Episode 2 All Over the Place

If you want to know why I'm in the middle of the Outback,

trying to relieve myself on the most portable toilet ever, keep watching.

Glad we don't have smelly-vision, folks!

OK, who's joining Ed today for a few LAVS?!

Sorry, laughs. Naomi...

So, let's...do-do this!

..Michelle...

Ian's sitting on a tractor...

I've got nothing to add, then.

..Johnny - or is that Jedward?

-Susan wearing...

-A hat.

Yeah, thanks, I did notice. And Cel!

This way.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

First up we're visiting the little town of Katoomba, which is

in the state of New South Wales.

That place is twice the size of Britain

but has a population less than London.

Now, Ed, I know you've been feeling a bit blue,

but I've got a surprise which I know will cheer you up. Guess what it is.

Is it a collection of dolls in traditional Australian dress?

Er, no, keep guessing.

Is Richard Wisker replacing you as presenter today?

-No.

-You know what? I just love surprises.

I just know that, whatever it is, I'll be absolutely over the moon.

As long as it's nothing to do with heights.

-Well, er...you might just want to keep your eyes closed, then.

-Eh?

Why?

Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhh...

Ed's screams have just shattered the peace

in the majestic Blue Mountains,

where he's currently dangling above a 270-metre gorge.

The forest below is covered in special trees called Eucalyptus.

The leaves drip oil into the air

and from far, far away it looks all bluey.

See? Told you so.

Ed and Cel, you have 53 seconds to find out

as much as you can about the Blue Mountains.

Cel, you have Andy, a tour guide in a red hat.

Ed, you have Wayne from the Waradah Aboriginal Centre, in body paint.

Three, two, one, go!

How long have Aboriginals lived in the Blue Mountains?

Ah, for, for...the beginning of time.

If I stand in the Blue Mountains with a red shirt

-will I turn purple?

-You will not.

-Why are they called the Blue Mountains?

-Because they're blue!

-How big are the Blue Mountains?

-10,300 square kilometres.

-Which aboriginal groups live here?

-The Gundungurra and Darug people...

-How many people come here a year?

-Just under 1 million people.

-What are those rocks over there called?

-The Three Sisters.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-Andy, fast answers there,

-and articulate.

-Nice!

-Boom! We're a team.

-How do you think that went, Wayne?

-I reckon we went pretty good, mate.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

And the winner is...

Ed.

-Ahhh.

-Yes! Ahh, yeah! Woo-hoo! Waaaay!

-Woo-hoo-hoo!

-Ed, OK.

-Yee-hee-hee-hee!

-Ed, Ed!

Stop gloating. We've got a train to catch.

How are we going to catch a train? We're on top of a cliff.

What's that, then?

This is the steepest passenger railway in the world,

plunging down at a 52-degree angle into the valley below.

That's like going down the side of the Great Pyramid in ancient Egypt.

Let's see how long it takes before Ed realises what he's let

-himself in for. All aboard!

-G'day, folks.

Welcome aboard the world's steepest railway.

-Did he say the world's steepest railway?

-No, the world's greatest.

Oh, right, OK. Yeah, that would be a bit weird, wouldn't it?

I know, imagine if he said world's steepest.

Side of a mountain,

just been told it's the world's steepest and still clueless.

Sorry, is this a rollercoaster or train?

I think he's about to work it out.

Aaaarrgghh!

He did say world's steepest!

Yeah, there's no fooling our Ed!

-This is amazing.

-Yeah, brilliant(!)

This is what this journey was for - this view, right here, right now.

That's the edge of a cliff there, so stop. Stop.

Please stop. Still hasn't stopped.

Lovely. There you go.

-This is nice, isn't it?

-Right, get out. I want to get out!

I was just playing it up for the camera, you know.

The Blue Mountains also have an incredible 22.4 kilometres

of wooden path through the forest,

perfect for spotting some amazing birds.

Unless, of course, you're Ed and Cel.

Right, Cel, apparently the bird life here in the Blue Mountains

is exquisite, so we're going to do a little bit of twitching!

Bird-watching to the uninitiated.

Basically, I'm trying to get a job on Springwatch.

Well, a fact you probably didn't know about me, Ed -

I'm a pro birdwatcher, so we'll get you on Springwatch in no time.

Ah, great.

This way.

In the Blue Mountains you might be lucky enough to spot

the sulphur-crested cockatoo or the laughing kookaburra,

whose call sounds like he's laughing.

Ed, there's a bird.

-An actual bird!

-We've found one!

Shhh, shhh. What is it, Ed?

I saw it in here. It's in here somewhere.

I'll help you out, boys. It's the pied currawong.

Just what I was going to say, actually.

I've actually spotted a bird.

You literally took the words out of my mouth.

Are you watching, Springwatch? Did you see that?

The most famous feathered resident is the superb lyrebird,

famous for being able to imitate the sounds that it hears.

SOUND OF CAMERA CLICKING AND WHIRRING

Is that a camera? Are there paps trying to take a photo of me?

SOUND OF CAR ALARM

Ed, are you sure you locked the car door?

Because that sounds like our alarm.

SOUND OF CHAINSAW

Hang on, someone's trying to cut down some eucalyptus trees.

Quick, let's get out of here before they fall on us!

LYRE BIRD CHORTLES

Fooled the tourists again!

"Yawns to show off teeth."

HE YAWNS

Check. "Can produce a pungent odour when agitated."

FLIES BUZZING

-Definitely check.

-Oi! Who do you think you are?

-"Bad tempered." Check.

-What are you doing?

Well, I'm just realising that you've been pretending to be a male

TV presenter from Rustington

and in actual fact you're a Tasmanian devil.

You've been showing all the classic signs. I knew it all along.

Oh, right. You won't be surprised when I do this, then.

HE GIBBERS AND BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Now my cartoon alter ego has been revealed,

time to meet the real Tasmanian devils.

HE GIBBERS AND BLOWS RASPBERRY

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

-..to you too, Petrie.

You will have a devil of a time trying

to find a real one like these because they're endangered.

In fact, you won't find any in the wild on mainland Australia.

You'll only find them here, on the island of Tasmania.

Luckily for us, 25 of them live in this sanctuary.

And they're a lot cuter than the cartoon version,

but not quite as fast.

Wade, how the DEVIL are you?

I'm very well, how are you guys?

Good. Come to look at the Tasmanian devils.

They seem pretty calm, though.

Normally I would think they'd be frothing at the mouth,

spluttering, spinning on the spot.

-I'm guessing that's just the cartoons, though.

-That's right.

I mean, these guys have a reputation, there's no doubt about that,

but in fact Tasmanian devils are one of the shyest creatures you'll meet.

-Really?

-So why did they get lumbered with the name devil?

This goes back to the early European settlement days here in Tasmania.

The devil would have come around camp looking for food

and as it opens its mouth this horrendous sound comes out.

SCREECHING

So they would have heard this animal well before they saw it

and given it the name the devil.

They must have felt silly when they finally saw one and were like,

-"Oh, that's what I've been scared of all these years."

-I imagine so!

Tasmanian devils can make up to 13 different sounds,

ranging from a soft, subtle grunt

to a high-pitched screeeeeeeeeaaaam.

This is a male devil called Aussie.

Aussie's a three-year-old animal.

This little guy won't bite.

Aussie, you're handsome devil, aren't you?

Tasmanian devils are nocturnal animals, which means

they like to sleep during the day and search for food at night.

Their ears are really cute, as well. They're, like, red, aren't they?

They are. Their ears are quite thin and transparent

but when they get excited they get a bit of a blood rush

to their ears and they actually glow red.

-Even looking like a devil in fact.

-Can we see them being fed?

Absolutely. I've got some devils just up here to feed, so let's go.

Tasmanian devils are meat eaters and they have a really strong bite,

so let's leave Wade to feed them, shall we?

Whoa, look at them go for it!

So they obviously like eating meat.

The devils are renowned for eating just about anything that moves,

anything from an insect right through to a wombat.

And, Wade, how do you tell the difference between them?

You'll notice the white markings on these devils

and the white markings are unique to the individual,

so it's almost like a fingerprint for these animals.

Do they ever stop eating?

Well, they'll eat as much as you can serve up to them.

As you can see, they really enjoy their food,

and once they've finished gorge feeding

they'll look like they've swallowed the basketball.

Surprised they haven't actually swallowed your hat, Wade.

It looks delicious.

Another All Over The Place first.

I never thought I'd be saying, "I have stroked a Tasmanian devil."

I know, and I just love their shiny black fur,

the way the white markings are across their coats.

I mean, they're bang on trend.

Yes, and each coat is individual, as well.

They are the fashion gurus of the animal kingdom.

PHONE RINGS

-HE SCREECHES

-..Magazine.

Oh, hang on, I'll call you back. The human intern's here.

Hi. You wanted to see me about next season's autumn/winter issue.

Yes, well, make it snappy.

I'm nocturnal, I'm supposed to be asleep right now.

I've had loads of ideas

for things that will appeal to your Tasmanian devil readers.

I was thinking, why don't we do a front-page feature on...

coats? Yeah?

But we could make it, like, a little bit more cheery...

like this.

Mm. You do realise our readers are Tasmanian devils?

They've got great eyesight, so they'll see that that looks rubbish.

OK, I totally thought you might say that, so why don't we go more sleek?

You know, a cool, bang-on-trend...

white coat. Yeah?

When I'm feasting on beetle larvae and carrion,

-that's going to get filthy.

-OK, we could just change the colour.

And say I've finished eating all the beetle larvae

and my tail has swollen to store fat?

How am I going to fit into that? It's tiny!

We could just go...bigger then, yeah?

Oh, yes, yes, that's really going to work

when I'm trying to hide in a hollow log.

But you must appreciate, like, the extra pockets to put things in.

-We're marsupials - we already have a pouch.

-Okey-dokey.

Tell you what, how about...

a hat?

Hats?! Are you serious?! With our square-ish heads?!

Do you know anything about Tasmanian devils?!

SHE GAGS

I know you make that smell when you get upset, so, you know what?

I just give up.

I give up!

That's it! That's the look for the new front page!

-But that's just your usual black coat with white markings.

-I know!

I know, and that's what we'll all be wearing next season, darling!

-Oh, well done! Mwah! Mwah!

-SHE GAGS

-Er, Ed?

-Yeah?

-You know you said we're visiting a huge tractor collection?

-Yes.

-I thought you meant the tractors were huge.

I'm squinting my eyes to see them.

No, no, I meant it's a huge collection.

Although the tractors are pretty big as well.

Ha! What are you talking about?

You need your eyes tested, they're teeny-tiny.

I wanted to ride one, not trip over it.

Have I honestly got to go through this again with you?

Look, this tractor is small.

Those ones are far away.

Don't be silly, mate.

"Oh, this one is small, but this one is far away..."

When you're driving in one of these,

do you like to see a big queue of cars behind you?

Well, if someone's giving me the peep and wants to get past,

-I'll keep him there bit longer.

-I knew it!

-I knew it!

I knew farmers do this!

Every time I'm behind a tractor, I'm like, "This guy's loving this,

"he's absolutely loving it!"

And you can't mess with this tractor,

-that wheel's the same size as my actual car.

-Exactly.

Bill's a self-taught mechanic

who loves repairing and collecting tractors.

So much so that he has to keep his huge collection

in five massive sheds.

He even travelled 3,000 kilometres to buy one.

This is the weirdest looking tractor I've ever seen.

What's going on here?

It's been fitted with what they call the louver cab.

It looks a bit draughty - is that cos farmers eat a lot of beans?

It it's cold you shut the louvers.

If you do a trump you open it again. Boom!

Stinker. Oh, and speaking of really noisy things full of hot air...

Your tractor fest starts right here, because this is X Tractor.

And I'm joined by our finalist, Iain, all the way from Edinburgh.

Iain - what would winning the final of X Tractor mean to you?

To win The X Tractor would mean everything to me...

Can I just stop you there?

If you're going to say something about having given 110%

and how this has been a roller coaster ride of emotions,

I don't care and, frankly, I don't think the audience do either.

-I've got nothing to add, then.

-Good.

Are you ready for question one?

-My whole life has been a build-up to...

-Just say yes.

-Yes.

Iain - many years ago farming equipment

used to be pulled by horses.

If you don't know what horses are, they're like rubbish cars.

But then tractors took over.

But what first powered these tractors?

Was it a) Coffee, b) Steam,

or c) Sweat, men's sweat.

Whatever happens I just want everyone at home to know that...

-Just answer the question.

-b) Steam.

Is correct, it was steam! Well done, Iain.

Oh, and the comments are in from our imaginary judges,

and they say that you really made that question your own, that's nice.

I've been working very hard on it.

Question two. True or false?

The longest journey ever driven in a tractor is 13,172 miles.

I just like to say that, regardless of what happens...

-Oh, for the love of...

-True.

Is correct!

And there's an interesting fact, actually. The tractor...

Was driven by a Russian guy, it took him just under 15 weeks to travel

the 13,172 miles -

that's the same length as 12,847,279 Nicole Scherzingers.

She's absolutely shamazing.

Yeah, all right. Show off.

Oh, and the judges' comments are in.

Simon Trowel says you look like a tractor and sound like a tractor,

I guess that's a compliment.

This is it, Iain. You're one step away from X Tractor glory.

Here we go. Tension is mounting.

Question three.

The largest ever parade of tractors took place in Canada in 2002.

How many tractors were there?

-I'd just like to thank everyone...

-Aagh!

-It really does mean the world to me...

-Aaagh!

1,231.

OK, that's...just being verified.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

And it's correct!

You've won X Tractor, Iain! You've done it.

Join me next week when I'll be hosting I'm A Well-Known

Heavy Goods Vehicle, Get Me Out Of Here. Goodbye!

(This is dry clean only.)

Oh, he's so emotional.

Congratulations, Iain, you've won this -

a chance to drive a tractor.

Oh, it's loud. It's loud. Here we go.

It's loud. And he's off...eventually.

-Got it in gear, mate?

-Here we go.

-Uh-huh.

-So you keep saying, it's getting dark.

-I'm off.

-Come on.

-Move away.

-See you later!

-Yeah...

-Eyes to the front.

-Woooo!

Well, Johny, here we are at Mount Isa in Western Queensland.

You all ready to scale the heights?

Yep, I think so - have we got everything we need?

-Let's see. Climbing rope?

-Check.

-Crampons?

-Check.

-Ridiculous costumes?

-Check.

Mountain...?

Well, we've definitely got the Isa but I can't locate the Mount bit.

Well, I'm sure we'll come across it. I mean, you can't miss a mountain.

# Mount Isa baby

# Here somewhere maybe

# Stop - welcome to Isa,

# Size of this place, gonna surprise ya

# 40,000 kilometres square

# That's like from here to way over there

# A massive area, yes, it's true

# But mostly inhabited by cow and kangaroo

# It barely rains, sun's always shining

# But it's really famous for its mineral mining

# Stop - check out the action

# Hard time's my number one attraction

# Travel underground in a deep mine shaft

# See what it's like to do a hard day's graft

# John Campbell Miles was the first to realise

# The area was heavily mineralised

# To stand here, you wouldn't really think

# Beneath your feet is copper, silver, lead and zinc

# Isa Isa baby

# Still no sign of the mountain sadly

# Isa Isa baby

# And these crampons are starting to hurt quite badly

# Stop - a World Heritage Zone

# Get close and personal with dinosaur bones

# These amazing creatures evolved, they say

# Into the Aussie animals we know today

# I wouldn't fancy meeting these, would you?

# Particularly the carnivorous emu

# The wombats don't sound scary at all

# Till you realise they were two metres tall

# Stop - but during World War II

# If you were scared of an air raid what would you do?

# You'd hide in this underground shelter, surely

# Which would come in handy if you ever felt poorly

# Also doubled as a hospital, see?

# A unique underground health facility

# Subterranean, pretty flash

# Wonder if there's a doctor who could look at this rash?

# Isa Isa baby

# I'll tell you what, there's no mountain here

# Isa Isa baby

# But we've spent the budget on all this climbing gear

# Pressure! To find something to climb

# But all that we can find

# This small hill with a sign

# Pressure! And all that it shows

# Is how far we're from home

# Which we already know

# Isa Isa baby

# We came expecting to climb, but found

# Isa Isa baby

# The most interesting stuff is under the ground

# Isa Isa baby

# No actual mountain, which is a shame

# Mount Isa baby

# It's still cool though - if inappropriately named. #

Don't you just love being out here in the middle of nowhere? So peaceful.

Yeah. Yeah, I am liking the outback, it's remote, uninhabited.

I'm just wondering where you go when you've...got to go.

Oh, Ed, I told you not to eat all those beans at breakfast!

Erm.... Well, what's that? Is that a portable toilet? You could try that.

Oh, yeah. I think you might be right.

SQUELCHING NOISE

Arrgh!

I think this is a bit too portable for my liking!

Ed, you just seem to have a knack of being

in the wrong place at the wrong time.

These guys are in training for the Dunny Derby,

part of the Outback Festival in Winton.

A dunny is Australian for a loo, so yes, you can believe your eyes -

these guys are racing toilets!

Bringing a whole new meaning to "having the runs".

The Outback Festival has been celebrated here for over 40 years,

but this year is the first

that two CBBC presenters have had

a chance to race the famous dunnies.

Winton Dunny Derby presents:

Team Ed versus Team Naomi.

There can only be one number one,

because no-one wants to be a number two.

-If we're going to race toilets, we need team-mates.

-And a dunny each.

-And a complete lack of dignity.

-Well, we ought to be all right.

Yeah, we lost that a long time ago on this show.

I can see what you mean, guys.

Teams of five loo lovers race in each team,

complete with silly costumes and funny dunny team names,

like Top Bum,

The Brave Farts, and these guys...

This is my favourite one. Gangbum Style!

-Look at that.

-Yeah.

-Whose idea was this?

-Er, his.

-Have you got a team for the Dunny Derby?

-No.

-No.

-I'm looking for some team members, would you join my team?

-Sure!

-Yeah.

-Do you want to be in my team?

-No.

We're looking for two more members to run on my team.

-Do you want to be in my team?

-No, thank you.

-Yeah, I want to.

-Would you do it?

-That's a good idea.

-You don't want to. Well, I only need two.

Wooooo! Go Team Naomi!

-Do you want to be in my team?

-No.

-This is going well.

Yeah, Ed, you're on a roll. A loo roll!

Never mind. Let's check out the rules.

First, the jockey must race to the toilet

with their pants around their ankles.

Then their team-mate must drag the dunny through the course,

stopping to pick up items along the way,

before it's full steam ahead to the finish, and dumping the opposition.

Ed won't even get that far of he doesn't have a team.

-Anyone want to be in my team?

-Yeah.

-Great! Have you done this before?

-No.

Doing OK, Ed, just two more to find.

Just found the last two people for my team. What country are you from?

-England!

-Yes! A slice of home!

While your team-mates prepare your poop chariots,

why not check out some other cracking events?

Yes, it's the egg-throwing competition.

One person throws an egg, the other catches it.

It's harder than it looks.

-Smashing!

-I'll do the yolks.

What?! Oh, my word!

That's incredible!

-You guys want to have a go now?

-I guess we better do,

-you've only got two eggs left.

-You catch, I'll throw.

-Ready?

-Yes, I'm ready.

Yay!

Go on, guys, don't be chicken.

Oh, I'm worried Ed might get egg on his face...

Oh...

Oh, yes. I've found my sport.

Oh, no!

-Oh, sorry.

-I've just got to sit here now and wait for breakfast to cook.

Here we go. Catch sideways, that's my tip.

Very good, very good.

Further back than that, we can do this. Come on.

HE LAUGHS

Bit further...

Bit further, come on. Bit further. There we go, lovely.

ANNOUNCER: I can see what's coming here, I think this is a trap.

Ooh...

Egg-cellent egg-catching there, Miss Wilkinson.

Just don't get too cocky.

Oh! Because that's what'll happen.

-Fried, scrambled?

-Er, I like them...

ready in the next eight hours?

But now, it's time for the main event -

Ed versus Naomi in the Dunny Derby!

You've probably guessed who I am, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I am Jeremy Clarksbum, and this is my Plop Gear dunny.

Ah. Well, I am Dr Poo,

and here is my TARDUMP and my...alien things in my team.

-Oh, wonderful.

-So er... let's do-do this.

Yes.

-May the best poo or plop win.

-Yes. Good luck.

So, basically...

-I just want you to run really fast, and don't mess it up.

-OK.

-Team Dr Poo - are you ready?

-Yes.

-These - are they going to be help or a hindrance?

-A hindrance.

I think we should lose them. We don't want anything to hold us back.

Go Team Poo!

The gloves are off, the pants are down.

Three, two, one - go!

And they're off, they're moving quickly.

A little flushed. Naomi is first onto the pan.

-Stop!

-Stop!

Oh, first toilet stop, it's the loo roll.

Naomi's back on quickly.

And it's round the U-bend.

Ed really needs to make a big splash here.

Oh, Ed's got his loo roll!

Naomi is in the first place, but Clarksbum is clinging on.

Dr Poo!

Stick it in there, Ed, go on.

Naomi has the brush! Don't use it in your hair.

Come on, Ed...

That's it. Put the toilet seat back down.

Oh, and now Ed has his brush...

..and Naomi has got the paper, she's got all three objects now!

It's now all about constipation.

Sorry, about concentration.

Round the bend...

Oh - Clarksbum squats - gets the newspaper!

It's good, it's now a race to see who will finish first.

Naomi is in the lead.

But Ed is stuck in the U-bend.

Oh - look at Naomi's winning streak!

Clarksbum's left behind. He's the poo-ser!

No number two here. First place!

This is for face-saving. Come on!

Come on - do it for Britain!

You're slower than James May!

Well done. Excellent effort.

Oh...

No, well done, Jezzas. Well done.

Woooo!

Look at them posing for their victory photograph.

How are you feeling, loser?

Well...they were slower than James May, that lot. Honestly.

And the winner of the All Over The Place Dunny Derby is...

-..Naomi!

-Yeah!

I feel so flushed after it.

-Feeling a bit down in the dumps?

-Yeah. Can't believe I came bottom.

Very good. Now go and wash your hands, you two.

You've been watching All Over The Place Australia!