Baby All At Sea


Baby

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Transcript


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MUSIC PLAYS

0:00:030:00:10

A tie? Really?

0:00:340:00:36

Well, it's not every day you get asked to be a godfather.

0:00:360:00:39

I want to show the Ruddocks that I'm taking it very seriously.

0:00:390:00:43

Oh, they'll get that from the way you keep smiling serenely

0:00:430:00:45

like some saint.

0:00:450:00:46

Why do babies get christened?

0:00:460:00:49

Well, Louie, some people believe if that if you're baptised

0:00:490:00:52

and then live a good life, with proper guidance from adults

0:00:520:00:56

chosen because of their wisdom, their maturity...

0:00:560:00:59

Their planet-sized egos.

0:00:590:01:01

..then, when you die, you go to heaven.

0:01:010:01:04

What happens if you don't go to heaven?

0:01:040:01:07

Well, some people believe you go to hell

0:01:070:01:10

where you burn in agony for all eternity.

0:01:100:01:12

Kevin!

0:01:140:01:15

Them's the rules.

0:01:150:01:17

What you doing with that mustard?

0:01:170:01:19

Stupid food groups project. We've got to list the ingredients.

0:01:190:01:23

Well, don't get it on your good clothes.

0:01:230:01:25

DOORBELL RINGS

0:01:250:01:27

Oh! That'll be the Ruddocks! Charlie! The door!

0:01:270:01:29

Can't, Mum! I'm busy!

0:01:290:01:31

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

0:01:310:01:32

Alan! Sarah! Hello-o.

0:01:340:01:37

Hi, Helen! Kevin.

0:01:370:01:39

This must be Grace. Welcome, little one.

0:01:390:01:42

He's very excited about being godfather.

0:01:420:01:44

I've not seen him this chuffed since he won the egg and spoon race

0:01:440:01:47

at parents day.

0:01:470:01:49

Nice to have a joke, but it is an important role

0:01:490:01:51

and one I will take very seriously.

0:01:510:01:53

We knew you'd be the perfect choice, Kevin. ..Didn't we?

0:01:530:01:56

Look! I wore my suit just for your special day.

0:01:560:01:59

BOTH: Aw!

0:01:590:02:01

Come in, come in!

0:02:010:02:02

Charlie and Hannah will be down in a minute.

0:02:020:02:05

Mustard in a water pistol!

0:02:090:02:10

This is insane!

0:02:120:02:14

Watered down mustard. It's an invention.

0:02:140:02:16

Yeah, right up there with the concrete parachute.

0:02:160:02:19

We get ten of these, we can have our own paintball game.

0:02:190:02:22

A fiver in, we'll make a fortune!

0:02:220:02:24

Outstanding!

0:02:240:02:25

We need to test it.

0:02:250:02:27

Hit me.

0:02:290:02:30

But...what about your clothes?

0:02:300:02:33

My new shirt! I'm dead!

0:02:350:02:37

You're the science guy! Why didn't you warn me?

0:02:380:02:41

I did! What part of "insane" do you not understand?

0:02:410:02:44

But...we might be able to fix it with science.

0:02:460:02:51

Remember what Mr Dinsmore taught us in chemistry?

0:02:510:02:55

The home-made stain remover? It's called the Carruthers Compound.

0:02:550:02:59

It works on nearly anything.

0:03:000:03:02

And he made it with just a few normal foods.

0:03:020:03:04

Look! I was downloading a film and this came up!

0:03:040:03:08

I can't get rid of it!

0:03:080:03:10

Ooh! That's the Laughing Clown virus.

0:03:100:03:13

He laughs for a couple of hours, then wipes your hard drive.

0:03:130:03:16

Mum's new laptop! You're not allowed to use that! You're toast!

0:03:160:03:21

You can talk.

0:03:210:03:22

The clown, how do I get rid of him?

0:03:220:03:24

It's extremely difficult. You'll need an actual computer genius.

0:03:240:03:28

CLOWN LAUGHS

0:03:280:03:30

Jamie Stipe!

0:03:300:03:32

Stain remover! What do we need?

0:03:320:03:35

I'll check. But definitely ginger nuts.

0:03:350:03:39

I find they help with the stress.

0:03:410:03:43

Grace has launched her little boat

0:03:450:03:49

on the ocean of life.

0:03:490:03:52

Where there are many dangers, sharp rocks,

0:03:520:03:56

storms,

0:03:560:03:59

cannibals...

0:03:590:04:01

But what's this?

0:04:010:04:03

A kindly old lighthouse to show her the way, steering her to safety.

0:04:030:04:08

And that's me.

0:04:090:04:11

I am that lighthouse.

0:04:110:04:12

Th-that's really nice, Kevin.

0:04:130:04:16

Yes, yes, it is.

0:04:160:04:18

I'm just going to pop out for a bit.

0:04:180:04:20

Hannah, notice anything different about the room? Like our guests?

0:04:200:04:24

-All right?

-Hi, Hannah. Lovely to see you.

0:04:240:04:26

Hannah, you've got to be back by... Hannah!

0:04:260:04:29

-Ssh! You'll frighten the baby!

-All right!

0:04:290:04:33

Sorry. Sorry. She's fine, she's fine.

0:04:330:04:36

Not that I mind her crying. Oh, no, no, no, no.

0:04:360:04:38

Some people find it irritating, but to me

0:04:380:04:41

there's no sound more beautiful than the weeping of a small child.

0:04:410:04:45

-So back by 11:40 at the latest, OK?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes.

0:04:480:04:51

Charlie! Where's your shirt?

0:04:510:04:53

I thought I'd leave it for church in case it got mucky.

0:04:530:04:56

Good idea! Very good! Right, now say hello to the Ruddocks.

0:04:560:04:59

-Can't, Mum. I'm really busy.

-Get in here now!

0:04:590:05:01

Hello, Charlie! Nice to see you.

0:05:030:05:06

Yeah.

0:05:060:05:07

You're, erm...cooking?

0:05:070:05:09

Yeah. School project about people who are starving to death

0:05:090:05:12

cos they don't have food like this.

0:05:120:05:14

That's wonderful!

0:05:140:05:16

-Yeah. Better crack on.

-Roger that.

0:05:160:05:19

-Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

-Oh, er...likewise.

0:05:200:05:24

He's really settled down.

0:05:280:05:30

BOTH: Yeah, yeah!

0:05:310:05:33

It's turning clear. That's a good sign.

0:05:410:05:44

I think we're ready for the first tests.

0:05:440:05:46

I've made a small jam stain on this.

0:05:480:05:50

Now, we just wait for a few minutes.

0:05:550:05:57

Who cares about tests? Let's just do it!

0:05:570:06:00

-What if...

-Uh!

0:06:070:06:09

I can't believe we're not doing proper tests.

0:06:120:06:14

Funny, there's a reckless side of me that's actually kind of enjoying it.

0:06:150:06:20

You've fixed it! You're a genius!

0:06:300:06:33

Just basic chemistry. I stand on the shoulders of giants.

0:06:330:06:36

ALL: Bah-woooom!

0:06:360:06:38

You have made it worse!

0:06:410:06:43

What have you done? You idiot!

0:06:430:06:45

I told you! I told you we weren't ready!

0:06:450:06:48

I don't have proper equipment! I don't have...

0:06:480:06:51

Hey! We want results, not excuses.

0:06:510:06:54

Non-performing personnel will be consequenced.

0:06:550:06:59

She means fix it!

0:06:590:07:01

Hi, Jamie! All right?

0:07:100:07:12

My lady...?

0:07:120:07:13

Still doing all that knight stuff then?

0:07:130:07:16

Brilliant! You know you're really good at computers...?

0:07:160:07:19

CLOWN LAUGHS

0:07:210:07:22

-I've got a virus.

-Ooh!

0:07:220:07:26

The Merry Jester - a most grievous ailment of the computational engine.

0:07:260:07:31

Wha'?

0:07:310:07:32

Please. The drawbridge is down, you may enter the castle.

0:07:320:07:35

CLOWN LAUGHS

0:07:420:07:43

Think you can fix it?

0:07:480:07:50

Verily.

0:07:500:07:52

But I ask a small boon in return.

0:07:520:07:55

That you shall be my lady at the tourney.

0:07:550:07:57

CLOWN LAUGHS

0:07:570:07:58

I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

0:07:580:08:01

Upon the hour, the knights of the realm gather at the castle.

0:08:010:08:04

You shall come as my lady.

0:08:040:08:06

I'd love to, but I don't have time.

0:08:060:08:09

If you could fix that then I'll come back...

0:08:090:08:11

It must be today

0:08:110:08:12

because then I will be the envy of all the other knights,

0:08:120:08:16

-even Martin Thompson.

-I don't have the clothes you see.

-Fear not!

0:08:160:08:20

A damsel's dress for a damsel in distress.

0:08:270:08:31

HE LAUGHS

0:08:310:08:33

CLOWN LAUGHS

0:08:330:08:34

11:10. If I put her down, she'll get nearly an hour.

0:08:360:08:39

I'll take her.

0:08:390:08:40

It's important Grace and I start the bonding process.

0:08:400:08:43

Thanks, Kevin. It's really nice, the way you're taking this on.

0:08:430:08:48

GURGLES AT BABY

0:08:490:08:51

BABY BREAKS WIND

0:08:510:08:53

Oh! Er...I think she needs...

0:08:530:08:56

I think she needs changing.

0:08:570:08:58

Nappies and wipes - they're in the red bag by the bed.

0:08:580:09:02

Oh, OK. Right. Yes...

0:09:020:09:04

Aw! Lovely, isn't it? You and Gracie...bonding.

0:09:050:09:09

Yay.

0:09:090:09:10

Oh, go on! I'll help. I can't resist those big, sad eyes.

0:09:120:09:15

The baby's, not yours.

0:09:150:09:17

Dad was right.

0:09:180:09:19

It says on the internet if you're bad, you go to hell.

0:09:190:09:23

Er...well, some people...

0:09:230:09:25

You have to be good, I don't want to be in heaven if you're not there.

0:09:250:09:29

Aw! Sweet!

0:09:300:09:32

If you have got to do something bad, get Dad to do it.

0:09:320:09:34

Silly! Then I won't be in heaven, will I?

0:09:370:09:39

Stinky nappy!

0:09:510:09:53

Take this, and pass me a clean one will you?

0:09:530:09:55

Just a second.

0:09:550:09:56

It's a nappy, not anthrax!

0:09:590:10:01

You've never understood! I've a weak stomach and the famous Enright nose.

0:10:010:10:05

-I am like a bloodhound.

-Just take it!

0:10:050:10:08

CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:10:080:10:10

HE WRETCHES

0:10:100:10:11

Stop it! You're going to frighten her!

0:10:110:10:13

You sound like a dying water buffalo!

0:10:130:10:16

He's a silly man, isn't he?

0:10:170:10:20

No! No! No! Sensitive, I'm like a racehorse.

0:10:200:10:25

It's a blessing and a curse.

0:10:250:10:26

He's a silly, silly man! Yes, he is.

0:10:260:10:30

The Carruthers compound,

0:10:300:10:31

it works by a sort of phase shift through the acid alkaline.

0:10:310:10:36

Ben! Tell us what's happening or I WILL hurt you.

0:10:360:10:39

The green, it fades away after 90 minutes taking the stain with it.

0:10:390:10:43

90 minutes! We'll be in the church by then!

0:10:430:10:46

Sorry, I should have spotted the time delay.

0:10:460:10:49

Didn't scroll down far enough.

0:10:490:10:51

Too lazy to scroll. You've got no chance when society collapses.

0:10:510:10:56

Maybe it'll wash off.

0:10:570:11:00

It won't. And if you try, it'll turn orange.

0:11:000:11:03

You see, it reacts with the oxygen...

0:11:030:11:05

I have no choice, I've got to try!

0:11:050:11:07

If my mum sees my shirt...

0:11:070:11:09

..I'm dead!

0:11:100:11:11

-Alison, get some water.

-Roger that!

0:11:110:11:14

Such a song and dance about changing one nappy!

0:11:170:11:20

No! Don't wash her with that!

0:11:210:11:23

-What? Why?

-Because it's not hygienic!

0:11:230:11:26

She's a baby, you can't use any old washcloth!

0:11:260:11:28

I have finished now anyway. Right, time for your nap now.

0:11:280:11:33

And henceforth,

0:11:360:11:37

you shall fight the mightiest battle you have ever fought.

0:11:370:11:41

And all for me.

0:11:410:11:43

The damsel. Are you ready?

0:11:430:11:46

KNIGHTS: Yes!

0:11:460:11:47

My goodly knights...

0:11:490:11:50

-It's a real girl!

-No!

0:11:500:11:52

She's wearing the Guinevere! You never let me wear it!

0:11:550:11:58

I told you. You're too big.

0:11:580:12:00

I am not big, I'm...willowy.

0:12:000:12:03

This is my Lady Hannah. She will be our Queen.

0:12:030:12:06

All right?

0:12:060:12:08

To thine service, I do pledge my sword.

0:12:080:12:10

To Queen Hannah.

0:12:100:12:12

ALL: Queen Hannah! Long live the Queen!

0:12:130:12:17

Long live the Queen!

0:12:170:12:18

Er...at ease.

0:12:180:12:20

MOBILE RINGS

0:12:200:12:22

-Hello?

-Hannah! Where are you?

0:12:220:12:25

Erm...kind of hard to explain.

0:12:250:12:28

We're leaving for the church in 20 minutes. Get back here!

0:12:280:12:31

-That might be slightly...

-Just come home!

0:12:310:12:34

All right, can we get on with it?

0:12:360:12:39

"Can we get on with it?"

0:12:390:12:41

Damsel! She doesn't have a clue!

0:12:410:12:42

Speak no ill of my lady!

0:12:420:12:44

For though thou art a maid, doubt not I will bash thee!

0:12:440:12:48

THEY ALL PROTEST

0:12:480:12:51

Maybe it'll be all right. Maybe Dad rinsed the washcloth.

0:12:540:12:58

Doubtful. He was under pressure, he wasn't thinking clearly.

0:12:580:13:01

It'll be fine.

0:13:010:13:02

Maybe just the faintest green tint, barely noticeable.

0:13:020:13:06

Yes! She's perfect!

0:13:100:13:12

Ssh! You'll frighten her!

0:13:120:13:14

Blanket's not in the regulation position.

0:13:140:13:16

Now look what you've done!

0:13:220:13:24

My parents will be so ashamed.

0:13:260:13:28

They bought me my first chemistry set

0:13:280:13:30

and I've used my knowledge for evil.

0:13:300:13:32

Can you fix her or not?

0:13:320:13:34

No way! Not before the christening.

0:13:340:13:36

The tabloids will love this.

0:13:370:13:39

"Evil Boy Scientist Creates Mutant Baby".

0:13:390:13:43

I've got it!

0:13:430:13:44

Your little brother, Jack, he's the same age as Grace, right?

0:13:440:13:47

-Bit older.

-That's it! We'll swap them!

0:13:470:13:50

Sorry? What?

0:13:500:13:52

We'll get Jack, bring him here,

0:13:520:13:53

put him in Grace's white dress and bonnet,

0:13:530:13:56

take him to the church for the christening.

0:13:560:13:58

Are you saying, christen the wrong baby?

0:13:580:14:00

Exactly. It'll be enough time for Grace to get back to normal.

0:14:000:14:04

Then we swap them back.

0:14:040:14:05

It's bold, it's unexpected, it's Hannibal crossing the Alps.

0:14:050:14:10

It's unexpected because it's insane!

0:14:100:14:14

We can't swap babies!

0:14:140:14:16

Why not? They all look the same.

0:14:160:14:18

Please, Charlie!

0:14:180:14:19

Let's just go down and make a clean breast of it.

0:14:190:14:22

OK, we'll have to accept our punishment, but in the long run...

0:14:220:14:26

SHE DIALS

0:14:260:14:28

It's astonishing. I'm always right, but...no-one ever listens.

0:14:280:14:31

Hi, Mum!

0:14:310:14:32

Remember you were saying Jack should go on more play dates?

0:14:320:14:35

Well, there's a cute little baby over at Charlie's...

0:14:350:14:39

You'll drop him over? Great.

0:14:390:14:41

We are go!

0:14:420:14:44

Back! You vile knave. Back, you low-born knave!

0:14:440:14:48

Eat my metal sword. Die! Back!

0:14:480:14:50

Tempus! Tempus!

0:14:560:14:57

My lady, it is not permitted to use sorcerer's engines during tourney.

0:14:580:15:05

Huh?

0:15:050:15:06

The engines of...the thing that is in thy hand.

0:15:060:15:10

My phone?

0:15:100:15:11

I know not this word. But set it to mute.

0:15:110:15:15

Look, I've got to bounce.

0:15:150:15:16

-If thou departest...

-I know, you can't fix my computer.

0:15:160:15:19

But I've really got to go.

0:15:190:15:21

If thou wishest.

0:15:210:15:22

But I just wanted to say I really enjoyed today.

0:15:240:15:28

It was great.

0:15:280:15:29

For real?

0:15:290:15:31

Yeah. Erm... are knights allowed out on dates?

0:15:310:15:34

I see no reason...

0:15:340:15:36

I was just going to say, we should go out some time, to the cinema.

0:15:360:15:40

I know not this word.

0:15:400:15:41

(But, yeah, definitely.)

0:15:420:15:44

Well, that's if I'm not grounded.

0:15:450:15:47

Oh! The engine of computation.

0:15:500:15:53

Yeah, my mum, the evil queen, she will lock me in a high tower

0:15:530:15:58

if she gets fed up for many weeks.

0:15:580:16:00

Cruel.

0:16:000:16:01

It would be because then we'd have to wait ages for our date.

0:16:010:16:05

Give it here.

0:16:050:16:06

I told Hannah to be back at 20 to. I mean, what is wrong with her?

0:16:090:16:12

Doh! That was for after lunch!

0:16:130:16:17

Don't worry about the sponge, Helen.

0:16:170:16:19

Lunch is about so much more than that.

0:16:190:16:21

It's a coming together, a...

0:16:210:16:23

I'll get it out the bin.

0:16:230:16:24

There we go. That's not that bad.

0:16:260:16:29

It's fine. It's fine. We'll just, erm...

0:16:290:16:32

cut slices from the good bit.

0:16:320:16:34

But it's dirty!

0:16:340:16:36

HE GROANS

0:16:360:16:37

-It's a sin!

-Ssh!

0:16:370:16:39

Why would you do this, Mum?

0:16:390:16:41

Why? Don't you want to go to heaven?

0:16:410:16:44

Brilliant! Him and Grace, they're almost identical.

0:16:500:16:54

Don't be ridiculous, he's almost twice her size!

0:16:540:16:58

It's like a chicken next to a turkey.

0:16:580:17:00

-Horsey.

-He talks! He actually talks!

0:17:010:17:05

Just some basic military terms. Jack, look!

0:17:050:17:08

Let's just get him in the christening outfit.

0:17:080:17:10

Hi, Dad!

0:17:150:17:17

What have you done?

0:17:170:17:19

What? Nothing! Actually, something really good.

0:17:190:17:24

Grace woke up, so I dressed her for the christening.

0:17:240:17:26

Right. Where is she?

0:17:260:17:28

I like to do these little things to help.

0:17:280:17:31

Charlie! Where is she?

0:17:310:17:32

Alison!

0:17:340:17:35

Who's that?

0:17:450:17:47

What are you on about? It's Grace!

0:17:470:17:48

Charlie, you've got three seconds.

0:17:480:17:51

All right. But Grace is fine. It's not as bad as it looks.

0:17:530:17:57

-Right, Ben?

-Horsey.

0:17:570:18:00

Of course. It's completely non-toxic.

0:18:000:18:02

She'll have a full recovery.

0:18:020:18:04

Non... What are you talking about?! Where is she?

0:18:040:18:06

Oh, she's perfectly fine!

0:18:150:18:17

Yeah...most of her.

0:18:170:18:20

Ooh! Wha...?!

0:18:230:18:24

-What?

-Ben - he tried to make a stain remover...

0:18:270:18:30

but it went a bit wrong.

0:18:300:18:31

We're going to have to wash it off!

0:18:330:18:36

It's a non-washable technology at this point.

0:18:370:18:39

Basically, we have to leave her like that for an hour

0:18:390:18:42

or she'll turn orange.

0:18:420:18:44

What kind of idiot paints a baby green?

0:18:440:18:46

One like you?

0:18:460:18:48

The washcloth in the bathroom... it was contaminated.

0:18:480:18:52

Yeah! That's right. You cleaned a little baby with a dirty washcloth.

0:18:520:18:56

Oh, I'm not a good man.

0:19:020:19:03

I've ruined my own goddaughter's christening!

0:19:050:19:09

Not necessarily.

0:19:090:19:11

See? The stain fades out perfectly.

0:19:160:19:20

-So...?

-So it's proof. Grace will go back to normal in an hour.

0:19:200:19:24

I need to stall the Ruddocks,

0:19:240:19:25

then they'll never know I can't be trusted!

0:19:250:19:27

Easy. Alison will ring the house.

0:19:270:19:29

You answer, pretend it's the vicar, say the christening's been delayed.

0:19:290:19:34

-Right?

-Me and Ben will nip down to the church,

0:19:340:19:37

tell the vicar the Ruddocks have been held up. Sorted!

0:19:370:19:40

Yes. Yes. That might just work!

0:19:410:19:43

Yes, Alison, ring the house phone in three minutes.

0:19:430:19:46

Roger that.

0:19:460:19:48

Do you really think the vicar will listen to us?

0:19:480:19:51

Nah, grown-ups never do, do they?

0:19:510:19:53

But we'll figure out a way to delay the christening.

0:19:530:19:57

It's my mum. I think she's going to hell.

0:19:570:20:00

Where's Grace?

0:20:130:20:14

She looks so peaceful I thought I'd let her sleep till we're all ready.

0:20:140:20:17

We are ready.

0:20:170:20:19

We're due at the church in 15 minutes.

0:20:190:20:21

Mm-hm.

0:20:210:20:22

Kevin, go and get Grace!

0:20:220:20:25

All right, all right! Oh, was that the phone?

0:20:250:20:27

Did anyone else hear the phone then? I'm sure...

0:20:270:20:30

Uh-oh, operational glitch. B&B house phone engaged!

0:20:330:20:37

I can't believe Hannah's not back! She is so grounded. Where's Charlie?

0:20:370:20:40

Where's the phone? Who has the phone?

0:20:400:20:43

And she lies, too. Do you think she'll go to hell?

0:20:430:20:46

-Louie! Get off the phone!

-Stop! I'm talking to Mrs Mullan.

0:20:460:20:49

-Your teacher?

-I'm trying to save your immortal soul.

0:20:490:20:53

Give me the... Give me!

0:20:530:20:55

Mrs Mullan! Yes, sorry about that. I know, he gets these ideas.

0:20:580:21:01

OK. You, too. Bye-bye.

0:21:010:21:05

OK. OK, Charlie! We're off now!

0:21:070:21:09

If there's anything you need to do, probably best to do it right now!

0:21:090:21:13

Kevin, what are you doing? Go and get Grace!

0:21:130:21:16

PHONE RINGS

0:21:160:21:17

Whah!

0:21:170:21:18

Hello? Ah, Vicar! How are you?

0:21:200:21:25

Oh. Oh, I see. Yes, well...

0:21:250:21:27

Not a problem, Vicar. Thank you for letting us know, Vicar.

0:21:270:21:30

Bye, Vicar.

0:21:300:21:32

-That was the vicar.

-You don't say!

0:21:320:21:34

There's been a bit of a backlog at the font

0:21:340:21:36

so they want us to wait for an hour.

0:21:360:21:39

Oh, well, never mind. Kevin can make us some sandwiches.

0:21:390:21:43

-And I've got a beautiful sponge.

-That sponge?

0:21:430:21:46

Or biscuits! I've got some biscuits too. Lovely biscuits!

0:21:460:21:50

Yes. So, sandwiches, we've got chicken, we have got ham.

0:21:500:21:53

Bread - we've got white, and green. BROWN!

0:21:530:21:55

Not green! Why did I say green? That's mad! Let's have a sandwich!

0:21:550:21:59

Ah, Mr And Mrs Royson, yes? And this is Oscar. Hello, Oscar.

0:22:060:22:10

What if we delay the vicar by drawing him

0:22:110:22:13

into a conversation about monastic bee-keeping in the Middle Ages?

0:22:130:22:18

What?

0:22:180:22:20

I know a lot about it. I can keep him talking for hours.

0:22:200:22:23

Just cause a distraction while I pour this in the font.

0:22:230:22:26

The stain remover! It will turn the baby's head green!

0:22:260:22:29

Exactly. And that should delay the christening for a bit.

0:22:290:22:32

-Charlie, I really don't...

-Distraction!

0:22:320:22:34

So, welcome, welcome. Let's begin.

0:22:340:22:37

We are gathered here to celebrate the christening of..

0:22:410:22:45

Oscar Royson and...

0:22:450:22:47

# We're walking in the air

0:22:470:22:51

# We're floating in the moonlit sky

0:22:510:22:56

# The people far below are sleeping as we fly. #

0:22:560:23:01

-I'm sorry.

-Who are you?

0:23:010:23:03

I'm the singer from...Shrimpton's?

0:23:030:23:07

I didn't order a singer! Be quiet!

0:23:070:23:09

What are you...?

0:23:100:23:12

You! You're the boy that ruined that wedding!

0:23:120:23:15

Ben! Run!

0:23:180:23:21

Come back here! You little...!

0:23:210:23:23

Sarah, sandwiches!

0:23:250:23:26

I just want to check on Grace.

0:23:260:23:28

No! No! No! No! Best let her sleep.

0:23:280:23:32

Sorry...?

0:23:320:23:33

You know...Grace, it's a big day.

0:23:330:23:35

I think we it's best to let her sleep.

0:23:350:23:37

We have got some ham, chicken...

0:23:370:23:39

-Kevin, I want to wake her.

-No! No! I am the godfather.

0:23:390:23:42

I intend to do the right way, even if it's not popular.

0:23:420:23:45

No! No! My house, my rules, Sarah.

0:23:450:23:48

Come on, Charlie.

0:24:000:24:01

Begone, vile sprite!

0:24:030:24:05

You did it!

0:24:050:24:06

My lady, it does me good to see the sorrow leave your face.

0:24:060:24:10

Yeah...

0:24:100:24:11

So, later... the palace of magical pictures?

0:24:110:24:15

Sorry, Stipe, won't be happening.

0:24:150:24:18

First thing you've got to learn about damsels

0:24:180:24:20

is we're not to be trusted.

0:24:200:24:22

My lady, thou hast played me like a lute.

0:24:230:24:27

I don't know! He just said it had gone wrong!

0:24:270:24:29

-We need to run an extraction.

-Ssh-ssh! Someone's coming!

0:24:290:24:33

Fall back!

0:24:330:24:35

What did you say to Sarah? She's really quite upset.

0:24:380:24:40

I just thought it was best to leave Grace sleeping.

0:24:400:24:42

Denying her access to her own child!

0:24:420:24:45

They asked you to be godfather, not Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

0:24:450:24:48

No! No! No! No! Helen! No!

0:24:480:24:49

No! I am the godfather and I forbid you to wake Grace!

0:24:490:24:52

We are going to have a little chat later. Subject - you.

0:24:520:24:55

-Get out...

-No! No! No! No!

0:24:550:24:58

Helen, no! You will not enter.

0:24:580:25:01

Helen, it's not my fault! I did not know about the Carruthers.

0:25:010:25:04

What are you on about?

0:25:040:25:06

-I was enchanted by a pretty face.

-Not that pretty if I'm honest.

0:25:140:25:18

But henceforth, I will be steadfast in the knightly ways.

0:25:180:25:21

I will look no more at damsels.

0:25:210:25:23

-Keep up!

-I'm coming!

0:25:230:25:24

Stop them!

0:25:240:25:26

A quest! We must help this goodly friar!

0:25:260:25:28

Seize them! They are meat for the gallows!

0:25:280:25:31

ALL: Argh!

0:25:310:25:33

Her little face, sleeping. It seemed a shame to wake her.

0:25:360:25:40

Look, I don't know what's going on, but we want to see Grace!

0:25:400:25:43

Of course you do, yeah. In say...20 minutes?

0:25:430:25:45

Now!

0:25:450:25:47

What is the hurry? She's absolutely fine.

0:25:470:25:50

No, Mum! Stop lying! Tell the truth!

0:25:500:25:54

Tell them their baby's green!

0:25:540:25:56

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

0:25:580:26:00

-Seize them!

-Sorry, Hannah, move!

0:26:120:26:15

All right. I'll go to the cinema with you!

0:26:150:26:17

Just don't mention the laptop to my mum!

0:26:170:26:19

-My lady!

-No, Jamie! You said I'm the damsel!

0:26:190:26:22

You said...

0:26:220:26:23

-Oh!

-My lady!

0:26:250:26:28

My laptop! This is your fault.

0:26:280:26:30

No! No! It's completely harmless! And it wears off!

0:26:300:26:34

This is all your fault!

0:26:340:26:35

You said they're just harmless eccentrics!

0:26:350:26:38

Wait!

0:26:380:26:39

Look, Grace! She's gone back to normal!

0:26:390:26:42

Brilliant! And you know what?

0:26:420:26:44

This will make a great story for the christening...

0:26:440:26:47

They came in here!

0:26:480:26:50

What's happening now?

0:26:530:26:54

Look at my robes, I have got five more christenings to do.

0:26:540:26:57

And a funeral, I am not going to be able to do any of them like this.

0:26:570:27:01

Hannah! Is that my laptop?

0:27:020:27:06

It's fine! It's just a bit more... tablety?

0:27:060:27:09

There he is!

0:27:120:27:13

That's the lad. Look at what he has done to us.

0:27:130:27:16

Sorry, Dad!

0:27:160:27:17

I tried to make the other baby green like you told me to

0:27:170:27:20

but it went a bit wrong!

0:27:200:27:22

No, no! No! No!

0:27:220:27:23

No, I never!

0:27:230:27:25

I didn't. No, that is not...

0:27:250:27:27

Charlie!

0:27:310:27:34

How can this be right?

0:27:380:27:40

Polish every candlestick in the church for a month! And for what?

0:27:400:27:44

For trying to clean my shirt for a christening!

0:27:440:27:47

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

0:27:470:27:49

It's a travesty of justice!

0:27:490:27:51

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