Valentine All At Sea

So I'm in the park and I see him sailing

this around the pond.

TOOTHBRUSH VIBRATES

Is that my toothbrush?

Correctimundo.

I was studying motors,

because when I grow up, I want to be a motorist?

Oh... Well, I'm going to buy a new toothbrush

with your pocket money.

Punishing me for studying? You can't do that.

-It's a travesty...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Charlie, get the door.

Mum, can you iron this?

I want it tomorrow for Valentine's Day.

Aw, sweet!

You'll be my Valentine's, won't you, Mum?

Of course!

Not Dad's.

In here.

Mr Tipton, for the Valentine's package?

And this is Molly.

Ah, the antiques man!

-Something I would quite like you to have a look at.

-Kevin...

Got it from a jumble sale. Pretty sure it's Spanish Armada.

No, it's a beer bottle.

Early '20s, Northrup and Sons.

You can tell by the bevelled edge.

Oh, that's disappointing.

Worth a try. The right bottle can fetch up to 15,000.

Right, shall I show you to your room?

Oh, there's some complimentary chocolates in the room. Handmade.

Lovely!

And tomorrow night, your Valentine's feast

will be served in the guest lounge.

-Really looking forward to it.

-It's and Italian themed feast.

Candles, opera playing quietly,

Prosciutto...

Sounds wonderful. So... erm...?

Oh, your room! Yes, the Hawthorn.

Multo bellissimo!

Oh, Valentine's card.

Don't let me see, I want to enjoy it fresh in the morning.

-It's for Hannah.

-Oh.

Well, remember last year she didn't get a card,

and it was a month of tears and slamming doors.

So, I thought, to be on the safe side...

Your eyes are like maths class.

I get totally lost in them.

I'm quite pleased with that.

Is this a good idea, though, giving her false hope?

Not that there's anything wrong with her.

She'll find someone, won't she? Eventually.

I can, literally, feel myself relaxing.

It's the sea air. Wonderful.

What? Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Finally, what took you so long?

I've got things to do, I can't be waiting around here.

OK, why are you in our room?

To show him all those.

Antiques.

But how can you tell if you don't even look?

These bottles, they could be priceless! They could be...

Good night.

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Ooh! I got a card!

Mum...

"Dear Hannah... Your eyes are like maths class.

"I get totally lost in them."

That's witty! Tom's so cute!

Tom?

Yeah. My boyfriend.

I mean, only since Tuesday, but you can just tell, can't you?

He really gets me.

-Right.

-Hannah, visitor.

Tom! I got your card - so cute.

No...this is from me.

-Oh. Right.

-OK.

Oh...a really nice...thin chain.

It will always remind you of me.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

"Hannah, I could swim in the eyes of you."

That's the sound of awkward.

Come on.

See? You see? Your card's made Tom look bad.

Well, "Roses are red Violets are blue"...

that's just lazy.

Anyway...

Happy Valentine's day.

Really?

Aw! It's the X-21!

I knew you wanted it.

That's lovely. Wish I'd got you something now.

I got you a card.

Ah, thanks, Louie.

Aw, sweet.

Is that our wedding photo? Did you cut me out?

With scissors.

-Bit odd.

-I think it's lovely.

And beggars can't be choosers.

Of course I've got you something! I am only teasing.

It's here...

In the, erm...

In the, erm... I got perfume!

Well, I'm sure it'll turn up when you have been to the chemist.

No, I have, I have! I've got you a present.

I love you, Mum.

You've such a lovely wrist.

Wonder who sent that other card.

I think it might be Dave Claxton, he always gets lost in maths.

Phew! Lucky I'm not paranoid.

Yeah...

When you're taking off a plaster,

do you peel it slowly or just rip it off?

Rip it. Hurts less in the end.

All right. I'm dumping you.

What?

Sorry. It's the chain, it's just depressing.

I want to tell you how precious every day has been...

You all right?

-SPEAKING TO HIMSELF:

-Yes, I am, how are you?

Look, a real grappling hook,

like Churchill used at Trafalgar.

I told you, it was Nelson at Trafalgar.

If you forget again - disciplinary action.

You're...cleaning?

Got to. We can't get all this to the B&B,

so we clean up, take proper photos, show them to the antiques guy

with my dad's new camera.

The X-21. That is an awesome piece of kit.

Yeah, we tried it. Takes great photos.

I can't believe he lent it to you.

I thought we agreed, no more borrowing.

We are just using it to take photos, we'll take it back.

Really? And what if you nudge that oar,

it topples onto the shelf,

one of them bottles comes flying and smashes the camera?

Probability - teeny.

Could happen. I feel anxious.

Fine, I'll move the oar!

Right, Ben, where's safe to put this?

THEY GASP

Now look what you've done!

There you go. I told you I got you a present.

I'm going to need safety goggles to open that.

It is...

L'Espere - your favourite. I found it in the bin.

I think Louie dumped it.

Your little rival. He's so sweet.

Yeah...

Anyone phone for me?

No.

Are you sure? I'm expecting a call from whoever sent this.

Well, a card doesn't necessarily mean a phone call.

He might want to stay as your secret admirer.

More romantic that way.

Nah, he'll call.

The guy who sent this, he really gets me.

Hear that? He really gets her.

But what about Tom? You're going to the party with him, aren't you?

Nah, I dumped him.

I mean Tom was all right,

but this guy - he's way better.

See, the thing is, Hannah...

..I sent that card.

Yeah, right.

I just didn't want it to be like last year -

no cards and you feeling like the troll's ugly sister.

Your words.

But I dumped Tom. The only boy I've ever loved!

-But you said...

-You've ruined it.

You've literally ruined my life.

Well...a certain person did say

the card wasn't a good idea.

But-but instead of gloating, he's going to help fix that.

Come here you. You big softie.

Fix-y, fix-y.

Brilliant, you've done it, Ben!

I will check it works.

You idiot.

I'm not the one who smashed it with an oar!

Hey, stop fighting, start focusing.

The mission has changed.

She's right. We need to get Dad a new camera.

How are we going to do that, rob a post office?

That is not a suggestion.

OK, so we get the antiques bloke down here.

He tells us which of this lot is worth thousands,

we sell it, buy Dad a new camera.

-Job done.

-Outstanding!

-BOTH:

-Boom...

Is it just me or is this celebration a bit premature?

All right? Lovely day, isn't it?

How do you do? I'm Ben.

We have come into possession, by legal means,

of several valuable artefacts.

Sorry, what?

We've got some really brilliant stuff,

like Nelson's grappling hook.

We need you to come with us. Assess the situation on the ground.

I'm busy.

Too busy to get rich?

Too busy to be a millionaire?

-Too busy to...

-I'm busy! Just go away!

I'm sorry, I'm just really stressed.

I'm proposing to my girlfriend.

It's all right, we understand.

We get loads of blokes proposing here.

Really?

Yeah. We helped one last week.

We got loads of kids to lie down on the beach

so it spelled out "I love you" in giant letters.

She was dead impressed. She said yeah.

I didn't realise people went to so much trouble...

Seaside proposal - you've got to make it special.

I did see this French film - Le Lapin Douloureux.

You've seen it?

Chap hides a ring in a sand castle,

then sits next to it with his fiancee

and then she finds the ring by accident.

Brilliant! Ben - he's good at making sandcastles.

He can even do towers and drawbridges. Can't you, Ben?

Erm...

With the right equipment.

Yes, that sounds really good.

We'll head down to the beach, put the ring in the castle.

You bring your lady down there.

So...I have to give you the ring?

Yeah. We're really, really careful.

We're famous for it.

(Be a great story for your kids.)

OK...but I'm trusting you.

Don't worry. You won't regret it.

If this works, we should get a nice turret effect.

Pathetic! How are you brilliant at building sand castles?

I didn't say that! You did.

We're on the clock, people. Subject's ETA - eight minutes.

Here. I'll do it.

Beautiful(!)

It looks like something out of a fairytale.

At least it's done.

I thought the plan was to make him something beautiful,

so that he'd come look at our antiques.

And what have we made?

A sand pimple.

All right, we'll find him, take him to the den before he sees this.

Alison, you guard the ring.

Roger that.

Anyone comes close, they won't even have time to scream.

We'll go for a long walk down the beach. Sound good?

Yeah, wonderful.

Look, it's that odd boy from the B&B.

-I'll just go and say hello.

-What?!

So...have you built the castle?

Yeah, erm... Alison's just finishing it now.

We need about 20 minutes.

All right, I'll take Molly for a drink.

What? No! I've got a well better idea.

Come on, I'm taking you on a tour of the best places in Scarborough.

Er, sorry, but we're busy.

What? No, your fella thinks it's a great idea. Don't you?

Sound like it could be fun.

Really?!

Come on!

So, erm, here you have the North Sea.

Just over there, you've got your France, your Norway...

and if you follow me right over here...

you have the world's biggest fishing nets...

Tom. Tom.

I understand you and Hannah had a bit of a disagreement.

She dumped me.

Yeah, well, I think she now thinks that was a terrible mistake.

And she would love if you would take her to the party tonight.

Too late. Ingrid Eriksen asked me to go with her and I said yes.

Well, listen, what about if I helped you out?

You could have a lovely date, maybe go to a restaurant.

You'll pay me to go out with Hannah?

No! No! No! That's not what I meant.

I'm not a bag of sugar!

I can't be bought and sold, I have feelings.

No! No! No! I'm sensitive, too, Tom.

I am sensitive, too.

PHONE RINGS

Ingrid, you won't believe this...

And over here, we have a, sort of, museum.

Don't worry - it's free in.

I am not going in there.

Maybe we can go to the beach now.

Yeah, we will. After the museum.

Come on, let's go.

I'll just have a quick peek inside.

Simon!

Now listen here...

This is the stuff I told you about.

What stuff?

You brought me here on purpose? That's not the plan.

It'll just take a few minutes.

Just find something worth a few hundred quid.

OK, what about...this?

Belonged to a real Roman galley.

Scarborough Rowing Club.

Oh. OK, maybe not.

An ancient net that belonged to a sea king.

It's made of plastic. Please, just take me to the beach.

OK, em...

Ah! My best thing.

A proper grappling hook from Trafalgar.

Don't be ridiculous.

Well, now that I look at it,

it looks like...17th century...

Oh... What's it worth?

£1,200.

Jackpot.

Hi, Dad.

I've decided to get back with Tom.

I am not sure that's a good idea.

There's a darkness about him.

Cool!

No, it is not cool, there's...

Right, look, I didn't want to tell you this,

but I went for a walk earlier on, down the seafront,

to stretch my legs, I find the fresh air...

What is your point?

OK, I saw Tom and Ingrid Eriksen...

..holding hands,

sharing a cone - a raspberry ripple.

What?!

How could she? She's supposed to be my friend.

Wait! That means she's split up with Dave.

And he's the one I really like.

And this is the beach...

-Alison?

-Where is she?

-I will always remember this beach.

-Alison?! Alison?!

Alison?!

THEY SCREAM

Camouflaged foxhole -

before you see it, you're already dead.

Right, so where's the castle?

It's right over...

I got distracted digging in.

I failed, I've let the unit down.

Sorry, kids, which one's your castle?

Could be this one?

It might that one...

What about this one? This one?

No, too good.

What about over here?

One of these. Maybe that one?

Oh, hang on, I know.

-That one?

-Could be this one.

-It could be one of these?

-Maybe that one?

Simon, please, I just want to go.

All right, love.

I'll see you back at the B&B.

But what about our walk?

To be honest, I fancy a bit of a dig.

Are you coming or not?

Probably leaning towards...not.

You little...

A real 17th-Century grappling hook.

I'll give it to you for 1,200.

It's not a toy, it's a real grappling hook. Watch.

If I can't get the money, I've got no choice.

I know. You'll have to tell your dad you broke the camera.

What? No! I'll have to make him think Louie broke it.

Simon! Please! What are you doing?

This is supposed to be our weekend.

Just a few more minutes.

There's something here, I can feel it.

SHE GROANS

Dave! Dave!

-Hey.

-You all right?

Ingrid - she just dumped me.

Oh, brilliant! Do you want to go to the Valentine's party with me?

Yeah, I'd love to. I've always liked you, Hannah.

PHONE CHIRPS

And I'd get the 50 quid?

Huh?

There's a message going round

says your dad will pay 50 to anyone who takes you out.

What?!

PHONE CHIRPS

50...? But it's not even true. It's rubbish.

All right, I'll take you for 40.

No!

30, but that's it. I don't want to look desperate.

SHE GROANS

SHE GROANS

I think I've got the best hair out of everyone.

Yeah...

It's cos I put the time in. I make the sacrifices.

What's that?

You hid that for me?

That is so romantic!

Bye, Ingrid.

Good luck with the hair.

Tom? Tom!!

SHE GROANS

Hi, Louie.

I'm going to ask Mum

to have a special Valentine's hot chocolate with me.

Good idea, she'll like that.

It's romantic. Dad's not romantic.

No, but still, I'd run downstairs and ask her before he does.

You're right. Thanks, Charlie.

I'll stash this under his pillow.

Evidence planted - excellent.

Great. Let's toss another log on to the bonfire of shame.

THEY LAUGH

Mum, can we have a special hot chocolate for Valentine's Day?

Just the two of us.

Aw. I can't, Louie.

I have to nip to Amici's and collect some food.

That's very sad.

Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?

But don't you worry, Louie,

because me and your mum will have a lovely hot chocolate later,

when you've gone to bed.

-Kevin.

-I am sorry,

but he's challenging my role as alpha male.

What are we, huskies?

In case you've been wondering where I've been,

I've been out all day at the park.

-Right, I'm off out.

-See ya.

Playing football.

That's why I've been out all day, and not here at all.

Why is everyone's saying you offered Tom 50 quid to take me out?

What? No! No!

It was 20.

What?!

Not as payment or a bribe. It was spending money, you know?

What have you done? You have literally ruined my life!

Hannah? Hannah? I know what you're thinking.

"This is a huge deal, no-one's going to speak to me again,

"I'll end up alone in a bedsit, hunched over a one-bar fire,"

but look, if/when that happens, you could still be happy.

Cos it's all in here, isn't it?

Molly's gone.

She left a note that just says, "Goodbye, Simon."

Goodbye, Simon.

It's probably for the best. She seemed a bit grumpy.

Where are your parents? I'll tell them what you've done.

Out...till late.

I'll wait.

Might as well.

You probably wouldn't catch her now, anyway.

She said something about catching the last train.

When does it leave?

Ten minutes. You won't catch her now...

unless you really run.

You'll be hearing from me.

Who was that?

Just some bloke collecting for something.

-I told him to get lost.

-Good lad.

-HANNAH:

-It's trending! It's trending!

It's all go, isn't it?

Offering him money! What were you thinking?

Hannah's fine. A good cry can be really healthy.

Anyway, forget about that. Look at this. How romantic.

Where are they? We said dinner at six.

It's their weekend away, just let them relax.

What, with 30 quid's worth of food going dry in the oven?

I don't think so.

No. No, you can't... Helen!

They're not here.

I don't believe it.

They've done a runner.

No number. They planned this all along.

I knew there was something off about that bloke. His eyes...

Yeah, he is mid to late 20s,

average height, wearing beige trousers

and some kind of shirt.

Oh, and shoes, he was wearing shoes. OK, thank you, Officer.

You called the police?

Had to. Tipton, he's stolen my new camera.

I don't believe this.

I wonder what my life will be like now...

staying in for ever.

I'll be like that old lady in the book...

with the wedding dress and the gone-off cake.

Mum, I've never seen you look so beautiful.

-Yes. Yes, I was thinking that.

-I said it.

Thank you, Louie.

Ooooh.

Look at the time, Louie. Probably time you went to bed now.

He's trying to get rid of me.

Go on, I'll come up and read you a story.

And will you bring hot chocolate for just for two of us?

Oh, come on.

Course.

This is probably how serial killers get started.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, who's that now?

It's the police.

They've caught the bad man who ran away.

Brilliant!

And then I gave the ring to him.

What ring? I didn't see a ring.

You little...

Why would anyone give a valuable ring to a kid he's never met before?

Specially one like me.

He's got a fair point.

And if he's innocent, why run off?

-I think you better come down the station, sir.

-No, please.

Why are you doing this to me?

Tom got bored of Ingrid.

Hannah, we're right in the middle of something...

But, Mum, look. Look what he bought me!

It must have cost a fortune.

Worth every penny, if it makes you happy.

-That's it! That's my ring! What?

-Own that ring too, do you?

He's off his rocker.

There's an inscription on the inside.

"Simon and Molly - always and for ever."

He's right.

Tom?

Sorry. Found it on the beach.

Tom, I am leaving you for Dave Claxton.

I found this underneath my pillow.

-That's my camera.

-So, Mr Tipton didn't steal it?

-Louie, you broke Dad's camera.

-I did not!

Louie, that was a gift from your mum,

a symbol of our love, and you had to go and break it?!

-Kevin!

-Well, look at it, the back is hanging off.

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! There's some photos on here.

You've left a trail of little breadcrumbs, my friend.

Charlie?

Charlie!!

How can this be right?

Clean the beach every day for a month. And for what?

For being interested in antiques.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!