Choir 4 o'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo?

# You should stay, it can change There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line It's time for the show to stop

# So the only time is now, four o'clock. #

Look, Jay-Z is the best rapper alive.

Kanye ain't even the best rapper on a Kanye album.

No, but Jay-Z's so old-school. Kanye's trying to be different,

-and you know it works.

-It does not work.

-Yeah, it does.

-He's trying too hard, man.

-Can you get out of the car so I can lock up?

-What's up with you?

-Mr Bell asked me to do Friday assembly.

Kids never pay attention anyway. Do a song and a psalm. Job done.

Things have got more competitive since the merger.

Did you see Mrs Greenwood's Bollywood dance display last week?

-They were schoolkids? I thought they were pros.

-Exactly.

Boys, can you hurry up?

-So ask the school orchestra to do something.

-Disbanded.

This is my first assembly of the merger.

I really want to make a good impression on...

Oh, Mr Bell.

Good morning.

HE LAUGHS

-Get inside, Carter.

-Yes, sir.

And take your small cousin with you.

-Small cousin?

-C'mon, tiny man.

Who is Ding-Dong calling small?

I hope you haven't forgotten Friday's assembly, Harris.

No. I've got tonnes of ideas.

And so I should hope. As a former Elmsbury teacher,

I'm relying on you to make a good impression.

Don't make me regret it.

Hey-hey-hey. R-to-the-C.

Hiya.

So, er, what you up to?

Er... Standing by my locker, getting my books out.

HE LAUGHS

Funny!

So, erm...thanks for the add.

What add?

Last night? On Facebook?

Oh, YOU'RE J-Hyphen?

Yeah. It's just a stage name, so people don't bother me whilst I'm...

chillaxing.

Oh. I thought it was Neil from French.

He's always making up stupid fake profiles to wind me up.

-Right.

-Not that your profile picture's stupid.

Although you do look...different.

Well, you know, when I'm outside of school

I just like to switch it up sometimes. That's my chilling face.

Right. Well, it's French now, so see you later.

Yeah, man, everything's fine. We're meeting up after school tomorrow.

Mate, we heard every word.

I don't understand, man. It just fell to pieces.

Just stay cool. You need to get to know her.

What's your obsession with hooking me up with Rachel?

Think about it. Her friends are well fit.

So, if you end up going out with her,

one of them's going to practically have to end up going out with me,

just to make it fair.

Cos you're such a hit with the ladies.

Dinner ladies.

-What's up, woggle-chops?

-Tripped on a guy rope at Scout camp?

No, I'm fine. It's just a slight hiccup in the toilet schedule.

You've got a schedule?

Obviously. 7-7:05, become fully awake.

7:05-7:15, breakfast and iron my uniform.

7:15, get in the toilet before Dad.

Good move. Dads are major bog-hoggers.

I know, but this morning I missed my slot.

-So use the school loos.

-Uh-huh. I went in there once.

Never again.

So what are you going to do?

Do what every good Scout does when his courage is tested.

Exercise self-control.

-All day?

-Can I sit next to you?

A ukulele orchestra.

Who do you know who plays the ukulele?

A Jamaican steel band.

We're all out of steel drums.

Well, I'm all out of ideas. Good luck.

You do know we're doing this assembly together?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to, but I've got this music festival on Friday.

What music festival?

Did I not tell you? I'm going to be off sick. But don't worry

because I'll be with you in spirit. Just not actually with you.

So, I've been telling Mrs O'Brien

all about your big plans for Friday's assembly.

-I'd love to hear them!

-Um, we're still in the brainstorming stage.

Oh, good. Well, perhaps we can help narrow your focus.

OK...

Recorder recital?

Brass band?

Careful, or you'll come up with something really boring,

like a choir.

Ooh, I like it!

Cultural, collaborative.

Bit more highbrow than Bollywood dancing, eh, Mrs O'Brien?

There's only one problem.

-We don't have a choir.

-I'm sure Dexter can pull something together.

Nothing's too hard for one of my teachers.

And I'm sure Miss Parker would be happy to assist.

Actually, I've got a lot on. Marking. Planning.

Cleaning...maracas.

Plenty of time to do that over the weekend.

I can't wait to see what you come up with.

Choir? I'm sure the kids'll be frothing at the mouth, mate.

Take it from me, if you want to get them inspired,

you need to start a proper club. Like this.

Boxing? Isn't that dangerous?

Not necessarily.

-Although it is the way I do it!

-HE LAUGHS

See you later, choirboy.

What are you doing, sir?

Nothing to do with you, sweetheart. Run along.

Er, why does it say "for boys only"?

Er, cos it's a boxing club?

What? Are you saying that girls can't box?

No, I'm not saying they can't. I'm saying they're rubbish at it.

-Why?

-Evolution.

Look, basically, women have got small, flimsy arms

for sewing and cooking,

whilst men have got big, muscly arms for fighting sabre-toothed tigers.

Er, ain't that a bit sexist?

It's not sexist.

I'm just saying that a woman boxing is like a dog riding a skateboard.

It's just wrong.

Ah, boxing! Can I join?

Course you can, my son. Show us your left hook! There we go!

# What? Who says that girls can't box?

# We're female, we're used to fighting a lot!

# Fighting to be heard, fighting for respect

# So logically a physical fight is what's next

# What? Who says that girls can't box?

# We're female, we're used to fighting a lot!

# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you've done

# And your best bet now is probably just run - pow!

# How do you like me now?

# Gloved up with that plastic thing in my mouth - pow!

# Knock any boy out if I had to Your whole crew'd be, like, "Wow!"

# Step into the ring, now you don't know what to do

# Princess and fairy wings was Year Two

# Just cos we're smaller with nicer hair

# That doesn't mean that we ain't fighters, yeah?

# And anything you can do we can do better

# Second-class citizens once, but now we're fed up

# You ain't had a test like this before

# It's a scientific fact that we're more mature

# So stick it up your bogey-filled nose if you're sexist

# What's the most embarrassing thing on your check list?

# Number one worst thing in the whole world?

# Probably getting beaten up by a girl!

# What? Who says that girls can't box?

# We're female, we're used to fighting a lot!

# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you've done

# And your best bet now is probably just run - pow! #

-Ah! Just the man I'm looking for.

-Mrs O'B! Fancy a spar?

Well, according to these girls, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Oh, look, it's not sexism.

I'm just saying if the girls come along, it'll ruin it for the boys.

Oi, you two! Left-right, left-right!

Are you aware, Mr Nunn, that this school has

a strict anti-discrimination policy?

-You what?

-I want this boxing club open to girls,

or I am closing it down.

-Listen, love...

-May I remind you, Mr Nunn,

that as head teacher of this school I am your line manager?

And, girls, I can't wait to see you in action.

Er, we don't actually want to box, miss.

It's just the principle of it.

Don't let him intimidate you! If you want to box, you go for it.

Oh, and strictly warm-ups. No sparring.

I don't want lawyers' letters,

like that mixed-age rugby match at the open day.

That wasn't my fault. What sort of berk chokes on his own tooth?

A choir?! Mate, that has got to be the definition of lame.

Thought it might be up your street.

Er, no. I'm more of a rapper than a singer.

I think that people that sing in choirs are like musical sheep,

whereas me, you know, I'm more of a dragon.

I think it sounds pretty cool.

I saw this gospel choir in London once. They were tight.

Trust me, no lie, they were tight.

You see? Some of you might not like choral music,

but there are plenty of kids who do.

I hope you've got an umbrella, cos it's going to be a complete wash-out.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, we'll just wait and see,

won't we?

A choir with three people?

It's amazing what you can do with a bit of enthusiasm.

I'm just here cos it's either this

or listen to bob-a-job natter about his toilet schedule.

Is this choir practice?

YES!

I mean, come in, let's hear what you've got.

I'm just saying, you need to get on with this Rachel business.

It's not just YOUR love life on the line here.

Look, man, I can't bowl up cold

and make myself look like a chisel, like I did last time.

Best give it up now. It's only going to end in tears.

My uncle Ian married his school sweetheart.

-What happened?

-Well, she broke his heart,

-and now he sleeps on a mattress in my nan's loft.

-Wow, great pep talk, man.

I'll let you know about the next choir practice.

Mate, I've just had a brilliant idea.

Save it. I've got to join that choir.

Oh. I was going to say beg for love like a spaniel begs for sausage.

But I guess yours works just as well.

Dexter! About choir. I'd really like to join.

I thought you said choir was the definition of lame.

Yeah... I only really said that because I was intimidated.

Choral singing can be quite intimidating.

Tell me about it. So, when does practice start?

I'm really sorry, Josh, but it looks like we'll have to cancel.

Cancel? Dude, loads of people have been looking forward to this.

Then how come only four people turned up to practice?

Four? I'm going to say it.

-That's rubbish.

-I told Bell I'd pull this out the bag.

If I turn up with four kids, he'll think we're just carol singers.

Look, untwist your trolleys, man. I'll find you a new set of lungs.

From where?

A hidden seam of raw talent.

The four o'clock club?

-Yep.

-How did you get them to change their minds about choirs?

I didn't. I told them you'd let them off detention for the next week.

Plus we needed somewhere to hide.

Otherwise Mr Nunn's going to make us hit things.

Yeah, so do you want to impress Ding-Dong or not?

-Can they even sing?

-No.

Maybe.

But they just need a bit of help from a very inspirational teacher.

Unfortunately, we don't have one, so we'll have to put up with you.

LAUGHTER

Oh. Hey, Rachel. Didn't expect to see you here.

Didn't expect to see YOU here either.

Specially after you said choirs are the definition of lame.

-I didn't say that.

-And that people in them are musical sheep.

-They're not.

-What was it again? "I'm a rapper, not a singer."

Look, singing's just rapping that goes up and down, right?

Now THAT is some quality lady talk.

Are we going to get started or what?

-Did you have to bring this herd of muppets?

-Oi. Watch it, you driblet.

You watch it, meathead.

The stress is putting unbearable pressure on my system.

Ugh, gross!

Hey! Just because he's got toilet issues don't make him gross!

-Ugh! Grosser!

-This is WORSE than being in detention.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Shut up! Mr Harris, I thought you'd be at choir practice.

This IS choir practice.

HE GULPS

Can I see you outside for a moment, please?

ALL: Oooooohhh...!

You call this pulling a choir together?

I don't think you're ready for this responsibility, Mr Harris.

You'd better make this work.

Let me guess. Ding-Dong don't want us involved?

Bell never lets us do anything. He thinks we'll embarrass him.

Yeah, like when he Photoshopped Ash out of the school prospectus.

Well, to be fair, he was mooning out of an upstairs window.

My finest hour, wiped from history.

The choir is on.

Mr Bell said he can't wait to see us in action.

Right. Here's the song we'll be singing.

If you could pass these back.

Miss Parkwood, costumes?

Wait. What? Costumes?

No. We can't. What if we get caught?

The only thing stopping us is our minds.

And a big sign saying "Staff toilets".

Look, it's either this or use the student bogs.

OK. Let's do it.

Oh, wow. It's like heaven.

It's just a toilet.

Oh, it's so much more!

Keep lookout. I may be some time.

ALL, HORRIBLY OUT OF TUNE: # In the jungle, the mighty jungle

# The lion sleeps tonight

-# In the jungle, the mighty... #

-ROAR!

OK, stop! Stop, stop, stop.

ROAR!

Maybe we should try it in a different key.

Or a different school.

Miss Parkwood?

-MISS PARKWOOD!

-Eh?

-Lower key?

-Maybe we'd do better if someone was actually singing.

At least I could sing if I wanted to,

unlike some people. Mentioning no names.

Ash Newman.

Excuse me?

At least I don't sound like a bat being boiled alive.

Hey, my gran says I've got a lovely singing voice!

Your gran is thick.

And why are we wearing these stupid romper suits?

Everyone, please! We have two days to get this right.

Nice work, Josh. This choir was on fire before you came and ruined it.

-Oh, was it really?

-I think I'm going to go.

Er, Rachel, don't go, man! We were just getting warmed up.

I've just remembered, I've got things to do. Sorry, Mr Harris.

Great, now our best singer's gone.

Yeah. There goes my last chance of happiness.

Oi, you two.

Can I help?

You're meant to be at boxing class.

Sorry, sir, but we don't actually want to box.

I don't care. If you don't come,

Mrs O'Brien is going to think I'm discrimin...

d...discr...disc...

discriminifying.

Mr Nunn, I'm really sorry, but they're in my choir.

Not any more, mate. Now come on. Get yourself out of those...

whatever those are and get kitted up.

This choir ain't what I thought it was. I'm sliding.

-Yeah, me too.

-Oh, no. Mr Bell might not notice if two go,

but he will if you all do.

Back here.

Punch it...

Punch it again...

Do even more punching...

-This is horrible.

-I know.

I hurt in muscles I didn't even know I had.

Right, looks like we need to work on your motivation, ladies.

Ten laps of the gym. Now.

-Sir!

-Or can't your little girlie spaghetti legs take it?

HE CHUCKLES

Go on.

My little choirboy! I'm so proud.

You and me were in a gospel choir once, weren't we?

Well, you were in the choir, I was more a star soloist.

Yeah, she had a powerful voice, just a bit shrieky.

-When's the concert?

-Tomorrow, assembly.

But it's going to suck cos Josh wrecked it.

Don't worry about that, cos I dropped out.

-What?

-Josh!

Dexter said it was cool.

Now you know we're going to embarrass ourselves, you've bailed?

Look, it's not my fault you're going to look like dweebs.

It's a naff song and lame outfits.

-Nero! Your dinosaur waffles!

-I ain't hungry.

That's typical, Josh.

Something gets hard and you leave without a thought for anybody else.

Er, I don't think so.

# Aaaaah, man, I left my crew in the lurch

# Never, ever want to get pushed off my perch

# Ain't just my mum who gets driven berserk

# She's the only one who'll confirm that I've been this way since birth

# Y'see, one day old, in the hospital nursery

# I took all the dummies and bottles of milk that weren't for me

# As a toddler at the table for dinner time

# If I was done before you, the rest of yours? It was mine

# When there's not much milk left, I won't finish it

# Just most of it, then put the tiny bit back in the fridge

# I'm even worse when it comes to your stuff

# I'll borrow it, use it and lose it

# Sure enough I'll be back next time to borrow something else

-# Maybe that's why my mum says

-"Josh! You're something else!"

# I guess I thought she meant it as a compliment

# But now I see if people wanted to hate me, what's stopping them?

# I wouldn't like a friend like me who jumped the gun

# To every advantage, just looking out for number one

# And now I've got the best of my friends stuck in a fix

# All because of another of Josh Carter's tricks

# Well, maybe this time I could be more of a man than a mouse

# And try to help out, give 'em a hand

# Yeah, yeah, try to help out, give 'em a hand

# Ah, yeah, try to help out, give 'em a hand, uh-huh. #

COMMOTION

My secret toilet!

You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.

You swore, on Scout's honour.

Oh, come on, I didn't tell anyone else, I swear.

I got backup.

Oh, no, no, we can't go handing back the hard-won freedoms we fought for!

It's Mr Nunn. I'm really sorry, miss, but he's a wazzock.

I think it's just easier if we drop out,

fight for equality in other ways, like with our minds or something.

I know the pressure strong, powerful women face

in a male-dominated environment.

But when you get knocked down,

you have to get back in that ring and show those boys what you can do.

-But...

-You'll be fine.

Why don't I drop in on you later, show you some moral support?

I believe in you!

-Don't punch me.

-You punched me.

And you let him drop out?

I listened to what Josh had to say,

and I made a decision which I thought was best for the group.

Lies. Josh told me he bailed

cos we're going to look like massive idiots.

I'm well going to lamp him.

I know you're finding the song challenging,

but if we run it through one last time as a team it'll come together.

Right, Miss Parkwood?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, you're being serious.

Yes. Definitely.

Let's go.

LOUDLY, OUT OF TUNE: # Awimoweh, awimoweh

# Awimoweh, awimoweh

# Awimoweh! #

Will you stop shouting in my ear?

You're the one that's doing the shouting.

Oi. Get off my mate.

You get off him! Calm it, Eli.

I'm jacking this in. I'm serious.

Wassup, divots?

What are you doing here, king dropout?

Oh, sorry, am I late? I was too busy doing some - ahem...

# ..voca-a-a-al warm-ups! #

I thought you quit.

Well, I did, but it's evident you guys need me. So, what's up?

We can't sing, and the song's rubbish.

Well, luckily for you guys, I spent some time last night

messing around with the track, and I reworked it.

That still doesn't solve the problem that we can't sing.

Leave that to me, Agness.

You see, a choir is like a big speaker of people.

-Ain't that right, Dexter?

-Kind of.

So, tweeters on this side, woofers over here.

Ash, you got a good set of pipes, yeah?

It's true. I'm a gifted man.

Well, maybe you should stand at the back,

so you can really give it some welly. Yeah?

Isaac, you need to sing in a higher key.

And, Eli, Eli, my main man?

Move your mouth up and down, open, close, like you're singing,

but, for me, don't let a sound come out.

Now, the rest of you, after three, give me an awimoweh.

One, two, three.

# Awimoweh. #

That sounded proper good, that did.

I can't believe we're stuck here doing this.

-It's your fault.

-Er, how?

You totally wussed out in front of O'Brien.

I wussed out? You were all rubbish and pathetic.

Do you want to come here and say that?

BOYS CHANT: Fight, fight, fight, fight...

Whoa, girls!

-She started it.

-I never!

-I don't care who started it,

bring it on! Maybe I underestimated you two.

Right, you in that corner, you over there.

Now, I want no biting and a good, clean fight.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

What is this?!

Er, all right? I was just showing them what sparring looks like.

So...they can avoid it. You know, for their own safety.

That's it. I'm shutting this club down.

-What?!

-I can't have pupils fighting in my school.

Girls, I am very disappointed in you.

When I said, "Get back in the ring," this is not what I had in mind!

Now come on, shake hands.

So does that mean no more boxing club, sir?

No. It's political correctness gone mad.

Listen, girls, I run an after-hours boxing club at the YMCA.

You're welcome to come along for a few bouts.

But I am warning you, it does get pretty tasty.

Mr Nunn, what are you doing?

Just saying that violence is never the answer.

Better get a quick bog drop in before the...

Oh, no.

Locks! Ding-Dong's an evil genius.

My secret toilet out of bounds, for ever!

If it makes any difference, I stole you some of this.

Two-ply! Thanks, mate.

It's just my way of saying, y'know...sorry.

Well, five years to go at this school.

I suppose I was always going to have to brave the school bogs one day.

Wish me luck. I'm going in.

Godspeed, pal.

Following the excesses of last week's show...

..it is a privilege to introduce

something more classically satisfying...

our new choir, formed by former Elmsbury teacher Mr Harris.

ALL, IN TUNE: Awimoweh, awimoweh, awimoweh, awimoweh

# Awimoweh, awimoweh, awimoweh, awimoweh

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

# In the jungle, the...big... jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

THEY VOCALISE

# Yeah, it's a jungle out here in my manor, subtropical Elmsmere

# You can smell foul stench from the rainforest floor

# Droppings from the beasts that walked here before

# We got big grizzlies teaching PE, some sloths in music taking it easy

# Two old elephants fighting to be the boss, yo

# Still haven't clocked, though, who's the head honcho

# Maybe it's me, I could be the sleeping lion

# Wake up as the king, rule over you like a giant

# But now I'm just a cub in this jungle book

# And I need all of my friends in this jungle, look

# Kids are cruel, if we act the fool and they see us

# In the playground they'll be laughing like hyenas

# Dog eat dog, real friends and no fakes

# So shhhhhhhh, watch out for those snakes!

# It's a jungle. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

It NEVER sounded like that when we did it at Scouts.

You got to admit, cuz, I knocked it out the park.

Yeah, that's only cos you were performing my songs, bro.

All right, your flow was good. For a Year Seven.

What on earth do you call that?

I was expecting finely honed close harmonies, not that abomination.

Shows we can move with the times, encourage difficult kids...?

Really? Because I call it a complete embarrassment.

-Mr Harris!

-I can explain. You see, some of the kids dropped out and...

That was great! So refreshing.

I can see our teachers have got a lot to live up to.

Under the circumstances, I... suppose you did your best.

Well done.

You did so well. I'm so proud!

You've just headlined assembly. This is your big chance to make a move.

Yeah, but I also ruined choir for her, bro.

So I doubt she's going to be that into it.

-Hey, Josh.

-Hey, Rach.

-What's up?

I'm standing outside the assembly hall feeling like a dingbat,

-to be honest.

-Well, I really liked what you did up there.

Really? I mean, course you did.

I mean, what I did up there was pretty special, you know.

Do you think I'll be able to join the choir again?

Yes. Um, Mr Harris?

Mr Harris, how would you feel about Rachel joining choir again?

I'm really sorry, guys, but I think that was a one-off.

Bit too much work for me. Unless Miss Parkwood wants to take over.

Maybe.

Oh, wait, I just remembered I have a life.

Erm, maybe we can, er, catch up

and talk music over a burger or something?

Sure. When's good?

I got a gap in my schedule right now.

And could you bring one of your friends?

Preferably a sparkly one, cos I do like 'em feisty.

They're all busy tonight. Maybe another time.

Ash!

Well done, mate(!) Thanks for blowing it.

Don't know why I bother.

-# You can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up, they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# When no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always going to be around

-Got to find the common ground

# If you know so much about me Where do I go from here?

-# You see 'em every day

-You can never get away

BOTH: # The only time when you're the boss is four o'clock. #