Episode 1 All Over the Place

To find out why I'm in the sheep pen

trying to shave the wool off one of these, keep watching. Come here!

Ed giving a sheep a haircut?! Baaaaaa!

'Wool', let's see what we've knitted together for you in today's show.

-There is Ian and his new pal...

-Mine won't even look me in the eye.

Naomi,

-Cel...

-Waaaaaaaah!

-A very cheery Katie...

-What are you doing here, you old galah?

Johnny,

Michelle and a sleepy Sam and Mark.

I don't know about you,

but this koala needs a good 20 hours a day or I'm good for nothing.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do down under that is totally ace

# And it turns up...

# ..all over the place! #

The first stop today is Brisbane in Queensland,

which is the third-largest city in Australia.

-No, never going to happen.

-Come on.

-Not in a million years, mate.

Just a little one. I won't tell anyone and there's no-one around.

Tell you what, if you tell no-one about this, on you go.

Great. Come to Eddie Bear.

Ed, have you been eating stilton?

-No.

-Want to tell me what's happening here?

All will be revealed. All will be revealed.

Want to reveal it in the next

few seconds? Cos this is getting pretty awkward.

Look, we're just two friends hugging it out, spreading the love.

Voiceover man, help me out, it stinks of cheese in here.

Don't panic, Ian, Ed is just practising for koala hugs

at this sanctuary in Brisbane, which was the first in the world

and is also the largest. Over 130 cute koalas are cared for here

and I bet they like nothing more than a soppy cuddle.

So you've definitely come to the right place, Ed.

-Hello, Karen.

-Hello. How are you?

-Who is this?

-Gandalf.

-Wow!

-Like the wizard.

-He is a bit of a wizard.

He's even more chilled out than Gandalf.

They spend between 18 and 20 hours a day fast asleep.

-Wha?!

-That is most of the time.

-That is most of the time.

What they do when they're awake?

-Rest of the time is mainly spent eating.

-They just eat this stuff?

-Just eucalyptus leaves.

-That's all they eat?

-That's all.

I have not heard many people say "koala bear" since I've been here.

No, they're not bears, they're marsupials.

Yeah, he didn't like that, did he?

Gandalf has put a curse on me.

We weigh them once every two weeks to make sure

they are maintaining a healthy weight like Gandalf.

Then when they're babies,

we're making sure they are growing at a healthy rate.

-How much does he weigh, then?

-Let's have a look.

-Watch him now spring into action.

-Spring into action.

That's the most he has done all day.

He is actually over seven kilos.

For Gandalf, that is his normal weight

so he is maintaining a really healthy weight.

So Gandalf the guzzler weighs...

That's a juicy fact.

What we are fishing for, Karen, is can we hug one?

-Well...

-I've been practising, look.

Get off of me. He's been in the sun too long.

I think we can arrange a little cuddle for you guys from a koala.

-That'll be great.

-Well, boys, you may have a long wait on your hands.

They'll be fast asleep. Ssssh.

Baby koalas, or joeys, as they are known, stay

in their mothers' pouches for around six months and drink only milk.

-After that they ride around on their mums' backs.

-Hello.

This little girl that you are holding is Coco.

Hello, Coco.

Over there we have Beck.

-Look at this, look.

-There we go.

-Aw.

Mine won't even look me in the eye.

Isn't this one of the cutest things that's ever happened to you?

I don't think mine likes me very much. Hello?

Again, I say this all the time, but only on this TV show.

I'm sat cuddling a koala.

Which is completely ignoring you.

What an intelligent creature.

These people do a great job giving these koalas constant care

-and attention.

-Yeah. Glad the role is not reversed.

I'm not sure I want a koala looking after me.

Funny you should say that, Ed!

Right, nurse, what have we got here?

Adult human, probably male, picked up an injury

while marking its territory.

My goodness, he's wiped his scent gland clean off.

Call for the plastic surgeon.

No, Doctor, they don't have scent glands.

They mark their territory with fences.

-He fell off a ladder while putting one up.

-Huh!

Why don't they just use the sticky gland on their chest like we do,

this is the 21st century.

I know, Doctor, they are very dumb creatures.

But they do look cute while sleeping.

Actually, they don't do it very often.

Humans average about eight hours per day.

The poor little mite must be exhausted.

I don't know about you, nurse,

but this koala needs a good 20 hours a day or I am good for nothing.

SNORING

Nurse!

Sorry, Doctor. Must've dozed off there.

-What were you saying?

-SNORING

Doctor!

Sorry about that, I must have dozed off. Right, what was it?

-Straightforward neutering?

-No, he fell off a fence.

-Of course.

Must've been a nasty fall as well, look at this,

he seems to have lost a thumb off each hand.

-No, humans only have one thumb on each hand.

-No wonder he fell off.

Climbing those eucalyptus trees to get food must be an absolute

nightmare without two thumbs on each hand.

No, Doctor, humans don't eat eucalyptus.

They have a varied diet of meat and vegetation, which in theory means

they have more energy than us, but I don't see it, do you, Doctor?

SNORING

Doctor! Doctor!

Sorry about that nurse, must have dozed off. Back to this neutering.

-Fall!

-Right. Where's my stethoscope?

It's here... Oh...

For goodness sake, that pouch is for babies, not equipment.

Yes, sorry, Doctor. It is a bit more mucus-ey than I remember.

Nurse, no time for that, look, he's coming around.

Just lie back, my friend, you may have concussion.

No, I'm fine, where am I?

You are being looked after by two highly trained koalas

-in medical uniforms.

-You're right, I have got concussion.

This man really does need our help.

Nurse, there is not a moment to lose.

Nurse!

Don't worry, little fellow,

I'll have you back to good health in no time -

even if I have to work through the...

SNORING

Ed? What are you up to?

Hi, Naomi, just hanging loose, checking out these gnarly waves.

-That guy's ripping it up.

-He is pretty good, I guess.

I didn't realise you were a surfer.

Just one of the many talents I keep hidden under my surf singlet.

Just wax up my board and I'm good to go.

I don't think you have to wax up a body board.

You need a real surfboard and maybe one that's not hot pink.

Just a suggestion.

Thank you for your suggestion, but I'm going to go out there

-and show these grannies who is boss.

-What's a granny?

-It's a young surfer.

-No, that's a grommy.

-You need to get down with the surf lingo.

Eat my surf, grannies, and eat it good!

Actually, Ed, Naomi was right. A young surfer is called a grommy.

A surfer's collection of surfboards is called a quiver,

which is a useful fact to know because...

Gavin, I know this probably isn't obvious

-but I haven't actually spent a lot of time surfing.

-Really?

What should I be looking for with a board?

Are you looking to look cool or do you actually want to surf?

-I just want to look cool.

-There's plenty to choose from.

This is about a quarter of my collection, so just have a look

and see what you like.

Surfing comes from Hawaii and was first popular with fishermen

who wanted to go back to shore quickly.

Love the colours on this one, bit of pink for the girls.

Could be the case, but that board was actually shaped by a guy called

Michael Peterson, who's possibly the most iconic Australian surfer ever.

If you guys want to master surfing,

you are going to need to learn some of the lingo.

Gavin, I think you need to look after your collection better

because this one is covered in bird poo.

-That's actually wax you use on a surfboard.

-Oh, right, yes.

I was using some of that earlier.

-Yeah, yeah.

-What's it for again?

-Just to help you stay on the board, stops you slipping.

-That's right.

-That's a conventional way of using this.

-Yeah.

Is it possible there is anyone on the planet who knows

less about surfing than Ed?

Let's find out.

Hello and welcome to the most fantastic and amazing and amazingly

fantastic game show about surfing in the history of the world ever -

All Over The Place Wipeout.

-Now, you may look like a weak and feeble person...

-Oi!

..but you need to toughen up because this game is about surfing prowess.

There's one rule.

I'll ask you three questions,

you must paddle on the surfboard at all times, and you must stay still.

That's three rules.

How am I supposed to paddle and stay still?

Sssshh!

Start paddling.

The first written account of surfing

was given by Captain James Cook when?

A) last week,

B) 1778

or C) 1779?

1779.

That's way out - it was B) 1778.

Next question, keep paddling. Stay still.

A surfer who leads with his right foot is called A) Goofy footed,

B) Mickey Mouse footed or

C) Right footed?

-Goofy footed.

-Is correct.

What's the score, Gavin?

One!

The first official surfing contest took place where?

A) Gavin's backyard. Been there, it's lovely!

B) California or

C) Sunny Scotland?

California.

Is correct. Well done, Naomi.

You've won...

this wax. You've won some wax.

Now go and wax up those surfboards.

Wax them!

Now the biggest rock star in Australia!

Are you ready to rock? Aaaaaaaaaah!

Let me guess.

Voiceover man said we are going to see the biggest rock star

-in Australia, so you came dressed for the occasion, Ed?

-Yes. I did.

I can't believe you didn't.

The biggest rock star is going to think you're a right loser.

Ah, so you don't think when he said biggest "rock" star

he meant that over there, do you?

Oh dear. You could have been a bit more specific!

But then you wouldn't have worn the sunglasses and a wig

and looked really silly.

So, this was called Ayers Rock by the first European to see it in 1873

but its actual name is Uluru.

It's what the aboriginal people

who have lived here for at least 10,000 years call it.

Uluru is a very sacred place to these traditional owners

of the rock and they have their own beliefs on how it was created...

It is part of an old seabed.

This area used to be under water.

Ed and Johnny, you have 40 seconds

to find out as much as you can about Uluru.

Johnny, you have Vanessa, who is a park ranger here.

Ed, you have John, who knows all about Uluru.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner. 3-2-1, go!

-What are the traditional owners of Uluru called?

-Anangu.

-Why is it red?

-It's red because

the sandstone has weathered and it has oxidised or rusted.

Why is Uluru important to the Anangu?

It's because the essence of their ancestors is recorded there.

Does it ever change colour?

Yes, in the mornings it's pinky purple,

throughout the day it's brown and at sunset it's a deep red.

-So are these stories?

-They are stories, legends, songs.

-Songs? OK.

What kind of songs, like this? # Uluru, it's a lovely rock. #

Mmmm, not those kind of songs.

Not those kind of songs, OK.

What time will sunset be today, because I want to see it?

-Sunset is about 6:26pm.

-6:26, I'll...

HOOTER BLOWS

-Oh!

-Sorry.

-I think we did well. I think we will beat them.

Put it there. Yes.

The winner is...

Ed!

-Yes!

-Pipped by the Petrie again!

-I rock!

Actually, Ed, the person who really rocks at Uluru is Sammy.

He's one of the Anangu -

the traditional owners of Uluru and Sammy is going

to show you both some aboriginal hunting skills, using spears.

Look at that. That looks lethal.

It can take a whole day to make one spear.

A good reason to know how to throw them properly -

you don't want to lose it.

Sammy, I think it would be a good idea to keep this away from us.

The Anangu use spears like this to hunt for food.

Ed and Johnny are only getting to try the training spears,

just as well.

Say your prayers, rabbit.

That bush is dead now.

Ooh! Stay away from my carrots, rabbit.

Away!

Oh!

Quite a good distance.

Spears and pointy sticks are very dangerous, so never try throwing

anything like this unless in the safe hands of someone like Sammy.

That's like a bullet, that's incredible.

Did you see where it landed? Beyond that tree.

I thought he threw it over Uluru, basically.

Because Uluru is so sacred, visitors here are asked not to

climb it and there are only certain parts of the rock we can film

but that's OK, it looks absolutely amazing from far away and lots of

people want to get a beautiful shot like this,

especially at sunset.

So glad I brought my camera.

The last five minutes before sunset is the best, apparently,

wouldn't want to miss that.

Looks like we've got company.

-Brian!

-Gooba!

-What are you doing here, you old galah?!

-Trying to take a picture of the Uluru sunset.

-Same here.

Take a quick pic and get it on FaceFace, hashtag hashtag.

-Watch it get likes up the wazoo, know what I mean?

-I genuinely don't.

If what you are trying to say is you to intend to take

a picture of Uluru, I would request that you do so away from me.

How come?

Maybe something to do with the Aussie Rules football grand final.

I'm there with the best view in the house, ball crosses the line,

-I've got my camera poised and who turns up?

-Yeah, I was there.

-Gave you a little help with your composition.

-You photo bombed it.

Ha-ha!

A cast iron classic from the Goobmeister.

Come on, don't be such a sourpuss, you must have loads of great snaps.

Yes, who can forget the Great Barrier Reef?

The world's largest living organism

and I've got a sea snake, a dolphin and turtle all in the same short.

You paint quite a picture there,

Brian, it almost feels like I was there.

You were there!

Ha! Of course, yeah. Underwater photobomberama from the Goobatron.

Luckily, I've recently invested in a piece of equipment which

should keep my lens free from unwanted distraction. There we are.

Best investment I ever made.

Should have done this years ago.

Just in the nick of time for the perfect photo of...

For crying out loud! You've got to be joking!

Here we are on the island of Tasmania in the town of Wilmot,

where local residents have gone to extraordinary lengths

to brighten up the town.

As have we, because as you can tell, for today's song, I am will.i.am.

No, no. I am will.i.am.

-No, I am will.i.am.

-I am will.i.am.

-I am.

-No, I am will.i.am. I am.

-Well, I am will.i.am.

-Well, I am will.i.am!

-I am!

I am! OK, all right.

We am will.i.am.

I mean... We are will.i.are.am.

No, I am. No, we are.

Let's just do the song.

# Here's a story I've got

# The residents of Wilmot

# Here in Tasmania

# Had a cool idea

# They'd seen it first in Queensland so together they planned

# To brighten up the roadside

# Please let me be your guide

# They took a simple mailbox

# Clearly pulled out the stops

# And so began to start

# Turning them into art

# The first box to appear was Man And Dog right here

# In 2007

# Now there's 60 of them

# Oh oh oh

# If you like mail, you like mail, you like mail

# Then oh oh oh

# You can follow the letterbox trail

# And every one's a different style

# Makes you smile

# This place, it rocks

# Check the postbox

# Check out the postbox

# Here's a pretty neat one A mailbox with some boots on

# This Friesian cow is charming

# As is this Penny Farthing

# This one is more my bag, man A jolly metal swag man

# We have made from an old drum

# This pig is pretty random

# A mailbox as a chainsaw - you'll not have seen that before

# Tell me what's not to like about this cool motorbike

# Here's one I got to show ya - it's a real lawnmower

# In Goodlands Road you will find nine mailboxes in a line

# Oh oh oh

# Side-by-side, side-by-side, side-by-side

# But oh oh oh

# What's inside? What's inside? What's inside?

# Probably some letters, air mail, parcels, junk mail

# The postman unlocks and fills up the postbox

# Fills up the postbox

# On the postbox of number 2730

# A model Tazzie tiger stands guard

# Some believe this extinct beast still roams free

# Finding one has proved pretty hard

# And oh oh oh

# It is not just mailboxes on view

# Cos oh oh oh

# They've painted the telegraph poles too

# So if you're ever near Wilmot I'd say

# Why not

# Take a short stop

# Check the postbox. #

Ed, I don't know what it is with this Australian heat,

but it's playing havoc with my hair.

It's got more volume, it's a lot bigger. How are you finding it?

I'm finding it all right.

Whooooa!

Well, maybe it is a bit longer than usual.

Ed, I think you need a haircut.

I know a right good baaaa-rber.

He'll give you a right good baaaa-rgain.

Come on.

Actually, there are around 20 world-class barbers here, Cel,

as they're all competitors in the Mullewa Quickshears

sheep shearing competition.

The show has been taking place for 80 years

and sees world champion male and female shearers

battling it out for the title.

Sheep need a haircut at least once a year.

There are around 50 ewes here today

just queueing up for their annual day out at the salon.

We're going to be shearing sheep in the shearing competition

so I think we should meet the sheep.

Right you are.

I need to beat Cel today in the competition.

Do you fancy a free haircut?

Baaaaa!

-Free haircut?

-Baaaa!

Suit yourself.

I know you're all looking a little bit sheepish,

but I am a trained stylist.

You'll definitely suit short on the sides and heavy on the top,

that's definitely you.

For you, I'd probably go for a nice little number two

all over, if you like that? You feeling that, guys?

I think they're feeling like ignoring you, Cel.

Maybe you'll have more luck with the other farm animals

in the petting zoo.

I know I am a fully grown man, but this is awesome.

Hiya, what's this?

Shouldn't you be learning about sheep shearing instead, Ed?

That's a cow!

-Would you like feeding?

-And that's a boy!

Sorry, I got confused.

Wow, the alpaca, one of the most pointless animals in the world.

Look who's talking.

You seem at one with the animals,

-have you ever done any sheep shearing?

-Yeah.

-We've just watched our dads.

-Right, OK. What top tips have you got?

-Erm... Don't cut the sheep.

-Don't cut the sheep.

Yeah, don't want angry sheep on my hands.

For the shearing, do you have any techniques?

-What kind of motion am I going for?

-Um...

I think it's more like...

We're going for that.

-Yes, going down on the sheep's sides.

-OK.

-Down on the sheep's sides then up the front and onto the back.

-Yeah.

-OK.

I still don't think they've got a clue.

Time to meet a champion sheep shearer.

Greg has been shearing sheep for over 27 years

and he organises the event.

He can shear a sheep in just 42 seconds, so listen up.

Here. Lean forward, let that leg down so the sheep's relaxed.

You'll do your first blow there and as you do that,

you move back a little like that.

You're doing four blows max.

-This is so much more confusing than I thought.

-Yes, it is.

As you go down here, you'll pull the skin up a little bit

-and go around like that.

-You just taking it off in strips?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-You're not trying to get off the whole thing in one piece?

-No.

-How long does it take you to shear a sheep?

-42 seconds.

-How long will it take us?

-Ohhh.

-Anything from 10 to 15 minutes, mate.

-15 minutes.

-Wow!

Some people just naturally pick it up.

Well, my gran's Welsh, and the Welsh know what they're doing with sheep

-so maybe it's in the genes.

-There you go.

It could be. You never know.

Well, the boys are ready and the girls are ready.

The Quickshears competition crowns the person who can shear the entire

fleece of a sheep in the fastest time

but there are three judges who check the haircut.

Any messy patches or cuts and they get a red light from the judge.

Two red lights and they are disqualified

so it is a bit like Britain's Got Talent but with sheep.

I'm not ready for this.

Surely this isn't humanly possible what they're doing.

The speed they're going at is just like a constant vrooom!

-Vroom! Vroom!

-How many sheep do you have to shear to get that good?

Well, Ed, shearers can shear up to 400 sheep each day - so a lot.

Ed and Cel will first have to master the hand piece and comb,

shearing as close to the skin as possible without leaving a mark.

Next they must shear in long strips

while turning the sheep continuously between their feet.

The world record is held by an Aussie and stands at 39.31 seconds.

Ed and Cel have never sheared a sheep before, so -

good luck, boys!

This could be a contender for toughest All Over The Place

-challenge ever.

-This is my toughest All Over The Place challenge.

It's my toughest TV experience ever.

I really want to cry and be sick.

All Over The Place Australia

presents the toughest challenge ever!

But who will emerge victorious?

I'm about to go on.

Starting to wish I'd paid a bit more attention in Greg's sheep

shearing lesson and a bit less time in the petting zoo.

The crowd awaits. Ed looks nervous. 3-2-1, shear!

A confident start by Ed, who chooses to go for the leg first?!

LAUGHTER

Beautiful!

Now a long blow along the back.

Any shampoo you'd like to buy afterwards, conditioner?

Stop cracking jokes and watch what you're doing, Ed.

Nice finish.

Ed is clearly going for quality over speed here. Yawn!

Finally he's on the last leg.

If my hairdresser treated me like this, I'd get really angry.

-That's him.

-Are we done?

-You're done.

-Oh!

Good on yer, mate.

There you go, you'd better take her.

Thank you!

Three green lights from the judges. Top marks, Mr Petrie.

You do know the competition is fastest sheep shearer.

I was aware of that, yes.

I decided to forego the whole speed thing

and just concentrate on a really nice finish.

Cel is looking confident,

but can he beat Ed's time and get three green lights?

And he's off.

Looks like Cel's choosing speed over quality by the looks of that

haircut. Ohhh! 'Sheer' determination from this young man.

Cel is flying now onto the back.

The rain's going to go soon enough, pal.

Oops, I think he's nicked the sheep a tiny bit there.

That could be costly.

Oh! This one's a close shave. Get it? Close shave?!

And he's done. Whew!

APPLAUSE

Let him go through your legs.

Cel has beaten Ed by an impressive 23 seconds

but he needs three green lights to win.

One.

Two.

And... Oh! It's a red light for that little scratch!

Well done, you blokes. You both did very well,

it was very hard going to get into.

-You realise how hard it is now?

-Yeah.

-The Welsh blood came top. You done well.

-Wow! Thank you.

Straight to the skin, mate.

Ah! Not baaaad!

You've been watching All Over The Place Australia!