Gumball All At Sea

But it's educational.

Please! How can a remote-control helicopter be educational?

You're such an idiot.

It's not an ordinary one, it's got a spy cam on the front.

-Brilliant for...

-Spying on people?

It could save lives as well. If I saw someone drowning...

Charlie, you are not having a remote-control helicopter,

A, because it costs £90 and, B, because when we bought you

a remote-control boat, you put Ben's hamster in it.

That was science. We were testing to see if hamsters are intelligent.

They're not.

That depends who you compare 'em to.

I think this one's a bit better. Is it?

Well, it's unusual.

By which she means pathetic. But really, you knew that, didn't you?

Making a scarecrow, I thought the stand would be the hard bit,

but the head's a nightmare.

I could make you a brilliant one.

For 90 quid.

I think I need to get another pumpkin.

Not now. Fergal's coming. Remember? Pat's husband?

Yeah. Yeah. Spending the entire day with a bloke I've never met before.

-Can't wait.

-Oh, he's nice.

Really into hill-walking. Bet you'd like hill-walking.

-Translation - she wants you out the house.

-No.

-Well, you are in a lot.

-No, no, that's not true!

I went out for a drink with the book group guys last month.

Or was it February?

Look! My old dance group have made it through to the Scarborough

heats of Yorkshire's Top Talent!

And they've changed their name to Random Cru!

What were they called before?

Hannah Cru, obviously. I'll drop by rehearsals, give them some tips.

On what? Losing(?)

You won't be laughing when we win 100 quid, you povvo.

What? 100...?

She's right! The winner of the heat gets 100 quid!

DOORBELL RINGS Oh! That'll be Fergal.

Oh. This should be a laugh(!)

Fergal! Come in.

Greetings. I come bearing gifts.

Oh, we've already got those. But thank you, lovely thought.

-So, this must be the famous Kev.

-Kev-IN!

-Hello, mate.

-Hi.

Right, I'll put the kettle on.

-Do you want to...

-Yeah.

So, how have things been, Fergal, since the, um...

It's all right, you can say it. Since I got the boot. Fine.

-Obviously, I miss the factory.

-Yeah...

-Fergal was a manager at the ventilator plant.

-Oh.

Sounds fascinating.

Kevin used to work in a bank. Didn't you, Kevin?

Yes. Yes. But I've always been creative. Lots of outside interests.

Inside interests, more like. He's never out of the house.

If I put my detective hat on...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..I put it to you, sir, that one of those interests is woodworking.

Lovely bit of joining. And the filigree - did you do that?

Just something I knocked up. Yeah.

You're right, mate, you are creative.

-Do you know a bit about woodworking?

-Nah, I'm all thumbs with timber.

What about pumpkins?

-Yes, I have been known to carve the odd bit of fruit.

-Really?

Listen, I don't suppose you could do better than that?

-These humble instruments are at your disposal, sir.

-Oh!

Oh, he has got an invisible hat.

And now I shall put this pencil through this coin.

-Whoa! How did you do that?

-A magician never tells.

But it's so cool.

It's a trick coin. Look, it's got a flap and everything.

-Outstanding!

-But seriously,

-do you think I'm good enough to win Yorkshire's Top Talent?

-No.

But I think you're good enough to win Scarborough's heat.

And then...

helicopter with spy cam!

Now, just promise me that we're not putting animals in it.

Definitely not. It'd wreck it!

This is expensive hardware.

That's what you said about the boat, then you put Monty in it.

Bet he made it to Ireland.

And one and two and three and four...

Duck and cover, guys. The H-bomb's back.

Hannah?

Heard about the old Yorkshire's Top Taz.

Obviously me quitting was the wake-up call you needed.

So I'm back.

Actually, we've got a new lead dancer now.

Vicky?

The substitute backing dancer? Are you having a laugh?

Watch and learn, hobbit.

DJ, hit it!

'This is for those who'd like a moment.'

MUSIC: Skip To The Good Beat by Rizzle Kicks

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Yeah, y'all, yeah

# Check the rhyme and rhythm It's nice and different

# Plus it's bright and brilliant Kind of how I like my women

# That's the right opinion Although at night I'm slipping

# When I never ring her she thinks that I'm a villain... #

Is the hat on straight?

I love what you have done with the hair.

The hair is lovely.

All right. OK.

Ta-da!

Don't worry, love. It's not real.

I know. It doesn't have legs - it can't catch me.

I think I'm just going to go upstairs and not be here.

So...what do you think?

I think you should make sure it doesn't face next door.

-Mrs Campbell's got a weak heart.

-The eyes are Fergal's idea.

-Classic Fergal, that!

-Turns out I do have a creative side.

Not that they cared at the factory.

-Well, thanks for your help, Fergal.

-Fergal's going to stay for lunch.

We'll pop this in the garden, then chill and watch a DVD.

Rhapsody In Wood - A Hundred Years Of Chair Making. Sounds brilliant.

Lunch? I haven't got much in.

I'll eat anything, Helen.

Couple of chops, peas, roasties, whatever...

Right... Erm...

What else can we do?

# ..Wanna be smart but I don't like learning

# Wanna be fit but I don't like running

# Then I see you and I wish I'd done something

# I like your style

# Been watching you for a while

# I said, oh, yeah

# Let's dance and then let's skip to the beat... #

Hannah Cru!

So, I'm back, yeah?

Um, maybe I should dance before we make a final decision?

-If you want to embarrass yourself.

-Hit it!

MUSIC RESTARTS

Yeah, that was all right. A few bits you need to work on.

Hands up who wants me as lead?

Sorry, Hannah.

But you can be with my pointers, they showcase my skills. Watch.

SHE SIGHS

When I get on stage I need to project an aura of confidence.

You'll be fine. Stop worrying about it.

You're right! Worriers never look confident.

I need to stop worrying.

I can't! Now, I'm worrying about worrying!

-Oh! This isn't good!

-Gumballs, three o'clock!

Jaw-breakers! Ben, lend us a quid!

All right! Let's not get too distracted.

I need to practise my act, you need to give me feedback.

I'll be able to concentrate better when I've had gumballs.

Yeah, nothing like a brightly coloured ball of sugar

to focus the mind.

It's not working!

I gone and given you my trick coin!

That's one of my best bits! We need to get it back!

It's stuck...

I'm against the use of force.

Unless it's absolutely necessary.

No... You can't do that! I can reach up...

Oh!

My hand's stuck!

Hang on!

Hang on...

We need to get you out of there, Ben.

A wolf in a trap would gnaw off its own leg.

Just saying.

Oi! What are you doing?

Not again!

THEY CHUCKLE

You can stare all you like, Crow Man.

But you'll never catch me. I've got legs!

IT CREAKS

HE GASPS

I've phoned the engineer

and he can't get here for four and a half hours.

What? We can't wait four hours!

He's got a magic show to do.

I look at him there, I don't see magician.

Come on, son, have a sit down. And a cup of tea...

No, he's highly allergic to...milk.

His throat, it swells up, it's horrible. It's all like...

HE GAGS AND CHOKES

Urrrgghhhhh....

I'll get you some lemonade.

What did you tell him that for?

We can't wait four hours. We'll have to fix this ourselves.

Ben, we're mobilising!

We can't do this! This is insane!

Oi!

You little...!

TV: '..the lumber into four pieces...'

Oh! Lovely hammer technique.

It's amazing, every time I watch this, I find something new.

-Here we go!

-Lovely jubbly.

No roasties.

Fergal did ask for roasties, love.

Do you know, I have not had the time.

You know, with the shopping, looking after the kids, running a B&B...

All right, then?

Yeah. Just a little bit of brown sauce, Helen.

-Oh, and some mint sauce, room temperature.

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, here comes the claw hammer.

Look at that!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

No, Chloe, it's not... It's...

Don't have a go at Chloe! She might be a rubbish dancer...

but she's a human, too! I say it's time for a change!

I think Gemma for lead dancer!

Me? No! I'm not good enough!

You've got to believe in yourself, hon.

But you're right, you're not good enough.

So, who else could it be...?

Someone who has experience of leading a crew...

But who...?

What are you, thick?

Obviously, it's me!

What about this?

Hands up who thinks we should kick Hannah out of the crew?

SHE SIGHS

(Asking me for brown sauce...

(They are useless!)

GUMBALLS RATTLE Sh!

It's not me, it's the machine!

SSSSH! Get up to my room.

-Charlie, you want some lunch?

-(Freeze!)

QUIET RATTLING

-What's that noise?

-I didn't hear anything.

Hi, guys. You want some lunch?

No, thanks, Mrs Enright, we're fine.

Affirmative. Meaning negative on the food.

We had a lovely dinner at Ben's.

Pork, chicken and cake.

OK, well, better get on.

It's an Italian recipe.

From Venice, I think.

I'd love to go to Venice, see all the canals.

The gondolas at sunset, magical...

Fascinating.

But I really must get on.

I'll do it, Mum. Changing the bed sheets and that.

What? Why would you...?

I've been thinking I need to help out a little more.

-What have you done?

-Done? I'm being...

Is there something in your bedroom?

Is that why you won't let me upstairs?

-No... There's nothing in my bedroom.

-Come on. Out of the way.

< ARGUMENT CONTINUES

Mum! Help, Mum! >

Go!

It's after me!

-Oh, Louie...! I moved it.

-What's the emergency?

Will you tell him that's not real?

I've got to go and sort Charlie out, he's up to something.

HE SIGHS

Louie, that scarecrow, it's just a pumpkin and a couple of sticks...

You've probably heard the stories,

haven't you, about them coming to life?

About how they hunt down kids and put them up on a stick.

And they turn the kids into scarecrows and just leave them

in a field, for ever, for all eternity...

But they are just silly stories.

You don't need to worry.

-Hey, Fergal, do you want to see my drill bits?

-Yeah!

Hi, Mum!

Just tell me, have you done something really bad?

No! it's Ben. He's in the heat for Yorkshire's Top Talent later.

So, we're just having a bit of R and R.

All right.

Good luck, Ben.

The stress of this! Get it off me!

Mind you, if we can't, you could do an act with it,

you could dance with it. You could... OW!

It was just a thought.

-Don't suppose you've seen three kids with a gumball machine?

-Nah.

Well, they've stolen it. So, if you do...

Actually I did see some girls down the community centre,

smashing up a gumball machine,

saying they had to destroy the evidence. Could that be connected?

-Definitely.

-Well, I've heard their leader, Vicky Carter,

is a right little crim. Up to all sorts.

And then, I showed them my moves and they said I was way better

and they asked me to be lead dancer!

That's fantastic, Hannah!

Parents can come, too.

So, I was thinking you and Dad could make a huge banner that says

"Hannah, She's The Greatest Dancer".

No. But we'll clap.

All right, better go and get ready...

I like a nice bit of pine. But you're the boss, Kev.

No, I like pine, pine is da bomb.

Hey, Fergal's had a brilliant idea!

We're going to build a proper garden shed.

At Fergal's?

-No. No. Here. You said we should get one.

-Just take a couple of weeks.

Well, that's a lot of work, Fergal. You sure you can spare the time?

No, I can be here seven days a week. I've got nothing else to do...

Hey, Hannah's in a heat of Yorkshire's Top Talent.

-We've got to go.

-My Vicky's in it, too!

Oh, well, great! We can go together, then.

-Yeah(!)

-MOBILE RINGS

Vicky! I was just talking about you.

What? What? Calm down. WHAT?

Don't worry, darling, I'm coming.

It's my little princess! She's been taken down the police station.

Decoupling complete.

Brilliant!

How is this brilliant?

It's less obvious. Maybe now, you can do the magic show?

Are you out of your mind?

How am I supposed to do delicate sleight of hand

with a giant gumball hoof?

He's right.

But a wolf would gnaw off its own...

Will you stop saying that! I'm not gnawing! Nobody's gnawing!

-There's only one thing for it...

-You're right.

We'll go back to the shop, apologise to the shop...

You coach me! I'll do the magic show!

-Sorry? What?

-Excellent! The old switcheroo!

That's ridiculous! You don't know the first thing about magic!

The wardrobe of disappearance - how is that going to work?

You put someone in it, they disappear.

Yeah, but how? HOW do they disappear?

And sawing someone in half? How are you going to do that?

I don't know. You'll teach me, I'll practise.

Yeah, but who's going to be stupid enough to let you....

Louie, you want to help us with our magic act, buddy?

I don't like it here. I don't want to be a scarecrow.

Me neither, buddy. Me neither.

-P.A.:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Yorkshire's Top Talent.'

-Hi, I'm here to win the heat.

-You're early.

Yeah. I'm a magician. I've got to set up my equipment.

-Name?

-Ben.

And I'm Jim, in case you're wondering. Good ol' Jim.

-Jiminy Cricket. Jim-Jim-Jim-Jeroo.

-You're a ventriloquist?

Oh. Yeah, I'm not performing.

Last-minute stage fright, eh?

Come on, show me, I bet you're brilliant.

-MUFFLED:

-Get back in the box, Dumbo!

-MUFFLED:

-No, I don't want to get back in the box!

Well, there's always next year.

I haven't got a Ben down here.

Oh, he's got a stage name -

The Great Decepto.

I thought it'd sound a bit more mysterious.

Daddy! Daddy!

It's all right, love. What's going on?

A witness saw Vicky smashing a stolen gumball machine with a hammer.

-I didn't, Daddy! I didn't!

-I'm sure we can sort this out...

No, no, Fergal, don't be reasonable.

The last thing these people respect is reasonable.

Now, listen, my name is Kevin J Enright.

The J stands for Justice - and so do I.

Yes, exactly.

And now...

empty!

Cool!

Where has she gone?

Into another world far, far away.

But soon she'll be back,

because when we open the door...

Voila!

Piece of cake. Now, what about that one?

You've got to get this absolutely right.

So, Louie has made sure he has tucked his feet

into the top half of the coffin.

-Right, Louie?

-Yeah.

So, this is empty.

The fake feet can be activated by this button here...

Which creates the illusion

that Louie is at full length in the coffin

which makes it absolutely terrifying for the audience when I do...

When I do...

Totally unrealistic. You've severed major arteries,

-there should be massive blood spatter.

-In your version,

where the whole audience need years of psychotherapy.

OK, got it.

Why all the fuss, Ben? I am going to be amazing at this.

But what happens if the little man starts to fight back? Oh, yes...

What happens if the little man has the heart of a giant?

Well...

Nah, she's not one of them.

-All right, you can go.

-No, hang on, I haven't finished yet.

I had a bit about the... OK. Four down, "Gryffindor".

-P.A.:

-'Well done to Brian Phelps for his farmyard impressions.

'And in a moment, we have Acrobaby!'

You're beautiful. When I die I want a coffin just like you.

THUDDING

RUMBLING

Scarecrow head! It's come for me! I must escape to another world!

Still no sign of her!

I can't believe Vicky would let us down like this.

Only one thing we can do -

go back to the old routine, I'll dance lead. All right?

But we'll keep the pointing.

Only now, you're pointing at me.

Kevin, I'm at the talent show now.

Give me a call and tell me

everything was all right at the police station.

Not that I'm not worried, just... Anyway, call me. Kevin...?

-He's brilliant, he catches them every time.

-Yorkshire's Top Talent!

-Why didn't you call me?

-Oh, I clean forgot.

Got caught up in the fight against police oppression...

He was fantastic. Next one, I'll try one with my eyes closed.

Yeah... Go on! Go on! Here we go.

One, two, three...

No, maybe later.

SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYS

'And now, give it up for The Great Decepto!'

APPLAUSE

That's my boy! That's my boy!

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are about to witness the greatest carnival of conjuring

ever seen by human eyeballs.

For my first trick, I will need a mobile telephone.

You, madam?

Thank you.

Now, watch - if you dare!

(Charlie! The double! Swap it for the double!

-(Charlie...)

-SMASHING GLASS

(No! No!

(Charlie! Charlie!)

As you can see, I've smashed the phone.

But watch in amazement, as the phone is...

TINKLING

Ahem...

It'll be all right in about an hour.

-Whoo-hoo. Let's raise the roof.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

And now, for my next trick, The Wardrobe Of Wonder!

Now, I need another volunteer from the audience? Anyone?

Melanie Wight - you're volunteered.

Step inside my magic door,

and I'll do some magic which'll make the crowd go, "Cor!"

Are you from the other world?

You should stay there. My world is scary.

Whoooooo!

And now, to your astonishment, you will find she has disa...

Turned into a boy!

Is this the other world?

It's just like mine...

-Hello? Hello?

-BANGING

Am I the king here?

-Let me out! Anybody there?

-BANGING

And in one hour, he will turn back into a girl!

-Hello? Hello? Let me out!

-BANGING

And now, my final trick! The Coffin Of Chaos.

You'd better pull something out of the bag, pronto!

For this, I need a member of the audience to volunteer

so that I can saw them in half. Anyone?

I'll do it!

Thank you, Fergal.

You're my best mate, Kev. Don't want to see your boy hanging.

You hear that? We're best mates!

And...point!

Gemma, lose the bendy banana finger!

Sorry, Hannah.

-Sorry I'm late.

-Vicky!

-When are we on?

-"We"?

I don't think so. You couldn't be bothered showing up,

-we had to change the whole routine.

-We don't care! We want Vicky!

You want a crim for lead dancer?

-She's been charged with stealing a gumball machine!

-How do you know?

Just...heard?

From who? You've been here,

you've haven't talked to anyone... It was you!

-You lied to the police to get rid of me!

-No! I...

I'm telling my dad! You're toast!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Behold, as I, The Great Decepto, saw a human in half!

They're not the fake feet!

He hasn't told him to tuck his legs!

Charlie's a big-picture guy.

Not good on detail.

"Details"? He's about to cut someone in half!

Charlie! Charlie!

Dad! Dad! I found out who lied to the police! Her!

Wait till I get hold of her! Let me out!

-Ssssh! I'm trying to win 100 quid here!

-Let me out, son.

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to saw you in half.

Look, fake feet.

I felt that!

I felt that! Help! He's going to chop me in half!

Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, it's all part of the act!

No, stop!

-No-o-o-o!

-Daddy!

CRASHING

-Fergal!

-(Ouch.)

Shut it down!

It's now or never, guys!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

HE YELLS, GLASS SMASHES

That's the thug who framed my Vicky!

Her?

Just promise me one thing, make sure she's punished!

Course I will. Whoever that is.

Hannah! Hannah! Come here!

Your dad wants to punish you.

-Her dad!

-Fergal, Fergal... our plans, the garden shed!

-Don't throw that away.

-You're dead to me, Kev. Kevin.

Can I have my hundred pounds now?

At least we've secured the gumballs. Want one?

I forgot to say. I'm allergic.

I like it here.

How can this be right?

Public humiliation and for what?

Trying to bring some magic into people's lives?

What kind of lesson is THAT for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!