Horror All At Sea


Horror

Charlie and his family run a bed and breakfast by the sea. When Charlie makes a film for the local horror festival, no-one is able to avoid being involved.


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Transcript


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This film contains scenes of graphic images

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and is not suitable for children.

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Ben, you made it. How scary can it be?

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Don't say I didn't warn you.

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SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

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SHOUTING, HE GASPS

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HAMSTER SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING GETS LOUDER

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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HE GASPS, THUNDER RUMBLES

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CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES

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HE SOBS

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THEY LAUGH

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Terror level, zero. I've seen brownies scarier than that!

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-We'll see what the judges think, then!

-What judges?

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Scarborough Bloodfest. Best new horror film wins 200 quid.

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Brilliant! Let's make one!

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Hang on... You can't just... This took weeks!

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Ben, you're not going to win with a film about an escaped hamster.

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-Come on!

-But you haven't seen the scene with the goldfish yet!

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-Here you are. Enjoy your stay, Mr Robson.

-Thanks very much.

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Couldn't help noticing the bird figurines you have on display.

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-Local artist is it?

-No, no. I made those.

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Ah... Then YOU are a local artist.

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I wouldn't say artist, Mr Robson. More a passionate amateur.

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They're wonderful. And please, call me Dave.

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-Lovely. Lovely, lovely man.

-How many times? The answer is no.

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It's not fair!

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New guest just checked in. Seems quite a personable chap, actually.

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Kevin, will you tell her we're not going to pay for her

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to go on holiday to London.

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It's not a holiday, it's a dance festival.

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My whole crew are going.

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-Crew? What, are you sailing down there?

-My street dance crew.

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Tell her we can't afford it.

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Fine! I'll get the money myself! By street dancing!

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Where?!

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You really haven't got a clue, have you?

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We haven't got a hamster! BUT, we do have a plastic skeleton.

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-Oh, that's all right, then(!)

-And a story.

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I'm a vampire who gets out of his coffin, bites the skeleton

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and gets covered in blood.

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OK, one, vampires don't bite skeletons.

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And two, skeletons don't bleed. Three...

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My intel was correct - there's a door under the church!

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-We can infiltrate the crypt!

-Excellent!

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Don't you think we should ask permission?

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They won't mind, Ben. They're dead!

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Course they'll mind!

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Who dares disturb the Prince of Darkness?!

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Urgh, uurrrrrrgh! Urrrrrgh!

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This is ludicrous.

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Who's that? Is there someone down in the crypt?

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-The vicar!

-Abandon crypt!

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I shall phone the police! You won't get away with this!

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SHE TURNS A DANCE CD ON

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Scarborough! ARE YOU READY?!

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Dave! Ah, there you are.

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Thought you might like to have a look at some more figurines.

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Kevin, I really don't think the guests want to see

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-your little models.

-Helen Price!

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-David Robson! Fancy seeing you again!

-You too!

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You've not changed a bit.

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THEY LAUGH

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-So where do you two know each other?

-David was my first boyfriend.

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-Was he?! Like...at primary school?

-No, like proper serious boyfriend.

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I had no idea you were still in Scarborough.

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Well... Not still in Scarborough. Back in Scarborough.

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Big difference. What about you?

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Me... I'm a doctor now. I'm here for a medical conference.

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-Wow. You did well for yourself.

-Yeah. You too...

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-We should have a proper catch up.

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-Yeah!

-Maybe! Maybe... But she's got a stack

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-of ironing to get through so...

-Well, I've got five minutes...

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So we're all agreed, the movie is cancelled.

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What?! Where did you get that from?

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Well... We got chased away from set by an angry vicar,

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we left all our props and...

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You can't act.

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Roger that. You were worse than the skeleton.

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Right. OK. So we'll get another actor. Can't be that difficult!

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Look! A perfect vampire!

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But what if he says no to being in the film?

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He won't be able to. Because I'm not going to ask him.

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Oh, this new geography app is so educational...

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Oh, I'm sorry, didn't mean to press that button.

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A vampire being blinded by the light.

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And you're going to make a whole film like that?

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Why not? It's how they made all the Harry Potter films.

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No, it isn't.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Thanks. I appreciate it.

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THEY LAUGH You better run! Hat thief!

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Excusez moi. Afraid you're somewhat encroaching on our turf.

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-You what?

-We're dancing here. Scarborough Morris,

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-of which I am squire.

-Who says YOU own the street?

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Permit from the council.

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I do sympathise.

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After all, Scarborough Morris are street dancers too.

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Hey nonny no!

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But I am an ACTUAL street dancer?

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I'm ACTUALLY going to London for a festival?

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Ah! A fellow traveller indeed!

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This gang of reprobates will be at the self-same knees-up.

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I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

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We're going to the festival too.

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And are always looking for new members to don the bells...

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-BELLS JINGLE

-What do you say, kiddo?!

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So, the vampire rises from the dead,

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goes around town sucking people's blood. Arrgh!

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Then the sun rises, kills him, the end.

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Right.

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And how are you going to film that man sucking people's blood?

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-We'll sort out the fine details later.

-Who's the little guy?

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You're not a real vampire unless you've got an assistant.

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But that's ANOTHER actor! How are we going to do that?

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Louie!

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Yes, Charlie?

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You know that new guest downstairs?

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-Yes.

-He's got your job.

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The one you're going to do when you grow up.

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-What job?

-That's a secret.

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But the way to find out is to follow him everywhere

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and copy EVERY single thing he does.

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-OK. Thanks, Charlie.

-Oh, and dress smartly.

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We're using an innocent child as an undercover operative?

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-Yeah.

-Beautiful.

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See that's the difference between you and me, Ben.

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YOU look for problems, while I look for solutions.

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Right... Yeah... Good one.

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My Hannah! A Morris dancer. Who'd have thought it?

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I'm not ACTUALLY Morris dancing. I mean I am.

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But none of my friends'll see me,

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and as soon as it's over I can go and hook up with my REAL crew.

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It's true, I really am out of touch with the kids.

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Why can't you just be happy for me, for once?!

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I AM happy!

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-Full of the joys of spring?

-Wait till I tell you why...

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Let me guess. Something to do with the "coincidental"

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-reappearance of dishy Dr Dave.

-Oi. It was 20 years ago!

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-And if you must know, I dumped him.

-YOU dumped him?

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Yes, actually.

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He was really geeky, didn't look like it was going anywhere.

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Well, look at him now, eh? A doctor. Rich, successful.

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-Devastatingly handsome.

-Perhaps YOU should ask him out.

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Mum, can Alison and Ben sleepover?

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Yeah... As long as their parents say it's OK.

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I just think it's a little bit weird.

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Of all the B&Bs in all the world he had to check into ours.

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-You're right, he's come back for me so we can run away together.

-What?

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OK... So the first shot of the film, the vampire rises from the dead.

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How do we know what time he's going to wake up?

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I'm pretty sure it'll happen when I set off this klaxon.

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-KLAXON BLARES, HE GASPS

-What? Who?

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What are you doing?! What's going on?!

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You booked an alarm call, sir? 3am? No?

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-What was that noise? Ben?

-They woke me!

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I suffer from

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nocturnal ambulatory syndrome...

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AKA sleepwalking.

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Charlie!

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CRASHING

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Waking Dr Robson, shining lights in his face...

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-He was very cross.

-Erm...

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-But I know why you did it.

-You do?

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You saw me and your mum arguing, and you were worried.

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So you decided to get rid of Dr Robson.

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Yeah...yeah, that's what it is.

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Oh, Charlie. Come here.

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There we go. Nothing to be worried about.

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Why are we filming this?

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Scene seven, blood gushes in the vampire's face.

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Blood? What blood?

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I've booby trapped the ketchup. Observe...

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YOU did this, didn't you?! I'm going to speak to your mother...

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No, don't!

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It's my dad. He makes me play these tricks.

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He's jealous of you because you used to be mum's boyfriend

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and now you're a really successful doctor.

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Well, he has been rather unfriendly since he found out.

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Yeah. Dad does weird stuff when he's jealous.

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One guy, Dad emptied his suitcase and filled it with dead jellyfish.

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Really?

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Yeah... Please don't tell Mum. I promise,

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no more tricks.

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I'll just go on my new geography app.

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We're studying Swedish coconut farms.

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Hoho! Ahem...

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MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS

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Ah... It's our novice! Just in time for the first set!

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I trust you've been reading the handbook?

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What?!

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I just came to get my train ticket.

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All in good time. First, take up your sticks.

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-No, I've got to bounce.

-Eventually.

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But we'll start with the basics - double step

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and Adderbury hand movements, then into the half hey.

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BELLS JINGLE AS THEY WALK

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MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS

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Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What do you call that?!

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I thought I'd just freestyle.

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If you're to be festival-fit, Hannah,

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we require commitment and dedication.

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From the top!

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Why do I have to do this?

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Because Mum never, ever listens to a single word I say.

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I'm no psychoanalyst,

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but do you think that might be connected to your constant lying?

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In!

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What's that thing on your neck, Mrs Enright?

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-What thing?

-That purple mark. Like a rash.

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-Where?

-Just, just there.

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It COULD be viral.

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If it spreads, you might lose MAJOR comms systems - like your ears.

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Oh, yes. That looks nasty.

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Yeah, you better get a doctor to look at that.

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-Like that Dr Robson.

-Dr Robson? Oh, David.

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Yes, I will. I'll ask him.

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Oh, David, I am sorry to trouble you.

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Could you have a look at my neck?

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-Your neck?

-With you being a doctor.

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A doctor. Yes, sure. Of course. Yeah. Take a seat, sit down.

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I'll have a look on the web and see

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if there is anything about scary purple neck marks.

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-It's just there, at the back...

-Why don't you have a closer look?

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-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

-I've got a big mark on my neck.

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-I was just examining her.

-I suggest, doctor, the only

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-thing that needs examining around here are your motives.

-You what?!

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-I think I'll just go to my room.

-Little bit creepy.

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Him or you?!

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Don't you see it, do you? He's a lady killer.

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Mark my words. He's come back to get you.

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Charlie, what are you doing?!

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Erm... Internet stuff you'd never understand.

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Dad... Could you say that lady killer bit again, but more sinister?

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Remember, Hannah,

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a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

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Or in your case, a double-step. For now, farewell.

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Hi, Hannah!

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Ingrid! Didn't see you there.

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What's with the outfit?!

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This? Oh, I've just come from a... martial arts class.

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Oh, wow. So why are you wearing bells?

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It's because of the level I'm at.

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After the black belt, you move up. To bell belt.

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Oh, so are these like your weapons?

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That's right. I could actually kill a man with these.

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Gosh, Hannah. There's so much we don't know about you.

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And let's hope it stays that way.

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See? You said it couldn't be done but we've filmed all the scenes.

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Except one. The vampire and his assistant walk through the graveyard

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crying out for blood. And that's impossible.

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The word impossible is not in our dictionary.

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Yes, it is. It after impetuous and before impractical.

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Oh. It's just you.

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-Dad's looking for you.

-What? Why?

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Something about you trying to break up his marriage...

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I was examining your mum's neck!

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Don't try to explain it. It makes Dad angrier.

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What? He's done this before?

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That's it - I'm moving to another B&B.

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No, don't! The other bloke did and Dad said him

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-running away was proof that he was guilty.

-And what happened?

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I don't know. But the bloke lives in Greenland now.

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Says he feels safe there.

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This is a nightmare. I'm trapped in a nightmare.

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I tell you what... I'll talk to Dad, you lie low for a bit.

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Maybe the graveyard, yeah?

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Dad never goes there - says he hears the bodies talking to him

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or something.

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OK. Yeah, the graveyard. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

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Ooh, no. I wouldn't wear that. Too recognisable. Try this...

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It's a cape!

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MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS, BELLS JANGLE

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-Ah! You are really getting into this, aren't you!

-No, I'm not!

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It's just a way of getting to London, that's all!

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Hey... I could help you make up one of those funny colourful hats.

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That's Border Morris.

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We're Cotswold Morris which is, like,

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a totally different tradition.

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-But like you say, you're not really into it, are you?

-I need that.

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-I have to film my moves for playback and analysis.

-Ooh!

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OK, Hannah, concentrate! You can do this.

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-Final shot. This movie making is dead easy.

-Wait a minute.

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I thought he was meant to be crying out for blood.

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That's where you come in.

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Excuse me, sir. I've lost my dog. Could you help me find him?

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-I know you, don't I? From the B&B?

-Hi, Ben.

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Oh, yeah... My name is

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Ben...jamin Chuzzletop.

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Well, Benjamin Chuzzletop. Shall we help you find this dog?

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Yes. His name's Blood.

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Blood?

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Yeah... He's a bloodhound. So it IS a normal name.

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-Not ridiculous at all.

-All right. Yeah.

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Blood!

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You might have to shout louder. He's a bit deaf.

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-Blood! Bloo-ood!

-Blood! Blood!

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Blood!

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-Oi! You there!

-Hello, vicar.

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-What's your game?

-Sorry?

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The bones and candles you left down in my crypt...?

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What? No, you've got the wrong person.

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I was just helping Benjamin Chuzzletop find his dog.

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That's interesting, since Benjamin Chuzzletop died in 1836.

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Eh?!

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POLICE RADIO CHATTER

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Perhaps we should continue this chat

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-at the police station, sir?

-The dog...

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-You lot, you've ruined Whitby!

-That's a wrap!

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MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS, BELLS JINGLE

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You've got three yeses.

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You're coming to London!

0:19:530:19:55

Oh, thank you...

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There. Attack Of The Beast is complete.

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No exaggeration, I think we've just made the greatest movie of all time.

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-I'll get it to the cinema.

-I'll send the e-mail entry form.

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And I'll start planning the sequel.

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Trust me, Ben, the audience will be begging for it.

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Ah... Look who it is. Old Desecrating Dave.

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Thanks for vouching for me with the police.

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What you do in your spare time is your own business.

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Although Hels was pretty shocked.

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Look. Kevin. We need to talk.

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The thing is, I haven't been entirely honest with you. Or Helen.

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-Oh, yes?

-When I knew Helen...before,

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she thought I was a bit of a geek.

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So when I saw her again yesterday I said the first stupid thing

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that came into my head, that I was a successful doctor.

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And you're not a doctor?

0:20:500:20:52

Oh, yes! In your stupid face, Helen!

0:20:540:20:57

I'm actually here for a film festival. Scarborough Bloodfest?

0:20:570:21:00

No. Never heard of it. Carry on.

0:21:000:21:03

Amateur horror. You don't get much geekier than that.

0:21:030:21:06

Hahaha! No. No. You certainly do not.

0:21:060:21:09

You're welcome to come along. I'm judging the contest...

0:21:090:21:11

Wait... You're the judge?! You mean you're going to watch the films?

0:21:110:21:15

I can hardly judge them without watching, can I?!

0:21:150:21:18

-PHONE BEEPS

-Oh! E-mail!

0:21:180:21:20

Ah! A late entry! Attack Of The Beast from Charlie Enright.

0:21:200:21:25

-That's you, isn't it?

-You've entered the film festival?

0:21:250:21:28

Well, I look forward to seeing what you've come up with!

0:21:280:21:31

Yes. So do I! This is exciting isn't it?

0:21:310:21:34

You can... Oh, he's gone!

0:21:340:21:35

HE'S the judge?!

0:21:370:21:39

The man we terrorised, got arrested, and secretly filmed for two days...

0:21:390:21:42

-is the judge?

-Nothing's ever easy, is it?

0:21:420:21:45

Charlie! We need to get that film back! Now.

0:21:450:21:48

But he already knows we've entered.

0:21:480:21:50

We've got to show something - we'll use YOUR film!

0:21:500:21:54

A Squeak In The Dark? But you said it was rubbish!

0:21:540:21:57

What do I know? Mr Robson's an expert.

0:21:570:21:59

He'll probably think it's dead good.

0:21:590:22:01

There were certain subtleties you overlooked...

0:22:010:22:04

Right. Let's bang it on a flash drive, get it down to the cinema.

0:22:040:22:07

I wonder if the critics will understand

0:22:090:22:11

-the symbolism of the goldfish...

-Ben! We're in a hurry!

0:22:110:22:14

OK, so we need to find the projection room and swap this.

0:22:300:22:33

-Got to be through there. I'll create a diversion.

-Yeah.

0:22:330:22:36

Just for once, it'd be nice to go through a door that DIDN'T have

0:22:370:22:40

a do not enter sing on it.

0:22:400:22:43

-Look out! It's a King Cobra!

-THEY GASP

0:22:430:22:47

False alarm! Just a fire hose.

0:22:470:22:50

The projection room. This is sacred ground.

0:22:520:22:55

Whatever. Just swap the sticks over.

0:22:550:22:57

Got it.

0:23:010:23:03

I am staff. Thought I heard a commotion up here.

0:23:090:23:12

-But no, everything seems to be tickety-boo.

-Back to work!

0:23:120:23:15

"Scarborough Bloodfest". Not really my sort of thing.

0:23:270:23:30

No, me neither. You know whose sort of thing it is?

0:23:300:23:33

Dave. Your lying, grave-robbing ex-boyfriend.

0:23:330:23:35

Is that why you brought me here? To tell me what a geek he is?

0:23:350:23:38

Look around.

0:23:380:23:40

If you'd stayed with him, this is where you'd be - Geek City.

0:23:400:23:43

-Hi, Dad.

-Just saying how proud we are of you, son.

0:23:430:23:47

Charlie, I can't understand the job. I've given up.

0:23:470:23:51

OK, buddy.

0:23:510:23:52

Does that mean I'll never work and I'll always be poor like Dad?!

0:23:520:23:56

-Eh?

-Where does he get all this stuff?! Hahaha!

0:23:560:24:01

I'll make my own way down to London.

0:24:030:24:05

Hook up with you guys at the festival.

0:24:050:24:07

-Make your own way? Are you sure?

-She'll be fine.

0:24:070:24:10

She can kill a man with two sticks, you know?

0:24:100:24:12

LOUD MOANING

0:24:190:24:21

SHE SIGHS

0:24:210:24:23

SHE GASPS

0:24:230:24:25

THEY SCREAM

0:24:250:24:28

These films are rubbish.

0:24:350:24:36

I know! I'll have nightmares from how boring they were.

0:24:360:24:40

Two chocolate tubs, please.

0:24:400:24:42

SHE LAUGHS

0:24:420:24:44

Working behind enemy lines! Nice!

0:24:440:24:47

It's actually quite stressful.

0:24:470:24:49

I don't think I'll hit my sales target.

0:24:490:24:52

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for our next film.

0:24:520:24:55

It's your hamster film!

0:24:550:24:57

This one's from local film-maker Charlie Enright.

0:24:570:25:01

THEY CHEER

0:25:010:25:03

Come on, Hannah, you can do this.

0:25:080:25:10

-MORRIS MUSIC STARTS

-Hannah?!

0:25:120:25:16

Charlie! He copied the wrong film!

0:25:220:25:24

Sorry, bit of a technical problem...

0:25:240:25:28

This is just me messing around. I'm not seriously doing a double

0:25:280:25:31

spring caper with Bampton hand movements.

0:25:310:25:34

I HATE Morris dancing.

0:25:340:25:36

Obviously. It's for weirdos, losers and total sad sacks.

0:25:360:25:40

-Young lady!

-Oh, great!

0:25:420:25:45

You're hereby banished, vanquished,

0:25:450:25:48

and ostracised from the Scarborough Morris!

0:25:480:25:52

Come on, Morris men!

0:25:540:25:56

I can still come to London, right?! Right?! Call me!

0:25:590:26:03

Um. Well, apologies for the mix-up there. But it's not a problem.

0:26:030:26:05

-We'll just play the backup copy.

-Backup copy?

0:26:050:26:08

When the entries came in,

0:26:080:26:10

we make backup copies in case of problems like this.

0:26:100:26:13

When they came in? That means the film must be...

0:26:130:26:15

Oh, no!

0:26:200:26:21

LOW MOANING AND GROANING

0:26:230:26:26

HE GASPS

0:26:260:26:27

Blood! Blood!

0:26:310:26:33

-Blood!

-Blood! Bloooood!

0:26:330:26:38

HE is a lady killer.

0:26:420:26:44

Mark my words, he's come back to get you.

0:26:460:26:48

SCREAMING

0:26:520:26:56

HOWLING

0:26:560:26:59

SILENCE

0:27:050:27:10

I know my job now! I'm a vampire!

0:27:140:27:17

See? That was definitely the scariest film.

0:27:180:27:21

Can I have the money now?

0:27:210:27:23

Argh! That kid just bit me!

0:27:260:27:29

Charlie!

0:27:290:27:31

How can this be right? Cleaning moss off the old gravestones.

0:27:360:27:40

And for what? For using my imagination to make a film.

0:27:400:27:44

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

0:27:440:27:47

It's a travesty of justice!

0:27:470:27:49

Charlie is making a film for the local horror festival and no-one seems to be able to avoid being involved - except Hannah, who has joined an unusual dance troupe.