Episode 10 All Over the Place

If you want to know why I'm trying to pull a mechanical whale up a hill

in New South Wales, then keep watching. Argh! Come on, Benny.

Come on, Ed! He's having a whale of a time.

Also in at the deep end on our amazing Australian road trip,

Michelle.

Who are these people?

-Johnny.

-I love trucks, too!

-Naomi.

-Did you see?

I just scored two under Douglas!

and Ian's all at sea.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west, on a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates all over the place

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do down under that is totally ace

# And it turns up all over the place. #

First stop, it's the Northern Territory, which is five times

the size of the UK but only about 1% of Australia's people live there.

A massive country like Australia needs massive trucks

and these are called road trains.

They're used to transport all kinds of stuff across Australia

and can stretch for over 50 metres in length.

That's more than four double-decker buses end-to-end.

That means they can carry a lot of pretty much everything.

Truck-tastic!

HORN SOUNDS

Truckcellent!

And if you want to find out more about these beasts of the open road,

then there's one place to come and one man to meet.

19 years collecting. Over 300 in the collection.

Kel is Road Train Man.

-Hey there. You must be Kel.

-Yep.

-How you doing?

-Wow! Those are real man's hands.

-Yes!

-This place is full of trucks.

-Just a few.

So why are road trains so big?

Because of our distances and lack of rail in Australia,

road trains do the bulk of the work.

Perishables going to Darwin go on road trains.

It's quicker than rail and you can pull up to 120 tonnes

on each road train.

That's how we get our produce around Australia.

You've clearly got a big love of trucks.

What is it you love about them?

They carry the nation. Australia would be lost without the trucks.

-I love trucks.

-I love trucks too!

I love trucks three!

In fact, I love them so much, here's a game show all about them.

Hello. Welcome and indeed hello

and welcome to the finest game show about trucks ever played.

(At least today...) It's A Whole Lorry Love.

Let's meet today's contestant. Hello, contestant. What's your name?

-Hi. I'm Johnny.

-Yeah, all right. It's not all about you.

Let's crack on with this, shall we? I've got fan mail to answer.

And today, Johnny, you're playing to win some in-truck air fresheners.

No expense spent. You just need to get one question correct.

This is the Vestige Rotinov. It has some wheels - surprise, surprise(!)

I mean, it's a lorry.

But how many wheels does the average road train have?

-And remember, Johnny, you're playing for these.

-Oh, yes. OK.

A - 18 wheels.

B - 26 wheels. (It's a lot of wheels, isn't it?)

Or C - 62 wheels. (This is, frankly, ridiculous.)

I don't know. It doesn't sound so ridiculous to me.

-I'm going to go for 64.

-64's not an option, Johnny.

-W-w-what was an option?

-Well, 62. You've lost.

-62! 62.

-It's too late now.

If only you'd said it right the first time! The answer is indeed 62.

This is Bertha. Hello, Bertha. How are you?

Bertha is the grand old lady of the Hall of Fame.

But what was the maximum length of trailer she could pull, Johnny?

Was it A - 25 metres?

B - 50 metres?

-Or C - 75 metres, which is a lot of metres, isn't it, Johnny?

-It is.

I haven't got a clue. Er... Just to hazard a guess...

I have got children to go home to.

OK, I'm going to go for C, 75 metres.

-Is correct!

-Yes!

-Well done.

-You can smell victory.

-Yes.

-There you go.

-Yeah, all right.

-By the way, you can't actually have these. I'm not made of money.

-But...

What a lorry rubbish! Trucking, eh?

I mean, lucky for you that there are more trucks to play with here.

I have to say, Kel, I'm sort of itching to get in one.

Would we be able to sit in a road train?

Well, we can probably do a little bit better than that.

We can put you into the 1934 AEC and see if you can drive it.

That's the only one left in the world.

You're going to trust us

with a truck that is the only one of its kind in the world?

That's right. We'll try.

Welcome to Bottom Gear.

On the show today, some frizzy hair takes a road train out for a spin.

-I'm Jeremy and I'm a man.

-I'm Jezzer and I'm a man too.

And today, we're going to be test-driving

one of the original road trains.

We're going to be taking it out for a little spin

and doing some serious driving, so let's truck!

This eight-wheel-drive beast was used to transport stuff

across the outback even before the roads were built.

Perfect for a spot of off-road mayhem.

Just listen to that incredible engine!

It's like having a really big, satisfying trump.

The suspension is bouncier than a happy kangaroo on a trampoline.

This is going at incredible speed. Two miles per hour!

I tell you what I like about this windscreen - there isn't one!

Oh, this is the most fun I've had since sliced bread.

And that is how you drive an Australian road train.

Showing the Aussies how it's done.

Dunno how that got there.

Coober Pedy, South Australia.

Hole-in-one.

-Yeah, I know there's a hole in it. It's a doughnut.

-Fore!

-No, there's only one. And you're not having it.

-No, look where we are, Ed.

We're on a golf course.

Golfers shout out "fore!" to warn other people to watch out

-for flying golf balls.

-This is a golf course?

-Yeah.

I was just shouting encouragement to the golfers.

If they can get the ball in the hole in one shot,

that is called a hole-in-one.

Isn't it a bit dangerous to be standing around on a golf course

if there's balls flying through the air?

Yes! Yes, it is.

No, it's not. We didn't use a real golf ball.

That was just plastic.

Ed and Naomi are standing in the middle of Coober Pedy golf course,

Australia's driest place to play golf.

It does have 18 holes but that's pretty much the only thing

that's normal about this place.

Instead of green grass, it's pretty much all dust, sand and rock.

Where other courses have smooth grassy greens around the hole,

this one has not-so-greens made from a sludgy mixture of sand and oil.

Golfing at its oddest.

Well, until Ed and Naomi turned up, anyway!

Got my ball, got my stick. Let's play golf.

That's a golf CLUB, not a stick.

Although the first golfers, hundreds of years ago,

did play with a piece of wood.

It's just getting a ball in a hole, isn't it? It can't be that difficult.

Er, I think there's a bit more to it than that, Ed.

I wonder how many hole-in-ones I'll get.

-Don't get ahead of yourself.

-That's right, Naomi.

Being a good golfer takes years of practice but anyone can have a go.

All you need to do is follow some basic guidelines.

Rule one. You'll need the right clothes.

Coober Pedy style is casual, but not that casual.

You'll still need to dress the part.

Anything goes as long as it stops sunburn, beats the flies

and stops you stubbing your toes.

Rule two, get the right equipment.

And at Coober Pedy , you also need to BYOG - bring your own grass.

It's for the areas of the course that have none -

which is most of it.

Rule three, learn to hit the ball.

We ain't got all day, you know.

Remember, keep your eye on the ball and follow through with that swing.

And that's how you play desert golf.

Shocker! He did actually hit the ball and in the right direction.

Let's see how Naomi does.

-Ow!

-Oh! Ha-ha. Don't worry, it's only Ed you hit.

I think she was trying to do that. Ed on his second shot. Mmm!

-Oh, it's gone down a mine shaft.

-Not that good.

Naomi placing her portable grass.

Remember, there's no real grass here. Oh, nice!

Can Ed do better? I would say no is the answer to that one. Ha-ha!

Naomi getting ready to play onto the not-very green.

It's a nice, long shot.

Not too bad.

-And Ed - ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Stupid rocks!

Naomi playing for the hole.

Oh, so close.

And she holes it in five.

Ed, can you match her?

-No, you can't.

-Yay!

-Six.

-Kaboom!

-At last.

Naomi steals victory from Ed

and a score of five on this hole is called a bogey. No, really, it is.

Apparently golfers use all sorts of strange words.

Excuse me, I'd like to report a stolen golf club.

-I'm sorry to hear that. What was it, a 9-iron? Wedge?

-Oh, no, no.

A golf club. Someone appears to have stolen your whole golf club.

-The fairways, the greens, the water hazards.

-No, no, no.

It's always like that. It's a great course.

I was out there this morning and I scored a kookaburra on the ninth.

-A what?!

-A kookaburra.

I got a bit bored so I decided to Aussie the scores up a bit,

so a kookaburra is one shot less than is normally required to

-complete a hole.

-My dear man,

it's called a birdie, because bird is 19th-century slang for excellent

and it is considered excellent for a player to score one under par.

-Douglas.

-What?

-One under Douglas.

Sir, the term for the predetermined number of strokes required to

-complete a hole is par.

-And my pa is called Douglas.

No self-respecting golfer is going to walk into the clubhouse

and say, "Did you see? I just scored two under Douglas!"

No, no. They wouldn't.

They'd say they scored a cockatoo, cos it's got the word "two" in it.

-It's a no-brainer.

-No, stop changing things.

One under par is a birdie.

-Two under par is an eagle, three under par is...

-A galar.

No, an albatross. Three under par is an albatross,

because getting a score that low is very rare - like an albatross.

A tawny frogmouth is very rare.

Let's say three under Douglas is a tawny frogmouth.

-That's not even a sentence.

-Er, OK. A lorikeet.

A whitbird.

A crimson rosella. Three under Douglas is a crimson rosella.

Oh, forget it!

If you are not going to use the correct golfing terms,

then I am not going to play on your golf course. Good day.

Now kindly point me in the direction of the nearest

-alternative golf club.

-That'd be Adelaide.

It's a 14-day walk through scorching hot desert,

assuming nothing eats you.

Oh, one round of golf, please, good sir.

I hear there's a good chance of a kookaburra under Douglas

out on the ninth.

See? Now you're getting it!

This is Phillip Island, where 70,000 little penguins live

and I'm not being funny about their height.

They ARE actually called Little Penguins.

These wee guys are 33 centimetres tall

and they're the smallest penguin species in the world.

That's smaller than three tins of baked beans

or the height of a bowling pin.

And every night, there's a penguin parade which is

when the penguins pop out of the sea, cross the beach

and head home to their little burrows. Aw!

They just want to rest their flippers after a hard day's fishing.

I don't really blame them.

Ed and Michelle, you have 42 seconds

to find out as much as you can about the little penguins.

Ed, you've got Kim, who knows the penguins' vital statistics.

Michelle, you've got Danene, who knows everything about penguins.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner. Three, two, one, go.

-How many species of penguin are there in the world?

-17.

How many penguins take part in the penguin parade?

It varies every night. Anywhere from 200 to 2,000.

How little are they?

They're 33 centimetres high and weigh a kilogram.

-Why do they do the parade?

-It's just a natural behaviour.

They've been doing it for thousands of years.

They come in at night cos it makes them safe from predators.

And when they go out there in the sea, what do they do all day?

-They go fishing for food.

-And what time at night do they come in?

At the same time. Not necessarily the same time. Always at sunset, though.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they live in a different area.

No, it's cos they can't get the wrappers off!

What noises do the penguins make when they come onshore?

-I'll do an impression. OK.

-Brrrr. Eeeee!

-OK, OK!

-Do they paint seascapes?

-Occasionally.

BUZZER SOUNDS

that was just a big old lie!

-Penguins don't paint, kids.

-No.

-Penguins don't paint.

And the person who asked the most penguin questions is...

Ed!

Oh!

-Oh, yes. Stand aside. There's a new penguin expert in town.

-Er...where?

Me, me. I'm talking about me.

Right, waddle this way.

I'm going to do my victory waddle.

You can't do a victory waddle, you have to do a loser waddle.

For most of the year, there are more

penguins than people on Phillip Island.

There are 7,000 of them that live here all year round,

but sometimes this can go up to

60,000 penguins on the beach alone.

That's one serious queue for the ice cream van!

-I really want to see a penguin.

-Me too.

I think I can hear them, as well.

Now it's time to weigh some penguins with Kim.

She does this to make sure they're a healthy weight.

I can see why we're not allowed to touch them now.

-That penguin really went for you, didn't it?

-Yeah.

So now we put them in the bag.

Although they don't like it very much, it doesn't hurt them.

-You can see why you don't want to get bitten by a penguin.

-Yes, yes.

-They look so cute and cuddly from afar, don't they?

-They do.

You can see that that's just over a kilogram,

so that's probably 1,080.

Wow, one bag of sugar. They're quite heavy, penguins.

-They are.

-1,080.

-They've kind of got a blueish fur, haven't they?

-Yeah, they do.

That's so they can camouflage.

So, when they're in the water, if they're on top of the water,

if you look down...

PENGUINS SQUAWK AND HONK

They're complaining about us.

PENGUINS SQUAWK AND HONK

LAUGHTER

That's really funny.

"I can't believe it, that's completely unacceptable!"

"Who are these people?"

Don't worry, these little penguins aren't really that mad.

It's just how they communicate with each other.

Every day, they can eat about 25% of their own body weight

in small fish and squid.

But I can confirm, they've never eaten chips with those fish.

Shame, they're really missing out!

So, it's starting to get dark.

There could be 250 to 1,000 penguins about to arrive in the parade.

-How excited are you?

-It's not long!

I'm really excited, I can't wait. I wonder if they'll be really noisy

like when they're coming up on the beach.

Really grumpy, like those ones earlier.

SHE LAUGHS

"Do you mind? I'm trying to get back to my burrow."

There's loads of people here.

Now that everyone's here, cue the penguins!

They're literally coming on the shore now.

-Look at them!

-Oh, look at them!

-There's loads of them.

-Oh, wow!

The reason they all come in groups like this

is cos they're trying not to get eaten, isn't it?

Yeah, they, like, make a large raft that looks like a bigger creature,

so they all stick together.

-Hello.

-Hi, guys.

They look so cute. Just the way they're waddling around.

Oh, here we go. We've got a few more guys.

They are really funny. Aren't they?

Aw, look at that. They seem much happier now.

Winton, Queensland.

Home to Waltzing Matilda.

And here I am, all ready to dance!

Ah, I thought this might happen.

I think you've misunderstood the meaning of the song.

It's called Waltzing Matilda, Ed! What's to misunderstand?

# Waltzing Matilda's Australia's most famous song

# A bit like when we sing God Save The Queen

# And a waltz is a dance

# And Matilda is a woman's name

# It's not rocket science

# I know what it means

# Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

# Sorry, Naomi but you've got it wrong

# There ain't no Matilda

# So chuck away your dancing shoes

# Here's the true meaning

# Of this famous song

# The title is slang

# For when a jolly traveller

# Roams through the bush with his life in a sack

# Waltz means to walk

# Whilst carrying your worldly goods

# Matilda's the name of the pack on his back

# Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

# I didn't know that, I must confess

# A quick look around this museum will confirm the truth

# Good job I kept the receipt for this dress

# The slang in the song can be difficult to understand

# Billabong, billy, jumbuck?

# It's all Greek to me

# Billabong means watering hole

# And jumbuck is a woolly sheep

# And billy is a tin can for making the tea - cheers!

# Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

# Not quite the song that you thought it would be

# It's an old ballad

# Been sung since the olden days

# Run through the story just once more for me... #

Look, it's about a swagman making a cup of billy at a bush camp

and capturing a jumbuck to eat.

Then the squatter arrives with three troopers.

The swagman hurls himself into the billabong,

after which his ghost haunts the site for all eternity.

Ooh. That's a bit bleak.

# All together now

# Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

# About a jolly swagman carrying his swag

# And the thing to remember

# That is quite surprising is

# Matilda is actually an old bag! #

Don't push it, Ed. Don't push it.

# Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

# About a jolly swagman carrying his swag... #

Hang on.

-WHALE SINGS

-Can you hear that?

You can't hear this? I can hear whales.

Can you see dead people, too?

Seriously, you can't hear this? I must've been chosen!

I'm like the whale whisperer!

I should live in the sea amongst them.

I'm coming! I'm coming, whale friends!

Ed living under the water? It won't happen, he'll be back in about...

five, four, three, two...

Oh, there's seaweed and things between my toes. I don't like it.

I see a weed holding seaweed.

Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here, then?

This is the annual Whale Festival in Eden,

which is in the appropriately named New South WALES territory.

And it celebrates all things WHALE.

Each year, over 2,000 WHALES come here to rest

and to eat in the warm waters during their journey - or migration,

to give it its proper name - from the icy cold waters of Antarctica.

The visitors who come here have a WHALE of a time during the

festival, but the most exciting part is spotting real life whales.

Go on, lads! Get out to sea and see what you can...see!

-Mine won't go on.

-Mine won't go, either.

Well, you won't see much, then, will you? I'm really jealous, guys.

I can't believe you're going to whale watch!

I think I might blubber!

Hey, there's a whale! There's a whale!

-Ed, put the picture away.

-Did I fool you?

No, you fooled no-one!

I want to see an actual whale!

Here we go, here we go!

Come on!

-There's a whale, there's a whale!

-It just went, "Pppp!"

-All I've seen is the "Pfff" thing.

-Do the "Pfff" thing again.

Look, look, look!

Oh!

Went back... Ah, ah, ah!

Whoa, whoa! Oh, I think I'll scare it off. Maybe I should shut up.

Yes, you should, so I can tell everybody

the average humpback whale is around 16m long.

That's nine Katy Perrys!

Whoa!

THEY LAUGH

I literally can't believe I just saw that.

-They are the biggest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

-Wow.

-Hello, mate.

-Hello.

Just having a little wave with a whale mate. No big deal.

# Let me see them hands

# Let me see them hands

# This place about to blow... #

Wow, wow, wow! Whoa!

Can I hug you? That is madness!

Whoa!

I can't believe I just saw that! I just saw that! Give me a hug!

Why am I hugging Iain? I don't know!

Get off of me! It's mad!

-Oh, wow!

-I can practically touch this whale.

-There it is, there it is!

-Aaargh!

Two of them right next to each other! Look, look!

There's three of them! This is why they have a whale festival here.

You can't move for them.

There's one over there, one over there, one over there.

Everywhere I look now there's a whale.

I really want to do my job and talk you through the experience.

-Forget about that!

-I know. I just want to watch them.

Oh, look at the tail! The tail!

I love the tail! I love their tails!

-Iain, whales are my new favourite animal.

-Mate, you're telling me.

I love all things whales.

I love whales the mammal, I love Wales the country.

And what better place to be than the Whale Festival.

Shall we go and find out some more stuff about whales?

-I bet there's loads of stuff to find out about whales.

-Let's do it!

That was absolutely amazing, lads.

But remember, it's the main event you're here for.

So, head over to the festival and get practising for this.

It's the challenge to end all challengers,

it's the Capstan Pull.

Teams will have to turn this cog around,

which pulls this massive mammal up the hill.

Whoever pulls it up in the fastest time will be crowned champions.

It all comes down to great strength and control.

I'd get some advice from a former champion if I were you.

So, what tips can you give me? Cos I want to win this competition.

Run really, really fast.

Make sure you run the right way on the rope.

And make sure you don't go before

the ropes all come to the front of the car.

Nearly time for the boys to flex those muscles and find out

who's going to be the killer whale and who will be left blubbering.

How are you feeling after that?

SHE LAUGHS

-My legs can't...

-She can't walk.

That's not a good sign, is it?

I no longer care who wins,

as long as we both survive!

That's all I want to happen right now.

At least we can tell someone that we pulled a car up a hill,

if we do this.

Yeah. That's the big thing, isn't it? BOTH: If we do this.

Oh, you can do it. And first up, it's Team Ed! Yay!

-Here we go. It's starting.

-Go!

And they're off! Oh, we nearly hit that person with the camera!

-Keep running, guys!

-Come on, Team Ed!

Ed's encouraging them. And they're at the wheel.

I'm ready! Er, which direction was it?

-Clockwise!

-That's kind of important, Ed.

-Not yet, guys!

-Get them all lined up.

-Let's haul this whale!

And they're off! They're off and running.

And the whale is moving already, heading up the hill.

Looking quite fast.

Slick teamwork.

They're really holding this together. This is impressive.

This is quite fast!

-Come on!

-Little nice jumps over the ropes.

Oh, no, they've lost a Scout! Ed, you're down one Scout!

The whale's still moving, though.

Keep going!

Not another Scout!

Oh, there's the Scout back. She's been hit by it, but...

They're over the line at last!

We lost two Scouts, but it was a sacrifice worth making.

How was that?

It's quite exhausting, but not as exhausting as I thought.

Well done, mate. Come with me, I'll get you a glass of water.

-Come on.

-Ooh, your legs do feel a bit wobbly, actually.

They've turned to blubber.

A whaley, whaley good attempt there by a very wobbly Ed.

The whale's back to the start line and it's time for Team Iain!

-Iain could do all right at this.

-Yeah, but his Scouts look smaller.

Oh, they're off and running and they're heading for the crowd.

What's going to be their tactic? As they shoot through the crowd!

Coming out the other side and...

Where are they?

Oh, there they are! Come on, Iain!

-This side, this side, this side, this side, this side!

-How bossy!

He's obviously taking it very seriously. And they're off.

What's their tactic?

Oh, Iain's really leaning into it and going very fast.

-It's moving it quickly, but...

-You've lost a Scout already!

I think he's lost... Two Scouts down already, right at the start!

-He's just taking it too seriously.

-Get in!

You're all letting me down!

Listen! Listen to him.

Oh, and it's over the finish line!

That seemed quite fast but was it fast enough?

Are you all right down there? You lost a couple of Scouts as well.

I was the only one pushing!

No, there was one other one, I think.

She was doing that! Oh, man, that was hard.

-That seemed pretty quick to me.

-I need a drink of water.

I need a lie-down. You had loads of people all helping!

My team just went, "No, on you go, mate."

Maybe you were too strong for them. You just sent them flying.

Oh, guys...

How are your legs? How are your legs?

Come on, come for a walk.

ED LAUGHS

OK, Iain, I can tell you that you pulled the whale up in 49 seconds.

-That's good.

-Pretty fast!

-That's quick.

-I know!

But Iain actually pulled it up in 46 seconds,

which makes him the All Over The Place

Capstan Pull Winner! Congratulations!

Thank you, Captain Jenny. You're such a lovely lady.

In your face, man!

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

-I've gone off whales.

You've been watching All Over The Place Australia!