Statues All At Sea


Statues

Charlie and his family run a bed and breakfast by the sea. When Ben takes up a career as a human statue, Charlie tries to bring in more cash by 'borrowing' a real one.


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Transcript


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Here we are.

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Strong and sweet.

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So is the coffee.

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And I've...

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I've got some... Digestive biscuits.

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-May I have a splash more milk?

-Two seconds.

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What? I'm in there serving guests.

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I bumped into Cynthia Bryce in the supermarket.

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She said the Terminator is in town. Get off!

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-The future robot thing?

-The hotel inspector.

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That's fine. We've been inspected loads of times.

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Not by the Terminator. You know why they call him that, don't you?

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-Because....

-Don't say because he's a robot.

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I wasn't going to.

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Because he has personally closed down over 30 B&Bs.

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One speck of dust and it's over.

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If we get closed down, how are you going to pay for my dance lessons?

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We can do this. We can all work as a team.

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Get this place cleaned up.

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Yeah. I would, but I've got to go out.

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And this whole team thing, not really for me.

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Guest lounge, dirty cups, now.

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What are these?

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Negative on hostiles.

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Right, so we can add the cinema to the places we can never go again.

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It'll be all right.

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I mean, what did we do that was so bad?

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We, meaning you, started firing foam balls at people during the film.

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It was the big battle scene.

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I was just trying to 3-D things up a little.

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Oh, no, Charlie!

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Wow!

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He's amazing.

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Look how still he is.

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That's nothing.

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I was hid in my airing cupboard for eight hours just to ambush my dad.

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Let's see what you've got.

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Uh-huh.

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Thanks, Bev. I owe you. Bye.

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-You know Beverley from Glenbrook?

-Yes.

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She caught some fella last week sniffing her pillow cases.

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And...

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The Terminator is definitely in town. Get the book.

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All right.

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All right, what are we looking for?

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Someone who's booked in who looks suspicious.

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OK.

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-Mr McDonald.

-No, no, no. He's been here before.

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-He's the one with the little humpback, isn't he?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

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Er... There.

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Brian Smith, there. Definitely a fake name.

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Arriving tomorrow, staying for one night. That's him. Right.

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We've got 24 hours to get this place ready.

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I'm all over it.

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Do you want a quick cup of tea?

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No, me neither. No, let's just crack on.

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Yeah, yeah. We haven't got time. Haven't got time for tea.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-What?

-Do you know that biology book we're sharing?

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-The one you keep forgetting to bring to school?

-Sort of.

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I thought I'd save you the bother of forgetting it again on Monday.

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Fine, it's in my room.

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Hannah, are you still doing that door?

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-Look at these fingerprints!

-I've got to use my hands, don't I?

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Do you want me to clean with the cloth with my mouth?

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Just do it again.

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Is your mum all right? She seems a bit uptight.

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Yeah, she's not coping well at the minute with her nerves.

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-We're all pitching in.

-Oh, no!

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Not much good at this stuff.

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-I'm useless at cleaning.

-Here. Let me.

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That's brilliant.

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Could you do a little bit upstairs?

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Oh, well, I suppose I could help for a few...

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Thanks, Carol. That's so nice.

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Where are you going?

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I'm just going to pop up into town for a bit. For supplies.

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If this was the jungle, we'd have leeches stuck all over us.

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Do you think you could take that? I could.

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Good work, soldier.

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-SHE SHOUTS

-Carry on!

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He's in a Zen-like state.

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He's probably studied for years.

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Bet I can make him move.

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ALL SCREAM

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I don't know why he got so mad.

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Now he knows foam balls are his weakness.

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I bet someone took his tin of money while he was chasing us.

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-30p or something. Big deal.

-Negative on that.

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I'm training myself to observe little details,

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so I counted his money.

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£20, £30?

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30 quid for standing about?

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It's not as easy as it looks.

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Yes, it is.

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See?

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Let's do it. We can go to the cinema, see the rest of the film.

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Outstanding.

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You mean doing this in public?

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But we're not licensed!

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Ah!

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-John.

-Kevin.

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I just thought I'd pop across, take a look.

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A bit tacky, these, don't just think?

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I just ordered myself some proper statuary.

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A big piece.

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-Imposing.

-Right.

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Well, I can't unaccountably squat here all day chatting. Got to...

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Not thinking of using that compost on this soil, are you?

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Play havoc with your alkaline levels.

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Yeah. No, yeah, yes. Yeah, I know that.

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I was going to add the alkaline later.

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I do have a green finger.

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You want to get that checked, then.

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Carol.

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-Hello, Mrs Enright. How are you?

-What are you doing?

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Hannah said you needed a bit of help around the place.

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Did she now? Hannah!

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-She isn't here, she's gone to town.

-And left you to do all her cleaning?

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It's no trouble. The last thing you want to do is

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to get worked up about silly things like this.

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-Almost finished anyway.

-What, all of it?

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Just got to tackle the grouting in the downstairs toilet.

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Looks a bit tired.

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Oh, Carol! Thank you so much!

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It doesn't seem right.

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I like cleaning.

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It's very relaxing.

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And it's good to relax, isn't it, Mrs Enright?

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Er... Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

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Now, how about I put the kettle on and you put your feet up for a bit?

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Oh, well, I do feel a bit tired.

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-Are you sure you don't mind?

-It's fine, Ms Enright.

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-Everything is fine.

-Aw!

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Beep-boop-beep!

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How much have we made so far?

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45p.

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What? That's impossible, I've been on it for ages.

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Tourists at 12 o'clock.

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Hold it, hold it.

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Beep-boop-boop!

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A smile? What good's a smile? I can't eat a smile, can I?

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I'm fed up with this. Let's go and see how Ben's doing.

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Nice one, Ben.

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-I'll get some chips, shall I?

-As is.

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Ben!

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Sorry, I was in the zone.

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It's brilliant just not being me for a bit.

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-Shall I get you some chips or not?

-He is fine.

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Rendezvous in a few minutes.

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-I know you're angry.

-That's one word for it.

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This T-shirt was the last one in the shop.

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I had no choice.

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Lovely.

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And if you think about it, Carol did a way better job than me.

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So really you should be thanking me for not cleaning.

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Don't worry. You don't have to do anything around here anymore.

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Really?

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Carol has agreed to help out part-time

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and she's going to do your Saturday shift as well.

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But that's my job. How will I get money?

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You won't.

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You can't just get rid of me.

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All I did was go out and buy a T-shirt.

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It's not just that, though, is it?

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You've not been pulling your weight for a while.

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So that's it? You're replacing me?

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Carol is in and I'm out.

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Oh, this is so unfair!

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You all right, Louie?

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You have to be very good, Simon. They're replacing Hannah with Carol.

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If it can happen to her, it can happen to me.

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Hey, Ben.

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Chips.

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Chips.

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I'm starving.

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Intense concentration and muscle control really takes it out of you.

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How much did we make, then?

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£4.30 until Charlie got hungry.

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You've eaten all the profits?

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We had to do something while you were here enjoying yourself.

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You'll just have to make more tomorrow.

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I'm supposed to be getting the shopping in for my gran.

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Do you want to see the film or not?

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Fine.

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She's probably got a few tins left.

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Ah! What do you think?

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-Is that a...?

-Gorilla.

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Right.

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-A bit odd, isn't it?

-Unique.

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A bit like me in a way.

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An imposing presence in an urban jungle.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, it's all right, I suppose, if you like big monkeys.

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I do.

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I have imagination.

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Not the type to settle for a couple of gnomes.

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A statue. That sounds expensive.

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Or is it a good investment to show the inspector

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that we are a quality establishment?

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Hello, yes, we're looking for a garden statue.

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We'd like a human figure, something classy.

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Yeah, I think we'd like a male about...

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HE WHISPERS How tall?

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4 foot.

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Might be nice to go taller.

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Yeah, somewhere between 4 and 5 foot.

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Have you got any of those Greeky Roman ones?

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I can be Greeky Roman.

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What about that one? Or is that a bit bulky?

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Well, it's not like we're going to be feeding him.

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I don't need a lot for food.

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I'm very cheap to keep.

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Really.

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OK, we'll take the young Roman shepherd boy, please,

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and we'll need that delivered first thing tomorrow morning.

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OK, bye-bye.

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Sorted.

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A Roman shepherd boy, that's really going to impress the inspector.

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-Can we have some sheep?

-No.

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No, no.

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It's called knocking, Hannah. Let's try that.

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Emma and me are supposed to be going skating,

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which is why I bought the T-shirt. But now I have no money.

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OK.

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Thanks for letting us know.

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I want my job back.

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Too late.

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This isn't over.

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DOOR SLAMS

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That is like a warm pastry hug.

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Mmm!

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The inspector is gone to love this. Oh!

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-Sorry, about breakfast...

-Mm-hm.

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-Oh! Those look lovely.

-Don't they?

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Our Carol is quite the pastry chef.

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-Can I have a croissant?

-No.

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They're not for ordinary guests.

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There you go, enjoy.

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Why aren't you in uniform?

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I can't be bothered standing about all day. It's boring.

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I can't make money for the cinema on my own.

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I mean, I'm good, but I'm only human.

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Look at that. It looks just like you, Ben.

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Yeah, if you squint and lower your standards.

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No, I mean, it looks just like you.

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We could stick it in town, people give it money.

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Outstanding.

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Sorry, what?

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Brookville B&B? Got your statue.

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Oh, you brought it to the wrong place.

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No, I've got a name and address right here. Look, Enright.

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Dad again. Oh, he stepped on a rake and bam!

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Right on his face and ever since then he's just not been the same.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Tried to mow the lawn with a bicycle this morning.

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THEY LAUGH

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Look, all I know is I've got to deliver the statue.

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Yeah, to our chippy in town.

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No, I can only deliver it where it says on the system.

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Fair enough.

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As long as he doesn't know it was you, Maurice Lynam.

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What?

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Well, ever since he had the... bam! he has these rages.

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HE SHOUTS I told you two sugars!

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It's scary.

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I've seen him make a grown man cry like little girls.

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It's just best if he doesn't know it was you, Maurice Lynam.

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Well...

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Where is this chippy?

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-Why did you want a statue out here?

-It's like an ad.

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Stick a bag of chips in one hand and a battered sausage in the other.

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One of your dad's ideas, is it?

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Yeah, he thinks it'll be good for business.

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That's why me and my brother stand outside like that. Now, try it out.

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Fair enough. Good luck.

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-Can't tell the difference.

-Yeah, he can stand still, but...

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..where is the finesse?

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Looks like you've got some competition.

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We'll see about that.

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Outstanding.

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Tsss.

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Mr Enright, will you send someone to look at the window in my room?

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Two seconds.

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Hello. I ordered a garden statue for delivery this morning and it's late.

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Enright.

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Roman shepherd boy. No, I don't think it was.

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Well, it's not here, so that's my first clue.

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Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. OK.

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They're going to call me back. They're saying they delivered it.

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-Sure it will turn up. All the guests' bathrooms cleaned?

-Yes.

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-All the woodwork wet dusted and polished?

-Yes.

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-Napkins?

-Ironed.

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-Who irons napkins?

-People who are having an inspection.

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You might as well vacuum the curtains while you're at it.

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Actually, that's not a bad idea.

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Do it.

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Curtains.

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Charlie.

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Tuttle.

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What's this?

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It's...my cousin Steve.

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Your cousin?

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Yeah, don't get too close. He's concentrating.

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That doesn't look like a real person.

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That's how good he is, right, Steve?

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He is concentrating.

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Is that why I can't see him breathing?

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Exactly. Years of training. Now.

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Well, good to run into you.

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Nice to meet you, Steve.

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CRASH

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Oops. You better get Steve down to the doctor's.

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I think he's broken something.

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Oi! Tuttle, you owe my dad a fortune.

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This statue is defective. I'd like a replacement, please.

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Where is the rest of it?

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That's the defect.

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How did it break?

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Let's not get into details about it. Are you going to replace it or not?

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No.

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Call that customer care? I demand to see the manager.

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It's true, a pigeon landed on it and it fell apart.

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Shoddy.

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No luck, then?

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Too bad. Might as well just go home and face the music.

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Hold on a minute.

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Look!

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Let's get one.

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All right, Louie?

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Just getting packed for when the shepherd boy comes.

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-All right, game, is it?

-To you maybe.

0:18:330:18:35

Do you have a spare hair dryer that I can take with me?

0:18:350:18:38

-I don't, no.

-That's all right.

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I will let it dry naturally from now on.

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Tell me again how this isn't stealing.

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We could make loads of money off it so we can come back and pay for it.

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OK, we're going to jail.

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Look, one same as the old one.

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-You climb on there, grab it. We'll wait here.

-Why me?

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You're wearing camouflage.

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Not for sale.

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ENGINE STARTS

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I wasn't expecting that.

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Look, Hannah, I think we should make an effort to get on.

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-I just saw a spider in the guest lounge!

-What?

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-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Charlie?

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Where are you, Ben?

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Where do you think I am? In hell.

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Tell him we're coming. No men left behind.

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Just wait till the truck stops, jump off and run.

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Run where? I'm miles away. I'm completely lost.

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Just look for a bus stop.

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Great idea.

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I will pay the fare with the Roman coins I keep in my toga pocket.

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What?

0:21:070:21:08

-ENGINE STARTS

-I've got to go.

0:21:080:21:10

But, Ben...

0:21:100:21:11

I wonder if I'm going to a new family.

0:21:150:21:17

Maybe they'll be rich, with horses

0:21:170:21:20

and they'll let me have mayonnaise shrimp with clams.

0:21:200:21:23

It won't be as good as this, though.

0:21:270:21:29

I'm not going without a fight.

0:21:340:21:36

OK, so we tell dad we saw a UFO

0:21:370:21:40

and they abducted the statue for experiments.

0:21:400:21:44

Roger that.

0:21:440:21:45

Excellent.

0:21:470:21:48

Similar to the shepherd boy, 0%.

0:22:010:22:04

I am sure Dad won't notice.

0:22:040:22:06

Let's go and play some video games.

0:22:060:22:08

Establishing alibi. Roger that.

0:22:080:22:10

SHE GASPS

0:22:220:22:24

-Look what Carol did.

-Hannah!

0:22:240:22:27

You should fire her. Who knows what she's capable of?

0:22:270:22:31

What have you done?

0:22:310:22:32

Me? I'm trying to put it back in!

0:22:320:22:34

Carol. How could you?

0:22:370:22:38

I didn't do this.

0:22:380:22:40

Well, I don't know who else could have.

0:22:400:22:42

You! You did it!

0:22:420:22:43

-Er... I think maybe I should go.

-No, no, no.

0:22:440:22:47

Look at this mess, I need you. Please!

0:22:470:22:49

I'm much better at cleaning than her.

0:22:490:22:51

I'm sorry, this is getting a bit too weird for me.

0:22:510:22:55

Don't, don't, don't, don't. Carol!

0:22:550:22:57

I want my job back.

0:22:580:23:00

What makes you think you can ask for anything after all you've just done?

0:23:000:23:04

Well, obviously I've been driven insane

0:23:040:23:06

by the stress of having no money.

0:23:060:23:08

Great parenting. Thanks, Mum.

0:23:080:23:11

Hello. Mr Enright here again.

0:23:200:23:24

Yes, young Roman shepherd boy.

0:23:240:23:26

So you just delivered a gorilla?

0:23:260:23:29

Well, the long hairy arms are my first clue.

0:23:290:23:31

No. I know my neighbour's got one. You just delivered one here!

0:23:310:23:36

Look, just get down here.

0:23:360:23:37

Of course there won't be any violence! Why would...

0:23:370:23:39

Unbelievable.

0:23:390:23:41

I won't let them swap me for a shepherd boy.

0:24:030:24:05

OK, buddy.

0:24:070:24:08

I've done loads. I need my money. Skating starts in half an hour.

0:24:120:24:16

In your dreams.

0:24:160:24:17

Hannah, Hannah!

0:24:230:24:25

Living, 7 out of 10.

0:24:270:24:29

Hospitality, 5 out of 10. Food, 4 out of 10.

0:24:290:24:32

Mrs Newman is the hotel inspector.

0:24:320:24:34

If she closes us down, I still get paid, right?

0:24:360:24:39

-All right, where is it?

-What?

0:25:010:25:03

My statue.

0:25:030:25:04

You just couldn't stand me having one up on you, could you?

0:25:040:25:07

-Sorry, am I missing something?

-My gorilla has gone missing.

0:25:070:25:10

When I find out who took it, trouble.

0:25:100:25:12

Listen, I've got a classy Roman shepherd boy arriving any minute.

0:25:120:25:16

What would I want with your gorilla?

0:25:160:25:17

MUFFLED VOICES

0:25:170:25:19

Code red!

0:25:210:25:22

How would I ever know?

0:25:220:25:24

-I know you know.

-How do you know that I know?

0:25:240:25:27

-That doesn't make any sense.

-I just don't know. I know.

0:25:270:25:29

It was Carol.

0:25:350:25:37

I sacked her.

0:25:370:25:38

She was a liability.

0:25:380:25:40

No, no, no, no.

0:25:440:25:45

I don't see my gorilla in 30 seconds, I'm calling the police.

0:25:450:25:48

Oh! Call the police, let's see what they've got to say.

0:25:480:25:51

-Mr Enright?

-Yes!

0:25:530:25:55

I don't want any trouble.

0:25:550:25:56

Look, just give me the Roman shepherd boy, please.

0:25:560:26:00

All right, all right, calm down, calm down, steady on.

0:26:000:26:03

Now, you must understand...

0:26:030:26:04

..that if I swap this statue for the other one,

0:26:060:26:08

I've got to take it back, all right?

0:26:080:26:10

I'm not going to let them take me anywhere!

0:26:120:26:14

Louie!

0:26:160:26:17

HE SCREAMS

0:26:170:26:19

Stop shooting! It's Ben!

0:26:220:26:24

SHRIEKING

0:26:240:26:26

Did you notice our toilet paper is triple quilted?

0:26:260:26:29

It's the best in Scarborough.

0:26:290:26:31

You can't swap me for a shepherd boy.

0:26:310:26:32

No, don't push!

0:26:340:26:36

My gorilla!

0:26:390:26:40

Oh!

0:26:420:26:44

Oh, please don't close us down.

0:26:460:26:47

-I knew it.

-What?

0:26:470:26:49

-It wasn't me. I didn't take it.

-Stick to your gnomes, mate.

0:26:490:26:52

You couldn't handle a statue like this.

0:26:520:26:55

-Don't fuss.

-Sorry.

0:26:550:26:57

I found your stature, Mr Royce.

0:26:580:27:00

Do I get a reward?

0:27:010:27:03

Charlie!

0:27:040:27:05

Come on, Bruce. Let's get you home.

0:27:050:27:07

How can this be right?

0:27:150:27:17

Stick an entire statue together.

0:27:170:27:19

And for what? For trying to earn money to go to the cinema.

0:27:190:27:23

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

0:27:230:27:25

It's a travesty of justice.

0:27:250:27:27

When Ben takes up a career as a human statue, Charlie tries to bring in more cash by 'borrowing' a real one. Meanwhile, Kevin and Helen are determined to make sure that their B&B is spotless for a ruthless hotel inspector.


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