Alien All At Sea


Alien

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Transcript


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This is like torture!

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Shush!

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-It's like having your fingernails ripped out!

-With rusty pliers.

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It's only maths, and if you don't do it you've got a...98 per cent chance

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of being grounded.

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But we're kids. We should be out playing, not worrying about

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how long it'll take Farmer Jones to get to the market.

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22 minutes.

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I don't care! I hope his vegetables go rotten, and he can't sell them.

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Of course, in the future,

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kids won't have to study.

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-They won't?

-No.

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They'll just be hooked up to a supercomputer, press a few buttons,

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and whoosh - you're a maths genius.

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Outstanding!

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Of course, that's not for another 50 or 60 years.

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Except aliens. They could probably do that now.

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Yeah. It's quite possible that in some far-away galaxy...

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We should contact them, get them to turn us into maths geniuses.

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Contact them how? NASA have been trying for 50 years,

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and you know what they've got?

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-Nothing.

-They're probably doing it all wrong.

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And we're going to solve that, are we?

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Three children with no equipment - Agghh!

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-You're being negative. It's bad for morale.

-You're absolutely right.

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-I want to help in any way I can.

-Great.

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Then all we need to do is build an alien contactor machine.

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I really can't see this working.

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The nearest star's four light-years away.

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Hey, enough with the science lecture. Just get it operational.

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I'm trying. The circuitry is crude,

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but still, it should amplify the signal.

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OK. Connect the satellite dish.

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# Some boys take a beautiful girl... #

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FIZZING, THEN TV GOES DEAD

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Dad, we need a new TV.

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And if you took off in the Space Shuttle,

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guess how long it'd take to get to the nearest star.

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-A couple of weeks?

-18,000 years.

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-Boring.

-What are you doing?

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Those are my dad's onions.

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That's disgusting!

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I'm practising living off the land,

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so this week I'm going to eat everything that I capture.

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Or as we'd say, steal.

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Do you even care about basic food safety?

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What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

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Are you sure? I think botulism might make you quite a bit weaker.

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Hurry up.

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Here we go. Tune it.

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DISTORTED VOICES

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Contact! Hello, this is Charlie at Brookville B&B. Come in.

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We urgently need your help.

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Children are suffering horribly. You must come immediately.

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SIREN

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Agghh!

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Tricky. Ah, yeah, yeah...

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Looks like a blown microchip.

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Right, OK.

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Anything?

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Oh, do we have to do this every time?

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-You've never once fixed anything.

-No, no, but I have learned a lot.

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Really? Cos it seems like you always just open it up,

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and then say it's a blown microchip.

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And then you can't put it back together again.

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Relax! I could put this together with my eyes closed.

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You pop the thingummy bob on the whaddyamaflap...

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That clicks...clicks...that click, click... That is weird.

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Anyway, listen to this.

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Vienna, city break.

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Four nights, five-star hotel, 600 quid all in.

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-That's a great deal.

-Got to be paid for by Saturday.

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Let's put it on the good credit card.

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-Yeah...

-What?

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The good credit card's kind of...baaaaad.

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Maxed out?

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-On what?!

-On food.

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Shelter. The cost of getting the satellite blokes to fix the...

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What IS that thing called?

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-Where did you get that?

-Dad.

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Little treat for him.

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I love my tart. It's so beautiful.

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It's no wonder the card's maxed out.

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What'll you do with it, Louie?

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-Are you going to eat it?

-If I eat it, it'll be gone.

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And I don't want it to be gone.

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BELL

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I need a break.

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Charlie, it's for you.

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It was an accident. I was just playing.

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Children are supposed to play, aren't they?

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Not on our radio frequencies.

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-That can land you in serious trouble.

-I'm so sorry, Officer.

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We have tried to teach him.

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I've often thought a night in the cells might do him some good!

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But that's probably illegal.

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Is it...?

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And that's why the squad car was here.

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Charlie had been transmitting an SOS signal...

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on a Police channel.

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-Boys will be boys!

-They will indeed, yes.

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You try your best to be a good parent, but, uh...

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Yes. Maybe I could see the room?

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Oh, yes, I'll get your key.

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Hi. Yeah, just got here.

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No, I'm meeting him later.

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Yes. Some of their guys are struggling with the maths.

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No, I'll download it. They'll be up to speed by the morning.

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OK, bye.

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Ah. You must be Charlie.

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Who was calling for help on the radio.

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-When did you get here?

-Just now.

-This is amazing.

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You're just like us. Some kind of suit, is it?

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-What?

-Just act normal.

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-This is a new guest.

-Yes, I know.

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This is Mr Atkinson. He's here for a business convention.

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-His company makes...

-Oh, air compressors.

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Oh, right. Nice one.

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Come on, make yourself useful. Show Mr Atkinson to the Mulberry.

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-That's our best suite.

-Oh, thank you.

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That's the bed. It's for sleeping on.

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OK.

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And that's the telly. You see people on it, but they're not real.

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You don't say?

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Come here.

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And that's the bath. It's handy for washing and that.

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-Do you wash?

-No, I just usually rub myself down with lots of sand.

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Really?! That's amazing!

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This is the toilet.

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For number two you sit, and that paper -

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OK! Thank you very much.

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I think you should probably go now, but thank you.

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Is that the supercomputer? Are you going to hook me up?

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No. I'm just going to get settled in,

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and then I'm going to go for a stroll, OK?

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-So, later then?

-Later.

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This is good, isn't it?

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Oh, the TV's fixed.

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Hey, we're watching that!

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Louie, that's a fruit tart. It can't watch TV.

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-It can!

-No, it can't. It hasn't got eyes.

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You're horrible. We don't like you.

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That's exactly what I'm saying.

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It's here. The alien's here!

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That's impossible. There's no way on our first attempt -

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I'm telling you. It's got a secret computer,

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and it knew all about us calling.

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AND it washes in sand.

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Astounding.

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Where did you get all that?

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They left a window open at the retirement home.

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Some old people are actually quite good at fighting.

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Even if an alien did hear us, why would it come?

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To help us.

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You seriously think advanced beings would travel vast distances

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to help YOU dodge maths?

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Not me. All kids. We'll be heroes.

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Not if they've come to take over the world.

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And I'm the one who brought it here.

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Humans'll hate me.

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The thing is, the alien's really grumpy, so we'd better be nice to it.

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Nice milky brew.

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I don't know why you fixed the TV. Should've just got a new one.

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Oh, he didn't fix it. He broke it some more,

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and the satellite man fixed it at great expense.

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-OK.

-Not that you're bothered about money.

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Your lovely new jacket you love so much I've just found on the floor.

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I didn't drop it! I can't believe you just assume it was me.

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Hello.

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I've been for a stroll.

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-Nice little spot, this.

-Yeah, we're very fond of it.

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I think my colleagues would like it too.

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There's another three coming down for the convention, and I was wondering,

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do you think you might be able to squeeze them in?

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For four nights from tomorrow.

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-Um...

-Oh, yeah, yeah, we'd love to help, of course.

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-Excellent.

-And how about you? Do you need anything?

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I'm fine, thank you. Just going to have a little read of the paper.

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Perfect, yeah. Having a relax, but still keeping an eye on things.

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I'll just...

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Three for four nights. That's... That's... That's...

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That's enough to go to Vienna!

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We're going to Vienna! Yes!

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-Me and your dad are.

-What?!

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You can't just go off on holiday and leave us.

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That's like mental cruelty.

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-We'll get your Auntie Bea to stay.

-No way!

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She's super-strict, and she forces me to eat vegetables.

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What do you think? We're like cats, you can just run off and leave us?

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Hannah, it's a long weekend, and we need it.

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She'll get over it.

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BANGING

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Eventually.

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We're going to Vienna!

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BOTH CHANT: We're going to Vienna!

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It washes in sand, so we'll take it some.

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-Make it feel at home.

-Good idea.

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If we can keep it happy, it mightn't kill us.

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They probably want a few humans for their zoo.

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It's not here to destroy the human race.

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Still, no harm keeping in its good books.

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Faster! Go faster.

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-What's taking so long?

-These kids!

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They've had no training. They're weak.

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Excuse me. I want to go now.

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Fall in. Back in the line.

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Useless. Would have been faster doing it ourselves.

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I did actually say that.

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Hey!

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-Parents! Better pull out!

-Just doing activities with them!

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Like you should be!

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That's the lot. He's going to be dead chuffed when he wakes up.

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He looks just like an ordinary bloke.

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Of course he does. He's wearing a human suit.

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-He's waking.

-Have a nice rest, did you?

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GASPS

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-What is it?

-Don't worry. You're on Earth, remember?

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I'm Ben, sir.

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I built the communicator. I just want you to know you can rely on me.

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-What are you doing in my room?

-Just making it comfy.

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-We put some nice sand in the bath.

-OK, out!

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But we need to do the supercomputer link-up soon.

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-We've got a maths test.

-Look, will you please get out of my room?

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Bye-bye. Thank you.

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I'll tell you why it won't help us - cos Ben's right.

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It must be here to take over the Earth.

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I knew it! And now we've made it angry.

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OK, so it's down to us.

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-Ben brought it here.

-Don't say that. It wasn't my idea.

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So we need to stop it. I say we fight.

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Are you out of your mind?!

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That thing we thought was a super-computer

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is probably some kind of deadly ray gun.

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I'll have to tell Mum and Dad.

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I can't leave them living with a dangerous alien.

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-It's true - he's an alien!

-Quiet.

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Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.

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It's true. He's going to give Mum enough money to abandon us.

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And he's not happy about you going in his room.

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-But he is -

-Shush!

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-Can I just ask one question? One tiny...

-What?

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If he's not an alien, how come he asked me to put sand in his bath?

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What?!

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You're such a freak.

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-I'm so sorry about this.

-That's OK.

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It's very nice of you to be so understanding.

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Is there anything I can get you? A cup of tea?

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-A bun?

-I'm fine, thanks.

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If you think of anything, anything at all, don't hesitate.

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What are you doing here?

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Why are you being so nice to him? You're never nice to humans.

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I told you - Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.

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And why do you keep saying that? Why is he important? Why?

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-What?

-Nothing. I'm just going to go to my room.

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Good idea.

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Unbelievable, isn't it? Swanning off to Vienna, leaving her kids.

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I know it must be illegal for people to leave their kids with a horrible aunt.

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What?

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Worse than I thought. The alien's brainwashed Mum!

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I've got to go.

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Whatever's wrong with you, I think it's quite serious.

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I'm telling you - she's been running round like its slave.

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Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me do this, let me do that.

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Hello! She's only being nice to him

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-because she wants to go on a holid...ay...

-What?!

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I've just remembered - I did notice something odd earlier.

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I heard her calling him master.

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See?! Why would she say that if she hadn't been brainwashed?

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So he really is an alien! Oh, Charlie, what are we going to do?

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We need some proof, so I was thinking -

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what if I got his disguise off?

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That's a really good idea.

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HE SNORES

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Agghhh!

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Agghhhh!

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-What do you think you're doing?!

-Nothing.

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I just wanted to see what you looked like underneath.

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-What's happening? Charlie!

-He just attacked me!

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I didn't attack it. I was just trying to get its disguise off.

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Awfully sorry.

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Would you like a newspaper in the morning?

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-No.

-OK.

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This is a dream.

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GROANS

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I just don't understand it.

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I tell you that Mr Atkinson is an important guest, and what do you do?

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You attack him.

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You're right, Mum. I'm sorry.

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Don't listen. She's been got at.

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If I have to listen to any more of this... I don't... I don't...

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You go up, love. Me and Charlie will straighten this out.

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Well, I hope so, because if not,

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we're going to have to do something drastic.

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Chain him to the bed.

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OK, Dad, we don't have long.

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-It's Mum. She's been brainwashed.

-Charlie...

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VOICE ECHOES

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You have to understand

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that Mr Atkinson is a very, very important guest.

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-Oh.

-And if he likes it here, he's going to bring his friends.

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-OK?

-Yeah...

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Thanks for explaining, Dad.

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-I understand now.

-Excellent.

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Don't leave me hanging.

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There we go.

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Good chat with Charlie.

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-I think I really got through to him.

-Well, I hope so.

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Cos Mr Atkinson was really fed up.

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Yeah. No, I think I've got a bit of a knack for it, you know?

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It's all about talking to the kid as if he's a normal person.

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I mean, what if he decides to leave in the morning?

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-That's the end of Vienna.

-Listening. Listening is important.

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Right. So what did I just say?

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Something about jam.

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Mr Atkinson! We're going to have to go all-out in the morning.

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Yes, yes, yes. Obviously, I've got that yoga class first thing.

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Which I'm not going to go to. So, yes.

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Yes.

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Come to me, my precious...

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Mmm.

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SCREAMING

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No!

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It's all right. You're safe now.

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It was just a bad dream.

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Sleep well?

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Look, I just wanted to say how sorry we are about last night.

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Yes, not the sort of thing you expect.

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I'm here on business. I need my sleep.

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Absolutely, absolutely.

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I've had a long chat with Charlie, and he feels just awful about it.

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Here we are.

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The muffins and the bread, all organic.

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From a bakery in Bridlington.

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-I was up at the crack of dawn getting them.

-Not that we mind, no.

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-It's a pleasure.

-And all locally sourced here too.

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The sausages even come with a little bio of the pig.

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He was called Horace.

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Mm. Oh, delicious!

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Horace must have been a well-adjusted pig.

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BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

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-That is a zinger.

-We are so sorry about last night.

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-I've done that bit.

-Yeah, well, I'm doing it now, all right?

0:19:170:19:20

-We're very, very sorry.

-It's fine. These things happen.

0:19:200:19:23

Oh, thank you so much. You're so, so kind.

0:19:230:19:27

You are a kind man.

0:19:270:19:29

To be honest, I was going to leave this morning.

0:19:290:19:31

I was going to find somewhere else for my colleagues to stay.

0:19:310:19:34

But, well, it is a nice spot, and this breakfast is exceptional.

0:19:350:19:40

Oh!

0:19:400:19:42

Thank you so much.

0:19:430:19:45

You won't regret it.

0:19:450:19:47

It's fine, really.

0:19:470:19:49

Oh, I'm sorry!

0:19:490:19:51

-Sorry.

-Enjoy!

0:19:510:19:54

Sorry about everything.

0:19:540:19:56

Need anything else?

0:20:070:20:09

No.

0:20:090:20:11

Good.

0:20:110:20:13

BOTH HUM BLUE DANUBE

0:20:180:20:20

-What's up with you?

-Mr Atkinson has decided to stay.

0:20:230:20:26

-Vienna's back on!

-So that's why you're celebrating?

0:20:260:20:29

Because you're running away from your children,

0:20:290:20:31

and leaving them with someone who's mentally unstable?

0:20:310:20:34

-Yes!

-No, no, no. Your Auntie Bea's not mentally unstable.

0:20:340:20:38

She makes me go to bed at nine. Call that normal, do you?

0:20:380:20:41

-All right?

-Oh, I forgot about this. Pear and ginger chutney.

0:20:430:20:46

-Bet Mr Atkinson'd like some.

-Good idea.

0:20:460:20:49

I've got my homemade marmalade here. Let's give him a choice.

0:20:490:20:52

You see that? Dad's been brainwashed too.

0:20:540:20:57

They're like slaves.

0:20:580:21:00

It's good to keep the Master happy.

0:21:000:21:02

Hannah?

0:21:020:21:04

Charlie, it's taken over my mind! I can't get rid of it!

0:21:040:21:06

Don't worry, Hannah, I'll save you.

0:21:060:21:08

Save me...?

0:21:080:21:10

No, I'm happy with the Master.

0:21:100:21:12

Very, very happy.

0:21:120:21:15

So, let me get this straight.

0:21:220:21:24

This helmet's to save us from the alien's mind control?

0:21:240:21:26

Yeah, and it must be working, cos look - I'm still normal.

0:21:260:21:30

That's one point of view.

0:21:300:21:32

So, we've all got to wear them.

0:21:320:21:35

This is ridiculous. Even if the alien is doing mind control

0:21:370:21:41

why would you think a tin foil hat -

0:21:410:21:43

If you don't put it on, we can't trust you.

0:21:430:21:45

That's right. You could be taken over any second.

0:21:450:21:48

You could be taken over already.

0:21:480:21:50

Maybe that's why he doesn't want to put it on.

0:21:500:21:52

Maybe he doesn't want to be separated from his alien master.

0:21:530:21:57

OK, OK! See? I'm part of Team Earthling.

0:21:570:22:01

-So everyone's clear on the plan?

-Roger that.

0:22:010:22:03

There's three of them. Must be part of a special forces recon.

0:22:090:22:13

If you need any more cakes or tea, just let me know, won't you?

0:22:130:22:17

Being their servant... If that's just making them tea and stuff,

0:22:170:22:21

that's not so bad, is it?

0:22:210:22:23

Death before surrender, got it?

0:22:240:22:26

I understand.

0:22:260:22:28

-OK, phase one.

-To neutralise the human puppets.

0:22:280:22:31

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:22:360:22:38

What?

0:22:380:22:40

My jacket...

0:22:460:22:48

You better not have...

0:22:480:22:50

SCREAMING

0:23:030:23:05

Everything OK? We heard a scream.

0:23:080:23:10

I think it was a seagull. Cupcake?

0:23:100:23:12

What's going on?

0:23:180:23:20

-Charlie!

-Oh, no, no. We don't know...

0:23:210:23:24

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

0:23:250:23:27

Charlie?

0:23:270:23:29

Charlie!

0:23:290:23:30

If your eyes still work, read this.

0:23:300:23:32

"You have been taken over by aliens.

0:23:350:23:38

I will save you, but please put on the tin foil hats."

0:23:380:23:42

They must be the tin foil hats.

0:23:450:23:47

Not that that's relevant.

0:23:480:23:50

Charlie, open this door now.

0:23:510:23:54

I can't. Not until you're all wearing the hats.

0:23:540:23:56

-I'm so going to get you for this.

-How are we getting on?

0:23:560:24:00

-What are you doing?!

-You want to get out of here, don't you?

0:24:000:24:03

-You too, Mum, and Hannah.

-You're such a freak.

0:24:030:24:06

This is not a good moment.

0:24:090:24:11

Charlie, I'm being deadly serious now.

0:24:130:24:17

-Open this door!

-In a minute.

0:24:170:24:19

I'm just going to go and get rid of the aliens.

0:24:190:24:21

Charlie, no. We will stop your pocket money forever...FOREVER.

0:24:210:24:25

It's OK, Mum, you're not real. You're just an alien puppet.

0:24:250:24:29

Now, I'm going to set the fire alarm off,

0:24:290:24:31

-but don't worry - there's no fire.

-Charlie, don't you dare!

0:24:310:24:35

I'll come back and let you out once I've got rid of them.

0:24:350:24:37

I'm so sorry, Mrs Enright.

0:24:390:24:41

I'm sure we'll laugh about this over a cup of tea.

0:24:410:24:43

Ben, Ben, open the door, Ben.

0:24:430:24:45

-Time for phase two.

-Get the aliens out of the house.

0:24:450:24:50

-Charlie!

-Charlie?

0:24:510:24:53

ALARM RINGS

0:24:530:24:55

Masters, please, we have to go!

0:24:550:24:57

Chop chop! It's a fire!

0:24:580:25:00

Hurry up!

0:25:000:25:02

Quick!

0:25:030:25:05

Wait here. I'll save your weapons.

0:25:060:25:08

No, I don't think you should go back in.

0:25:080:25:10

Don't worry, I'll save you.

0:25:170:25:19

No!

0:25:380:25:40

No!

0:25:410:25:43

Definitely looks like this is their main weapon.

0:25:430:25:46

Oi? Aliens?

0:25:490:25:51

Thought you'd zap the human race with this, did you?

0:25:510:25:54

No, the prototype...

0:25:540:25:56

Stop it! Stop that!

0:25:580:26:00

No, because guess what? You can't control me!

0:26:000:26:04

Please! Stop, please!

0:26:040:26:07

Go back to your own planet, and leave us alone.

0:26:070:26:10

We did it. We saved humanity.

0:26:110:26:13

ALL CHEER

0:26:150:26:17

Oh, no.

0:26:210:26:23

What?

0:26:240:26:26

READS LABEL

0:26:320:26:34

Leeds.

0:26:360:26:38

But how could aliens go to Leeds and get...

0:26:400:26:43

Oh...

0:26:460:26:48

-Charlie!

-Open the door!

0:26:480:26:50

SIREN

0:26:510:26:53

Run!

0:26:550:26:57

It's gone a little bit wrong!

0:26:580:27:00

How can this be right? Doing all the shopping for a month, and for what?

0:27:070:27:10

For proving I'm loyal to humanity.

0:27:100:27:13

What kind of lesson's that for a child? It's a travesty of justice.

0:27:130:27:17

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:190:27:21

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