Alien All At Sea

This is like torture!

Shush!

-It's like having your fingernails ripped out!

-With rusty pliers.

It's only maths, and if you don't do it you've got a...98 per cent chance

of being grounded.

But we're kids. We should be out playing, not worrying about

how long it'll take Farmer Jones to get to the market.

22 minutes.

I don't care! I hope his vegetables go rotten, and he can't sell them.

Of course, in the future,

kids won't have to study.

-They won't?

-No.

They'll just be hooked up to a supercomputer, press a few buttons,

and whoosh - you're a maths genius.

Outstanding!

Of course, that's not for another 50 or 60 years.

Except aliens. They could probably do that now.

Yeah. It's quite possible that in some far-away galaxy...

We should contact them, get them to turn us into maths geniuses.

Contact them how? NASA have been trying for 50 years,

and you know what they've got?

-Nothing.

-They're probably doing it all wrong.

And we're going to solve that, are we?

Three children with no equipment - Agghh!

-You're being negative. It's bad for morale.

-You're absolutely right.

-I want to help in any way I can.

-Great.

Then all we need to do is build an alien contactor machine.

I really can't see this working.

The nearest star's four light-years away.

Hey, enough with the science lecture. Just get it operational.

I'm trying. The circuitry is crude,

but still, it should amplify the signal.

OK. Connect the satellite dish.

# Some boys take a beautiful girl... #

FIZZING, THEN TV GOES DEAD

Dad, we need a new TV.

And if you took off in the Space Shuttle,

guess how long it'd take to get to the nearest star.

-A couple of weeks?

-18,000 years.

-Boring.

-What are you doing?

Those are my dad's onions.

That's disgusting!

I'm practising living off the land,

so this week I'm going to eat everything that I capture.

Or as we'd say, steal.

Do you even care about basic food safety?

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Are you sure? I think botulism might make you quite a bit weaker.

Hurry up.

Here we go. Tune it.

DISTORTED VOICES

Contact! Hello, this is Charlie at Brookville B&B. Come in.

We urgently need your help.

Children are suffering horribly. You must come immediately.

SIREN

Agghh!

Tricky. Ah, yeah, yeah...

Looks like a blown microchip.

Right, OK.

Anything?

Oh, do we have to do this every time?

-You've never once fixed anything.

-No, no, but I have learned a lot.

Really? Cos it seems like you always just open it up,

and then say it's a blown microchip.

And then you can't put it back together again.

Relax! I could put this together with my eyes closed.

You pop the thingummy bob on the whaddyamaflap...

That clicks...clicks...that click, click... That is weird.

Anyway, listen to this.

Vienna, city break.

Four nights, five-star hotel, 600 quid all in.

-That's a great deal.

-Got to be paid for by Saturday.

Let's put it on the good credit card.

-Yeah...

-What?

The good credit card's kind of...baaaaad.

Maxed out?

-On what?!

-On food.

Shelter. The cost of getting the satellite blokes to fix the...

What IS that thing called?

-Where did you get that?

-Dad.

Little treat for him.

I love my tart. It's so beautiful.

It's no wonder the card's maxed out.

What'll you do with it, Louie?

-Are you going to eat it?

-If I eat it, it'll be gone.

And I don't want it to be gone.

BELL

I need a break.

Charlie, it's for you.

It was an accident. I was just playing.

Children are supposed to play, aren't they?

Not on our radio frequencies.

-That can land you in serious trouble.

-I'm so sorry, Officer.

We have tried to teach him.

I've often thought a night in the cells might do him some good!

But that's probably illegal.

Is it...?

And that's why the squad car was here.

Charlie had been transmitting an SOS signal...

on a Police channel.

-Boys will be boys!

-They will indeed, yes.

You try your best to be a good parent, but, uh...

Yes. Maybe I could see the room?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, yes, I'll get your key.

Hi. Yeah, just got here.

No, I'm meeting him later.

Yes. Some of their guys are struggling with the maths.

No, I'll download it. They'll be up to speed by the morning.

OK, bye.

Ah. You must be Charlie.

Who was calling for help on the radio.

-When did you get here?

-Just now.

-This is amazing.

You're just like us. Some kind of suit, is it?

-What?

-Just act normal.

-This is a new guest.

-Yes, I know.

This is Mr Atkinson. He's here for a business convention.

-His company makes...

-Oh, air compressors.

Oh, right. Nice one.

Come on, make yourself useful. Show Mr Atkinson to the Mulberry.

-That's our best suite.

-Oh, thank you.

That's the bed. It's for sleeping on.

OK.

And that's the telly. You see people on it, but they're not real.

You don't say?

Come here.

And that's the bath. It's handy for washing and that.

-Do you wash?

-No, I just usually rub myself down with lots of sand.

Really?! That's amazing!

This is the toilet.

For number two you sit, and that paper -

OK! Thank you very much.

I think you should probably go now, but thank you.

Is that the supercomputer? Are you going to hook me up?

No. I'm just going to get settled in,

and then I'm going to go for a stroll, OK?

-So, later then?

-Later.

This is good, isn't it?

Oh, the TV's fixed.

Hey, we're watching that!

Louie, that's a fruit tart. It can't watch TV.

-It can!

-No, it can't. It hasn't got eyes.

You're horrible. We don't like you.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

It's here. The alien's here!

That's impossible. There's no way on our first attempt -

I'm telling you. It's got a secret computer,

and it knew all about us calling.

AND it washes in sand.

Astounding.

Where did you get all that?

They left a window open at the retirement home.

Some old people are actually quite good at fighting.

Even if an alien did hear us, why would it come?

To help us.

You seriously think advanced beings would travel vast distances

to help YOU dodge maths?

Not me. All kids. We'll be heroes.

Not if they've come to take over the world.

And I'm the one who brought it here.

Humans'll hate me.

The thing is, the alien's really grumpy, so we'd better be nice to it.

Nice milky brew.

I don't know why you fixed the TV. Should've just got a new one.

Oh, he didn't fix it. He broke it some more,

and the satellite man fixed it at great expense.

-OK.

-Not that you're bothered about money.

Your lovely new jacket you love so much I've just found on the floor.

I didn't drop it! I can't believe you just assume it was me.

Hello.

I've been for a stroll.

-Nice little spot, this.

-Yeah, we're very fond of it.

I think my colleagues would like it too.

There's another three coming down for the convention, and I was wondering,

do you think you might be able to squeeze them in?

For four nights from tomorrow.

-Um...

-Oh, yeah, yeah, we'd love to help, of course.

-Excellent.

-And how about you? Do you need anything?

I'm fine, thank you. Just going to have a little read of the paper.

Perfect, yeah. Having a relax, but still keeping an eye on things.

I'll just...

Three for four nights. That's... That's... That's...

That's enough to go to Vienna!

We're going to Vienna! Yes!

-Me and your dad are.

-What?!

You can't just go off on holiday and leave us.

That's like mental cruelty.

-We'll get your Auntie Bea to stay.

-No way!

She's super-strict, and she forces me to eat vegetables.

What do you think? We're like cats, you can just run off and leave us?

Hannah, it's a long weekend, and we need it.

She'll get over it.

BANGING

Eventually.

We're going to Vienna!

BOTH CHANT: We're going to Vienna!

It washes in sand, so we'll take it some.

-Make it feel at home.

-Good idea.

If we can keep it happy, it mightn't kill us.

They probably want a few humans for their zoo.

It's not here to destroy the human race.

Still, no harm keeping in its good books.

Faster! Go faster.

-What's taking so long?

-These kids!

They've had no training. They're weak.

Excuse me. I want to go now.

Fall in. Back in the line.

Useless. Would have been faster doing it ourselves.

I did actually say that.

Hey!

-Parents! Better pull out!

-Just doing activities with them!

Like you should be!

That's the lot. He's going to be dead chuffed when he wakes up.

He looks just like an ordinary bloke.

Of course he does. He's wearing a human suit.

-He's waking.

-Have a nice rest, did you?

GASPS

-What is it?

-Don't worry. You're on Earth, remember?

I'm Ben, sir.

I built the communicator. I just want you to know you can rely on me.

-What are you doing in my room?

-Just making it comfy.

-We put some nice sand in the bath.

-OK, out!

But we need to do the supercomputer link-up soon.

-We've got a maths test.

-Look, will you please get out of my room?

Bye-bye. Thank you.

I'll tell you why it won't help us - cos Ben's right.

It must be here to take over the Earth.

I knew it! And now we've made it angry.

OK, so it's down to us.

-Ben brought it here.

-Don't say that. It wasn't my idea.

So we need to stop it. I say we fight.

Are you out of your mind?!

That thing we thought was a super-computer

is probably some kind of deadly ray gun.

I'll have to tell Mum and Dad.

I can't leave them living with a dangerous alien.

-It's true - he's an alien!

-Quiet.

Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.

It's true. He's going to give Mum enough money to abandon us.

And he's not happy about you going in his room.

-But he is -

-Shush!

-Can I just ask one question? One tiny...

-What?

If he's not an alien, how come he asked me to put sand in his bath?

What?!

You're such a freak.

-I'm so sorry about this.

-That's OK.

It's very nice of you to be so understanding.

Is there anything I can get you? A cup of tea?

-A bun?

-I'm fine, thanks.

If you think of anything, anything at all, don't hesitate.

What are you doing here?

Why are you being so nice to him? You're never nice to humans.

I told you - Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.

And why do you keep saying that? Why is he important? Why?

-What?

-Nothing. I'm just going to go to my room.

Good idea.

Unbelievable, isn't it? Swanning off to Vienna, leaving her kids.

I know it must be illegal for people to leave their kids with a horrible aunt.

What?

Worse than I thought. The alien's brainwashed Mum!

I've got to go.

Whatever's wrong with you, I think it's quite serious.

I'm telling you - she's been running round like its slave.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me do this, let me do that.

Hello! She's only being nice to him

-because she wants to go on a holid...ay...

-What?!

I've just remembered - I did notice something odd earlier.

I heard her calling him master.

See?! Why would she say that if she hadn't been brainwashed?

So he really is an alien! Oh, Charlie, what are we going to do?

We need some proof, so I was thinking -

what if I got his disguise off?

That's a really good idea.

HE SNORES

Agghhh!

Agghhhh!

-What do you think you're doing?!

-Nothing.

I just wanted to see what you looked like underneath.

-What's happening? Charlie!

-He just attacked me!

I didn't attack it. I was just trying to get its disguise off.

Awfully sorry.

Would you like a newspaper in the morning?

-No.

-OK.

This is a dream.

GROANS

I just don't understand it.

I tell you that Mr Atkinson is an important guest, and what do you do?

You attack him.

You're right, Mum. I'm sorry.

Don't listen. She's been got at.

If I have to listen to any more of this... I don't... I don't...

You go up, love. Me and Charlie will straighten this out.

Well, I hope so, because if not,

we're going to have to do something drastic.

Chain him to the bed.

OK, Dad, we don't have long.

-It's Mum. She's been brainwashed.

-Charlie...

VOICE ECHOES

You have to understand

that Mr Atkinson is a very, very important guest.

-Oh.

-And if he likes it here, he's going to bring his friends.

-OK?

-Yeah...

Thanks for explaining, Dad.

-I understand now.

-Excellent.

Don't leave me hanging.

There we go.

Good chat with Charlie.

-I think I really got through to him.

-Well, I hope so.

Cos Mr Atkinson was really fed up.

Yeah. No, I think I've got a bit of a knack for it, you know?

It's all about talking to the kid as if he's a normal person.

I mean, what if he decides to leave in the morning?

-That's the end of Vienna.

-Listening. Listening is important.

Right. So what did I just say?

Something about jam.

Mr Atkinson! We're going to have to go all-out in the morning.

Yes, yes, yes. Obviously, I've got that yoga class first thing.

Which I'm not going to go to. So, yes.

Yes.

Come to me, my precious...

Mmm.

SCREAMING

No!

It's all right. You're safe now.

It was just a bad dream.

Sleep well?

Look, I just wanted to say how sorry we are about last night.

Yes, not the sort of thing you expect.

I'm here on business. I need my sleep.

Absolutely, absolutely.

I've had a long chat with Charlie, and he feels just awful about it.

Here we are.

The muffins and the bread, all organic.

From a bakery in Bridlington.

-I was up at the crack of dawn getting them.

-Not that we mind, no.

-It's a pleasure.

-And all locally sourced here too.

The sausages even come with a little bio of the pig.

He was called Horace.

Mm. Oh, delicious!

Horace must have been a well-adjusted pig.

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

-That is a zinger.

-We are so sorry about last night.

-I've done that bit.

-Yeah, well, I'm doing it now, all right?

-We're very, very sorry.

-It's fine. These things happen.

Oh, thank you so much. You're so, so kind.

You are a kind man.

To be honest, I was going to leave this morning.

I was going to find somewhere else for my colleagues to stay.

But, well, it is a nice spot, and this breakfast is exceptional.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

You won't regret it.

It's fine, really.

Oh, I'm sorry!

-Sorry.

-Enjoy!

Sorry about everything.

Need anything else?

No.

Good.

BOTH HUM BLUE DANUBE

-What's up with you?

-Mr Atkinson has decided to stay.

-Vienna's back on!

-So that's why you're celebrating?

Because you're running away from your children,

and leaving them with someone who's mentally unstable?

-Yes!

-No, no, no. Your Auntie Bea's not mentally unstable.

She makes me go to bed at nine. Call that normal, do you?

-All right?

-Oh, I forgot about this. Pear and ginger chutney.

-Bet Mr Atkinson'd like some.

-Good idea.

I've got my homemade marmalade here. Let's give him a choice.

You see that? Dad's been brainwashed too.

They're like slaves.

It's good to keep the Master happy.

Hannah?

Charlie, it's taken over my mind! I can't get rid of it!

Don't worry, Hannah, I'll save you.

Save me...?

No, I'm happy with the Master.

Very, very happy.

So, let me get this straight.

This helmet's to save us from the alien's mind control?

Yeah, and it must be working, cos look - I'm still normal.

That's one point of view.

So, we've all got to wear them.

This is ridiculous. Even if the alien is doing mind control

why would you think a tin foil hat -

If you don't put it on, we can't trust you.

That's right. You could be taken over any second.

You could be taken over already.

Maybe that's why he doesn't want to put it on.

Maybe he doesn't want to be separated from his alien master.

OK, OK! See? I'm part of Team Earthling.

-So everyone's clear on the plan?

-Roger that.

There's three of them. Must be part of a special forces recon.

If you need any more cakes or tea, just let me know, won't you?

Being their servant... If that's just making them tea and stuff,

that's not so bad, is it?

Death before surrender, got it?

I understand.

-OK, phase one.

-To neutralise the human puppets.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

What?

My jacket...

You better not have...

SCREAMING

Everything OK? We heard a scream.

I think it was a seagull. Cupcake?

What's going on?

-Charlie!

-Oh, no, no. We don't know...

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

Charlie?

Charlie!

If your eyes still work, read this.

"You have been taken over by aliens.

I will save you, but please put on the tin foil hats."

They must be the tin foil hats.

Not that that's relevant.

Charlie, open this door now.

I can't. Not until you're all wearing the hats.

-I'm so going to get you for this.

-How are we getting on?

-What are you doing?!

-You want to get out of here, don't you?

-You too, Mum, and Hannah.

-You're such a freak.

This is not a good moment.

Charlie, I'm being deadly serious now.

-Open this door!

-In a minute.

I'm just going to go and get rid of the aliens.

Charlie, no. We will stop your pocket money forever...FOREVER.

It's OK, Mum, you're not real. You're just an alien puppet.

Now, I'm going to set the fire alarm off,

-but don't worry - there's no fire.

-Charlie, don't you dare!

I'll come back and let you out once I've got rid of them.

I'm so sorry, Mrs Enright.

I'm sure we'll laugh about this over a cup of tea.

Ben, Ben, open the door, Ben.

-Time for phase two.

-Get the aliens out of the house.

-Charlie!

-Charlie?

ALARM RINGS

Masters, please, we have to go!

Chop chop! It's a fire!

Hurry up!

Quick!

Wait here. I'll save your weapons.

No, I don't think you should go back in.

Don't worry, I'll save you.

No!

No!

Definitely looks like this is their main weapon.

Oi? Aliens?

Thought you'd zap the human race with this, did you?

No, the prototype...

Stop it! Stop that!

No, because guess what? You can't control me!

Please! Stop, please!

Go back to your own planet, and leave us alone.

We did it. We saved humanity.

ALL CHEER

Oh, no.

What?

READS LABEL

Leeds.

But how could aliens go to Leeds and get...

Oh...

-Charlie!

-Open the door!

SIREN

Run!

It's gone a little bit wrong!

How can this be right? Doing all the shopping for a month, and for what?

For proving I'm loyal to humanity.

What kind of lesson's that for a child? It's a travesty of justice.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd