Horror All At Sea

This film contains scenes of graphic images

and is not suitable for children.

Ben, you made it. How scary can it be?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

SHOUTING, HE GASPS

HAMSTER SQUEAKING

SQUEAKING GETS LOUDER

THUNDER RUMBLES

HE GASPS, THUNDER RUMBLES

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES

HE SOBS

THEY LAUGH

Terror level, zero. I've seen brownies scarier than that!

-We'll see what the judges think, then!

-What judges?

Scarborough Bloodfest. Best new horror film wins 200 quid.

Brilliant! Let's make one!

Hang on... You can't just... This took weeks!

Ben, you're not going to win with a film about an escaped hamster.

-Come on!

-But you haven't seen the scene with the goldfish yet!

-Here you are. Enjoy your stay, Mr Robson.

-Thanks very much.

Couldn't help noticing the bird figurines you have on display.

-Local artist is it?

-No, no. I made those.

Ah... Then YOU are a local artist.

I wouldn't say artist, Mr Robson. More a passionate amateur.

They're wonderful. And please, call me Dave.

-Lovely. Lovely, lovely man.

-How many times? The answer is no.

It's not fair!

New guest just checked in. Seems quite a personable chap, actually.

Kevin, will you tell her we're not going to pay for her

to go on holiday to London.

It's not a holiday, it's a dance festival.

My whole crew are going.

-Crew? What, are you sailing down there?

-My street dance crew.

Tell her we can't afford it.

Fine! I'll get the money myself! By street dancing!

Where?!

You really haven't got a clue, have you?

We haven't got a hamster! BUT, we do have a plastic skeleton.

-Oh, that's all right, then(!)

-And a story.

I'm a vampire who gets out of his coffin, bites the skeleton

and gets covered in blood.

OK, one, vampires don't bite skeletons.

And two, skeletons don't bleed. Three...

My intel was correct - there's a door under the church!

-We can infiltrate the crypt!

-Excellent!

Don't you think we should ask permission?

They won't mind, Ben. They're dead!

Course they'll mind!

Who dares disturb the Prince of Darkness?!

Urgh, uurrrrrrgh! Urrrrrgh!

This is ludicrous.

Who's that? Is there someone down in the crypt?

-The vicar!

-Abandon crypt!

I shall phone the police! You won't get away with this!

SHE TURNS A DANCE CD ON

Scarborough! ARE YOU READY?!

Dave! Ah, there you are.

Thought you might like to have a look at some more figurines.

Kevin, I really don't think the guests want to see

-your little models.

-Helen Price!

-David Robson! Fancy seeing you again!

-You too!

You've not changed a bit.

THEY LAUGH

-So where do you two know each other?

-David was my first boyfriend.

-Was he?! Like...at primary school?

-No, like proper serious boyfriend.

I had no idea you were still in Scarborough.

Well... Not still in Scarborough. Back in Scarborough.

Big difference. What about you?

Me... I'm a doctor now. I'm here for a medical conference.

-Wow. You did well for yourself.

-Yeah. You too...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-We should have a proper catch up.

-Yeah!

-Maybe! Maybe... But she's got a stack

-of ironing to get through so...

-Well, I've got five minutes...

So we're all agreed, the movie is cancelled.

What?! Where did you get that from?

Well... We got chased away from set by an angry vicar,

we left all our props and...

You can't act.

Roger that. You were worse than the skeleton.

Right. OK. So we'll get another actor. Can't be that difficult!

Look! A perfect vampire!

But what if he says no to being in the film?

He won't be able to. Because I'm not going to ask him.

Oh, this new geography app is so educational...

Oh, I'm sorry, didn't mean to press that button.

A vampire being blinded by the light.

And you're going to make a whole film like that?

Why not? It's how they made all the Harry Potter films.

No, it isn't.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Thanks. I appreciate it.

THEY LAUGH You better run! Hat thief!

Excusez moi. Afraid you're somewhat encroaching on our turf.

-You what?

-We're dancing here. Scarborough Morris,

-of which I am squire.

-Who says YOU own the street?

Permit from the council.

I do sympathise.

After all, Scarborough Morris are street dancers too.

Hey nonny no!

But I am an ACTUAL street dancer?

I'm ACTUALLY going to London for a festival?

Ah! A fellow traveller indeed!

This gang of reprobates will be at the self-same knees-up.

I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

We're going to the festival too.

And are always looking for new members to don the bells...

-BELLS JINGLE

-What do you say, kiddo?!

So, the vampire rises from the dead,

goes around town sucking people's blood. Arrgh!

Then the sun rises, kills him, the end.

Right.

And how are you going to film that man sucking people's blood?

-We'll sort out the fine details later.

-Who's the little guy?

You're not a real vampire unless you've got an assistant.

But that's ANOTHER actor! How are we going to do that?

Louie!

Yes, Charlie?

You know that new guest downstairs?

-Yes.

-He's got your job.

The one you're going to do when you grow up.

-What job?

-That's a secret.

But the way to find out is to follow him everywhere

and copy EVERY single thing he does.

-OK. Thanks, Charlie.

-Oh, and dress smartly.

We're using an innocent child as an undercover operative?

-Yeah.

-Beautiful.

See that's the difference between you and me, Ben.

YOU look for problems, while I look for solutions.

Right... Yeah... Good one.

My Hannah! A Morris dancer. Who'd have thought it?

I'm not ACTUALLY Morris dancing. I mean I am.

But none of my friends'll see me,

and as soon as it's over I can go and hook up with my REAL crew.

It's true, I really am out of touch with the kids.

Why can't you just be happy for me, for once?!

I AM happy!

-Full of the joys of spring?

-Wait till I tell you why...

Let me guess. Something to do with the "coincidental"

-reappearance of dishy Dr Dave.

-Oi. It was 20 years ago!

-And if you must know, I dumped him.

-YOU dumped him?

Yes, actually.

He was really geeky, didn't look like it was going anywhere.

Well, look at him now, eh? A doctor. Rich, successful.

-Devastatingly handsome.

-Perhaps YOU should ask him out.

Mum, can Alison and Ben sleepover?

Yeah... As long as their parents say it's OK.

I just think it's a little bit weird.

Of all the B&Bs in all the world he had to check into ours.

-You're right, he's come back for me so we can run away together.

-What?

OK... So the first shot of the film, the vampire rises from the dead.

How do we know what time he's going to wake up?

I'm pretty sure it'll happen when I set off this klaxon.

-KLAXON BLARES, HE GASPS

-What? Who?

What are you doing?! What's going on?!

You booked an alarm call, sir? 3am? No?

-What was that noise? Ben?

-They woke me!

I suffer from

nocturnal ambulatory syndrome...

AKA sleepwalking.

Charlie!

CRASHING

Waking Dr Robson, shining lights in his face...

-He was very cross.

-Erm...

-But I know why you did it.

-You do?

You saw me and your mum arguing, and you were worried.

So you decided to get rid of Dr Robson.

Yeah...yeah, that's what it is.

Oh, Charlie. Come here.

There we go. Nothing to be worried about.

Why are we filming this?

Scene seven, blood gushes in the vampire's face.

Blood? What blood?

I've booby trapped the ketchup. Observe...

YOU did this, didn't you?! I'm going to speak to your mother...

No, don't!

It's my dad. He makes me play these tricks.

He's jealous of you because you used to be mum's boyfriend

and now you're a really successful doctor.

Well, he has been rather unfriendly since he found out.

Yeah. Dad does weird stuff when he's jealous.

One guy, Dad emptied his suitcase and filled it with dead jellyfish.

Really?

Yeah... Please don't tell Mum. I promise,

no more tricks.

I'll just go on my new geography app.

We're studying Swedish coconut farms.

Hoho! Ahem...

MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS

Ah... It's our novice! Just in time for the first set!

I trust you've been reading the handbook?

What?!

I just came to get my train ticket.

All in good time. First, take up your sticks.

-No, I've got to bounce.

-Eventually.

But we'll start with the basics - double step

and Adderbury hand movements, then into the half hey.

BELLS JINGLE AS THEY WALK

MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What do you call that?!

I thought I'd just freestyle.

If you're to be festival-fit, Hannah,

we require commitment and dedication.

From the top!

Why do I have to do this?

Because Mum never, ever listens to a single word I say.

I'm no psychoanalyst,

but do you think that might be connected to your constant lying?

In!

What's that thing on your neck, Mrs Enright?

-What thing?

-That purple mark. Like a rash.

-Where?

-Just, just there.

It COULD be viral.

If it spreads, you might lose MAJOR comms systems - like your ears.

Oh, yes. That looks nasty.

Yeah, you better get a doctor to look at that.

-Like that Dr Robson.

-Dr Robson? Oh, David.

Yes, I will. I'll ask him.

Oh, David, I am sorry to trouble you.

Could you have a look at my neck?

-Your neck?

-With you being a doctor.

A doctor. Yes, sure. Of course. Yeah. Take a seat, sit down.

I'll have a look on the web and see

if there is anything about scary purple neck marks.

-It's just there, at the back...

-Why don't you have a closer look?

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

-I've got a big mark on my neck.

-I was just examining her.

-I suggest, doctor, the only

-thing that needs examining around here are your motives.

-You what?!

-I think I'll just go to my room.

-Little bit creepy.

Him or you?!

Don't you see it, do you? He's a lady killer.

Mark my words. He's come back to get you.

Charlie, what are you doing?!

Erm... Internet stuff you'd never understand.

Dad... Could you say that lady killer bit again, but more sinister?

Remember, Hannah,

a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

Or in your case, a double-step. For now, farewell.

Hi, Hannah!

Ingrid! Didn't see you there.

What's with the outfit?!

This? Oh, I've just come from a... martial arts class.

Oh, wow. So why are you wearing bells?

It's because of the level I'm at.

After the black belt, you move up. To bell belt.

Oh, so are these like your weapons?

That's right. I could actually kill a man with these.

Gosh, Hannah. There's so much we don't know about you.

And let's hope it stays that way.

See? You said it couldn't be done but we've filmed all the scenes.

Except one. The vampire and his assistant walk through the graveyard

crying out for blood. And that's impossible.

The word impossible is not in our dictionary.

Yes, it is. It after impetuous and before impractical.

Oh. It's just you.

-Dad's looking for you.

-What? Why?

Something about you trying to break up his marriage...

I was examining your mum's neck!

Don't try to explain it. It makes Dad angrier.

What? He's done this before?

That's it - I'm moving to another B&B.

No, don't! The other bloke did and Dad said him

-running away was proof that he was guilty.

-And what happened?

I don't know. But the bloke lives in Greenland now.

Says he feels safe there.

This is a nightmare. I'm trapped in a nightmare.

I tell you what... I'll talk to Dad, you lie low for a bit.

Maybe the graveyard, yeah?

Dad never goes there - says he hears the bodies talking to him

or something.

OK. Yeah, the graveyard. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

Ooh, no. I wouldn't wear that. Too recognisable. Try this...

It's a cape!

MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS, BELLS JANGLE

-Ah! You are really getting into this, aren't you!

-No, I'm not!

It's just a way of getting to London, that's all!

Hey... I could help you make up one of those funny colourful hats.

That's Border Morris.

We're Cotswold Morris which is, like,

a totally different tradition.

-But like you say, you're not really into it, are you?

-I need that.

-I have to film my moves for playback and analysis.

-Ooh!

OK, Hannah, concentrate! You can do this.

-Final shot. This movie making is dead easy.

-Wait a minute.

I thought he was meant to be crying out for blood.

That's where you come in.

Excuse me, sir. I've lost my dog. Could you help me find him?

-I know you, don't I? From the B&B?

-Hi, Ben.

Oh, yeah... My name is

Ben...jamin Chuzzletop.

Well, Benjamin Chuzzletop. Shall we help you find this dog?

Yes. His name's Blood.

Blood?

Yeah... He's a bloodhound. So it IS a normal name.

-Not ridiculous at all.

-All right. Yeah.

Blood!

You might have to shout louder. He's a bit deaf.

-Blood! Bloo-ood!

-Blood! Blood!

Blood!

-Oi! You there!

-Hello, vicar.

-What's your game?

-Sorry?

The bones and candles you left down in my crypt...?

What? No, you've got the wrong person.

I was just helping Benjamin Chuzzletop find his dog.

That's interesting, since Benjamin Chuzzletop died in 1836.

Eh?!

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

Perhaps we should continue this chat

-at the police station, sir?

-The dog...

-You lot, you've ruined Whitby!

-That's a wrap!

MORRIS MUSIC PLAYS, BELLS JINGLE

You've got three yeses.

You're coming to London!

Oh, thank you...

There. Attack Of The Beast is complete.

No exaggeration, I think we've just made the greatest movie of all time.

-I'll get it to the cinema.

-I'll send the e-mail entry form.

And I'll start planning the sequel.

Trust me, Ben, the audience will be begging for it.

Ah... Look who it is. Old Desecrating Dave.

Thanks for vouching for me with the police.

What you do in your spare time is your own business.

Although Hels was pretty shocked.

Look. Kevin. We need to talk.

The thing is, I haven't been entirely honest with you. Or Helen.

-Oh, yes?

-When I knew Helen...before,

she thought I was a bit of a geek.

So when I saw her again yesterday I said the first stupid thing

that came into my head, that I was a successful doctor.

And you're not a doctor?

Oh, yes! In your stupid face, Helen!

I'm actually here for a film festival. Scarborough Bloodfest?

No. Never heard of it. Carry on.

Amateur horror. You don't get much geekier than that.

Hahaha! No. No. You certainly do not.

You're welcome to come along. I'm judging the contest...

Wait... You're the judge?! You mean you're going to watch the films?

I can hardly judge them without watching, can I?!

-PHONE BEEPS

-Oh! E-mail!

Ah! A late entry! Attack Of The Beast from Charlie Enright.

-That's you, isn't it?

-You've entered the film festival?

Well, I look forward to seeing what you've come up with!

Yes. So do I! This is exciting isn't it?

You can... Oh, he's gone!

HE'S the judge?!

The man we terrorised, got arrested, and secretly filmed for two days...

-is the judge?

-Nothing's ever easy, is it?

Charlie! We need to get that film back! Now.

But he already knows we've entered.

We've got to show something - we'll use YOUR film!

A Squeak In The Dark? But you said it was rubbish!

What do I know? Mr Robson's an expert.

He'll probably think it's dead good.

There were certain subtleties you overlooked...

Right. Let's bang it on a flash drive, get it down to the cinema.

I wonder if the critics will understand

-the symbolism of the goldfish...

-Ben! We're in a hurry!

OK, so we need to find the projection room and swap this.

-Got to be through there. I'll create a diversion.

-Yeah.

Just for once, it'd be nice to go through a door that DIDN'T have

a do not enter sing on it.

-Look out! It's a King Cobra!

-THEY GASP

False alarm! Just a fire hose.

The projection room. This is sacred ground.

Whatever. Just swap the sticks over.

Got it.

I am staff. Thought I heard a commotion up here.

-But no, everything seems to be tickety-boo.

-Back to work!

"Scarborough Bloodfest". Not really my sort of thing.

No, me neither. You know whose sort of thing it is?

Dave. Your lying, grave-robbing ex-boyfriend.

Is that why you brought me here? To tell me what a geek he is?

Look around.

If you'd stayed with him, this is where you'd be - Geek City.

-Hi, Dad.

-Just saying how proud we are of you, son.

Charlie, I can't understand the job. I've given up.

OK, buddy.

Does that mean I'll never work and I'll always be poor like Dad?!

-Eh?

-Where does he get all this stuff?! Hahaha!

I'll make my own way down to London.

Hook up with you guys at the festival.

-Make your own way? Are you sure?

-She'll be fine.

She can kill a man with two sticks, you know?

LOUD MOANING

SHE SIGHS

SHE GASPS

THEY SCREAM

These films are rubbish.

I know! I'll have nightmares from how boring they were.

Two chocolate tubs, please.

SHE LAUGHS

Working behind enemy lines! Nice!

It's actually quite stressful.

I don't think I'll hit my sales target.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for our next film.

It's your hamster film!

This one's from local film-maker Charlie Enright.

THEY CHEER

Come on, Hannah, you can do this.

-MORRIS MUSIC STARTS

-Hannah?!

Charlie! He copied the wrong film!

Sorry, bit of a technical problem...

This is just me messing around. I'm not seriously doing a double

spring caper with Bampton hand movements.

I HATE Morris dancing.

Obviously. It's for weirdos, losers and total sad sacks.

-Young lady!

-Oh, great!

You're hereby banished, vanquished,

and ostracised from the Scarborough Morris!

Come on, Morris men!

I can still come to London, right?! Right?! Call me!

Um. Well, apologies for the mix-up there. But it's not a problem.

-We'll just play the backup copy.

-Backup copy?

When the entries came in,

we make backup copies in case of problems like this.

When they came in? That means the film must be...

Oh, no!

LOW MOANING AND GROANING

HE GASPS

Blood! Blood!

-Blood!

-Blood! Bloooood!

HE is a lady killer.

Mark my words, he's come back to get you.

SCREAMING

HOWLING

SILENCE

I know my job now! I'm a vampire!

See? That was definitely the scariest film.

Can I have the money now?

Argh! That kid just bit me!

Charlie!

How can this be right? Cleaning moss off the old gravestones.

And for what? For using my imagination to make a film.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!