Bench 4 o'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

JOSH YAWNS

-That's it. I'm hitting the sack.

-What? It's nine o'clock.

Oh, and, erm...remember to fart quietly tonight, yeah?

-Oi!

-Ow!

Good night.

Night.

-Ta-da!

-Ooh! Date..or court appearance?

-Ha-ha(!) Interview.

Oh, well done. Ellesmere? Is that a good idea?

-Why not? A secretary's a secretary.

-Well, Nero's not going to like that.

It'll be nice for him to have a friendly face around.

I don't think you should tell him, not unless you get it.

-Yeah, it'll be a nice surprise.

-Well, a surprise.

-£60 for my first DJ gig.

-Wow.

-Hey, did I show you my balloons?

Yes, great, Ash(!)

Just don't mention the whole DJ-ing thing around my mum, yeah?

-She'll crack her sprocket.

-Is this you? With the Tweenies?

-Hilarious!

-Let's have a look.

-No, give me that, man. Look, I was, like, six years old

and it happened at the shopping mall. These things happen.

You shouldn't have let it happen. You should've fought them off.

Hey, you can't hit a Tweenie. That is unacceptable.

Here you go, boys.

Biscuits, brilliant!

Thank you, Mrs Carter.

-May I be as good to have one also, please?

-Of course you can, Isaac.

Very polite. You should have more friends like Isaac, Josh.

ASH GULPS AND GAGS

-So, where's your music stuff, anyway?

-Right here.

-MUFFLED:

-That's gross.

Josh went to bed at nine like some baby. Ha-ha!

Did he have a big day ahead of him?

-Get your cyberpants off my stuff, man.

-I haven't got cyberpants.

Yeah? So, why have they got labels with your name on?

You sew labels in your pants?

-Of course I don't. Shut up.

-Er, what's going on?

Josh is making fun of Nero's pants.

Josh, stop making fun of Nero's pants.

Will everyone stop saying "pants"?

Well, tell him to get his baby-trolleys off of my stuff.

OK. Look, Josh, stop getting at Nero and go and put those in the wash.

Nero, go and get your pants off of Josh's stuff.

Now!

An interview?

Oh, what?!

Boom.

You, girl, what are you doing?

Lying on a bench, texting?

Sit up. Stop relaxing.

-What's this?

-A bench.

"Dedicated to Mrs O'Brien with the thanks

"of the Parents' Association." How did she get them to buy this?

I don't know, I'm not the bench professor.

Just...go away.

BALLOON MAKES RASPBERRY NOISE

What did you do that for?

Look, I'll be honest, it's not the reaction I was expecting.

It's just a bit of fun. You have...heard of fun, right?

-I've got a problem.

-No sitting on the step. You know the rule.

What kind of lame-o makes rules about steps?

I did.

And...very sensibly so, Miss.

You know, it's always good to keep us young ones in check.

You know...kids!

Nice try. Detention.

This place is so distressing. They never let you do anything.

-Yeah, so imagine what it'll be like when my auntie gets here.

-What?

Yeah, she's got an interview at half nine and I need to think of

-a way to fudge it up. Any ideas?

-What about a fatbomb?

You know, it's like a waterbomb...only fattier.

HE GRUNTS SOFTLY

HUBBUB IN BACKGROUND

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Guess what? The Daleks called, they want their pants back.

-Shut up!

-Yes, that is stupid. Daleks don't wear pants.

Look, just forget my pants!

HUBBUB STOPS, AWKWARD SILENCE

Anyway, guess what I brought in for show and tell.

We've got show and tell?

I could've brought my nautical awareness badge.

We ain't really, you spoon! Here, look at this...

..and tell me who's the baby.

-Check who Josh is hanging with.

-Is that the actual Tweenies? Cool!

-How was that cool?

-I dunno, man.

-It's not everyone that gets to hang out with the stars.

-You know, guys.

I met the Teletubbies once, outside a carpet shop in Leicester.

But I'm not sure it was the ACTUAL Teletubbies. Also, it was a dream.

Look, am I the only person here who thinks

this makes Josh look like a total prawn?

Right. This stuff is wasted on you guys.

MUFFLED PHONE RINGING

Hello.

Hello. Yes.

Yes.

Look, um...

Yes, yes. No, everything's fine.

Look, um... Look, eh...let me call you back.

"Meeting with Mrs Hussain, Parents' Association."

# Oh, I see, I get it

# She wants to be the only one who gets the credit

# As if she's the only head, and me, I can't contest it

# I get all the crumbs And she gets all the best bits

# Nice big bench, big name on the stationary

# Nice big chair over there for assembly

# Nice big desk so nothing gets cluttered

# Nice big office, I'm in a cupboard!

# If I'd imagined that I'd ever become

# A co-head teacher I'd have never begun

# Two heads are never better than one

# Two heads are never better than one

# Next she'll be getting all the governors on her side

# Put me on ice so she can take them for a ride

# But I know how to fight And fix things well

# She's underestimating Crispin Bell

# If I'd imagined that I'd ever become

# A co-head teacher I'd have never begun

# Two heads are never better than one

# Two heads are never better than one. #

Mr Harris.

I'd like you out of my room, please.

-This is my room, for detention.

-No. Now it's my new office.

Detention has been relocated to the old woodwork block.

The woodwork block? The one with the rats, that's falling down?

It isn't falling down. It's just vintage, that's all.

Anyway, I haven't got time to debate. I've got secretaries to interview.

Have all of your fluff moved by tomorrow.

-What do you think?

-I think you've had a terrible idea.

What?

Your auntie - splat, yeah? She is covered in lard.

That is a bad interview technique.

Who wants to hire a greasy secretary?

It's genius.

-Right, she's coming. You doing this or what?

-OK, yeah.

Let's do it.

Now.

HE GROANS

-You greased up the head, you dongle.

-You said, "Now."

-I said, "No."

I didn't get a picture.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing out of lessons?

Desperately need the toilet, sir.

-All three of you?

-It's weeping out, sir.

Get back here. Now!

-Oh, my flipping doodle, that is so shameful, innit?

-Yes. Thank you.

-Where did you get this?

-Josh's room.

You shouldn't be laughing at other people's personal stuff.

What, are you saying we should live in a world

where people don't get laughed at? What is wrong with you?

-I'm going to give it back to Josh.

-No way.

-Get your spam-crab hands off it.

-It's mine.

-No it ain't, it's Josh's.

-Exactly, give it back to him.

-Shut up.

-Give it to me.

You did that.

I do apologise, Mrs Johnson.

Yes, sorry that you had to witness that outrage.

No doubt connected to the ongoing,

longstanding Fowlmere discipline problems.

Well...let's get started.

We actually started ten minutes ago.

Mm.

Mm.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

That's what you call fun?!

I've never had to spend a lesson hiding with the bog brushes before.

That's because you've never lubricated Ding-Dong before.

Cos I ain't ever wanted to.

-We're in deep chutney!

-Just relax, man.

Just do what I do - smile and style it out.

Smiling's not going to cut it. They'll know we skipped class.

-We missed Miss Parkwood's class. We'll be fine.

-Like, how?

Watch.

-Hey, Miss Parkwood. Nice lesson this morning.

-Sorry, what?

Nice lesson just now. It was well fascinating.

-Oh, right. Thanks.

-I was there too.

We're like lard ninjas.

Yeah, ninjas what bombed the wrong person.

We haven't stopped your auntie getting the job, have we?

It's always worse than you think.

So...all right, boys,

do you want to explain why you've got oil on your jumpers?

-Hormones?

-Head's office, now.

-60 quid.

-Think what you could buy in Poundland - 60 things.

Only if no-one claims it.

Who's going to claim it?

-After you hand it in.

-I ain't handing this in, I've claimed it.

You have to hand it in. Think what Baden-Powell would do.

Do you know what, mate, I think he'd keep it.

-No, he'd hand it in then wait to see if anyone claimed it.

-No way.

Man, I've got plans for this money, I'm telling you.

What money's this?

I was just coming to hand this in.

Sorry to interrupt.

Come in, you lot, get in.

Hurry up.

Caught these three masterminds fleeing the scene of the attack.

Loving the look, sir. Very sports-casual.

Hey, Auntie. How's it going?

-He's your nephew?

-We're not close.

Sure we are.

She lives on our sofa.

Sorry to interrupt, sir. Nero has something to say.

Nero, what have you done?!

Mum, what are you doing here?

And he's your son.

Well, thank you, Mrs Johnson, I think that will be all.

If you could send in the next candidate?

I found this, sir, and I thought I should hand this in.

That's very honest of you.

-£60.

-Where did you get that money from?

-It's mine, it was in there.

-No, it's not. I found it under the lockers.

-How would you come by £60?

-I earned it.

-You have a job?

-I did a DJ gig on Saturday night.

-A likely story.

-Where's your payslip?

-What, from the Pit?

A letter, then, from your employer?

-What, from Angry Dave?

-He weren't DJ-ing, he was in bed.

It's true, he went to bed early.

-Yeah, but that's...

-Lying and laying false claim to money.

And throwing fat bombs.

I'll be writing to all three of your parents.

You, young man, you'll get a reward if nobody claims this by tomorrow.

Yes. Awesome.

You do your mother a great credit.

So you say you can start tomorrow?

# Anybody got a double-crossing little cousin?

# Who you thought was cool but then you found out that he wasn't

# Should have known the moment when he stepped into my home

# And left his pants in every single spot except his own

# But this is worse than using all my stuff without permission

# Laptop, headphones, CDs missing

# One time, when he was in the bog for ages

# Caught him using my toothbrush for cleaning off his trainers

# Now showing round my kiddie photo pages is outrageous

# But next-level status is the taking of my wages

# What? He thinks it might be plain sailing at the top

# Just because he tricked the school to give his mum a job

# I know what it's like to have an elder on the staff

# And when he realises that it's hell, I'll have to laugh

# But first I've got to make it hell, and that I'll guarantee

# Cos Nero may be smart But he ain't half the man as me

# Yo!

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy

# So if he thinks this is some big funny act

# Watch, I'm going to get him and my money back. #

-I've got to go, I'm late.

-We've got plenty of time.

No, but, um, I'm late for earliness.

Maybe he's a bit embarrassed.

Of course he ain't.

He was telling me how lovely it would be to see more of you.

-But he...he forgot his embroidery kit, though.

-He does embroidery?

Yeah.

He's got textiles second period.

It's a shame there's not a convenient way to get it to him.

-I'll do it.

-Oh, OK.

-He can see me, then.

-Super.

Agness.

How would you like to get your hands on a share of 60 quid?

-So what are you going to spend your 60 quid on?

-My music set-up.

One day there's going to be one of them blue plaques.

-"Nero Johnson ruled here - legend."

-Really? I was thinking of new pants.

Nero, is that your mum?

SHE MOUTHS

Sorry.

You've forgotten your embroidery kit.

Love you, darling. Love you.

Can you sew my new badge on?

STIFLED LAUGHTER

This is so discrimina-thingy.

I don't see why she gets to do it. I'm well more better than her.

Why should she get a cut of your money? I like money.

Look, Zoe-Marie, just let Agness do it. She's better.

-Bebe.

-Ah.

I believe Mrs O'Brian has a meeting

with the head of the Parents' Association coming up.

Erm, right.

Yes, there's one in the diary for next week.

Could you book one in for me?

Uh-huh.

-Before hers.

-Uh-huh.

And in my new office.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh.

-Hello, Elmsbury Manor.

-Good morning. May I speak to Mr Bell, please?

Yes, it's regarding a student of yours, Josh Carter.

That is well unconvincing.

-I can well tell it's her, and not just cos I can see her talking.

-Sh!

Hold, please.

'You all say I'm no good at talking on the phone,

'I'm like a phone-talking guru.'

Sh!

Don't shush me. Give me that.

Please, please.

Wow, wow, OK.

-Hello?

-Hello. I'm Mrs Farfafar calling from my delightful

nightclub, the Pit. It's come to my, you know, whatever,

that you're saying Josh Carter never done his DJ thing,

with all rubbish music, when in fact he totes did.

So that £60 is, like, whatever. Do I make myself clear?

Whoever you are, I will find you, and I...

PHONE CUTS OFF

Leave this to me.

What was that, you jeffin' troll? You totally miffed it!

What do you know? You can't act.

You couldn't even act as yourself in your own life.

What's that even supposed to mean? What am I going to do now?

Mrs Farfafar, I presume?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

ASH: I can't believe your aunt dobbed you in.

-ZOE-MARIE:

-And me. She ain't even my auntie.

-FLEUR:

-This place is cold and it smells.

If I see a rat, I'm calling ChildLine.

I know. It's put me right off doing detention.

Come on, it's not as bad as it looks.

Well, it is as bad as it looks.

But, you know, we'll do it up.

Get rid of this poster...

..or replace it for another poster.

-It stinks.

-Leave sir alone.

I'm sure they need our old room for a very good reason.

Oh - there you are. Man of the moment.

And here is your reward.

There you go.

-What's that?

-It's your reward.

In view of your good example,

I don't think that £5 is too much, on this occasion.

What do you say?

He ripped me off! £5? That's just out of order.

Yeah - it's not nice when someone jacks YOUR money, is it?

How would you know about it?

Josh, monster set the other night.

What? You were there?

Yeah. I went to school with Angry Dave.

So that was your money? Who'd have thought...?

Sir, Josh wasn't lying. It actually was his money.

Oh, I see.

And this miraculous discovery has nothing to do with the fact

that you want a bigger reward?

-What? No! That...

-Seems very suspicious.

Almost as if you two have agreed to claim the money and split it.

Ask Miss Parkwood. She saw me DJ-ing.

-DJ-ing...in a nightclub.

-Yes.

Then I'll have to refer this to the relevant authorities.

-What?!

-You're 15. It's illegal.

The nightclub will have to be investigated

and your parents informed.

Actually, um...yeah, I just realised,

I didn't actually do anything.

Miss Parkwood saw nothing as well, so...

Really(?)

What a surprise.

I'm not a complete idiot, Carter.

In any case, the money's already been spent

on something to benefit the whole school.

"The Crispin Bell Memorial Bench."

-He ain't even dead.

-It ain't even his bench.

-Like, he used my money to get that.

-You know what?

-We should have the Josh Carter Memorial Bench.

-Too right.

Josh...you can sit on your bench.

-To where shall you go, my lord?

-Take this bench to the bins.

THEY GRUNT

Nah, it's well heavy with you on. You have to get off.

Come on, boys.

What's going on here?

Put that down!

Detention - all of you.

No-one is to touch this bench.

It's to stay exactly where it is.

EXACTLY.

# Look - it don't make no sense

# My cash gets jacked then spent on a bench?

# I wish I could line up every single teacher's behind

# Pull on the world's biggest boot and let fly!

# It ain't fair!

# Yeah, I try to do the right thing

# All I get's detention Line writing?

# Hope so, cos I'll do 100 pages

# Saying, school stinks! School stinks, like, for ages

# It ain't fair

# While we're stuck in this temple of doom

# Ding-Dong nicks our detention room

# We're like a football kicked around by him and O'Brien

# With a crooked referee who loves lying!

# It ain't fair

# Yeah, it really is so thingy

# If I'm going down I'm taking the school with me

# Cos teachers and whatever and that they're so duh

# I'm like, shut up! They're like, no! I'm like, bleurgh!

# It ain't fair.

# But why's it so surprising?

# Course it's unfair # That's basically what life is

# Everything'll turn out rubbish Don't you get it?

# School is always meant to be unfair, so just accept it

# It ain't fair

# It ain't fair

# What about children's rights? Do they care?

# Elmsmere? What a joke, we hate there

# Cos it ain't fair

# It ain't fair. #

-Come in!

-We're in.

-Come on, hurry up, quickly!

-Chill.

-Who are you telling to chill?

-And what do you lot want?

-Well...

HAMMER THUDS

What on earth are you doing in here?

Arrgghh...!

Mr Bell told me to move the 4 O'Clock Club into here.

Yeah. He's using our old room as an office, miss.

Is he?

-Put detention back into the old room immediately.

-But...

IMMEDIATELY, Mr Harris.

So glad you could make it.

I wanted to meet with the Parents' Association,

tell them a few of my ideas.

Sorry, why are we...?

This? It's embarrassing.

It's just something that was bought in dedication to me.

Yes, I think we bought one of those for Mrs O'Brien once.

Did you, really?

I didn't know.

-My office is actually an old classroom.

-Oh, right.

I think it's very important to get in and amongst the students.

PUPIL SCREAMS

Student Council meeting.

Sorry about that mix-up.

Perhaps we should head to my old office.

Another bench dedicated to you, Mr Bell?

Yes.

Shall we?

Hm...

I don't know - do we really need "art" subjects at all?

-Just a thought.

-Crispin!

Yasmeen! What are you doing here?

I'm meeting Mr Bell.

Oh, I see.

Well, Crispin, I'd like to have a word with you

about placing children in a condemned building.

Yes? Good! Excellent.

We should talk about that.

I don't think Mrs Hussain wants to hear about all our nonsense.

Won't you come into my office?

Um, exactly what level of school funds are being used

in dedicating benches to you, Mr Bell?

Perhaps we should take this elsewhere.

Yes. Maybe we should.

Yes. That's a good idea.

Nice bench you've got there, sir.

Is this anything to do with you, Carter?

It has your name on it.

Just get it out of my sight.

I can't believe your mum never found out about that gig.

You well got away with that one.

Um, my bucks got spent on garden furniture.

I hardly call that getting away with it.

Although...

..this is nice.

Yeah, it's all right, you know?

You! No sitting on the steps!

Miss, we're sitting on a bench.

Yes.

Right, so you are.

Money well spent!

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-But what no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-Always gonna be around

-# Gotta find a common ground

-If you know so much about me

-# Where do I go from here?

-If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #