Arnie, Impressionists and Wife Carrying All Over the Place

Are you ready for Europe's top talent,

the best in the business?

-Today, Ed's delivery is a bit cold.

-Oh, that is cold!

Michelle's got some bad habits.

Just spit it out, Ben.

Lauren has an idea.

If you want to make it big in Hollywood, you need a catchphrase.

Hacker and Dodge have got one up their sleeve.

Bread, do you want some bread?

Do you like to bread? Some bread? Bread?

Vic gets stage fright,

Sam and Mark's acting is a bit robotic.

Say what?

At least Naomi is always on it.

Can we have looked at the script, please?

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do in Europe that is totally ace

-# And it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

-So muscular, so ripped.

-Thanks, Lauren.

It's not easy maintaining a physique like this.

-No wonder he is so famous.

-Flattery will get you everywhere.

Oh, yeah.

I suppose I could stop training for a minute to pose for a photograph.

Ed, get out of the way!

I'm trying to take a picture of action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You know, The Terminator... "I'll be back."

Oh. Oh, right.

You were talking about that other muscular action hero.

-Ow!

-Oh-ho-ho!

Quick, Ed, take the weight off your feet or you'll miss out on all this.

A whole building dedicated to the Hollywood actor,

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He lived here as a kid before starring

in over 40 blockbuster movies and now the locals have turned his home

into a museum to say congratulations for being, well, Arnie!

But Arnie hasn't just been an actor all his life.

To find out more, let's play...

Was Arnie the governor of California?

Oh, look. Big desk, big chair.

Oh, and Ed, there's this guy.

-He must have been governor.

-BOTH:

-Arnie!

Did Arnie play a robot from the future sent back in time to

change the future?

Well, this isn't Arnie. It's a robot.

-No, but in The Terminator, Arnie actually played a robot.

-Oh.

-BOTH:

-Arnie!

Arnie or wasn't he the master of the universe?

Doesn't sound right. I don't think it's an Arnie.

Look, it's not master of the universe, it's Mr Universe,

three times!

That's the official title you win

if you are the best bodybuilder in the world.

-Check out the trophies.

-Wow!

Arnie's inspired me.

I want to stand around with massive muscles in only my pants.

I want to play the part of a crazy robot.

And one day I want to be the governor of, I don't know,

Rustington-on-Sea.

But if I'm going to achieve all this, I need a fast workout.

Ah, I've got just the thing.

-IMITATES ARNOLD:

-Come with me if you want to lift.

Arnie used to go to the gym so much that his dad actually banned him,

so he built this gym equipment in his own house.

Get pumping!

HE GRUNTS AND GROANS, CRACKING

Ah, me back.

At one time, Arnie's biceps used to be over 55cm.

That is bigger than my head.

Arnie is well known for his movie catchphrases,

and if you want to make it big in Hollywood, you need a catchphrase.

-IMITATES ARNOLD:

-I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

I can't see anything with these sunglasses on.

-Is this motorcycle even in here?

-Ed, you're sat on it.

And this is just like the one used in Terminator 2.

This is Arnie's childhood kitchen.

He knows that when you're exercising you need to eat healthily.

What are you making there, Arnie?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Nutritious.

But don't forget to treat yourself once in a while.

Who said you could touch my cookies?

Put the cookie down. Now!

Phew! I think I lost him.

I wonder what robots in the future will be like.

-DOOR CLOSES, TV PLAYS

-I'm hom...

This place is a tip. You are the worst servant droid ever.

All right, all right, don't get your knickers in a twist.

Well, maybe if you'd iron them like I asked you to they wouldn't be.

I'm not just here to make your life easier, you know.

That's exactly why you are here!

Which is why I've decided to replace you.

Say what?

I'm Samma 3000, ready for service.

While I was doing the shopping that you didn't do,

I decided to treat myself to a newer model.

-Oh, all right, so what's so good about him?

-Increased efficiency.

Better battery life.

And my processing power equals the world's most powerful

supercomputer in China.

A staggering 33.86 petaflops.

You don't know what that is, do you?

Oh, I know what a petaflop is, mate. It's when...

Quadrillions of calculations a second, yes.

What he said.

So, if you wouldn't mind packing your bags and, erm...

I can pack for you, if you like.

You can't talk to me like this.

My great-great-grandad, the first walking,

talking robot, Electra, he'd be turning in his grave...

if they hadn't have melted him.

You are robots. You haven't got feelings.

You're glorified coffee machines. Go on, hop it!

Glorified coffee machines?!

I'll have you know that us robots help humans with factory production,

military services, space exploration...

And medical procedures, prosthetic limbs,

underwater exploration,

working where there is a risk from chemicals, radioactivity

and even explosives.

Basically, thousands of tasks humans are unwilling

and incapable of doing.

High five to that!

So, maybe YOU should be making US a coffee.

Ey?

Nine sugars for me, please.

And as you can see, there's a lot of ironing to do. Crack on.

Crack on.

Ed! Ed!

Are you BREADY for our yummy food item?

Why are you in such a hurry?

Well, we KNEAD to get a move on.

That shop gets really busy. It's world famous, you know.

-Actually, I just bought us some lovely custard tarts.

-Mm.

Where did I put them?

Uh...

-Oh, there they are.

-Come on, Ed, let's get doing.

Looks like someone's got a soggy bottom.

Oh, dear.

Luckily for Victoria, this shop is like The Great Portuguese Bake Off -

every single day.

For the past 178 years, here in Belem,

they've made a type of gooey custard-filled tart called the...

So, what is so special about these little tarts?

These are the first pasteis de nata, pasteis de Belem in the world.

We made the first ones, the other ones are imitations, are just fake.

Do you just eat custard tarts all the time? Every meal, every day?

-Every day, yeah.

-Really, you have a custard tart every day?

-I would if I worked here.

-Definitely.

Do you know what? I've always quite fancied myself

as a bit a star baker.

-Would you show me how to make some of these?

-Come on.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I'll stay here. I've got an important job to do.

Europe's tastiest food. France's toughest critic.

He's better than you! It's...

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Time is ticking!

Only one of you will be crowned custard tart MasterChef.

The time to start baking...is now.

First up, the pastry.

What exactly are the ingredients in this?

Oh, I don't know, it's a secret.

What is the secret?

No, Ingles nao.

But I can tell you they have flour, eggs, butter, perhaps salt

and the secret ingredient, nobody knows.

You tell me secret-eh.

-Sicleta?

-Yeah, oui, the secret.

-What's the record, what's the most you have sold in one day?

-55,000.

Oh. Oh, I forgot, this is a talking competition, yes?

-Sicleta?

-The secret-eh.

Ah, yes, yes. Have a nice sit down, read a magazine, do some knitting!

-So, you remember those we made over there?

-Yeah.

They are filled with the custard, you see?

And then they are going straight to the oven.

And then it tastes delicious.

Time is ticking!

-So this is them done. They look delicious.

-Yes.

-When can we eat them?

-Soon enough. They have to cool a bit.

-Time is up! You have not finished your tarts!

-They're finished!

The tarts are finished? Your time is up.

Rene must now decide who will be crowned custard tart MasterChef.

It's all very tense.

Victoria Cook.

Your pastry looks like a child's shoe

and your custard looks like whale bogey.

HE GAGS

Bleurgh!

I will reserve judgment until I have tested the second tart.

Mrs Pastry Woman.

I do not like this.

I love it! Tre bien! Tre bien!

Mwah! Mwah! That's incredible!

Now clean this mess up.

We've come to Arles in the South of France to once again

demonstrate our talent as Impressionists.

Or should we say post-Impressionists, because two

of the greatest artists of all time once graced these streets.

-Vincent van Gogh and Paul Gauguin.

-Yes.

And not only were these legends great artists,

they were also great...

-BOTH:

-Friends.

FRIENDS-STYLE INTRO MUSIC PLAYS

# Bonjour, welcome to Arles I am Vincent van Gogh

# I'm famous for my paintings and chopping my ear off

# I am Paul Gauguin and I'm an artist too

# Vincent persuaded me coming here was what I should do

-BOTH:

-# I'll be there in Arles

# As the sky is bright and clear

# Because of the mistral

# It blows throughout the year

# Such nice weather so I

# Hang around and paint here

# And so for nine weeks back in 1888

# Stayed in the yellow house Oh, we were such great mates

# I painted scenes you can still see today

# And I painted a painting of him painting

# Not bad, eh?

-BOTH:

-# Painting here in Arles

# Cafe Terrace At Night

# Painting here in Arles

# By the Rhone Starry Night

# Painting here in Arles

# But the end was in sight

# Things took a turn for the worst Seems that we fell out

# No-one is really sure what it was all about

# Whatever happened It caused me to flee

# And I was left with a self-inflicted injury

# Painting here in Arles

# Seemed like a good idea

# Painting here in Arles

# Till I cut off my ear

# Painting here in Arles

# Think I'll get out of here

# I only sold one painting whilst I was alive

# Being an artist it was tricky to survive

# But since my death the prices have gone up a bit

# Six of them have sold for more than 30 million quid!

# Painting here in Arles

# Down in Provence

# Painting here in Arles

# With Van Gogh and Gauguin

# Painting here in Arles

# Didn't quite go to plan. #

You're quiet today, Michelle. Are you all right?

You've taken a vow of silence? Why?

Oh, cos we're visiting a monastery today.

You do know a vow of silence is optional, don't you?

You do know that.

And you know you're not a monk, so it doesn't apply to you anyway.

Oh, but you're doing it so you don't have to learn your lines.

-HE RAISES VOICE

-That's brilliant!

Sh! Oh, sorry. Sorry.

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

The Cistercian monks who lived here really did take vows...

HE WHISPERS ..of silence.

Although if they could talk, they might say...

HE CLEARS THROAT

HE IMITATES A MONK This is the Maulbronn Monastery

and it's over 850 years old.

It's in really good nick for something built in the 12th century.

In fact, it's one of the best-kept in the whole of Europe.

DEEP VOICE FROM ABOVE Ed and Michelle,

you have 24 seconds to find out as much as you can

about the Maulbronn Monastery.

Michelle, you have Barbara, who knows everything about monks.

Ed, you have Uta, who knows all about the monastery.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.

Drei, zwei, eins...dalli, dalli!

How long does it take to be a monk?

Around two and a half years.

-What's the biggest building?

-The church.

What do monks wear?

Erm, just habits.

And what's the smallest building?

Er, the fountain.

What colours do the habits need to be?

White and black.

-Is there a gift shop?

-Yes, a lot of gift shops.

And how tall do you have to be to be a monk?

Erm...size doesn't matter.

Ohh, I might buy myself a little, erm...

-TIMER BUZZES

-Oh!

Argh!

And the winner is...Michelle.

Yeah! I won the Battle of the Monks.

-I flunked being a monk.

-Yep. You're a novice.

-Or what they call a trainee monk.

-Oh, I never knew that.

If only there was some way I could find out more

about being a monk in the Middle Ages.

Hold on a minute, these are the wrong colour.

The monks here wore white and black robes.

Yes, but it's all I could get next-day delivery.

Get on with it!

DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

These robes smell nice and fresh. I love being clean.

Being clean is one of my favourite things.

Oh, don't get too used to it.

-In the Middle Ages, the monks only had a bath twice a year.

-What?

That's nothing. I'm going to stink.

-You stink.

-The monks used to put some of these nice-smelling herbs

up their noses to cover up the smell of other monks.

Or, you could just do this.

You should have a go.

You really do stink, you know.

Right, I need to write my All Over The Place blog.

-Where can I do that?

-Oh, you can do that here.

Monks were famous for their beautiful writing.

They used goose quill and ink to write

and it took a novice monk seven days per page.

Here's your quill, there's your parchment,

you can write your All Over The Place blog with that.

Oh, right. Erm...

Dear followers, Brother Michelle is being a real know-all

about how long it takes to write a page in a book.

I'll come back in a week once you've written your first bit.

She also smells.

That's it, Brother Ed. In, over - in, under.

This is pointless.

Why are we learning how to weave a basket anyway?

I mean, what's the point of a basket nowadays?

Well, in the Middle Ages, Brother Ed, they were really useful.

-Babies slept in them.

-And?

And they were used to carry stuff like fruits and vegetables

-in from the garden.

-And?

And when the vegetables were stored in the kitchen,

they were stored in the baskets.

They really did like their vegetables, didn't they?

Well, they had to. They were mostly vegetarian.

Although they did eat fish.

GREGORIAN CHANTING

Good evening, sir.

-HE SHOUTS

-You all right, cockers!

Welcome to the monastery.

Voila. Our 'bark' to basics menu, sir.

Thanks.

-Hang on...there's nothing on this.

-Yeah, I know.

Eh, you've heard of fast food, right?

This is fasting food. Do you get it?

No. Seriously, I'm really very hungry, please.

Well, I guess we could do you some bread.

We've got bread, do you want some bread? Do you like bread?

-Some bread? Bread?

-Is it nice bread?

-Coarse.

-Oh, all right, then.

No, it's coarse - as in, rougher than me bum.

Get that down you. Cheers, cocker.

Oh.

LOUD CRUNCH

Ah!

Ah! Look, look.

Oh, it went everywhere that. What were you going to say?

I can't eat this.

-There must be something else I'm allowed to eat.

-Stewed eels.

-I'd rather have a steak.

-Frog, sir.

I'd definitely rather have a steak.

It's a monastery, you ain't going to get a steak.

That's way 'nuff luxuriousness-ness.

Please, a nice big juicy steak.

Hey, don't touch him!

All right, seeing as it's a Friday, we can do a nice bit of fish.

-What sort of fish?

-A steaky sort of fish.

Oh, sounds yummy.

I'll just get it.

He's just getting it.

Oh, yes.

Um, nice fish.

-You'd never know it was beaver, would you?

-You wouldn't, no.

-Ooh!

How is a beaver a fish?

It can swim, it lives in water, it's wet - it's a fish.

Yeah, like a goose or a puffin.

-They're not fish.

-They are if you're a monk who can only eat fish.

-Look, if you don't want it, I'll have it.

-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

OK...beaver it is then.

Would sir like a little wine to go with it?

Oh, thanks.

HE CLEARS THROAT AND WHINES

Do you get it? It's a good joke, isn't it? He's whining. Do you see?

This is Marrying Mum And Dad.

Where you get to organise your parents' wedding.

You're in control, you can do whatever you want.

Hang on, Ed, I thought this was All Over The Place,

not the other amazing CBBC show that we present?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure the script says something about marrying mum and dad.

I thought so too. Can we have a look at a script please?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. It's that bit there.

"Voiceover man says,

'Ed and Naomi will be taking part in Carrying Mum and Dad."

Oh, carrying.

Oh, not marrying.

Oh, that'll explain why we're slung over the backs of these two blokes.

Yeah. I did wonder.

Oi, you two! Stop reading my lines!

You are here to take part in Carrying Mum and Dad.

That's cos we're at the World Wife Carrying Championships.

Couples have been making a splash here for the last 20 years

and people come from all over the world to have a go.

You don't need to be married, or even actually a couple, to take part.

You just need to be bonkers enough to want to do it.

Talking of which, where did Ed and Naomi get to?

-Oh, no. Don't run in there.

-They're going straight into that water?

-Ah!

-Her head's gone under the water!

Her face is in the water.

HE LAUGHS

It's not like you two to be speechless.

Couples must race round the 253.5m obstacle course.

First up, you have to go through a chest-deep pool of water.

Ohh! That looks like fun!

Next, you sprint to a log hurdle then sprint on to a second log hurdle

and then one more sprint to the finish line.

Just don't try carrying your sister, mum, wife

or indeed anyone else like this,

or you could really hurt your back, your head, your knee, your elbows...

-I couldn't carry my shopping around that course.

-No way.

-We must be being carried.

-I hope so.

Well, it's Carrying Mum and Dad, isn't it? So...

Yeah. Maybe your mum and I'm dad.

-But then who's doing the carrying?

-Oh!

Luckily for you two, you are being carried.

You're even being carried by two world champions.

They're one half of the winning line-up

in the team wife carrying competition,

so you're in safe hands.

They're going to carry you in our special

All Over The Place Carrying Mum and Dad race.

I hope they've still got enough energy to carry you

after already running the course.

-I think Mika's got enough energy all right.

-Yeah.

I'm a bit worried about this water obstacle.

Have you got any survival tips?

TRANSLATION: Yeah, just hold your breath

and try to keep your head above water.

-That sounds like good advice, doesn't it?

-Hm.

And is this the best way to be carried?

Well, I can show you some other styles of carrying.

-OK.

-Wait for me.

There are different ways you might be carried during the race.

It's traditional and keeps that head way out of the water.

The Estonian means you get dangled upside down

on the back of the carrier.

You better hope they've not had beans for lunch.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

For that sideways point of view on the race.

And of course, you can always freestyle

and create a new style of your own.

Maybe best stick to one of the others, though.

I'm sort of...thinking I'm going to wimp out and go piggyback.

What about you?

I want to do the Estonian but I'm really scared.

I've got that standard main event feeling of,

I just want to be sick and not do it.

I've felt that feeling many, many times on this show.

And it never fails to make me happy, Ed.

Maybe a walk will help ease your anxieties.

I'm going to see how cold it is.

What we're letting ourselves in for.

Oh, you're joking! That's freezing!

-What do you do?

-You should know how to swim,

it would be a good thing

but I think there are some people who can actually revive you

-from that, if you...

-Oh.

-I feel much better now.

-How do you handle the water? Do you just hold your breath?

-Yes.

-For as long as you can?

-Like...

And then I push myself up.

You push yourself up on his back?

-Ah, my back!

-They're going to have their work cut out.

-Someone's got to carry you.

-I know.

I tell you what, that'll be quite refreshing actually,

cos I'm normally the one that carries you,

so it'll make a nice change.

Oh, I've been burnt. Someone call a doctor.

Oh, you have been burnt. That was a sore one!

And I'm sure the race won't hurt as much as that...or will it?

Remember, Ed and Joni and Naomi and Mika

have to race through one water obstacle

and over two logs to complete this 253.5m course

in the fastest time possible.

Let's hope they don't take a tumble.

-Don't drop me.

-No, I don't.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-I can't speak, I'm too scared.

-Oh, I hate this show sometimes.

-SHE LAUGHS

Good luck.

Oh, no! I'm so scared!

Well, there's no 'backing' out now.

Three, two, one... Go!

Ah!

And they're off. Mika and Joni are heading towards the first obstacle.

It's time to get wet! Heads up, Naomi! Heads up!

Oh, that's cold!

Oh, it's all gone up my nose. Ah!

Ed and Joni are slightly in the lead as they exit the water.

You're doing really well. You're Superman. You are.

You're Superman.

And both teams are flying towards the second obstacle.

We can take them at the log.

Oh, oh, and Naomi edges in front.

Can Team Ed pull them back?

Yeah, Joni, you're doing really well!

Get them, go get them! For Finland!

Oh, Naomi and Mika are in the lead after the first log.

It's looking good for them.

You're doing really well, I'm so heavy.

Remember, I'm loads heavier than her.

-You're doing really well here.

-But Team Ed are hot on their heels

as they go round the bend.

It's usually me Ed drives round the bend.

Come on, Joni. Go, Joni!

Team Naomi coming up fast on log number two.

Can Team Ed catch them?

Come on, Mika! You can do it! Come on.

Must...beat...Ed.

Ah!

Team Naomi are on the home straight and across the line. It's victory!

Oh!

But what an effort by Joni and Ed. Great work by both teams.

Oh, wow, you're amazing!

You're 100 times the man I'll ever be.

Wow!

TRANSLATION: And the winner is...Naomi!

Yes! Thank you very much.

In your face. Won a main event against Ed Petrie.

It feels so good! Yeah!

-I think she's got a bit carried away.

-Woohoo!

You've been watching All Over The Place Europe.

CAR HORN BEEPS