Beast All At Sea

This tent is defective. I'm sending it back.

You need to know how to construct a basic shelter, Charlie.

It's a matter of life and death.

Really? On a school camping trip?

Always expect the unexpected.

At a luxury campsite... With a spa.

Ow!

These instructions aren't even in English.

They are in every language.

You've probably just been on the wrong page.

When did you stop having chickens?

We haven't.

And do the chickens know that?

Oh!

Help!

Are you OK?

Ingrid, hi! Hardly noticed it.

Are you going to Fay's party on Friday?

Yeah, definitely. Apparently, her cousin's in a boy band.

I know. Not that I'm interested now I'm going out with Jamie.

Right. I'm going with my boyfriend too... SO not interested.

I didn't know you were seeing anyone.

Yeah. Ages now.

So, who is he?

A guy. You wouldn't know him.

OK, queen of the mysterious.

At least we're out of the lonely losers club now.

Right. Who wants to show up to a party tragic and boyfriend-less?

I let them out for a few chicken races before bed.

Then, I definitely closed the door afterwards. I'm positive.

I think.

That looks like the escape route.

No, no, no!

Charlie.

Can I have a go in your tent?

My action man is thinking of getting one.

Yeah. Erm... The tent's not up yet. Look.

Why've you got a feather on you?

Erm... I'm looking after it for a magic chicken.

Whoever who holds it gets three wishes.

Three actual wishes?

Yeah, now I wasn't going to share them, but, er...

There you go.

Use them wisely. Now, go on. Go.

Thanks, Charlie.

Your dad is going to kill you.

No. I will just put a big hole in the side here

and make it look like something got in and got the chickens,

like a fox or a big angry cat.

Do some scratches so it looks like the chickens put up a fight.

Brilliant!

Oh, my poor girls.

You should be proud, Dad. Looks like they put up a good fight.

It looks like it's been run over by a steam roller.

Kevin, a fox couldn't do that much damage.

What about if it was massive and crazed with hunger?

I'm going to throw up.

Charlie, this has got you written all over it.

No pocket money for three weeks.

What? I'm innocent! You believe me, right, Dad?

I can't remember what their clucks used to sound like.

And no camping trip.

Kevin.

Just...just looking.

I don't think the chickens are coming back, love.

What if...Charlie was right?

What if...

..something did eat them?

It didn't.

Something bigger than a fox.

Something more like a kind of...beast.

A beast?

Kevin, do you remember when you watched that vampire film

and you put garlic in all the bedrooms

until the guests complained about the smell?

They should have thanked me. It worked, didn't it?

How many vampires did we have checking in that month?

You need some sleep.

Mm...

Kevin!

Night, love.

How should I use my three wishes?

I could become ruler of the universe. Or get a hamster.

I hope I can sleep. It's not easy being powerful.

Night, Charlie.

There isn't a word for how much trouble I'll be in

if my mum finds out I'm not in bed.

Did you get something to make footprints?

The biggest ones I could find.

Ah! And what about some fur?

I found an old coat in our shed.

Giant footprints, fur lying around everywhere...

Mum will have to believe us.

Grr!

Go over to the bins and make it look like it's been eating out of it.

OK.

CANS BANG

Maybe no-one heard.

Maybe no-one will come out.

-WHISPERS:

-Maybe I should just stop talking.

BUSH RUSTLES

(What?)

(You sneak in while he's distracted. Go, go, go!)

See you tomorrow.

Aah!

It must have come back for seconds.

I've never seen anything like it. Huge, savage...

When it looked at me, I felt its eyes burning into my very soul.

Are you sure you didn't just see a cat and panic?

Look at the size of those footprints, Helen.

Does that look like a cat to you?

I wish I'd have been there. Might have been able to save the chickens.

Or been eaten yourself.

No, you stay away from that thing with the pitiless green eyes.

I really don't think there's a monster on the loose, Kevin.

But it does look like something got to the chickens,

so I'm sorry Charlie. I shouldn't have blamed you.

That's all right, Mum. I forgive you.

All right, let's go in.

-Oh, let's have a little run.

-Kevin!

Debbie. Hi, it's Hannah.

Listen, what's the sitch with your cousin, the model?

Is he seeing anyone? He is?

Hi, Hannah!

-Hi, Carol.

-Such a lovely morning, isn't it?

It's all right.

Me and my friends are volunteering at the animal shelter,

then we're going to feed the homeless,

and then we're entertaining the old folk at the church hall.

Wow. You certainly know how to party.

I think it's nice to help those less fortunate.

I could think of a million, no, two million things I'd rather do.

Hi, Carol, are you ready to go?

To ease the plight of those poor animals. Count me in.

Hi, I'm Hannah. Carol invited me along.

-Um, did I?

-Yeah.

Let's go help those... old, homeless animals.

Seriously? Are you doing that because of your beast?

Just making sure our defences will hold.

So just run this by me again, how you're not getting carried away.

Helen, it's taken ten chickens in one night.

I've seen it, you haven't.

Let's not scare the kids, eh?

Morning, Louie. I'll put your porridge on.

I don't want porridge. I wish I could just have toast.

Oh, no... What have I done?!

I just wasted a wish.

How could anyone dump those gorgeous dogs?

I just don't get people sometimes.

You should adopt one. That beagle really seemed to like you.

The one with the skin disease?

Yeah, so sweet the way it kept on jumping up on me, licking my face.

Anyway, here's a funny coincidence -

I'm going to this party on Friday and I really need someone to...

We're handing out food to the homeless next. Do you want to come?

Homeless people?

Try and stop me.

Great. You and Carol can buddy up.

What do you mean?

Every new volunteer gets a more experienced buddy

to show them the ropes.

Can't you be my buddy?

Don't worry, Carol will take care of you.

Oops.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Hi, Mr Leith. Lovely day, isn't it?

-Don't play the innocent with me.

-What?

My flowerpot broke itself, did it?

Oh...

Oh, no - it's the beast! It's been in your garden.

The what?

Some sort of fierce creature.

It was in our bins the other night.

It stole all our chickens.

Really?

Yeah... We've all seen it. Haven't we?

-Erm...

-My dad's even seen it.

He's actually seen an animal?

He was terrified, and he doesn't scare easily.

Right. Well, just keep your ball away from my car.

This beast thing could come in handy.

Outstanding!

-Two soups.

-Thanks.

Here you go.

When you see how dignified they are...

it almost makes me wish I was homeless.

That's so lovely.

I've got catering experience from the B&B.

I think I'd be more help in the kitchen. With Richard.

But then you'd miss the privilege of meeting them in person.

Let's go.

Ugh! I see some awful-looking ones over there.

I'll bring them some soup.

Good idea.

What? I missed breakfast.

Hi, Harold!

-HE GASPS

-Look at this.

In Texas, people's pets started disappearing and they discovered it

was a jaguar that had escaped from a millionaire's private collection.

I don't think many people in Scarborough collect jaguars.

-What if a lion escaped from York Zoo?

-Oh, and got the bus?

Sorry... Could we have our coffee in the garden?

No, no... I don't think that's a good idea.

-Of course you can. We'll bring it straight out.

-Thanks.

Don't go telling the guests about your beast. You'll scare them.

-What if it's still out there?

-It's not. It's in here.

What are you drawing, Louie?

A castle.

Oh, lovely.

It's for you and me to live in forever.

What sort of castle do you want?

Oh, I am not bothered, anything really.

No, Mum. This is important.

It has to be exactly right.

You choose. I can't really remember my history lessons.

I wish you'd just tell me what you want.

All right... Er...

I want towers and a drawbridge and a big comfy bed just for me.

Oh, no... I've done it again.

There you go. Sugar?

No! Get out of there!

What are you doing?!

Allergies. Can't be too careful.

Apparently, there was this goalie in Argentina.

The ball hit him straight in the face and his head came clean off.

No, it didn't. That can't happen.

It was on the news.

It landed right in the back of the net.

Oh.

Charlie! That's coming out of your pocket money.

That wasn't me! That was the beast! You just missed it.

Oh, come on!

It must have thought the car was its rival or something.

I mean, it rammed its head straight into it.

Didn't it, Ben?

Oh... It all happened so fast...

It was huge and terrifying. But we managed to scare it off.

So, really, you should be thanking us

for stopping your car getting even more damaged.

Oh, right, yeah. OK, I will.

When you answer me this one question.

How come the beast's head is exactly the same size

as your football?

No camping again. This is a disaster.

Yeah. We'll try to have fun without you.

Ben! No man left behind.

He's the one who's got himself grounded. Again.

Then we will get him un-grounded. Again.

Exactly!

It's too late now. What were you thinking?

Telling your mum that the car got attacked

by some sort of mythical beast. Who's going to believe that?

You're right.

Thank you.

I'll keep it simple.

Blame the chickens and everything else on something real. Like a...

Oh, a big dog. Woof!

Awesome idea, Ben.

Don't say that. It wasn't my idea!

-Hello.

-Hi, Mr Simmons. Can we take Bertha for a walk?

It's for charity. Tell him, Ben.

Oh! Erm, yeah. It's, erm...

Save The Crab! There just aren't enough rock pools in Scarborough,

so we are raising money to build artificial ones.

So, can we?

Of course. Bertha!

Here we go... Hold on, lass.

There we are. There you go.

-Thanks.

-Ooh, ooh.

Likes to play with this too.

Thanks Mr S. We'll take great care of her.

Wait.

Come on, come on, here we go...

Don't forget the others!

Thanks a bunch. Come on.

Bye-bye. Off you go.

Bye.

Final wish, draft 67.

This is a practise run so I'll be using the word "lobster"

instead of the word "wish".

I lobster a big castle, just for me and Mum.

With servants, so she doesn't have to do any work.

And a moat so Dad can't get in.

What if Dad learns how to swim?

I'll need sharks in my moat!

What did you get from the butchers?

-Rabbit.

-Perfect.

What...?

Yeah, don't ask.

What are you doing, Ben?

They are doing this on purpose.

OK, so Bertha runs around the garden, looking all big

and dangerous.

Alison throws in the rabbit.

I get Mum and Dad to look outside.

They see Bertha attacking a victim. Bertha is the beast.

Camping's back on.

Finally, the perfect plan.

Exactly. So I will just go and...

Oh.

I wasn't expecting that.

-ALL:

-# If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning

# I'd hammer in the evening All over this land. #

Thank you! You've been a great audience!

-What?!

-I just wanted to say I've seen a new side of you today,

-and I really like it.

-Cool, whatever...

So I've volunteered you and me to go to the library

and read to the toddler group. What do you say, buddy?

Great!

Then we can clean all the public toilets with our make up brushes.

And then weave tiny, little mats for unemployed guinea pigs.

I don't think guinea pigs actually...

Where's my charity? I see clothes every day I can't afford.

Where's my fundraiser? Where's my band of creepy little do-gooders?

Where's nice Hannah gone?

She's dead, Carol. I can't do this anymore.

Hannah?

It's...hard, isn't it?

Those wonderful old people singing. Not in tune, but beautiful anyway.

I was like you...

Got a bit weepy the first time I heard it.

Yeah, it's so moving and emotional.

I think I just need to go home and really think about things, you know?

I do. I do know.

Maybe you could walk me?

I'd love that.

RUSTLING

Hello?

GROWLING

I wonder how many B&B health and safety rules

we're breaking right now.

-Probably all of them.

-PHONE BEEPS

It's Mr Simmons. He wants all his dogs back.

We can't take all these back without Bertha.

We'll find her. Employ a circular search pattern and zero in.

Don't be ridiculous! We can't search the whole of Scarborough.

We'll use bait, then Bertha will come to us.

Do you have any sausages left?

-OVER TV:

-'It was huge. A huge wild animal. It's eyes locked on me.

'But I stood my ground and it ran off.

'But it was frightening, even for me.

'The only way I could only describe it is a...a beast.'

BOTH: I told you!

I told you it wasn't me that let the chickens out,

put a dent in your car, or trample on your nice flowers.

When did the flowers get trampled on?

Oh, this afternoon,

but I didn't want to say anything in case you blamed me. Again.

I'm sorry. I've been really mean to you, haven't I?

Does this mean I'm ungrounded and I can go camping?

No! You're ungrounded but you're not going camping.

It's too dangerous with that beast out there.

You can't not let me out for my own safety!

That's just mean.

Ben and Alison can't leave either.

Until this thing is found, we all stay inside, OK?

OK.

OK, so we sneak out, find Bertha, bring her back here.

Then, take all the dogs back to Mr Simmons'.

Roger that.

I just hope Ben can keep those little dogs quiet.

# It's a life alone, bark-bark!

# And it desperate need, woof-woof!

# To be held, to be loved

# So this is going to take a bit of getting used to

# But I know what's right for you

# Fly high and let me go... #

So here we are.

Yeah. I'll see you again, hopefully.

Yeah... Actually I've just remembered.

There's this party on Friday at my friend's.

You wouldn't want to come with me, would you?

Well, I say party, it's actually a fundraiser for underprivileged...

African pandas.

I didn't know there were any pandas in Africa.

Exactly. We so need to get the word out there.

Well, great. I'd love to.

Pick me up at seven?

Get in, both of you!

No, he's leaving.

No, you've got to get inside. It's not safe! Quicker! Quicker!

Leave the guitar, you crazy fool.

The streets of Scarborough are no longer safe.

A vicious beast is on the loose.

I've seen it myself, and I do not wish to see it again.

So, until that thing is caught, we're in lockdown, people.

Would anybody like a tea or coffee?

It's OK, everyone.

I'm a trained disaster zone volunteer.

I know a few tricks to get us through this.

Hannah?

Fine.

# Have you seen the old man?

# In the closed down market

# Kicking up the papers with his shoes?

Everyone!

-ALL:

-# Have you seen the old man?

# In the closed down market

# Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? #

Bertha! Bertha!

Come and get a biscuit!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Charlie, they are out of control, and that one just weed!

What if they all start weeing? Or worse...

Take them to the bathroom, put them in the bath

and it'll just run down the plughole.

That's disgusting!

I'll do it.

Ben, he's losing it.

I've tried to mould him, but he's just not front-line material.

THEY SCREAM

Yes!

I think we've got some more upstairs. I'll check.

Wee-wees.

Hannah.

I was just going to find my violin.

We should hand out blankets. I've always wanted to do that.

We have central heating. And it's August.

I suppose.

OK, let's go and make more tea for everyone.

Right behind you.

I really like that Richard.

He's brought out a whole new side to you.

Everything all right, Alison?

Just securing the perimeter. All good.

Ben?

Where is he?

No! Bad dog! That's Hannah's room. No-one's allowed in...

DOOR OPENS

Some things have happened.

Some, er...bad things.

GLASS BREAKS

The beast!

It's inside!

Anyone feel like popping upstairs and checking that out?

No? Just me, then, yeah?

Thanks for the back up, guys, yeah.

I wish that the beast doesn't hurt Mum.

Did you hear that? There's something upstairs.

The kids are up there!

I'm on it.

I've got his back, Mrs Enright.

DOORBELL BUZZES

Mr Simmons, it's really not a good time.

-I'd like my dogs back, please.

-Pardon?

Your boy has my dogs.

-Has he really?

-Yeah.

It's in my room!

Step back, Hannah. I'm trained for this.

Be careful, Richard. I need you looking good for the party.

Whatever happens next, just remember I love you.

Hannah - not you. That would be weird.

SHE SCREAMS

Hi, Dad, erm...

It wasn't a beast. It turns out it was a pack of wild dogs!

And look, we caught them!

Charlie!

My room! Everything's ruined!

Hannah, they're just possessions.

I'm sorry, has your designer dress just been

shredded by a disgusting drool machine?

Is that your expensive make-up being eaten?

Has a seven foot dog just vomited on your duvet cover?!

I'm disappointed, Hannah. Really disappointed.

Oh, no! Does that mean I won't get to sing to any more old people?

Bye, Hannah.

Wait. You're still taking me to the party, right?! Richard?

Charlie!

Bertha, Pepper, Misty, Chester, Snowflake! Come on!

Come on, lovelies, come on.

Here we go.

He'll be severely punished. And we'll pay for any vet bills.

-Right.

-So sorry.

Come on. Come on.

I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Mum, I saved you.

I turned the beast into dogs, so you wouldn't be eaten.

Not now, Louie. Charlie!

Charlie!

How can this be right? Fixing the chicken coop, and for what?

For trying to give some poor birds a bit of exercise?

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Ow!