Baby All At Sea

MUSIC PLAYS

A tie? Really?

Well, it's not every day you get asked to be a godfather.

I want to show the Ruddocks that I'm taking it very seriously.

Oh, they'll get that from the way you keep smiling serenely

like some saint.

Why do babies get christened?

Well, Louie, some people believe if that if you're baptised

and then live a good life, with proper guidance from adults

chosen because of their wisdom, their maturity...

Their planet-sized egos.

..then, when you die, you go to heaven.

What happens if you don't go to heaven?

Well, some people believe you go to hell

where you burn in agony for all eternity.

Kevin!

Them's the rules.

What you doing with that mustard?

Stupid food groups project. We've got to list the ingredients.

Well, don't get it on your good clothes.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! That'll be the Ruddocks! Charlie! The door!

Can't, Mum! I'm busy!

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

Alan! Sarah! Hello-o.

Hi, Helen! Kevin.

This must be Grace. Welcome, little one.

He's very excited about being godfather.

I've not seen him this chuffed since he won the egg and spoon race

at parents day.

Nice to have a joke, but it is an important role

and one I will take very seriously.

We knew you'd be the perfect choice, Kevin. ..Didn't we?

Look! I wore my suit just for your special day.

BOTH: Aw!

Come in, come in!

Charlie and Hannah will be down in a minute.

Mustard in a water pistol!

This is insane!

Watered down mustard. It's an invention.

Yeah, right up there with the concrete parachute.

We get ten of these, we can have our own paintball game.

A fiver in, we'll make a fortune!

Outstanding!

We need to test it.

Hit me.

But...what about your clothes?

My new shirt! I'm dead!

You're the science guy! Why didn't you warn me?

I did! What part of "insane" do you not understand?

But...we might be able to fix it with science.

Remember what Mr Dinsmore taught us in chemistry?

The home-made stain remover? It's called the Carruthers Compound.

It works on nearly anything.

And he made it with just a few normal foods.

Look! I was downloading a film and this came up!

I can't get rid of it!

Ooh! That's the Laughing Clown virus.

He laughs for a couple of hours, then wipes your hard drive.

Mum's new laptop! You're not allowed to use that! You're toast!

You can talk.

The clown, how do I get rid of him?

It's extremely difficult. You'll need an actual computer genius.

CLOWN LAUGHS

Jamie Stipe!

Stain remover! What do we need?

I'll check. But definitely ginger nuts.

I find they help with the stress.

Grace has launched her little boat

on the ocean of life.

Where there are many dangers, sharp rocks,

storms,

cannibals...

But what's this?

A kindly old lighthouse to show her the way, steering her to safety.

And that's me.

I am that lighthouse.

Th-that's really nice, Kevin.

Yes, yes, it is.

I'm just going to pop out for a bit.

Hannah, notice anything different about the room? Like our guests?

-All right?

-Hi, Hannah. Lovely to see you.

Hannah, you've got to be back by... Hannah!

-Ssh! You'll frighten the baby!

-All right!

Sorry. Sorry. She's fine, she's fine.

Not that I mind her crying. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Some people find it irritating, but to me

there's no sound more beautiful than the weeping of a small child.

-So back by 11:40 at the latest, OK?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Charlie! Where's your shirt?

I thought I'd leave it for church in case it got mucky.

Good idea! Very good! Right, now say hello to the Ruddocks.

-Can't, Mum. I'm really busy.

-Get in here now!

Hello, Charlie! Nice to see you.

Yeah.

You're, erm...cooking?

Yeah. School project about people who are starving to death

cos they don't have food like this.

That's wonderful!

-Yeah. Better crack on.

-Roger that.

-Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

-Oh, er...likewise.

He's really settled down.

BOTH: Yeah, yeah!

It's turning clear. That's a good sign.

I think we're ready for the first tests.

I've made a small jam stain on this.

Now, we just wait for a few minutes.

Who cares about tests? Let's just do it!

-What if...

-Uh!

I can't believe we're not doing proper tests.

Funny, there's a reckless side of me that's actually kind of enjoying it.

You've fixed it! You're a genius!

Just basic chemistry. I stand on the shoulders of giants.

ALL: Bah-woooom!

You have made it worse!

What have you done? You idiot!

I told you! I told you we weren't ready!

I don't have proper equipment! I don't have...

Hey! We want results, not excuses.

Non-performing personnel will be consequenced.

She means fix it!

Hi, Jamie! All right?

My lady...?

Still doing all that knight stuff then?

Brilliant! You know you're really good at computers...?

CLOWN LAUGHS

-I've got a virus.

-Ooh!

The Merry Jester - a most grievous ailment of the computational engine.

Wha'?

Please. The drawbridge is down, you may enter the castle.

CLOWN LAUGHS

Think you can fix it?

Verily.

But I ask a small boon in return.

That you shall be my lady at the tourney.

CLOWN LAUGHS

I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

Upon the hour, the knights of the realm gather at the castle.

You shall come as my lady.

I'd love to, but I don't have time.

If you could fix that then I'll come back...

It must be today

because then I will be the envy of all the other knights,

-even Martin Thompson.

-I don't have the clothes you see.

-Fear not!

A damsel's dress for a damsel in distress.

HE LAUGHS

CLOWN LAUGHS

11:10. If I put her down, she'll get nearly an hour.

I'll take her.

It's important Grace and I start the bonding process.

Thanks, Kevin. It's really nice, the way you're taking this on.

GURGLES AT BABY

BABY BREAKS WIND

Oh! Er...I think she needs...

I think she needs changing.

Nappies and wipes - they're in the red bag by the bed.

Oh, OK. Right. Yes...

Aw! Lovely, isn't it? You and Gracie...bonding.

Yay.

Oh, go on! I'll help. I can't resist those big, sad eyes.

The baby's, not yours.

Dad was right.

It says on the internet if you're bad, you go to hell.

Er...well, some people...

You have to be good, I don't want to be in heaven if you're not there.

Aw! Sweet!

If you have got to do something bad, get Dad to do it.

Silly! Then I won't be in heaven, will I?

Stinky nappy!

Take this, and pass me a clean one will you?

Just a second.

It's a nappy, not anthrax!

You've never understood! I've a weak stomach and the famous Enright nose.

-I am like a bloodhound.

-Just take it!

CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE WRETCHES

Stop it! You're going to frighten her!

You sound like a dying water buffalo!

He's a silly man, isn't he?

No! No! No! Sensitive, I'm like a racehorse.

It's a blessing and a curse.

He's a silly, silly man! Yes, he is.

The Carruthers compound,

it works by a sort of phase shift through the acid alkaline.

Ben! Tell us what's happening or I WILL hurt you.

The green, it fades away after 90 minutes taking the stain with it.

90 minutes! We'll be in the church by then!

Sorry, I should have spotted the time delay.

Didn't scroll down far enough.

Too lazy to scroll. You've got no chance when society collapses.

Maybe it'll wash off.

It won't. And if you try, it'll turn orange.

You see, it reacts with the oxygen...

I have no choice, I've got to try!

If my mum sees my shirt...

..I'm dead!

-Alison, get some water.

-Roger that!

Such a song and dance about changing one nappy!

No! Don't wash her with that!

-What? Why?

-Because it's not hygienic!

She's a baby, you can't use any old washcloth!

I have finished now anyway. Right, time for your nap now.

And henceforth,

you shall fight the mightiest battle you have ever fought.

And all for me.

The damsel. Are you ready?

KNIGHTS: Yes!

My goodly knights...

-It's a real girl!

-No!

She's wearing the Guinevere! You never let me wear it!

I told you. You're too big.

I am not big, I'm...willowy.

This is my Lady Hannah. She will be our Queen.

All right?

To thine service, I do pledge my sword.

To Queen Hannah.

ALL: Queen Hannah! Long live the Queen!

Long live the Queen!

Er...at ease.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hannah! Where are you?

Erm...kind of hard to explain.

We're leaving for the church in 20 minutes. Get back here!

-That might be slightly...

-Just come home!

All right, can we get on with it?

"Can we get on with it?"

Damsel! She doesn't have a clue!

Speak no ill of my lady!

For though thou art a maid, doubt not I will bash thee!

THEY ALL PROTEST

Maybe it'll be all right. Maybe Dad rinsed the washcloth.

Doubtful. He was under pressure, he wasn't thinking clearly.

It'll be fine.

Maybe just the faintest green tint, barely noticeable.

Yes! She's perfect!

Ssh! You'll frighten her!

Blanket's not in the regulation position.

Now look what you've done!

My parents will be so ashamed.

They bought me my first chemistry set

and I've used my knowledge for evil.

Can you fix her or not?

No way! Not before the christening.

The tabloids will love this.

"Evil Boy Scientist Creates Mutant Baby".

I've got it!

Your little brother, Jack, he's the same age as Grace, right?

-Bit older.

-That's it! We'll swap them!

Sorry? What?

We'll get Jack, bring him here,

put him in Grace's white dress and bonnet,

take him to the church for the christening.

Are you saying, christen the wrong baby?

Exactly. It'll be enough time for Grace to get back to normal.

Then we swap them back.

It's bold, it's unexpected, it's Hannibal crossing the Alps.

It's unexpected because it's insane!

We can't swap babies!

Why not? They all look the same.

Please, Charlie!

Let's just go down and make a clean breast of it.

OK, we'll have to accept our punishment, but in the long run...

SHE DIALS

It's astonishing. I'm always right, but...no-one ever listens.

Hi, Mum!

Remember you were saying Jack should go on more play dates?

Well, there's a cute little baby over at Charlie's...

You'll drop him over? Great.

We are go!

Back! You vile knave. Back, you low-born knave!

Eat my metal sword. Die! Back!

Tempus! Tempus!

My lady, it is not permitted to use sorcerer's engines during tourney.

Huh?

The engines of...the thing that is in thy hand.

My phone?

I know not this word. But set it to mute.

Look, I've got to bounce.

-If thou departest...

-I know, you can't fix my computer.

But I've really got to go.

If thou wishest.

But I just wanted to say I really enjoyed today.

It was great.

For real?

Yeah. Erm... are knights allowed out on dates?

I see no reason...

I was just going to say, we should go out some time, to the cinema.

I know not this word.

(But, yeah, definitely.)

Well, that's if I'm not grounded.

Oh! The engine of computation.

Yeah, my mum, the evil queen, she will lock me in a high tower

if she gets fed up for many weeks.

Cruel.

It would be because then we'd have to wait ages for our date.

Give it here.

I told Hannah to be back at 20 to. I mean, what is wrong with her?

Doh! That was for after lunch!

Don't worry about the sponge, Helen.

Lunch is about so much more than that.

It's a coming together, a...

I'll get it out the bin.

There we go. That's not that bad.

It's fine. It's fine. We'll just, erm...

cut slices from the good bit.

But it's dirty!

HE GROANS

-It's a sin!

-Ssh!

Why would you do this, Mum?

Why? Don't you want to go to heaven?

Brilliant! Him and Grace, they're almost identical.

Don't be ridiculous, he's almost twice her size!

It's like a chicken next to a turkey.

-Horsey.

-He talks! He actually talks!

Just some basic military terms. Jack, look!

Let's just get him in the christening outfit.

Hi, Dad!

What have you done?

What? Nothing! Actually, something really good.

Grace woke up, so I dressed her for the christening.

Right. Where is she?

I like to do these little things to help.

Charlie! Where is she?

Alison!

Who's that?

What are you on about? It's Grace!

Charlie, you've got three seconds.

All right. But Grace is fine. It's not as bad as it looks.

-Right, Ben?

-Horsey.

Of course. It's completely non-toxic.

She'll have a full recovery.

Non... What are you talking about?! Where is she?

Oh, she's perfectly fine!

Yeah...most of her.

Ooh! Wha...?!

-What?

-Ben - he tried to make a stain remover...

but it went a bit wrong.

We're going to have to wash it off!

It's a non-washable technology at this point.

Basically, we have to leave her like that for an hour

or she'll turn orange.

What kind of idiot paints a baby green?

One like you?

The washcloth in the bathroom... it was contaminated.

Yeah! That's right. You cleaned a little baby with a dirty washcloth.

Oh, I'm not a good man.

I've ruined my own goddaughter's christening!

Not necessarily.

See? The stain fades out perfectly.

-So...?

-So it's proof. Grace will go back to normal in an hour.

I need to stall the Ruddocks,

then they'll never know I can't be trusted!

Easy. Alison will ring the house.

You answer, pretend it's the vicar, say the christening's been delayed.

-Right?

-Me and Ben will nip down to the church,

tell the vicar the Ruddocks have been held up. Sorted!

Yes. Yes. That might just work!

Yes, Alison, ring the house phone in three minutes.

Roger that.

Do you really think the vicar will listen to us?

Nah, grown-ups never do, do they?

But we'll figure out a way to delay the christening.

It's my mum. I think she's going to hell.

Where's Grace?

She looks so peaceful I thought I'd let her sleep till we're all ready.

We are ready.

We're due at the church in 15 minutes.

Mm-hm.

Kevin, go and get Grace!

All right, all right! Oh, was that the phone?

Did anyone else hear the phone then? I'm sure...

Uh-oh, operational glitch. B&B house phone engaged!

I can't believe Hannah's not back! She is so grounded. Where's Charlie?

Where's the phone? Who has the phone?

And she lies, too. Do you think she'll go to hell?

-Louie! Get off the phone!

-Stop! I'm talking to Mrs Mullan.

-Your teacher?

-I'm trying to save your immortal soul.

Give me the... Give me!

Mrs Mullan! Yes, sorry about that. I know, he gets these ideas.

OK. You, too. Bye-bye.

OK. OK, Charlie! We're off now!

If there's anything you need to do, probably best to do it right now!

Kevin, what are you doing? Go and get Grace!

PHONE RINGS

Whah!

Hello? Ah, Vicar! How are you?

Oh. Oh, I see. Yes, well...

Not a problem, Vicar. Thank you for letting us know, Vicar.

Bye, Vicar.

-That was the vicar.

-You don't say!

There's been a bit of a backlog at the font

so they want us to wait for an hour.

Oh, well, never mind. Kevin can make us some sandwiches.

-And I've got a beautiful sponge.

-That sponge?

Or biscuits! I've got some biscuits too. Lovely biscuits!

Yes. So, sandwiches, we've got chicken, we have got ham.

Bread - we've got white, and green. BROWN!

Not green! Why did I say green? That's mad! Let's have a sandwich!

Ah, Mr And Mrs Royson, yes? And this is Oscar. Hello, Oscar.

What if we delay the vicar by drawing him

into a conversation about monastic bee-keeping in the Middle Ages?

What?

I know a lot about it. I can keep him talking for hours.

Just cause a distraction while I pour this in the font.

The stain remover! It will turn the baby's head green!

Exactly. And that should delay the christening for a bit.

-Charlie, I really don't...

-Distraction!

So, welcome, welcome. Let's begin.

We are gathered here to celebrate the christening of..

Oscar Royson and...

# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky

# The people far below are sleeping as we fly. #

-I'm sorry.

-Who are you?

I'm the singer from...Shrimpton's?

I didn't order a singer! Be quiet!

What are you...?

You! You're the boy that ruined that wedding!

Ben! Run!

Come back here! You little...!

Sarah, sandwiches!

I just want to check on Grace.

No! No! No! No! Best let her sleep.

Sorry...?

You know...Grace, it's a big day.

I think we it's best to let her sleep.

We have got some ham, chicken...

-Kevin, I want to wake her.

-No! No! I am the godfather.

I intend to do the right way, even if it's not popular.

No! No! My house, my rules, Sarah.

Come on, Charlie.

Begone, vile sprite!

You did it!

My lady, it does me good to see the sorrow leave your face.

Yeah...

So, later... the palace of magical pictures?

Sorry, Stipe, won't be happening.

First thing you've got to learn about damsels

is we're not to be trusted.

My lady, thou hast played me like a lute.

I don't know! He just said it had gone wrong!

-We need to run an extraction.

-Ssh-ssh! Someone's coming!

Fall back!

What did you say to Sarah? She's really quite upset.

I just thought it was best to leave Grace sleeping.

Denying her access to her own child!

They asked you to be godfather, not Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

No! No! No! No! Helen! No!

No! I am the godfather and I forbid you to wake Grace!

We are going to have a little chat later. Subject - you.

-Get out...

-No! No! No! No!

Helen, no! You will not enter.

Helen, it's not my fault! I did not know about the Carruthers.

What are you on about?

-I was enchanted by a pretty face.

-Not that pretty if I'm honest.

But henceforth, I will be steadfast in the knightly ways.

I will look no more at damsels.

-Keep up!

-I'm coming!

Stop them!

A quest! We must help this goodly friar!

Seize them! They are meat for the gallows!

ALL: Argh!

Her little face, sleeping. It seemed a shame to wake her.

Look, I don't know what's going on, but we want to see Grace!

Of course you do, yeah. In say...20 minutes?

Now!

What is the hurry? She's absolutely fine.

No, Mum! Stop lying! Tell the truth!

Tell them their baby's green!

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

-Seize them!

-Sorry, Hannah, move!

All right. I'll go to the cinema with you!

Just don't mention the laptop to my mum!

-My lady!

-No, Jamie! You said I'm the damsel!

You said...

-Oh!

-My lady!

My laptop! This is your fault.

No! No! It's completely harmless! And it wears off!

This is all your fault!

You said they're just harmless eccentrics!

Wait!

Look, Grace! She's gone back to normal!

Brilliant! And you know what?

This will make a great story for the christening...

They came in here!

What's happening now?

Look at my robes, I have got five more christenings to do.

And a funeral, I am not going to be able to do any of them like this.

Hannah! Is that my laptop?

It's fine! It's just a bit more... tablety?

There he is!

That's the lad. Look at what he has done to us.

Sorry, Dad!

I tried to make the other baby green like you told me to

but it went a bit wrong!

No, no! No! No!

No, I never!

I didn't. No, that is not...

Charlie!

How can this be right?

Polish every candlestick in the church for a month! And for what?

For trying to clean my shirt for a christening!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!