Quiche 4 o'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock. #

But I just bought the tickets!

So sell them. I'm sure you'll get your money back.

You going to have that sausage?

Look, Mum, this is Hy-Q!

OK? THE Hy-Q.

It's the only UK show he's doing.

The tickets sold out in like a day,

it's going to be the gig of a lifetime.

Well then I'm sure you'll get a good price for them, eh?

I'll have 'em.

And you're not going either!

Listen, you're not going to some huge arena concert on your own.

That's final.

I'm not going on my own, actually.

I...asked Rachel.

ALL: Ooh!

Oi!

Well, you'll have to un-ask her.

Listen, the only way that you're going to a concert

is if you go with an adult.

An adult?

What adult, Mum?

All set for a fun day's learning...?

No. Nah.

No, come on.

What?

So I am going to a Hy-Q gig with a teacher.

What am I supposed to tell Rachel?

Maybe it's for the best. You always let her down anyway.

I do not.

When you gave her a CD full of bum photos.

And lured her into the bogs for that made-up radio show.

And sang her that romantic song that set all the fire alarms off.

Yeah, all right! I get the point.

But I'm not going to let her down time.

Except you haven't got her ticket.

Yeah... She hasn't said yes yet, has she?

Bit of luck, she'll be busy.

She won't be busy. You'll let her down.

-Just guessing.

-Listen, Josh, you know that gig you invited me to...?

-The thing is I...

-You can't go?

That's fine, I understand.

-Maybe next...

-No, no, I can go.

But I have to be home by midnight. That'll be OK, won't it?

Yeah! Yeah, of course...

You still want to go, yeah?

What? Yeah... Yeah, definitely.

He's definitely got the tickets, you know. Everything's sorted.

Thanks, mate.

-Great. Well, I'll see you Friday, then.

-Can't wait!

Shut up.

OK, I'll just get hold of another ticket.

How hard can it be?

You can't feed a chicken toast.

Course you can. Ducks eat bread.

So?

SO, chickens are, like, ducks that've evolved to live in cages...

ain't they?

Toast! Nice.

I thought you wouldn't remember.

Why have you done that?

I'm skipping lunch, ain't I? Saving my money to go see Hy-Q.

I got the inside track on a ticket.

Oi, that's my toast!

300 quid for a ticket!?

look, I know its Hy-Q, but...

But, listen...

OK, thanks. Yeah, bye.

Prices nowadays, man, they're going through the roof.

Have you asked Natalie?

No, I haven't asked spoddy Natalie. Why would I?

BELL RINGS

Natalie, would you like some more Blu-Tack?

Yeah, all right.

And by the way, yes, I do have a ticket.

My uncle bought it for me.

It's a young person's thing and he...

..didn't realise that you're an old person

trapped inside a young person's body.

I was kidding!

You know, Natalie, erm...

I've always thought that you're well more fun

than people say you are...

and I was thinking I'd really like to join your Geology Club.

Yeah, I really like...

rocks.

Well, you can't buy it, cos I've promised it to Nero.

You're JOKING me!

Look, look, look...

You said that you PROMISED it to Nero,

meaning you haven't actually sold it to him yet, right?

Yeah, well, he said he'll have the money by Friday lunchtime.

Believe you me, Nero doesn't have that type of money.

Then you've got nothing to worry about have you?

You can have the ticket when Nero doesn't pay up.

However...

I have the money right now.

And I've given my word to Nero, so you'll just have to wait.

What is that on my pizza?

-Meatballs.

-You what?

Balls. Made of meat.

That is disgustin'. I'm, like, totally vegetarian,

apart from fish, chicken and those little sausages things.

Then maybe you should've had the vegetarian option.

I ain't eating that muck!

Pizza, please.

You know, you look like you're struggling.

-I could come round and help if you like.

-Next!

How long did you cook this quiche for?

It doesn't seem to be holding together very well.

I know how it feels.

Stop poking it! Do you want some, or not?

As I thought. The base is soggy.

Did you blind bake your pastry first? I bet you didn't.

-Classic mistake.

-Move up will ya? I'm starving.

One minute.

Can I show you something I just made in Food Tech?

Can you make your mind up about what you want for dinner?

Now THIS is a quiche.

Double cream and creme fraiche, that's the secret.

But not too much or it does get a little bland.

Oi, MasterChef!

Shove up!

Do you mind? I'm taking this to Scouts for my Chef's badge!

CLATTERING What are you doin'?! Come on!

Pizza, please.

Thank you!

Eurgh! What's that on your toast?

I dunno. It's like...

It's like feathers or something...

Is that peck marks?

Maybe I should have eaten MY quiche.

I'm not wholly convinced about this pizza. Are you?

Is this dough that's been allowed to rise for the full hour?

I think not.

You see, the problem with yeast is it's a very temperamental thing,

because you have to get the yeast/salt ratio just right...

-VOICE ECHOES:

-..especially when you're mixing it with water.

STOMACH RUMBLES

Oh, man...

# I'm so hungry

# There's a demon in my tummy and he don't love me

# Wants me to put a quiche baked, in the hole

# He's possessing me I can feel him taking control... #

EVIL LAUGHTER

# Mmm, me wants a piece of that pie

# Put out your hands and reach a fat slice

# One little nibble won't hurt no-one

# Precious little quiche Grab it, grab it, go on!

# Whoa, whoa, whoa I don't like where this is going

# That slice ain't mine It belongs to Owen

# And it's the most special slice of quiche he ever had

# It's a Scout thing gonna help him get a badge

# Tricksy badge, we can't eats that

# We need carbs, wheat, protein, fat

# Just one nice slice for you, me

# He don't care He can make new quiche

# Oh, no, this ain't right

# Owen is a mate and mates stay tight

# Sorry, tummy, I just can't do it

# It would hurt Owen and I can't put him through it

# Don't be so stupid

# This is about need, not greed

# What happens when a person doesn't eat?

# Yeah, you starve so that's not funny

# And when you're dead, what you gonna do with all your money?

# But I've saved loads and I'm so, so close

# And I've never seen one of Hy-Q's shows

# I promise you, Sunday nice big roast

# Fine, then, just go back to your chicken toast. #

..cos you have to get the yeast/salt ratio just right,

-especially when you are mixing it with water.

-I don't care.

I'm hungry.

No!

I can't believe you ate my quiche!

Half your quiche.

OK, sorry.

Skipping lunch was really getting to me.

Can you just make another quiche? I'll help you.

No, I can't just magic up another quiche!

I haven't got any eggs, for starters.

Are you going to buy me some eggs?!

Ah, man, you know how much I really want to help you.

I just gotta save my money, that was the whole point, remember.

Fine.

Well, thanks for your "help".

I know where you can get eggs.

Chickens? Why would they have eggs?

Do they eat them?

They poo them out of their bums.

Eurgh! I ain't eatin' no chicken poo quiche.

No-one's going to eat a poo quiche.

It's padlocked, anyway.

Can't you just pick the lock or summat?

How would I do that?

I don't know. Haven't you got a badge or summat for it?

Funnily enough, the Scouts don't give a badge for lock picking.

Or one for safe-cracking. Or hot-wiring cars.

They need to move with the times.

OK.

We can't get in, anyway. So that's that.

You sure about that?

Obviously we understand your complaints.

Nobody wants to deal with rude and undisciplined students.

-Least of all us.

-Well, yes - but...

My advice would be to find that calm stillness inside yourself.

Imagine yourself...

to be a mountain stream

tinkling over tiny little fish.

And then breathe.

A little fish...

BELL RINGS

How many quiches do you think I want to make!?

I dunno what goes on in your head.

Come on!

Careful!

You four!

-Stop right there.

-Oh!

Mr Bell. What a very stylish suit you've got there.

How can I help you?

Aside from transferring to a different school, Johnson?

You can start by explaining why you're all sneaking around

-during lesson time.

-Oh, we wasn't sneaking around, sir.

Really? How would you describe it?

Er... Running away.

Well you weren't quick enough. Detention.

And if I catch any of you around here again, I'll...

Where are the chickens...?!

CHICKENS CLUCK Go on, shoo!

Go on!

Come on!

Come here!

What's this...?

A packed lunch.

The dinner ladies are on strike

after somebody released chickens into the kitchen.

That was a terrible, terrible accident.

And you're lucky they managed to catch most of them,

otherwise you'd be in a lot more trouble, young man.

So, where's my dinner money?

-You don't need dinner money, you've got a packed lunch.

-But...

What if I needed to get something from the shops at lunch time?

I'd kinda need money then, right?

Nero, what you have got in there is more than enough.

Cuss.

What's twisted your trolleys?

Oh! Unless...

THAT's how you were going to afford Natalie's ticket, right?

Skipping your lunch.

What do you know about Natalie's ticket?

I know that I'm definitely having it now, coz.

But she promised it me!

How are you going to pay for it with no lunch money?

Enjoy the sandwiches, coz.

# Well, that's great

# How am I supposed to get my plan straight?

# With a bunch of future nuggets on the rampage

# Now I guess I gotta worry about a chicken

# While Josh has gone and got all of his money for the ticket

# Man I need cash!

# And I need it fast!

# Wish I had a bunch of big investors I was free to ask

# To put some dough into one of my brilliant ideas like...

# Like...this right here!

# I get famous and auction off my nail clippings!

-AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE:

-# If you were famous

# Wouldn't you already have millions?

# OK, I got more maybe one of these works...

# Selling Eli to medical research?

# Think about what you could learn about the brain

# From a specimen where very little is contained

# Or I could rent myself out as a Best Buddy

# For only £80 an hour if you're lucky

# OK, say you've got some cash and someone wants to rob it

# Swallow it and run with this...

# Edible wallet

# No?

# OK, I get it, it isn't cool

# Right, how about this portable swimming pool?

# Fill your car boot with water and chlorine and...

# Right, OK, forget it You're mean

# Look, you're a nice guy I like what you're about

# But it's just not a business and for that reason I'm out

# Ahh! The sweet smell of success

# Of something beautiful that you've created

# It's the best

# Yes, it IS big and yes, it IS clever!

# Yeeeesss! It's the best quiche ever!

-ALL:

-Yeurgh! Never gets any better!

# The food here sucks - no matter the weather!

# What, cos we're bad the food can't be good?

# Every dish is like mud, cardboard and wood!

# Wait!

# Oh my days - of course!

# The money's right here I'll go straight to the source!

# Where there's demand there's gotta be supply!

# You know what?

# I'm starting to like this guy! #

I'm in!

Yo, Owen, giz a slice of that quiche.

No way! Make your own.

We both know that ain't going to happen.

No! This is for my Scout badge. You're not having any.

It ain't for me!

Look around, what do you see...? A bunch of hungry, disappointed kids.

And you know what they'd like to buy...?

-No.

-Come on, Owen. You can't keep genius like that to yourself.

I'm not going to. I'm going to take it to Scouts.

Owen, mate. It ain't for me.

It's for us.

I got the brains, you got the quiche.

Let's make a lot of money.

How much money...?

Let's find out...

Hey guys, who wants to buy a slice of the best quiche ever...?

A pound a slice?

-Hey, Rach.

-Hey, Josh.

Er... We're still on for Friday, yeah?

-Right, OK.

-You know, cos we were always on - we weren't ever off.

-Yeah, I know.

-Course, yeah.

Cos you know, like, the past few times I let you down and that

and I'm just saying this time it's different,

I am not going to let you down, I'm well, it's all happening, and...

Wait, sorry...

Why is everyone eating quiche?

Your little cousin's selling it.

You should try some. It's well nice.

So, what time are you picking me up?

Laters.

Eight slices at a pound, that's £4 for each of us.

It's good, but it ain't good enough. We're going to need more quiche...

You ain't getting no more of nothin', coz.

Hey, Josh. Got a problem?

Yes, I have got a problem, Nero - with your little quiche fest.

-Ain't no law against it, really.

-Ah, really?

I'd like to see what Ding Dong has to say

about you about you sellin' stuff at lunchtime...

Very enterprising, boys.

Really light pastry.

OK.

If that's how you want to play it.

How many can you make for tomorrow?

I dunno. A couple...

I've only got one pair of hands.

What if I got us some help?

So... What's in it for us?

Split of the profits. 10% each.

-That don't sound very much...

-It will be.

We've already got loads of eggs, and we're going to reinvest

today's money buying the other stuff we need.

It's clear profit.

What do you say?

We're in.

Selling food at lunchtime.

-It's simple, but brilliant.

-Yeah.

Everyone's like, "Where's the food"?

And they're like, "Eat this," and then it's like, "Duh."

-And then - cash.

-Exactly.

-You know...

They don't have to take home all of the money.

-You think we should nick some off 'em?

-No!

No, what I am saying is we can give them a bit of competition.

Take home a large slice of the profit.

What, you think we should make our own quiche?

It doesn't have to be quiche.

We could make loads from this.

We could become pie millionaires.

We could make a pudding fortune.

I'm in.

Great. I'll leave the details with you guys,

and bring the business your way.

Take care.

Don't take any prisoners!

Like, duh. Why would cooks take prisoners anyway?

BELL RINGS

So, what we goin' to cook?

Apple pie.

Where we going to get apples?

Steal them from a pig?

Don't be stupid. We haven't got a pig.

-It'd be good if it was something we can get for free.

-Well...

-nettles are free.

-I ain't eatin' nettles.

YOU eat nettles if you want to get face-stang so badly.

What about that chicken...?

Yeah, like there's a chick...

-Aww...

-Eurgh.

Chicken pie! Everyone loves chicken pie.

But won't that kind of mean... killing it...?

What? Er... Will it?

I ain't doin' it. I don't kill nothin'.

Apart from something I can squash with a magazine.

Well, don't look at me, I'm not doing it.

-You do it.

-I ain't doing' it.

-You suggested it.

Yeah, you big chicken-suggester.

-Or are you a chicken, like the chicken?

-No.

Me and Ash'll do it.

What?! Hang on...

Yeah. We off it, you cook it. How's that?

-Fine by me...

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Fine, then.

We can't execute Mrs McClucky.

Don't give it a name! Just makes it harder.

We should call it something evil.

You know, so we think it deserves it.

What sort of evil name?

-Dr Strangecluck... or something like that.

-OK...

Aha! Dr Strangecluck...

No.

You do it. You named it.

Twice.

It's looking at me.

Can we get a blindfold or something?

Where are we going to get a blindfold for a chicken?

Not for it - for me!

The girls are going to think we are proper wimps.

-Do it.

-Nah, you do it.

-You do it!

-Nah, you do it.

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-# You do it!

-Nah, you do it!

-# You do it!

-Nah, you do it!

-# You do it!

-You do it!

-# You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-# You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

-You do it!

# Oh, sorry Dr Strangecluck

# Life is tough

# Only the tough survive and I'm tough, bruv

# Top of the food chain that's just how it is

# Chickens get breadcrumbed and served with chips

# So here chicky-chicky it's time to do this

# I can do this

# I can't do this

# This is foolish

# I ain't whacking him

# Maybe we could just help it to have an accident

# Walk in the path of a firework rocket

# Or put some chickenfeed in a live plug socket

# Why did the chicken cross the road?

# Cos it was rush hour and she does what she's told

# I'd rather be anywhere else in the world

# But now I can't look weak in front of the girls

# This is crazy - just the thought's got me feeling iller

# It's a living thing, man I'm not a chicken killer

# Can't even picture her as a Sunday Roast

# What if she comes back to life as a ghost?!

# No! Man up, son - you said you'd do it

# Isaac the tough guy now it's time to prove it!

-# Arrgh!

-Mate, face it, this just ain't you

# You're a lot of things but you're not a killer, dude!

# Too true, let's not lose our heads Listen

-BOTH:

-# There's gotta be another way to get a dead chicken. #

Remember, what happens in the corner shop STAYS in the corner shop.

We're going to get caught!

OK...

-Where's the ingredients?

-Eleesha's getting them.

Soz - had to keep stopping so me fingers didn't fall off.

What's that?

700 ounces of flour, 300 ounces of butter...

Not OUNCES - grams!

The recipe says 700 GRAMS of flour!

Oh, right! Thought it looked quite a lot.

How did you get that with 12 quid?

I borrowed some extra off me nan.

Anyway, we can just make some more quiche though, yeah...?

We're going to need more eggs...

That's it, Dr Strangecluck. You stay there.

-Good chicken.

-What you doin'?!

Just...trying to stroke it.

Don't let it see what's in the bag!

It might be one of its relatives.

DR STRANGECLUCK CACKLES

Stay.

Be good.

And, erm, no...no clucking.

We don't want them to find you, do we?

-Did you do it? Have you get the stuff?

-Yeah.

Did you do it?

Yeah. Course we did. It's in here.

Oh! Did she suffer?

No. No, she was fine. She was...

-She was calm, wasn't she? And...

-Happy.

Happy?! She weren't happy!

Would you be happy to get terminated and put in a pie?

No. I know you, and you wouldn't. Give me that!

Oh, my days! They've ripped her insides out and put it in a bag.

-What is wrong with you?!

-Are we going to cook it or what?

We met her. It's too much.

You can't bake something after you've been introduced.

Don't you know nothin'?

Now I feel bad.

What are we going to do with it?

FUNERAL MARCH

Hang on, I think we should say a few words.

-Ash?

-Me?!

Right. OK... I hadn't known Dr Strangecluck very long before I...

Erm...

But even in that short time,

I could see she was a chicken of enormous...

-Hey, guys - what's goin' on?

-Ssh!

We're having a chicken funeral. Obviously.

You what?

Me and Isaac did in a chicken to cook.

But...then we changed our minds and decided to bury it.

So you couldn't bury it in a pie?!

Surely it has to be worth something.

£3.68.

You're telling me instead of starting a rival snack operation,

you just opened a graveyard for hens?

Is that what's going here...?

Pretty much.

Great. Great.

So...how am I going to stop Nero...?

Quiche, here. Only the finest.

Special recipe. Only a pound.

Oh...

Oh, gosh, I don't feel too good.

Er...what's the matter with you?

I had one of those quiches yesterday, and...

I think it gave me food poisoning.

HE RETCHES

What's going on?

Our quiche has poisoned Josh...

He ain't even had none.

Coz, I understand that you've got a business to protect,

so, you know, I can just pretend that I have a cold.

HE COUGHS WEAKLY

I think I might have a cold.

Josh? What's wrong?

Oh... Nothin'.

Really? You look awful.

Are you going to be OK to go out tonight?

What? Yeah. Yeah, of course...

(I'm just pretending.)

Pretending?!

Yeah, to have a cold. But really he's got food poisoning.

Josh? Have you got food poisoning or flu, or what?

Yeah, Josh. We'd love to hear.

Or maybe you're just tryin' to get out of your date...?

What? No... Look, I am ill.

-I have quiche poisoning...

-HE RETCHES

Look, Josh, are you ill or not?

Cos if you are then we can't go out, can we?

Right, well...

I AM pretending. And I am definitely not ill at all.

Right. Fine.

Just trying to get out of the date, then?

No!

No, wait!

Rachel! No, wait - I was just...

Rachel!

-What?

-Look, I really need to apologise to you.

What is with you, Josh?

You say you like me, but then you do all this weird stuff.

Look, me pretending that I was ill wasn't to get out of our date.

It's just Nero, man...

I don't really care about Nero, Josh. Just tell me this.

Are we definitely going out tonight?

Well, the thing is...

I ain't got you a ticket...

What? Why did you invite me then?

-Look, it's just my mum, man, she made me...

-What?

No - she didn't make me invite you!

-I WANTED to invite you...

-But you didn't get me a ticket.

Look, Rachel, this whole situation has just been a nightmare, and...

Right. I'm really sorry me saying yes when you asked me out

was such a nightmare.

Maybe you shouldn't do that again. Like, ever.

-Oh, but...

-Bye, Josh.

-But I...

-No!

Wow. Did we make all this?

10% for us two, right?

Oh, hang on - what about the money I owe me nan?

And then my share of the profits...

Hang on.

Well, I'll be taking that.

So I've gone through all that work and starvation for nothing?

Well, not for nothing - you've learned how to cook.

You can all share my badge.

But not literally, I get to keep it.

Josh! Josh! I've got that ticket if you still want it?

No way.

Yeah, Nero couldn't pay up.

Must be your lucky day, eh?

Rachel!

Never - speak - to me - again!

Bit awkward.

Hey, Josh. You ready for the gig of a lifetime...?

-Yeah, I s'pose.

-Cheer up.

This is Hy-Q - the first time he's ever played the UK.

And WE'RE going to be there! Yeah?

OK, yeah, I guess that's pretty cool.

It's going to be superb. Get in!

Excuse me... Why is she here?

I'm going to the concert. I'm not wasting a ticket.

But - not with us.

Why not? I'm driving anyway.

Get in the back and prepare for the night of your life!

Goodbye, Dr Strangecluck.

Live well, my friend...

You loved that chicken.

No, I didn't!

You did. I saw you.

Shut up!

"Live well my friend"?!

I said shut up!

You going to go back and give him a kiss on the beak?

ROOSTER CROWS

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

-# If you see 'em every day

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #