Artist All At Sea

Charlie,

did you not think the washing machine might break the dishes?

Of course! I'm not stupid!

That's why I wrapped them in this, to protect them.

The good tablecloth!

Right...that's it...

no more pocket money until all this is paid for.

But I was trying to save you some washing-up!

Inventions don't work on the first go.

It took Einstein loads of tries before he flew across the Atlantic.

Mum, can you buy me an antique ring?

No. Right...you clear out every single bit of that.

But I need it for school.

We have to bring in something interesting to talk about.

Last year, all I had was a rock shaped like a fried egg.

So humiliating! So this year...

-Find a more interesting rock!

-Grrr!

It says in my book that earth is this giant ball whizzing through space.

Who's steering it?

Well, er, no-one.

So we could crash into another planet and all die in a huge fire?

DOORBELL Each planet moves in a fixed orbit...

He won't understand that!

Say this plate is the sun and the cup is our world...

They're broken! They crashed!

Everybody, this is Mr Lyman. He wants a room for tonight.

-He's an artist.

-Oh?

We'll put you in the Hawthorn, Mr Lyman, it's our best room.

Ah, yeah... it's one of Charlie's experiments.

Turns out crockery is breakable! Who knew?

Key?

Oh...

I'm quite serious about art myself, actually, yeah.

Ceramics, you know. I do little animals.

-Actually, if you've got a minute...

-Not now, Kevin.

Charlie, would you help Mr Lyman with his things?

He's got as nice car. I think he might be a bit well-off,

so don't go bothering him with your animals.

Hannah, you could take these to school, if you like, to talk about.

Are you actually trying to ruin my life?

Be careful.

-What are they? Fields?

-Shapes, colours...

-feelings.

-No-one's going to want to buy shapes!

You've got to paint proper things.

I just did a brilliant painting of a T-rex fighting a giraffe.

I used to paint things...

..but this collection... best work I've ever done.

Pah!

Sold.

Sold. Sold.

He's quite established.

Ooh, yeah, no, yeah, great energy.

Practically leaps off the canvas, doesn't it?

I've been striving for that intensity.

Newsflash!

You've failed.

Your animals are lovely, Kevin.

But it's more of a hobby, isn't it?

Unbelievable.

I don't even know why I bother. Artists like Lyman, he's understand.

That Lyman, he can't even paint.

He can only do rectangles.

You're such an idiot!

He did that?

Mm-hm. He's quite successful, actually.

His pictures sell for about £2,000 each.

Not that that matters. It's all about the journey.

I wonder if he'd paint me like that.

Now, that'd be something to bring to school.

I don't want anyone bothering him.

If he likes it here, he'll tell his friends.

We could get lots of artists

coming out to the coast for the beautiful quality of the light.

We could get known for it.

But why would people buy rectangles?

They're easy! Anyone can do...

Mr Lyman?

Hi, Hannah. Look what I've got to be talking about in school.

It's a hatpin.

It belonged to my great-great-grandmother.

She used it to stab a highwayman who tried to rob her.

-Amazing story, isn't it?

-It's all right.

What are you bringing? You still got that fried-egg rock?

No, actually, there's a famous artist staying at our B&B,

and he's painting a portrait of me.

Oh?

Said I've got a really interesting face, actually, inspiring.

I think your thing's great too.

Really brilliant! A pin.

HE HUMS

-Oh!

-All right?

What are you doing?

Just checking for moths. Don't worry, you're all clear.

I can't believe we're doing an art project!

Yeah.

Oh, I've brought some books on seabirds, herons and terns.

I thought we could try painting some of them.

No. We're doing these.

Rectangles. An artist at the B&B does them.

Sells them for a fortune.

Copy them?

That's forgery!

A clandestine art operation! Outstanding!

-No way! I'm not doing it.

-Fine. We don't need you.

So...

..purple.

-We have to add blue and...

-Red!

-Just try a few things.

-No!

That's not purple, it's cerise,

which you get my mixing aquamarine blue and a red. Easy!

That violet's going to be more of a challenge.

Just a girl...eating an apple.

Who knows what I'm thinking?

It's a mystery.

OK.

See? Top quality rectangles! People are mad for them.

I told you, I don't sell kids' paintings ever!

Now, please...

No, no, we didn't paint these.

My Uncle Charles did. He's in the Army overseas.

He's brilliant at blowing things up.

Oh, er...

Yeah...

yeah, I see it now.

The horrors of war.

That one's called Tanks At Dawn.

It's brutally honest.

He has an...unflinching gaze.

Everyone says that.

All right, I'll try them.

I'll do a brochure, but I'll need a photograph of your uncle in uniform.

Oi!

What a stupid place for a picnic!

Brilliant!

Tampering with Army uniforms.

I'm sure this is treason.

They can still shoot you for that.

Just e-mail it and use my special undercover spy address.

johnsmith2003.

Nice!

I'll just clear off any fingerprints...

I-I mentioned my sculptures...

-I'd love to know what you think.

-Oh, there you are!

-Hey, Helen!

Would you like some coffee, Mr Lyman?

You enjoy your walk? Lovely quality of light here, isn't there?

-I hadn't noticed.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, quite inspirational for artists,

-I imagine.

-Yeah, it's been a huge influence on me.

-Anyway, if you need anything else, let me know.

-We will.

No! Helen! Helen!

-Helen!

-I told you not to bother him, didn't I?

I just want to show him my animals.

Found this in the shed.

If only it had a nice picture to go inside it.

Oh? You want me to paint you?

Really? That would be so brilliant!

Well, I'm sorry, I've moved away from portraiture.

Even if you saw someone really inspiring?

I hardly ever do!

I know about orbits now.

All of the planets go round the sun,

not each on the same road, which is called an orbit.

That's why two planets can't crash cos they're never on the same road.

Except for asteroids, huge rocks flying through space,

and they do hit planets.

-But not earth?

-Yeah! Wiped out dinosaurs,

probably wipe us out too. Anyway, night!

Can you hide these? I don't want your dad pestering Mr Lyman.

You all right?

Well, it's Lyman, you see.

-I asked if he'd paint me...

-I told you not to bother him!

He says I'm not inspiring.

That means I'm just ordinary, doesn't it?

Hannah...

..look in the mirror.

You are beautiful!

You're a knock-out.

Thanks, Mum.

It's your dad I'm worried about.

He thinks Lyman's going to take one look at those

and tell him he's a genius. Some chance!

Dad, he's such a dreamer!

He told me I could do well in my A-levels!

Hey, look at this!

Louie, what's wrong with you? Didn't you sleep?

Worried about the asteroids...

There's a fellow here looks just like your dad.

Amazing! They're like twins.

He's an artist, he's got an exhibition on.

-Captain Charles of the 4th Regiment.

-Let me see!

What are you talking about? He looks nothing like Dad!

He's got freckles, different hair...

You're right, Charlie. He's nothing like me.

He's having an exhibition.

He's allowed to share his art.

He's got a family that supports him, they like to encourage him...

Uncle Charles won't like this! He's a very private man.

-He wants me to sell his paintings, doesn't he?

-Yeah, but...

Then I need to drum up a bit of interest. That's why I bought that.

You can't put that up!

I can! I paid £60 for that! I'm putting it on the wall for you.

£300?

It's all we can manage right now.

And I wouldn't charge you for your stay.

We'd just really love to have some of your work.

I don't have time. I should get going.

Well, couldn't you just do something quick?

I'm not looking for a masterpiece.

All right, look...what if I do something and it's not signed?

Fine.

Oh, and could you not mention to Hannah about the money?

I'd really like her to think that you find her, er, inspiring.

Whatever.

Thank you so much.

Hannah, could you clear up in here, please?

OK!

What?

Well, seeing you now, I've painted worse.

You'll paint me?

-It's just an operational blip.

-Have you been listening?

It's a giant photo of his dad!

Everyone'll recognise it!

We'll be done for forgery and treason.

We'll just need to get the photo back.

That's no good. He'll just print another one.

We need to stop the exhibition.

Yeah! All right.

Thank you.

-Finally.

-You're good at sprinting, aren't you?

Me?

Why?

So you're...?

I'm sorry, what are you doing?

You know! That girl you painted, the one on the beach...

But I'm not painting her, I'm painting you.

Come on, I've only got half an hour.

You better get on with it! I'm not sure how long my hair will hold.

All right.

A skinny frappuccino, please.

Really?

I'm trying to stay healthy.

Hey! Hey! Come back here!

Come here, you...!

Drop it! Stop!

All right, ladies?

Helen, I've thought about this very carefully

and I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.

Give me my animals back.

-No.

-OK.

Then, you leave me no option. I'm going to search for them.

Mum, I saw on telly once about a war

and people were hidden underground in a place for trains.

Yeah, World War II, people hid in the London Underground.

We should hide there so we'll be safe from asteroids.

SCREAMING

Hannah?

Everything all right?

Your daughter,

I think she was expecting something a bit more conventional.

That's just...

so...

-..striking.

-Yeah.

Yeah, so immediate.

It's like a punch in the face.

Yeah...I'm quite chuffed with it, actually.

And I've signed it. You got yourself a bit of a bargain there.

It's scary.

No, Louie, no, this is art.

Anyway, I'd better get on.

It is a long drive to London.

The teeth... follow you round the room.

He went that way!

Please, Mum, take it down!

You just don't get it. Trust me, in a few years, you'll treasure it.

I hate it! I want to smash it.

Hannah, that picture is very valuable.

-You are not to touch it.

-Grr!

And Bingo was his name!

We'll lie low for a couple of days, then we'll sell them door to door.

Are you out of your mind?

Have you learnt nothing from this?

If something doesn't work the first time,

-it'll definitely work the second!

-Roger that!

You wouldn't be that stupid, would you?

Gotcha!

Er...have those pottery animals if you'd like a quick look.

I probably should finish packing.

It'll just take a minute.

Just to have a second opinion from a fellow artiste.

So...

and I want you to be brutally honest.

Er...the...

..kangaroo looks interesting.

The, er...

You mean the shepherd?

Oh? Oh, right...

Oh, I see...

-so is that the sheep?

-No, that's the Border collie.

When did you ever see a sheep wearing a collar?

I've got to be honest. I don't think they're very good.

You can't even tell what they are.

Well, I know I said be brutally honest...

-I didn't expect you to...

-It's just my opinion.

-Yeah.

-As long as you enjoy it.

-Yeah.

-That's the main thing.

-Yeah.

Calls himself an artist!

Hasn't got a clue.

That does look like a kangaroo. I'll put that...

Lyman's going to London. We'll go with him.

We'll be safe.

One day we'll come back, see if Mum's alive.

Dad, Mum won't take that horrible picture down!

Hannah, you just don't appreciate...

You're right!

-It is horrible, isn't it?

-Let's burn it!

Yes! No, no...it's art. We're not barbarians.

-Besides if we did that, Lyman would never know, would be?

-Huh?

We'll hide this in the boot of his car.

And when he gets back to London he'll find it

-and he'll know what it's like to be rejected and dismissed...

-Dad!

Hurry up.

What are you doing?

Ah... Hey!

Just helping Mr Lyman pack, you know.

Wow!

Can I have some? I'm starving.

No! It's a surprise for Mr Lyman.

The kind of nice little touch that'll make him want to come back,

him and his artist friends.

Er...

just wanted to settle up...

Oh, yes.

Thank you so much.

I've made you a little snack for the road.

Nothing fancy, just some smoked venison, artisan cheese, figs...

Thanks, but I'd better get a move on.

I've still got a few things to pack.

Don't worry, I'll eat it.

Which one's the venison? Is that the venison...

like Robin Hood...

I'm just going to pop out for a minute,

work up an appetite.

Where are the paintings? I know you took them.

I didn't, but I bet I know who did.

Generals high up in the Army.

-What?

-They want to stop my uncle from speaking out about...

the horrors of war and all that.

I want to speak to your parents.

-All right! I'll get the paintings. They're not here...

-There they are!

I wish

I had never got mixed up with you.

Wait! You can't go.

It's Mum...

..she's got a tropical disease.

I'm sorry to hear that.

We was on holiday in Africa

and she got bitten by this thing like a mongoose, except bigger.

It had germs in its teeth and now she's got a fatal illness.

-I'm sure she'll be fine.

-fatal!

She's only got a couple of months left

and she's sad because you won't eat her lovely food.

I feel awful.

Mum!

What?

Er...actually, I do have a bit of time,

and the food looks so delicious...

Yes!

So, imagine we've been caught by the police

and now they're interrogating us.

-I don't like this game.

-All right, son,

whose idea was it to copy those paintings?

His name's Charlie, he lives at Brookville B&B.

What? I haven't even started torturing you yet!

I know I'll crack! What's the point in suffering?

Quick, we need to get the paintings down to the B&B.

Hopefully we'll see you again.

I hope so.

I really do.

Bye now.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Will he ever leave?

Louie!

I want to go to London. I don't want to be squashed by the asteroid!

I'm so sorry, sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

What?

These aren't my paintings.

What? I don't understand. What?

I paint in oils, these are watercolours.

Look at the amateur brushwork!

Yeah, no...it's not your best point, is it? I did think that earlier.

He's bonkers! What's he saying?

Someone swapped all his paintings for exact copies!

-Aliens, was it?

-They're not even on canvas! They're on paper, look!

This one's on the back of a cereal box!

-What's he on about?

-Maybe it's nerves about your exhibition.

-Look, I don't want to argue with someone who's really ill...

-Ill?

Just a little fib,

because you were sad about him not eating your lovely food.

Charlie! How many times...?

What kind of people are you?

The kind that don't go around crushing other people's dreams.

Are you still going on about your rubbish animals?

Listen, mate, you don't to worry about them, but about your kids,

-cos they're out of control!

-You've got a nerve, haven't you?

-You don't know anything about our kids.

-I think you'd better leave.

Yeah, and you're rubbish! Who'd want to copy that?

That's what I said! He's bonkers!

You're right, Charlie! He is bonkers! He's the most bonkers...

You've done something, haven't you? What have you done?

Nothing! I was helping Ben with an art project

and it went a little bit wrong.

Captain!

I didn't realise you were in the country.

What...what's happening?

Sold the lot, £100 a pop.

Except the portrait, only got 20.

That's 18 months' work. What have you done?

I'm not bringing the pin to school.

I've got something way better!

What do you think?

Do you want any more of them rectangles?

Got another batch in the car.

How can this be right? Clean all the guest rooms for a week?

And for what? For trying to learn about art!

What kind of lesson's that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd