Wreath All At Sea

-Cover me.

-Fire!

I just don't think you should have lied to them.

I didn't lie, I just said we'd hosted wakes before.

That's a lie.

Well, yes, but people need to feel they're in experienced hands

in order to trust you on such an important day.

Zombie, four o'clock!

Just keep it down, you lot. Remember what I said about the wake.

What's a wake?

A wake's a sort of a party you have after a funeral.

Jelly and ice cream!

Charlie, you don't have jelly and ice cream when somebody's died.

Oh, right. Just balloons, then?

No, of course you don't have...

What?

They're black. Really original, they're going to love it.

Oh, its hand just came off.

Reload, it's still alive!

That's totally unrealistic.

Its nerve endings would've just been ripped off.

What you doing? That was educational!

Isn't there something you'd like to see at the cinema?

Well, there's a cracking documentary about climate change at...

BOTH: Death Chase 2!

I'll give you the money for the cinema tickets

if you make yourselves scarce for the morning.

Woooooo!

Death Chase 2! Yes!

-Death Chase 2!

-Will you keep the noise down?!

Ben, will you remind them that someone's dead?

Sorry about the noise. They're off to watch Death Cha...

-a film. I'm not sure what it's about.

-Yeah.

Yeah, you can expect a much more sombre experience from now on.

Do you like the balloons? The black balloons?

They are sort of fun, but sad.

You can expect a whole different level of wake experience

here at Brookville.

And yes, I will be getting changed, obviously.

-Brad. Brad!

-SHE SOBS LOUDLY

Teenagers, eh? Everything's a tragedy.

Although, some things are a tragedy.

Like what's happened to your dear, dear...dear...

HANNAH YELLS

I'm going to go and see what's the matter over there.

Everything all right?

I've been dumped, haven't I?

Who by?

Brad. My boyfriend?

I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Well, I haven't any more. I've got an ex boyfriend!

Well, yeah, but that's still good though, yeah?

I'd just like to say how happy I am

that you've chosen us to host your wake.

Er, I mean, not happy that you've obviously... Not...

We're very sorry for your loss.

It's OK, honey.

Auntie Rita was a very old lady.

I never even got to meet her.

We live 4,000 miles away, sweetie.

Troy struck up a relationship with her on the internet.

It was nice for the two of them.

Oh, so you're not expecting many people back after the funeral then?

Just a few friends of hers, I think.

-HANNAH:

-Brad! Oh, Brad!

Well, you know, if there's anything we can do...?

We do have a wreath at the florists.

Oh, yes, we'll get that for you. No problem.

All part of the service.

HE MOUTHS

He was so kind.

He was buying me ice creams.

Aw.

And raspberry sauce,

flakes and sprinkles.

Right.

Was he an ice cream man?

He works at the stand on the front.

Oh, I know him.

He's the one with the flat top and the stupid...

He's really lush, OK?! Caring.

He went to visit his nan every day.

See, that's very dedicated.

And boring. I told him to forget about her.

But he dumped me.

He thinks I'm shallow and insensitive.

Oh. I'm sure that's not true.

Yeah, it is. He says it right here.

Well, you know, dumping someone by text, that's pretty insensitive.

Don't have a go at Brad!

Careful of Maude!

Who's Maude?

The carrier bag, fine.

What is wrong with this family?!

Here's the money for the cinema...

if you pick up a wreath from the florists for Mr and Mrs Milne.

What? You never said we had to work for it. We're children.

That's the deal. Take it or leave it.

Maybe we should leave it.

Death Chase 1 was really violent.

We'll take it.

The film starts in half an hour. Let's ship out, people.

Go, go, go!

What's that you say, Maude? You've found five potatoes?

No. These are stones.

Three stones.

One, two, three.

Three stones, NOT five potatoes.

Maude?

Maude?

What do you think? Sombre enough?

My deepest condolences.

Sorry. Didn't know you were there.

Are you feeling any better now?

No. How can he call me shallow and insensitive?

I was talking to Troy.

And I'M the insensitive one?!

Oh, Louie, what on earth's the matter?

Maude. She blew up a tree.

Oh.

Well, it's only a bag. I'm sure you'll find some other...

thing to get just as attached to.

I won't! I'll never find anything to replace Maude.

Never.

OK. Well, go and ask your dad to get the ladders out.

Can you stop sniffling? It's really getting on my...

There, there. Can you try and bottle it up, yeah?

This is rubbish. Why do they have to write in massive flowers?

Why can't they just send a card?

We should move it as a unit. I'll take point.

No, if we take it back now, then we'll miss the adverts.

But we have to take it.

Don't they need it for the funeral?

Yeah, but that will be ages away.

We'll take it back AFTER the film.

Three for Death Chase 2, please.

You're not coming in with that.

-Why not?

-It'll obstruct the aisle.

But it's made of flowers. It'll brighten the place up.

You're not bringing it in.

Look, I didn't want to tell you this, but his auntie died last week.

I mean, look at him, he's traumatised.

He's not going to let that go.

It's all he's got.

He can bring it in IF he buys a seat for it.

That's the best I can do.

Wait here a sec.

OK, here's the plan. Me and Alison will go inside and buy our tickets.

-Ben, you go to the side door with the wreath.

-Why me?

Cos I told him you've gone mad and won't let go of it.

Yeah, Ben, keep up.

Then we'll open the side door, you pass through the wreath,

-come back here and buy your ticket.

-Outstanding!

I thought I went mad and wouldn't let go of it?

Won't he notice when I haven't got it?

Just say you've been cured or something. Do a little happy dance.

Am I supposed to come up with everything? Now, go on, go.

Louie, Louie, I'm sorry, I tried my best.

Oh.

Hiya.

Oh, there was a carrier bag in a tree.

But it blew away and I fell off the ladder.

Nothing to see here.

I'll be smarter than this for the wake.

I've got another suit. Somewhere.

OK.

Ah, Achilles...

But Brad was the one.

I know it feels like that now, but honestly, things change.

No-one ever ends up with their first choice.

Or even their second.

You know, if you just try going out with someone else,

you might find that, in time, you...

I can make Brad jealous! I could use Troy.

Thanks, Mum, that's a brilliant idea.

No, no, no. I wasn't suggesting that you...

Troy?

Seriously, I was your third choice?

Fourth?!

-Ben, push it through. Push it through!

-Steady.

-Easy.

-Careful.

-Come on! Step it up, soldier!

Come on, Ben, hurry up! Ben!

-Be careful!

-Hurry up!

You can't ban us when it was your fault

we had to sneak it in in the first place!

Come on!

Thanks for taking me out, Hannah.

Girls don't pay me much attention at home.

Can't think why that is(!)

But don't you like me?

Of course I do. We're going for a walk, aren't we?

Look, I'll take you to the front and buy you an ice cream.

Hey, is that about a missing bag?

Ignore that.

How's it coming?

I think I've fixed it.

Ant?!

She's not an ant, Ben, she's a human. Have some respect.

Do you think if we tell the truth, they'll forgive us?

No! We never crack, not even under torture.

Well, what are we going to do, then?

We will just have to get another wreath.

Where are we going to get another wreath?

Just think. Where do they have loads of wreaths, just lying about?

The graveyard! There's tonnes.

-We could have one of those.

-Outstanding.

That's stealing!

No, Ben, it's not stealing.

You can't steal off dead people.

Sorry, you're right. It's not stealing...

it's grave robbing!

It's recycling. Just think, we're saving the planet.

Yeah, Ben, do you hate the planet or something?

No.

Great. So now all we need to do

is find another funeral with a dead aunt.

That's it, Troy. You have a good cry.

Let it all out.

No, it's OK. You were right, this really is helping.

You want to lean on my shoulder, sob on it, like before?

I'm really sensitive!

No. The sea air's really helping me get things in perspective.

No, it isn't! Come on, Troy.

Let...me...

Come here, you!

Hannah! What are you doing?!

I thought I was helping you. I thought you had feelings.

But it turns out you never cared about your auntie at all.

How could you say that?

A bit of a walk, couple of lungfuls of sea air

and you've forgotten all about her.

What kind of monster are you?

I must be a terrible person!

There, there, Troy.

Can I put a poster on your window, please?

What's it for?

It's for Maude. She's gone missing.

Aw, I lost a cat last year.

She's not a cat.

Hey, Brad. Can I have a 99?

Sure. Is he all right?

What, Troy? No.

He's got a funeral this afternoon.

But I'm supporting him through it.

You?

Yeah, it's all part of my...

Well, I don't really like to talk about it.

-Talk about what?

-Nothing.

Come on, what do you mean?

Just a bit of voluntary work, you know?

Helping people with problems.

I didn't know you did that sort of stuff.

No, well, I like to keep it quiet.

I don't want everyone saying how great I am all the time.

It's embarrassing.

Well, I suppose if more people knew,

I wouldn't get called shallow and insensitive.

Anyway, thanks for this.

See you around.

Hannah.

Yeah?

I'm going to see my nan later.

-She likes a bit of company. Maybe you could...

-Come with you?

Yeah, I'd love to. See you tonight, then.

I can't see any decent ones.

Are you sure there was a dead aunt at this funeral?

The advert says, "Wife, mother and beloved aunt".

Target acquired.

Aw, it's even bigger than the other one! Wait here.

(Ben!)

(Charlie! Charlie!)

Oi!

I'm so sorry, I don't know where he could have got to.

He's normally so reliable.

Yeah, no, it's sort of weird.

He's never forgot a wreath before, has he?

-Never.

-Never.

Yeah, sorry about the suit.

I sort of destroyed most of mine when I left the bank.

Maybe you could use this as a makeshift wreath until he turns up.

Maybe?

I'm sure he'll be back any minute now.

Yeah.

And now I'd like to ask for a moment's silence

to reflect on the remarkable life of Claire Thompson.

And now it's time for the eulogy,

delivered by a young man very close to Claire's heart.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Erm...

Erm...

-BEN:

-Are you sure he's even in here?

-ALISON:

-They are probably extracting intelligence from him right now.

I don't think vicars are allowed to extract intelligence from children.

It might not be a vicar, Ben.

(It could be agnostics. They can do whatever they want.)

Erm... So this is a funeral...

..for...

Claire.

She was a lady...

..with brown hair...

..and a family, like you...

..and you

and you.

OK, not you. Because I was there when she was on her deathbed.

"Henry," she said, "tell them, all of them,

"tell them I loved them all, even that one

"that's not part of my family."

She said, "I don't mind I'm going to die.

"I'm really not that bothered," she said.

"The most important thing is that when I'm gone,

"you have my biggest wreath."

Oi!

Run! Run!

Where?

Get in here! Quick! Go!

Shut the door! Come on!

Where to, then?

Brookville B&B, please.

You got it. OK.

Here are her ashes. Have you got anything planned for them?

Are we leaving already?

That's it. We're going to have to go, with or without the wreath.

-BUZZ

-There he is now.

She's lost for ever. Blown away on the wind...

Just here on the right. Great.

Let's get out of here.

-Thanks, driver.

-Thanks.

There, that was easy.

Except, we've got a tail.

Come on, let's go.

I am sure they are on the way.

There is a 20-mile speed limit on this road so sometimes...

Look, here they are! I told you they wouldn't be long.

Here's your wreath. Enjoy the funeral!

I thought the funeral wasn't till one?

So did I. I thought the funeral was at one?

No, noon. You missed it.

Troy?

Go to the back door.

It's locked!

Where do you think you're going?

For a breath of air.

No chance. Get in there and hand these out.

And we'll have words later about that wreath.

You, too.

What are we going to do?

They're going to find out that they're at the wrong wake, then

they'll know you took the wreath, then we'll all be arrested for...

I don't know. What's this crime called?

We've invented a new crime!

Are you OK?

I don't know.

I keep trying to tell myself she had an amazing life, but...

Yeah, she really did. What with the sailing

-and the water-skiing...

-Water-skiing?

Yeah, she was British Champion.

And that year she worked as a nurse in Africa.

Took her life in her hands a few times, eh?

She had some stories...

Did she?

That's why she wrote the novel, of course.

I never knew her at all!

HE SOBS

MUSIC PLAYS

I told you to turn that off!

What? Isn't anybody allowed to be happy around here any more?

What is wrong with you?

I'll never see Maude again.

It's OK. Panic over.

What about that?

I'm Francesca from the Canadian side. How did you know Aunt...?

Sorry! Friendly fire. Let's get you cleaned up.

Right, I've got to get rid of this.

Stop her from talking to anyone else.

Thank you all for coming.

This means a lot, she would have been so pleased.

We specialise in wakes here at Brookville,

so if you ever need to organise a funeral, we...

Charlie, would you hand these out for me?

-Right. But, I was just...

-Now.

Sorry, is that your son?

Oh, yes. Sorry, what's he done now?

I just wanted to say, his words really moved me today.

You must be very proud.

Oh. Well, yes, yes, we are. Thank you.

Hey, did you hear that?

Charlie's been offering words of comfort to the guests.

Isn't that nice? Are you all right?

I think I have got chive in my eye.

Go and get changed.

Hi. I'm Francesca...

No! You don't want to talk to him!

You haven't even...

# Oh, Danny boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling

# From glen to glen and down the mountainside... #

It's very sad. She was an old bag, but I loved her.

# All the leaves are falling

# 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide

# But come ye back. #

Erm...

Erm.

# Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor?

# A lovely day... #

This isn't going to last long.

We need another plan to stop them talking.

Something clever, so they get the blame for everything and not us.

How are we going to do that...?

-Everything OK?

-Yes, thanks.

-Great. Good do, isn't it?

Just hope none of those funeral crashers turn up today.

Funeral crashers...?

Yeah, I heard there's some in town. A Canadian couple, they say.

Apparently they just turn up to people's funerals and...

Eat all the food, pretend the dead person was their auntie.

-Sometimes they can work...

-Three funerals in a day,

exploiting grieving relatives just to get free food from a buffet.

It's disgusting. Some Canadian couple, apparently...

# I've got all my love to give

# I will survive!

# I will survive! #

Yes, very good, thank you.

# Ah... #

No! No more. That was great.

Excuse me. Would you mind telling me who you are, exactly?

Sure, I'm Francesca. From the Canadian side of...

Canadian, eh? And I suppose you're here to mourn your aunt?

-Yes...

-Who do you know here?

Well, no-one. I kind of thought one or two people might...

That's enough. Come on. Put these down.

What?! What are you doing? Why are you doing that?

-We know about your sort.

-Our sort?! How dare you!

-Get off of my vol-au-vents!

-What's going on...?

This man is trying to steal my food!

I'm stealing food? That's rich. They're the Canadians.

-Call the police!

-The police?

You people disgust me.

I've just buried my mother.

What garbage. She didn't have a son.

You're right, you're right.

-She had three.

-This is nonsense. Graham, tell them...

It's true, Mum, it's all true.

She had a secret life she never told us about.

A whole second family!

I think you should leave.

I most certainly will not. This is OUR wake, YOU should leave.

Please get this man to leave this house.

EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE

I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation...

Maude was lovely, but you're beautiful.

I'm going to call you Madge.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Oh, Madge, you're full of dirt.

Hannah, it's a disaster.

Get off, you'll ruin my top!

Just stop your blubbing.

Hannah? I thought you were helping him.

I am, it's just... It's his fault!

He's really annoying, he won't stop crying! Brad!

I want to visit your nan with you, I don't care how boring she is! Brad!

Oh, Troy.

You're so shallow and insensitive!

I am not insensitive, I am misunderstood.

You've ruined our day. I hope you're happy!

What the...? No!

Hey, no! No!

Madge!

That's right, off you go.

You'd pay for your own mother's wake if you loved her so much!

I can't leave her in the bin.

Well, that was strange.

Well...grief can do funny things to people.

That must be what it is. I mean, there's no other explanation.

We're proud of you, though, Charlie.

We heard all the comfort you gave with your words.

What can I say? I like to spread a little happiness in the world.

Who's this, then?

Francesca? We were expecting to see you at the funeral.

You!

-Charlie...?

-It's OK. I can explain...

Charlie?!

How can this be right?

Weeding the crematorium flower beds for a week, and for what?

For trying to get someone a nice big wreath for the funeral.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!