Wreath All At Sea


Wreath

Charlie and his family run a bed and breakfast by the sea. Charlie causes chaos for two different sets of mourners when he attempts to replace a funeral wreath.


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Transcript


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-Cover me.

-Fire!

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I just don't think you should have lied to them.

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I didn't lie, I just said we'd hosted wakes before.

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That's a lie.

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Well, yes, but people need to feel they're in experienced hands

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in order to trust you on such an important day.

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Zombie, four o'clock!

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Just keep it down, you lot. Remember what I said about the wake.

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What's a wake?

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A wake's a sort of a party you have after a funeral.

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Jelly and ice cream!

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Charlie, you don't have jelly and ice cream when somebody's died.

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Oh, right. Just balloons, then?

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No, of course you don't have...

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What?

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They're black. Really original, they're going to love it.

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Oh, its hand just came off.

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Reload, it's still alive!

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That's totally unrealistic.

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Its nerve endings would've just been ripped off.

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What you doing? That was educational!

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Isn't there something you'd like to see at the cinema?

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Well, there's a cracking documentary about climate change at...

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BOTH: Death Chase 2!

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I'll give you the money for the cinema tickets

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if you make yourselves scarce for the morning.

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Woooooo!

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Death Chase 2! Yes!

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-Death Chase 2!

-Will you keep the noise down?!

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Ben, will you remind them that someone's dead?

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Sorry about the noise. They're off to watch Death Cha...

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-a film. I'm not sure what it's about.

-Yeah.

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Yeah, you can expect a much more sombre experience from now on.

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Do you like the balloons? The black balloons?

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They are sort of fun, but sad.

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You can expect a whole different level of wake experience

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here at Brookville.

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And yes, I will be getting changed, obviously.

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-Brad. Brad!

-SHE SOBS LOUDLY

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Teenagers, eh? Everything's a tragedy.

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Although, some things are a tragedy.

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Like what's happened to your dear, dear...dear...

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HANNAH YELLS

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I'm going to go and see what's the matter over there.

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Everything all right?

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I've been dumped, haven't I?

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Who by?

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Brad. My boyfriend?

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I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

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Well, I haven't any more. I've got an ex boyfriend!

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Well, yeah, but that's still good though, yeah?

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I'd just like to say how happy I am

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that you've chosen us to host your wake.

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Er, I mean, not happy that you've obviously... Not...

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We're very sorry for your loss.

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It's OK, honey.

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Auntie Rita was a very old lady.

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I never even got to meet her.

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We live 4,000 miles away, sweetie.

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Troy struck up a relationship with her on the internet.

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It was nice for the two of them.

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Oh, so you're not expecting many people back after the funeral then?

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Just a few friends of hers, I think.

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-HANNAH:

-Brad! Oh, Brad!

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Well, you know, if there's anything we can do...?

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We do have a wreath at the florists.

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Oh, yes, we'll get that for you. No problem.

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All part of the service.

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HE MOUTHS

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He was so kind.

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He was buying me ice creams.

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Aw.

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And raspberry sauce,

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flakes and sprinkles.

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Right.

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Was he an ice cream man?

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He works at the stand on the front.

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Oh, I know him.

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He's the one with the flat top and the stupid...

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He's really lush, OK?! Caring.

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He went to visit his nan every day.

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See, that's very dedicated.

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And boring. I told him to forget about her.

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But he dumped me.

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He thinks I'm shallow and insensitive.

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Oh. I'm sure that's not true.

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Yeah, it is. He says it right here.

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Well, you know, dumping someone by text, that's pretty insensitive.

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Don't have a go at Brad!

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Careful of Maude!

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Who's Maude?

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The carrier bag, fine.

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What is wrong with this family?!

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Here's the money for the cinema...

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if you pick up a wreath from the florists for Mr and Mrs Milne.

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What? You never said we had to work for it. We're children.

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That's the deal. Take it or leave it.

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Maybe we should leave it.

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Death Chase 1 was really violent.

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We'll take it.

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The film starts in half an hour. Let's ship out, people.

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Go, go, go!

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What's that you say, Maude? You've found five potatoes?

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No. These are stones.

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Three stones.

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One, two, three.

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Three stones, NOT five potatoes.

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Maude?

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Maude?

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What do you think? Sombre enough?

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My deepest condolences.

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Sorry. Didn't know you were there.

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Are you feeling any better now?

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No. How can he call me shallow and insensitive?

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I was talking to Troy.

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And I'M the insensitive one?!

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Oh, Louie, what on earth's the matter?

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Maude. She blew up a tree.

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Oh.

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Well, it's only a bag. I'm sure you'll find some other...

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thing to get just as attached to.

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I won't! I'll never find anything to replace Maude.

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Never.

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OK. Well, go and ask your dad to get the ladders out.

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Can you stop sniffling? It's really getting on my...

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There, there. Can you try and bottle it up, yeah?

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This is rubbish. Why do they have to write in massive flowers?

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Why can't they just send a card?

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We should move it as a unit. I'll take point.

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No, if we take it back now, then we'll miss the adverts.

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But we have to take it.

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Don't they need it for the funeral?

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Yeah, but that will be ages away.

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We'll take it back AFTER the film.

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Three for Death Chase 2, please.

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You're not coming in with that.

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-Why not?

-It'll obstruct the aisle.

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But it's made of flowers. It'll brighten the place up.

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You're not bringing it in.

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Look, I didn't want to tell you this, but his auntie died last week.

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I mean, look at him, he's traumatised.

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He's not going to let that go.

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It's all he's got.

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He can bring it in IF he buys a seat for it.

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That's the best I can do.

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Wait here a sec.

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OK, here's the plan. Me and Alison will go inside and buy our tickets.

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-Ben, you go to the side door with the wreath.

-Why me?

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Cos I told him you've gone mad and won't let go of it.

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Yeah, Ben, keep up.

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Then we'll open the side door, you pass through the wreath,

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-come back here and buy your ticket.

-Outstanding!

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I thought I went mad and wouldn't let go of it?

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Won't he notice when I haven't got it?

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Just say you've been cured or something. Do a little happy dance.

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Am I supposed to come up with everything? Now, go on, go.

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Louie, Louie, I'm sorry, I tried my best.

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Oh.

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Hiya.

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Oh, there was a carrier bag in a tree.

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But it blew away and I fell off the ladder.

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Nothing to see here.

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I'll be smarter than this for the wake.

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I've got another suit. Somewhere.

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OK.

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Ah, Achilles...

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But Brad was the one.

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I know it feels like that now, but honestly, things change.

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No-one ever ends up with their first choice.

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Or even their second.

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You know, if you just try going out with someone else,

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you might find that, in time, you...

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I can make Brad jealous! I could use Troy.

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Thanks, Mum, that's a brilliant idea.

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No, no, no. I wasn't suggesting that you...

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Troy?

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Seriously, I was your third choice?

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Fourth?!

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-Ben, push it through. Push it through!

-Steady.

-Easy.

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-Careful.

-Come on! Step it up, soldier!

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Come on, Ben, hurry up! Ben!

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-Be careful!

-Hurry up!

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You can't ban us when it was your fault

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we had to sneak it in in the first place!

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Come on!

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Thanks for taking me out, Hannah.

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Girls don't pay me much attention at home.

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Can't think why that is(!)

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But don't you like me?

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Of course I do. We're going for a walk, aren't we?

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Look, I'll take you to the front and buy you an ice cream.

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Hey, is that about a missing bag?

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Ignore that.

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How's it coming?

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I think I've fixed it.

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Ant?!

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She's not an ant, Ben, she's a human. Have some respect.

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Do you think if we tell the truth, they'll forgive us?

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No! We never crack, not even under torture.

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Well, what are we going to do, then?

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We will just have to get another wreath.

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Where are we going to get another wreath?

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Just think. Where do they have loads of wreaths, just lying about?

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The graveyard! There's tonnes.

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-We could have one of those.

-Outstanding.

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That's stealing!

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No, Ben, it's not stealing.

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You can't steal off dead people.

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Sorry, you're right. It's not stealing...

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it's grave robbing!

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It's recycling. Just think, we're saving the planet.

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Yeah, Ben, do you hate the planet or something?

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No.

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Great. So now all we need to do

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is find another funeral with a dead aunt.

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That's it, Troy. You have a good cry.

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Let it all out.

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No, it's OK. You were right, this really is helping.

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You want to lean on my shoulder, sob on it, like before?

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I'm really sensitive!

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No. The sea air's really helping me get things in perspective.

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No, it isn't! Come on, Troy.

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Let...me...

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Come here, you!

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Hannah! What are you doing?!

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I thought I was helping you. I thought you had feelings.

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But it turns out you never cared about your auntie at all.

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How could you say that?

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A bit of a walk, couple of lungfuls of sea air

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and you've forgotten all about her.

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What kind of monster are you?

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I must be a terrible person!

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There, there, Troy.

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Can I put a poster on your window, please?

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What's it for?

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It's for Maude. She's gone missing.

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Aw, I lost a cat last year.

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She's not a cat.

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Hey, Brad. Can I have a 99?

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Sure. Is he all right?

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What, Troy? No.

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He's got a funeral this afternoon.

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But I'm supporting him through it.

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You?

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Yeah, it's all part of my...

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Well, I don't really like to talk about it.

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-Talk about what?

-Nothing.

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Come on, what do you mean?

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Just a bit of voluntary work, you know?

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Helping people with problems.

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I didn't know you did that sort of stuff.

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No, well, I like to keep it quiet.

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I don't want everyone saying how great I am all the time.

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It's embarrassing.

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Well, I suppose if more people knew,

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I wouldn't get called shallow and insensitive.

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Anyway, thanks for this.

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See you around.

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Hannah.

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Yeah?

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I'm going to see my nan later.

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-She likes a bit of company. Maybe you could...

-Come with you?

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Yeah, I'd love to. See you tonight, then.

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I can't see any decent ones.

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Are you sure there was a dead aunt at this funeral?

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The advert says, "Wife, mother and beloved aunt".

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Target acquired.

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Aw, it's even bigger than the other one! Wait here.

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(Ben!)

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(Charlie! Charlie!)

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Oi!

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I'm so sorry, I don't know where he could have got to.

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He's normally so reliable.

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Yeah, no, it's sort of weird.

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He's never forgot a wreath before, has he?

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-Never.

-Never.

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Yeah, sorry about the suit.

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I sort of destroyed most of mine when I left the bank.

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Maybe you could use this as a makeshift wreath until he turns up.

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Maybe?

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I'm sure he'll be back any minute now.

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Yeah.

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And now I'd like to ask for a moment's silence

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to reflect on the remarkable life of Claire Thompson.

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And now it's time for the eulogy,

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delivered by a young man very close to Claire's heart.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Erm...

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Erm...

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-BEN:

-Are you sure he's even in here?

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-ALISON:

-They are probably extracting intelligence from him right now.

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I don't think vicars are allowed to extract intelligence from children.

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It might not be a vicar, Ben.

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(It could be agnostics. They can do whatever they want.)

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Erm... So this is a funeral...

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..for...

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Claire.

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She was a lady...

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..with brown hair...

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..and a family, like you...

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..and you

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and you.

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OK, not you. Because I was there when she was on her deathbed.

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"Henry," she said, "tell them, all of them,

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"tell them I loved them all, even that one

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"that's not part of my family."

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She said, "I don't mind I'm going to die.

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"I'm really not that bothered," she said.

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"The most important thing is that when I'm gone,

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"you have my biggest wreath."

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Oi!

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Run! Run!

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Where?

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Get in here! Quick! Go!

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Shut the door! Come on!

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Where to, then?

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Brookville B&B, please.

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You got it. OK.

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Here are her ashes. Have you got anything planned for them?

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Are we leaving already?

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That's it. We're going to have to go, with or without the wreath.

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-BUZZ

-There he is now.

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She's lost for ever. Blown away on the wind...

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Just here on the right. Great.

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Let's get out of here.

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-Thanks, driver.

-Thanks.

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There, that was easy.

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Except, we've got a tail.

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Come on, let's go.

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I am sure they are on the way.

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There is a 20-mile speed limit on this road so sometimes...

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Look, here they are! I told you they wouldn't be long.

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Here's your wreath. Enjoy the funeral!

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I thought the funeral wasn't till one?

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So did I. I thought the funeral was at one?

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No, noon. You missed it.

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Troy?

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Go to the back door.

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It's locked!

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Where do you think you're going?

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For a breath of air.

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No chance. Get in there and hand these out.

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And we'll have words later about that wreath.

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You, too.

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What are we going to do?

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They're going to find out that they're at the wrong wake, then

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they'll know you took the wreath, then we'll all be arrested for...

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I don't know. What's this crime called?

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We've invented a new crime!

0:20:160:20:17

Are you OK?

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I don't know.

0:20:380:20:39

I keep trying to tell myself she had an amazing life, but...

0:20:390:20:42

Yeah, she really did. What with the sailing

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-and the water-skiing...

-Water-skiing?

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Yeah, she was British Champion.

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And that year she worked as a nurse in Africa.

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Took her life in her hands a few times, eh?

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She had some stories...

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Did she?

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That's why she wrote the novel, of course.

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I never knew her at all!

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HE SOBS

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MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:080:21:10

I told you to turn that off!

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What? Isn't anybody allowed to be happy around here any more?

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What is wrong with you?

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I'll never see Maude again.

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It's OK. Panic over.

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What about that?

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I'm Francesca from the Canadian side. How did you know Aunt...?

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Sorry! Friendly fire. Let's get you cleaned up.

0:21:390:21:43

Right, I've got to get rid of this.

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Stop her from talking to anyone else.

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Thank you all for coming.

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This means a lot, she would have been so pleased.

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We specialise in wakes here at Brookville,

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so if you ever need to organise a funeral, we...

0:22:060:22:09

Charlie, would you hand these out for me?

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-Right. But, I was just...

-Now.

0:22:110:22:13

Sorry, is that your son?

0:22:170:22:19

Oh, yes. Sorry, what's he done now?

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I just wanted to say, his words really moved me today.

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You must be very proud.

0:22:260:22:27

Oh. Well, yes, yes, we are. Thank you.

0:22:270:22:30

Hey, did you hear that?

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Charlie's been offering words of comfort to the guests.

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Isn't that nice? Are you all right?

0:22:370:22:39

I think I have got chive in my eye.

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Go and get changed.

0:22:410:22:42

Hi. I'm Francesca...

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No! You don't want to talk to him!

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You haven't even...

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# Oh, Danny boy

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# The pipes, the pipes are calling

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# From glen to glen and down the mountainside... #

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It's very sad. She was an old bag, but I loved her.

0:23:140:23:18

# All the leaves are falling

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# 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide

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# But come ye back. #

0:23:280:23:30

Erm...

0:23:320:23:33

Erm.

0:23:340:23:37

# Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor?

0:23:370:23:40

# A lovely day... #

0:23:400:23:42

This isn't going to last long.

0:23:420:23:43

We need another plan to stop them talking.

0:23:430:23:46

Something clever, so they get the blame for everything and not us.

0:23:460:23:49

How are we going to do that...?

0:23:510:23:53

-Everything OK?

-Yes, thanks.

-Great. Good do, isn't it?

0:23:550:23:59

Just hope none of those funeral crashers turn up today.

0:23:590:24:01

Funeral crashers...?

0:24:010:24:03

Yeah, I heard there's some in town. A Canadian couple, they say.

0:24:030:24:06

Apparently they just turn up to people's funerals and...

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Eat all the food, pretend the dead person was their auntie.

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-Sometimes they can work...

-Three funerals in a day,

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exploiting grieving relatives just to get free food from a buffet.

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It's disgusting. Some Canadian couple, apparently...

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# I've got all my love to give

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# I will survive!

0:24:220:24:24

# I will survive! #

0:24:240:24:26

Yes, very good, thank you.

0:24:260:24:28

# Ah... #

0:24:300:24:31

No! No more. That was great.

0:24:310:24:33

Excuse me. Would you mind telling me who you are, exactly?

0:24:340:24:38

Sure, I'm Francesca. From the Canadian side of...

0:24:380:24:41

Canadian, eh? And I suppose you're here to mourn your aunt?

0:24:410:24:44

-Yes...

-Who do you know here?

0:24:440:24:47

Well, no-one. I kind of thought one or two people might...

0:24:470:24:50

That's enough. Come on. Put these down.

0:24:500:24:52

What?! What are you doing? Why are you doing that?

0:24:520:24:55

-We know about your sort.

-Our sort?! How dare you!

0:24:550:24:57

-Get off of my vol-au-vents!

-What's going on...?

0:24:570:24:59

This man is trying to steal my food!

0:24:590:25:01

I'm stealing food? That's rich. They're the Canadians.

0:25:010:25:03

-Call the police!

-The police?

0:25:030:25:05

You people disgust me.

0:25:050:25:08

I've just buried my mother.

0:25:080:25:10

What garbage. She didn't have a son.

0:25:100:25:13

You're right, you're right.

0:25:130:25:14

-She had three.

-This is nonsense. Graham, tell them...

0:25:140:25:17

It's true, Mum, it's all true.

0:25:170:25:19

She had a secret life she never told us about.

0:25:190:25:22

A whole second family!

0:25:220:25:24

I think you should leave.

0:25:240:25:27

I most certainly will not. This is OUR wake, YOU should leave.

0:25:270:25:31

Please get this man to leave this house.

0:25:310:25:33

EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE

0:25:330:25:37

I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation...

0:25:370:25:39

Maude was lovely, but you're beautiful.

0:25:460:25:49

I'm going to call you Madge.

0:25:490:25:51

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

0:25:510:25:53

Oh, Madge, you're full of dirt.

0:25:550:25:56

Hannah, it's a disaster.

0:25:590:26:02

Get off, you'll ruin my top!

0:26:020:26:03

Just stop your blubbing.

0:26:030:26:05

Hannah? I thought you were helping him.

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I am, it's just... It's his fault!

0:26:090:26:12

He's really annoying, he won't stop crying! Brad!

0:26:120:26:15

I want to visit your nan with you, I don't care how boring she is! Brad!

0:26:150:26:19

Oh, Troy.

0:26:210:26:23

You're so shallow and insensitive!

0:26:230:26:25

I am not insensitive, I am misunderstood.

0:26:270:26:30

You've ruined our day. I hope you're happy!

0:26:330:26:36

What the...? No!

0:26:370:26:39

Hey, no! No!

0:26:390:26:43

Madge!

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That's right, off you go.

0:26:470:26:49

You'd pay for your own mother's wake if you loved her so much!

0:26:490:26:52

I can't leave her in the bin.

0:26:520:26:54

Well, that was strange.

0:26:540:26:56

Well...grief can do funny things to people.

0:26:560:26:58

That must be what it is. I mean, there's no other explanation.

0:26:580:27:01

We're proud of you, though, Charlie.

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We heard all the comfort you gave with your words.

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What can I say? I like to spread a little happiness in the world.

0:27:050:27:08

Who's this, then?

0:27:120:27:13

Francesca? We were expecting to see you at the funeral.

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You!

0:27:270:27:29

-Charlie...?

-It's OK. I can explain...

0:27:290:27:32

Charlie?!

0:27:390:27:40

How can this be right?

0:27:420:27:44

Weeding the crematorium flower beds for a week, and for what?

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For trying to get someone a nice big wreath for the funeral.

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What kind of lesson is that for a child?

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It's a travesty of justice!

0:27:520:27:53

Charlie causes chaos for two different sets of mourners when he attempts to replace a funeral wreath. Meanwhile, Hannah tries to prove that she has a kind and generous spirit.


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