Xmas Special All At Sea


Xmas Special

Charlie and his family run a bed and breakfast by the sea. It's Christmas in Scarborough and Charlie, keen to make money, goes into business as a shopping mall Santa.


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Transcript


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£565 taken off the credit card for my mobile!

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Have you been downloading films and stuff on my phone?

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No! Give me that!

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Hm. Attack of the Giant Anacondas,

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Alien Spider Massacre 3.

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Remind you of anyone?

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I thought it was free. It's the 21st century. Who pays for downloads?

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Ho-ho-ho!

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I said, ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

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-Not the reaction I was hoping for.

-Look!

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-500...?! Ooo, Santa is not happy.

-Him. Downloading stuff on my phone.

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Now you know they're ripping you off,

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I've probably saved you a fortune.

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No. I'll tell what you've done, Charlie, you've ruined Christmas.

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Hey, come on, love. These things happen.

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-It's not the end of the world.

-This was supposed to be our break.

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-No guests, put our feet up, get some treats in.

-We'll muddle through.

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And we've still got your organic turkey to pick up. That's £80!

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We'll cancel the turkey, get a nice chicken.

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-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

-Wait.

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You know you were thinking about getting me a new smartphone?

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We just decided, we're not.

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I'm not getting a smartphone because he decided to watch

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Attack of the Spider Dogs?!

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I know what'll cheer you up.

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Listen. Ho-ho-ho!

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I've got a little twist that I do when I plant me feet.

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Really? That's what you're thinking about?

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Well, I want to get it right.

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It's quite an honour to be asked to be Santa at the carol service.

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I think you'll be brilliant, Dad. Really jolly.

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I did have a few quid put by, saving up for me perfume.

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You'll always have your perfume, no matter how tight things get.

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Not this year. Right. No point crying about it.

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Let's make a list.

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Good idea. And when you've done it, I'll check it twice.

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Still nothing. You are one tough crowd.

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They just said no. "No, you're not getting a smartphone."

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-Unbelievable!

-Sounds like they can't afford it.

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How's that my fault? My old phone's broke!

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I literally have no phone! I'm like a ghost!

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Hannah?

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Loser! That Ted, what a geek!

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He is a bit odd.

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He was only going out with Poppy for a few days and he bought her a pony.

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-What?

-Yeah. His family are minted.

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But still, an actual pony.

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I forgot wrapping paper. Laters!

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Ted! Who are you texting? Your girlfriend?

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I don't have one. She rejected me.

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What? Must need glasses...does she?

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Oh, I see. You're flirting with me.

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Am I? I suppose I am!

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Santa?!

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Oh, it's just you, Dad.

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Don't worry, the real Santa's out there getting ready for tonight.

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I don't like Santa.

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I send him a letter telling him not to come.

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Louie, Santa's a lovely man. Very kind.

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How do you know? Have you met him?

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-Well, no, I've not met him, no.

-He's a stranger.

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And you told me not to take anything from strangers.

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Santa's different. He's kind, he's...

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He's a stranger who can fly

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and gives presents to people he hasn't even met!

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I can't believe you're even letting him in the house!

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And then my mum said I've ruined Christmas.

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I feel rotten about it.

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You feel sorry for doing something bad? This is huge!

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I am very excited!

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That's why I'm here. I'm going to buy perfume to make it up to her.

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Again, very excited!

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Can I have your biggest bottle of this, please?

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Large bottle is £90.

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Right, OK. Um...could I have that one, the really small one, then?

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60.

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£60?! That's ridiculous!

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Does it give you magical powers? Does it have a genie in the bottle?!

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-Go on, clear off!

-Come on!

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How am I supposed to get £60?

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We could provide a bodyguarding service.

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But first, we have to make people think they're in real danger.

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That's it! We'll do a Santa's grotto!

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Sorry, what?

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We'll charge children a fiver and we'll make a fortune.

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I'll be Santa, Ben, you can be the elf.

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-Why do I have to be the elf?! It's not fair...

-A-hem!

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Brilliant. I'd love that(!)

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Excellent! That is a military grade grotto.

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Ben?

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Ben?!

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BEN?!

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Jim! Call me Jim! I've just seen my neighbours walk past!

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So what? You should be proud of this.

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I'm feeling a lot of things, but, er...

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..proud is NOT one of them.

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Ta-da!

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-Looks good, doesn't it?

-Superb.

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What are you talk...?! You haven't even covered the toilet!

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I ran out of decorations.

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I'll be sitting on it, it can be Santa's seat.

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Well, I've wrapped most of the presents.

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Oh, brilliant! Looks proper professional.

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The kids will be really delighted when they open them and find

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-their ornamental garden toadstool(!)

-Ben, stop complaining.

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Oh, what does it mean by self-cleaning?

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Oh, that means...

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You'll find out.

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Argh! Aarrgghh!

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-Hannah, there's someone here to see you, love.

-Ted?!

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Thought we were meeting in a quiet cafe where nobody knows me.

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Not that that's relevant.

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-You're Hannah's mum?

-A-huh.

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-I thought you'd be younger.

-Excuse me?

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Ted! Let's go in the other room.

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Good idea. I've done a playlist to teach you about music.

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My girlfriend has to like the right bands.

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Girlfriend? SHE LAUGHS

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Laters!

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This is Skangerrr from Iceland.

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Definitely the best band in the world.

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I'll take you to Iceland one day. We'll see them live.

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Yeah, but that's not what I want for Christmas, right?

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I know. You want the phone with the six-inch screen.

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And the 16 megapixel camera.

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So romantic.

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Quite expensive.

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We've only been going out for four hours and 11 minutes.

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I told you, it's not about how long, it's about the connection.

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I agree.

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I've never felt this close to anyone.

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OK. Let's listen to Skangerrr's double album, Ragnarok.

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Properly, without stupid talking.

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TECHNO

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-Ho-ho-ho! Nailed it.

-DOORBELL

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Ho-ho... Oh!

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Ooo, it's so soft!

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Mm. Yes, you see, it's an alpaca-cashmere mix.

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-Cost a few quid, I can tell you.

-Pfft!

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Yeah, but as I always say, if you're going to do it, do it right.

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There's more to Santa than an expensive costume, isn't there?

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It's all about the twinkle.

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Oh, I can twinkle.

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Go on, then.

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Hm!

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Right, who wants a cup of tea?

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'Course, my skills have been recognised.

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That's why the vicar chose me to be Santa at the carol service.

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Oh, she's not told you, has she?

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-This is going to be very awkward.

-Told me...told me what?

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I'm doing the carol service.

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No, no, no, no, no. It's all been arranged.

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Yeah, well, that was before I gave the vicar £600 towards the new roof.

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You bribed the vicar?

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She offered, you know. It was her way of saying thanks.

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Well, what thanks do I get?

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I've been in character for weeks, haven't I?

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It's been quite exhausting.

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Right, better crack on.

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Those reindeer won't feed themselves. Ha-ha! Ha!

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Ho-ho-ho!

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I'm going to pull my beard up now

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and it has a tendency to make my eyes water, but I'm not crying.

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But it's a toilet.

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Oh, well, er...you see, it's a council project,

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really trying to use the loos.

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It's going to be a dance studio.

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-FLUSH!

-Next!

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Santa was grumpy with me.

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He said if I open it before tomorrow,

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it would turn into something rubbish.

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This isn't right. I'll be on to the council about you lot!

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Oh, sir, this is a grotto.

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It's not really used for, er...any other business.

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Ho-ho-ho! Who do we have...?

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CHARLIE SIGHS

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Fine! But no number twos!

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That was the vicar.

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She's coming to explain why she stabbed me in the heart.

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Oh, no! Is that the Christmas bird?

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I know. What did they do, starve it to death?

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Hey, have you met this Ted, Hannah's new boyfriend?

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He seems very controlling.

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With Hannah? He must like a challenge.

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Why's she going out with someone like that?

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Has she got low self-esteem?

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Ted wants two mince pies,

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not too hot. He likes them around 82 degrees.

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No problem, I've got a little thermometer.

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T-T-That is quite a specific temperature.

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Hannah, I don't think he's right for you.

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# Deck the halls... #

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I know he seems odd, but trust me, he's...

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-Carol singers!

-Ohhhhh!

-Oh, yay!

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# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

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# Strike the harp and join the chorus

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# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

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# Follow me in merry measure

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# Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

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# While I tell of Yuletide treasure

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# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. #

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Oh!

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You must be freezing! Come in, girls! Come in!

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Who wants a hot drink and a mince pie?

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Hey, Carol, everyone, in here!

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no. In here, in here.

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That's right, in you go, in you go.

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In the guest lounge. That's right.

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The girls won't like Ted, that'll put Hannah right off him.

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Look at you, plotting and scheming.

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Better watch me step, you might try and topple me.

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Not that I'm king or anything, I'm just, um... She's gone.

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A Carol singing carols. Funny, innit?

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I'm disappointed.

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Thought it was boyfriend/girlfriend listening to music time,

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not being with random girls.

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Any of you even heard of Skangerrr?

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Didn't think so.

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You two are going out, then?

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Yeah. We're very happy.

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I bet.

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Quite sudden, was it?

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Cupid. Sneaky little devil, isn't he?

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I think it's great.

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And it just shows, there's someone out there for absolutely everyone.

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It's true.

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Usually, I only go for the very pretty girls,

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but there's something about Hannah.

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Hi, Darcy, I got you something for Christmas.

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A friend.

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His name's Little Jackie.

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He can be a bit of a character.

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Ho ho ho!

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What do you want?

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I'm just doing my rounds, Louie, you know...

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Didn't you get my letter? I don't want anything.

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Oh, but I've got it picked out for you. A lovely present.

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No. I don't want it!

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Leave me alone!

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Oh, come on, I'm Santa, you little twit!

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Come on! What are you doing in there?

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-There's more of them.

-What?!

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Hands up who's to see Santa?

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Hands up who's for the toilet?

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I've got some new recruits to see Santa.

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Right, finally!

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Now the toilet is closed!

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I better get these kids back for their tea.

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# I love working for Santa Claus

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# Comes to Christmas, he's the boss

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# Rudolph has a shiny nose

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# At the North Pole it got froze... #

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Hey, look!

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It's the Santa from the mall.

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He's on his lunch break!

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Charlie, no!

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Come on, Ben!

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I've seen you around school.

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Laughing.

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I'm quite a happy person.

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Don't know why.

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You've never heard of Skangerrr!

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And you ask stupid questions in maths.

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I bet she won't do well in life.

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Ted! Why don't you go and check on the mince pies?

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Because I don't want to.

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Oh, is this one of them boyfriend things?

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Yes.

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I'd better do it then.

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You probably think I've lost it, do you?

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Well, don't worry, I'm only going out with him

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so he'll buy me a phone for Christmas.

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Hannah, are you joking?

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No! Me and Ted? Come on, give me some credit.

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As soon as I get that phone, he is dumped!

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What?!

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I knew it. Too hot.

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I asked for mince pies at a specific temperature.

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And that request has been totally ignored.

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You'll get used to it. It's called life.

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Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

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Going out with someone for a phone? It's too weird!

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And not very nice to be around.

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You're just jealous because you didn't think of it!

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Carol?

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Sorry, Mrs Enright, got to run!

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Right, tell me what's going on.

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Nothing! What do you mean?

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Hannah! Now.

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Well, I suppose...

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82 degrees.

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See?

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Just takes a little effort.

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Enjoy!

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You, come here.

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You're going out with him just so he'll buy you a phone? Hannah!

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It's your fault!

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You won't buy me one and I can't live without a phone.

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Might as well not exist!

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You know what you've got to do, don't you?

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Not dump him when he gives me the phone.

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Wait a week till he feels OK...

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What?

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See? Empty.

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We can't do this! We are literally stealing Christmas.

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Let's go.

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Elf it up.

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Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Thank you so much.

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I am Jim and I'll be your elf for today.

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Ho ho ho!

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I want a real bow and arrow for Christmas.

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What for?

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To kill pigeons, I don't like them.

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Fair enough.

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But it's got to be a secret present

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because my mum won't let me have real weapons.

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I know, right? It's awful.

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In the olden days, kids had everything -

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knives, bows, arrows, spears...

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I bet it was amazing. Now it's all of these stupid rules.

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You're a really good Santa.

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The mince pies were mediocre.

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A 3.8 at best.

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We need to talk.

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I know. It's one of the hard things about being a boyfriend.

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No, what it is, me and you, it's over.

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But it was going so well.

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No...

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I loved being your boyfriend.

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I'm really sad.

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Don't be sad, it wasn't real anyway.

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I was only going out with you so you'd buy me a phone.

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And I did.

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See?

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I thought we'd have years together.

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I'll probably see you around.

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I hope so.

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The six hours 23 minutes we had together

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they were the happiest of my life.

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You're going to stalk me, aren't you?

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You'll be happy here, Little Jackie.

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You've got a beautiful view of the garden and...

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No!

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There are millions of children, why are you picking on me?

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Vicar rung me and told me I wasn't doing it right.

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Oh, that's terrible.

0:19:050:19:07

So I was wondering if Kevin had heard out?

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Well, as a matter of fact,

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the vicar did ring him up and asked him to step in...

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Yeah...

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I hope you don't mind me saying this,

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but your Santa was a little bit surface.

0:19:240:19:26

You know? You need to get inside the character.

0:19:260:19:29

Sort of inhabit the role. I'll give you an example.

0:19:290:19:32

Ho ho ho!

0:19:320:19:35

Hear that? It's got everything.

0:19:370:19:39

The laughter of children,

0:19:390:19:40

mince pies,

0:19:400:19:41

a robin in the snow...

0:19:410:19:43

Let me hear yours.

0:19:430:19:44

-Kevin!

-I'm trying to help.

0:19:440:19:46

Ho ho ho!

0:19:490:19:51

-Was that it? Were you doing it then?

-Yeah, I was doing it then.

0:19:510:19:54

-Oh, I thought you were just warming up.

-No, I was doing it.

0:19:540:19:57

Well, you see, this is the thing.

0:19:570:19:59

Not everybody is cut out to wear the red suit, are they?

0:19:590:20:02

Right.

0:20:020:20:04

I'd better get on then!

0:20:050:20:07

See you, Michael.

0:20:070:20:08

-Yeah.

-Yeah, bye.

0:20:080:20:11

Why did you have to do that? You could see he was upset.

0:20:170:20:20

He deserved it. Bribing the vicar!

0:20:200:20:22

I don't see why you can't both be Santa at the carols.

0:20:220:20:25

Don't be ridiculous!

0:20:250:20:26

Oh, actually, that's not a bad idea.

0:20:260:20:28

If we were both Santa, everyone will see how I am way better than him

0:20:280:20:32

and I'll finally crush him once and for all.

0:20:320:20:35

I mean crush him in a nice Christmassy way.

0:20:350:20:37

Thank you. See you again.

0:20:390:20:41

80 quid in half an hour!

0:20:430:20:45

Outstanding!

0:20:450:20:47

A tenner for this? Are you having a laugh?

0:20:490:20:52

Santa said not to open it or it would turn into something rubbish!

0:20:520:20:55

And it has! Look!

0:20:550:20:57

We want our money back!

0:20:570:20:59

It's your sort that give Santas a bad name!

0:20:590:21:02

You're ripping the heart out of Christmas, that's what you're doing!

0:21:020:21:05

Yeah, she's got a point!

0:21:050:21:07

Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement...

0:21:070:21:10

Listen, if you've got a problem, you can speak to our CO.

0:21:100:21:14

Oi!

0:21:140:21:16

We want our money back!

0:21:180:21:19

What money? I haven't had any...

0:21:190:21:22

It's that boy!

0:21:230:21:25

He took your money! Him, there!

0:21:250:21:27

Yes, him over there! I say, you there!

0:21:270:21:29

Oh! Oh, madam, I am so sorry.

0:21:310:21:33

He assaulted me!

0:21:330:21:35

Santa assaulted me!

0:21:350:21:37

EVERYONE SHOUTS AT ONCE

0:21:370:21:41

Just listen! Listen!

0:21:460:21:48

There was a boy!

0:21:480:21:49

A boy with an evil face!

0:21:500:21:53

Look what we've done! No child should have to see that.

0:21:560:22:01

Collateral damage. I hate it, but I've learned to live with it.

0:22:010:22:04

Forget all that! Look!

0:22:040:22:06

80 quid! More than enough for the perfume!

0:22:060:22:09

Mum, why are you making party hats?

0:22:160:22:18

You get them from the Christmas crackers.

0:22:180:22:20

We're not having Christmas crackers this year.

0:22:200:22:23

-It's because we're poor, isn't it?

-Yep.

0:22:230:22:26

Mum, Santa's after me. He knows where I live.

0:22:260:22:30

Louie...

0:22:300:22:31

We should block up the chimney.

0:22:310:22:33

Hi, Mum...

0:22:330:22:34

Is it snowing?

0:22:340:22:36

Yeah.

0:22:360:22:37

Ah, it's snowing!

0:22:390:22:41

That makes it feel a bit more like a proper Christmas.

0:22:440:22:46

It will be.

0:22:460:22:47

We made a Santa's grotto at Ben's house, loads of little kids came.

0:22:470:22:51

Aw, that sounds nice.

0:22:510:22:53

We made enough money to get you this.

0:22:540:22:57

What's this?

0:22:580:22:59

Go on, open it.

0:22:590:23:01

It's my perfume!

0:23:030:23:05

Is it the right one? I got the old bottle from your room.

0:23:050:23:08

Oh, Charlie, I can't believe it.

0:23:080:23:11

That's so lovely!

0:23:110:23:13

Yeah. It's just, I didn't want you to be sad on Christmas.

0:23:130:23:17

Oh!

0:23:190:23:20

Mum!

0:23:230:23:24

We're releasing you with a caution.

0:23:310:23:33

But you've kept me here for hours! I'm late for carols now!

0:23:330:23:36

And it wasn't my fault, there was this boy!

0:23:360:23:40

Merry Christmas!

0:23:410:23:43

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

0:23:450:23:48

Ho ho ho! To one and all!

0:23:480:23:50

I see what you've done. You've stolen my signature twist.

0:23:500:23:52

Get over yourself, will you?

0:23:520:23:54

HO HO HO!

0:23:540:23:55

HO HO HO HO!

0:23:550:23:56

HO HO HO!

0:23:560:23:57

HO HO HO HO!

0:23:570:23:58

HO HO HO HO!

0:23:580:24:00

HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

0:24:000:24:01

Hi, Dad.

0:24:010:24:03

Now, Santa number one, that's your dad.

0:24:050:24:08

Santa number two, that's Mr Byrne. All right?

0:24:080:24:12

It's all right, mate. We sort of got this covered.

0:24:160:24:19

Yeah, get your own carols.

0:24:190:24:21

Get out of my way!

0:24:210:24:23

You want to spend Christmas in hospital, do you?

0:24:260:24:30

Oooh!

0:24:300:24:31

Listen, mate, the only reason we'd be in hospital

0:24:310:24:34

is if we were visiting you!

0:24:340:24:35

Woo!

0:24:370:24:39

Ha!!

0:24:420:24:43

Well, what are you waiting for?

0:24:450:24:47

We've got to go in, mate, but you are one lucky Santa.

0:24:470:24:50

You dodged a bullet here, mate. Dodged a bullet.

0:24:500:24:53

# God rest ye merry, gentlemen

0:25:000:25:02

# Let nothing you dismay

0:25:020:25:05

# Remember, Christ, our Saviour

0:25:050:25:07

# Was born on Christmas day

0:25:070:25:09

# To save us all from Satan's power

0:25:090:25:13

# When we were gone astray

0:25:130:25:15

# O, tidings of comfort and joy

0:25:150:25:19

# Comfort and joy... #

0:25:190:25:20

We will buy you a new phone. In a month or two.

0:25:200:25:23

It's all right, Mum. I can wait.

0:25:230:25:25

# Now to the Lord's embraces... #

0:25:260:25:29

Look!

0:25:300:25:32

PHONE RINGS

0:25:370:25:41

# O, tidings of comfort and joy... #

0:25:410:25:44

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

0:25:440:25:47

Carol! In a church!

0:25:490:25:51

She's got a nerve.

0:25:510:25:53

Hannah! Turn it off!

0:25:530:25:55

PHONE RINGS LOUDLY

0:25:550:26:00

Hannah!

0:26:020:26:03

He wanted me to have it!

0:26:030:26:05

He said being with me was the happiest six hours of his life!

0:26:050:26:08

Didn't you, Ted?

0:26:080:26:09

Santa number one...

0:26:110:26:13

Santa number two...

0:26:130:26:16

The real Santa! He's come for me! Oh, no!

0:26:160:26:19

-No, no, no!

-It's OK!

0:26:190:26:21

-It's that boy!

-Calm down!

0:26:210:26:23

Oi, you! You!

0:26:230:26:25

-Calm down. Calm down.

-Get out of my way!

0:26:250:26:27

Oh!

0:26:270:26:28

No!

0:26:330:26:34

Kevin, are you all right?

0:26:360:26:37

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do anything. Oh, my beard.

0:26:370:26:41

Somebody call the police!

0:26:410:26:43

I was at the Old Vic! Get off me!

0:26:430:26:45

Oh, dear!

0:26:450:26:46

Merry Christmas, everyone!

0:26:540:26:56

Peace and goodwill to all men.

0:26:560:26:58

I'm telling you, he's here!

0:26:580:27:01

The boy is here!

0:27:010:27:02

You were warned, mate. Now it's Christmas in the cells.

0:27:020:27:06

You'll never get me! Never!

0:27:060:27:08

MUSIC: Ding Dong Merrily On High

0:27:080:27:13

It's Christmas in Scarborough and Charlie, keen to make money, goes into business as a shopping mall Santa - but can he avoid the anger of local parents and disappointed children? Meanwhile, Hannah is dating a new boy because he gives very expensive Christmas presents, and Louie thinks Santa is a dangerous criminal.