Episode 3 All Over the Place

If you want to know why I'm sitting paddling in an empty paddling pool,

in a dry riverbed, in the middle of Australia, keep watching!

If you think that's weird,

the rest of the show will totally blow your mind!

Iain is in a vest, confessing...

I just love didgeridoo!

-Michelle, Sam and Mark...

-And my clarinet, made of wood, yes?

-Yeah.

-Johnny... Cel... and Naomi destroys a flag.

-You've broken my flag!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, South, East, West, on a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates all over the place

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange, but true

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff down under that is totally ace

# And it turns up all over the place! #

OK, let's start at Fingal Head in New South Wales, where the

rocks look like the Giants' Causeway in Northern Ireland.

DIDGERIDOO DRONES

Iain, I am loving your new band. What did you say they were called?

My band? They're called Three Haggis, One DJ.

It's a great sound, no-one else is doing this.

What we've done is we've just sort of sampled some didgeridoo...

Oh, that's what it is, didgeridoo! It's very heavy on the didgeridoo.

-Well, there's other elements as well.

-Well, it's mostly didgeridoo.

DIDGERIDOO DRONES

Hang on a minute. This phone's not even on!

It's just a bloke playing the didgeridoo.

Yeah, that's it, that's John. I'm not even in a band.

I just love didgeridoo!

Didgeri-don't lie to me again.

Didgeridoos are Aboriginal wind instruments over 2,000 years old

and they are still played today.

That's some pretty old wind right there! It might smell a bit.

John has been playing these instruments for not quite 2,000

years, but 35, which is long enough to make him something of an expert.

Ed, I'll be honest with you, these things are massive

-and pretty awesome, but I've no idea how to play one.

-Me neither.

What we need is an All Over The Place step-by-step guide,

to help us. It can't be that difficult, can it?

Let's find out, shall we?

Every time you hear didgeri-do, you're doing it right.

When you hear didgeri-don't, you're doing it wrong.

So, step one...

This is what I need, a nice tree trunk,

because those things are pretty big.

Ed, that's far too big, mate, you want one of these.

Travel didgeridoo, fits neatly in your rucksack.

You need something about this size here. About a metre and a half.

It's been eaten out by termites.

So, you don't carve it out, the termites carve it out?

Yeah, the termites do it.

Now, this one is a no-brainer. I used to play the recorder at school.

It's just like that, isn't it? You hold it like this. WHOO!

-It's quite heavy.

-Ed, I used to be a rock 'n' roll star, OK?

-You play it like a guitar.

-So obviously not right!

You need to rest it on the ground, then you play it from the other end.

DIDGERIDOO DRONES

-Oh, 'ello! I'm pretty good at the old breathing, Ed.

-Yeah!

I don't mean to boast, I'm pretty good, too.

I think this is definitely a didgeri-do we're getting now.

To play this instrument, guys,

you need to learn a technique called circular breathing.

-Ed is great at this, John.

-Oh, yeah, look at this.

HE PANTS

He means this.

HE PANTS

To learn the technique, boys, you need to inhale through your nose

and exhale through your mouth, like this.

DIDGERIDOO DRONES

-Wow, so you just keep on blowing for ever.

-And ever and ever!

ED PLAYS DIDGERIDOO BADLY

Ed!

Ed!

-You're getting quite good at that!

-I'm getting a note out.

I think with enough practice,

-I could play in a famous orchestra.

-That's highly unlikely, Ed.

Yeah, I don't think didgeridoos are allowed in orchestras.

DIDGERIDOO DRONES

-Oh, that is brilliant, boss, you nailed that solo.

-Thanks, mate.

I like that bit at the end, when it goes all crazy.

Excuse me, excuse me. You do know you shouldn't be sitting here with that?

-This is the woodwind section, yeah?

-Yes.

-And this is wood, yeah?

-Yes.

-Eucalyptus wood, to be precise.

-Yes.

-And this...

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-..is wind. Yeah?

-Yes.

Looks like I'm in the right section, then!

No, I mean the didgeridoo shouldn't be in this part of the orchestra.

Oh, right! Oh, that's OK then, because this isn't a didgeridoo.

-It's a yidaki, or a mandapul.

-Or a paampu.

Depending on the name of the Aboriginal tribe that made it.

Didgeridoo is just the name European settlers gave it.

Because it sounds like this.

# Didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo... #

Yes, OK, thank you very much! Thank you. I'm very aware of that.

I am also aware that the hole

going down the middle of your "instrument" was made by termites.

-Termites?

-Yes, which are wood-eating little bugs, yes?

Yeah, I know termites. Love eating wood.

-And my clarinet, made of wood, yes?

-Yeah.

-And your chair, made of wood, yes?

-Yeah...

CHAIR CRACKS

And that is precisely why you shouldn't be in the woodwind section!

Hmm!

Michelle, stop! What are you doing, waving those scissors around?

-You might have someone's eye out!

-They're not scissors,

they're gardening shears, and I'm an adult, I'm allowed to use them.

-And why are you dressed like that?

-I'm Edward Safety Scissorhands.

You should have a pair of these.

Ed, that's ridiculous, I'd never get through a hedge with these.

That's another thing, why are you trimming hedges?

-You might cut your fingers, young lady!

-It's topiary.

You don't want to cut your toes, either!

No, trimming a shape out of trees or shrubs is called topiary.

-And all the shapes in this garden are made by one man.

-Ooh!

Let's have a go.

Oh!

Great. That's just great.

Should have used safety scissors!

Hug?

-Hi, Neil.

-How are you?

Sorry about that Edward Safety Scissorhands thing,

I've chased him off now, you shouldn't have any more trouble.

That's all right, that'll grow back, that's the beauty of it.

That's the wonder of plants, I suppose.

That's the whole thing, it will grow back. Doesn't matter.

So, Neil, how did you first get into topiary?

Um, I first got into topiary

when I sort of moved into this town from Melbourne.

I opened up a little shop and it was

so quiet that I had to do something, so I started the topiary.

Oh, so it's to bring your customers in?

Yeah, to bring people either into the shop and into the town.

Well, it certainly worked, because here we are.

This whole town has gone topiary mad!

Railton actually calls itself the Town of Topiary,

with over 170 in this collection.

The oldest one dates back to 1999, and it's this horse and farmer.

Want to know how to make a topiary shape?

Make a wire frame in the shape you want.

Plant a bush in the wire frame.

Wait for the bush to grow - this may take a few months,

so let's skip this step four.

Trim the bush to the shape you want.

You know what? I can't stand nosy neighbours!

Yeah, that's why I'll never live next door to a giraffe.

All aboard Topiary the Tank Engine!

Toot-toot!

There is so much topiary in this town that there is actually

a tourist map showing you where it all is, which is good,

otherwise you could end up being really BUSHED

trying to find them all before you LEAF!

Hmm. Topiary has been an inspiration to many over the centuries.

Wasn't there a famous writer

who couldn't stop mentioning it in his plays?

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your shears!

Are you talking about William Shakespeare?

Because I'm sure it was, "Lend me your ears."

No, he was talking to his gardening friends at the time.

He also wrote the famous line,

"Topiary or not topiary, that is the question."

To be or not to be... Oh, I get it! That's good, yeah.

Good name for a game show.

The premise is simple.

I have hidden beneath a sheet several pieces of Neil's topiary.

-And it is up to Mike here...

-Sorry, it's Michelle.

-It's up to Michael here...

-No, my name is right there, Michelle!

..to guess what's beneath the sheet. Is it topiary, or not topiary?

If he guesses correctly using the eyes in his face,

he will win a piece of topiary to take home with him.

Look at the sheet and guess what is underneath.

Is it topiary, or not topiary?

-I'm going to say, I think it's topiary...

-Don't touch it!

-That's better.

-I think it's topiary.

-Correct, it is topiary!

-Yes! Yes!

But unfortunately,

you should have known that you can't take animals back into the UK

without a licence, so, you can't keep this prize, unfortunately.

Let's move on.

I want you to look at this

and guess what it is, is it topiary, or not topiary?

I am going to say topiary.

-It's correct!

-Get in!

-It's topiary!

Unfortunately, you can't take her home, because she is a plant,

planted into the ground, it just wouldn't be feasible.

I don't know why I ever thought it would be.

What is beneath this sheet? Is it topiary, or not topiary?

-Um, I'm going for topiary.

-It has been topiary, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

The last two times. But you are incorrect! It's not topiary.

Unfortunately, you can't take this home with you, because this

is one of our researchers and she needs to make me a cup of tea!

-So, I don't win anything?

-No, you have won absolutely nothing.

As Shakespeare would say, join me next time, game show fans!

Where's my tea?

In which sport is it very important to be able to jump really high?

High jump.

That's actually not the one I was thinking of, no,

-you have to be able to run as well.

-Easy. Long jump.

-No, no, it involves punching.

-Boxing.

-No, no, punching a ball.

-Volleyball.

-No, you can kick it as well.

-Rugby. Football, football!

No, OK, I'll give you a really good clue now.

-The rules are similar to that, but it's Aussie.

-Aussie...

-rugby football rules game? Is that it?

-No, it's Aussie rules football!

-Oh!

-You must have heard of Aussie rules football.

That's why I brought you here,

to the largest Aussie rules football stadium in South Australia!

-Oh, right!

-Can't believe you didn't know what Aussie rules football was.

-Sorry. So, how do you play it? What are the rules?

-Um, I don't know.

This is Adelaide Stadium, which is indeed the largest Aussie rules

football ground in this part of the world.

It was built in 1972 and is home to two local clubs.

There are 18 teams that play in the AFL -

short for Australian Football League.

And Aussie rules is by far the most watched sport down under.

So, it does indeed rule!

'Ed and Naomi!

'You have 40 seconds to find out as much as you can about

'Aussie rules football and this massive stadium.

'Ed, you have Garry, who knows all about the game.

'Naomi, you have Justin, who knows all about the stadium.

'Three, two, one, go!'

-Are you ready, Justin?

-Yes, I am.

-When was the stadium built?

-1974.

What games is Aussie rules football a combination of?

It's a mix of rugby and football.

-How big is it from end to end?

-Too big!

You touch it with your hands, don't you?

-We do, yeah.

-So, why do you call it football?!

-I'm not sure.

-We handball and kick...

-It doesn't make any sense, Australia!

-Do Aussies rule?

-Oh, yeah, of course they do.

Why don't people just play rugby

-or just play football?

-We love the oval ball.

-How many meat pies would you sell per game?

-About 8,500.

-No way!

-Yes!

-How many players in a team?

-Normally 18.

18 on the field and up to four off the field.

-Why is your pitch oval shaped?

-Because it's shaped like a football.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Oh, we're out of time! Top work, Justin.

'And the person who found out the most facts is... Naomi!'

Yes! Yes!

Don't get ahead of yourselves, you are both off to meet

the person who really rules Aussie rules, the umpire.

You can hit, punch, kick and run with it, throwing is illegal.

And if you do run with it, you need to bounce it every 15m.

You can play the ball in any direction you want,

just don't forget which way you're trying to score a goal!

You are actually allowed to use another player's back to get

up high and catch a ball.

If you do catch the ball when it's really high,

this is called a speccy, as in spectacular.

Rule four, you can tackle a player below the shoulders

but you can't punch, push in the back or trip anyone up.

Rule five, to score a goal of six points,

you must kick between the centre posts.

If you miss and hit between the outer posts, you can

still score one point.

Rule six, the umpire's word is final.

His and his and his and his and his and his and his and his...

That's because there are nine umpires in every game.

So now you know the rules, it's time to learn to be an umpire,

like Chris here.

Skill number one, running backwards.

So what we're going to do,

we're going to run out to that red footy

and we're going to run backwards and run back here.

So let's see what you guys have.

-Running backwards out there and then back?

-She's already gone.

-And then back again. What have you done with the football?

-Easy.

Now skill number two is a really difficult one.

This is called the umpires' bounce, different from the players' bounce.

Now an umpire does a bounce after every single goal

or at the start of every single quarter and...

I'm so going to hit myself in the face doing that.

I can see why that happens.

You feel really stupid when you do that.

That's not too bad, not too bad. It went a bit off to the left,

but next time you've got to get down nice and low.

-It almost hit me.

-What are you trying to do to the man?

-So sorry.

-Flag-waving.

-I think I might be better at this.

-You do three things, you go across, out, and then down.

-Starting up...

Very good. That's fantastic. Second one. Bit easier, you wave one flag.

Umpires use flags to show a team has scored.

Two flags means a goal and six points, one flag means one point.

-You broke my flag.

-You've really got it in for him.

-He's done nothing to you, this man.

-I'm sorry.

-He's done nothing to you.

-I'm so sorry.

-Oh!

-And my flag's broken again.

-That was her fault.

She did that first.

As you two have destroyed every flag,

maybe an umpire's job isn't for you,

but, Ed, there is a role in Aussie rules that you could fly right into.

All of a sudden I'm feeling like Aussie rules

doesn't rule quite so much.

Bye. Off you go.

-SQUAWK!

-Wave those arms. That's it, legs up.

-SQUAWK!

-Mind the post.

Ed, I am so looking forward to this water park, are you ready?

Thanks for bringing me. I cannot wait.

Yes, I've got a bit of bad news re the water park.

-We are going to Atlantis Marine Park, right, here in Two Rocks?

-Yes.

Yes, well, great, because I've got a brochure,

and the things we can go do.

Look, they've got penguins, turtles, pelicans,

dolphins and King Neptune! Look out, it looks amazing.

-Yes, looked amazing. Looked amazing.

-And the dolphin shows.

You know what they're like, sitting in the front row.

We're going to get soaked.

-Would have got soaked. We would have got soaked.

-Ed...

Why do you keep putting everything I say in the past tense?

-Cos, I'm afraid, Cel, the water park is closed.

-Closed?

-What time did it shut?

-Oh, let's see now, about August 1990.

-What?

Let me explain.

# Once upon a time

# Several years ago

# In 1981 or thereabouts

# Atlantis Marine Park was the place to go

# And, boy, did they have something to shout about

# Dolphins, turtles, seals

# Impressive water shows

# Statues of celebrities carved in stone

# It was all going so well

# But suddenly it closed

# Now it's left desolate and overgrown

# It's long gone, sorry, Cel

# You'll find I'm right

# All that's left of this abandoned theme park

# Is what looks like an archaeological site

# Cos it's all just bubble when you walk in

# No dolphins here at all

# Just left to go to rack and ruin

# With graffiti on the walls

# Oh, no

# Rubble, rubble, rubble

# Oh, no

# It's all just rubble, rubble...

# The park ran out of cash

# Trading had to cease

# A massive disappointment to every child

# The animals they kept had to be released

# And rehabilitated back into the wild

# Some things still remain slightly worse for wear

# King Neptune still stands here tall and proud

# Other statues too

# Scattered here and there

# Silently they wait for the tourist crowds

# And it's long gone, sorry, Cel

# It's in no doubt

# But I'll admit as far as theme parks go

# It's not your traditional fun day out

# Cos now it's all just rubble when you walk round

# No sea life here to see

# No penguins, turtles, can be found

# But at least admission's free

# Oh, no

# Rubble, rubble, rubble, rubble

# Oh, no... #

OK, I've got it, Ed, no need to go to so much trouble.

-Ed, remind me why we're doing this again?

-Because there's no better way

-to get ready for the big race.

-Yes, are you sure about that, are you?

Well, not in the slightest, to be honest,

but I heard this is the world's oldest river race,

-so I thought it was worth a try.

-Hang on a minute.

If this is supposed to be a river race, then where's the river?

-You're in it.

-How does it work, then?

Look, just trust me, this is the river, come on, keep paddling.

Er, Ed, something tells me we're doing this wrong.

-Yes, you might be right.

-Follow that kayak.

If we're quick, we can catch her.

Guys, there's something you need to under-sand!

This is the Henley-on-Todd Regatta in Alice Springs.

It's one of the most famous odd events in Australia.

Every year, people race up and down the dried-up bed of the Todd River.

This is the 52nd annual regatta.

It began back in 1962 and in all those years,

it's only been cancelled once.

The reason - it rained and there was too much water, making this the

only river race in the world that gets cancelled if people get wet.

Sounds right up our street or should I say river bed?

I don't want to be against those guys when we're racing.

I think my boat's turned up there, Jonny. Where's yours?

Hello, Henley-on-Todd Aussie sailors.

Hello there. Hello.

What is it about the middle of Australia

that makes people behave like this?

It's the heat.

Well, looks like the heat got to you two.

I'd just like to point out that all these people are queuing up

for a boat race with no water. This is bonkers.

Every year, around 4,500 people come to watch the regatta

and over 350 of them take part in these wacky races too.

Anyone can sign up, you can race in the bathtub derby,

do some sand skiing, sand surf on a boogie board,

ride what looks like a giant hamster wheel

and loads of other just as silly things,

but today Ed and Jonny are going to take part in the kayak races.

So they'll need a pair of kayaks, then.

And fortunately, there are a couple of spares.

These must be our kayaks.

Oh, yeah, I've just got to work out which one floats my boat.

Yes, an important decision this, it's sink or swim.

Oh, enough with the puns already.

And anyway they both look the same,

so just pick one, you pair of drongos.

-Oh, dry up, voice-over man.

-He does have a point, though, Ed.

Yeah, I suppose so. In fact, they're far too similar. Let's decorate.

The ship that Captain Cook discovered Australia in was

-called the Endeavour, so I'm calling mine the HMS Ed-eavour.

-Genius.

The Aussies are going to love it. What are you going to call yours?

I'm going to call mine Pittsy's Pirate Piranha.

Aw-w! You look like you're having fun there, boys.

Well, sticking stickers is about your level right enough.

It that a confession, Ed? No, it's sabotage.

-What's that?

-What?

-What? That wasn't me.

-That's childish, Ed.

No, you must have written that when you are getting carried away.

That's what I'm talking about, Pittsy's Pirate Piranha.

Watch out for the bite, Ed.

To be honest, I think both of your efforts are pretty rubbish.

Maybe you need to find someone with some nautical knowledge.

-Are you like a seasoned sailor?

-Aye aye.

-Is this your mighty vessel?

This is my mighty vessel. Welcome aboard.

I have to say, our vessels aren't going to be anywhere

near as mighty as that one, but have you got any tips for the kayak race?

OK, you need strong muscles to hold up your boat.

Strong legs to power your boat. Keep the nose up.

-Oh, that's a good tip, nose up.

-And don't fall over.

What's your top tip for taking part in the event?

-Thin soles on your shoes.

-Thin soles on my shoes.

-I've got thick soles, so I'm in trouble?

-Yeah.

-Great.

Thanks for building my confidence, Jacob. Thanks a lot.

What's your top tip?

How do I win an event at the Henry-on-Todd Regatta?

Tell me now, quick! Don't tell him. tell me quick.

BOY SHOUTS

-Right, brilliant, thank you.

-I missed that.

-A bit of knowledge.

Well, that's what the public think, so how are you feeling, guys?

Seems like there are so many obstacles against you,

it's like, it's baking hot, there's sand all over the place...

-It's really dusty.

-It's hard to run in the sand.

-And those metal frames are heavy.

-Yeah, they're really...

Yes, they are. They're heavier than they look.

"They look heavier than they look!" Oh, get over yourself, mate.

It's time for the kayak race. The rules are very simple.

When the race begins, you have to run 50 metres as fast

as you can in the sandy river bed while carrying a kayak.

You go round the barrel and then run 50 metres back again.

The fastest racers go into the final.

And first up to give it a go is Jonny.

Here we go - out first.

I'm going to show him how it's done...I think.

Jonny, try not to be rubbish. I know your find it hard.

OK, start-up, it's in your hands now.

Oh, here he goes. Jonny's lagging behind them.

Don't fall over, Jonny,

Don't fall over, Jonny!

So can you do better, Ed?

No pressure, there, Ed.

-I didn't come last, did I?

-No pressure, no pressure.

-So you don't really want to come last, do you?

-No pressure at all.

Go away, Jonny, go away. I am quite worried, actually.

That guy fell over, looked nasty.

STARTING GUN FIRES

Oh, look at that!

Oh, this is quite difficult.

Oh, no, the wind's against me.

Arrggh!

So one question remains.

Don't know if either of us are through to the final yet.

Can I just say at this point,

I definitely want to beat you still, but I was quite impressed with you?

At least you didn't come last and neither did I.

No, we did all right, didn't we? We did all right.

I'm just saying this just in case I've lost.

I'm still hoping I smash you.

Steady on, Ed. Neither of you made the actual final, so, instead,

you're taking part in a special head-to-head

All Over The Place decider's heat.

Ed, it was bad enough I didn't make the final,

-but couldn't you have at least made the final?

-I know.

-I've got to race again head-to-head.

-I don't want to do it.

-I tell you what, let's just say you won.

-All right.

-Nah!

-Oh.

-Only joking.

-Knew it was too good to be true.

I really don't want to do this again.

I also really don't want to lose to Jonny.

OK, here it goes, I really want to beat him, really want to beat him.

I'm going to give it everything. Here we go, Jonny. Don't be rubbish.

STARTING GUN FIRES

And they're off! And they're going to kayak crazy out there

and as we come to the turn,

it's neck and neck and it looks like Jonny is... No, it's Ed.

Ed is going round the turn first. This is going to mean a lot to Ed,

He's not particularly competitive. It won't matter if he wins or loses,

he's not going to make a big song and dance out of it.

Yes! Winner right here. Did you see that? Did you see that?

Look at that, that's me. That's me, that is!

Well, guys, have you had a great time here today?

You're welcome back any time you like.

Now, the big trophy,

the All Over The Place trophy. The winner is...

Ed.

Thank you, Commodore, thank you. It was plain sailing.

I've got that sinking feeling. BUBBLING

You've been watching All Over The Place Australia.

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