Mr Garland 4 O'Clock Club


Mr Garland

Comedy series. Owen loves wearing his granddad's coat - until he's mistaken for a teacher. Amber and Violet try to avoid the celebrations for Darnesh's birthday.


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Transcript


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# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

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# When it's just too much to handle?

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# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

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# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

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# You should stay It can change

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# There's good days and bad days

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# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

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# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

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OK, enjoy the show in London, have a good time.

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Morning team, what are we up to?

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-Taunting Owen.

-Bye, Dad!

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Oh, hey mate! Did your dad make you wear that in a bet?

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Or is it a cry for help?

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Oh, how predictable, this is a perfectly normal garment.

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Yeah, if you're George VI!

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The Queen's dad...!

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No?

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Just leave it. This is my grandad's.

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He's at some show in London with my parents tonight.

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Taking a break from that jacket?

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He said whenever he wore it, lovely ladies used to fall into his arms.

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Oh, yeah? Keeping their eyes closed so they don't have to look at it.

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Speaking of lovely ladies. Good morning, Pooky.

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Get lost, loser boy.

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Wait, so your parents are out all night?

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-Yeah.

-Cool, going to Owen's party tonight?

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Oh, good. A party.

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What a good idea.

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Woo!

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No! That was sarcasm, that was clearly sarcasm!

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Party! Party!

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Right...

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Who wants to come round mine tonight?

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Try these babies out? Yeah?

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Look! Look how much fun everyone's having.

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Look at his face!

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Hey, Harper, party around mine tonight,

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should be right up your street.

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-Why?

-Well, these. You know, the Army and all that.

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Oh, right, yeah.

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We were big on epic space-themed splat battles.

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What? How can you all say no?

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Well, like this...

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No.

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No, no, no, no. No party.

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But we have to have a party.

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You know, like a gang of friends all together.

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Yeah, come on. I'll be your best friend.

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You already are my best friend.

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Yeah, not after this, mate!

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Nice one, Woggle, way to ruin our lives.

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Hey, wait!

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# Yeah, I've had study partners

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# Been a part of reading groups

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# But I've never had real mates

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# You know, the ones that are really there for you

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# I've got mates there for me now

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# Care for me when I'm down

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# All I want to do is celebrate

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# Hang out and chill with the squad

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# When times get hard It's time to have some fun

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# I was worried with zero bond

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# The Elmsmere gang wouldn't take me on

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# But they embraced me with open arms

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# Party started, they said come along

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# But then the party's been put on hold

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# We need to get the party started, woo!

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# Got to get this party started

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# Having real mates is great

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# Got to get this party started

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# School's a joy, now we can't wait

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# Got to get this party started

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# My colleagues are a waste of space

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# I bring them super soakers

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# And no-one wants to play!

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# Yes, I've had study partners

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# Been a part of reading groups

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# But until I had a real girlfriend

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# One to hug, hold hands and smooch

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# Hanging out with the gang was cool

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# But it's brought my attention to

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# The one thing that's missing in life

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# Another half to make me whole

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# Yeah, having mates is awesome

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# And school is really rewarding

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# But it's being with your mates

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# That makes it worth getting up in the morning

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# But Owen is a killjoy artist

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# We can't do this half-hearted

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# So it's up to me, it's up to me to get this party started!

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# Got to get this party started

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# Having real mates is great

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# Got to get this party started

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# School's a joy, you know, we can't wait

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# Got to get this party started

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# My colleagues are a waste of space

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# Got to get this party started

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# And make the whole thing ace! #

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Owen, this whole party thing...

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Have you really thought about it?

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Yes, I thought about my parents

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finding out and grounding me forever.

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And I've thought about the drink rings on my coffee table.

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How it would be the perfect occasion for you to get back with Katie.

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Make her laugh,

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remind her how much fun you had together...

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OK.

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Party on...

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..dudes.

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Dearest Katie.

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I was wondering if you would like to...

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There's a stack of books in my car, go fetch them.

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Yes, sir.

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Get in, get in, get in, get in.

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But I don't want to go to a party with Katie.

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You don't have to. Katie hates Owen, right?

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So there's no way she'll actually come.

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But we still get to have the party.

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Ah-ha.

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You're like an evil genius.

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Pow, pow, pow!

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-You know, I nearly joined the Army.

-Mm-hmm?

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Yeah, they were super keen,

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but some stupid technicality kept me out.

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Our loss. Flat feet? Sinus problems?

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Excess snot, give over.

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More than four fillings?

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Yep, the fillings thing.

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I've got five, so...

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My mate had that, then he fell off his bike, knocked two teeth out.

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Problem solved.

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Lucky man.

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I could help you out, one controlled punch.

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No. I mean, that's a great idea, but my reflexes are too good,

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I couldn't just stand there and take a punch.

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Right, what about I creep up on you,

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bang!

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Before you know what's happened, bye-bye, tooth, hello, Army!

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Great.

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See you later.

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Purse, phone, keys.

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I feel like I'm forgetting something.

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LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

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Oh, no!

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The big birthday fun list.

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# Ever since we were five

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# Darnesh has had the best years of his life

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# Cos that was the birth of the BBFL

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# The Big Birthday Fun List

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# Happens without fail

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# Let me explain what the list entails

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# It's like a Darnesh wish list that came about

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# And number three on the list were the birthday fun bags

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# Number seven, run around with your underpants tied to your head

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# Now, that's what I call fun

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# On my birthday I do what I want

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# Hang with my mates on this special occasion

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# Join in my BBFL operation

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# It's the Big Birthday Fun List

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# It never gets tired, so I won't quit

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# I'll do the same list when I'm 65

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# Fun's not for birthdays It's for life

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# Number nine, run away from your shadow

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# Number 12, be the host of a game show

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# What a day to dread

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# Feel like I'm stuck in Darnesh's head

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# His strings all coming together

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# But couldn't he think of anything better?

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# Yeah, number 13 Pull a stupid face

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# When you look at a stranger on the street

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# Gonna be a great year

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# I love the surprise of it

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# And it almost feels like I'm five again

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# If the list goes wrong, I'll cry a river

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# If my friends fail me, I'll never forgive them

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# My whole world would cave in if I didn't do number six

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# What, dress like a caveman?

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# But this whole thing's humiliating

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# Feel like a baby in a big playpen

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# I say we rebel and act like grown-ups

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# Quit BBFL? Darnesh would go nuts

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# It'd be the end of the world as we know it

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# Floods, avalanches, speeding comets

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# Ever since we were five, we've been on it

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# Following the silly list, time to stop it

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# We'll have to deal with the repercussions

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# So BBFL, over and out from us. #

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Guys! Join in!

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-Um...

-Do you hear something?

-Me?

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No!

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Guys, guys!

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Guys!

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Come on, Danny, man, what is there to worry about?

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Ohh!

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Oh, no! I am so sorry!

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Oh, no, this one's really muddy.

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I'm sure it's OK. Oh, no, it isn't.

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Um... It's only Ely's, don't worry.

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Big grey dirty smears only improve what's in there.

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Thanks for being so nice, I'm Danny.

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Danny Boyd. It's my first day, as if you couldn't guess.

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Owen Garland, a regular.

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-You're kidding me?

-I wish!

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Thanks for being so nice about the books.

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So, you teach history?

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-Yes!

-Wow, you really like it.

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-What?

-You like history?

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Well, as Confucius says,

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you must study the past if you would define the future.

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So, we tell Darnesh we don't want to do his birthday list any more.

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Remember when we were seven and we missed half the list

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because his dad took us to the zoo?

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He screamed for two hours and threw a flip-flop at a gibbon.

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What, then?

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We pretend to have a fight.

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We get sent to Bell and put in isolation all day.

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Come on.

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And the text definitely said Katie was coming?

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-Yes.

-You didn't misread it?

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-No.

-It didn't actually say, "I'd rather feed my pigtails into a mincer"?

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No!

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I'll see you all in a while.

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Do you know how long we spent doing these?

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Ten minutes in the ICT suite?

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Exactly!

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Which is time now wasted,

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no-one is going to want to go to a party if Princess Nightmare Knickers

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-is going to be there.

-Don't worry, I'll sort it.

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Right, forget netball, got a new game.

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Human shield. Pay attention.

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Now I need you big strong ones to create a defensive ring around me.

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All right? Think band of steel, nothing gets past you,

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you'll die before you let it.

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-Just hit me.

-I've never been in a fight, I don't know what to do!

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Just make it up, we'll be fine!

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Take that, you twit!

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All right, give over. Come on!

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What, I put foundation on harder than that!

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Should we go to Mr Bell, sir? Tell him how violent we are?

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No, just don't do it again! Unless you see Miss Harper coming for me,

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in which case, give her everything you've got.

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Kicking, scratching, the whole works.

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Are you flipping kidding me, sir?

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Just forget about it.

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I know what this is, her sister was a teacher, innit?

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He is blatantly letting her off. That isn't fair!

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No... Shut up! Shut up!

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We need to concentrate!

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-Mr Nunn!

-No, not the face! Not the face!

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-Oh, it's you.

-You've completely lost control of these girls.

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I see I will have to enforce proper discipline and punishment.

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No, you cannot be put in isolation too.

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You're a teacher.

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Is he, though?

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I can't believe this actually worked.

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Miss Pot sent me, Sir.

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"For deliberately destroying a large blancmange."

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-Why, boy?

-Number 16, Sir.

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Sit in something wobbly.

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Shut up, sit down, never speak to me again.

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Right, I'll be returning in two minutes.

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When I do, I expect complete silence.

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Where've you been? I've had to do most of these on my own!

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That is a terrible shame.

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We're all here now, and it's the perfect room

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for number 22.

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Burping Happy Birthday?

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You ready?

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HE BURPS LOUDLY

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Come on, your turn.

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No, Darnesh. We ain't doing the BBFL this year.

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We're not little kids any more!

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It's embarrassing.

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Well, I must say I'm pleasantly surprised.

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Hi, Katie. How're you doing?

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Skip to the point.

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OK. Look, about Owen's party.

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-Yeah, I ain't going.

-But you told him...

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I lied. You never tell your ex the truth.

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Everybody knows that.

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OK, great.

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It would've just been embarrassing anyway,

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him trying to get back with you, so...

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Well, now I am going.

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-What?

-Telling Garland to shove his love up his armpit?

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I ain't missing that.

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See you there!

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Poor Owen.

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Katie's going to laugh in his little lovesick face.

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At least we'll be there for him.

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-Right?

-Watch Owen crash and burn, and hang out with nightmare Katie?

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No, thank you.

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You're right, she's a monster.

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I wonder if there's anything good on telly.

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-Wow.

-What?

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You are the spit of your dad.

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-Sorry?

-You're Mr Garland's son, right?

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Of course you are. You look just like him.

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Where did you meet my dad?

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This morning, in the car park.

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Oh, yeah, he dropped me off, yeah.

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-So what's your name, then?

-Owen.

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Owen Junior?

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Just Owen.

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-Must get confusing?

-Not really.

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Well, I should get on.

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Say hi to your dad for me.

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Will do!

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Oi! Have you seen Miss Harper?

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Anyone?

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She's behind me, isn't she?

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She's not behind me. Is she behind me?

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Where are you, where are you, where are you?

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Mr Nunn's acting odd.

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-Oh, yeah, he thinks I'm going to punch his teeth in.

-Ah...

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-You're not going to, right?

-Never say never.

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Everyone!

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I've given the matter some thought,

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and I think we should go to this gathering tonight.

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GROANING

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For professional reasons, to...

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To get to know our colleagues better.

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Colleagues like Miss Harper.

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Maddie.

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Oh, and Mr... As well.

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Oh, right, yeah, I'd love to,

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but I haven't been formally invited by the host.

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Oh, he won't care.

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He did seem very friendly this morning.

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All right, I said sorry!

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Come on, talk to me - scream!

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-Throw a flip-flop at Violet.

-Hey!

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Why does that stupid list matter, anyway?

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What's so great about the year you turned five?

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Because... Because that was the year when I met you and Violet, OK?

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All right, stop. Stop.

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We'll make it up to you.

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What's left on the list?

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Number 27.

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What is it? We'll do it.

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The big birthday fun surprise.

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OK, great.

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We'll give you the birthday-est, funnest surprise ever.

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Wow.

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Thanks, Amber!

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And how're we going to do that?

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Don't know. Something will turn up.

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Come on, come on!

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Come on, come on!

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Open!

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Hiya! See you tonight?

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OK. See you tonight!

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-Yeah.

-Most definitely!

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Yeah!

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Polly's going with him, so he isn't entirely on his own.

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Good. It is her fault, so she should sort it out.

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I do have a new party dress I want to wear, though.

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Curse my staunch moral compass!

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Owen needs us.

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OK fine, I'll come too.

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What are you doing?

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Mr Nunn's throwing a super soaker party.

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I'm just checking myself for water resistance.

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Forget that, you should be worrying about your waterlogged brain!

0:18:230:18:28

Well, I don't want to get my outfit wet.

0:18:280:18:30

What are you going as? Saddington Bear?

0:18:300:18:32

It's just a precaution.

0:18:320:18:34

Why are you going to the party, anyway?

0:18:340:18:36

You hate the other teachers almost as much as they hate you.

0:18:360:18:39

It's just...

0:18:390:18:41

-Team-building.

-Oh, no.

0:18:410:18:43

You're trying to get off with our new teacher, aren't you?

0:18:430:18:46

Miss Harper?

0:18:460:18:47

Oh, no. I'm just trying to make her feel welcome.

0:18:470:18:50

Which is why you're dressed as a colour-blind toddler, is it?

0:18:500:18:53

-Get your coat.

-You're taking me to the flat?

0:18:530:18:56

-At last!

-No, I can't leave you on your own.

0:18:560:18:59

-You'll have to come with me.

-To the party?

0:18:590:19:01

CJ, there will be people there having water fights,

0:19:010:19:04

firing pump action super soakers at each other.

0:19:040:19:07

It's not a place for children. You'll have to wait in the car.

0:19:070:19:10

Who wants to see you get turned down by your crush, anyway?

0:19:100:19:13

It's tragic.

0:19:130:19:15

I'll bring you out a lemonade.

0:19:150:19:16

Yippee!

0:19:160:19:17

So Katie knows I want her back,

0:19:260:19:27

and she's coming for the sole reason of laughing at me.

0:19:270:19:29

Yes. Sorry.

0:19:290:19:31

She wants to publicly humiliate me?

0:19:310:19:34

Well, on the bright side, no-one's actually coming,

0:19:340:19:38

because they hate Katie so much anyways.

0:19:380:19:40

So I'll be privately humiliated?

0:19:400:19:42

Actually, no, that is much better, yeah.

0:19:440:19:46

Did you really think that she'd say yes?

0:19:460:19:48

I thought there might be a tiny chance,

0:19:500:19:52

and that, even if there was a tiny chance, I had to take it.

0:19:520:19:55

Oh, Woggle.

0:19:560:19:58

The door was open, so...

0:19:590:20:01

What are you doing?!

0:20:010:20:03

Are you two going out?

0:20:030:20:05

-No.

-Please, I'm not an idiot.

0:20:050:20:08

-Well...

-Well, if I can't reject you and I can't laugh at your pain,

0:20:080:20:11

there's no point in me being here.

0:20:110:20:13

Pooky, just stay for a minute, let's talk, please.

0:20:130:20:16

Ready salted? You're such a loser.

0:20:160:20:18

Pooky, wait, wait!

0:20:180:20:21

Honestly, what do you see in that girl?

0:20:210:20:24

I don't know, but I can't let her leave like this.

0:20:240:20:26

Pooky!

0:20:270:20:29

Finally, at a party.

0:20:300:20:32

On my own, whoopee.

0:20:330:20:35

No way are a gang of older kids going to let us crash their party.

0:20:400:20:44

-Why not?

-Because we're us.

0:20:440:20:46

No-one's going to know that though,

0:20:460:20:48

because we're going to be in fancy dress!

0:20:480:20:51

Great idea! Shame it's not a fancy dress party.

0:20:510:20:55

Of course it is. Look at the jacket on the invite.

0:20:550:20:59

Course it's a fancy dress party!

0:20:590:21:01

Ah, birthday boy.

0:21:020:21:04

-Put this on.

-Of course.

0:21:040:21:05

Because you're so wise!

0:21:070:21:09

If I was so wise, I wouldn't be here.

0:21:090:21:13

Shut up, our bus is here.

0:21:130:21:15

You're here!

0:21:240:21:27

What have you done?

0:21:270:21:29

Oh, kind of made Katie think me and Owen are a couple.

0:21:290:21:33

-You what?

-But it's fine.

0:21:340:21:37

-She stormed off.

-Oh.

0:21:370:21:38

Owen, what happened?

0:21:400:21:42

I couldn't catch up with her. I came pretty close,

0:21:420:21:44

but she threw her shoe at me.

0:21:440:21:47

But on the bright side, we do seem to be having a party.

0:21:470:21:50

Small, but perfectly formed.

0:21:500:21:52

-With no Katie.

-Yeah, come on, mate.

0:21:520:21:55

I mean, it's already happening, so you may as well enjoy it, eh?

0:21:550:21:59

Yeah.

0:21:590:22:00

DOORBELL RINGS

0:22:000:22:02

Hi, Mr Garland.

0:22:040:22:06

I'm here for your party.

0:22:060:22:07

# Now I see it

0:22:090:22:10

# The terrible truth

0:22:100:22:12

# I didn't mean to lie, now what do I do?

0:22:120:22:14

# I fibbed to a teacher in front of his face

0:22:140:22:16

# He thinks I am a teacher that's been here for ages

0:22:160:22:19

# I made a mistake

0:22:190:22:21

# But who will believe

0:22:210:22:22

# I didn't plan to intentionally deceive

0:22:220:22:25

# This is a nightmare

0:22:250:22:26

# Wait till they find out

0:22:260:22:28

# I told a terrible lie

0:22:280:22:29

# Yes, I'm quite scared

0:22:290:22:30

# Elmsmere's new regime so strict it's obscene

0:22:300:22:33

# I'll be made to clean till I'm way past my teens

0:22:330:22:35

# Or expelled for good, goodbye to my dreams

0:22:350:22:38

# Dreadful truth, I've done a terrible thing

0:22:380:22:41

# I'm sorry

0:22:410:22:42

# I'm so, so sorry

0:22:420:22:44

# What will happen to me?

0:22:440:22:45

# I'm frightfully worried

0:22:450:22:47

# Terrible truth, I told a lie

0:22:470:22:48

# Terrible truth, why, Owen, why?

0:22:480:22:52

# Terrible truth, a lie's been let loose

0:22:520:22:54

# There's no turning back from the terrible truth

0:22:540:22:57

# Terrible, terrible truth

0:22:590:23:02

# It's a pretty scary deal, getting a new job

0:23:020:23:05

# Joining a new school, meeting a new mob

0:23:050:23:07

# Opening new doors, following new rules

0:23:070:23:10

# Reminds me of being a kid in a new school

0:23:100:23:13

# Hoping the kids would all think I was cool

0:23:130:23:15

# And not kick my new ball over the wall

0:23:150:23:18

# Past school I'm a young man, but I'm still panicky

0:23:180:23:20

# Hoping the teachers like the real Danny

0:23:200:23:23

# And don't gang up on me, throw my bag on the roof

0:23:230:23:26

# Then get told off for bad punctuality

0:23:260:23:28

# So far, so good

0:23:280:23:29

# Everything's mine

0:23:290:23:31

# Not for me

0:23:310:23:32

# Thanks to my hideous lie

0:23:320:23:33

# I'm filled with shame, my mates are a bad influence

0:23:330:23:37

# But this time I am to blame

0:23:370:23:38

# The terrible truth is a horrendous lie

0:23:380:23:41

# How will I fix this problem of mine? #

0:23:410:23:44

I've made Mr Boyd think I'm a teacher.

0:23:490:23:52

-Ah, that old chestnut.

-What shall I do?

0:23:520:23:54

-Tell the truth?

-What?!

0:23:540:23:57

We don't do that!

0:23:570:23:58

Tell him...he's made a mistake, this is a kids' party.

0:23:590:24:02

It's not a bad idea.

0:24:030:24:05

Yeah!

0:24:110:24:13

Wow. So this was all...

0:24:130:24:16

An unfortunate mix-up with the invites.

0:24:160:24:19

It's my son Owen who's having a party tonight.

0:24:190:24:22

Owen?

0:24:220:24:24

Yes? Oh, yes. Young Owen.

0:24:240:24:26

Can we come in?

0:24:270:24:29

More children! For the children's party.

0:24:290:24:32

Great, yes, the children's party is just through that way.

0:24:320:24:35

-Told you.

-Brilliant.

0:24:350:24:37

Thanks, Amber. I wonder what frogs eat.

0:24:370:24:40

-Hmm...

-Well, I won't keep you.

0:24:410:24:45

Right, yeah.

0:24:450:24:46

Sorry, thanks.

0:24:460:24:47

Bye.

0:24:470:24:49

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:24:530:24:56

Sorry, sorry.

0:24:580:25:00

-Could I ask a favour?

-Of course.

0:25:000:25:03

Well, I'm going to be a bit late now to the actual teachers' party,

0:25:030:25:06

and I don't want to be rude, you know, on my first day.

0:25:060:25:09

So I was just wondering, could you possibly give me a lift?

0:25:090:25:12

Dancing to music I don't like,

0:25:220:25:25

and a party in a garage where I don't know anyone.

0:25:250:25:27

Awesome!

0:25:280:25:30

But, when's the actual surprise happening?

0:25:330:25:36

You what?

0:25:370:25:39

SHOUTING

0:25:400:25:43

-Where's Miss Harper?

-She ain't coming, she said.

0:25:490:25:52

Oh, yes. I made a point of inviting her.

0:25:520:25:54

All right?

0:25:540:25:56

No. I like my teeth!

0:25:580:26:00

Hey, Graham, what's this?

0:26:040:26:06

It's your tooth.

0:26:060:26:07

Oh, no, this one doesn't have a filling.

0:26:090:26:12

Never mind. See you tomorrow!

0:26:120:26:15

Er...

0:26:380:26:40

Are we going, or...?

0:26:410:26:43

CAR ALARM BEEPS

0:26:480:26:51

Now, that was a surprise!

0:26:560:26:59

I can't wait to see how you top this next year!

0:26:590:27:02

I feel like this all happened because of me.

0:27:020:27:05

That's true.

0:27:070:27:08

It did.

0:27:080:27:10

-Nice one!

-Yeah, top night!

0:27:100:27:12

We'll do it again soon!

0:27:120:27:13

So, what's gone on here, sunshine?

0:27:160:27:19

That's Mr Garland to you, sir.

0:27:230:27:27

# Can't live with 'em

0:27:280:27:29

# And you can't kick 'em out

0:27:290:27:30

# When they're up they rub it in your face

0:27:300:27:31

# Kick you when you're down

0:27:310:27:33

# But when no-one understands them

0:27:330:27:34

# You know what they're on about

0:27:340:27:35

# Always gonna be around

0:27:350:27:36

# Gotta find a common ground

0:27:360:27:37

# If you know so much about me

0:27:370:27:40

# Where do I go from here?

0:27:400:27:42

# If you see 'em every day

0:27:420:27:43

# You can never get away

0:27:430:27:45

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #

0:27:450:27:47

Owen loves wearing his granddad's coat - until his look means he's mistaken for a teacher. And Amber and Violet try to avoid the list of stupid celebrations for Darnesh's birthday.


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