Netball 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know Nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What d'you do when you end up Somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out Like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days And bad days

# But one day down the line This time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock. #

I don't get it. Why is Ding-Dong making us do detention outside?

Maybe he's going to teach us survival skills.

-I've always wanted to learn how to beat up a badger. Hai-ya!

-Ow.

Whoa. Guys, check it out.

Throw, throw...

Come on, girls, keep throwing.

Mr Nunn teaches netball club?

It's like that time we saw Mr Bell

at the pool with the little trunks on.

Just wrong.

Oi, sir! Where's your frilly skirt?

Why's that, Johnson? You want to borrow it?

Netball? A bit wimpy for you,

innit, sir?

Actually, I studied netball

for my sports enthusiast badge.

It's a fascinating discipline.

No, Johnson's right. It's basketball for wimps.

Which is why I can watch real sport whilst this lot play catch.

Ooh, unlucky!

Enjoy detention, losers.

What's up with those Day-Glo threads?

Under Mr Harris, detention became some of holiday camp.

It's time for a change.

What, you're taking us to an actual holiday camp?!

Litter-picking.

THEY COMPLAIN

And...for two more seasoned offenders,

special treat - dog duty.

What's up with you?

I'm rejecting the whole concept of labour as punishment.

Yeah?

-Reject this!

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, come on, you wouldn't...

Litter fight!

Ew!

There is a rotten sausage in here and I'm going to shove it

so far up your nose!

Johnson, Grant, Burton...

..this one. Headmaster's office. Now.

Get out. I'm busy.

But Mr Bell sent us, Miss.

You do know your subnormal sidekick's turned

detention into a labour camp.

I didn't, no.

-But I don't see your problem.

-Typical teacher.

All about the punishment.

A proper school would punish us with activities that

developed us as people.

Would it? Like what?

Netball Club!

ALL: What?

Yeah, you know, that'd well develop us as people.

It'd teach us hard work, discipline...team spirit.

Got any more of those?

Fine. Netball Club it is. Now get out of my office.

-Netball Club?

-You can thank me later.

Come on, let's split.

I'd rather lug junk than play catch for the man.

She'd rather pick up bum-drops than chuck a floppy ball about?

Hardcore.

Check this one out, Fat Man Runs Into Wall.

Here he comes...

-Here he comes and...

-BOYS: Oooooooh!

Comedy gold.

Sir, this is Netball Club, so can we actually play some netball?

All right, fine.

Tell you what, you lot might as well go home early.

You serious?

Yeah, you're boys, you don't need lessons in how to catch.

Am I right?

Nice one, let's go!

Right!

If I fall asleep, you blow that into my ear, love?

Where are those three off to?

Home. Didn't want this lot

embarrassing themselves in front of an audience, know what I mean?

And why are they playing netball with an old football?

Because I spent all the netball money on shin-pads for cricket.

'To me, to me.'

My office, tomorrow morning.

I've got footie warm-ups.

All right, I suppose I can reschedule.

Sorry about the smell, I ran in...

Uh! What's with the nun?

This is Sister Dorothy.

She's head of PE at St Millicent's Convent.

Good morning.

PE? Must be hard to run in that.

She's generously offered to lend us some netball equipment

until we can afford to buy our own.

Perhaps you'd like to help me unload the van.

Unless you're too tired out from your run?

I'll manage.

HE GROANS

Now...

Can I help you with any coaching tips...

..as well as equipment?

I'm all right, love,

I know how to tell them to throw a big orange football through a hoop.

I am a national coach.

I could fill you in on the latest tactics?

For nuns.

St Millicent's are the regional champions.

Yeah, but I've got boys in my team.

They could beat your lot, easy.

All right, Elmsmere versus St Millicent's, here, this Friday.

And you better have that little embroidered cushion at the ready,

sister, because it's time to start praying.

We've booked this room.

Yeah, well, my bum's booked this seat.

You're obstructing a meeting of the school newspaper.

Who cares?

Wait! School newspaper? You need any stories?

Why? You've got one, have you?

Yeah, I do actually.

So sit down, cos this is going to blow your Crocs off.

-Come on.

-Pass it here.

-Pass and move.

-Pass and move.

-GS.

Stands for "great skive".

Yo!

All right, sir, check how freaked out this dog is by this hose, look.

Can it, Johnson.

Grab a ball, get on the court and look lively.

What?

But I thought you said boys don't need to learn how to catch.

That's before I signed us up

for a match against St Millicent's Convent on Friday.

-You are joking?

-Nope.

And no team of mine

is going to get a thrashing from a bunch of birds in penguin suits.

Chop, chop.

This sounds great!

Will you be using the 2-4-1 formation,

sir, or the classic 2-3-2?

Shut up! Get on the floor and give me 50 squat-thrusts now.

Welcome to the Pain Cave!

Come on girls!

And make us pick up dog doo.

And wear bright yellow jackets.

We look like The Hoobs.

You need to start a campaign. Get it stopped.

Bad kids being punished?

That's not a story, that's what detention is for.

-What?

-It's your front page right there.

They obviously don't know the first thing about news.

Er, hello? We know loads, actually.

Yeah, like the head of French is actually a vampire.

Oh, and the dinner ladies chop up traffic wardens and put them

in the curry.

-Eleesha!

-I know, it's outrageous.

Please print something.

If I have to pick up another mouldy trainer I am going to vom.

OK. Mr Nunn wants us to do

some boring old story about a netball match.

If can you find a good angle on that,

I'll look at your litter picking story.

You want to quit netball?

What happened to hard work and team spirit?

Nailed it. Right, guys?

Evidently not if you want to give up after two days.

Please, he's making us do actual exercise!

Tough.

You're doing netball until I say different.

-But, Miss, it...

-Out!

I just don't get it,

how can that lot be such a bunch of ploppy dog-poo at netball?

It's barely even a sport!

I don't know, maybe they need a bit of leadership.

Or a coach who cares about what he's actually doing.

What would you know about it?

I played netball at school.

I'm a massive netball fan.

-HE LAUGHS

-A single man

who watches netball on his own?

Interesting.

Anyway, if you love netball so much, why don't you take over the team?

I'd love to!

I...I have to plan the Year Ten field trip.

-But Dex is free.

-Am I?

-Yes, you said you had

all that free time now that you're no longer taking detention.

Yeah, but...

Come on.

The team would really benefit from having a coach with a real

passion for the sport.

Um...

# Now this is a great test

# If I say yes to Lizzie She'd be impressed

# This could be our first little bit of common ground

# The very first thing we both love that I've found

# Imagine us staying behind after school

# Discussing all the finer points of netball - cool!

# I can become the heroic team coach

# Talking tactics with Liz We'd get close

# Win my first match in charge That's vital

# Take the trophy for the big league title

# Get the kids believing we can win this

# Next step Gold medal at the Olympics!

# All with Lizzie up in the crowd

# Waving, smiling Blowing kisses down

# Wow, it's a foolproof plan with no limits

# Only one teeny-weeny problem with it

# I

# Don't

# Know

# Anything

# About

# Netball #

# Is it the one with the ball and the net?

# I mean, that's kind of what the name suggests

# But what's the net attached to A wall or a pole?

# And what happens when you get the ball in the hole?

# Is that a goal, a score or a try?

# And how do you win? Is it first to five?

# If only I could ask Lizzie to show me!

# Does everyone have a stick Or just the goalie?

# Does he wear a mask? Should I wear a mask?

# Blast Dunno if I'm up to the task!

# I don't know the first little thing about the sport

# All I know is I have to get out of this for sure!

# Netball might be rough I'm no expert

# Gotta get away before somebody gets hurt

# If I don't, I won't know what to do

# All I'd know is that I bit off more than I can chew! #

Actually, I'm not sure.

20 quid says you can't send those nuns away

crying into their wimples.

I'm not really a betting man.

A betting man? Or a man full stop?

All right. You're on.

Result!

20 quid the wiser and I don't have to watch that lot

flub catches all day.

Nice one, Harris.

What? You're taking over Netball Club?

Yeah. Long story.

You know...

I heard the team is, like, a joke, you should probably disband it.

Can I get a lift? Vending machine ate my bus fare.

-Again!

-Eli, I was just telling Dexter he should cancel

-the netball club.

-What? Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, that'd be ace.

It's a prison with bibs on.

And now there's this match on Friday with... What?

So you want me to cancel netball to make your life easier?

Nice.

What's gotten into you all of a sudden?

Hey, Dex! Really looking forward to the match on Friday.

Ah. I see. So this is about impressing your science boo.

She's not my boo and no it isn't.

OK, good, cos we're going to get trounced.

Just chill. There's no way he's going to be any worse than Nunn,

the man's a pussycat.

WHISTLE BLOWS Right, you horrible lot!

We'll start with ten laps of the netball court,

followed by firing practice!

Do you mean shooting?

Less of your cheek.

You've just earned yourselves ten extra laps.

Move it, move it!

Now!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

How are we supposed to make a story about netball exciting?

OK. What if we do a big interview with Mr Nunn

about...his love life?

Ugh. That's, like, the grossest thing ever.

Oh, I can't feel my legs.

This is the worst week of my life, and I've been on holiday in Wales.

Netball Club, not such a great skive now, eh, boys?

Dex's taken over as coach and he's making us actually try.

He doesn't even know his goal defence from his wing attack.

An incompetent coach?

Tell us more.

Thanks for letting us interview you for the paper, sir.

No problem. The music department is an open book.

We actually want to know about netball.

What do you say to allegations you're a lying con-job with

zero sporting experience?

What? Who've you been talking to?

We ask the questions!

I'd say... You can't prove it.

Can't you just admit you're a total fraud

so we can put it in the paper and make you look like a pillock?

No!

The truth is the netball team is under a lot of pressure,

but I believe, with hard work, we can win this.

Bo-ring.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I'm surprised you're so confident, sir,

seeing as St Millicent's have won every single match

they've ever played.

They have? I mean... Pfft, I knew that.

It weren't me, so don't accuse me, you establishment flunky.

I didn't say owt! Now move!

No, what you doing? Get off it! No don't throw it, no!

No! Argh!

No-one tells me what to do.

I'll take care of this.

Let me guess. Detention?

Have you ever played netball?

Nero, Nero! Nero!

-Nero pass it!

-Throw it, you peanut! Give it here.

Mess about like that against St Millicent's and I'll thwong you.

What is going on? I thought you said

you'd rather lug junk than play catch for the man!

-So I changed my mind.

-But why?

Do I have to explain myself to you, Zero? No.

DEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Good work, team! Keep this up and we might just win!

Right, come on, guys, let's cool down.

This is a nightmare!

Guys. Just got an idea.

How about, "Team are under pressure but still stand a chance,

"claims netball coach"?

Boring!

Can't we just say he admitted to being a lying flap-gob and go home?

He didn't.

They're never going to print this.

We're going to be stuck lugging bin-liners around in Day-Glo

-bibs forever!

-Where are you going?

Home. I give up.

Fleur. Hang on!

-We're going to get caught.

-We ain't going to get caught.

If we hide the goals, we never have to play netball again.

Think about it, no hoops, no Netball Club.

What are you up to?

-COUGHING:

-Chilling and illing.

Well, stop illing and go home.

Quick, in those bushes. Go, go.

Oi! Litter doesn't pick itself up, you know!

Cheer up!

I got a surprise for you - I filed our netball story!

How? It's like the boringest thing ever.

Nice story(!)

Oh, thanks. Told you we'd nail it.

You going to print our litter-picking story or what?

Shame it's a cobbled-together confection of lies and hearsay.

"Netball Overshadowed by Cannibal Curry -

"Dinner Ladies Bake Feast of Human Flesh."

Ah, I zhushed it up a bit.

And since you changed our front page without our permission,

you're never writing for us again.

Eleesha!

Don't know why you're getting all mardy for.

I kept your name on it.

The netball goals, where are they?!

They've gone missing?

Oh, no. We're not going to be able to play.

Terrible news(!)

Spill. Or I'll wash those precious corn rows in berry smoothie.

I don't know what you're chatting about, I swear!

We ARE going to play that match.

Why's she so hyped up about some stupid netball match?

Same reason she's angry about everything, probably.

Childhood trauma, lack of supportive role models.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, come on. Lunch.

You coming to lunch, Murphy?

Or you scared a cannibal's going to eat your brains? Nom-nom-nom!

Shut up or I'll knock your eyeballs out and I'll use them as rubbers.

Fleur!

Threats are unacceptable behaviour. Here.

Eleesha did some stupid story for the school newspaper

and now everyone thinks I wrote it.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

Oh.

Well, the torment won't last.

Eventually, we'll all die and none of this will matter.

Oh, thanks, miss. Well reassuring.

Take this chap.

I'm sure he did loads of embarrassing things,

but now he's just calcium.

No pain, no suffering.

Is this helping?

Yeah... Actually, it is.

You go put your feet up and I'll tidy up in here.

GIRLS GIGGLE Look, there she is.

Fleur, I just wanted to say I'm...

I thought you wouldn't be eating in here, what, with all the cannibals

-in the kitchen...

-Your article really was quite

hilariously mistaken.

Shut it. I ain't in the mood.

Just making conversation. Pass the salt.

Although sometimes I do wonder what they put in this.

What's that?

Tooth! Tooth!

SCREAMING

One tooth. Doesn't prove anything.

Not what these guys think.

We wrote you an interesting story on netball.

And cannibals. Now pay up!

Fine, you can do the litter-picking story.

Result!

You're not really calling environmental health are you?

It's obviously a prank!

You can't be too careful when you're dealing with human remains.

-MEGAPHONE:

-'Environmental hazard. This area is out of bounds.

'Please do not use the netball courts. Environmental hazard.

'This area is out of bounds.

'Please do not use the netball courts.'

But I'm playing a netball match there in ten minutes!

Sorry, not any more. School orders.

I'm really sorry, but between the missing goals,

the teeth in the food and the lack of court,

-I think it's best that we cancel.

-What?!

No, no, no, no. We have to play this match.

Clementine?

Well, of course YOU go to this dump.

Briony.

What? You...you rolled with the nuns?

Well, yes, until she failed her exams and got kicked out.

Such a...loser!

-GIRLS LAUGH

-Yeah, but...

maybe I did that on purpose,

cos hanging out with snore-bores like you was doing my nut in.

Oh, really?

But if that's the case, then, why did you call me afterwards?

Sorry I never got back to you, by the way.

I guess I just...didn't want to.

GIRLS LAUGH

# Whoa! There ya go

# Now it all makes sense Clem was a convent girl

# And now she wants revenge

# Cos she never woulda fitted in

# With all them snobby, snotty types

# And they woulda never ever got to grips with what she's like

# No surprise she got out fast

# Cos they'd tease someone like her and treat her like an outcast

# She seems tough, difficult Even hard work

# But I know for a fact that can happen when you're hurt

# I'm still waiting to be treated like a son

# By my dad, by my mum

# I know where she's coming from

# Cos when you feel abandoned and you're out on your own

# You put on a suit of armour and act like you're not alone

# Oh, I never wanna feel like they made me feel

# Again

# Oh

# And people wonder why I can never be

# A friend

# True

# You can say I lost my trust

# Lost my faith

# But the reasons They lie deep behind my eyes

# And that's why

# So what do I do or say Cos I got my own way

# The match is off

# Netball Club might have its last day

# But now if we don't play Millicent's

# That is so whack

# Cos then Clem She won't never get her own back

# And she'll never deal with how mean they've been

# Today me and Clem are really on the same team

# I gotta get this match back on the road now

# And funnily enough I think I might know how! #

Dex, I think I might know how to get this match back on.

More evidence!

Did you find it in the kitchen?

Poor bony traffic warden.

No. I nicked it from Science.

I wanted to prove to those doorknobs that our story was actually true.

That might be tricky.

Oh...

Hi! Just working on our litter-picking story.

Don't bother, I think you've already got tomorrow's front page.

-What?!

-I'm not sure about this.

Come on, do you want to impress Lizzie or not?

Where'd you get those goals from?

The bushes. The rugby club must have hidden them.

Bunch of jokers.

Right.

Look at this now!

Isaac, stop! Watch out, you're going to put paint all over the bags!

I'm sick of this.

What are you doing? We were THIS close.

Sometimes you got to take one for the team.

Oi! Clem! The match is back on - we got your back.

-GIRLS:

-One, two, three, gooooo...

Millicent's!

Go, girls!

Think I might use that 20 quid to upgrade my Sky Sports,

which doesn't include netball.

Cos it's called Sky SPORTS

not Sky Girls' Hobbies.

This is a friendly, remember? So I want a nice clean match.

Must be so sad to end up in a dump like this.

Three.

-Still at least you're with people a bit more...

-Two.

-..on your level.

One...

-SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

-You, off!

Game's not even started yet and we've already lost our best player.

Let's just jack it in.

I admit, it's not looking good.

But...let's try and do our best.

-TEAM:

-No! No!

Oh, come on! You want them lot to walk out of here thinking

they're best just cos they sleep in a church and talk like a queen?

And know how to play netball.

So do we!

Eli, I've seen how fast you run when the lunch bell goes.

You got to move if you want crispy chips.

And, Owen, if this was a maths lesson, your hand'd be going up

like, "Whoa!"

It is an opportunity to set a good example.

We've got the skills to nail this.

So let's get back out there and trash those nuns!

Ellesmere, Ellesmere!

-TEAM: Ellesmere, Ellesmere!

-Come on!

Eli! Go on. Go. Go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm sorry they beat us.

And...

I'm sorry about what they did to you. Not cool.

They didn't beat us.

What?

Did you not just see that? They took us apart.

Oh, the game? Yeah, shame.

But I meant all that trash I collected with Mr Bell.

I hid it under the seats of their van,

it's going stink the place out for weeks.

'That's disgusting!

'It really stinks back here.

-'So gross!

-Disgusting!

-It's awful!'

Sooo sorry that netball didn't work out for you all.

Oh, faster, please.

This garbage won't pick up itself!

You know, that stunt you pulled yesterday, it was pretty cool

for a newbie.

Big talk for a two-foot-tall tiny man who got beaten by nuns.

I was just trying to be friendly.

Yeah? Make friends with this.

Oi! Stop it!

That's it, as of this moment, student litter-picking's cancelled!

-Whoo!

-THEY CHEER

But, but, but...

Who's going to clear up all this mess?

I'm sure you'll think of someone.

STUDENTS LAUGH

# Can't live with 'em And you can't kick them out

# When they're up They rub it in your face

# Kick when you're down But when no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# You see 'em every day You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss 4 o'clock. #