Bench 4 o'Clock Club


Bench

Nero accidentally loses £60 of Josh's money, which Mr Bell spends on a new school bench. Nero and Josh have to work together to get the money back - or get revenge.


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Transcript


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# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

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# When it's just too much to handle?

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# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

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# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

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# You should stay It can change

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# There's good days and bad days

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# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

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# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

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# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

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JOSH YAWNS

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-That's it. I'm hitting the sack.

-What? It's nine o'clock.

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Oh, and, erm...remember to fart quietly tonight, yeah?

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-Oi!

-Ow!

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Good night.

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Night.

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-Ta-da!

-Ooh! Date..or court appearance?

-Ha-ha(!) Interview.

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Oh, well done. Ellesmere? Is that a good idea?

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-Why not? A secretary's a secretary.

-Well, Nero's not going to like that.

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It'll be nice for him to have a friendly face around.

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I don't think you should tell him, not unless you get it.

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-Yeah, it'll be a nice surprise.

-Well, a surprise.

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-£60 for my first DJ gig.

-Wow.

-Hey, did I show you my balloons?

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Yes, great, Ash(!)

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Just don't mention the whole DJ-ing thing around my mum, yeah?

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-She'll crack her sprocket.

-Is this you? With the Tweenies?

-Hilarious!

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-Let's have a look.

-No, give me that, man. Look, I was, like, six years old

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and it happened at the shopping mall. These things happen.

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You shouldn't have let it happen. You should've fought them off.

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Hey, you can't hit a Tweenie. That is unacceptable.

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Here you go, boys.

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Biscuits, brilliant!

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Thank you, Mrs Carter.

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-May I be as good to have one also, please?

-Of course you can, Isaac.

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Very polite. You should have more friends like Isaac, Josh.

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ASH GULPS AND GAGS

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-So, where's your music stuff, anyway?

-Right here.

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-MUFFLED:

-That's gross.

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Josh went to bed at nine like some baby. Ha-ha!

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Did he have a big day ahead of him?

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-Get your cyberpants off my stuff, man.

-I haven't got cyberpants.

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Yeah? So, why have they got labels with your name on?

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You sew labels in your pants?

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-Of course I don't. Shut up.

-Er, what's going on?

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Josh is making fun of Nero's pants.

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Josh, stop making fun of Nero's pants.

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Will everyone stop saying "pants"?

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Well, tell him to get his baby-trolleys off of my stuff.

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OK. Look, Josh, stop getting at Nero and go and put those in the wash.

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Nero, go and get your pants off of Josh's stuff.

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Now!

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An interview?

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Oh, what?!

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Boom.

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You, girl, what are you doing?

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Lying on a bench, texting?

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Sit up. Stop relaxing.

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-What's this?

-A bench.

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"Dedicated to Mrs O'Brien with the thanks

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"of the Parents' Association." How did she get them to buy this?

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I don't know, I'm not the bench professor.

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Just...go away.

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BALLOON MAKES RASPBERRY NOISE

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What did you do that for?

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Look, I'll be honest, it's not the reaction I was expecting.

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It's just a bit of fun. You have...heard of fun, right?

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-I've got a problem.

-No sitting on the step. You know the rule.

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What kind of lame-o makes rules about steps?

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I did.

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And...very sensibly so, Miss.

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You know, it's always good to keep us young ones in check.

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You know...kids!

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Nice try. Detention.

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This place is so distressing. They never let you do anything.

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-Yeah, so imagine what it'll be like when my auntie gets here.

-What?

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Yeah, she's got an interview at half nine and I need to think of

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-a way to fudge it up. Any ideas?

-What about a fatbomb?

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You know, it's like a waterbomb...only fattier.

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HE GRUNTS SOFTLY

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HUBBUB IN BACKGROUND

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-Hey.

-Hey.

-Guess what? The Daleks called, they want their pants back.

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-Shut up!

-Yes, that is stupid. Daleks don't wear pants.

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Look, just forget my pants!

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HUBBUB STOPS, AWKWARD SILENCE

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Anyway, guess what I brought in for show and tell.

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We've got show and tell?

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I could've brought my nautical awareness badge.

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We ain't really, you spoon! Here, look at this...

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..and tell me who's the baby.

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-Check who Josh is hanging with.

-Is that the actual Tweenies? Cool!

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-How was that cool?

-I dunno, man.

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-It's not everyone that gets to hang out with the stars.

-You know, guys.

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I met the Teletubbies once, outside a carpet shop in Leicester.

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But I'm not sure it was the ACTUAL Teletubbies. Also, it was a dream.

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Look, am I the only person here who thinks

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this makes Josh look like a total prawn?

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Right. This stuff is wasted on you guys.

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MUFFLED PHONE RINGING

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Hello.

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Hello. Yes.

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Yes.

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Look, um...

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Yes, yes. No, everything's fine.

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Look, um... Look, eh...let me call you back.

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"Meeting with Mrs Hussain, Parents' Association."

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# Oh, I see, I get it

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# She wants to be the only one who gets the credit

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# As if she's the only head, and me, I can't contest it

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# I get all the crumbs And she gets all the best bits

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# Nice big bench, big name on the stationary

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# Nice big chair over there for assembly

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# Nice big desk so nothing gets cluttered

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# Nice big office, I'm in a cupboard!

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# If I'd imagined that I'd ever become

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# A co-head teacher I'd have never begun

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# Two heads are never better than one

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# Two heads are never better than one

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# Next she'll be getting all the governors on her side

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# Put me on ice so she can take them for a ride

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# But I know how to fight And fix things well

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# She's underestimating Crispin Bell

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# If I'd imagined that I'd ever become

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# A co-head teacher I'd have never begun

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# Two heads are never better than one

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# Two heads are never better than one. #

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Mr Harris.

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I'd like you out of my room, please.

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-This is my room, for detention.

-No. Now it's my new office.

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Detention has been relocated to the old woodwork block.

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The woodwork block? The one with the rats, that's falling down?

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It isn't falling down. It's just vintage, that's all.

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Anyway, I haven't got time to debate. I've got secretaries to interview.

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Have all of your fluff moved by tomorrow.

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-What do you think?

-I think you've had a terrible idea.

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What?

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Your auntie - splat, yeah? She is covered in lard.

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That is a bad interview technique.

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Who wants to hire a greasy secretary?

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It's genius.

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-Right, she's coming. You doing this or what?

-OK, yeah.

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Let's do it.

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Now.

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HE GROANS

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-You greased up the head, you dongle.

-You said, "Now."

-I said, "No."

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I didn't get a picture.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing out of lessons?

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Desperately need the toilet, sir.

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-All three of you?

-It's weeping out, sir.

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Get back here. Now!

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-Oh, my flipping doodle, that is so shameful, innit?

-Yes. Thank you.

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-Where did you get this?

-Josh's room.

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You shouldn't be laughing at other people's personal stuff.

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What, are you saying we should live in a world

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where people don't get laughed at? What is wrong with you?

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-I'm going to give it back to Josh.

-No way.

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-Get your spam-crab hands off it.

-It's mine.

-No it ain't, it's Josh's.

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-Exactly, give it back to him.

-Shut up.

-Give it to me.

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You did that.

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I do apologise, Mrs Johnson.

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Yes, sorry that you had to witness that outrage.

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No doubt connected to the ongoing,

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longstanding Fowlmere discipline problems.

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Well...let's get started.

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We actually started ten minutes ago.

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Mm.

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Mm.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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That's what you call fun?!

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I've never had to spend a lesson hiding with the bog brushes before.

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That's because you've never lubricated Ding-Dong before.

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Cos I ain't ever wanted to.

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-We're in deep chutney!

-Just relax, man.

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Just do what I do - smile and style it out.

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Smiling's not going to cut it. They'll know we skipped class.

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-We missed Miss Parkwood's class. We'll be fine.

-Like, how?

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Watch.

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-Hey, Miss Parkwood. Nice lesson this morning.

-Sorry, what?

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Nice lesson just now. It was well fascinating.

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-Oh, right. Thanks.

-I was there too.

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We're like lard ninjas.

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Yeah, ninjas what bombed the wrong person.

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We haven't stopped your auntie getting the job, have we?

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It's always worse than you think.

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So...all right, boys,

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do you want to explain why you've got oil on your jumpers?

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-Hormones?

-Head's office, now.

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-60 quid.

-Think what you could buy in Poundland - 60 things.

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Only if no-one claims it.

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Who's going to claim it?

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-After you hand it in.

-I ain't handing this in, I've claimed it.

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You have to hand it in. Think what Baden-Powell would do.

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Do you know what, mate, I think he'd keep it.

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-No, he'd hand it in then wait to see if anyone claimed it.

-No way.

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Man, I've got plans for this money, I'm telling you.

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What money's this?

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I was just coming to hand this in.

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Sorry to interrupt.

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Come in, you lot, get in.

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Hurry up.

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Caught these three masterminds fleeing the scene of the attack.

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Loving the look, sir. Very sports-casual.

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Hey, Auntie. How's it going?

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-He's your nephew?

-We're not close.

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Sure we are.

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She lives on our sofa.

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Sorry to interrupt, sir. Nero has something to say.

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Nero, what have you done?!

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Mum, what are you doing here?

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And he's your son.

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Well, thank you, Mrs Johnson, I think that will be all.

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If you could send in the next candidate?

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I found this, sir, and I thought I should hand this in.

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That's very honest of you.

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-£60.

-Where did you get that money from?

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-It's mine, it was in there.

-No, it's not. I found it under the lockers.

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-How would you come by £60?

-I earned it.

-You have a job?

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-I did a DJ gig on Saturday night.

-A likely story.

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-Where's your payslip?

-What, from the Pit?

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A letter, then, from your employer?

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-What, from Angry Dave?

-He weren't DJ-ing, he was in bed.

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It's true, he went to bed early.

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-Yeah, but that's...

-Lying and laying false claim to money.

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And throwing fat bombs.

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I'll be writing to all three of your parents.

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You, young man, you'll get a reward if nobody claims this by tomorrow.

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Yes. Awesome.

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You do your mother a great credit.

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So you say you can start tomorrow?

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# Anybody got a double-crossing little cousin?

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# Who you thought was cool but then you found out that he wasn't

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# Should have known the moment when he stepped into my home

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# And left his pants in every single spot except his own

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# But this is worse than using all my stuff without permission

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# Laptop, headphones, CDs missing

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# One time, when he was in the bog for ages

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# Caught him using my toothbrush for cleaning off his trainers

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# Now showing round my kiddie photo pages is outrageous

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# But next-level status is the taking of my wages

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# What? He thinks it might be plain sailing at the top

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# Just because he tricked the school to give his mum a job

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# I know what it's like to have an elder on the staff

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# And when he realises that it's hell, I'll have to laugh

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# But first I've got to make it hell, and that I'll guarantee

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# Cos Nero may be smart But he ain't half the man as me

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# Yo!

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# Maybe once he was a friend to me

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# Now he's my new best enemy

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# Maybe once he was a friend to me

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# Now he's my new best enemy

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# Maybe once he was a friend to me

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# Now he's my new best enemy

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# So if he thinks this is some big funny act

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# Watch, I'm going to get him and my money back. #

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-I've got to go, I'm late.

-We've got plenty of time.

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No, but, um, I'm late for earliness.

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Maybe he's a bit embarrassed.

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Of course he ain't.

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He was telling me how lovely it would be to see more of you.

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-But he...he forgot his embroidery kit, though.

-He does embroidery?

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Yeah.

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He's got textiles second period.

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It's a shame there's not a convenient way to get it to him.

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-I'll do it.

-Oh, OK.

-He can see me, then.

-Super.

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Agness.

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How would you like to get your hands on a share of 60 quid?

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-So what are you going to spend your 60 quid on?

-My music set-up.

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One day there's going to be one of them blue plaques.

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-"Nero Johnson ruled here - legend."

-Really? I was thinking of new pants.

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Nero, is that your mum?

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SHE MOUTHS

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Sorry.

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You've forgotten your embroidery kit.

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Love you, darling. Love you.

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Can you sew my new badge on?

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STIFLED LAUGHTER

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This is so discrimina-thingy.

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I don't see why she gets to do it. I'm well more better than her.

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Why should she get a cut of your money? I like money.

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Look, Zoe-Marie, just let Agness do it. She's better.

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-Bebe.

-Ah.

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I believe Mrs O'Brian has a meeting

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with the head of the Parents' Association coming up.

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Erm, right.

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Yes, there's one in the diary for next week.

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Could you book one in for me?

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Uh-huh.

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-Before hers.

-Uh-huh.

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And in my new office.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh.

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-Hello, Elmsbury Manor.

-Good morning. May I speak to Mr Bell, please?

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Yes, it's regarding a student of yours, Josh Carter.

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That is well unconvincing.

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-I can well tell it's her, and not just cos I can see her talking.

-Sh!

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Hold, please.

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'You all say I'm no good at talking on the phone,

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'I'm like a phone-talking guru.'

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Sh!

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Don't shush me. Give me that.

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Please, please.

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Wow, wow, OK.

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-Hello?

-Hello. I'm Mrs Farfafar calling from my delightful

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nightclub, the Pit. It's come to my, you know, whatever,

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that you're saying Josh Carter never done his DJ thing,

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with all rubbish music, when in fact he totes did.

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So that £60 is, like, whatever. Do I make myself clear?

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Whoever you are, I will find you, and I...

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PHONE CUTS OFF

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Leave this to me.

0:19:190:19:20

What was that, you jeffin' troll? You totally miffed it!

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What do you know? You can't act.

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You couldn't even act as yourself in your own life.

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What's that even supposed to mean? What am I going to do now?

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Mrs Farfafar, I presume?

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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ASH: I can't believe your aunt dobbed you in.

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-ZOE-MARIE:

-And me. She ain't even my auntie.

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-FLEUR:

-This place is cold and it smells.

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If I see a rat, I'm calling ChildLine.

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I know. It's put me right off doing detention.

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Come on, it's not as bad as it looks.

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Well, it is as bad as it looks.

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But, you know, we'll do it up.

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Get rid of this poster...

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..or replace it for another poster.

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-It stinks.

-Leave sir alone.

0:20:050:20:07

I'm sure they need our old room for a very good reason.

0:20:070:20:10

Oh - there you are. Man of the moment.

0:20:200:20:22

And here is your reward.

0:20:250:20:27

There you go.

0:20:310:20:32

-What's that?

-It's your reward.

0:20:330:20:35

In view of your good example,

0:20:350:20:37

I don't think that £5 is too much, on this occasion.

0:20:370:20:39

What do you say?

0:20:390:20:40

He ripped me off! £5? That's just out of order.

0:20:420:20:46

Yeah - it's not nice when someone jacks YOUR money, is it?

0:20:460:20:49

How would you know about it?

0:20:490:20:51

Josh, monster set the other night.

0:20:510:20:54

What? You were there?

0:20:540:20:55

Yeah. I went to school with Angry Dave.

0:20:550:20:58

So that was your money? Who'd have thought...?

0:20:590:21:03

Sir, Josh wasn't lying. It actually was his money.

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, I see.

0:21:100:21:11

And this miraculous discovery has nothing to do with the fact

0:21:110:21:13

that you want a bigger reward?

0:21:130:21:15

-What? No! That...

-Seems very suspicious.

0:21:150:21:18

Almost as if you two have agreed to claim the money and split it.

0:21:180:21:21

Ask Miss Parkwood. She saw me DJ-ing.

0:21:210:21:23

-DJ-ing...in a nightclub.

-Yes.

0:21:230:21:26

Then I'll have to refer this to the relevant authorities.

0:21:280:21:30

-What?!

-You're 15. It's illegal.

0:21:300:21:34

The nightclub will have to be investigated

0:21:340:21:36

and your parents informed.

0:21:360:21:37

Actually, um...yeah, I just realised,

0:21:370:21:41

I didn't actually do anything.

0:21:410:21:42

Miss Parkwood saw nothing as well, so...

0:21:420:21:46

Really(?)

0:21:460:21:47

What a surprise.

0:21:500:21:51

I'm not a complete idiot, Carter.

0:21:530:21:55

In any case, the money's already been spent

0:21:550:21:58

on something to benefit the whole school.

0:21:580:22:00

"The Crispin Bell Memorial Bench."

0:22:020:22:05

-He ain't even dead.

-It ain't even his bench.

0:22:050:22:07

-Like, he used my money to get that.

-You know what?

0:22:070:22:09

-We should have the Josh Carter Memorial Bench.

-Too right.

0:22:090:22:12

Josh...you can sit on your bench.

0:22:120:22:15

-To where shall you go, my lord?

-Take this bench to the bins.

0:22:200:22:24

THEY GRUNT

0:22:250:22:28

Nah, it's well heavy with you on. You have to get off.

0:22:280:22:31

Come on, boys.

0:22:320:22:33

What's going on here?

0:22:350:22:36

Put that down!

0:22:360:22:37

Detention - all of you.

0:22:370:22:40

No-one is to touch this bench.

0:22:410:22:43

It's to stay exactly where it is.

0:22:450:22:47

EXACTLY.

0:22:470:22:49

# Look - it don't make no sense

0:22:560:22:58

# My cash gets jacked then spent on a bench?

0:22:580:23:01

# I wish I could line up every single teacher's behind

0:23:010:23:03

# Pull on the world's biggest boot and let fly!

0:23:030:23:05

# It ain't fair!

0:23:050:23:07

# Yeah, I try to do the right thing

0:23:070:23:08

# All I get's detention Line writing?

0:23:080:23:11

# Hope so, cos I'll do 100 pages

0:23:110:23:13

# Saying, school stinks! School stinks, like, for ages

0:23:130:23:15

# It ain't fair

0:23:150:23:16

# While we're stuck in this temple of doom

0:23:160:23:18

# Ding-Dong nicks our detention room

0:23:180:23:20

# We're like a football kicked around by him and O'Brien

0:23:200:23:23

# With a crooked referee who loves lying!

0:23:230:23:25

# It ain't fair

0:23:250:23:27

# Yeah, it really is so thingy

0:23:270:23:28

# If I'm going down I'm taking the school with me

0:23:280:23:31

# Cos teachers and whatever and that they're so duh

0:23:310:23:33

# I'm like, shut up! They're like, no! I'm like, bleurgh!

0:23:330:23:36

# It ain't fair.

0:23:360:23:37

# But why's it so surprising?

0:23:370:23:38

# Course it's unfair # That's basically what life is

0:23:380:23:41

# Everything'll turn out rubbish Don't you get it?

0:23:410:23:43

# School is always meant to be unfair, so just accept it

0:23:430:23:45

# It ain't fair

0:23:450:23:47

# It ain't fair

0:23:470:23:48

# What about children's rights? Do they care?

0:23:480:23:50

# Elmsmere? What a joke, we hate there

0:23:500:23:53

# Cos it ain't fair

0:23:530:23:54

# It ain't fair. #

0:23:540:23:55

-Come in!

-We're in.

0:23:580:24:00

-Come on, hurry up, quickly!

-Chill.

-Who are you telling to chill?

0:24:000:24:03

-And what do you lot want?

-Well...

0:24:050:24:08

HAMMER THUDS

0:24:080:24:10

What on earth are you doing in here?

0:24:100:24:12

Arrgghh...!

0:24:120:24:13

Mr Bell told me to move the 4 O'Clock Club into here.

0:24:150:24:18

Yeah. He's using our old room as an office, miss.

0:24:180:24:21

Is he?

0:24:210:24:23

-Put detention back into the old room immediately.

-But...

0:24:230:24:26

IMMEDIATELY, Mr Harris.

0:24:260:24:27

So glad you could make it.

0:24:340:24:35

I wanted to meet with the Parents' Association,

0:24:350:24:38

tell them a few of my ideas.

0:24:380:24:39

Sorry, why are we...?

0:24:410:24:43

This? It's embarrassing.

0:24:430:24:46

It's just something that was bought in dedication to me.

0:24:460:24:50

Yes, I think we bought one of those for Mrs O'Brien once.

0:24:500:24:52

Did you, really?

0:24:520:24:53

I didn't know.

0:24:530:24:55

-My office is actually an old classroom.

-Oh, right.

0:25:080:25:11

I think it's very important to get in and amongst the students.

0:25:110:25:15

PUPIL SCREAMS

0:25:190:25:21

Student Council meeting.

0:25:250:25:27

Sorry about that mix-up.

0:25:270:25:29

Perhaps we should head to my old office.

0:25:290:25:31

Another bench dedicated to you, Mr Bell?

0:25:320:25:35

Yes.

0:25:380:25:39

Shall we?

0:25:400:25:41

Hm...

0:25:410:25:42

I don't know - do we really need "art" subjects at all?

0:25:530:25:58

-Just a thought.

-Crispin!

0:25:580:26:00

Yasmeen! What are you doing here?

0:26:000:26:03

I'm meeting Mr Bell.

0:26:030:26:04

Oh, I see.

0:26:040:26:06

Well, Crispin, I'd like to have a word with you

0:26:060:26:08

about placing children in a condemned building.

0:26:080:26:11

Yes? Good! Excellent.

0:26:110:26:13

We should talk about that.

0:26:130:26:15

I don't think Mrs Hussain wants to hear about all our nonsense.

0:26:150:26:19

Won't you come into my office?

0:26:190:26:20

Um, exactly what level of school funds are being used

0:26:230:26:26

in dedicating benches to you, Mr Bell?

0:26:260:26:28

Perhaps we should take this elsewhere.

0:26:300:26:32

Yes. Maybe we should.

0:26:320:26:34

Yes. That's a good idea.

0:26:350:26:37

Nice bench you've got there, sir.

0:26:430:26:44

Is this anything to do with you, Carter?

0:26:460:26:48

It has your name on it.

0:26:480:26:49

Just get it out of my sight.

0:26:490:26:51

I can't believe your mum never found out about that gig.

0:26:590:27:02

You well got away with that one.

0:27:020:27:04

Um, my bucks got spent on garden furniture.

0:27:040:27:08

I hardly call that getting away with it.

0:27:080:27:10

Although...

0:27:110:27:12

..this is nice.

0:27:140:27:15

Yeah, it's all right, you know?

0:27:150:27:17

You! No sitting on the steps!

0:27:170:27:19

Miss, we're sitting on a bench.

0:27:210:27:23

Yes.

0:27:250:27:26

Right, so you are.

0:27:260:27:27

Money well spent!

0:27:330:27:34

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

0:27:430:27:46

# When they're up they rub it in your face

0:27:460:27:47

-# Kick you when you're down

-But what no-one understands them

0:27:470:27:50

-# You know what they're on about

-Always gonna be around

0:27:500:27:52

-# Gotta find a common ground

-If you know so much about me

0:27:520:27:57

-# Where do I go from here?

-If you see 'em every day

0:27:570:28:00

# You can never get away

0:28:000:28:01

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #

0:28:010:28:04

Nero accidentally loses £60 of Josh's money, which Mr Bell spends on a new school bench. Nero and Josh have to work together to get the money back - or get revenge.


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