Dummy All At Sea


Dummy

Charlie and his family run a bed and breakfast by the sea. Charlie and his pals try to help a Punch and Judy puppeteer 'improve' his act.


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Transcript


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Mum, can my friend stay over? He's going to the party tomorrow.

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What party?

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Louie's been invited to a really posh party

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at Margaret Ferguson's house. You know, the MP.

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But...he's eight.

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It's not the MP's party, is it? It's the MP's daughter Jane's birthday.

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Is somebody jealous? Of course your friend can stay over,

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as long as his mum says it is all right.

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Great! I'll go and tell Conor.

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What?

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Conor, that's what.

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Conor, as in Louie's imaginary friend,

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who I thought we had left behind in London.

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We did. He must have got the imaginary bus

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up the imaginary motorway.

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Just ignore it and don't encourage him.

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Me, encourage him? You're the one that took us

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all to Scotland that time for Conor's birthday.

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Oh, yeah. Maybe we should go there again this year.

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OK. OK, point taken. I will deal with it.

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Morning, everybody...

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Erm... I am going to go!

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You are so dead.

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Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.

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Don't, "Hi, Mum" me, coming in at all hours.

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And I bet Mabel was to blame again.

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You said you didn't want to talk about it.

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I said it was too late to talk about it last night.

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NOW I want to talk about it.

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Well, make your mind up!

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I have. You're grounded.

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What?! For a whole day?

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Nice try. A whole week.

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It's Record Store Day tomorrow and I promised Mabel I'd go...

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Oh, Mabel! Thought so.

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You don't even know her! And Mabel's not bad, she's fun.

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Not that you've ever had an atom of fun in your entire life...

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Am I really that boring?

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No, no, no, no. It's parenting, isn't it?

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Every kid needs a fun parent and a...

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And a not-fun parent?

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That is so unfair! How dare she say that about you?

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It is outrageous.

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Is that it? We can't get an ice cream with 17 pence.

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Why not try moving on?

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That's the way to do it! That's the way to do it!

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Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

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APPLAUSE

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Genius.

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What's genius about a pair of socks beating each other up?

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A pair of socks?

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Punch and Judy is a highly-skilled art form.

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It's totally unrealistic.

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Since when could a crocodile be overpowered with a wooden spoon?

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You'd need an M60.

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Exactly, it was rubbish!

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Ah... Hello, guys! Good to see some older faces in the crowd.

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-Yeah, we were just saying, your show is...

-Fantastic!

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We really loved it.

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Compliments don't pay the bills.

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Oh, Mr Punch, where are your manners?

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Brilliant!

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That's all we've got!

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And I really appreciate it.

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Actually, do you think you could keep

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an eye on my booth for a few moments?

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I need a bathroom break.

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Yeah. Sure.

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Thanks, guys.

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Right, let's make our money back and give these kids a proper show.

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Louie. I thought we might have a little chat.

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I wonder what's keeping Conor?

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You see, when a little boy's got a big imagination,

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he can sometimes think things are real when they're not.

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Like what?

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Well, like...

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Conor!

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-Yes, like Conor.

-He's here!

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Gone.

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Hi, Conor!

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Pound coins only.

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If anyone puts a button in the cup, I will find you and I will hurt you.

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Relax, Ben. Just think of all the money...

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the ice cream.

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You don't know the first thing about Punch and Judy!

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No...

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But you do.

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You want me to operate Mr Punch?

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I won't let you down, Charlie.

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I "borrowed" it from the ice cream lady,

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for the fight scenes.

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Raspberry syrup...

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There we go, a nice hot chocolate.

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Oh, see her? Sophie Conroy.

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The nicest girl you will ever meet. Well, she was,

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until she met Bad Becky Brown.

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-Bad Becky Brown?

-Mmm.

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Straight-A student, she was, until she fell in with Becky Brown.

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Do you know where she is now? Busking on the London Underground.

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Oh, cool! Does she write her own material?

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No! What? Eh? No! No.

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My point is...

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My point is, I was young once...

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..and I know what it is like to be led astray.

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Why are you on your own in all these photos?

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Am I? I hadn't noticed.

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President of the Solitaire Club?

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Wow. Did you not you have any friends?

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What? Life is not a popularity contest, you know.

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I get what this is about.

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You're jealous I get to hang around with the cool girl

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and you never could.

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There was nothing cool about Becky Brown, let me tell you.

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And where is she now? Prison, probably... And where am I?

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Surrounded by my loving family.

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Got any toast?

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Yeah.

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Good chat.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, Mr Punch! Hello, everybody!

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CHILDREN: Hello!

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Now, has anybody seen our baby?

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What are you doing? Where's the baby?

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He said he wants older kids to watch,

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so I am going to make things a bit more...gritty.

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I'm hungry.

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I'm afraid there's nothing to eat in here, Mr Crocodile.

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That's what you think!

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Raaagh!

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Charlie, stop it!

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Charlie! Charlie!

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THEY SCREAM

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Excellent! That's the way to do it.

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Stop!

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Maybe I'll be a Punch and Judy man when I leave school.

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What have you done to my show?

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I can't take all the credit.

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I mean, the syrup bit was Alison's idea.

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Get out!

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What are you doing?

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Terrifying the kids, scaring all my customers away...

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Me?!

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I should report you.

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One more stunt like that and I'll see they take your licence away.

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-Do you think we should say something?

-Yeah.

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Three ninety-nines, please.

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With extra syrup.

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Ah...

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There's a woman here who says the best way to deal with

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imaginary friends is give them chores.

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"Your child will soon tire of covering for

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"an imaginary friend and give up on them."

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Now could be your chance to find out.

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Louie? Is that you?

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We're going to my room, Mum.

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Well, come and get a sandwich first.

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Hold on.

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There you go.

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Thanks, Mum. Conor likes cheese too.

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Well, you know, Louie,

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if Conor wants to eat cheese, he's going to have to do his fair share.

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Maybe he could start by weeding the gardens.

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OK.

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They give me jobs to do too.

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Come on, I'll show you where they keep the tools.

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SHE COUGHS

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Hey, Hannah. What's up with you?

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Sore throat. Won't make it out today.

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Hey, you get in trouble for being late last night?

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As if! Nobody tells me what to do.

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Except me. She's grounded, that's why she's pretending

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to have a sore throat.

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Mum! You are so embarrassing!

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Mabel, right?

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If this is about Hannah coming home late, that was all my fault.

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-Oh, I don't doubt it.

-But please,

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if you let her go to Record Store Day, I swear it won't happen again.

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I don't do deals.

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Now, this whole cool thing might be fooling Hannah,

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but it takes more than a Wig Of Bees T-shirt to impress me.

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You've heard of Wig Of Bees?

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I was going to see Wig of Bees before you were born.

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You actually saw them? That is so cool.

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I'd love to hear about it sometime.

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My mum just doesn't get it at all. She's no fun.

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I am sure Hannah would say the same thing about me.

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Does she?

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Hey, why don't you come to the Record Store Day?

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You could turn Hannah onto some good tunes.

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Yeah, she really doesn't get it, does she?

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Later, Mrs E!

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Yeah. Later, M... Mabel.

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-Ah, that's the infamous Mabel, is it?

-Yeah...

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Do you know, I think she is all right.

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I think she just needs a good role model.

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You know, someone she respects, but who is also fun.

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I would love to help but I've got my hands full with our lot, you know...

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I don't think there's any wasps' nests,

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so you don't have to worry about that.

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Who parks on the beach when you're wide open to an amphibious assault?

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Well, maybe he can't afford the car park.

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Do you think we should pay the rest of the money?

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Yeah, and some pointers on why his show's such a flop.

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-That will really help him.

-Charlie!

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What do you want?

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Just came to give you this.

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The cash we earned at the show... minus a little ice cream money.

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Well, that's very honest of you.

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One thing I appreciate, it's honesty.

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Really? Because normally when I'm honest people just get upset.

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Not me.

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Well, if it's honesty you like, you'll love this.

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When I first saw your show, I thought - no offence -

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"Those puppets are rubbish,"

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but then I realised, it's not the puppets,

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it's you. See, what you need to do is,

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you just need to work on your comedy a bit.

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Why don't you try something a little like this?

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"Hello, everybody! Ooh!"

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Ka-ka! Ka-ka! Ka-ka!

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Oh...

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Bit shoddy, isn't it? I mean, I barely touched it.

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Run!

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Out the way!

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Wait till I get my hands on you!

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It's not me you should be after, it's those kids!

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He's been terrifying kids all day. You should take his licence.

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I feel terrible...

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..I shouldn't have had that second ice cream.

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Can Conor have some ice cream too?

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No, because he hasn't finished weeding the front garden.

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He has! You haven't even looked!

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And has he watered the lawn?

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But it's going to be dark soon.

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Well, you'd better tell him to get on a move on, hadn't you?

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Hannah, how would you like it

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if I said you can go to Record Shop Day with Mabel?

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Really? Thanks, Mum!

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I think it'll be really good for us to hang out together.

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Us? You're going too? This is a nightmare.

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That could have gone better.

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She's a teenager, isn't she?

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The last thing she wants is to hang out with her big old dorky mum...

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Oh, brain freeze...

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I brought you some supplies.

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This has gone far enough.

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I think you need to have a word with Louie.

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I know. Yeah.

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I finished the garden. Can I have something to eat now?

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Sure. Just go downstairs and Dad will make you some breakfast.

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What if he gives me more work?

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Fine. You stay here, I'll go and get it.

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Dad, Conor's finished the garden. Can he have some breakfast now?

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Sit down, Louie, there's something I need to tell you.

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It's about Conor, isn't it?

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I'm afraid it is.

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You want him to trim the hedge?

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Louie...

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Conor doesn't exist.

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What?

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Sometimes, when you're little, you have imaginary friends

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and that's not a bad thing.

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But there comes a time when you have to let go.

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Oh, no, he's not my imaginary friend Conor,

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this is a different Conor.

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A real Conor.

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I know it's hard to believe, he may seem as real as you or I.

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But he's not.

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But I can see him.

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No, Louie. You think you can see him,

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but he's not really there.

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I didn't sleep at all last night. Don't you feel bad?

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Why should I?

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I tried to say sorry and the guy went crazy!

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Uh-oh.

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The tide must have come in when he was at the police station.

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That was his home!

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OK, maybe now I feel a bit bad.

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I am going to go and say sorry again.

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Charlie, we are way past sorry.

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You're right. We need to fix this.

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Are you sure?

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I'm afraid so.

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Because I don't feel imaginary.

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Louie!

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Ah! Your mum's looking for you downstairs.

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Time to get you ready for the party.

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Conor doesn't believe he doesn't exist.

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OK, OK, well, let's go and have a chat with him and I tell you what,

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if he does exist, he's got to do a lot more work in the garden.

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It's a right mess. Come on...

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Right, where is he then?

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He's gone! He DOESN'T exist!

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Louie, that is what I have been telling you.

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Come on. Let's get ready.

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It's not every day you get invited to a big posh party

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at an MP's house. You must be excited.

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Can you keep it down? We're trying to think over here.

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There's got to be a way to get the professor back in business.

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Forgery. We can create him a new licence,

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then he can work under an assumed name.

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And lose the whole Professor Chuckles brand?

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Come on, Alison, think.

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Don't you worry, Louie. There will be plenty of real children

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to play with at the party. Plus there is loads of entertainment.

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You've got Beth the Bubble Lady, Magic Melissa,

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Eric's Exotic Animals...

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That's it! Dad, you're a genius!

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Come on, we've got to go.

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So when Professor Chuckles does a good show at the kids' party,

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-the MP will give him his licence back.

-Outstanding!

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But Professor Chuckles hasn't been asked to perform at the party.

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No problem, when Eric's Exotic Animals doesn't show up,

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they'll take what they can get.

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And why won't Eric's Exotic Animals be showing up?

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The less you know, the better.

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What's that supposed to mean?

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SCREAMING

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Here you go, you look so smart.

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Right, here are my conditions.

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Firstly, no hugging in front of Mabel.

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Secondly, you can't use any of my childhood nicknames.

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What do you mean, Hannah-Banana?

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Right, I've got to go get ready.

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Don't forget, have a good time.

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What do you mean, "Get ready?" Mum!

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And how am I supposed to perform at this party?

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My puppets are ruined!

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That one looks all right.

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That...

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is a ventriloquist's dummy.

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I haven't done that act in 20 years.

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You're a genius,

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could be a whole new career for you.

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Well, genius might be a strong word.

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You'll be fab.

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Mum, will you wipe that make-up off? It's ridiculous.

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Says you, I've never seen so much blusher.

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I'm not even wearing blusher, I'm in a permanent state of embarrassment.

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Hey, Hannah.

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Looking good, Mrs E.

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Hey... You can call me Helen.

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Right, hey?

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I am not sure about this.

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What's he saying to her?

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He's explaining how one of the acts had to cancel at the last minute

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due to unforeseen circumstances.

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We're in,

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and it gets even better - there's a fee of £100!

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Now, erm...

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Naturally, we'll be taking a small finder's fee.

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But...what if Conor comes back?

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If Conor comes back, just ignore him.

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He's not real. He's like, erm...a dream.

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Oh. OK.

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Yeah, or a ghost.

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-A ghost?

-Yeah. Exactly. Go on, off you pop.

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Why can't you just get some of your own mates? This is pathetic.

0:19:230:19:27

I thought we were having fun.

0:19:270:19:29

Wow. Old records are not cheap.

0:19:290:19:32

Give it here.

0:19:320:19:34

Really? Thank you so much, Helen.

0:19:340:19:37

Hey, after this, should we go for a pizza?

0:19:370:19:39

Sounds great.

0:19:390:19:41

You know what she's doing, right?

0:19:410:19:43

She's pretending to be fun just so she can lecture you

0:19:430:19:46

on how to be boring like her.

0:19:460:19:48

Sh... Don't blow this! I've already got some rare vinyl.

0:19:480:19:51

And I love pizza.

0:19:510:19:53

What, so you're pretending to like her just to get free stuff?

0:19:530:19:57

Well, duh.

0:19:570:19:58

I knew it! I knew she wasn't fun!

0:19:590:20:02

-Yes?

-Hi, I'm Joan, I'm Conor's mum.

0:20:060:20:09

I was just dropping a present off at the party

0:20:090:20:11

and they said you hadn't dropped Conor off yet.

0:20:110:20:14

-Conor?

-Yes, Conor.

0:20:140:20:16

-He stayed here with your Louie last night.

-Erm...

0:20:170:20:20

Conor!

0:20:200:20:22

-There you go.

-Come on, sweetheart.

0:20:300:20:31

Oh, erm...thanks for the good work on the garden,

0:20:310:20:33

that was cracking stuff.

0:20:330:20:35

You might want to give him a cheese sandwich when you get a minute.

0:20:350:20:38

-Come on.

-There he is, in the flesh.

0:20:400:20:42

Conor, as I live and breathe.

0:20:430:20:45

You must know it! The chorus goes...

0:20:470:20:49

Whoo!

0:20:490:20:51

I've always wanted one of these.

0:20:520:20:53

You are having a laugh if you think my mum

0:20:530:20:55

is going to buy you an MP3 player.

0:20:550:20:57

She doesn't have to.

0:20:570:20:58

We'll wait outside for you, Helen!

0:20:580:21:00

-What are you doing?

-What, so me being grounded isn't enough,

0:21:040:21:07

so now you want me in a juvenile detention centre?

0:21:070:21:09

Mabel!

0:21:140:21:15

-So what do you think?

-Outstanding!

0:21:230:21:26

You know, I'd like to thank you all.

0:21:270:21:29

Thank us?

0:21:290:21:31

Yeah, I mean, for years I've been hiding in my Punch and Judy booth,

0:21:310:21:35

knowing that I'm really a ventriloquist at heart.

0:21:350:21:38

But now here I am doing it.

0:21:380:21:40

So what's his name?

0:21:420:21:45

Everyone, this is Cheesely.

0:21:450:21:48

Cheesely, are you going to thank the nice children

0:21:480:21:50

for giving you your big break?

0:21:500:21:53

HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

0:21:530:21:55

Yes.

0:21:590:22:00

Yes, and that goes doubly for me.

0:22:020:22:04

Don't even think about it.

0:22:130:22:15

Mabel, what have you done?

0:22:150:22:17

I'm so sorry, Mummy!

0:22:170:22:19

You are just lucky the shop agreed not to prosecute...

0:22:190:22:22

after I paid for everything.

0:22:220:22:24

-And you, you should be ashamed of yourself!

-Me?

0:22:240:22:27

Distracting staff while children steal for you.

0:22:270:22:30

That's not actually what...

0:22:300:22:32

Bad Becky Brown?

0:22:340:22:35

It's you from school.

0:22:370:22:39

Do you remember I told you about Becky Brown?

0:22:390:22:42

How is it going, Becky?

0:22:420:22:44

We all make mistakes when we're teenagers...

0:22:440:22:46

..but this, this is just sad.

0:22:470:22:51

Let's go, Mabel.

0:22:530:22:54

You're not real.

0:23:070:23:09

We can't let Professor Chuckles go on, he's terrible!

0:23:180:23:22

It'll be the final nail in his showbiz coffin.

0:23:220:23:25

Ben's right. We need to abort.

0:23:250:23:27

What? And lose 100 quid? I don't think so.

0:23:270:23:30

I'll do this show myself.

0:23:300:23:32

What? Could you see my lips moving?

0:23:320:23:34

Nothing's ever easy these days, is it?

0:23:360:23:39

Charlie! You have to hide me. It's Conor.

0:23:390:23:42

He's here - he's haunting me.

0:23:420:23:44

I've got the perfect disguise for you, Louie.

0:23:460:23:48

-Well, you were right about Mabel from the start.

-Yeah.

0:23:530:23:56

Until I went and ruined it by trying to be all down in the kids.

0:23:560:23:59

With. Down WITH the kids.

0:23:590:24:02

With the kids, yeah.

0:24:020:24:03

Hey, what about you in there, though,

0:24:030:24:05

you weren't so bad.

0:24:050:24:07

Does that mean I'm not grounded?

0:24:070:24:09

-As long as your dad never gets to hear about this.

-Deal.

0:24:100:24:13

Hey, there you go. I never really liked Wig Of Bees.

0:24:130:24:17

Far too cool for me.

0:24:170:24:19

Thanks, Mum. Hey, does that mean you'll buy me a record player?

0:24:190:24:22

-Don't push your luck.

-That is so unfair!

0:24:220:24:25

This is insane.

0:24:320:24:33

It's never going to work, we haven't even got an act!

0:24:330:24:36

We don't need an act. I'm hilarious.

0:24:360:24:38

Right, I only had what I could find in the bathroom, but...

0:24:410:24:45

camouflage effect has been achieved.

0:24:450:24:48

That's actually pretty good.

0:24:490:24:51

Pretty good? It's perfect!

0:24:510:24:54

Are you sure Conor won't know it's me?

0:24:540:24:56

He won't even know you're real as long as you act like a dummy.

0:24:560:24:59

OK...nearly showtime. I'm actually quite nervous!

0:24:590:25:02

What's all this?

0:25:030:25:05

If you'd like to step in to the bathroom, I'll explain everything.

0:25:050:25:09

Bathroom? Why would I... Oi!

0:25:090:25:11

Let me out!

0:25:130:25:14

Showtime.

0:25:150:25:17

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...

0:25:170:25:21

Cheesely.

0:25:210:25:22

APPLAUSE

0:25:220:25:24

Erm...

0:25:260:25:28

Say hello, Cheesely.

0:25:280:25:30

Hello, Cheesely.

0:25:310:25:33

Are you enjoying the party, Cheesely?

0:25:350:25:38

Don't ask me, I'm just a dummy.

0:25:380:25:40

-Are you two enjoying the party?

-Yeah.

0:25:450:25:48

What about you, young man? Are you enjoying the party?

0:25:480:25:50

Who, me?

0:25:500:25:52

Obviously! I'm looking directly at you!

0:25:520:25:54

-You can see him too?

-Yeah!

0:25:540:25:57

Conor, you're alive, just like me!

0:25:570:25:59

SCREAMING

0:25:590:26:01

Now that's entertainment.

0:26:030:26:05

Run!

0:26:080:26:09

So everything all right with Mabel, then?

0:26:150:26:18

Yeah, yeah. I don't think we have to worry about her any more.

0:26:180:26:21

How are things on the Conor front?

0:26:230:26:25

Yes, brilliant. Yes indeedy...

0:26:250:26:27

Yes... I'd be very surprised if we saw his face round here again.

0:26:270:26:30

DOORBELL BUZZES

0:26:320:26:34

-I'll get it!

-I'll get that!

0:26:340:26:36

-Mr and Mrs Enright?

-The whole shoplifting thing was a set up.

0:26:390:26:42

I would never make an eight-year-old weed my gardens.

0:26:420:26:44

Actually, we're here about your son Charlie.

0:26:440:26:48

Of course, Charlie's in trouble!

0:26:490:26:52

That is a relief.

0:26:520:26:53

We've given Charlie a warning

0:26:530:26:55

but you can expect a call from the honourable member

0:26:550:26:57

whose party he ruined.

0:26:570:26:59

Wonderful, thank you.

0:26:590:27:00

Thank you, officer, you are a credit to the force, you really are.

0:27:000:27:03

Lovely, lovely. Come on, you.

0:27:030:27:07

See you soon! Probably...

0:27:070:27:09

Charlie! What on earth were you doing at the party?

0:27:090:27:12

What were you doing at the honourable member's party?

0:27:120:27:14

-Have you not got anything to say?

-I have got plenty to say.

0:27:140:27:16

Poor kids. With parents like that, they've got no chance.

0:27:160:27:20

How can this be right?

0:27:230:27:24

Cleaning up after kids and grounded for a week. And for what?

0:27:240:27:28

For showing an interest in the arts!

0:27:280:27:30

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

0:27:300:27:31

It's a travesty of justice!

0:27:310:27:33

Charlie and his pals try to help a Punch and Judy puppeteer 'improve' his act - and may just be about to ruin his life in the process. Meanwhile, Mum is trying to get down with the kids - much to Hannah's horror - and Louis wants a friend to stay over.