Wrestler All At Sea

Last year, everyone in the front row got wrestler sweat on their snacks.

OK, now I'm officially happy we're not going.

Wrestle Hysteria's coming to town for one day

and you think we're not going?

Are you mad?

Yeah, Ben, stop being mad!

Three tickets cost 180 quid.

We have three quid.

Does anyone else see the problem?

I don't know how we're going to do it, but we will.

That's it! She'll tell us how!

Madame Rose, the fortune-teller? She's a total scam artist!

Is that solid intel?

Right. She works in a tent on the prom.

Don't you think if she could actually see the future,

she'd have chosen a different career path?

That actually makes sense.

She's not here to make money, she's here to share her gift.

Great adventures lie ahead of you. I see fun and happiness...

But wait!

Tomorrow, when the sun is high, disaster will befall you when...

Yeah, I'm really just here to find out

how to get tickets to Wrestle Hysteria.

You must heed my warning! Chaos shall come to pass unless you...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about Wrestle Hysteria?

Useless! Every time I asked about wrestling, she changed the subject.

I told you, it was a scam.

We could do a better job ourselves.

That's what we'll do. We'll make our own fortune-telling booth!

That's how we'll get our ticket money!

What? No, that's not what I said.

Genius idea, Ben.

"Friday, May 2nd. Dear Diary..."

Hey, Louie, I got you something.

Thanks, Dad!

I've already got a top.

Yes, no, but this one will fit you.

It's fine, you can take it back.

Ooh, poor thing.

Waiting in that shop, hoping to be bought.

Then, when it finally does happen, the little boy doesn't want you.

Clothes don't have feelings.

Yeah, I know, but it looks quite sad, doesn't it?

Probably knows, doesn't it,

that no-one will want to wear it when it's returned.

-No, wait! I'll wear it!

-Well, if you're sure.

Hello. Why don't you come and meet my other clothes?

Thanks, Dad!

You have just missed a parenting masterclass.

Manipulating the child 1-0-1.

Listen to this.

"Friday, June 5th. Mum still treats me like a child.

"She couldn't be more annoying if she tried.

"Saturday, June 6th. I take back what I said yesterday..."

Aww!

-"..Mum is even more annoying today."

-Oh.

And it goes on like that, day after day, week after week.

Is...is that Hannah's diary?

Well, it's some sort of journal of daily events.

-But I wouldn't call it a...

-Ah!

Yes. OK, it's her diary. I read her diary! But the point is -

she hates us.

Hates you, she didn't mention me.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I can teach you to be more lovable.

Welcome to your future!

Welcome to your future!

No. I've been expecting you.

HE SCREAMS

I'm sorry I haven't worn some of you for ages.

Or ever, especially you, orange shorts from Granny.

But from now on, I promise I'm going to wear all of you

exactly the same amount.

No more favourites.

Your name is...

Tammy.

It's Sue.

I see great adventure ahead!

Much happiness and fun in your future.

Like what?

Meeting your one true love.

So... What's he like, then?

Rich, posh...

..wears a blazer and a hat.

Has a fancy name - Gambit.

-Gambit?!

-Gambit.

I'm not giving you a penny for this!

You don't have a clue, do you?

Leave without paying? You'll have to go through me first.

Hoo-ah...

Oh, I know it sounds terrible,

but it's nice to have a break from the kids, isn't it?

Hey! I'm right here!

Oh, Hannah! Well, I'd hardly consider you a kid any more.

Hey, why don't you grab yourself a coffee and join us?

Oh. Right. It's just I said I'd meet...

You don't have to explain!

If you've got somewhere that you need to be,

it's hardly any of my business.

Right, OK. I'll see you later.

See you later, love.

You've been at her diary again, haven't you?

It's like I can read her mind!

Did you know that there's this boy that she fancies called Greg?

He's having a party on Sunday night and Hannah's not invited.

-And I'm not interested.

-And he's got a sister called Chloe.

Hannah can't stand her.

She's really rude and her hair smells like ham.

What? Like tinned ham or...

I don't want to know!

Man down!

What happened?

HE MOANS

Some bruiser called Sue, she went straight through me! Ripped us off.

To be fair, you were trying to rip HER off.

At least I made an effort.

What a mess.

Yeah, I know, I give up on this fortune-telling business.

Terrible idea, Ben!

Yeah, nice going, genius.

What?! It wasn't my... I didn't... This was...

See? You don't have to spy on the kids to get them to love you.

DOOR CLOSES

Observe.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hey, girls, take a pew. I've rustled up some lovely gingerbread folk!

Or perhaps you'd just like to chill out by yourselves, eh?

The guest lounge is free.

I thought we weren't allowed in there

because you didn't want it to smell like children.

No! No! I meant your brothers, not you.

No, you two go on through, I'll drop you in a couple of lattes, yeah.

Thanks, Mrs Enright.

Yeah, thanks, Mum.

It's all in the diary.

What are you looking at?

We'll hypnotise the security guards so they think we're chairs!

Then they'll actually carry us in.

Come on, now you're just embarrassing yourself.

Trouble at nine o'clock.

There.

Oh!

Sold out. That's game over.

Hey, look! It's that girl that wrecked our den!

And that's good news because...?

She's wearing a Wrestle Hysteria crew jacket!

Which means she works for them.

Which means...

..she will be able to get us free tickets.

Give free tickets to a total stranger?

Probability - zero.

She won't be giving tickets to total strangers,

she'll be giving tickets to her one...true...love.

Nice to meet you...

Gambit.

OK, this is your worst idea ever.

This is genius!

When Sue sees Gambit come to life, she'll give you whatever you want!

I won't do it!

I'll die if I'm not invited to Greg's party.

His sister Chloe's allowed to bring people.

Make friends with her and you're in.

No, not her. I hate her.

She's so rude and her hair smells like ham.

How can I make friends with her in a day?

Invite her to a sleepover.

Mum banned sleepovers.

Ever since we gave Justine Johnson that makeover

and her hair caught fire.

There you go, girls.

-Thanks, Mrs Enright.

-Thanks, Mum.

Maybe we could crash the party.

I never heard a thing!

I bet Greg does invite you, though.

I mean, you two - you're A-listers, aren't you?!

Thanks, Mum.

I don't remember your mum being so cool.

I know, it's weird. It's like she suddenly gets me.

Hold on, how did she know it's Greg's party?

No! No. She wouldn't dare...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# Hello

# Is it me...? #

Do I know you?

Pardon me, but I think you'll find the flat stones better for skimming.

I'm not skimming stones, I'm trying to hit seagulls.

Oh.

I don't believe you've had the pleasure.

The name's...

..Gambit.

# Why do stars fall down from the sky... #

MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS

This is too crazy!

A fortune-teller told me we were going to meet.

Why, I'm sorry but I don't believe in fortune-tellers.

Neither did I! Until now.

He told me your name, what you'd be wearing, and...

that you're my one true love.

HE SCOFFS

Well, what could you and I possibly have in common?

You like being mean to seagulls,

whereas I like classical poetry and...

..wrestling.

No way! My dad works for Wrestle Hysteria!

Great Scott! Surely you jest?

This is too weird. Want to get some chips?

Why, I'd be delighted.

I can't believe she read my diary!

So not cool.

Two can play at this game.

I know how we can get our sleepover.

My pen, please.

Hi, Dad. No, I'm with a friend.

You should come. Hey! They've got Shoot The Ducks!

She hates seagulls and ducks.

Ben?

So did you ask about the tickets?

Gambit is a very complex character. He hints, he suggests, he implies...

but he doesn't just ask.

He'll be asking for a dead leg if he doesn't get those tickets.

She's coming back. Just get on with it, Ben!

I killed all the ducks.

Looking good, Louie.

I think somebody's got himself a new favourite jumper.

Is that what my other jumpers said? I have to change!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Oh, no... What's the matter?

Is it bad?

No, it's wonderful.

"Mum has been so great recently.

"I feel I can really trust her again.

"If only I could win back her trust.

"But sadly, it went up in flames after my last sleepover.

"Much like Justine Johnson's hair.

"Maybe I could hold another sleepover

"to prove that I have changed. Oh, no, wait, I'm not allowed.

"Never mind, I'm just lucky to have a perfect parent."

"Perfect parent." That's lovely.

Did she...did she mention me at all?

-No.

-Oh.

Is it just me or is that huge man walking towards us?

He is! If there's any screaming to be done, leave it to me.

That's just my dad. Hey, Dad!

Hello, princess. And you must be Gambit. I'm Ivor.

Ivor 'The Piledriver' McGyvor.

Charmed.

There you go.

A Piledriver fiver.

Why don't you buy us all an ice cream?

I'm glad Sue's found herself a friend.

Travelling's a lonely game. And she likes you.

I can tell.

She's a lovely young lady.

But don't you ever upset my princess.

I would never hurt your daughter, sir.

HE CHUCKLES

It's you I'm worried about! See, deep down, Sue is very...

Sensitive?

Aggressive. I've seen her do terrible things.

My goodness, is that the time?

-I knew he'd chicken out.

-Plan B. Move in!

Sorry, got to dash. I'm late for...polo.

Gambit! We heard you were in town.

Friends of yours?

Sort of. Gambit likes to spend time with us less privileged kids.

What do you mean "less privileged"?

His family own a bunch of fancy hotels.

Like the Heslington - they've got the whole top floor! Right, Gambit?

Really?

And he's so generous.

He was going to get us tickets to Wrestle Hysteria, but...

it's sold out.

Consider it sorted.

Three access-all-areas passes on The Piledriver.

You're a good kid. I wish there were more like you when I was growing up.

Louie, why have you changed back into your shorts?

I've already worn these before?

I have to change.

Hey, Hannah, there's some street dance on tomorrow. We should go.

Street dance? I haven't been into that since, like, November.

She doesn't want to hang out with her parents.

Hey, why don't you invite some friends over tomorrow?

-They could stay the night.

-Really?

Thanks, Mum, you're the best! I'll call Jenny!

I thought sleepovers were banned.

-Looks like somebody's jealous.

-Jealous.

"Thanks, Mum, you're the best!"

-HANNAH:

-'I just got in here!'

That's OK, Hannah, you take your time!

TOILET FLUSHES

There we go...

Yogurt, nuts and berries.

My favourite! How did you know?

-I...well, I...I just...

-DOORBELL RINGS

I...is that the door? Somebody is at the door.

I have to ask.

Don't ask. We need you focused.

I'm going to ask. Louie, what are you doing?

I don't want my clothes to get jealous so I'm wearing all of them.

Right...

-I told you not to ask.

-OK.

PHONE RINGS

This is it.

Play it cool.

Gambit speaking.

Sue, hi.

I'm just in the Heslington Executive Suite getting my morning massage.

HE CHUCKLES

You've got the tickets? Great. Where are you?

In reception?!

Fantastic, I'll be right down.

THEY ALL SCREAM

Great entertainment for kids, old folks,

basically anybody who enjoys violence.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi! Are you waiting for Gambit?

-Yeah, for 20 minutes now.

Maybe we should go up to his suite.

-I wouldn't.

-I think it's a great idea. Come on, princess.

I've always appreciated the art of wrestling, Mr Piledriver.

Oh, yeah?

In fact, I've developed a new move.

What are you playing at?!

Hold that lift!

Are you finished?

That depends, do you submit?

Sorry for the delay.

Bit of trouble with the elevator on ten.

This is the fanciest hotel I've ever been in.

-Yeah. Now, about those tickets...

-How about a tour?

But of course! Follow me.

Kevin.

Helen.

-Good read?

-Yeah.

And to think I trusted you.

I need it!

You have no idea how complicated sleepovers are these days.

You've got to get the right pizzas, the right DVDs,

the right music, magazines...

-I've got to go shopping.

-Give!

I am so disappointed in you right now. So disappointed.

SHE GRUNTS

So this is up here and looking right you can see over there.

-What's he talking about?

-Dad!

This river is by Rembrandt. The world-famous artist.

Is it real?

No, it's a painting.

-No, no, I meant...

-Moving on!

-It doesn't matter.

Of course, we have our own staff in the Executive Suite.

Executive Suite?

Brunch party?

This way, please.

You booked us in for brunch? I've never had brunch.

Nice one, Gambit.

Oh, this can't be good.

Anybody home?

DOOR CLOSES

Hey! Didn't hear you come in.

Hey, Dad. We need to start getting this place ready.

-Would you mind?

-No! I've got to go to the shops anyway. There you go...

Egg on toast is ten quid!

No wonder you're a millionaire!

Probably best not to eat too much before the big fight.

I've heard the water's nice.

HE LAUGHS

I like you, Gambit.

Mesdemoiselles et Messieurs?

Let's just work our way through the starters and see how we get on.

Very good, sir.

Hannah... Thought you might like some treats.

What's going on?

Thanks, Mum, but Dad's already got us more than enough.

Why don't you put them in the kitchen

and maybe we can use them later?

These are perfect, Dad.

What can I say? I know my daughter.

DOORBELL RINGS That'll be Chloe!

CONTENTED SIGH

I'll crush the other lads after that feed.

There you go, ringside seats and dressing room passes.

Fantastic!

You'll meet all the fighters, hear all the wrestling stories...

Wow!

See you there.

Your bill, sir.

HE WHISTLES Right.

Dad's just stepped outside. Perhaps we should go get him.

-No need, sir.

-No need...

As a guest of the hotel, you may sign for it yourself.

Thank you.

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

Oh, no, I better pick that up.

Oh, yeah, perhaps I should help him.

May I help you, sir?

Executive Suite. We booked a table for brunch?

But... I just...

Good afternoon.

Get me a taxi.

And the police.

This is fun. So... I hear Greg's having a party?

Greg's an idiot. Never heard of it, never heard of it, never...

Oh, wow! Miami Nanny! I love this film!

I've seen it like ten times!

Great! Let's watch that then.

Are you deaf? I've seen it ten times.

Why would I want to watch it again?

We've got magazines too.

Music magazines. Seriously, does anybody even like...?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

Pizza's here!

I'm dying in there! Chloe hates all the DVDs.

And what's with all the music magazines?

I thought you wanted music magazines.

No, I said a "mix of magazines," can you not read?!

Hang on, you knew we were reading your diary?

We? You have been reading it?! I knew it!

And you made me feel like a bad parent.

You are the bad parent! You started...

Competition over, it's a draw.

You're both the worst parents in the world!

-I think you're worse than me.

-Oh, you are so childish.

You're childish.

My parents are feeling so guilty right now,

I could get away with anything.

So I'm more of a sidekick than a friend?

You think my hair smells like ham?

-It's your fault.

-I am not...

GIRLS SHOUTING

-Oh, no...

-What?

-I left the diary in that room.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

I think Hannah probably just needs a bit of space right now.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes. I told you we'd get these tickets.

And with an hour to spare. Outstanding.

Oh, no. No, no!

Cancelled? But why?

There must be some mistake.

We were guests of the hotel owner's son!

There he is! Gambit, tell them.

I can assure you, miss, this thief has no connection with our hotel.

Is this true?

Is it true that I tried to impress a girl?

Yes.

Is it true I pretended to be someone I wasn't just to make her like me?

Yes.

But ask yourselves - is that so wrong?

ALL: Yes!

-I'd like a word with you lot.

-Get in line!

Save the little fancy one for me.

Charlie.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Maybe we should let Hannah get that.

-Yeah, yeah.

-We're not really the worst parents in the world, are we?

-No!

Don't be silly.

What are you doing, Louie?

I found it hard trying to be fair to all my clothes.

So I've decided not to wear any.

DOORBELL RINGS

'OK, OK, I'll get it!'

What noise is that?

Louie - shut the door, shut the door...

You left my diary out for everyone to read?! How could you?

-My hair doesn't smell like ham!

-We need to talk about Charlie.

This is your fault for not getting me a ticket to Wrestle Hysteria!

SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER

Don't you touch me, I know my rights!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Come on.

How can this be right?

Loading suitcases for a week and for what?

For being interested in sports!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!