Chicken All At Sea

Eggs from our very own chickens.

Look at the colour of the yolks.

It's like a golden sunset.

Let me just show you. Let me take that a second. No. Just need this.

Hear that? That is like the door of a German car.

Kevin, have you got a minute?

A little bit of information on Happy Sun Farm,

where we got the chickens from.

-Quite famous, actually. in chicken circles.

-Kevin?!

Business - always gets in the way, doesn't it? Enjoy.

What? I think it's good to let them know we serve our own organic eggs.

I think they got that from your three hour lecture last night.

And watch this. Louie, tell your dad what you're doing.

I'm learning how to speak to our chickens.

Like Dr Dolittle.

No, I don't think you can actually understand chickens.

I can. They mostly talk about food.

See? That's you that is.

You and your non-stop chicken chat.

-We got any glue?

-For what?

Ben, he's making a Viking scrapbook.

Oh, for your tour with the Scouts. Hang on.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You've joined the Scouts?

No, Ben has. But they said I can go on their Viking tour.

I missed it when the school went.

You didn't miss it, did you?

You were banned for bringing the sledgehammer.

I was being Thor, the Viking god! It was educational, it was...

Charlie!

Oh! Look at that. Nutritional gold.

Literally. Organic eggs are like three quid for six. Right, Dad?

-See? Charlie's taking a healthy interest.

-There you go.

Oooh, you look nice!

Given up trying to look cool? Good decision.

No. It's for my new job, duh!

Retail executive at Elgo Stores.

It's going to be high pressure.

Making snap decisions, leading my team.

Hannah, Hannah, it's a part-time job in a supermarket.

Which you're only doing to pay for those shoes that you want.

Two hundred quid for a pair of shoes,

what are they made of, unicorn skin?

Zing!

But they'll pay me more if I've got great ideas,

like a street dance flash mob in fruit and veg.

Laters.

It's hard to believe, isn't it? Her first job.

Well, that's the cycle of life, isn't it?

All the chicks eventually leave the nest.

LOUIE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

All being well.

You're looking very regal today, Bessie.

Eh? What's that, Charlotte? Don't you start getting jealous.

What was that? No, I don't know the football scores.

THROAT CLEARING

John.

Kevin. Thought I'd pop across and have a look.

Little chat, you know, it soothes them.

No need to explain. I do the same thing with mine.

You've got chickens?

I didn't get the idea from you,

it's something I've been planning for ages.

Right. Yeah.

Got ten nice birds.

Just two more than you.

What breed are yours?

-Red Leghorn.

-Oh, yes.

Good bird, yeah. We had one for lunch yesterday. Only cost us £3.99.

Mine are purebred Delawares.

Bessie over there, my prize hen.

She has got a family tree that stretches

all the way back to the '80s.

I'm not obsessed with it. There's more to life than chickens.

-I better go.

-Yeah.

Red Leghorns! They must have seen you coming.

What are you feeding them?

Add a bit of poo.

Poo successfully applied.

What you doing with your sleeve? It's only toothpaste.

I don't want to leave any fingerprints.

It's not funny! This is fraud!

How is it fraud?

We went to the shop and we bought some cheap eggs.

And we're going to sell them for four times the price!

That! That's the fraud!

And where are we supposed to have got organic eggs?

We'll say we're from a farm.

People won't believe that!

-We've got city hands! Soft, pampered...

-Not me.

I've toughened them by soaking them in vinegar for two hours every day.

-Ben, they'll believe us because we'll have proof.

-Proof?

See? Proof!

Come on, Bessie, we are going for a lovely day out.

Hey! I'm the new retail executive.

And...?

I need you to go and get your manager,

cos me and him we got to talk ideas.

Or her, I'm not sexist.

I've got an idea.

No-one's interested.

Get those beans and make them into a tower.

14 tins high, 14 tins round.

Mate, I'm your new boss.

You just talked yourself into a Saturday night shift.

No, you're a retail executive. Like them.

Where as I am a...?

Senior retail executive?

That's right. So, I'm the zookeeper and you're the...?

Monkey.

-Lovely organic eggs for sale, Missus, right here!

-No.

It's all in a good cause. We're trying to raise enough money

so we can keep Neddy, our old sick donkey.

Otherwise we'll have to terminate him.

"Terminate"? We're supposed to be farmers!

Says the one dressed like an armed robber!

Stop arguing! We've supposed to look friendly!

Lovely organic eggs for sale!

Lovely organic eggs, Missus, come and grab your lovely organic eggs!

Organic eggs for sale, right over here!

Yeah? What? But where has Bessie gone?

She's run away? But why?

Why would she do that?

That's not true!

Tins nicely lined up. Good work.

You're only doing the ones in front?

No-one can see what's behind!

Pretend I'm a customer.

What a nice display of beans!

Think I'll take one of those.

They haven't done the ones behind!

That's not the Elgo Stores I know.

Think I'll take my shopping somewhere else.

See? You just lost us a customer.

Probably for the best. She seems like a right nutter.

It was a man. So, take this down and do it again.

The shoes. Just think of the shoes.

I wouldn't buy eggs from us.

We're not right - people can sense it.

-That sounds like a mutiny.

-Absolutely not!

I am completely committed to the platoon... Unit... Whatever.

No. Sorry ,I got to go, there's some kids selling eggs.

Lovely organic eggs, sir. Nutritional gold.

I'm catering an organic growers convention tomorrow.

Do you do quantity?

Yeah, as many as you like, sir.

1,000? 300 quid?

Done! We'll even clean off all the chicken poo and feathers.

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

What? Dad said we can take any order up to 5,000, remember.

Yeah, but you know Dad?

He doesn't really think things through, does he?

-So what time you want them for?

-By three. That's the address.

Are you out of your mind?

Where are we going to get 1,000 eggs?

We'll use the money for the Viking tour.

You mean not go on the tour? Lie to our parents?

Lie to the Scouts?!

The tour sounds rubbish.

Affirmative.

I rang ahead to see if I could try out a real Viking axe.

Permission denied.

How surprising.

Anyway we better go. I've got to get Bessie...

Bessie? Bessie?!

Oh, we've got to find her!

Bessie?! Bessie?!

Bessie?! Bessie, Bessie, Bessie, Bessie?!

-Hope Hannah's all right. I might pop in and check on her.

-No need.

She's like a Cobham Blue, that one. All spiky and independent.

Seriously? Now you're comparing our daughter to a chicken?

Are you all right, Louie?

Bessie's run away. She said she didn't feel loved.

But I loved her.

Your fault. You fix him.

Eh?

Unbelievable. We've been outmanoeuvred by a chicken.

I'm so dead.

-You'll be grounded. We'll have to drop the 1,000-egg plan.

-Yeah.

No!

If we sell the eggs tomorrow, we'll have 300 quid.

We can buy a new bird like Bessie!

Too late. Your dad will see she's gone by tomorrow.

Not if he's temporarily paralysed by a poison dart.

Or we could just keep him away from the chickens.

I suppose.

All right, let's try this. I'm a little old lady...

Lovely day, isn't it?

Yeah, all right.

You scanned that twice! What are you, thick?

She's a difficult customer.

I'll reverse it.

Three avocados! I'm being mugged!

In broad daylight, I'm being mugged!

Maybe if I press this.

You haven't got a clue!

I want to see the manager!

Please, be quiet!

Ooooh, listen to her! Giving me orders now!

And I've just had me veins done!

Why? Why are you doing this to me?

I don't think you're check-out material.

Hi, Dad. I've fed the chickens, you don't need to bother.

Aw. Thanks, Charlie.

I just need to clean out the coop. Bit of a nasty job.

-I'll do it!

-Yeah?

Yeah. I love working with the chickens. Makes me feel,

sort of, erm...happy.

Aw. That's lovely. But you need special safety equipment, so...

I know, so Ben said he would lend me his.

Sealable hazmat suit with goggles and a very reliable respirator.

Got them for Christmas.

He's worried about global pandemics.

I'm not - I'm looking forward to them.

Right. OK. Make sure you get all the poop.

-Nightmare! I can't believe we have to clean their poo.

-We?

I couldn't even do the simplest things.

I was like the village idiot.

I'll check in on you tomorrow, I promise.

Mum, do you think I might be stupid?

No! No. It takes time to settle into a new job.

Charlie! What you been doing? Shoes!

Cleaning out the chickens.

The amount they poo, it's not normal.

An elephant wouldn't...

Just clean your shoes! And wash your hands!

Honestly, those chickens, they're more trouble than they're worth.

Listen, often the people who struggle at first,

it's because they're really learning things deeply.

And in the end, they turn out to be the best.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You wait, another couple of days they'll be grooming you

for management.

Thanks, Mum.

I'm definitely smarter than some of the others.

I mean, this one girl thought an aubergine was a kind of vegetable!

CHICKENS CLUCKING

What? That's crazy! How can she get to France?

Louie, you do know you can't actually have a conversation

with them?

I can. But you're not going to like this.

Bessie's gone to France.

No, Louie, Bessie's... Bessie's, erm...

Bessie... She is right, er... BESSIE!

Now one's gone missing? I'm getting fed up with these chickens.

Maybe she tunnelled out.

Filled it in behind her?

No, this is Royce, this.

What? Why would Mr Royce...

Because he couldn't stand it!

Me having a hen as beautiful as Bessie!

Now you're being ridiculous!

Actually, I did see Mr Royce hanging about the gate earlier.

-You see? You see?

-That doesn't prove anything!

-Just drop it, Kevin.

-OK.

-Kevin!

Bessie? Bessie? Bessie?

Bessie?

Kevin?

Just having a look.

Well, I'm happy to show you later.

Right now, I'm in the middle of dinner.

I printed some photos of Bessie.

What's the point?

Mr Royce did not eat Bessie!

They were having chicken for dinner - so what?

You weren't there!

That wasn't a dinner, he was sending me a message.

I'll talk to all the animals. We'll find Bessie if she's alive.

And not got the ferry.

I need some money for the Scouts tour.

I'll drop you at the bus.

You're busy. I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

It's not for you, it's for me.

I need to get out of here and see some normal people.

Great.

I want you to know, I'm going to try harder.

Good. Cos we just got an call from corporate.

All the towers we made yesterday?

-They want to change them into pyramids.

-What?

So, you're going to have to take them all down and rebuild them.

No! Please don't make me do that!

With corners.

If you see her, bring her down to my house. OK?

Get the word out. Tell the cows, tell everyone.

There's a reward.

A can of sardines.

Bye, Mum! You can go now, we're properly supervised.

-I'll just say hello to Ben and Alison.

-No! We've got to go.

-Hiya! Looking forward to the Vikings?

-Affirmative.

Yeah, sounds like a lovely trip.

You better go, Mum.

If we pull out at the same time as you there could be an collision.

Are you embarrassed to be seen with your mum? Here you are.

Go on, have a good time.

-See you later!

-Bye, Mum.

Go on, drive. Drive.

Finally!

Right, money.

My dad gave me that. His eyes were so full of trust.

There's something wrong with you!

Right, come on, supermarket's this way.

Nightmare, isn't it?

Hannah? Hannah?

We need to buy 1,000 eggs.

Last thing I need is one of your stupid wind-ups.

Get lost before I call security.

-Everything OK?

-Some kids. They were just...

Buying 1,000 eggs.

-And she said she'd give us a discount.

-I didn't.

Taking the initiative. I like it.

Show us the money.

We doing this or what?

Bye-bye, now! Have a great day!

Right, you lot, gather round. Gather round.

Hannah has only been here a day and she just closed a major sale.

Off her own bat!

She has put the "go" into Elgo!

Hannah's inspired me to inspire you!

So, after your shift,

I'll be giving a talk on creating sales opportunities.

You needn't come, Hannah, you know it already.

Yes, Tiff, it is compulsory.

No, you won't be getting paid.

-We'll put the eggs in these.

-Is that hygienic?

-Doesn't matter. They like a bit of muck, the organic people.

-Uh-oh.

They've stamped the eggs? What kind of idiot stamps eggs?

One who wants to protect the public from people like us.

It'll rub off?

-Negative on that.

-Great.

So, other kids get to learn about the Vikings

while we get to spend some quality time with our old friend, failure.

We'll paint over the stamp so he can't see it!

Don't be ridiculous!

We can't paint over 1,000 eggs in two hours!

We have to! Otherwise we'll lose three hundred quid!

My cousin Ava is having a birthday party.

There'll be lots of kids - a full platoon!

-You mean...?

-Reinforcements.

Or as the police call it - kidnapping.

-Hi, Ava.

-Alison. My mum said you're not invited cos of last time.

I'm only here to take you to your birthday surprise.

Everybody - fall in!

-But Mum's bringing the cake out.

-Exactly.

So, we've got five minutes to get your surprise and get back, OK?

So - forward march!

Come on, then. And by the way, I'm Jim.

Ava? Ava?!

They've gone with Alison.

Bet she'll make them ambush the petrol station again.

I told corporate about your sale, they are very impressed.

You're on the map now. Any more ideas, let me know.

Em... What about a pyramid of tins, but circular?

I see what you're saying. Combine the tower with the pyramid.

Something different, innit?

Right, you lot! Hannah's had an idea!

I want you to redo all the pyramids, but circular.

As in no corners.

Got to keep it simple for them.

Remember - the one that does the most eggs gets the best surprise!

Has everyone got an egg?

Permission to speak, number three.

Is the best surprise one of those toy robot horses that talk?

Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is.

Nice work, number six.

The rest of you better hurry up, or number six will get the horse!

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Come on, kids! Let's get you back to your lovely party!

Uh-oh, hostile at four o'clock.

Mum! They made us work for nothing!

See, I can explain.

We were trying to teach the kids the value of teamwork.

Three o'clock. We made it!

Just about.

Rob! Get six dozen eggs on for the salad! Yes, Chef.

Right. 20, 40, 60, 80...

Look - the paint!

We need to evac.

Pigs to feed at 1,600.

We've got to PAINT the barn.

You know, because the PAINT is coming off.

Oh, right, yeah. Have you got our money,

cos we need to go!

I've just got the £240...

£240 is fine.

Oi, Chef.

What's...?

Just organic chicken poo.

"Elgo's Stores"?

Bessie?!

Someone brought her back to the farm. We knew she was yours from the tag.

-Did a donkey bring her?

-What?

He said he would.

Thank you.

Bad girl, where have you been?

A hovercraft? Oh, Bessie!

Still warm from the coop. Magical.

Lovely.

Yeah, we haven't had quite as many eggs lately.

Not since er... Not since our best layer...was murdered!

-Put that away!

-That? Her name is Bessie!

And I found her poor broken body in his bin!

You've been rooting in my bins? He's gone mad!

-Have I? Have I really?

-Yes!

Or maybe I am the only one with the courage to say...

-Look who's back!

-Bessie! Bessie!

She was trying to get the hovercraft to France.

I'm so sorry about this, John.

Well, I should think so.

I come round here, I'm accused of all sorts.

I've a good mind to take steps.

Here. Our way of an apology.

No! No! No!

Yes. Apology accepted.

I'll go get her settled in. Bye!

Bessie! My Bessie, how could you?

It's for your own good.

You and Bessie, it's not a healthy relationship.

That's not fair! We just wanted to be left alone.

Right, come on, let's go and get Charlie from the Scouts.

Bessie told me she'll never forget you.

You're a good boy, Louie.

And she also said you had beautiful hands.

Too far. You've ruined it now.

It's just a bit weird.

Oh, Tiff, what are we going to do with you?

Base too narrow, sides too steep. Take it down, start again.

And your attitude? I'd like to see more smiles.

What...?

What you doing?

We've got to return these.

You can't return eggs. Especially not in dirty old boxes!

-Excuse me, ma'am, you need to move out of the way.

-No!

-Get off!

I'd help, but I'm weak-wristed.

You can't do this!

This place is a hellhole, my boss is a total idiot,

and selling these eggs is the only reason I'm not stacking tins

with all the other losers!

-Hannah?

-What?!

Oh! What I meant was, I love it here!

Let's put the "go" in Elgo!

You're fired!

No, you can't do this! My team - they'll be devastated!

Excuse me! We need to return these...

EGGS!

Oh, Kevin, love, it's a chicken.

Yeah, it is a chicken, but it's also a friend of mine.

Aaaaah!

-Aaaaah!

-Charlie?

Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad!

We got back a bit early, so we just stopped this trolley of eggs

going into that bus.

Of...different Scouts...that have just been on a different Viking Tour.

Oops.

How can this be right? Clean out the chickens for a month!

And for what? For trying to start my organic food business!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

-Charlie!

-Charlie!