Carwash All At Sea

It was an accident!

You actually microwaved a dinosaur to an action man.

I was trying to make a lizard man.

They need high temperatures to mutate.

Keep up, Mum, it's basic monster science.

-HE LAUGHS

-It's quite clever, actually.

-It's like Dr Frankenstein.

-THEY LAUGH

No, no, nevertheless, you know, we're very disappointed in you.

Especially your mum.

No, no, and me, as well. And we're stopping your pocket money till you pay this repair bill.

£86? You can't do that!

I'll starve to death. I'll probably get rickets.

-Maybe give him a few quid for cleaning the car, it's not rained much.

-Kevin!

Yes, go to your room!

Bad man.

For the rickets.

I hate raised voices.

It reminds me of being back in the bank with all the shouting and the pointing,

Mr Thompson and his filing system and all the chit-chatter by the water cooler.

Well, it's the only way he'll listen. I can't always be the bossy one.

-No!

-DISTANT COUGHING

-Would you?

You can nip into town, take back what's left of the microwave.

Oh!

SHE COUGHS

-SHE GROANS

-What are you doing in bed?

I thought Carol was coming round to do your science project.

-I don't feel too well.

-SHE COUGHS

-Can you call her and tell her it's off?

-What's up?

I feel really cold, but also really hot.

SHE COUGHS

-Get up!

-I don't want to hang out with Carol!

She's boring, she wears her hair in French plaits and labels all her pencils.

Well, maybe some of her organisational skills will rub off on you.

You're going to need them for a proper job. From what I've seen, you won't make it as an actress.

That is so offensive!

Nice try, but shouldn't you be on this side?

-Morning.

-Good morning.

Everything all right, Louie?

RADIO: "There is a deepening new low developing in the North Sea,

"and will extend across all areas of..."

The humans, something spooks them.

-"Storm warnings have been issued for coastal areas..."

-That's it! A storm!

"Gale force winds are expected with gusts of up to 70 mph."

Sounds big. We better take cover, Simon.

"..throughout the day, on air and on our website."

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

Car washing?

-Bagsy on the hose, I need to work on my target practice.

-Yep!

If we do five cars a day, we'll pay off the repair bill by the end of the week.

But I thought we were going to stay in and finish my North Sea oil rig.

When we're millionaires, you can buy all the oil rigs.

Ooh, I can get a North Cormorant offshore with matchstick support vessel!

Better get a move on with the mission. Only eight hours of sunlight left.

-But how are we going to find enough cars to wash?

-Easy.

They're all really dirty. It hasn't rained in weeks.

THUNDER BOOMS

Probably just seagulls plopping.

THUNDER BOOMS AND RAIN PATTERS

-THUNDER BOOMS

-The prophecy, it's coming true!

Quick, Simon, before we get blown away!

HE SIGHS

I can't believe it! They're all clean!

-Stupid rain!

-Oh, well, er, we best get back to the den

and, er, finish that oil rig.

I've got a much better idea!

We could make little plastic men, er, to put on the deck.

It's never going to happen, is it?

DOOR BUZZER

-Carol!

-Hi. Sorry, am I early?

I can go wait at the end of the drive for another three and a half minutes.

I'll just see if Hannah's ready. Hannah!

Hannah, get down here now!

-I'm busy! Leave me alone!

-She'll be down in a minute.

I don't get it. Why would you want to put dirt on people's cars?

So people will pay us to wash it off, silly.

Camouflage and subversion. Genius!

Yeah, but won't they just be able to wash it off with a hose?

Wait! He's right!

We need something thicker, something they'll never be able to wash off in a million years.

-No, that's not what I meant.

-I've got it!

MUFFLED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

SHE SIGHS

I swear, I was the only person in Islington who thought a Caravaggio was a type of pizza.

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, I didn't see you there.

-Clearly.

-Hi, Hannah.

-What is she doing here?

Your mum was telling me about when you lived in London. The theatres, galleries, it sounds so exciting.

-Yeah, so exciting. Excuse me while I pass out.

-Maybe I should go.

I promised my mum I'd baby-sit my little sister after lunch, so...

-I'll drop you off.

-What about your precious little science project?

I've done it, it just needs laminating.

Hannah can do that. I'll drop her off in town.

I am not a slave!

Well, it's a good job, cos I'd take you back to the slave dealer for a refund.

Thanks, Hannah. I appreciate it.

All clear! Move! Move!

A-ha!

Thick, white, gloopy! It could almost be the real thing!

-Real what?

-Seagull poo!

-We're not putting that on a grownup's car.

-DOOR BUZZER

Enemy movement, quick!

The storm has passed, but where is everyone?

Oh, no.

The storm has taken them.

They've all gone, Simon.

-It's so nice of you offering to buy me lunch on the way home.

-It was the least I could do.

I thought this'd be your sort of place. Sophisticated, arty.

I wasn't sure we'd see you again.

-I've been tied up at the B&B.

-Yeah.

-I bet that son of yours keeps you busy.

-We were just admiring your artwork.

Yeah, it's really evocative of the sea.

-Long word.

-I try and learn a new one every week. It's good for the short-term memory.

Listen to her. What would you like?

Erm, I'll have whatever you're having. Excuse me a moment.

-Nice young lady.

-Oh, she's lovely.

It's good to see a mum and daughter getting along for a change.

-Oh, actually, we're not.

-Trust me, you are.

You see some terrible twosomes in town on a Saturday.

Screaming mums, girls gone mad.

Of course, it's not the kids' fault, really. It's the parents.

-Well, it's... It's hard. But Carol...

-She is a real credit to you.

-I do my best.

-You should write one of those parenting books about that one, share your secret.

Well, not sure there is a secret, really, you know, it's just...

Just the basics, just...

..always tell the truth and make quality time for each other.

-I was just telling your...

-Now, we would like, erm,

two Caesar salads and another jug of juice, please.

If you like the art, you should come down to my wife's gallery this afternoon.

-She's putting on an exhibition of some interesting art.

-Oh.

A chance for you two to spend some more quality time together, eh?

I think he's just being friendly.

We have to hurry. After a storm, water creatures will come.

We need a place we can hide out.

Simon, you keep watch.

Beans or spaghetti shapes?

You're right, no beans.

We could be holed up for a while.

No. It's too clean.

Good. Then all the mud and mess will really show up.

THEY LAUGH

-It's ruined!

-It isn't! I haven't even put the seagull poo on yet.

We're vandals! I don't want to go to prison!

Mum says they only have five channels!

And they make you eat your food off little plastic trays!

No-one's going to prison, because you're going to do an amazing sales pitch.

What? But I'm no good at that sort of thing.

I get nervous, sweaty.

Come off it! You're the best at talking to grownups, isn't he?

Yeah, adults like boring kids. Fact!

THEY LAUGH

Hello. Er, we're Savoy Cleaners.

A deluxe car valeting service that's new to your area.

And today we're offering to clean your car at a bargain price of just £5.

Well, sorry, I had it done last...

-What?

-Seagulls, eh? Flying rats if you ask me.

The council ought to shoot them. I would but they get a bit uppity about that sort of thing.

-How old are you?

-Ten.

-But... But we're very mature for our age.

And strong, too. Grr!

Well, it's a very big job. How do I know you can handle it?

Er...

I think our work speaks for itself.

Yeah, that is very impressive.

OK, you're on.

Right. I'm off to pick up my suit from the dry cleaners, I have a conference tomorrow.

A businessman like yourself, you know how important it is to impress clients.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Anyway, I'll leave the door open so you can get to the tap. Is there anything else you need?

Er, just the chance to give your car a new lease of life, sir.

It's a pleasure doing business with you.

"Hiya. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave me a message after the tone."

Fine, mum! Don't pick me up, then!

I'll walk home all by myself! But I am so telling Dad about this.

This is actual child neglect!

PHONE CAMERA BEEPS

-Hurry up! This is taking ages!

-Any faster, she might blow!

This filth is set solid! And my wrists are hurting.

My mum says you should look after your wrists. They're the hinges to the arm.

We've still got four cars to do to reach our target.

We need to speed this up! Wait here!

Problem solved!

Drain cleaner. Cuts through gunk and grime in half the time.

-Fresh ammo! Ace!

-But it says for drains.

Is that safe? I mean, if we're handling toxic materials

then we'll need the proper safety equipment.

-Er, you get scrubbing and you crank up the hose.

-Yes, sir!

He said... get... scrubbing.

This is the diary of Louie, the only boy to survive the great storm.

Day one. My family are gone and all I have is a pile of spaghetti, my storm den and Simon.

It's important to keep a diary, Simon, so you don't go mad.

There, all safe.

We're going to be rich! I'll be able to buy a massive microwave and build a life-sized lizard man.

Monster mayhem! Outstanding!

THEY LAUGH

Er... guys.

I think you'd better come see this.

It's just a stain. You need to scrub harder.

The paint's coming off. We're done for! And I was the front man.

It's all right. I saw something in the garage that'll fix it. Easy!

Sorted!

-Camouflage! Genius!

-But it says for fences and sheds.

The paint's red, the car's red, what's your problem?

SHE WHISTLES

Where have you been?

-Dropping Carol back.

-You took your time.

-I stopped off in town.

-For?

-Some shopping.

-Get anything nice?

-Why are you being weird?

-Maybe cos you took another woman's daughter out for lunch.

-It's not what it looks like.

-Spare me the lies.

She said she was hungry, I suggested we go for lunch.

-Because she's so mature and interesting?

-Well...

-You never take me out anywhere nice.

-Because you never ask me! You can barely talk to me without shouting.

OK. Why don't we go somewhere together now?

-I can't, I've said I'll go to an exhibition with...

-Carol? Fine!

OK.

Why don't I cancel and maybe you and me can go to the exhibition together, instead.

-Not if you don't want to.

-I do.

-Really?

-Course!

Come here.

-There.

-It's a completely different colour.

You can hardly notice it.

Are you kidding? You could see it from a plane!

Uh-oh! Enemy movement at 12 o'clock!

Hi, Dad!

What are you doing now? I thought I told you to go to your room.

And I did. And I thought long and hard about that terrible thing I did,

and decided to pay you back. I'm starting my own car-washing business.

Good. Good.

Glad I finally talked some sense into you.

Hang on.

You've done a really good job.

Thanks, Dad.

-Why don't you come over for tea later when you've finished?

-Thanks!

-Charlie?

-Yeah?

-Well done. I'm really proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

I told you, it's hard to notice.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

You kids know anything about this?

Yeah. This is my house.

It's been sitting out here for weeks. Mum says someone abandoned it.

Well, it's a disgrace, that's all I can say.

You kids take care now.

We will. As much as we can with all this sort of thing going on.

Er, my dad's got a friend who fixes cars. I'll call him.

From a phone box, so that they can't track us.

I don't know what he's making such a big fuss about.

Me, neither. It just needs a bit of evening out.

Thank you being so understanding, Carol.

Yeah, and maybe I'll see you at the exhibition. OK. Bye.

I just bumped into Charlie.

He's started his own business. Washing cars.

It's OK, it's OK. We can move away, we can change our surnames,

-it won't take long to pack our things up.

-No, no, no, no, no. He's doing a really good job.

I think that little chat I had with him this morning really sunk in.

-Hm.

-Where are you off to?

I'm going to a gallery with Hannah.

-Brave.

-Yeah, it was practically her idea.

And it'll be nice, you know, spending some quality time together.

Will it? Yeah, no, yeah, no, it will. Yeah. Good idea.

-What do you think?

-Hm.

That one's nice.

It was a lovely plinth.

Bet Carol would have loads of interesting and clever stuff to say about it all.

Don't be silly!

Carol might be mature and intelligent and polite...

..but she's not you.

Ah, you made it.

-So, what do you reckon?

-It's lovely, isn't it, Hannah?

Yeah. It's all a bit like the sea and that. Innit?

-And where's your daughter?

-Oh, how rude of me. Hannah, this is...

-Harry.

-Harry, from the cafe. Harry, meet Hannah.

And where's your other daughter, Carol?

-Er, what?

-Must be off. Lots to see. Sea, get it?

Mum, did you tell him Carol was your daughter?

Course not! Silly.

-Ah, there she is. Hello, Carol.

-No, no, he must've...

He must've seen us eating together and just assumed.

-And you let him?

-Hannah! I promise you, it meant nothing.

-Yeah, right, you really do love Carol more than me.

-How can you say that?

Although, I bet Carol wouldn't embarrass her mother like this in public.

I can't believe I even gave you a second chance!

If you love Carol so much, why don't you just adopt her?

So, this is your daughter.

Yeah, I might've known.

I think you'd better leave.

-PHONE RINGS

-Answer! Please!

PHONE RINGS

Speak up, Ben, I can't hear you.

The car! They've ruined the car!

What do you want me to do about it?

Have you got any doors for a red Nissan?

Ian, have we got any doors for a red Nissan?

No, but look, we've got blue wing mirrors for an Audi.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

New plan! Why don't we leave it how it is and then when the man gets here, we'll explain...

-Oh, no.

-What do you think?

I think we're going to prison.

Back a bit! Back a bit!

We'll soon have this heap cleared away for you.

Thanks. I'm sure Mum will appreciate it.

-What are we going to do now?

-Peg it!

-If anyone asks, we'll just say the last time we saw it, everything was OK.

-All right.

Hi! How did the car washing go?

-Brilliant!

-Outstanding!

-Nothing bad happened.

-We made £5.

Great. You'll be able to start paying me back for the microwave.

DOOR CLOSES

Water creatures! Don't worry, Simon, I'll protect you.

In case I don't come back, you can have my spaghetti hoops.

CLATTERING

-All right, Louie?

-You survived?

How was the gallery?

Let's just say it was an experience. Dinner is served.

-DOOR BUZZER

-Charlie, door.

-You!

-That's a nice suit.

-Where's my car?

I come back from the shops and it's gone.

Erm, it was fine the last time we saw it.

-Er, I'm just scratching my nose cos it's itchy.

-What's going on?

Right, these kids were going to clean my car.

I come back from the shops and it's gone.

There is paint all over the place and these leading from my drive to your front door.

-Charlie?

-It's obvious where they came from, isn't it?

How can I steal a car? I'm only ten.

-I can't even drive.

-That's true. I've seen him. He's awful.

-What?

-OK, OK, Helen, I'll handle this.

Look, my son might not be an angel

but I saw him washing those cars earlier on and he did an excellent job.

So I suggest you call the police rather than come round here accusing him!

Dad's right. Probably just car thieves. I heard there's some in the area.

-Well, maybe I've been a bit hasty.

-Apology accepted.

Ben, I've got that door you were after.

I've never seen him before in my life.

A red Nissan. As luck would have it, one came in just after you called.

A red Nissan? Hang on a minute.

-That's my conference pass!

-It could be anyone's.

And my driver's licence.

-And a photo of my wife!

-She's bonny.

-Where's my car?

-Calm down. It's back at the yard.

It was clean before they crushed it.

You owe me five quid.

How can this be right? Cleaning everyone's shoes for a month?

And for what? For trying to start a successful business that would've employed hundreds!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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