Statues All At Sea

Here we are.

Strong and sweet.

So is the coffee.

And I've...

I've got some... Digestive biscuits.

-May I have a splash more milk?

-Two seconds.

What? I'm in there serving guests.

I bumped into Cynthia Bryce in the supermarket.

She said the Terminator is in town. Get off!

-The future robot thing?

-The hotel inspector.

That's fine. We've been inspected loads of times.

Not by the Terminator. You know why they call him that, don't you?

-Because....

-Don't say because he's a robot.

I wasn't going to.

Because he has personally closed down over 30 B&Bs.

One speck of dust and it's over.

If we get closed down, how are you going to pay for my dance lessons?

We can do this. We can all work as a team.

Get this place cleaned up.

Yeah. I would, but I've got to go out.

And this whole team thing, not really for me.

Guest lounge, dirty cups, now.

What are these?

Negative on hostiles.

Right, so we can add the cinema to the places we can never go again.

It'll be all right.

I mean, what did we do that was so bad?

We, meaning you, started firing foam balls at people during the film.

It was the big battle scene.

I was just trying to 3-D things up a little.

Oh, no, Charlie!

Wow!

He's amazing.

Look how still he is.

That's nothing.

I was hid in my airing cupboard for eight hours just to ambush my dad.

Let's see what you've got.

Uh-huh.

Thanks, Bev. I owe you. Bye.

-You know Beverley from Glenbrook?

-Yes.

She caught some fella last week sniffing her pillow cases.

And...

The Terminator is definitely in town. Get the book.

All right.

All right, what are we looking for?

Someone who's booked in who looks suspicious.

OK.

-Mr McDonald.

-No, no, no. He's been here before.

-He's the one with the little humpback, isn't he?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Er... There.

Brian Smith, there. Definitely a fake name.

Arriving tomorrow, staying for one night. That's him. Right.

We've got 24 hours to get this place ready.

I'm all over it.

Do you want a quick cup of tea?

No, me neither. No, let's just crack on.

Yeah, yeah. We haven't got time. Haven't got time for tea.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-What?

-Do you know that biology book we're sharing?

-The one you keep forgetting to bring to school?

-Sort of.

I thought I'd save you the bother of forgetting it again on Monday.

Fine, it's in my room.

Hannah, are you still doing that door?

-Look at these fingerprints!

-I've got to use my hands, don't I?

Do you want me to clean with the cloth with my mouth?

Just do it again.

Is your mum all right? She seems a bit uptight.

Yeah, she's not coping well at the minute with her nerves.

-We're all pitching in.

-Oh, no!

Not much good at this stuff.

-I'm useless at cleaning.

-Here. Let me.

That's brilliant.

Could you do a little bit upstairs?

Oh, well, I suppose I could help for a few...

Thanks, Carol. That's so nice.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to pop up into town for a bit. For supplies.

If this was the jungle, we'd have leeches stuck all over us.

Do you think you could take that? I could.

Good work, soldier.

-SHE SHOUTS

-Carry on!

He's in a Zen-like state.

He's probably studied for years.

Bet I can make him move.

ALL SCREAM

I don't know why he got so mad.

Now he knows foam balls are his weakness.

I bet someone took his tin of money while he was chasing us.

-30p or something. Big deal.

-Negative on that.

I'm training myself to observe little details,

so I counted his money.

£20, £30?

30 quid for standing about?

It's not as easy as it looks.

Yes, it is.

See?

Let's do it. We can go to the cinema, see the rest of the film.

Outstanding.

You mean doing this in public?

But we're not licensed!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ah!

-John.

-Kevin.

I just thought I'd pop across, take a look.

A bit tacky, these, don't just think?

I just ordered myself some proper statuary.

A big piece.

-Imposing.

-Right.

Well, I can't unaccountably squat here all day chatting. Got to...

Not thinking of using that compost on this soil, are you?

Play havoc with your alkaline levels.

Yeah. No, yeah, yes. Yeah, I know that.

I was going to add the alkaline later.

I do have a green finger.

You want to get that checked, then.

Carol.

-Hello, Mrs Enright. How are you?

-What are you doing?

Hannah said you needed a bit of help around the place.

Did she now? Hannah!

-She isn't here, she's gone to town.

-And left you to do all her cleaning?

It's no trouble. The last thing you want to do is

to get worked up about silly things like this.

-Almost finished anyway.

-What, all of it?

Just got to tackle the grouting in the downstairs toilet.

Looks a bit tired.

Oh, Carol! Thank you so much!

It doesn't seem right.

I like cleaning.

It's very relaxing.

And it's good to relax, isn't it, Mrs Enright?

Er... Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

Now, how about I put the kettle on and you put your feet up for a bit?

Oh, well, I do feel a bit tired.

-Are you sure you don't mind?

-It's fine, Ms Enright.

-Everything is fine.

-Aw!

Beep-boop-beep!

How much have we made so far?

45p.

What? That's impossible, I've been on it for ages.

Tourists at 12 o'clock.

Hold it, hold it.

Beep-boop-boop!

A smile? What good's a smile? I can't eat a smile, can I?

I'm fed up with this. Let's go and see how Ben's doing.

Nice one, Ben.

-I'll get some chips, shall I?

-As is.

Ben!

Sorry, I was in the zone.

It's brilliant just not being me for a bit.

-Shall I get you some chips or not?

-He is fine.

Rendezvous in a few minutes.

-I know you're angry.

-That's one word for it.

This T-shirt was the last one in the shop.

I had no choice.

Lovely.

And if you think about it, Carol did a way better job than me.

So really you should be thanking me for not cleaning.

Don't worry. You don't have to do anything around here anymore.

Really?

Carol has agreed to help out part-time

and she's going to do your Saturday shift as well.

But that's my job. How will I get money?

You won't.

You can't just get rid of me.

All I did was go out and buy a T-shirt.

It's not just that, though, is it?

You've not been pulling your weight for a while.

So that's it? You're replacing me?

Carol is in and I'm out.

Oh, this is so unfair!

You all right, Louie?

You have to be very good, Simon. They're replacing Hannah with Carol.

If it can happen to her, it can happen to me.

Hey, Ben.

Chips.

Chips.

I'm starving.

Intense concentration and muscle control really takes it out of you.

How much did we make, then?

£4.30 until Charlie got hungry.

You've eaten all the profits?

We had to do something while you were here enjoying yourself.

You'll just have to make more tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be getting the shopping in for my gran.

Do you want to see the film or not?

Fine.

She's probably got a few tins left.

Ah! What do you think?

-Is that a...?

-Gorilla.

Right.

-A bit odd, isn't it?

-Unique.

A bit like me in a way.

An imposing presence in an urban jungle.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all right, I suppose, if you like big monkeys.

I do.

I have imagination.

Not the type to settle for a couple of gnomes.

A statue. That sounds expensive.

Or is it a good investment to show the inspector

that we are a quality establishment?

Hello, yes, we're looking for a garden statue.

We'd like a human figure, something classy.

Yeah, I think we'd like a male about...

HE WHISPERS How tall?

4 foot.

Might be nice to go taller.

Yeah, somewhere between 4 and 5 foot.

Have you got any of those Greeky Roman ones?

I can be Greeky Roman.

What about that one? Or is that a bit bulky?

Well, it's not like we're going to be feeding him.

I don't need a lot for food.

I'm very cheap to keep.

Really.

OK, we'll take the young Roman shepherd boy, please,

and we'll need that delivered first thing tomorrow morning.

OK, bye-bye.

Sorted.

A Roman shepherd boy, that's really going to impress the inspector.

-Can we have some sheep?

-No.

No, no.

It's called knocking, Hannah. Let's try that.

Emma and me are supposed to be going skating,

which is why I bought the T-shirt. But now I have no money.

OK.

Thanks for letting us know.

I want my job back.

Too late.

This isn't over.

DOOR SLAMS

That is like a warm pastry hug.

Mmm!

The inspector is gone to love this. Oh!

-Sorry, about breakfast...

-Mm-hm.

-Oh! Those look lovely.

-Don't they?

Our Carol is quite the pastry chef.

-Can I have a croissant?

-No.

They're not for ordinary guests.

There you go, enjoy.

Why aren't you in uniform?

I can't be bothered standing about all day. It's boring.

I can't make money for the cinema on my own.

I mean, I'm good, but I'm only human.

Look at that. It looks just like you, Ben.

Yeah, if you squint and lower your standards.

No, I mean, it looks just like you.

We could stick it in town, people give it money.

Outstanding.

Sorry, what?

Brookville B&B? Got your statue.

Oh, you brought it to the wrong place.

No, I've got a name and address right here. Look, Enright.

Dad again. Oh, he stepped on a rake and bam!

Right on his face and ever since then he's just not been the same.

-Oh, yeah.

-Tried to mow the lawn with a bicycle this morning.

THEY LAUGH

Look, all I know is I've got to deliver the statue.

Yeah, to our chippy in town.

No, I can only deliver it where it says on the system.

Fair enough.

As long as he doesn't know it was you, Maurice Lynam.

What?

Well, ever since he had the... bam! he has these rages.

HE SHOUTS I told you two sugars!

It's scary.

I've seen him make a grown man cry like little girls.

It's just best if he doesn't know it was you, Maurice Lynam.

Well...

Where is this chippy?

-Why did you want a statue out here?

-It's like an ad.

Stick a bag of chips in one hand and a battered sausage in the other.

One of your dad's ideas, is it?

Yeah, he thinks it'll be good for business.

That's why me and my brother stand outside like that. Now, try it out.

Fair enough. Good luck.

-Can't tell the difference.

-Yeah, he can stand still, but...

..where is the finesse?

Looks like you've got some competition.

We'll see about that.

Outstanding.

Tsss.

Mr Enright, will you send someone to look at the window in my room?

Two seconds.

Hello. I ordered a garden statue for delivery this morning and it's late.

Enright.

Roman shepherd boy. No, I don't think it was.

Well, it's not here, so that's my first clue.

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. OK.

They're going to call me back. They're saying they delivered it.

-Sure it will turn up. All the guests' bathrooms cleaned?

-Yes.

-All the woodwork wet dusted and polished?

-Yes.

-Napkins?

-Ironed.

-Who irons napkins?

-People who are having an inspection.

You might as well vacuum the curtains while you're at it.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Do it.

Curtains.

Charlie.

Tuttle.

What's this?

It's...my cousin Steve.

Your cousin?

Yeah, don't get too close. He's concentrating.

That doesn't look like a real person.

That's how good he is, right, Steve?

He is concentrating.

Is that why I can't see him breathing?

Exactly. Years of training. Now.

Well, good to run into you.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

CRASH

Oops. You better get Steve down to the doctor's.

I think he's broken something.

Oi! Tuttle, you owe my dad a fortune.

This statue is defective. I'd like a replacement, please.

Where is the rest of it?

That's the defect.

How did it break?

Let's not get into details about it. Are you going to replace it or not?

No.

Call that customer care? I demand to see the manager.

It's true, a pigeon landed on it and it fell apart.

Shoddy.

No luck, then?

Too bad. Might as well just go home and face the music.

Hold on a minute.

Look!

Let's get one.

All right, Louie?

Just getting packed for when the shepherd boy comes.

-All right, game, is it?

-To you maybe.

Do you have a spare hair dryer that I can take with me?

-I don't, no.

-That's all right.

I will let it dry naturally from now on.

Tell me again how this isn't stealing.

We could make loads of money off it so we can come back and pay for it.

OK, we're going to jail.

Look, one same as the old one.

-You climb on there, grab it. We'll wait here.

-Why me?

You're wearing camouflage.

Not for sale.

ENGINE STARTS

I wasn't expecting that.

Look, Hannah, I think we should make an effort to get on.

-I just saw a spider in the guest lounge!

-What?

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Charlie?

Where are you, Ben?

Where do you think I am? In hell.

Tell him we're coming. No men left behind.

Just wait till the truck stops, jump off and run.

Run where? I'm miles away. I'm completely lost.

Just look for a bus stop.

Great idea.

I will pay the fare with the Roman coins I keep in my toga pocket.

What?

-ENGINE STARTS

-I've got to go.

But, Ben...

I wonder if I'm going to a new family.

Maybe they'll be rich, with horses

and they'll let me have mayonnaise shrimp with clams.

It won't be as good as this, though.

I'm not going without a fight.

OK, so we tell dad we saw a UFO

and they abducted the statue for experiments.

Roger that.

Excellent.

Similar to the shepherd boy, 0%.

I am sure Dad won't notice.

Let's go and play some video games.

Establishing alibi. Roger that.

SHE GASPS

-Look what Carol did.

-Hannah!

You should fire her. Who knows what she's capable of?

What have you done?

Me? I'm trying to put it back in!

Carol. How could you?

I didn't do this.

Well, I don't know who else could have.

You! You did it!

-Er... I think maybe I should go.

-No, no, no.

Look at this mess, I need you. Please!

I'm much better at cleaning than her.

I'm sorry, this is getting a bit too weird for me.

Don't, don't, don't, don't. Carol!

I want my job back.

What makes you think you can ask for anything after all you've just done?

Well, obviously I've been driven insane

by the stress of having no money.

Great parenting. Thanks, Mum.

Hello. Mr Enright here again.

Yes, young Roman shepherd boy.

So you just delivered a gorilla?

Well, the long hairy arms are my first clue.

No. I know my neighbour's got one. You just delivered one here!

Look, just get down here.

Of course there won't be any violence! Why would...

Unbelievable.

I won't let them swap me for a shepherd boy.

OK, buddy.

I've done loads. I need my money. Skating starts in half an hour.

In your dreams.

Hannah, Hannah!

Living, 7 out of 10.

Hospitality, 5 out of 10. Food, 4 out of 10.

Mrs Newman is the hotel inspector.

If she closes us down, I still get paid, right?

-All right, where is it?

-What?

My statue.

You just couldn't stand me having one up on you, could you?

-Sorry, am I missing something?

-My gorilla has gone missing.

When I find out who took it, trouble.

Listen, I've got a classy Roman shepherd boy arriving any minute.

What would I want with your gorilla?

MUFFLED VOICES

Code red!

How would I ever know?

-I know you know.

-How do you know that I know?

-That doesn't make any sense.

-I just don't know. I know.

It was Carol.

I sacked her.

She was a liability.

No, no, no, no.

I don't see my gorilla in 30 seconds, I'm calling the police.

Oh! Call the police, let's see what they've got to say.

-Mr Enright?

-Yes!

I don't want any trouble.

Look, just give me the Roman shepherd boy, please.

All right, all right, calm down, calm down, steady on.

Now, you must understand...

..that if I swap this statue for the other one,

I've got to take it back, all right?

I'm not going to let them take me anywhere!

Louie!

HE SCREAMS

Stop shooting! It's Ben!

SHRIEKING

Did you notice our toilet paper is triple quilted?

It's the best in Scarborough.

You can't swap me for a shepherd boy.

No, don't push!

My gorilla!

Oh!

Oh, please don't close us down.

-I knew it.

-What?

-It wasn't me. I didn't take it.

-Stick to your gnomes, mate.

You couldn't handle a statue like this.

-Don't fuss.

-Sorry.

I found your stature, Mr Royce.

Do I get a reward?

Charlie!

Come on, Bruce. Let's get you home.

How can this be right?

Stick an entire statue together.

And for what? For trying to earn money to go to the cinema.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice.