Carwash All At Sea


Carwash

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Transcript


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It was an accident!

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You actually microwaved a dinosaur to an action man.

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I was trying to make a lizard man.

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They need high temperatures to mutate.

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Keep up, Mum, it's basic monster science.

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-HE LAUGHS

-It's quite clever, actually.

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-It's like Dr Frankenstein.

-THEY LAUGH

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No, no, nevertheless, you know, we're very disappointed in you.

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Especially your mum.

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No, no, and me, as well. And we're stopping your pocket money till you pay this repair bill.

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£86? You can't do that!

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I'll starve to death. I'll probably get rickets.

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-Maybe give him a few quid for cleaning the car, it's not rained much.

-Kevin!

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Yes, go to your room!

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Bad man.

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For the rickets.

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I hate raised voices.

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It reminds me of being back in the bank with all the shouting and the pointing,

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Mr Thompson and his filing system and all the chit-chatter by the water cooler.

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Well, it's the only way he'll listen. I can't always be the bossy one.

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-No!

-DISTANT COUGHING

-Would you?

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You can nip into town, take back what's left of the microwave.

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Oh!

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SHE COUGHS

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-SHE GROANS

-What are you doing in bed?

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I thought Carol was coming round to do your science project.

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-I don't feel too well.

-SHE COUGHS

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-Can you call her and tell her it's off?

-What's up?

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I feel really cold, but also really hot.

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SHE COUGHS

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-Get up!

-I don't want to hang out with Carol!

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She's boring, she wears her hair in French plaits and labels all her pencils.

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Well, maybe some of her organisational skills will rub off on you.

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You're going to need them for a proper job. From what I've seen, you won't make it as an actress.

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That is so offensive!

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Nice try, but shouldn't you be on this side?

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-Morning.

-Good morning.

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Everything all right, Louie?

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RADIO: "There is a deepening new low developing in the North Sea,

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"and will extend across all areas of..."

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The humans, something spooks them.

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-"Storm warnings have been issued for coastal areas..."

-That's it! A storm!

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"Gale force winds are expected with gusts of up to 70 mph."

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Sounds big. We better take cover, Simon.

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"..throughout the day, on air and on our website."

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SEAGULLS SQUAWK

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Car washing?

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-Bagsy on the hose, I need to work on my target practice.

-Yep!

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If we do five cars a day, we'll pay off the repair bill by the end of the week.

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But I thought we were going to stay in and finish my North Sea oil rig.

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When we're millionaires, you can buy all the oil rigs.

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Ooh, I can get a North Cormorant offshore with matchstick support vessel!

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Better get a move on with the mission. Only eight hours of sunlight left.

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-But how are we going to find enough cars to wash?

-Easy.

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They're all really dirty. It hasn't rained in weeks.

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THUNDER BOOMS

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Probably just seagulls plopping.

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THUNDER BOOMS AND RAIN PATTERS

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-THUNDER BOOMS

-The prophecy, it's coming true!

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Quick, Simon, before we get blown away!

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HE SIGHS

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I can't believe it! They're all clean!

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-Stupid rain!

-Oh, well, er, we best get back to the den

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and, er, finish that oil rig.

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I've got a much better idea!

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We could make little plastic men, er, to put on the deck.

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It's never going to happen, is it?

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DOOR BUZZER

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-Carol!

-Hi. Sorry, am I early?

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I can go wait at the end of the drive for another three and a half minutes.

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I'll just see if Hannah's ready. Hannah!

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Hannah, get down here now!

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-I'm busy! Leave me alone!

-She'll be down in a minute.

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I don't get it. Why would you want to put dirt on people's cars?

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So people will pay us to wash it off, silly.

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Camouflage and subversion. Genius!

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Yeah, but won't they just be able to wash it off with a hose?

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Wait! He's right!

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We need something thicker, something they'll never be able to wash off in a million years.

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-No, that's not what I meant.

-I've got it!

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MUFFLED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

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SHE SIGHS

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I swear, I was the only person in Islington who thought a Caravaggio was a type of pizza.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, I didn't see you there.

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-Clearly.

-Hi, Hannah.

-What is she doing here?

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Your mum was telling me about when you lived in London. The theatres, galleries, it sounds so exciting.

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-Yeah, so exciting. Excuse me while I pass out.

-Maybe I should go.

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I promised my mum I'd baby-sit my little sister after lunch, so...

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-I'll drop you off.

-What about your precious little science project?

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I've done it, it just needs laminating.

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Hannah can do that. I'll drop her off in town.

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I am not a slave!

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Well, it's a good job, cos I'd take you back to the slave dealer for a refund.

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Thanks, Hannah. I appreciate it.

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All clear! Move! Move!

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A-ha!

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Thick, white, gloopy! It could almost be the real thing!

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-Real what?

-Seagull poo!

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-We're not putting that on a grownup's car.

-DOOR BUZZER

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Enemy movement, quick!

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The storm has passed, but where is everyone?

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Oh, no.

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The storm has taken them.

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They've all gone, Simon.

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-It's so nice of you offering to buy me lunch on the way home.

-It was the least I could do.

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I thought this'd be your sort of place. Sophisticated, arty.

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I wasn't sure we'd see you again.

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-I've been tied up at the B&B.

-Yeah.

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-I bet that son of yours keeps you busy.

-We were just admiring your artwork.

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Yeah, it's really evocative of the sea.

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-Long word.

-I try and learn a new one every week. It's good for the short-term memory.

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Listen to her. What would you like?

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Erm, I'll have whatever you're having. Excuse me a moment.

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-Nice young lady.

-Oh, she's lovely.

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It's good to see a mum and daughter getting along for a change.

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-Oh, actually, we're not.

-Trust me, you are.

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You see some terrible twosomes in town on a Saturday.

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Screaming mums, girls gone mad.

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Of course, it's not the kids' fault, really. It's the parents.

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-Well, it's... It's hard. But Carol...

-She is a real credit to you.

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-I do my best.

-You should write one of those parenting books about that one, share your secret.

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Well, not sure there is a secret, really, you know, it's just...

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Just the basics, just...

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..always tell the truth and make quality time for each other.

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-I was just telling your...

-Now, we would like, erm,

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two Caesar salads and another jug of juice, please.

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If you like the art, you should come down to my wife's gallery this afternoon.

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-She's putting on an exhibition of some interesting art.

-Oh.

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A chance for you two to spend some more quality time together, eh?

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I think he's just being friendly.

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We have to hurry. After a storm, water creatures will come.

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We need a place we can hide out.

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Simon, you keep watch.

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Beans or spaghetti shapes?

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You're right, no beans.

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We could be holed up for a while.

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No. It's too clean.

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Good. Then all the mud and mess will really show up.

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THEY LAUGH

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-It's ruined!

-It isn't! I haven't even put the seagull poo on yet.

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We're vandals! I don't want to go to prison!

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Mum says they only have five channels!

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And they make you eat your food off little plastic trays!

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No-one's going to prison, because you're going to do an amazing sales pitch.

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What? But I'm no good at that sort of thing.

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I get nervous, sweaty.

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Come off it! You're the best at talking to grownups, isn't he?

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Yeah, adults like boring kids. Fact!

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THEY LAUGH

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Hello. Er, we're Savoy Cleaners.

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A deluxe car valeting service that's new to your area.

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And today we're offering to clean your car at a bargain price of just £5.

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Well, sorry, I had it done last...

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-What?

-Seagulls, eh? Flying rats if you ask me.

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The council ought to shoot them. I would but they get a bit uppity about that sort of thing.

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-How old are you?

-Ten.

-But... But we're very mature for our age.

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And strong, too. Grr!

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Well, it's a very big job. How do I know you can handle it?

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Er...

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I think our work speaks for itself.

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Yeah, that is very impressive.

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OK, you're on.

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Right. I'm off to pick up my suit from the dry cleaners, I have a conference tomorrow.

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A businessman like yourself, you know how important it is to impress clients.

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THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

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Anyway, I'll leave the door open so you can get to the tap. Is there anything else you need?

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Er, just the chance to give your car a new lease of life, sir.

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It's a pleasure doing business with you.

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"Hiya. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave me a message after the tone."

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Fine, mum! Don't pick me up, then!

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I'll walk home all by myself! But I am so telling Dad about this.

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This is actual child neglect!

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PHONE CAMERA BEEPS

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-Hurry up! This is taking ages!

-Any faster, she might blow!

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This filth is set solid! And my wrists are hurting.

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My mum says you should look after your wrists. They're the hinges to the arm.

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We've still got four cars to do to reach our target.

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We need to speed this up! Wait here!

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Problem solved!

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Drain cleaner. Cuts through gunk and grime in half the time.

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-Fresh ammo! Ace!

-But it says for drains.

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Is that safe? I mean, if we're handling toxic materials

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then we'll need the proper safety equipment.

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-Er, you get scrubbing and you crank up the hose.

-Yes, sir!

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He said... get... scrubbing.

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This is the diary of Louie, the only boy to survive the great storm.

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Day one. My family are gone and all I have is a pile of spaghetti, my storm den and Simon.

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It's important to keep a diary, Simon, so you don't go mad.

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There, all safe.

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We're going to be rich! I'll be able to buy a massive microwave and build a life-sized lizard man.

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Monster mayhem! Outstanding!

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THEY LAUGH

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Er... guys.

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I think you'd better come see this.

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It's just a stain. You need to scrub harder.

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The paint's coming off. We're done for! And I was the front man.

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It's all right. I saw something in the garage that'll fix it. Easy!

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Sorted!

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-Camouflage! Genius!

-But it says for fences and sheds.

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The paint's red, the car's red, what's your problem?

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SHE WHISTLES

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Where have you been?

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-Dropping Carol back.

-You took your time.

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-I stopped off in town.

-For?

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-Some shopping.

-Get anything nice?

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-Why are you being weird?

-Maybe cos you took another woman's daughter out for lunch.

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-It's not what it looks like.

-Spare me the lies.

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She said she was hungry, I suggested we go for lunch.

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-Because she's so mature and interesting?

-Well...

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-You never take me out anywhere nice.

-Because you never ask me! You can barely talk to me without shouting.

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OK. Why don't we go somewhere together now?

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-I can't, I've said I'll go to an exhibition with...

-Carol? Fine!

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OK.

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Why don't I cancel and maybe you and me can go to the exhibition together, instead.

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-Not if you don't want to.

-I do.

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-Really?

-Course!

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Come here.

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-There.

-It's a completely different colour.

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You can hardly notice it.

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Are you kidding? You could see it from a plane!

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Uh-oh! Enemy movement at 12 o'clock!

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Hi, Dad!

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What are you doing now? I thought I told you to go to your room.

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And I did. And I thought long and hard about that terrible thing I did,

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and decided to pay you back. I'm starting my own car-washing business.

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Good. Good.

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Glad I finally talked some sense into you.

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Hang on.

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You've done a really good job.

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Thanks, Dad.

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-Why don't you come over for tea later when you've finished?

-Thanks!

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-Charlie?

-Yeah?

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-Well done. I'm really proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

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I told you, it's hard to notice.

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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You kids know anything about this?

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Yeah. This is my house.

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It's been sitting out here for weeks. Mum says someone abandoned it.

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Well, it's a disgrace, that's all I can say.

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You kids take care now.

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We will. As much as we can with all this sort of thing going on.

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Er, my dad's got a friend who fixes cars. I'll call him.

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From a phone box, so that they can't track us.

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I don't know what he's making such a big fuss about.

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Me, neither. It just needs a bit of evening out.

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Thank you being so understanding, Carol.

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Yeah, and maybe I'll see you at the exhibition. OK. Bye.

0:19:260:19:29

I just bumped into Charlie.

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He's started his own business. Washing cars.

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It's OK, it's OK. We can move away, we can change our surnames,

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-it won't take long to pack our things up.

-No, no, no, no, no. He's doing a really good job.

0:19:400:19:45

I think that little chat I had with him this morning really sunk in.

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-Hm.

-Where are you off to?

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I'm going to a gallery with Hannah.

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-Brave.

-Yeah, it was practically her idea.

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And it'll be nice, you know, spending some quality time together.

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Will it? Yeah, no, yeah, no, it will. Yeah. Good idea.

0:20:010:20:06

-What do you think?

-Hm.

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That one's nice.

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It was a lovely plinth.

0:20:240:20:26

Bet Carol would have loads of interesting and clever stuff to say about it all.

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Don't be silly!

0:20:320:20:35

Carol might be mature and intelligent and polite...

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..but she's not you.

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Ah, you made it.

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-So, what do you reckon?

-It's lovely, isn't it, Hannah?

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Yeah. It's all a bit like the sea and that. Innit?

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-And where's your daughter?

-Oh, how rude of me. Hannah, this is...

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-Harry.

-Harry, from the cafe. Harry, meet Hannah.

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And where's your other daughter, Carol?

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-Er, what?

-Must be off. Lots to see. Sea, get it?

0:21:110:21:15

Mum, did you tell him Carol was your daughter?

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Course not! Silly.

0:21:190:21:21

-Ah, there she is. Hello, Carol.

-No, no, he must've...

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He must've seen us eating together and just assumed.

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-And you let him?

-Hannah! I promise you, it meant nothing.

0:21:270:21:31

-Yeah, right, you really do love Carol more than me.

-How can you say that?

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Although, I bet Carol wouldn't embarrass her mother like this in public.

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I can't believe I even gave you a second chance!

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If you love Carol so much, why don't you just adopt her?

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So, this is your daughter.

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Yeah, I might've known.

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I think you'd better leave.

0:21:590:22:02

-PHONE RINGS

-Answer! Please!

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PHONE RINGS

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Speak up, Ben, I can't hear you.

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The car! They've ruined the car!

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What do you want me to do about it?

0:22:340:22:37

Have you got any doors for a red Nissan?

0:22:370:22:39

Ian, have we got any doors for a red Nissan?

0:22:390:22:43

No, but look, we've got blue wing mirrors for an Audi.

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Hello? Hello? Hello?

0:22:470:22:51

New plan! Why don't we leave it how it is and then when the man gets here, we'll explain...

0:22:520:22:57

-Oh, no.

-What do you think?

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I think we're going to prison.

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Back a bit! Back a bit!

0:23:080:23:11

We'll soon have this heap cleared away for you.

0:23:140:23:16

Thanks. I'm sure Mum will appreciate it.

0:23:160:23:20

-What are we going to do now?

-Peg it!

0:23:200:23:24

-If anyone asks, we'll just say the last time we saw it, everything was OK.

-All right.

0:23:300:23:35

Hi! How did the car washing go?

0:23:350:23:38

-Brilliant!

-Outstanding!

-Nothing bad happened.

-We made £5.

0:23:380:23:42

Great. You'll be able to start paying me back for the microwave.

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DOOR CLOSES

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Water creatures! Don't worry, Simon, I'll protect you.

0:24:160:24:20

In case I don't come back, you can have my spaghetti hoops.

0:24:230:24:27

CLATTERING

0:24:350:24:38

-All right, Louie?

-You survived?

0:24:450:24:49

How was the gallery?

0:24:540:24:57

Let's just say it was an experience. Dinner is served.

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-DOOR BUZZER

-Charlie, door.

0:25:000:25:03

-You!

-That's a nice suit.

-Where's my car?

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I come back from the shops and it's gone.

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Erm, it was fine the last time we saw it.

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-Er, I'm just scratching my nose cos it's itchy.

-What's going on?

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Right, these kids were going to clean my car.

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I come back from the shops and it's gone.

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There is paint all over the place and these leading from my drive to your front door.

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-Charlie?

-It's obvious where they came from, isn't it?

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How can I steal a car? I'm only ten.

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-I can't even drive.

-That's true. I've seen him. He's awful.

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-What?

-OK, OK, Helen, I'll handle this.

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Look, my son might not be an angel

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but I saw him washing those cars earlier on and he did an excellent job.

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So I suggest you call the police rather than come round here accusing him!

0:26:030:26:07

Dad's right. Probably just car thieves. I heard there's some in the area.

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-Well, maybe I've been a bit hasty.

-Apology accepted.

0:26:110:26:16

Ben, I've got that door you were after.

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I've never seen him before in my life.

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A red Nissan. As luck would have it, one came in just after you called.

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A red Nissan? Hang on a minute.

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-That's my conference pass!

-It could be anyone's.

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And my driver's licence.

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-And a photo of my wife!

-She's bonny.

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-Where's my car?

-Calm down. It's back at the yard.

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It was clean before they crushed it.

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You owe me five quid.

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How can this be right? Cleaning everyone's shoes for a month?

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And for what? For trying to start a successful business that would've employed hundreds!

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What kind of lesson is that for a child?

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It's a travesty of justice!

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