Xmas Special All At Sea

£565 taken off the credit card for my mobile!

Have you been downloading films and stuff on my phone?

No! Give me that!

Hm. Attack of the Giant Anacondas,

Alien Spider Massacre 3.

Remind you of anyone?

I thought it was free. It's the 21st century. Who pays for downloads?

Ho-ho-ho!

I said, ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

-Not the reaction I was hoping for.

-Look!

-500...?! Ooo, Santa is not happy.

-Him. Downloading stuff on my phone.

Now you know they're ripping you off,

I've probably saved you a fortune.

No. I'll tell what you've done, Charlie, you've ruined Christmas.

Hey, come on, love. These things happen.

-It's not the end of the world.

-This was supposed to be our break.

-No guests, put our feet up, get some treats in.

-We'll muddle through.

And we've still got your organic turkey to pick up. That's £80!

We'll cancel the turkey, get a nice chicken.

-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

-Wait.

You know you were thinking about getting me a new smartphone?

We just decided, we're not.

I'm not getting a smartphone because he decided to watch

Attack of the Spider Dogs?!

I know what'll cheer you up.

Listen. Ho-ho-ho!

I've got a little twist that I do when I plant me feet.

Really? That's what you're thinking about?

Well, I want to get it right.

It's quite an honour to be asked to be Santa at the carol service.

I think you'll be brilliant, Dad. Really jolly.

I did have a few quid put by, saving up for me perfume.

You'll always have your perfume, no matter how tight things get.

Not this year. Right. No point crying about it.

Let's make a list.

Good idea. And when you've done it, I'll check it twice.

Still nothing. You are one tough crowd.

They just said no. "No, you're not getting a smartphone."

-Unbelievable!

-Sounds like they can't afford it.

How's that my fault? My old phone's broke!

I literally have no phone! I'm like a ghost!

Hannah?

Loser! That Ted, what a geek!

He is a bit odd.

He was only going out with Poppy for a few days and he bought her a pony.

-What?

-Yeah. His family are minted.

But still, an actual pony.

I forgot wrapping paper. Laters!

Ted! Who are you texting? Your girlfriend?

I don't have one. She rejected me.

What? Must need glasses...does she?

Oh, I see. You're flirting with me.

Am I? I suppose I am!

Santa?!

Oh, it's just you, Dad.

Don't worry, the real Santa's out there getting ready for tonight.

I don't like Santa.

I send him a letter telling him not to come.

Louie, Santa's a lovely man. Very kind.

How do you know? Have you met him?

-Well, no, I've not met him, no.

-He's a stranger.

And you told me not to take anything from strangers.

Santa's different. He's kind, he's...

He's a stranger who can fly

and gives presents to people he hasn't even met!

I can't believe you're even letting him in the house!

And then my mum said I've ruined Christmas.

I feel rotten about it.

You feel sorry for doing something bad? This is huge!

I am very excited!

That's why I'm here. I'm going to buy perfume to make it up to her.

Again, very excited!

Can I have your biggest bottle of this, please?

Large bottle is £90.

Right, OK. Um...could I have that one, the really small one, then?

60.

£60?! That's ridiculous!

Does it give you magical powers? Does it have a genie in the bottle?!

-Go on, clear off!

-Come on!

How am I supposed to get £60?

We could provide a bodyguarding service.

But first, we have to make people think they're in real danger.

That's it! We'll do a Santa's grotto!

Sorry, what?

We'll charge children a fiver and we'll make a fortune.

I'll be Santa, Ben, you can be the elf.

-Why do I have to be the elf?! It's not fair...

-A-hem!

Brilliant. I'd love that(!)

Excellent! That is a military grade grotto.

Ben?

Ben?!

BEN?!

Jim! Call me Jim! I've just seen my neighbours walk past!

So what? You should be proud of this.

I'm feeling a lot of things, but, er...

..proud is NOT one of them.

Ta-da!

-Looks good, doesn't it?

-Superb.

What are you talk...?! You haven't even covered the toilet!

I ran out of decorations.

I'll be sitting on it, it can be Santa's seat.

Well, I've wrapped most of the presents.

Oh, brilliant! Looks proper professional.

The kids will be really delighted when they open them and find

-their ornamental garden toadstool(!)

-Ben, stop complaining.

Oh, what does it mean by self-cleaning?

Oh, that means...

You'll find out.

Argh! Aarrgghh!

-Hannah, there's someone here to see you, love.

-Ted?!

Thought we were meeting in a quiet cafe where nobody knows me.

Not that that's relevant.

-You're Hannah's mum?

-A-huh.

-I thought you'd be younger.

-Excuse me?

Ted! Let's go in the other room.

Good idea. I've done a playlist to teach you about music.

My girlfriend has to like the right bands.

Girlfriend? SHE LAUGHS

Laters!

This is Skangerrr from Iceland.

Definitely the best band in the world.

I'll take you to Iceland one day. We'll see them live.

Yeah, but that's not what I want for Christmas, right?

I know. You want the phone with the six-inch screen.

And the 16 megapixel camera.

So romantic.

Quite expensive.

We've only been going out for four hours and 11 minutes.

I told you, it's not about how long, it's about the connection.

I agree.

I've never felt this close to anyone.

OK. Let's listen to Skangerrr's double album, Ragnarok.

Properly, without stupid talking.

TECHNO

-Ho-ho-ho! Nailed it.

-DOORBELL

Ho-ho... Oh!

Ooo, it's so soft!

Mm. Yes, you see, it's an alpaca-cashmere mix.

-Cost a few quid, I can tell you.

-Pfft!

Yeah, but as I always say, if you're going to do it, do it right.

There's more to Santa than an expensive costume, isn't there?

It's all about the twinkle.

Oh, I can twinkle.

Go on, then.

Hm!

Right, who wants a cup of tea?

'Course, my skills have been recognised.

That's why the vicar chose me to be Santa at the carol service.

Oh, she's not told you, has she?

-This is going to be very awkward.

-Told me...told me what?

I'm doing the carol service.

No, no, no, no, no. It's all been arranged.

Yeah, well, that was before I gave the vicar £600 towards the new roof.

You bribed the vicar?

She offered, you know. It was her way of saying thanks.

Well, what thanks do I get?

I've been in character for weeks, haven't I?

It's been quite exhausting.

Right, better crack on.

Those reindeer won't feed themselves. Ha-ha! Ha!

Ho-ho-ho!

I'm going to pull my beard up now

and it has a tendency to make my eyes water, but I'm not crying.

But it's a toilet.

Oh, well, er...you see, it's a council project,

really trying to use the loos.

It's going to be a dance studio.

-FLUSH!

-Next!

Santa was grumpy with me.

He said if I open it before tomorrow,

it would turn into something rubbish.

This isn't right. I'll be on to the council about you lot!

Oh, sir, this is a grotto.

It's not really used for, er...any other business.

Ho-ho-ho! Who do we have...?

CHARLIE SIGHS

Fine! But no number twos!

That was the vicar.

She's coming to explain why she stabbed me in the heart.

Oh, no! Is that the Christmas bird?

I know. What did they do, starve it to death?

Hey, have you met this Ted, Hannah's new boyfriend?

He seems very controlling.

With Hannah? He must like a challenge.

Why's she going out with someone like that?

Has she got low self-esteem?

Ted wants two mince pies,

not too hot. He likes them around 82 degrees.

No problem, I've got a little thermometer.

T-T-That is quite a specific temperature.

Hannah, I don't think he's right for you.

# Deck the halls... #

I know he seems odd, but trust me, he's...

-Carol singers!

-Ohhhhh!

-Oh, yay!

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Strike the harp and join the chorus

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Follow me in merry measure

# Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

# While I tell of Yuletide treasure

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. #

Oh!

You must be freezing! Come in, girls! Come in!

Who wants a hot drink and a mince pie?

Hey, Carol, everyone, in here!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. In here, in here.

That's right, in you go, in you go.

In the guest lounge. That's right.

The girls won't like Ted, that'll put Hannah right off him.

Look at you, plotting and scheming.

Better watch me step, you might try and topple me.

Not that I'm king or anything, I'm just, um... She's gone.

A Carol singing carols. Funny, innit?

I'm disappointed.

Thought it was boyfriend/girlfriend listening to music time,

not being with random girls.

Any of you even heard of Skangerrr?

Didn't think so.

You two are going out, then?

Yeah. We're very happy.

I bet.

Quite sudden, was it?

Cupid. Sneaky little devil, isn't he?

I think it's great.

And it just shows, there's someone out there for absolutely everyone.

It's true.

Usually, I only go for the very pretty girls,

but there's something about Hannah.

Hi, Darcy, I got you something for Christmas.

A friend.

His name's Little Jackie.

He can be a bit of a character.

Ho ho ho!

What do you want?

I'm just doing my rounds, Louie, you know...

Didn't you get my letter? I don't want anything.

Oh, but I've got it picked out for you. A lovely present.

No. I don't want it!

Leave me alone!

Oh, come on, I'm Santa, you little twit!

Come on! What are you doing in there?

-There's more of them.

-What?!

Hands up who's to see Santa?

Hands up who's for the toilet?

I've got some new recruits to see Santa.

Right, finally!

Now the toilet is closed!

I better get these kids back for their tea.

# I love working for Santa Claus

# Comes to Christmas, he's the boss

# Rudolph has a shiny nose

# At the North Pole it got froze... #

Hey, look!

It's the Santa from the mall.

He's on his lunch break!

Charlie, no!

Come on, Ben!

I've seen you around school.

Laughing.

I'm quite a happy person.

Don't know why.

You've never heard of Skangerrr!

And you ask stupid questions in maths.

I bet she won't do well in life.

Ted! Why don't you go and check on the mince pies?

Because I don't want to.

Oh, is this one of them boyfriend things?

Yes.

I'd better do it then.

You probably think I've lost it, do you?

Well, don't worry, I'm only going out with him

so he'll buy me a phone for Christmas.

Hannah, are you joking?

No! Me and Ted? Come on, give me some credit.

As soon as I get that phone, he is dumped!

What?!

I knew it. Too hot.

I asked for mince pies at a specific temperature.

And that request has been totally ignored.

You'll get used to it. It's called life.

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

Going out with someone for a phone? It's too weird!

And not very nice to be around.

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it!

Carol?

Sorry, Mrs Enright, got to run!

Right, tell me what's going on.

Nothing! What do you mean?

Hannah! Now.

Well, I suppose...

82 degrees.

See?

Just takes a little effort.

Enjoy!

You, come here.

You're going out with him just so he'll buy you a phone? Hannah!

It's your fault!

You won't buy me one and I can't live without a phone.

Might as well not exist!

You know what you've got to do, don't you?

Not dump him when he gives me the phone.

Wait a week till he feels OK...

What?

See? Empty.

We can't do this! We are literally stealing Christmas.

Let's go.

Elf it up.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Thank you so much.

I am Jim and I'll be your elf for today.

Ho ho ho!

I want a real bow and arrow for Christmas.

What for?

To kill pigeons, I don't like them.

Fair enough.

But it's got to be a secret present

because my mum won't let me have real weapons.

I know, right? It's awful.

In the olden days, kids had everything -

knives, bows, arrows, spears...

I bet it was amazing. Now it's all of these stupid rules.

You're a really good Santa.

The mince pies were mediocre.

A 3.8 at best.

We need to talk.

I know. It's one of the hard things about being a boyfriend.

No, what it is, me and you, it's over.

But it was going so well.

No...

I loved being your boyfriend.

I'm really sad.

Don't be sad, it wasn't real anyway.

I was only going out with you so you'd buy me a phone.

And I did.

See?

I thought we'd have years together.

I'll probably see you around.

I hope so.

The six hours 23 minutes we had together

they were the happiest of my life.

You're going to stalk me, aren't you?

You'll be happy here, Little Jackie.

You've got a beautiful view of the garden and...

No!

There are millions of children, why are you picking on me?

Vicar rung me and told me I wasn't doing it right.

Oh, that's terrible.

So I was wondering if Kevin had heard out?

Well, as a matter of fact,

the vicar did ring him up and asked him to step in...

Yeah...

I hope you don't mind me saying this,

but your Santa was a little bit surface.

You know? You need to get inside the character.

Sort of inhabit the role. I'll give you an example.

Ho ho ho!

Hear that? It's got everything.

The laughter of children,

mince pies,

a robin in the snow...

Let me hear yours.

-Kevin!

-I'm trying to help.

Ho ho ho!

-Was that it? Were you doing it then?

-Yeah, I was doing it then.

-Oh, I thought you were just warming up.

-No, I was doing it.

Well, you see, this is the thing.

Not everybody is cut out to wear the red suit, are they?

Right.

I'd better get on then!

See you, Michael.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, bye.

Why did you have to do that? You could see he was upset.

He deserved it. Bribing the vicar!

I don't see why you can't both be Santa at the carols.

Don't be ridiculous!

Oh, actually, that's not a bad idea.

If we were both Santa, everyone will see how I am way better than him

and I'll finally crush him once and for all.

I mean crush him in a nice Christmassy way.

Thank you. See you again.

80 quid in half an hour!

Outstanding!

A tenner for this? Are you having a laugh?

Santa said not to open it or it would turn into something rubbish!

And it has! Look!

We want our money back!

It's your sort that give Santas a bad name!

You're ripping the heart out of Christmas, that's what you're doing!

Yeah, she's got a point!

Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement...

Listen, if you've got a problem, you can speak to our CO.

Oi!

We want our money back!

What money? I haven't had any...

It's that boy!

He took your money! Him, there!

Yes, him over there! I say, you there!

Oh! Oh, madam, I am so sorry.

He assaulted me!

Santa assaulted me!

EVERYONE SHOUTS AT ONCE

Just listen! Listen!

There was a boy!

A boy with an evil face!

Look what we've done! No child should have to see that.

Collateral damage. I hate it, but I've learned to live with it.

Forget all that! Look!

80 quid! More than enough for the perfume!

Mum, why are you making party hats?

You get them from the Christmas crackers.

We're not having Christmas crackers this year.

-It's because we're poor, isn't it?

-Yep.

Mum, Santa's after me. He knows where I live.

Louie...

We should block up the chimney.

Hi, Mum...

Is it snowing?

Yeah.

Ah, it's snowing!

That makes it feel a bit more like a proper Christmas.

It will be.

We made a Santa's grotto at Ben's house, loads of little kids came.

Aw, that sounds nice.

We made enough money to get you this.

What's this?

Go on, open it.

It's my perfume!

Is it the right one? I got the old bottle from your room.

Oh, Charlie, I can't believe it.

That's so lovely!

Yeah. It's just, I didn't want you to be sad on Christmas.

Oh!

Mum!

We're releasing you with a caution.

But you've kept me here for hours! I'm late for carols now!

And it wasn't my fault, there was this boy!

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho! To one and all!

I see what you've done. You've stolen my signature twist.

Get over yourself, will you?

HO HO HO!

HO HO HO HO!

HO HO HO!

HO HO HO HO!

HO HO HO HO!

HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Hi, Dad.

Now, Santa number one, that's your dad.

Santa number two, that's Mr Byrne. All right?

It's all right, mate. We sort of got this covered.

Yeah, get your own carols.

Get out of my way!

You want to spend Christmas in hospital, do you?

Oooh!

Listen, mate, the only reason we'd be in hospital

is if we were visiting you!

Woo!

Ha!!

Well, what are you waiting for?

We've got to go in, mate, but you are one lucky Santa.

You dodged a bullet here, mate. Dodged a bullet.

# God rest ye merry, gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay

# Remember, Christ, our Saviour

# Was born on Christmas day

# To save us all from Satan's power

# When we were gone astray

# O, tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy... #

We will buy you a new phone. In a month or two.

It's all right, Mum. I can wait.

# Now to the Lord's embraces... #

Look!

PHONE RINGS

# O, tidings of comfort and joy... #

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Carol! In a church!

She's got a nerve.

Hannah! Turn it off!

PHONE RINGS LOUDLY

Hannah!

He wanted me to have it!

He said being with me was the happiest six hours of his life!

Didn't you, Ted?

Santa number one...

Santa number two...

The real Santa! He's come for me! Oh, no!

-No, no, no!

-It's OK!

-It's that boy!

-Calm down!

Oi, you! You!

-Calm down. Calm down.

-Get out of my way!

Oh!

No!

Kevin, are you all right?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do anything. Oh, my beard.

Somebody call the police!

I was at the Old Vic! Get off me!

Oh, dear!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Peace and goodwill to all men.

I'm telling you, he's here!

The boy is here!

You were warned, mate. Now it's Christmas in the cells.

You'll never get me! Never!

MUSIC: Ding Dong Merrily On High