Cross Country 4 o'Clock Club

# Where d'you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What d'you do when you end up somewhere you've never been to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time the show could stop

# So the only time is now - 4 o'clock. #

After a period of consultation, we are pleased to announce

-that the school will now be known as...

-Elmsmere.

-I have commissioned this statue...

-More like Fowlbury.

..in the hope of ushering in a new spirit of co-operation.

-Let me present...

-Unity.

-Unity.

LACKLUSTRE APPLAUSE

That is proper botch.

-This is your fault.

-What's our fault?

We didn't have statues before you posh kids got here.

To further underline this new era,

-I am announcing a competition to write a new school...

-Anthem.

-..song.

When's it going to end?

-Word is they're going to make us wear top hats and capes.

-Get out!

And they said that yours, Isaac, will be the biggest and silliest.

They make me wear a hat I'll make 'em eat it.

We're looking for a song that really says...

Togetherness.

..singularity.

One that can last a generation and promote harmony,

-rather than further dis...

-..harmony.

..ruption.

Elmsbury's own Mr Harris has been chosen to pick the winner.

Thus, let's have a big cheer for Unity.

-Hip-hip...

-Hooray. That's it.

Go on.

Have you ever actually written a song, though?

How hard can it be? My dappy cousin writes songs all the time.

New skills have to be learned.

It took literally months of practice before I was awarded

my Dragon Boating Activity Badge.

I heard this song once that had dogs barking instead of instruments.

You should do that.

I don't need gimmicks to win, Eli.

It's not a gimmick.

HE BARKS LIKE A DOG RAPPING

Dog music is the future.

You'll never win against Josh.

Josh won't enter. He'll be all, "I'm too cool for school anthems."

OK...got it!

How about we fill a piano with cats?

BELL RINGS

Those of you who are entering the competition,

I want your songs on my desk by Friday morning!

That only gives you 48 hours.

48 hours is pips, man. I got that cake sliced.

Did I just hear you're entering that competition?

What if I am? I'll walk it, innit?

You, my friend, are living in dreamland.

-Be nice, Fleur.

-I am being nice.

I'm trying to save Emperor Zero here from total embarrassment.

You could find a nicer way to tell him he's rubbish

and his cousin's more talented.

And better looking. Manners don't cost anything.

Good luck, mate!

I don't need to write no lame-o school anthem. I'm J-Carter.

Yeah, but what about the new rapper on the block?

Nero ain't a threat to me.

Yeah, but if you lose, everyone'll be like, "Josh Carter's over."

It'll be well embarrassing.

Back off, you spam pilots.

I can't lose something I'm not even a part of.

Yeah, but you can't win either.

If you don't enter, everyone will think you're chicken.

-HE CLUCKS

-I'm Josh Carter. I'm a chicken.

Oh. Oh, here comes a big egg!

HE CLUCKS

Do you need to see the nurse?

Er...no, I was just...

laying an egg.

Right, well, lay one in your own time.

You've got cross-country to run.

Sir, give us one humane reason why we need to do this.

I will give you a reason.

If you do well, you'll get the chance to try out

for the borough cross-country trials.

Surely that is a reason not to be doing this?

Sounds like someone's scared of being left behind.

Thank you. Come on.

# So this song competition's like a race to the finish, is it?

# What props I got if I win it? Zero

# Cos I could do it with my eyes and ears closed

# So I'd be a champ but not a hero

# And Nero - song writing?

# He'll find, in a rap race he's like ten laps behind

# I'm a rhyme for rhyme champ They're so killer, my songs

# I could scoop up the gold, silver and the bronze

# But it's no challenge so I wouldn't feel honoured

# The fact of the matter is I can't be bothered

# I'm the best yet and Nero ain't a threat

# To beat him now I'd place a £1,000-bet

# On yours truly as the crowd goes, "Ooh-wee!"

# Melodramatic Just like the end of a movie

# But, saying that, it would make a brat outta Nero

# If he won without me and came back to the flat

# Man, I'd never hear the end of that

# "I'm young, you're old I'm sick, you're wack!"

# Any time there's something that my cousin is enjoying

# You can guarantee that he'll be even more annoying

# So maybe I should enter Bring a little balance

# He can see what it's like to lose to real talent

# Yeah, he can be the hare and I'll be the tortoise

# One-horse race He should forfeit, of course -

# It's me! #

Mr Harris.

I'm so pleased that you have agreed to judge the anthem competition.

I was proud to be asked.

I don't have to tell you the coming together of our two schools

-hasn't exactly run smoothly.

-You can say that again.

Yesterday I had to break up a tambourine fight.

-It was surprisingly rhythmic.

-Not surprising.

The Elmsbury students have already suffered many disruptions.

It would be good for morale

if the winner were drawn from one of their community.

But...obviously you want the winner based upon which song is the best,

not which school they came from?

Yes. Yes, Mr Harris. Just...

don't go making any snap decisions.

Pressure, much?

Come on! Move it! Faster! You're being chased by an angry farmer.

He's got a stick! Come on!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-The race is this way.

-Yeah, and the bunking off is this way.

Get your back into it!

You'll get in trouble.

Fine. Have it your way, you Fowlmere baby.

I'm not a baby. I've never been a baby.

Running is for horses.

They're always running everywhere. They're like...nature's idiots.

What, so running's not good for you, Ash?

Isaac, calm down, all right? We'll just stall time here,

get back on the course and pretend we ran it. Who's going to know?

I can't believe you're skiving off.

You are going to get in so much trouble.

Ah, so you stopped running the cross-country to give us

a lecture about us not running the cross-country?

Ash, what you doing?

-Just checking to see if he's got nostrils.

-Get down.

What have you done, you plug-nut? You've decapitulated it!

Don't go on at me! He went up there.

Ash, maybe we should just leave it and go.

Leave it? But this thing is awesome. I'm going to take this home.

-What if you get caught?

-That's evidence.

Yeah, but imagine how good it'd look next to my bed.

It's the caretaker. Leg it!

Early lunch?

My blood sugar tends to dip around mid-morning.

Please. Don't let me stop you.

The anthem competition.

Elmsbury students are being viewed by some as privileged or favoured.

But their school burned down.

Nonetheless, I do think it would be a shame if the winning entry

seeded resentment by appearing to favour some students over others.

-Well, yeah, but...

-So you understand me.

Yes...?

Sooner or later, the senior staff situation will stabilise, Mr Harris.

And I'm sure you'll want to be on the winning team.

Enjoy your snack.

Hey, Dex,

shall I find some flaming torches for you to juggle

-whilst you walk that tightrope?

-SHE LAUGHS

Come on...

-It doesn't fit, you trilby.

-Of course it'll fit.

I once fit an entire duvet into a postbox.

This is completely wrecked-up.

This is literally a living daymare.

Come on, we've got a race to finish! Stop faffing around.

All right, come on let's go.

You'd better make sure nobody sees you with that thing tomorrow.

Where's everyone else? Is the race over?

They're well going to know we didn't run it!

Quick, they're coming - act like you're tired.

HE GROANS

How did you get back before I did?

Er...talent?

-Sir, they cheated.

-Is that so?

Look, sir, he's just jealous because he never made it on

the cross-country team whereas the rest of us did.

What? The only running you've ever done was when you've

-done something you shouldn't have.

-Sir, even look at Isaac's shoes.

He ran so hard they fell apart.

Oh, yeah. Maybe I can give you the benefit of the doubt.

Well done.

Very disappointing.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm starting to come round to your anthem idea.

The more united we are, the better it is for the school.

Plus, a win for Elmsbury will be a win for my arts curriculum.

That'll look good when they choose a new head.

-Well, we'll see, won't we?

-We will.

Some thug's taken one of the heads off your...statue...thing.

That's bound to be the handiwork of a Fowlmere delinquent.

Hey. What are you doing?

-The anthem competition.

-Eh, not with my gear.

What is the crisis? Not like you're going to do it.

Actually, I was thinking I might. So I'm going to need these.

The great Josh Carter entering a school anthem competition(?)

Are you feeling threatened?

I am not threatened by you...tiny man.

Prove it by lending me your gear...larger-er man.

Over my bone dust. This stuff cost bucks.

Your little digits ain't getting nowhere near.

Nero, I'm home!

-Good day, boys?

-How comes Josh has everything and I have nothing?

-What do you mean?

-Everyone thinks he's golden boy.

Nobody sees he's just a spoilt idiot who won't even lend me

his music gear, so I can do a song for that competition. I hate this.

Josh, you don't mind if Nero borrows your music gear, do you?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Here.

Following the merger, we are staging a review of the free lunches policy.

A letter will be going out to parents tonight.

You're taking the head home in that?

We should be smashing it up to destroy the evidence.

Oi, how would you like it if I talked about your head like that?

Next item.

Mr Nunn's cross-country team to represent Elmsmere

at this Friday's borough trials.

And I'm sure you'll all like to join me in congratulating Ashley Newman,

Agness Addo, Zoe-Marie Ingham, Isaac Rodgers, and Josh Carter.

BOOING

A fair few Elmsbury names in there.

Is there anything your cousin can't do?

This is a right 'mare. I'm getting my eyebrows threaded on Friday.

But now on to more serious matters.

The school statue has been damaged.

I will not tolerate such disrespect of school property.

There will be a full police investigation

into this act of vandalism.

They're going to do locker searches.

It's fine. I'll get rid of it at lunchtime.

Oi, you lot. Training session at lunchtime. Don't be late.

I'm just saying a police investigation might be overkill.

I have been attempting to point this out to Mr Bell.

It's just a statue now,

but unless we enact a zero tolerance policy,

who's to say what - or who...

..they'll decapitate next?

I'll see what I can find out.

-SHE PANTS

-I can't go on.

-I'm spent.

If you hadn't skived off I wouldn't have skived off

and I wouldn't be doing this flipping running.

I swear if my legs get all muscly

I'll use them to kick you into flipping orbit.

I'm going to tell Mr Nunn we never ran that cross-country.

You can't tell him we didn't run the race. If he knows that,

we'll be prime suspects in the missing head case.

-He's the head-case.

-That's me!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-MR NUNN:

-Why have you stopped running?

-What you listening to?

-Is that your anthem?

-Sort of. But it's...

-Sweet! Can we hear it?

Nah, It's bad luck if I let you guys hear it

-before I put the final bit of gloss on it.

-Come on, mate.

I've been busting to hear this epic anthem you've been promising.

-HE SIGHS

-Fine. But, guys, remember,

it's not finished.

TINNY MUSIC PLAYS

It's...interesting.

-You hate it.

-I said it was interesting.

Yeah, right.

Interesting isn't bad. Many things are interesting.

The seasons...

..gardening...

the moon.

But I told everyone I was going to write the best anthem ever.

What am I going to do now?

Move schools?

That was pitiful. I'm starting to think you lot really did cheat.

-Sir, that hurts!

-Yeah. Like my legs.

-What have you got in there?

-Bricks. Right, Ash?

Right. Bricks. Because...

It helps to build...

-Houses! Walls!

-Stamina.

Bridges?

Am I meant to believe that?

Sir, did you know the first Olympians used to pull warthogs

around while they were training?

Ash knows a fact. Deal with it.

Sir, that - that's how serious we are about winning on Friday.

Right. OK. Fine. Keep it up.

# We can't lose our heads We gotta lose the head

# Before heads roll Let's go

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# We can't lose our heads We gotta lose the head

# Before heads roll Let's go

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# Stuck between a rock and a hard place

# Can't get caught with this Can't say we can't race

# Cos then we'd be suspects

# And I hadn't planned on going to jail just yet

# This is like when I went into maths class

# With the frog that I got from the science labs

# Couldn't get caught with it Couldn't keep it

# Only one option - had to eat it!

-# Or did I dream it?

-Can't believe it

# Everyone'll flippin' take the mick and call me Thief Kid

# With some old head in my handbag like I am mad

# And it kinda looks like Ding Dong This is wrong

# People'll start thinking I got millions in my wardrobe

# Zoe-Marie - the punch line to all jokes

# I ain't made of stone but these kids'll think I cracked

# Flip's sake Shelby Turner would love that!

# We can't lose our heads We gotta lose the head

# Before heads roll Let's go

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# Quick, head for the exit! Get rid!

# And I don't think I can take the head home

# In the garden Make him a pretend gnome

# That'd be like when my dad found that other head

# Under my bed Or was that summat else I dreamt?

# Now the love of the rock might have to stop this minute

# Before I drop us all in it!

# So there's only one next step - quick!

# Get rid of the head Get rid! #

You lot got a sec?

-I didn't do it.

-Me neither. I'm well innocent.

You don't know what I'm going to ask.

Can I just say, WPC Rowe, how smart you look in your uniform today?

It must have taken bare effort to shine those numbers.

About this statue, did you see anything suspicious yesterday?

-No.

-No.

We were too busy running the cross-country at the time.

Not that we know exactly when the statue thing went missing.

Although, now you mention it, we did see that one guy

when we were running the cross-country, didn't we?

What guy?

The guy that we saw when we were running the race.

Oh, yeah. That guy.

Yeah. I remember too now. He looked exactly like the type of guy

who'd nick a head off a statue.

He did. He had mad eyes. And he had a spider tattoo right on his...

Face.

No. I don't remember no guy.

-Shouldn't you be writing this down?

-Couldn't hurt, I suppose.

-Not to hot for you, Dex?

-This is delish, Mrs C!

I've been eating nothing but microwave dinners since I moved out.

She actually stole the recipe from me.

Oh, have you chosen a school anthem yet, Dexter?

Not yet.

I've heard Nero working on his. Sounds so brilliant.

I haven't finished it yet.

You're cutting it a bit fine, mate. Deadline's tomorrow.

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# This is war and I could lose Bit off more than I can chew

# I thought this was a David and Goliath

# Where I was David and I slayed the giant

# Told the whole school I'm a winner

# But now I feel the pressure might eat me for dinner

# Maybe I'm not up to the task A real big song is a real big ask

# Talked a good game If I fall down now

# Everyone'll think that I've been found out

# As if they know the truth

# That I'm just some unremarkable youth

# See the case against me stacking up

# "He's all talk with no backing up"

# Can't be weak cos this lot will smell fear

# And make every day hell here at Elmsmere

# I've got to do something to stop

# Me looking the fool but what, man, what?!

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# U-u-u-u-u-u-under pressure

# U-u-u-u-u-u-up against it

# This is war and I could lose Bit off more than I can chew. #

Bless him. He so wants to win. He deserves to.

I can't make any promises.

Whoever I choose, someone is going to be left disappointed.

Actually, unless...

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ahhhh!

Where are we going to get rid of this?

Come on, just walk. We'll find somewhere.

You must have one idea at least.

Ding Dong!

-Thanks, Tom.

-Leg it.

-It'll be fine on the back seat of the car.

Give us a hand.

Oh, no!

-What are we going to do with it?

-Come on. Run faster.

-I'm home!

-Hi. Dinner's in the oven. I'm on the loo.

Bon appetit, Josh(!)

KNOCKING

It didn't go quite as planned.

You can't bring that here. Come on.

This head's cursed. It don't want to get thrown away.

-Oh, hello, boys.

-Hello...Mrs Josh.

We're not doing anything wrong.

No, they were actually just leaving. Yeah. So, go on. Out you go.

I need you boys to accompany me to the station.

THEY GROAN

Relax. I'm joking. I've just tried Dexter's flat, but he's not in.

Come in, love. He's in the kitchen.

(You need to get rid of it.)

(Why do I have to do everything?)

Because you're our hero...?

Oh, OK. Good. Get out.

You just can't keep your nose out of other people's stuff.

It fell out when you shoved it in here.

You've no idea how much I freaked out.

Seeing a head rolling across the floor.

Could've come from any statue.

Yeah, try telling that to Bell and O'Brien.

Or, I will...

if you don't give me your song.

You're blackmailing me? For real?

I told everyone I was going to make this immortal tune,

and I've still got nothing.

Well, I got news for you. I haven't written a single beat, cuz.

You serious?

It's just some dumb school anthem.

But I've bigged up that I'm going to win.

I'm not going to live this down.

They all think you and Nathan were awesome rappers.

I'm just a joke.

All right, man, look, you've got another option.

Keep your mouth shut about that head

-and we can write a song together.

-For real?

-Yeah, man.

I mean, one of us was always going to win that competition.

It's better it's both of us. J-Carter and Emperor Nero.

-Emperor Nero and J-Carter.

-Don't push it.

You get in to registration, I'll drop the track off to Dexter.

Ah, glad to see you taking training seriously, Carter.

-Keep dragging those bricks!

-Yeah, you can trust me, sir.

Oh, and, Carter, if you do let me down, you'll be hitting detention

so hard you'll need an airbag.

Right. Isaac.

What've you brought that back for?

Because once we put the head back on, they'll stop caring.

It won't matter that we bunked out the run.

Don't mess this up, yeah?

Morning, Dex. Sorry I'm late.

Just finishing off the judging for the school anthem competition.

Ah, who did you decide to disappoint -

Big Bad Bell or Uh-Oh'Brien?

I came up with a way to keep everyone happy - let everyone win!

I did a mashup of all the entries.

WEIRD DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS

That's enchanting(!)

It isn't meant to sound like that.

TRACK JUMPS

No. No. No. No, no, no, no!

I just lost everything. That took me hours!

Anyone in need of a killer track?

See? Good as new.

-What have you done!?

-Fixed the statue.

You've glued it on backwards, you pair of flop-jockeys.

You're like the Chuckle Brothers crossed with a national emergency.

Ash! We have to knock it off again now.

Oi!

THEY SCREAM

The winner really represents the spirit of unity because he's

a student who wasn't from Elmsbury or Fowlmere -

Nero Johnson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How come you just used my name? I don't get it.

Look, cuz, I know what it's like

to be under the shadow of someone everyone thinks is more talented.

-I owe you one.

-You totally do.

BEAT STARTS

# After all the fussing and fighting and tomfoolery

# We're still one school and we still need unity

# Together we'll be stronger That's the meaning of community

# Who are we? Him, her, them, us, you and me

# Doesn't matter now that we came from different backgrounds

# Elmsbury, Fowlmere This is where we're at now

# And we gotta make it work cos we're here for a few good years

# Through the blood sweat and tears Through the light, dark... #

Thank you. I don't know what we'd have done if you hadn't

-taken your name off the entry form.

-Oh, come on.

Who wants to be the loser that wrote the Fowlbury anthem anyway?

# It seems we should feel Elmsmere in our hearts and our dreams

# So this should be our anthem Pass it to our grandsons

# And our granddaughters Stand and applaud us

# And be proud that we've done well here

# One love, one school one Elmsmere!

# We are one Elmsmere We are one Elmsmere

# We are one Elmsmere We are one Elmsmere

# Yeah, yeah

# We are one Elmsmere

# Sing it

# We are one Elmsmere... #

-I'll take it from here.

-Oh, no worries. Any time.

And if you misplace your car keys, well, you know where to find me.

# We are one Elmsmere

# We are, we are, we are one Elmsmere, yeah, yeah

# Elmsmere, yeah, yeah. #

Hi, sir. I just thought I should be here because I was with this lot

when the head was found this morning.

Found? Where?

-A tree.

-In a bush.

-Tent.

-In a bin.

Wow. OK.

Which one of these am I supposed to believe?

-The Bush.

-Bin.

-Tree.

-Tent.

All you need to believe, sir,

is that four former Elmsbury students found the head.

Let's not cloud this day of celebration.

The school has a new song and the head has been returned.

So do we get a reward or...?

It is the borough cross-country trials tonight, I believe?

You know, sir, we were actually thinking...we might drop out.

No, I think you'll do very well. Very well.

Because if you don't, believe me,

the consequences will be particularly severe.

CHEERING

Oh, man. I am sorry, sir.

CHEERING CONTINUES

Oh, wow.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, man!

# We are one Elmsmere We are one Elmsmere

# We are one Elmsmere We are one Elmsmere

# Yeah, yeah, we are one Elmsmere

# We are one Elsmere. #