Hot Tub 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock. #

ENGINE CHUGS

Just try it. The smell of damp leaves, the fresh country air...

I'm not camping in your manky tent

catching croak throat, like this trash heap.

But if you don't go away this weekend, I can't take Lizzie away.

Seriously? Dex, we've been through this - camping's wack!

How do you know? You've never been!

Dexter, I've never jabbed a compass in my eye neither. No, thanks.

Nero, you're going on that camping trip.

Give it up, Dex - you ain't my dad!

You should be mowing your lawn with that.

Helpful, thanks.

I've got a mate who buys clapped-out heaps of junk, decent price.

Middleman fee for me, of course.

-I'm sure it just needs a bit of oil or something.

-Yeah.

Oh, morning, Graham! All set for the camping trip tonight?

Yeah, yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that.

Your hair is looking superb, by the way.

Oh, thank you very much.

The thing is, the footy is on tomorrow, it's a semifinal,

which, you know, as Head of Sport I really should watch -

for professional development.

-I hear what you're saying.

-Right, great.

But I think that you would develop even more by having new experiences,

like spending the weekend with our wonderful, inquisitive pupils.

HE LAUGHS Yeah, that's all great.

The thing is, I don't...want to go?

I understand.

Good.

But...the more you don't want to go, the more you should.

Feel the fear, Graham, do it anyway!

You're taking THAT camping?

Of course not! This is the Excelsior Deluxe. It would be sacrilege

-to get it muddy.

-Oh, so it doesn't fold out into a camp bed, then?

See, I feel you mocking,

but I'm the one with adjustable leather compartments, so I win.

All right, dimples?

-Where's your tent?

-Millionth time, I'm not going.

Camping is about the only thing lamer than that briefcase.

No way! Poking fires, stalking sheep,

throwing slugs at girls - it's going to be mint.

What?

See, these are our role models, yet they judge us when we fail?

I NEED salt and vinegar.

Cheese and onion?! Why?!

I thought the blue ones were salt and vinegar.

COIN CLINKS

A pound?

I'm 50p up! And I can STILL get a packet of salt and vinegar.

Hah!

Cheese and onion - again! What are you doing?!

I thought the blue ones were salt and vinegar.

Great.

Now I've got two packets of honking crisps I don't even want.

MACHINE CLUNKS

What?!

Do you think...

That every time you put in 50p, you get a pound?

This thing's a gold mine.

The hotel you reserved looks delightful.

Beach views, balcony, pool - even the hot tub looks inviting.

Yeah! Good, isn't it?

How would you like your coffee, Miss Baker?

With milk, Mr Harris.

I did worry it was a bit far,

but actually it will be lovely to spend the drive together, won't it?

Yeah, the drive...

Sugar?

Please.

The thing is, well, Nero is... and then my car might be...

but, no, it'll be fine.

Ah, Lizzie, you look like you could do with a break - tired eyes.

How about I let you take the school camping trip, leaves this afternoon?

Thank you, but I'm spending the weekend with a close friend.

What about you, Harris? You haven't got any friends.

Actually, I'm doing the same.

I mean,

not the SAME same -

something similar but completely different to Lizzie

because, you know, I mean, I might not even go.

I mean, I might have to stay at home. Who knows?

What is wrong with you?!

You're joking me.

Oi, stop scoffing crisps

and taunting people who can't have crisps of their own.

-Where did you get 'em?

-Definitely not from this machine.

This is, like, totes messing with me human rights.

Ah, what, you're going on this too?

It's too exciting. I'm trembling like jelly on a bus.

Simple pleasures of nature, innit? Can't get enough of them.

Simple pleasures of dancing, more like.

They...better not be your actual moves.

-Festival's near the campsite.

-We're sneaking out.

Great bands, street-dance stage, you should check it out.

Yeah, I think I'm in.

Oh, so camping's lame, but when Clem asks...?

Eli, stop it!

Anyway, you'd all be gutted if I didn't come along -

besides, someone got to show you how it's done, eh?

Settle down.

Look, briefcase twins!

There's nothing funny about me and Mr Bell having excellent taste.

Sir, look, identical cases.

Just put it away, Garlic, you look absolutely ludicrous.

Isaac, mate, we rarely get to chat. You and I should...

That's cos you made me run cross-country in my pants that time.

That was a laugh, weren't it? I mean, that was terrible of me,

but how about I make it up to you with a free holiday?

Oh, Graham, there you are!

All right? Just having a chat.

Aw, good news.

I've arranged for the second period to be free,

so you can do an equipment check with the pupils.

Come on, Graham, embrace the change, plunge in!

Enjoy having a weekend

that's not just about watching football in some pub.

Right, yeah!

Oh, gosh.

The benefits of this voyage of discovery just became

clear to you, didn't they?

Like a widescreen pub TV.

You what?

Shut it.

Right, you, if there's any spares, I want them back, please,

not used to make paper aeroplanes.

Yes, thank you.

-Mate, he's got, there's a...

-A what?

Right, tent inspection, next period.

Ah, Mr Nunn.

Yep. Next period, bring your gear to the field.

Will there be proper toilets?

Yeah, with mirrors and that?

I'm painting my face like a tiger.

-No, you ain't.

-Or course there'll be toilets.

There'll be Wi-Fi, pork scratchings, massive TV screens, pinball...

In the Lakes?

No, now we're camping behind the King's Head pub in Brigsbury.

THEY GRUMBLE Yeah, and it's only ten miles away so no boring coach trip,

-which is a total bonus.

-What?

BELL RINGS Right, move it, everyone.

Last one to put their tent up has to get the first round in.

Got to grab my tent, see you there, yeah?

Hey, ey, ey, no running!

He can't just move the campsite like that.

He sort of already did.

Yeah, well, I'm sort of getting it moved back.

This is total dynamite. Ding Dong wears a wig.

-No, he doesn't.

-He does - I seen his spare one in his case.

That's bonkers, even for you. Who has a spare wig, anyway?

Someone who wears a wig.

-Anyway I can prove it. Open your briefcase.

-Why?

-Cos it's not yours, I swapped them.

-What, you did what?

He didn't notice! Go on, open it.

This is stolen goods.

Fine, punk, I'll do it.

This is Mr Bell's personal property,

-and I'm going to take it back to him right now.

-Just give me the...

Oi! Martha and Arthur, tent inspection!

Now!

Imagine I'm a rabbit, I've got rabies

and I want to get in your tent.

Is it up properly? Is it?

Mrs Goodman. Hello, it's the landlady of the King's Head pub.

As you know, Mr Nunn has arranged for your school to camp

in our car park this weekend.

He ain't told you?

Awkward.

It's much easier with two hands, you know.

Do you want me to hold your case?

No, we have no right to open this.

Yeah, maybe you're right. You're right.

No, what you doing? Get off it, no!

I will look for you, I will find you,

and I will open that briefcase!

-RAPS:

-What would the Scouts or Her Majesty say

If they knew I had Mr Bell's property?

It offends all morals Defies all laws

So I must keep it out of Eli's paws

He'll stop at nothing until he finds it

I can't let that happen Just have to hide it

In my locker? He'd just break into it

He doesn't respect the rules one little bit

Hide it somewhere else He'd get a whiff of it

He'll force me to tell him where I've hidden it

I better think quick I'm getting sick of this

Since I'm a terrible liar and very ticklish

Where's Owen gone with the case?

If I can show the world that wig I'll be famous

I'd be signing copies of my book with the cover

How I Found Ding Dong's Wig Top seller, yeah

A true story

I'm doing this for the guts and the glory

Carried on the shoulder of all my supporters

While I lift the wig up like a trophy

All I hear are screams from the crowd, Mr Bell kneels down

Then I put the wig back on his head like a clown's jester hat

Yeah, I say yes to that

Now, why would Owen want to go and mess with that, eh?

I guess I'll have to skip lessons Live on my wits

And duck out between breaks for food and drinks

Bring it back to my cave and lurk in the shadows

I can't get caught by one of Eli's arrows

If I can stay safe even if I get in trouble

I can return Mr Bell's case on the double

I'll have to be careful who I trust

On the run with a case that must stay shut.

You won't survive me, you won't survive rogue Girl Guides.

Do it again. Do it better.

Graham.

I hear there's been a change of camping venue.

Yeah, the King's Head.

They've got a cracking carvery - the kids are gonna love it.

You know, journey of discovery and all that.

Unfortunately, when the parents discover that the children

aren't where we said they'd be, they are going to make a journey

to my office. So, um...

-The Lakes.

-Exactly.

Great show of initiative, though. Keep up the good work.

Hi, yeah, I'm just phoning to confirm a room booking.

Sir?

This just came off in my hand.

I don't really know what it is,

but I'm pretty sure it should be in there rather than out here.

-But you said...

-No-one likes a Debbie Downer, sir.

Just take it into a proper garage, you'll be laughing.

Couple of hundred quid should do it.

A couple of...? I just paid for a spa!

I can't afford that.

I really feel for you.

Bye.

Just wanted to check what time we ought to set off tomorrow?

-Lizzie, I need to talk to you about this weekend.

-You do?

A coffee? Yes, that would be lovely -

I'll see you in the staffroom at lunch for one.

(More private.)

Sure. I'll see you there.

That's pathetic! What you playing at, Johnson?

You're drenched! You'll die of exposure in that,

and muggins here will have to deal with the paperwork.

Stop being selfish and get yourself a proper tent,

or you're not coming, right?

BELL RINGS

Tent inspection over. Get lost.

Pleasure doing business with you.

All right, sack face, you know begging's illegal.

She's not begging, she's coin collecting.

Coin collecting! Oh, my face! That is so the sort of hideous thing

I would expect from you saddos.

You're like An-Freaks Roadshow, which is like Antiques Roadshow,

but the freaks instead of the 'tiques.

Whatever. Got any 50ps? I'll give you a good price.

I'll give you £1.05 for the both of them.

Right, them figures better be legit, otherwise I'll be giving you

so many griefs that you've got to move your kennels. Got that?

Pleasure doing business with ya.

Don't you talk to me.

It's all working just as I planned.

Yeah, if you planned to lose loads of money.

That tent is moth food. You gotta buy me

-a new one or I can't go on the trip.

-What?

-Yeah, WELL unrighteous.

But I can't afford a new tent. I've got to fix the car.

No, no, Dex, this is more important.

No, I'm taking Lizzie on a spa trip this weekend.

All right, I see - second again.

Nero!

-RAPS:

-Man, why is nothing going right?

Can something just go right for once in my life?

Everything King Midas touched turns to gold

Everything I touch just turns to mould

Or breaks or falls apart No money to fix it

And now I'm seeing a domino effect

On my relationships with Nero and Lizzie

If I don't fix the car there's no Jacuzzi

If Nero's got no tent then he'll be moody

No marshmallows on an open fire and if he can't go away

Then I can't take Lizzie away

So do I fix the car or fix the tent?

I can't afford both I've got to make amends

I'm being pulled in two directions again

# Oh, now it's looking like a miserable day

# Things shouldn't be this way Call it the anti-Midas touch

Why am I never put first?

Parents jetted to Kuwait, Aunt went

So I'm left with Dex who is supposed to keep me well-kept

But instead he'd rather keep me in this flea-bitten tent

Not on! Is this how it's going to be now?

Dex, jet-setting all around the world with Lizzie

Sitting in fancy cars sipping fizzy

Or is he going to think about me in some silly tent

With more holes in it than a crumpet

And it stinks inside like a smelly armpit

Is my life always gonna turn rubbish?

Will I always be second to someone or something?

No point in crying over spilt milk

It doesn't solve anything So I'd rather just help

There's only one thing to do

The right thing, help Nero, sell the car to buy him

Everything he needs for his camping trip

He's top priority and he's a good kid

And Lizzie will understand my position

And she'll be happy about my fair decision

Won't she...?

You all right, Miss?

What if you had a holiday,

and then you don't think the other person wants to go?

-Just dealt with exactly that.

-People changing things behind your back

and only telling you at the last minute.

You can't put up with it, Miss, or else you don't get no tiger face.

You need to sort it. Have a word.

Have a word.

Right.

Right.

How much?

That offer to help me sell my car - is that still on?

Maybe.

Even if it needs a bit of work doing?

Oh, here we go. Go on, then, what's wrong with the old girl?

Just...not working.

Not going anywhere.

Really kind of falling apart.

Look, I suspect the whole thing might be on its last legs.

To be honest, I'd be glad to see the back of it.

Stop, you're being way too technical.

Do you think your friend will buy it this afternoon?

-For a middleman fee, of course.

-Which would be...?

Enough to get one of these to watch the footie semifinal.

Ta-da!

For a festival? No way.

I'm borrowing my sister's podium shoes -

six inches to see over the crowd.

And why the dress?

Well, goes with the shoes.

-You seen Owen?

-You seen my right hook? Out!

Can you even walk in those?

Out!

Hurricane Nero.

Oh, how the wind can be cruel, Miss.

Hey, I've got to buy myself a tent.

Say I washed the cars - for a price, of course. Say...a fiver a car?

All right. Could you start with mine?

Cool, Miss.

Is this floor wonky?

Oh, no, oh...

Argh!

Ow.

Can you call Miss Goodman again, ask her to get the campsite moved

even closer to the gig?

I get it now - and you lot get this.

There's no way you're sneaking off to any gig.

Like a hawk with bifocals.

Sorry.

Are you sure you haven't seen him? He looks just like this.

Then he needs a doctor.

What's all this?!

Yeah, that'll knock a few quid off.

Just get the cash for me quickly so I can buy Nero's tent.

-RAPS:

-Dex selling his car

So I can take a trip out of the school gates into the wilderness

Got the whole crew here getting a feel of this

About time Dex put me first

I ain't a runner-up I'm only a young pup

And adults are meant to take care of kids

He can sell his car and I can get my tent to chill

And to go large and let me live

And I get to keep the money that I made from the cars

That I cleaned even though I messed them up

I still did a good job Made a few bob

And I know what to do Wish me best of luck!

# When you put two and two together

# Now I know it's now or never

# My mind is clearer

# Now I know it's now or never. #

Yeah, yeah, now watch how a REAL man drives.

STARTS ENGINE

GEARS CRUNCH

Argh, I can't see!

Argh!

So what, Dexter can't sell his car Can't buy me a tent

That's my loss but I'm still going to camp

Still gonna get the stuff that I need

With the money from the car wash, yeah

Good look, great, right

Pleasure doing business Till next time

So why do I feel weird when I'm having fun

What's Dex gonna do? With no car no cash, no holiday for Liz

She'll probably dump him in a second too

And then Dexter will be broken-hearted

Lose his job as the head of the music department

End up on the streets in a cardboard tent

All the kids from school walking past him

There's doing the fun thing and doing the right thing

And I'm not really sure which one's in

And now I'm so confused I just don't know what I'm gonna do

And now I'm so confused

I just don't know what I'm going to do.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

-Do you think your friend might...?

-Stay away from me.

Ugh, all right, mate.

Lizzie, I need to tell you something.

It's a bit difficult but, um...

You want to break up. I heard.

-What? When? But...

-Could I have your attention, everybody, please?

Um, since Mr Nunn has unfortunately injured himself,

I'll need somebody else to take the camping trip.

I'll do it.

Oh, Miss Baker, well, thank you ever so much.

I've got nothing else to do this weekend.

Oh, Dexter, I'll have a tea while you're at it. Thanks.

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, watch how a magic machine turns

these little beauties into pound coins.

Well, that's not entirely unexpected.

What's going on? This has to work.

It's a liability. It just isn't working.

That must be why I put the sign up.

But earlier I put a couple of pound coins in there and it just ate them.

Honestly, nothing works around here!

You can't even get a packet of crisps.

Interested in some crisps? All reasonable offers considered.

-HE KICKS BOX

-Ow.

Ah-ha!

THEY GRUNT

Eli, do not open that case, I implore you!

As your patrol leader and as your friend.

Soon, the mystery of the wig will be revealed to the world.

Bell's a Scout?

Hmm, let me guess, he likes cheese sandwiches as well.

Cheese - how did you know?

Cos that's my case, you Melvin.

It can't be! I-I swapped them - I did the old three-step swap.

Place case one - your case - by case two.

Look casual, swap their positions,

look casual,

take the case in the original position of case two, and...

Oh.

Maybe crime just isn't your thing.

Sir, your briefcase, yeah? It's the same as Owen's -

I think he's swapped them.

I can assure you, sir, I did no such thing.

He's denying it, so it's probably true. You should open it and check.

Wig! Wig, look!

It's not a wig!

It's a carpet sample for my living room.

It's Moroccan sunset.

My dreams are shattered.

It's not a wig.

Hey, hey, I don't want to break up with you. Why would you...?

Dexter! Please, I heard you telling Mr Nunn that our relationship

is falling apart. And you know what? I agree.

What?

No, I was talking about my car.

There was a problem with the engine and then Nunn was trying to help me

-sell it.

-Yo, Dex, look, I made a lot of money washing cars today.

Right...?

And I want you to have it, go get your heap of junk fixed, yeah?

Wow, but why?

I know you were going sell it to raise money for my tent.

-Appreciate that.

-Thank you, Nero.

I'm...so sorry.

I misunderstood.

Now we can afford the trip!

The hot tub!

Ah, I'll have to see if Mrs Goodman will let me off the camping trip.

Hey, Nurse, can you stick the footie on for us?

There's a love.

Oh, for...!

-HE SIGHS

-Wow, a whole weekend of this!

-THUNDER RUMBLES

-Great.

Shame you had to come with us, Miss.

Yes. Thank you for letting me share your tent with you.

Horrible, isn't it?

Hope we don't get washed away like that festival up the road.

Yeah.

Fingers crossed.

Snap.

You were right, this is jokes.

Beats camping, eh?

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But what no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

-# If you see 'em every day

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #