Radio 4 o'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out Like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day, down the line This time is sure to stop

-# So the only time is now - 4 O'Clock

-4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

This is well wonky.

Why have we got to do this?

Because you're the ones I found skiving Geography.

You just can't let that go, can you, Sir?

-Ha!

-Nah!

-You can do this on your own!

Usable stuff in boxes, rubbish in bags.

I want this place cleared by the end of the lesson.

Right, I'll be back in a minute. Get cracking.

So we have to stay here

and clear up this mess whilst he goes off to play Mr Loverman?

Oh! I always wanted to do this!

Right. Abracadabra!

Ash! Watch it, you nugget!

You can't speak to me like that. Josh - tell him.

Hey, check it out!

Yeah, and...?

98...99...100!

Uh! Oh! Hey!

Press-ups. In a tweed jacket? Without breaking a sweat.

Very impressive.

Yeah. Where you off to?

To see some persistent truants.

And show them who's boss, yeah?

Sometimes kids are like "Yeah, nah what I mean?"

You've got to be like "Yeah I do nah what you mean!"

Well, I think the aggressive approach doesn't always work.

Oh, yeah, totally. It's all about...

listening and understanding their...

-I've got to go.

-Hey - maybe your truants would respond to a young,

intelligent male with a bit of grit?

You know I mean me, right?

So, I do hope that you'll consider Elmsmere in the Autumn.

Any questions?

Yeah. I do, as a matter of fact.

I wanted to do Media Studies.

What extracurricular stuff have you got?

What don't we do? Ha!

All right then, what don't you do?

Nothing. Moving on.

It just looks like a load of old knobs.

Well it's obviously an old radio station.

I can do my own show with this.

Broadcast live to the whole school, spread the "J" magic.

I'm going to ask Dexter.

There's no way this is gonna work.

Oh...Isaac, did I show you this picture of my bum?

Eeurgh!

That's just, like, a picture of your fingers.

Yeah, but it's wicked!

I take a photograph of my hand and then I zoom in...

OVER PA: '..and tada! It's Bum City.'

'Why are you faking bum photos?

'Why am I faking bum photos? Ain't it obvious?'

'No? What planet are you from?'

Is that your lot?

'Planet Bum?'

OK. Lovely to see you again. Ring me sometime! Bye!

'Stop being immature!'

'Think about it.

'No one's gonna believe them's your real onions.'

-School play rehearsals.

-What play's that, then? MacBum?

'Hey, come on. Bums...'

..they're funny!

The whole school just heard you talking about buttocks!

It works? Oh! Wicked!

Oh come on, man.

Why should you be allowed to run your own radio show?!

Your behaviour is awful!

PC Rowe was not impressed by that hooliganism today.

OK, well, do you know what would impress her?

-Me giving you detention?

-No.

You take a known hooligan,

you turn him into the voice of a nation's youth.

You make him a valued member in the school community,

then she's gotta be impressed!

That's right. The most impressive station on the airwaves.

Irresistible to kids, headteachers, and policewomen alike.

It's radio Elmsmere.

# Maybe radio's the answer

# Maybe Josh is right and this is a great chance to

# Show Emily Rowe that I'm not a bozo

# Surprise her with one or two things she won't know about me

# All those young kids that are rowdy

# I create activities where they can still be shouty

# But without causing hurt or offence

# That's why music and a mic make perfect sense

# This is going to be immense to have my own show

# And play my own songs for those who don't know

# My tracks will flow so

# Across the whole globe

# I can quit school by next term and go pro

# Most shows probably use a fat crew

# I can do traffic, weather, sports, news and that too

# Jingles, adverts, everything in-between

# Producer, presenter, one-man team

# Wait, hold on, why just have a one-man team?

# I could show Rowe this isn't just some mad scheme

# Cos one tough kid alone is not much

# I should open this up to the 4 O'Clock Club

# Me, myself and I No-one supporting me

# Teamwork That's a good sign of maturity

# And I'm sure to see my dreams then, I reckon

BOTH: # Cos this idea is going to make me a legend. #

No!

But we'd be encouraging some of our more challenging pupils

to become valuable members of the school community.

Including the ones who photograph their own backsides? I think...

I think it's a very interesting idea. A radio station.

Only this morning, a prospective pupil was asking about

extracurricular media activities.

Well, if you really think it's a good idea...

That's settled, then.

I think responsibility for its success will rest solely with you,

Mr Harrison.

BELL RINGS

Gather round, children. I've got something to show you.

-Not this again.

-He's got bums on the brain.

Oh, great(!)

Ahem! Ladies?

-Josh.

-Let me guess.

You heard me this morning and now I'm the "butt" of your jokes?

Maybe.

Wanna know what that was? It was a little soundcheck.

Soundcheck?

Yep. Because I shall be hosting Elmsmere's first-ever radio show.

-Really?

-Tune in and find out, yeah?

S'pose it could be a bum.

If there was something really wrong with the person.

-Told you.

-I just don't get it.

# When did bums stop being funny?

# Am I that out of touch, so far off the money?

# The butt is just no longer humorous

# If that is true then I don't know who to trust

# Are you saying that it is no joke to bounce around

# Mooning the world with your trousers down?

# Nah, mate, it is not just funny It is art

# Like "Kick Me" signs and armpit farts

# I am providing good old-fashioned entertainment

# Come and find your Uncle Ash to play a game with

# If you ain't hot then you got to stop

# Is this Ash Newman's own butt or not?

# This one here you should guess with ease

# No, that's not a bum it's me elbow crease

# That's neck fat That's a fold in me belly

# That's just a toe You should know that already

# This isn't a game any more

# It's a quest to show the world that I know what's best

# When it comes to laughter bums make it happen

# Bsh-dsh-dsh-bsh-dsh-dsh That's my bum rapping

# Love your butt cos your butt loves you

# I love mine, it can do kung fu

# It should make you smile I love that

# And if it doesn't, then I've been given a bum rap

# Love your butt cos your butt loves you

# I love mine, it can do kung fu

# It should make you smile I love that

# And if it doesn't then I've been given a bum rap

# Oh, woah, love your bum, love your bum, love your bum

# And it will love you right back

# Yeah, it will love you right back. #

BELL RINGS

OK! Settle down, everyone! I have a very special announcement to make.

Thanks to a brilliant idea from Josh,

starting tomorrow lunch you'll all be running your very own...

radio station!

-What?! That's my gig!

-Lunchtime? You are having a giraffe.

When am I supposed to get my cheesy chips?

Do you realise how quickly they run out

because of the flipping salads for the weak kids?

I think "Very special" was a bit of an exaggeration, Sir.

What do the rest of you think?

I think that if this lot get involved, it's gonna be rubbish!

No offence.

None taken. Anyway, sounds like a right faff.

Sounds like a big ego trip for Josh. I'm out.

ALL GROAN

I'll buy you all pizza.

ALL AGREE AT ONCE

OK, I'll do it.

But only if there's garlic dipping sauce and gherkins.

I'm not doin' it if anyone gets pineapple

or those little fish things. Eurgh.

Hello, Emily?

'Dexter, I'm a little bit busy at the minute.'

Leave me alone. Get off!

Look, I was thinking - I'd really like to help you out

'with that truant thing.'

It's actually pretty similar to something that I'm working on here

with the kids in detention.

I'm really trying to reach them, get them interested...

OK, sure, look, whatever, I'll pick you up tomorrow lunchtime.

Oh good! That's brilliant.

Oh, she's gone.

Tomorrow lunchtime? Oh, no!

-Is everyone here?

-Oh, Sir, Zoe-Marie's not coming.

None of us like gherkins.

It's a shame, but what can you do?

Are those for us, Sir?

You can have them if you're good.

So, have you all decided what you're doing?

Agness - message boards.

Isaac - I want you to do the weather.

Eli - news. Ash - monkey news.

Owen - weird wirey hard stuff.

Nero - teaboy.

And J-Carter - superstar DJ.

I've done my Communicator Badge.

Well, there's not much to the technical side.

Really, the most important thing is this cable.

Have I shown you this picture of my bum?

You're not funny, Ash.

Yes I am! Why can none of you see that?!

..and as long as that's plugged in, you're good to go!

So just remember that one thing and everything should be fine.

Can I just...?

Great! Here we go! In three, two, one...

What's going on, Elmsmere?

It's your main boy J-Carter coming live and exclusive

from the J-Carter Radio Show!

Text in to J-Carter on the J-Carter line.

47206.

'Now we've got a banging track coming up from none other than -

'and I love this kid if I may say so myself - it's J-Carter!'

Didn't quite catch the name there.

Think he said it was J-Carter.

Hey - people are texting. They're actually listening to us!

So I just need to pop out for a moment.

Half an hour, tops.

Any probs, call mobile.

Sorry, sorry! I got held up. Let's go!

-Why have you brought flowers?

-They're not for you.

And this a little something I wrote a few months ago.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

Josh, we've already had like three requests

for you to play stuff people have actually heard of.

You know, popular stuff?

Agness, this stuff will be popular, OK?

Right, you lot, I am going for a little whizz.

Now you little munchkins don't touch anything. Yeah?

STATIC INTERFERENCE

We should tell him he can't just play his stuff.

Yes! Get him to play some showtunes!

I have got the Les Mis soundtrack, special edition.

OK, I've just got a message saying even the rubbish

-we were playing before was better than nothing.

-What?

There's nothing!

This should be plugged in!

-Where?

-I don't know!

Mate, you said you had your Communicator Badge!

Yeah, but that was mainly about sending creative text messages!

OK, OK.

Huh, does the mic still work?

Hello? Hello?

Sorry, folks, just a few minor technical difficulties here.

I'm calling Mr Harris.

The mic is working, so hold on...

PA: '..I'll just fill in till we find another track.'

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Agness? Sorry, what? What's dead?!

I could do tomorrow lunchtime! For definite!

Oh, no, not lunchtime!

So don't panic, or go manic

Cos Nero the Hero can just about manage

'Give me a minute and...'

Best bit so far.

That's not saying much.

Tech-tech-technical difficulties

Tech-tech-technical difficulties

Give me a moment and let me fiddle with these

'Uh, tech-tech-technical difficulties'

Tech-tech-technical difficulties

Tech-t-tech-t-tech...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

thank you very much to our assistant DJ there.

We will be getting this show...

'..back on the road shortly, and...'

..there we go. Never fear, the J-Man's here.

-Harrison!

-'For now we shall get back into one of my tracks!'

Giving you that radio show

might just have been my masterstroke.

A few hiccups here and there.

And I suppose the music is all a bit same-y.

That shouty, rhymey stuff has never really been my cup of tea.

Keep it up.

-It's like a bum... but it's my fingers.

-Ugh...

It's funny!

-Detention?

-Yeah, I'll see you there.

-Hey, um, did you hear the show?

-Yeah!

-Really liked it, actually.

-Yeah?

Yeah - when you got that little guy to do the live rap

about technical difficulties.

Was that your idea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I thought you were a great host. Liked your music.

Yeah? I mean, I think it's good

that I'm finally getting myself out there, you know?

It's good for Nero to drop a bit of random flow

but I'm the one who's writing the real stuff every day, you get me?

Nero doesn't actually know how hard it is.

You know, proper SONGwriting.

If you don't know, you don't know - you know?

Mm-hm.

OK, well, um... I guess I'd better get back.

It's just good to get all this stuff out.

You're a great listener - thank you.

# La la la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la ohh...

# La la la la la

# La la la ohh...

# In the ear and out the other

# I forget what she told me

# I complain that she's always moanin'

# But I forget what she told me... #

You wrote that?

Oh, my days. I'm an idiot, aren't I?

Yeah. But don't worry about it.

Hey! You should come on my show and play your stuff.

-No, I've...

-Come on, Rachel, you...

You're a star!

Cheeseball.

-Yeah...

-OK, you're on.

Any other ideas?

So...

My idea...

-ALL GROAN

-Oh, no, you can't be doing that!

-Just, no!

-Stop!

What? It's simple, it's funny and it's got bums.

How is it going to work on the radio?

Fine. My ideas are WASTED on you lot.

So, we're all agreed on one idea everyone likes -

giving Nero a daily rap.

Sick.

All right, guys.

But we've really not got much time in the show for other stuff.

Yeah - with the wall-to-wall J Carter.

Well, there is actually a guest slot.

Get in!

Which I've already filled for tomorrow with Rachel Crawford.

Nero was really good today.

He deserves a go, as do other people.

I'm sorry if you misunderstood,

but I ain't hosting no community mashup.

Well, that's fine by us.

That's cute.

So you think you can host a GOOD show

without the one guy who actually knows what he's doing?

OK.

Think about it and when you do get your minds straight,

call me, yeah?

So you've come to tell me

that Rachel can have the guest slot after all?

Nah! I've come to tell you I'm hosting the show.

What, you?!

Who else?

Good luck, mate, because without me,

that show is going to be a complete disaster.

-TANNOY:

-See what that button does, Eli...

Right you are.

DEEP VOICE: Ooh! Hey! I sound like my grandad!

Phone in and you could sound like Eli's grandad too!

After...this.

-Thanks for that.

-Hmm?

I just went to the studio.

They said there was no slot for me.

Oh, man...

Is it your show, or what?

Yeah! Yeah, of course.

These are just some... Minor scheduling issues.

You know, I'll switch some things around and we'll get you in.

So I'll still perform today?

Deffo, man. Meet me outside the studio in ten, yeah?

# ..said it, I did it

# Cos I won't let it

# Get into the way of where I'm headed

# Forget it... #

You're sure you've got everything under control this time?

Absolutely. Definitely. Scout's honour.

OK, guys - sounding good.

I'm just going to nip out for a few...30..minutes.

Awesome.

That was...awesome.

Right, so the plan is - we shut them up, and get me back on the air.

We're going to get caught. Then the little man'll shout at us.

Listen, if you help me out, I'll...

I don't know...I'll get you a spot on the show.

You can bum photo whoever you like.

Oh, mate!

Really?! Because I've got a CD full of bum photos right here.

Hmm...great.

I can't wait to...see these.

Ah! Mr Harris!

Mr Harris here runs the school radio station.

I'm sure he'd be delighted to tell you how it works.

He...doesn't LOOK very delighted.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh!

-Maybe we should...

Hello?

Go on, go on!

This way.

Yeah...

HE MOUTHS

Owen, get me those tracks ASAP, bro.

Eli, get me some water, yeah?

Everyone...

OK, coming up, we've got some of your requests,

but first we've got we've got the latest from your boy Dizzee Rascal!

Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-YEAH!

(He might have gone mad with power.)

Eli, where's the water, bro?

# I can't see no room for improvement

# Why you all over there in your Jack Jones?

# You need to let me get behind your backbone

# Cos I'm the man for the job, let me work it

# I won't waste no time, I'll make it worth it... #

And the students get to pick all the songs they play on the show.

# Now it's murder on the dance floor... #

MUSIC CUTS OUT

What song's this then? Silent night?!

# ..walk past

# I really wanna dance so I guess I'll just ask... #

'What's going on, Elmsmere? It's your main boy, J-Carter.'

Temporary hiccup.

-Do you know what the best cure for hiccups is?

-No.

Why did they put you in charge, then?

Out of order. Scram!

Oi, oi, oi! Here.

This way.

Come on, in here!

So! This is where the magic happens.

PHONE VIBRATES

ROWE: 'Where are you?!

-'Do you want to do this or not?'

-Of course.

I shall deal with that instantaneously.

I'll be back in just a jiffy.

What do you do, then?

News.

Um... Why are you dressed as an orange?

Because they'd already rented the banana.

Any chance I could be home-schooled?

We have a very special guest with us here today - Miss Rachel Crawford.

What have you got for us, Rachel?

Well, it's a little number called...

TOILET FLUSHES

Sorry!

Er...called...

Listen To Your Mama.

Lovely.

# La la la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la ohh... #

Hey, the cable's missing!

# ..busy worlds out of things out the blue... #

That plug job's ripped off our signal!

# Listen to your Mama

# Before she has a heart attack

# La la la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la ohh... #

Sorry guys. Something...bad... happened in here, so...

-No!

-Move!

-No!

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

And these are what we like to call the boys' bogs.

So great to be involved.

I recently made a big breakthrough with my kids -

so I'm really hoping I can do the same with yours.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah...

Mr Bell. I wonder what he wants.

-Hello?

-'Harris! Your thugs have ruined everything - again!

'Where the heck are you?'

Tomorrow lunchtime?

Maybe not.

OK, folks, what we have here is Nero, our co-host,

who's here to do a...a guest appearance on the track.

You pulled the plug on me, man!

I was just trying to do my bit for the team.

-Yeah, whatever.

-The big one's Josh.

He's the plug job Nero was on about earlier.

Look, this was my show,

'that you stole from me...'

It's worse than the Emmerdale Christmas special!

Ah! Dexter.

Could you perhaps help us track down our amateur broadcasters?

This radio project of yours

hasn't gone quite as well as I think Mr Bell was expecting.

Also, we appear to have lost a couple of visitors.

-You're always taking my stuff!

-I've never taken your stuff, man!

You're the one that took my show.

Carter! Johnson! Stop talking immediately!

If you'd like to follow me,

perhaps I could show you the school newspaper?

Where's that, then, the ladies?

MR BELL LAUGHS

All right...how - how's about we all calm down

and try and hear that song from Rachel?

I think not.

And - detention.

Everyone.

BELL RINGS

-Rachel...

-What do you want?

-I want to apologise.

-For what?

Lying to me? Making me sit in the boys' bogs?

Or getting me detention?

I'm not going to say much because I know you're angry right now,

but I wanted to give you this.

It sort of explains how I really feel. Um, I did it last night.

It might explain why I act like such an idiot around you

all the time, so...

So! Mr Bell has banned the radio show.

And put a note on my permanent record. Well done, everyone(!)

Never mind, all's well that ends well, I suppose, and...

and at least we've still got the memories.

Yeah, and like a thousand butt photos - I'm sure this one's yours?

"Girl You Make Me Crazy"?

What?! Gimme that!

Photos of people's butts?

Do me a favour, Josh - NEVER speak to me again.

Rachel!

She really thought they were people's butts.

Result!

Actually, that IS pretty funny.

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# When no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Got to find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

-# Only time that you're the boss - four o'clock

-Four o'clock. #