Halloween All At Sea

You can't confiscate private property!

Who're you working for - the Sheriff of Nottingham?

It's illegal to carry an offensive weapon on the street.

But it's part of my Halloween costume! I'm the Grim Reaper.

You'll think of something else. Little Bo Peep?

That cost me two quid down the scrap yard!

The government owes me two quid!

Laugh it up, boys. But I'm taking names.

Awww!

-Tuttle.

-Did the nasty policemen ruin your little cossie?

What's with the peg leg?

Remember that kid trick or treating last year, with the broken arm?

Oh, yeah, everyone felt sorry for her so she got all the best...

Hang on a minute. You're pretending you've only got one leg!

Genius, isn't it? I'm going out as Long John Silver.

I've made up a really sad story.

About how I lost my leg saving my puppy from a dolphin with rabies...

Propaganda - he's winning hearts and minds.

I'll be getting so much I'll be chucking half in the bin!

Why don't you follow me round, pick it out?

And he's pretending he has only got one leg!

He can't do that! That is so wrong!

I know. But it'll work.

Once people see him acting all pathetic they'll...

That's it! We'll go out before they see him! We'll go out really early!

A pre-emptive strike? Outstanding!

You know. Or we could just tell on him?

Are you saying we should turn informer?

Absolutely not. I was just testing you! You passed!

Right. We'll go out really early and with great costumes!

Ohh! My foot, it's agony! It's been shattered like glass.

I am really sorry. The pumpkin just slipped out of my hands.

Imagine if I was lying on the floor.

That pumpkin would have gone straight on my head,

I'd be dead by now!

I'm writing my will in case I die.

I'm leaving you Simon, Roger and Pete. Pete's the lamp.

You are a bit young for a will, aren't you, love?

But I might be taken.

Nigel Thompson said Halloween is when ghosts and witches snatch children.

There's no such thing as ghosts and witches.

You said there are no wolves in England.

And I found out there is - in the zoo.

The only ghosts and witches that you see on Halloween are just

-little kids dressing up.

-All of them?

All of them. You've got nothing to worry about. It is absolutely fine.

-OK, got the X-ray.

-My foot! It's like an animal's claw!

That's what X-rays look like! She's more the creative type.

Nothing broken. Just a tiny fracture of the little toe.

That can't be right! I'm in agony!

All right, I will get you a wheelchair.

Unbelievable! What a witch!

A nurse, Louie. She's just a nurse.

Just been to the post office to pick up these.

High-end fireworks, from Germany. Yeah.

Nice to do something for the kids, isn't it?

Yeah, they are great, the Germans. For the smaller rockets.

-Connect to the network, OK?

-Yep.

What's all this?

For my fireworks.

What?

Once you scale up, you need computers.

And a proper launch pad for the bigger rockets.

The ones with the multi-programmable warheads.

-Right...

-It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. For the kids.

I need to go.

Who?

Nikola Tesla. The father of electricity.

And he wears just a white coat? No mask or weapons?

He is a real person.

So was General Patton! But at least I made an effort.

Real gabardine with authentic replica sidearm.

But Mum took it. Said it looked too real.

Just like my scythe. But I thought of how to make one that's even better.

Oh, no! Your foot's broken?

It's a slightly fractured toe.

A toe! That's nothing. It's fine!

-The pain I'm in and nobody even cares!

-We do.

She doesn't! And she's the one who dropped that on me!

Come on, let me give you a hand.

Ohhh!

Nice cup of tea?

-Maybe...one of those.

-No way. They're for the trick or treaters.

They are Swiss chocolate, top quality.

-Too good for me, are they?

-Let her have a few.

No, they cost me a fortune, these.

Making up for last year when your dad gave out bargain store toffees.

"All natural", it said on the label!

Brought the kids out in orange hives.

Why do my plans never work?

I got fireworks for Bonfire Night, but Royce has to go one better.

-Computerised, multiple warheads.

-I'm sure you can both do fireworks.

No. This is me, this. I think too small.

I'm tall, but inside, I'm a little, little man.

Oh, don't you lot look great! Hang on a minute! Is that...? It is!

The lamp out of the guest lounge!

-We're just borrowing it! I'm being creative!

-Charlie! No!

-No?

-NO!

OK, then what about using this upside down?

A brush?

No, you're right. Pathetic, isn't it?

A little man with a sparrow's heart.

The Grim Reaper without a scythe!

It's pathetic, no-one will give me anything! No-one will even...

I've just had a stroke of genius!

A wheelchair? What good is a wheelchair?

That's really good, Ben, the way you're acting so sad.

It's not an act! I am sad! I was going to be Tesla, the father of...

Hey! Your costume was not up to scratch

so you have to be the wheelchair guy!

The FAKE wheelchair guy!

And we said what Tuttle's doing was really bad. How is this different?

We're doing this to stop him! We're fighting against evil!

But don't you see? By fighting evil, we ourselves are becoming...

OK, people, this is it! We're going in!

What if someone recognises me?

My good family name dragged in the mud!

Who even talks like that?

-Oh!

-Trick or treat!

You're early. Lovely costumes!

And you're...a monk?

The Grim Reaper. I got my scythe took off me.

Oh. And you're...?

General George Smith Patton. At your service, ma'am.

Sweet!

And you're...?

An Olympic gold medallist. It was always his dream.

-Wasn't it, Jim?

-Mm.

And then his family went on holiday to Africa

and he got bitten by this thing like a mongoose, except bigger and he

caught this disease and ever since his legs have been like rubber.

Right, Jim?

But I'm on the mend.

You're such a brave boy.

Here!

You have to face the facts, Jim,

you are going to be in this wheelchair for years.

Oh, have the lot.

Thanks. You're ever so kind.

Feel the weight of that!

Outstanding!

I think this might be the worst thing we've ever done.

-What? You should be proud!

-Proud?!

Yeah, you made that lady feel really good about herself -

she helped a poor kid in a wheelchair.

Yeah, but I'm not a poor kid!

I'm a liar, a fraud, a despicable...

Ben! Save your energy, cos look!

It's going to be a long campaign.

Trick or treat!

Oooh! Come in. Oooh, I am frightened to death!

Look at you lot, you look fantastic.

My mum said we're not to take anything from you

if it came from a bargain store.

No, no, we've lovely things!

We've got Swiss chocolate... You stay there, I'll get you some.

-Where's all the stuff I bought?

-My stomach, it's in agony.

You've eaten the lot?!

What am I going to use for trick or treats?

First the pumpkin, then you feed me all the chocolate.

-It's like you're out to get me.

-Please! There must be something...

Bit of a problem with the chocolate.

There you go, help yourselves to a digestive.

My mum was right about you.

She said, "Don't bother with the Enrights."

Come on, let's go to a proper house.

Your mum is wrong! We are good people in this house!

Good people!

Tonnes! Literally tonnes of chocolate!

Supplies for the whole winter!

Cheer up, Ben. Here, have some chocolate.

I'll never eat chocolate again.

You've ruined it for me after what I've done today.

-Oi! What you doing out so early?

-Thought I'd get a head start.

I can't get anything good. Everyone banging on about him.

The brave boy in the wheelchair.

Hang on! I know you!

No...I am Jim. I live on...Bathurst Avenue.

Maybe you have seen me down there, right on the other side of town.

No, I saw you walking through the park the other week!

Picking up dried leaves, putting them into a book and making notes.

What're you doing? You can't pick on someone in a wheelchair!

He's pretending! You stole my idea!

You need to step away right now. Or I will hurt you.

I'll be seeing you, mate. Count on it.

Do you hear that? He'll be seeing me!

-Sounds very threatening.

-Relax, Ben. We've got your back.

Come on, can we go? We've made our point, had our fun.

-It is time to stop.

-We will. After we have done loads more houses.

Come on, guys, think about it!

Which is more important, our reputations,

the good names of our families, or a few bars of chocolate?

Good point, Ben.

BOTH: Chocolate!

Mum! There's some children dressed up as ghosts!

Ssh! They'll hear you!

-If they're not real why are you scared?

-Louie, be quiet!

-You mean they are real?

-Ssh!

-KNOCKING

-Enough of the hiding!

I'm not sneaking around my own house like a burglar.

Who cares if a few kids say the Enrights didn't give them anything?

I do. I do. I care. I always care. I am going to go to the shop.

No treats, but here's a trick.

And I will have a dozen of the mini-bars

and two dozen chocolate coins.

These are all high-quality stuff?

The best. But is good to be careful.

Last year, some man gave to my kids bad toffees.

-Then they have orange lumps.

-Hives, probably.

No, lumps. They had to go to hospital.

If I could find that man...

Oh, you have the old-fashioned fireworks. Look!

-You want?

-Nah. I don't really do fireworks anymore.

It's all about who has got the biggest. Pathetic, isn't it?

No-one buys. Not even Tupelov, the best fireworks in the whole world.

Tupelov?

Are they legal?

In many parts of Russia.

What kills me is the trust in their eyes as we lie and cheat and...

I'm parched. I know what'll cheer you up. We'll buy you a nice drink.

-Pineapple?

-I just want to go home.

-Yeah, we won't be a minute.

-Charlie! You can't just leave me here!

Charlie!

Lovely evening, isn't it? I'm just enjoying the fresh air.

I'm not lonely. I'm just waiting for my mates.

Hey, you!

Charlie!

I know you can walk!

Charlie! Charlie!

-Get back here!

-Charlie!

-I'm going to get you!

Stop chasing me!

Charlie! Tuttles!

-I'm going to get you.

-Charlie!

Help!

Help! Help!

Arghh! Help!

Help!

Are you all right?

Tom! Tom!

I'm fine! I'm fine!

Oh! Your wheelchair - it's badly damaged.

It's all right.

I've actually landed in quite a comfortable position so, er...

My friends will be along shortly.

Tom! This poor boy! Let's get him inside.

Er, no!

Just... Just lean me up against the wall.

My mum will find me, she always does.

Don't be silly!

Come on, Tom, I'm taking all the weight here!

All right, Reggie. We'll patrol the house till Halloween is over.

Make sure no witches or ghosts get in.

KNOCK ON DOOR

OK, maybe we'll just patrol upstairs.

There's someone there! I can see her!

Have a look, can you see? Can you see?

All right, let me see.

Who's this coming?

Ah, here he is!

-All right there, Kevin?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-Helen?

Hello!

You've caught me doing a bit of um...cleaning.

We did knock. Didn't you hear us?

I must have been so absorbed.

She loves cleaning, this one.

When she starts, she's like a dog with a little chewy treat!

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Kids, kids, come on in! Come on in!

Cleaning without cloths or mops. Just use your hand, do you?

Hey, look, sweets!

There you go! Kids, look at that!

Hannah in? She texted about her broken foot.

Yes, go through.

Hey, Hannah! Brought you some magazines.

Cheers.

Your foot!

I thought it would be in a cast.

It's not that kind of break.

Really? I thought a break always needed a cast.

To knit the bone.

I don't know, do I? I'm not a doctor!

I'm in agony, and everyone is just on and on at me!

Aren't you a bit old for trick-or-treating?

I'm going to Wendy Stokes's party.

Wendy Stokes is having a party?

Yeah, massive fancy dress.

Marquee, two bands, a proper DJ from Leeds...

Didn't she tell you?

Yeah, she did. I remember now.

Pity you can't go. It'll be awesome.

Yeah. This rotten foot...

-Oh! You hear that?

-What?

Something just clicked into place! It feels way better!

Maybe I can go to the party.

Why don't you have a little look at this?

Right. Yeah. That is er... Phew!

Summits at 5,000 feet.

Then four 16-ounce warheads simultaneously detonate.

Kaboom!

Very spectacular.

Yeah, fantastic. If anyone sees it.

Sorry?

People don't know you're doing fireworks. You haven't told them.

-Oh...

-Pity really, after all the money you've spent.

Guys! Let everyone know there's going to be a massive

fireworks display right here!

No, they're coming round to mine for Bonfire Night. It's a tradition.

Tonight! It's happening tonight.

What? You can't do that!

Fireworks are for Bonfire Night!

Well, the kids are out already, it's a nice little treat for them.

They'll still come to your little thing with the sparklers

and the jelly... Hopefully.

Comfy?

I'll call your mum. What's her number?

5...4...

I don't remember.

That's not a problem. What's her name and address?

Um... I don't remember.

I don't remember anything from before the crash.

Did you bang your head?

I don't remember.

What about your name?

Wait! Your friend - he called you Jim!

That sounds familiar.

He's not answering.

He's deserted. We'll have to abort.

What? And give up on a tonne of chocolate?

I don't think so! We need to find another wheelchair.

Hospital!

I don't think you should walk on a broken foot.

Toe! It's just a toe!

Shhh!

Dad! My toe, it sort of clicked back into place, didn't it, Jenny?

-Er...

-I think it's OK, I think I can go out now.

Hang on a minute.

Half an hour ago, it was, "Oh, the agony! Shoot me now!"

-I got better.

-You are not walking on that foot, end of story.

Walking! Of course not walking! I'll go in the wheelchair!

Jenny's going to push me. Aren't you, Jenny?

Yeah, sure.

Well, that sounds all right...

All right. Just for a little while.

I'll go and get your chair.

I've got this witch costume from last year.

It's actually pretty cool. This big wig and...

Er, the chair. It's gone.

Charlie!

Where's the wheelchairs? I could have been hit by a bus!

Or shot by a Glock nine millimetre.

Exactly. And no wheelchair! What kind of hospital has no wheelchairs?

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here to see my dad.

-Mr Shaw?

-Yeah.

He's expecting you. Come on.

Oh, no, we know the way.

We're just going to pop to the shop and get him a few things first.

You've got to come now. He's about to go down for his op.

You all right?

No.

Look, I know you're disappointed, but there'll be other parties.

And they're never as good as you think.

You imagine all sorts, don't you?

Your mates out there having the best night of their lives.

Them thinking it's only so good because you're not there,

maybe you're holding them back...

Maybe if they drop you completely their lives will be better.

Then you end up all alone, no mates,

like that woman who dances on the side of the Bridlington bypass,

with the things in her hair and the gums.

But you know, it's just tricks of the mind.

In all honesty, that will most probably...

not happen to you.

So... Yeah?

Yeah?

This lad, can you show me where he is?

He's in here. ..Oh!

Not used to your chair.

I overstretched a bit and took a... Took a tumble.

Well, it was a bit more of a rolling tumble...

All right, Jim. Right, we're going to lift you.

OK, on one, two, three!

Right, we need to get you some proper help.

Mr Shaw, someone here to see you.

All right, Dad?

Who's this?

It's the anaesthetic. Your dad's a little disorientated.

It's not the anaesthetic!

I've never seen these two before in my life!

It's me, your son! Henry!

What's going on?

Say goodbye to your dad.

-You've got me mixed up!

-Bye, Dad. Love you.

I don't want the operation! This is ridiculous.

See you on the other side. Hopefully.

You've got the wrong man!

Don't worry, he'll be fine.

No, stop!

It won't be dark for an hour. You can't expect us to wait!

Half an hour. It'll be dark enough then.

These kids are trick or treating.

If they don't go now, all the chocolate will be gone!

No, no! We're going to start the fireworks right now!

Daytime fireworks? Don't be ridiculous!

We're going to start with this one.

Ah-ha, me hearties!

A pirate! Brilliant!

It's not just a costume. I really do only have one leg.

My pup, Freddie, was attacked by this dolphin with rabies.

Fantastic!

If anyone asks where you got these very expensive sweets,

you say Brookville B&B.

OK, got that?

Brookville. B-R-O... Oh, look!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Kevin, do something!

It's fine. It's fine!

It's not fine! Just run! Run, run!

Take cover!

I think you've been really brave, Reggie...

Get out, witch! Get out!

Stop!

Run for your lives.

Take cover! Take cover!

Get out! Get out!

What are you doing?

Hannah!

Wooo! Yeah!

That was great, guys, wasn't it?

Yeah!

Right. Come on, we're going. It's not safe here.

Come on. Surprised at you, surprised, Kevin.

Firework like that - it needs proper anchoring.

Just a slight miscalculation. Don't go!

Do you want to give me five minutes before I put the rockets on, or...?

No. Yeah...

He'll wake up perfect. This'll be like a dream.

But Dad! He didn't even know who I was.

Don't worry, love.

Maybe I just need a rest.

-Maybe I could just sit in that wheelchair for a minute.

-Of course.

Maybe you could leave me outside for a bit, in the fresh air...

Good idea.

Don't worry, Jim, top class team here.

They'll find out exactly what's wrong with you.

No man left behind.

A wheelchair! I need a wheelchair!

My leg! Watch my leg!

What's happening now?

Charlie, are you all right?

He's fine. He's just a bit upset about his dad's operation.

Charlie?

Charlie!

How can this be right? Cleaning up after the council bonfire!

And for what? For being creative with my Halloween costume!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!