Health & Safety 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

It just ain't fair. You're getting out of cross-country and we ain't.

Yeah! Why do you get to be the library book monkey

when we have to run around a field getting yelled at?

Because I applied weeks ago, did an interview

and got my parents' permission.

So unfair.

Chill, Eli. We'll find our own skive.

BELL RINGS

OK, guys. That's it for today.

Dewey Decimal System, here I come!

Hey, Dex. Do you need any help tidying up?

Really?

OK, thanks.

You can start by taking these keyboards back to the storeroom.

No probs.

-COUGHS:

-Suck ups.

-See you at cross-country.

-Or will you?

Don't let me down.

You've no idea how much this means to me.

I'm turning a corner. No more detentions.

Good. Because there's no place for mischief in the library.

We do things by the book.

HE LAUGHS

-What's funny?

-"By the book."

It's a pun.

Book?

Library?

What's the point in cross-country?

Running but going nowhere. That's school in a nutshell.

Right. In three, two, one...

Run for it!

What if we don't want to run for it?

Just move it, will you?!

You're being chased by a bull!

It's massive and lonely and wants a wife!

Run!

Hey, look. I'm one of those creepy monkey toys.

Shut up! Someone'll hear.

What happened to just saying we're doing an errand for Mr Harris?

What if it's Harris that hears us? Put them down. Please.

It wasn't us sir. It was a...

Oh, a naughty boy. He went...that way.

What have you done?

We're just tidying up, innit? You got to keep on top of this, Dex.

Unbelievable. You can come back after school and sort this out.

All right. Keep your chin strapped.

Anyway, I'd rather get to cross-country

than get another one of your lectures.

Oh, would you?

Well, in that case you can miss the cross-country,

and stay here and tidy up right now.

-Almost too easy, right?

-HE CHUCKLES

OK.

Ah! Ow! Argh!

Argh!

I'm meant to be supervising the school orchestra rehearsal.

You've inconvenienced a lot of people.

Yeah, well, maybe you should have been supervising us better.

You're lucky no school equipment got damaged.

Yeah, cos a tambourine's way more important than my foot, right?

Thinking about yourself, again.

What about your impact on others?

When are you going to grow up?

I've re-inked all the library stamps. What's next?

The storeroom. Our old books are overdue for cataloguing.

Alphabetically, chronologically or in subject area?

All three.

Just a bruise.

Don't do anything too strenuous for the next few days,

it'll be right as rain.

So...what did he say? How bad is it?

How bad is it?

# I'll tell you how bad - it's a minor bruise

# But Dexy don't know if I'm fine or doomed

# So that means it's time to choose whether I go for a lie or truth

# I could test just how much he'll care

# If I tell him I'm confined to a wheelchair

# Or that I have to lose the whole leg

# And walk around like a pirate with a peg

# Poor little Nero! My life's horrible

# And only one person who's responsible

# That will serve him right for telling me off

# In front of everyone making me look soft

# If I pretend this injury might kill me

# Think of the perks if Dexter feels guilty

# If I can pull off the invalid thing

# He'd have to treat me like his king

# All hail Emperor Nero

# Tragically injured Wow, what a hero!

# Love him, serve him do his bidding

# Might have lost a foot but trust me, I'm winning

# All hail Commander in Chief With a bravery that's beyond belief

# Look how he fights through the pain

# You'll never see an emperor like this again

# And you might say, "Well, he's lying, clearly"

# It's more an exaggeration, really

# I mean, man, what's the worst that can happen?

# Time to put this plan into action! #

They said I broke a bone. My index bone.

Totally splintered it. Could be out of action for months.

-Agh!

-Whoa! Careful, careful, careful.

-NERO WINCES

-Easy, easy.

All right, let's get you home.

And maybe we could stop off at that little shop on the way,

get you some sweets.

OK.

Yeah, Mum. It kills.

Yeah, they said they'd never seen a break like it.

She wants to have a word.

HE SIGHS

Sorry.

Sugar? Mizz Magazine?

Are you planning some kind of makeover?

I'm taking them to be recycled.

We'll have them!

If you're sure. They're quite old.

Some of them go back years.

Great!

All right?

Aw! Look at the cute little baby!

-Aww.

-Typical.

Show you girls a baby and then you are all melty and stupid.

Show us that again.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

That is amazing.

You never told us you was a model.

That's not me!

-Oh, it is.

-It's got your chin.

No, he don't. Plus, he's a dog.

Not the dog, the baby.

I think I'd remember being a baby model.

Look, did you have loads of baths when you were a baby?

Yeah!

And was there a lot of soap around your house growing up?

Yeah. Yeah!

Aw, we ALWAYS had soap.

But...nah. It couldn't be.

Could it?

Wow, Eli. Why didn't you tell us?

Does it hurt?

Yeah, but I don't want to make a fuss, you know?

Good. Good.

-Ow.

-Mr Bell, could you...?

-Watch my head. Easy. Careful.

-Sorry.

That's the way it should be - teachers carrying kids.

-What happened?!

-Broken foot.

Aw, where's your cast? I wanted to sign it.

I'll just sign your trousers.

No, no, no. It's all right.

I can take it from here. Oh!

I'll help!

Watch the bin!

Whoa!

Sorry.

Eleesha. Eleesha! Whoa!

You're killing me.

Nero! Eli told me what happened. Does it hurt?

Only when Eleesha's pushing me.

That bandage is shocking. You've barely got any support at all.

That's more the sort of wrapping I'd use

for maybe a sprain or a bruise.

Obviously, it's not just a sprain cos the hospital said it's broken.

Yeah, but not even a splint? It's unacceptable.

Owen, Owen.

Uh-oh.

Is that the whiff of deceit I can smell?

ELI SNIFFS

Oh, I hope so. I'm well hungry.

I mean he's lying.

Pff!

So you haven't hurt your foot?

I pushed you all the way for nothing?

I'm just, you know, making out it's a bit worse than it actually is.

Dexter had this coming.

Stick it to 'em. Low five.

I am not sure what I'm more appalled by -

the misuse of hospital equipment,

or the manipulation of people's sympathy.

Who cares? Bagsy pushing.

Does this thing do wheelies?

-Wahey!

-Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, Eli!

BELL RINGS

OK. Homework tonight - osmosis in potatoes.

At what concentration of water... HE GROANS

Nero, are you OK? Is it your foot?

Uh...yeah, Miss.

It's not going to stop you from doing your homework, is it?

No. I mean...

I have got physio tonight, but I'll cancel it.

Oh, no, Nero. I don't want you to have to do that.

It's not your fault you've broken your foot.

Exempt from your essay.

Seriously?

Oh, great!

By the time we get served, all the dinosaur shapes will be gone.

Try and push me to the front. Got to be worth a try.

Excuse me. Sorry.

-Mind the wheels, you spam.

-Sorry.

KIDS GRUMBLE

And what can I get you boys?

Mmm! Delicious.

You might've missed cross-country yesterday,

but that doesn't mean I can't make you do it today.

12 laps around that field or...

Um...

-I didn't realise that you were a...

-Well, he is.

Right. Well. Obviously, you can't do anything if you're a...

if you're a...if you're a...

Well, if you're in one of those.

-Ow! Ow!

-Sorry! Sorry. Sorry.

I'm...I'm going to...

See you later.

I didn't give you permission to display that.

But...it's been signed.

By Baden Powell himself!

The founder of the scouting movement?

I don't care if it's been signed by Father Christmas.

Please!

It's a rare treasure. You have to.

Fine, it can stay. Just get on with your duties.

I need you to put these up.

And when you've done, I've a list of jobs

that need doing round the school.

THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY

That's enough, thank you!

Sorry - what's going on?

New school health and safety policy.

Instruments over a certain size and weight

are no longer allowed in school.

This seems a bit extreme.

You should've thought about that

before you allowed your student to be injured.

Why would my mum get me Turkish delight?

I hate Turkish delight. She knows that.

I think it's delicious.

Whoa! Ow!

Sorry.

Stop getting it on my head, like...

You'll have to take the long way round.

-I need to make these doors safe.

-Isaac...

D-d-d-d! Don't have a go.

Miss Andress is making a few changes.

Oh, yeah. You don't say.

-Watch it!

-Sorry.

So, I asked my mum last night

and she said I have never been a baby model

and to, you know, go to bed

and stop bothering her at 1am when she's trying to sleep.

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she?

Yeah. She probably made millions out of your modelling career.

She wouldn't want you to have that now, would she?

You'd just spend it on crisps.

That's so mean!

No, my mum would never do that.

She knows how much I love crisps.

Money does funny things to people.

You really think I'm the...?

We do.

Eli, you are the Softly Soap Baby. Be proud.

# Ooh, I'm just so cute

# I'm just so cute and smooth

# Like a baby's bum and soft

# And soapy I'm number one

# Just think - all those years people have always said I was weird

# Now I know why I stand out from the norm

# I've been a male model since the day I was born

# Funny, I always knew I was different

# Now the whole world can stand up and listen

# Start with the magazines then billboards

# Train stations, stadiums still more!

# This could be a real winner that I'm onto

# Like the saying says - the world is my lobster

# This time next year I'll be a cover star

# In the Bahamas or some other far away tropical land

# On a photoshoot surrounded by fans They know I'm cute

# Anyone who ever teased me don't forget

# I'm the Softy Soap Baby show respect!

# Ooh, time to moisturise

# This guy's a feast for your eyes

# Ah, these brains, this face

# Turn out I'm a gold mine So watch this space

# So soft, so soapy So soft, so soapy

# So soft, so soapy So soapy, so soapy

# Uh! #

Wow.

I need to watch my complexion in the sunlight!

What's going on?

New rules. Miss Andress is removing all books with dangerous content.

The Giant Book Of Heart-warming Tales?

Or that could fall on someone and cause an injury.

Wait! You can't take that. It's special.

Fire starting. Tying knots. Knife and axe use.

Lock it away with the others.

Isaac! No!

I'm just the caretaker. It's not my job to think.

Don't have a go.

OK, Johnson is exempt from PE today due to being all...

naffed up in the foot.

Naffed up foot my foot.

The rest of you can get into position.

Should you be doing PE?

What if you the ball hits you in the face?

Yeah. Your face is your fortune.

Sir, I shouldn't be playing rounders either.

I'm a male model.

You're a male idiot.

Nobody other that wheelie boy gets to sit this one out.

No rounders! Give me that bat.

Ball sport is strictly safety first from this point.

-What?

-She's out of control!

She's even confiscated a valuable scouting book

because she thinks it's dangerous!

What am I supposed to do, then?

They can pass this to one another.

-Go long!

-Fleur!

Stop! Roll it across the ground.

Man alive!

Obviously, real volcanoes erupt

when magma rises through cracks or weaknesses in the earth's crust.

Hey. I can't see.

This scale model merely demonstrates how it's easy to show...

Stop right there.

KIDS GROAN

We can't have dangerous chemicals around the students.

What? It's the explosions that makes school bearable.

-It's just water, baking soda...

-I don't care.

The very idea of volcanoes is dangerous.

Next they'll all be rushing off looking for lava to play with.

-I...

-Uh...just following orders.

Don't have a go.

In the wake of Johnson's injury, I'm not prepared to take any chances.

What am I supposed to teach them?

I am sure even this lot would struggle to hurt themselves

writing an essay.

-GROANING

-Miss, that is not fair.

A load of bored kids rolling a ball around? It's rubbish!

I'm supposed to be teaching physical education,

not lazy snooze boring time.

How can I do electrons and ions

when she's confiscated my Van der Graaf generator?

Well done, Harris, for letting Johnson and Grant

faff about in a storeroom.

I'll make it up to you. I promise.

Well, you better. It's political correctness gone mad.

Scalding hazard.

Don't have a go.

Where do you think you're going?

-To the playground?

-Oh, no.

Until we can afford to make school wheelchair safe,

you're a liability.

You're staying inside at breaks.

-What about my lunch?

-I'll bring you something.

OK. I'll have a burger and chips...

Oh, no, you won't. Hot food is now banned.

Miss Andress, a word.

What are you doing here? It's lunchtime.

I've come to ask for mercy.

For a book. Isobel thinks it's dangerous.

Then I'm sure she's right.

But...it's valuable.

Or, well...it is to me.

You can't just lock books up!

No. What a waste of space that would be.

-They're being sent away to be pulped.

-Pulped!?

The funds raised will go to pay for wheelchair ramps for the school.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Yes, this is Eli Grant, the Softly Soap Baby.

I'm calling from Bettaways Supermarket on Crow Street.

We would like you to make a promotional appearance

at our store at 5pm tonight.

How did you get this number?

It's, er...

in the Baby Model Directory.

We'd love to have you.

Plus, you'd be handsomely rewarded.

Well, I am very handsome.

And of course, we'd like you to come dressed as a giant baby.

Of course. Anything for the fans.

See you later.

I don't get it.

You ain't got no Baby Model Directory.

What?

Eleesha...Eli ain't really the Softly Soap Baby.

Yeah, he is.

Why else would you be hiring him to appear at the supermarket?

What about experimenting with static electricity?

There's nothing in the new guidelines banning it.

You utter buffoon.

And as for PE, this memo doesn't mention Malaysian kickball,

geocaching, gurning...

Gurning?!

Get a grip, Harris! You've gone off the deep end.

-I'm just trying to help.

-Well, don't.

You need to tell Miss Andress there's nothing wrong with your leg.

No way! You know how much cuss I'd be in?

Fine.

But if you don't do something to stop that book getting pulped, I will.

HE CHUCKLES

Like what? Break into the staff room and nick it back?

Yes.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Nah.

Owen. Owen.

Owen! Wait up!

Think about this!

# So, what do I do now? Lied myself into a corner, ouch!

# Yeah, I know my foot don't hurt but my brain does

# How do I make this thing work?

# So, what do I do now? Lied myself into a corner, ouch!

# Yeah, I know my foot don't hurt but my brain does

# How do I make this thing work?

# Times are hard for the boy who cried foot

# Guess the plan worked that much was good

# Homework and cross-country got skipped

# And those dinosaur shapes were crisp

# The guilt I made Dexter feel was perfect

# But in the cold light of day was it worth it?

# Look at all the drama I got now

# Elmsmere on a health and safety lock down

# Talk about your OTT

# Andress is on the next level now, see?

# On top of that I freaked out my mum

# And to my mates I'm public enemy number one

# Now Owen's going to raid the staff room and get nicked

# And probably get suspended

# Maybe I should confess this

# And avoid the stresses

# Oh, man, I can't do it!

# He'll get suspended I'll get EXCLUDED!

# Nah, I've got to come up with another plan

# Before we all get stuck in another jam

# Owen trying to be bad won't end well

# I've got to stop him, I know I can't fail! #

Owen!

I told you to stay put!

Yeah, you did, Miss, but I got cabin fever in there.

I just had to GET OUT!

Yeah, just had to GET OUT.

It's my leg, you see, um, MISS ANDRESS.

It needs air now that I can't RUN.

Since when did a broken leg need air?

Go back to the classroom!

Wait, wait, Miss!

There's something you have to know.

I'm cured!

Oh, wow, it's a miracle.

It's not a miracle, Johnson. It's a month's detention.

You must think I am an idiot.

I need you to put the school back to rights.

But I was just...

I want everything back to normal by tomorrow morning.

Argh!

But you called me! Don't you know who I am?

I'm the Softly Soap Baby!

Come on. Move it.

Mum! Tell them who I am!

And then tell me where you've hidden my millions, you dirty thief!

Aw, look, it's a baby!

Aw, you're right, Eli.

Girls do get all melty and stupid when we see a baby.

Aww!

That is so going online.

You! You did this!

You've ruined my life!

-Come on.

-Mum!

Move it.

You'd think they'd treat him with a bit more respect.

You know, with him being a male model and all.

Keep it up, Johnson, you little faker!

Come on, Nero. You owe Mr Nunn ten more laps!

Pick up those puny legs, boy!

Thought you might need this.

Life-saver.

It's the least I could do after you helped me save the book.

Sorry you got in so much trouble.

It's chill man.

My mum said as a punishment I don't deserve any more Turkish delight.

Result!

Move it! Come on!

Come on!

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick them out

# When you're up they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-But what no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-Always going to be around

-# Got to find a common ground

-If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

-# If you see them every day

-You can never get away

-# Only time that you're the boss?

-4 o'clock. #