Biscuits All At Sea

On your marks, get set, go!

-How was that?

-3.7 seconds.

Outstanding!

That's 23 kilometres an hour.

That young guy on the internet clocked 32.

How did he do it?

The two Ds - discipline and dedication.

A grown man running into walls?

That's our role model?

No!

-I can't see anything.

-There.

Look, see? A smudge.

< THUMP AND YELL

So, these women from your netball team reunion,

you actually think they'll bring

-a fingerprinting kit?

-You don't know 'em.

They're like vampires, except instead of blood,

they're attracted to poorly maintained kitchen appliances.

You're getting too wound up about this. The place looks great.

It will do, if you stop touching the kettle and turning on taps.

You're right. I'm over-reacting, aren't I?

I'll be getting you to fill out a form

every time you open the fridge! Oh, that's terrible!

I think I can see what's happening here.

Your old schoolfriends coming to the house is reminding you

of the inadequate schoolgirl you used to be.

This guy.

He says we all have baggage from the past.

He calls it our balloon.

And we spend our lives trying to burst that balloon,

when in reality, what we should be doing is embracing the balloon.

Not another self-help book?! They're all the same.

Hugging the budgie, cuddling the cobra.

No, it's psychoanalysis.

It helps us to understand ourselves.

I'll show you!

Louie, what do you see?

It's my old yo-yo, Robert.

We used to do everything together.

I'll never have another friend like Robert.

Right...

Oh!

The posh biscuits! I don't believe it!

There's two missing! Those were supposed to be for tomorrow.

-It's just two biscuits.

-Was it you?

-Have you had them?

-No!

There's enough food here to feed the Premier League!

Louie, have you ate these biscuits?

Yuck! You know I don't eat round food.

It's horrible!

Well, that's true.

And Hannah's been at a sleepover, so...

< THUMP AND YELLS

Of course!

It wasn't me! You can't just accuse people without proof!

It couldn't have been anyone else. That's my proof.

Good morning, Mr Barnaby.

Morning.

So I'm stopping your pocket money.

And when my friends come round tomorrow,

-you will stay in your room.

-Eh?

And what's with the Humpty Dumpty outfit?

Actually, I don't want to know.

I get the blame for everything around here!

What? Are you saying you didn't steal the biscuits?

I never touched them!

Wow! That's an unexpected twist.

Maybe one of the guests infiltrated the family zone.

Yeah! They're always stealing soap and stuff.

Now I think of it, they have been acting kind of weird.

I was in Mr Barnaby's room yesterday,

just trying to break my nonstop bouncing record,

and he got all weird about it, like he was hiding something.

And I was showing Mrs Owen some tennis ball tricks

and she was really unfriendly, like she was trying to get rid of me.

And Mr Morris got really frightened by just a tiny little noise,

like he'd done something and was guilty.

That's it! One of them definitely did it.

I've got to find out who, clear my name.

OK, so, you've been wrongly accused,

but that doesn't mean we can go round doing whatever we want.

Society has rules.

Yeah. If anyone messes with you,

you take them out.

Then you go to work on his family.

-This is such a bad idea.

-It's a great idea.

If they eat a biscuit, their mouth turns blue - we've got them.

Or we could just ask them if they took the biscuits.

They won't admit it. Whisk.

And torture's illegal now.

Just cos we're scared of a little pain.

Even so...

I might just...

I mean, you don't need me, do you?

Outstanding!

TV: 'Marsupials have been foraging now for several weeks.

'But as the cold starts to bite...'

Hello. So, er...

Biscuits. Nice, aren't they?

The thing is,

a couple of biscuits went missing.

But if you did take them,

it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Please...I'm trying to watch this.

Perhaps you thought they were free.

Will you be quiet?

'It won't be long until it becomes too cold...'

< THUMPING AND YELLING

Actually...

..I like quiet too.

'For now, the young pups are blissfully unaware

'of the perils ahead.'

I might wear this tomorrow.

Hmm?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, you're back.

-Did you have a good time?

-Yeah, it was lovely.

Good to be home, though, see you guys.

You want something. What do you want?

No!

Just cos I'm being friendly, it doesn't mean I want something.

That is so unfair!

No. Unfair is when a seagull poos in your ice cream.

What I'm being is realistic.

Fine.

There's a party tomorrow.

-It's on a boat. Tickets are 20 quid.

-No way.

I told you that an F in maths means no pocket money for a month.

You always pick out the bad subjects! What about art?

I got a D in that!

-No.

-OK, OK.

What we need here

is honest and open communication.

This is a very difficult phase you're going through.

Do not be judgmental, Helen, she's a teenager.

I mean YOU. You and that stupid book.

I think I can see a way through this.

Hannah, you want 20 quid.

-Yes.

-And Helen, you are completely freaking out about this reunion.

So...why don't you let Hannah

help you...

And you pay me! That's a brilliant idea!

Actually, that's not bad.

-You could hand out the food.

-Deal.

See? Now that I have embraced my own balloon,

maybe I can solve everyone else's problems.

Kevin...

You can embrace your balloon.

But just do it silently.

Can you smell smoke?

Um...

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

Charlie!

I got this, I got this!

I spent all morning cleaning this room!

What are you doing?

-Just some baking.

-Just some baking?!

Look at this mess! It's like a marauding army's marched through

and then come back and had a food fight!

Are these for your mum's party tomorrow?

Yeah!

To make up for the ones that were stolen.

But not by me!

-Charlie!

-What?

Oh!

You, get in here!

I expected more from you, Ben.

You're right, I knew it was happening and I did nothing.

I feel ashamed.

Oh, just...just get out, all of you, and stay out!

Oh, Mum...

Not you!

What am I going to do?! It'll take hours to clean all this up.

OK, calm down. You'll get through this in no time.

Because I'm going to help you, you big silly!

Right.

Oh!

That went brilliant!

Seriously - that's the word you'd use?!

Phase one is complete. The bait is ready.

Now all I've got to do is set the trap.

Wake up, Louie! I need your help.

What did you say, Louie?

-Uh...

-You're right.

The biscuits in the kitchen are lovely.

Want...sleep...

Mum gets them from a bakery.

It's famous for their delicious blue biscuits.

Please, Charlie...

What is it? What's going on?

Oh, hello, Mr Barnaby.

Just in case you or your mates want anything,

Mum and Dad turn in at 10,

so after that, there'll be no-one around. NO-ONE.

Can I go back to bed now?

Yeah.

Kitchen cleaned again. Check.

Spice rack alphbet...alphabet...

alphab...

Put in alphabetical order. Check.

This reunion is bringing up a lot of stuff, isn't it, Helen?

Oh, don't analyse me.

But you need to understand

it's all in your head. It is not real.

It is real.

I gave them all food poisoning.

It's by the by. ..What?!

I've never told you this,

but I once organised the netball team summer party.

OK, I'm listening.

And I made one silly mistake.

I told the caterers the wrong day,

so there was no food.

So I had to get a curry from the take-away...

-And gave...everyone food poisoning.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Jenny Simmonds threw up over Cynthia Nixon

halfway through the team photo.

They said it wasn't my fault, but I could tell they blamed me.

The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me.

It feels good to talk about all this, though.

It feels good to get it off your chest.

Yeah.

Come on. Give the doctor a hug.

All's good in the hood.

Oh! The fridge!

-I've got to check the fridge!

-What? Why?

Because if the fridge stops working, all the food will go off!

Everyone will get poisoned again. We'll have to leave in disgrace

and go and leave in Orkney, where nobody's heard of us

and the winters are brutal. That's why!

OK, Helen, I'll be really honest with you.

I think you'll need another session.

FOOTSTEPS

The thief!

CREAKING

Aha!

CHARLIE!

Mum?

Your mum is really upset.

She just doesn't understand why you'd do something like that.

I was helping. I was trying to catch the biscuit thief.

But I do.

I understand.

-You do?

-Yes.

This is not your fault.

You feel excluded, so you're acting up.

You're totally right, Dad. This isn't my fault.

I tell you what.

If you behave tomorrow, maybe we'll surprise your mum,

and you can come down to the reunion.

How good does that sound?

Great.

Good lad. Ow! Rubik's cube.

Oh, and Charlie...

about the biscuits.

If you want one,

-just ask.

-I didn't take the biscuits!

Is it time to get up?

I understand.

I understand.

I put the garden tables into the guest lounge

and I have to say it's looking pretty good.

We're not beaten yet, universe!

I think we need to face the facts. Charlie needs a shrink.

Or a little understanding from someone with real insight.

Here.

What's this?

"14:30, guests arrive. 14:35, drinks and amusing stories.

"See appendix B."

It's just bullet points, really.

"Wrap-up and closing remarks, 18:30."

-But that's...

-6:30.

But my party's at 5:30!

-I thought I was only handing out a couple of bowls of crisps!

-No.

We've got all that to get through.

What?

My party, the boat leaves at 6!

Hannah!

You are getting paid £20 to serve food,

so you have to do it.

-But...

-End of story!

Fingerprinting with soot - it's ridiculous!

-It'll work. I read it in a book.

-Called what?

The Giant Book Of Incredibly Stupid Ideas?

-Ow!

-You're being negative.

It's such a great idea. I'm honoured to be a part of it.

It's full of old newspaper up here.

There it is - sticky tape.

Perfect! Now all we need to do is find a matching print.

I can't believe it worked.

Now we need to get on with the next part of this insane plan.

RUMBLING

Hear that? Even the chimney's stressed out.

What do you think?

I think it looks pretty good.

DOORBELL

That's Cynthia Bryce. I knew she'd be early,

-trying to catch me out!

-OK, calm down.

We are ready.

OK? Go.

Cynthia! How lovely.

I came early. I thought you might need some help.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

No, no.

Everything's under control.

-Are you going to come?

-No, you go to the film. I'm going for a walk.

Suspects departing on foot.

Now's our chance.

To slide down into a life of crime?

Going in the rooms isn't a crime.

If you've got the keys.

Anyway, you're not coming.

-Really?

-You're following the suspects.

The two at the cinema will be gone ages, but the other one -

-make sure he doesn't come back.

-How am I going to do that?

You'll find a way,

because failure isn't an option.

Cynthia's sitting in there, smiling like a viper in a barrel of frogs.

Or maybe she's just enjoying herself.

Oh, no, no, no! She's waiting for me to relax,

drop me guard, then one wrong move and she'll pounce.

-DOORBELL

-That'll be more of them.

The guests are here. I'll start serving canapes.

I'm not sure your mum's ready yet.

It's not just about her. I'm a person too

-and I need to get these done for 5:30.

-Hannah! Hannah!

Right. Mr Barnaby's room.

You check over there for a matching print.

I'll check the bed for biscuit crumbs.

Canape?

Canape?

Have another.

Have another.

Mr Barnaby, isn't it?

From Brookville. What a coincidence.

Uh!

Going to the gardens? Lovely views.

I can give you a tour if you like.

Local knowledge - get the inside story!

No, I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

The castle dates back to the 12th century,

although it's been disused since the Civil War...

Perfect.

No-one will know we've been here.

WHAT?!

Sorry. I got a bit carried away.

You go and clean yourself up, get rid of that

and I'll deal with this.

No!

Are we good?

Uh-oh! Man down!

We need someone to blame.

Burglars!

Come on. You're nearly finished.

Another little-known fact about Scarborough

-is that it's the birthplace of the roundabout.

-What?!

To solve traffic problems at the famous Scarborough Fair,

lots of people here selling parsley, thyme...

You're making this up!

Shall we try a verse?

# Are you going to...?

I'm off. Goodbye.

I can show you where Julius Caesar had his static caravan.

MR BARNABY!

Ladder's deployed right outside.

Even the cops can figure this one out.

The burglar climbed up the ladder,

got in through the window,

checked the chimney for hidden valuables...

Which got soot all over the place.

Then he stepped on the phone...

-Was so gutted, he decided not to take anything.

-Outstanding!

You head home. I'll go to Mum's boring party,

make sure everyone sees me.

Establish an alibi. Good thinking.

Brilliant.

For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.

What's next?

Try these.

That was quick!

They loved it. What's next?

Yeah, I've always been fascinated by the human mind.

I'm like a fisherman.

And people's personalities and their little quirks and motivations,

they are like fish,

with, er...

Have a pancake thing.

No.

No?! Have one. Seriously.

Fine! Don't come crying to me when they're all gone.

-Everything all right?

-Lovely.

-It's a lovely party, Helen.

-Really?

You're so organised.

Not like some I could mention.

Do you remember Melissa Carter's party?

She got the date wrong for the caterer.

She sent out for a curry and we all got terrible food poisoning.

That was Melissa?

I think so, wasn't it?

Um...

er...

yeah, I think it was, yeah.

Typical Melissa!

Charlie, what are you doing here?

Oh, hello, Mrs Bryce.

I didn't get the chance to speak to you earlier

when I was here at the party for ages.

Hello.

Lovely blouse.

Oh...thank you!

He's really settled down, hasn't he?

Yeah!

I said he could drop in and say hello. Let's give him a chance.

Do have one of these snacks.

They're even nicer than the ones I gave you

about an hour and a half ago.

He does seem to be on his best behaviour.

I won't say "I told you so".

-Any more food?

-Er...no.

We'll send the desserts out in a few minutes.

First, I just want to say

you are doing really well!

Yeah.

I've been really good for the whole two hours I've been down here.

Ah, yes, I'm off!

Whoa! Hold your horses. Desserts.

What?!

Your mum said all the food.

I'll have one of those.

Amazing.

I make Charlie feel included, and look what happens.

He blooms like a flower.

Like a flower watered by a river of smugness.

No, he is trying, I'll give you that.

Plus, I've just sent your biscuits out,

so he should really start to feel a part of it all.

Tell you what - these are pretty good!

You've got competition.

I'm like a gardener.

But instead of plants, I grow humans.

Beautiful, thriving humans.

-Oh!

-What?

Charlie!

Ah, Mr Barnaby. Everything all right?

I'm afraid I've had to call the police.

Good party, isn't it? Just flew by.

I can't believe I've been here two and a half hours.

No - no biscuits!

Get out of my way, creep. Biscuit?

Hannah!

-I'll take those.

-Am I finished? At last!

A phone.

Deliberately smashed.

What does that tell us, guys?

That our criminal

is a man...or woman

who feels...

isolated.

Unable to communicate.

And more to the point,

is probably covered in soot.

Yeah. I was going to say that.

Charlie!

-Break-in.

-Possibly.

But that window hasn't been forced.

It could be an inside job.

Charlie.

CHARLIE!

WOMEN CHATTER

Bye, then.

Thanks for coming.

I hope you enjoyed yourselves.

What have you done?!

All right, ladies?

Everyone having a good time?

He's been mischievous in the past, but I have cured him.

But how can I have done...whatever it is you think I've done

when I've been down here the whole time?

-Right, Dad?

-He has.

What is going on?

And what's all this?!

I'm so sorry, Cynthia. I'm sure it'll wash out.

It had better!

Mum, I'm off. Can I get that 20 quid?

Best if you stay a few minutes, just till we get this sorted.

What?! But...

Everybody, stay.

Oh!

Do you like my new yo-yo?

Biscuits! There! Louie stole the biscuits, not me!

I'm innocent!

He's my new friend, Maurice, but I'll never forget Roger.

Hey!

Soot!

Oh!

Charlie!

OK, fine. I did do all the other stuff,

but look - ha!

I didn't steal the biscuits!

MUM GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Well, I think we're all sorted here.

Finally! Can I go now?

Yes, I've had quite enough.

Ladies?

You are in serious trouble!

I don't know why you're blaming me.

It's not my fault!

Still, at least no-one got food poisoning.

Things could have been a lot worse.

OMINOUS RUMBLING

RUMBLING GETS LOUDER

THEY COUGH AND SPLUTTER

And I thought Melissa's party was bad!

This has been a nightmare!

The worst two hours of my life.

Come on!

So sorry. So sorry.

Thanks for coming. See you at the next one!

I'm leaving. And I'll be billing you for the phone.

Good, good.

Look at me!

I've got no time to get cleaned up.

I've missed the party. I've missed it.

Hey.

This really does take the biscuit.

OK!

If Louie's the thief, does that mean I get my pocket money back?

How can this be right?

Helping with breakfast for a month, and for what?

For tracking down a hardened criminal!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd