Postmen, Pigs and Dachshunds All Over the Place

Get set for an action-packed road trip with your CBBC buddies.

Ed works the catwalk - I mean dogwalk!

Yes, this dog is hot to trot.

Naomi works the dance floor.

-Ben wins the best haircut prize.

-Merci.

Michelle sports a massive pig.

Look! A massive pig!

Barney works out what dried coconut is actually made of.

-Dried coconut.

-Hacker and Dodge chillax.

Sam and Mark are all shook up.

-And Chris gets a date.

-Mmm, mmm.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# This stuff to do with Europe is totally ace

-# And it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

ED SIGHS

-You OK, Ed? Got a postcard from a pal?

-From Iain.

He's always going somewhere exotic in the world,

meeting new people, going to fantastic places.

He's got a nerve! While we're stuck here!

Where is the bearded Scotsman this time?

Southwaite Services, just off the M6.

And get this - he's in a hotel with a motorway view.

Some kids TV presenters get ALL the luck!

-So, where are we today then, Ed?

-Oh...

Just an exotic manmade palace in the south of France.

Right, let's get to work.

Those lucky devils! They never send ME a postcard!

But just look at this palace.

It was built by hand by one French postman - Ferdinand Cheval.

He was inspired by the exotic postcards and magazines he delivered.

So, he decided to build an exotic palace in his back garden.

And get this - it took him 33 years to complete.

If you think THAT'S a long time,

in 2015, a letter was delivered in France

138 years after it was posted!

Ed and Ben, you have 38 seconds

to find out as much as you can about postman Cheval's palace.

Ben, you have Yanine, who knows all about postman Cheval.

And Ed, you have Marie Jose, who knows all about the palace.

Whoever the finds out the most facts is the winner.

Trois, deux, un, allez!

OK, so when was postman Cheval born?

He was born in 1836.

Why did he build this palace?

I don't know. Perhaps because it was his dream.

When did he start building the palace?

When he was 43 years old in 1879.

What's it made out of?

-Er, stones, just stones and cement.

-Cement?

-Cement.

So, he was always a postman?

He also was a baker before he became a postman.

How many people come and visit it every year?

-Oh, a lot! More than...

-A lot? That's not good enough!

Did he live in the palace?

No, because it wasn't built to be lived in.

-Er...

-HORN BLARES

Oh, that's time. That's time!

-And the winner is...Ben!

-Yes!

You get to host a special edition of Grande Designs

with postman Cheval himself.

Let's meet designer, owner, builder, architect, plasterer,

artist and postman, Ferdinand Cheval.

-Bonjour. Shires, oui?

-Er...merci.

Mr Cheval, how on Earth did you come to build this magnificent structure?

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-Well, I stumbled across this interesting rock

one day on my post route. I call it my stumbling block.

BEN LAUGHS

I think to myself, "Hmm, interesting shape." I pick it up.

Playing it back, that was 1879 - the first of many rocks.

-Shires.

-Oui?

Ah. Merci.

So, let me guess, Mr Cheval - wildly over budget?

Non, I spent no money on materials.

I simply found the stones

and I push it all around in this - my trusty wheelbarrow.

Ah, by the way, monsieur, one more for you.

Bah.

Mr Cheval, I know you wanted to finish this in a few months.

-Did you run over schedule?

-It took me over 33 years.

-Right...

But, it's still a triumph and truly a grande design.

I have one more parcel for you.

So you can build your own palace.

Uh! Merci...

A grande design by a great man. Who doesn't like postmen anyway?

CAR ALARM BLARES

Ah, the smell of the bins on the breeze,

the melody of car alarms in the air...

What could spoil a summer's day in a great British alleyway, Hacks?

-Tch, I'll tell you what!

-Oh, no.

-One of them.

Yes, one of that lot coming down my manor and ruining my chill.

You know who I'm talking about. Postmen! Oh, they sicken me!

They put me right off my meat paste smoothie.

What have they ever done to you?

They come over here in their funny-looking clothes,

they stick their hands through our letterboxes

and deliver stuff covered in those gaudy stamps! Argh!

If one was to bowl up here,

I would not be responsible for my actions, yes.

Just calm yourself down, OK. There's no chance of any postman...

-Hello! Knock-knock. It's me, the postman.

-..turning up here.

What?! Woof, woof, woof! Now, get out of my grrr.

-What's wrong with him?

-I'm sorry about my brother.

-He's not a fan of your lot.

-Why?

Us postmen have been around as long as the Egyptian pyramids.

Even the Royal Mail's nearly 500 years old.

We deliver billions of pieces of mail every year.

Woof, woof, woof! Go away! Grrr, grrr! Arr, arr, arr!

-That doesn't really help.

-But we're the lifeblood of this country.

Hacks, it turns out you SHOULD like them.

Yeah, but woof, woof, woof,

I don't know why, bark, bark, bark,

I despise you filthy lot, woof, woof, I just do, howl.

Sorry, mate, he needs help.

Would it help if I told you that the first stamp, the Penny Black,

was introduced in 1840 by a man who did loads of good for the community,

called Sir Rowland Hill, and it cost one penny?

Woof, woof, woof, grr, grr, grr.

-No.

-What's he doing here, Dodge?

I can't stand his snivelling little face.

Get him out of here and his withered old legs!

I can't control him, I'm afraid.

I think it's best that you just leave.

But I've got a parcel here for a Hacker T Dog.

Woof, woof, that's me! How kind. Thank you. Ah.

What is it, Hacks?

Ooh, it's my order from Meatpasteonline.Vom.

-Look at that! Yum-yum!

-Hey, come back! What about me?

-Is there anything in that bag for me?

-Um...no.

Then there's just one thing I've got to say to you -

get out of it, scram, go on, stay away from my trashcan

and don't let me see you down this alleyway ever again!

DODGE SIGHS

-What a massive pig!

-I'm not a massive pig!

-Not you! Look! A massive pig!

-Whoa!

We're at the pig museum of Stuttgart, Germany.

Come on, let's go and have a look inside.

Oh, no. I'm about to go inside a pig museum.

I've just been eating a pork bratwurst.

Don't tell your mates, all right?

X FACTOR MUSIC

Erika, tell us why you are so fascinated with pigs?

-TRANSLATION:

-Well, that's a good question.

At some point in the past, I was given a gift which was a pig

and I fell in love with it and I found it lovely

and I wanted to have more pigs.

-And what's the biggest pig you've got here?

-Oh, it's enormous!

It's the tram that's standing outside.

I received it from the Swiss tram authority, lovely people,

who were able to give it away and now it's here and I own it.

All these pigs must take quite a lot of looking after.

-Do you need any help?

-Yeah, this place must be a pigsty!

-Come on, Ed, let's go and help clean up.

-Good idea.

Clearly you guys don't know that pigs are actually rather clean animals,

especially in Erika's museum, which has been open for five years.

But the weird thing about her museum

is it used to be a slaughterhouse for pigs!

Erika's collection is so big it fills three floors

and 25 rooms of the building.

There's not a spot of dust in sight.

But surely the biggest pig in Erika's collection

could do with a spring clean.

Ed, it's really clean here.

I thought pigs were meant to be filthy and disgusting.

No, they're quite clean animals.

They're very careful not to soil the areas where they eat and sleep.

What, so we've been sweating like pigs for nothing?

Pigs don't sweat either.

Oh, it seems I need to learn a bit more about pigs somehow.

Good idea, Michelle. Let's play Porky Pies.

Question one. Is this true or a porky pie?

Lie! A pig's squeal can be louder than a motorbike.

I'm not really sure what a pig's squeal sounds like.

ED SQUEALS LOUDLY

Or... Brrrm-brrrm.

The pig's squeal definitely sounded louder, so I'm going to go for true.

-It's correct!

-Yes!

-A motorbike is measured at 100 decibels

but a pig's squeal can be OVER 100 decibels!

You've won some bees and honey.

Money! There you go. Put that in your piggy bank.

There's a colony of swimming pigs that live on Big Major Cay Island

in the Caribbean - you know, where they play cricket.

Is that true or a porky pie?

-Lie.

-Swimming pigs?! I've never heard of that. I'd say porky pie.

Oh, er, no, it's true. Give us that.

What?! But that's more than you gave me in the first place!

-No, it's mine now.

-HE SNORTS

Pigs are used to produce pork, bacon, ham and chicken.

Is that true or is it a porky pie?

L... Do I have to keep doing this? Lie.

You could ask this guy.

TOY PIG SQUEAKS

-It's a porky pie.

-Correct.

Chicken's used to make chicken

but pigs are, indeed, used to make pork, ham and bacon.

You've won 2p. I've got it here somewhere...

There you go. Would you Adam and Eve it?

Believe it. You did very well, but I've got all your money.

Actually, I need somewhere to keep it. Give us that. Goodbye!

# This song is all about the boats About the boats

# In two museums

# And all about two blokes About two blokes

# Both Norwegians

# All about the blokes who sailed the boats

# So let's go see them

# All about the boats About the bo-bo-bo-bo-boats

# The first museum is called the Fram

# This boat was sailed by Amundsen

# All of his life he had a goal

# But he missed out being the first person to get to the North Pole

# So he took on a new expedition

# To drift across the Arctic Ocean

# Onto the Fram he did hop

# It measured under 40 metres from the bottom to the top

# He set off telling people he was going north but then

# He turned it round He turned it round

# Instead headed for the South Pole That was his secret plan

# A secret, secret, shh A secret, secret

# The Fram reached the furthest point south that a boat's ever been

# The Bay of Wales, the Bay of Wales

# He trekked to the South Pole Arrived there December 14

# So what about this boat? About this boat?

# The Kon-Tiki

# How on Earth did this one stay afloat?

# Looks pretty leaky

# The chances of survival quite remote

# Let's take a peeky

# All about this boat About this bo-bo-bo-bo-boat

# Thor Heyerdahl was an explorer

# Who was keen on ancient culture

# He wanted to prove his theory

# That the Polynesians' ancestors had sailed across the sea

# And so he built this out of logs

# And at a speed of just two knots

# He sailed across the Pacific

# Took 101 days, you've got to say that's quite a trip

# 8,000 kilometres is a long way on a raft

# Very, very, very, very

# And while on the journey they came across a massive shark

# Scary, scary, ooh, scary, scary

# Tried to cross the Atlantic on a reed boat called the Ra

# He didn't make it He didn't make it

# He rebuilt and tried again This time it sailed pretty far

# This song was all about the boats About the boats

# In their museums

# And all about two blokes About two blokes

# Both Norwegians

# All about the blokes who sailed the boats

# And now you've seen them

# You know all about the boats About the bo-bo-bo-bo-boats. #

-How do you do that?

-It's just a gift.

I wonder what the snow inside a snowglobe is made of.

-Dried coconut.

-Parmesan cheese?

Wow! Ed, it's actually snowing. Wow, these things ARE magic.

Ew! I doubt that the snowglobe's snow is made from Ed's smelly dandruff,

but we can certainly ask this guy.

This is Erwin III, who makes 200,000 snowglobes a year

and get this - it was HIS grandfather who invented them by accident

when he was trying to improve an electric light bulb 115 years ago.

In the first ever snowglobe, semolina was used to create the snowstorm

but now, the snow ingredient is strictly top secret.

And not only that,

how Erwin makes the snow magically fall is also hush-hush.

Maybe he'll reveal all if the boys do well in his globe-trotting challenge.

It's now time to find a snowglobe for the American president.

-I think they're ALL fit for a president, Erwin.

-Stop sucking up.

He's not going to help you. OK, fit for the president - go!

-Barney, I think I've found it! Erwin, is this it?

-Yes, it is!

-Oh!

-Wow!

-What's the story behind this then?

I made this snowglobe for President Obama's youngest daughter.

-She is a collector of snowglobes.

-That's amazing!

-So they've got a copy of one of these in the White House?

-Yeah.

-What's next?

-Try to find a snowglobe featured in a Hollywood film.

A snowglobe that's been in a movie.

-Well, there's no business like snow business.

-Come on.

-OK.

Mate, I've found it.

-The most famous movie ever made - Citizen Kane, right there.

-Ah!

-Am I right?

-Yes, it is!

-It's annoying that, isn't it?

-I quite like it.

-Barney's right.

Citizen Kane was recently voted the greatest American film ever,

even though it was made a staggering 74 years ago.

Best ask your granny.

You're not telling me your family made the snowglobe

-that was in Citizen Kane, are you?

-Yeah.

Have you made any other snowglobes for Hollywood films?

-Yeah, Home Alone and Edward Scissorhands.

-It's amazing.

-OK, what's next?

-Find the deadliest snowglobe.

-Deadliest?

-Yeah.

-I bet it's a snow leopard.

-Or the Abominable Snowman, urgh.

-No.

-No. There's a pig in that one.

-Oh.

-Ah, this could be it. Skull and crossbones.

-Yes!

-Is that what you were thinking of, Erwin?

-Yes, it is.

-Don't throw the confetti though.

-He threw it anyway.

-What's this snow made out of?

-It's my personal secret.

Oh, no, you can tell us. The camera's not on, is it?

-No, the camera's not filming. Go on, tell us.

-No, I don't tell you.

-I think if we keep asking we're going to end up like that.

-Oh, OK.

You guys didn't find out the secrets of the snowglobes,

but don't take it personally - Erwin hasn't even told his own daughter!

Oh, Barney, they've given us paintbrushes.

-This never normally ends well on this show.

-I love painting.

I've never painted a snowman before though.

There's a first time for everything.

Erwin's wife, Susan, hand paints 300 snowglobes a day.

-Better get a move on, boys.

-My snowman's had a nosebleed.

There are 350 regular styles

but if you want to pimp your very own snowglobe,

then you can choose from thousands of unusual designs.

I think I've found my calling. When the TV presenting work dries up,

I'm going to be Ed Petrie, snowglobe maker.

Ed Petrie and Sons - I'm going to join as well.

Technically, you're not my son, but why not?

-Can I have some pocket money?

-No.

-OK.

-And there we go.

Just ten minutes later, Barney and I have made our very own snowglobes.

-Actually it takes a whole week.

-It takes a...?

-Shh!

-Yeah.

-They'll cut that out.

-Yeah.

How cool would it be to live inside one of these snowglobes?

Mmm, I think it could be stressful. This guy looks a bit snowed under.

Snowed under! Get it?

MUSIC: Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow by Dean Martin

DOOR CLOSES

-Oh.

-Oh.

-I am SO bored!

-Eh, do you want to build a snowman?

-No, that's all we ever do. I'm tired of snowmen.

-Thank you very much!

It's not like we even COULD build a snowman

because this isn't real snow and HE isn't a real snowman.

-Oi, watch your mouth!

-I mean, look at this snowflake.

Real snowflakes are made up

of about 180 billion molecules of frozen water.

-But it looks like real snow.

-No, it doesn't.

These snowflakes all look the same.

Real snowflakes are all different, unique six-sided shapes -

beautiful, intricate beyond your wildest dreams.

-But it's white!

-Real snow isn't white.

It's colourless, actually.

It reflects all colours of light. It just looks white to our eyes.

Next you'll be telling me my carrot isn't orange!

It's not a real carrot.

-Eh, guys, it's not a snowflake, it's a snow-FAKE! Get it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, ha-ha, good one.

-Snowball fight?

No, not another snowball fight. Argh! Oh!

-Sorry.

-No, look, I'm sorry. It's me. I don't know.

I just wish things could be shaken up a bit around here sometimes.

-Well, careful what you wish for.

-Oh, no...

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

I love these things.

-Oh!

-MARK LAUGHS

Brilliant(!) Now I look like a fake snowman.

-Ooh, look, you dropped your nose.

-Oh, don't worry about it.

It's not a real carrot anyway... apparently.

-Don't even think about it.

-Oh...

-No!

-Oh...

-No!

-Oh...

THEY LAUGH

Whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

Ah, look at those two dachshunds.

It's funny, cos in Poland they're like the favourite dog

and their nickname is sausage dog. It's like a nickname.

But in Poland they really like sausage as well, so...

Although, as far as I'm aware, they don't eat sausage dogs.

Thanks for clarifying.

-Look at those guys.

-Yeah.

-They're eating hot dogs?

-Yeah.

-Better get out of the sun then.

-That's a good one!

Well, if all of these dogs are as funny as you two,

then the Krakow Dachshund March is going to be a bundle of laughs.

But if you called them dachshunds here, they'd totally ignore you

because a jamnik is Polish for dachshund.

As well as taking part in a march, jamnik can also enter a competition

which has three challenges - eating, doing tricks and walking.

Hang on - are they not dogs' favourite things anyway?

Maybe Gregor, the event organiser, can tell us more.

-We are looking for the perfect duo this year - master and his dog.

-OK.

-And how many dogs attend?

-300, 400.

-Wow!

-That's a lot.

-That's a lot of dachshunds.

-Wow, so what do we need to take part?

You'll need a dog.

Right, guys, you need to go find your perfect match to compete with.

Go, go, go!

-Oh, who's this?

-TRANSLATION:

-Well, this is Caramel.

Oh, hello, Caramel. Does he like dressing up?

Oh, yes, he loves to be dressed up and admired.

You see, he's a Mexican because he's very macho.

Mexicans are tough, very tough.

Wow, this is the coolest dog I've ever seen!

It's even wearing sunglasses. What's her name?

-TRANSLATION:

-This is Sonia. She is ten years old

-and she is a wire-haired dachshund.

-What's her degree in?

-Good question.

She is a professor and she graduated from the Academy of Taste

and her speciality is meat, especially little bits and pieces,

you know, good for her health.

Right, guys, now you've got your special dogs,

you're allowed to join in the march.

That's right, I've got a dog with a degree! Get your photos here.

People are loving it!

-Ah, we're being photobombed.

-How do you say, "Sit" in Polish?

-Siad.

Siad, siad, OK. Caramel, hello, siad.

You've learned some basics and you've got matching T-shirts.

It's time you guys got on that stage for the main event.

Points are given for the best pair sat on their derriere.

-If Professor Sonia jumps off your lap, it's game over, Ed.

-Siad!

Have you ever seen such good sitting in all your life?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Chris and Caramel, you're up.

Like we rehearsed, Caramel.

Siad.

Siad.

Siad.

Yeah, come on! No hands!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Perfect!

-No hands!

-Is that sitting?

-It is now.

-You're using your hand - that's cheating!

-Well...

-He used his hand!

Well, er... Yeah, I might have done.

Who's in front after Round 1? Is it Mexican Caramel or Professor Sonia?

She didn't study for all those years

not to have her qualifications recognised!

Ed's scores are in. 5, 5 and 5.

That makes 15. Full points.

-15. Wow, well done. Good girl.

-Paws crossed, Caramel.

-And for Chris, 5, 5 and 5.

-What?!

-It's cos we did it with style.

He used his hand. Surely that's not fair!

Points are given for the best strut down the catwalk.

Walkies! Walkies!

-A wee stumble there from Sonia.

-Let's do some trotting now.

-But she's picked it up on the home straight.

-This dog is hot to trot!

And here's Chris and Caramel. They've opted to flounce along the catwalk.

Oh, no! Wardrobe malfunction.

Hat fell off. This wasn't part of the plan.

-Oh, he's back on track.

-It's a dog on a mission.

Hat fell off. That's not very good, is it?

-It was a balance thing, all right?

-Don't see that on many catwalks.

-Ooh, the model's hat's fallen off.

-Shall we find out what points we got?

Ed's team's scores are in. 3, 4, 3.

Makes 10 points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And for Chris's team - 3, 5 and 4,

which makes 12 points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's a number!

-Oh!

-Can Professor Sonia add up defeat?

With Chris 2 points ahead, it's all to play for in Round 3.

The presenters will swap dogs

and see if they can make it back to the correct team.

Professor Sonia, I know you and Ed get on,

but if I give you three bones, will you lose this round?

-Oi, what are you saying to her?

-Just that she's got a lovely coat.

-Hmm.

-First to launch is Professor Sonia.

-Oh, Sonia, come into my arms.

Professor Sonia looks like she's going wide, Ed.

Oh, look, straight into my arms! Oh, true love! True love,, everyone.

What a beautiful moment.

Looks like Chris's dog isn't feeling very confident.

-Caramel's hiding under a chair.

-She's seen Ed's face.

-Here we go.

We mean business, this round. Gloves are off, sombrero's off.

Of course, most dogs won't be seen dead on a catwalk.

Come on, Caramel. Caramel.

Caramel. Hello...

-Oh, I think we call that a flyby, Chris!

-That dog left you hanging.

Should have put more deodorant on this morning. That's what it was.

Ed's team's scores are in. 3, 4 and 4.

-It's 11 points!

-3, 4, 4.

-Ooh, I'm pleased with that.

-It's not bad. Paws crossed, mate.

-Eurgh.

And for Chris's team, 4, 4 and 5,

-making 13 points!

-Hey!

-What?!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think they've got the dogs mixed up. They've got the dogs...

Eurgh, stop doing that!

Total score is 36 to Ed and 40 to Chris!

Ha-ha! Brilliant! Mmm, come here.

Oh, what? I saw your dog licking my dog's bum earlier.

Eurgh!

-Eurgh!

-And the winner is Chris. Congratulations.

Hey, thank you very much. Cheers. There you go, Caramel.

-Don't chew it too much.

-Turns out you were right, Chris.

She's not a professor after all. No wonder you lost, you fraud!

You've been watching All Over The Place: Europe!