Salt, Waterslides and Storks All Over the Place

Grab your passport and pack some pants,

cos you're coming on a trip around Europe.

Ed gets in a flap.

Hacker and Dodger nil impressed.

-Ah, rubbish.

-Boring.

-Get off.

Chris gets peckish.

Would you stop licking the walls?

Vic's proper perfect with a plank.

Lauren makes the final of the Birdie Dance.

I'm actually quite nervous.

Johnny discovers he's on the wrong tube.

HE SCREAMS

And all this excitement is too much for Barney.

-Barney!

-What?

# All over the place, all over the place

# North, South, East, West on a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true

# All over the place, all over the place

# There's stuff to do in Europe and it's totally ace

# And it turns up all over the place! #

Eddie, darling, I love what you've done with the place.

-Thank you, Chris, thank you.

-The acoustics are incredible.

-It sounds amazing.

-Yeah, they do, they do.

-Who is your interior decorator?

-Oh, some miners.

It took them a few hundred years but it was totally worth it.

You've gone for the whole "no windows" thing as well.

Well, I just thought, "Windows? They're so 2012, aren't they?"

-And of course this is a salt mine.

-What?

-Yes, it's a salt mine.

Everything's made of salt.

The floors, the ceiling,

the chandeliers, the walls.

The walls are made of salt?

You're not wrong. They are.

Tastefully done.

Did you just lick the wall?

Stop worrying, Ed, it's totally fine to lick the walls in here,

because salt kills germs,

and, anyway, the miners who worked here at Wieliczka salt mine

must've been pretty healthy, because they managed to dig 327 metres

underground, which is the same height as the Eiffel Tower.

When they went digging for stuff,

the miners carved salt statues.

They stopped mining here over 50 years ago

and it is now one of Poland's biggest tourist attractions.

Ed and Chris, you have 33 seconds to find out as much

as you can about the Wieliczka salt mine.

Ed, you have Marek, who knows everything about the salt mine.

Chris, you have Patrycja, who knows all about the miners.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.

Trzy, dwa, jeden, start!

-How old is the mine?

-Very old, more than 700 years.

-700 years?

That is an old mine.

How many people used to work down these mines?

At the peak, about 2,000 people.

How many people visit a year?

Over one million.

-Did horses work down here?

-Yes, and they lived here.

What's your favourite flavour of crisps?

-Crunchy.

-Not salt?

-If people are eating chips down here, what do they put on it?

-Salt.

-Who is this?

-This is astronomer Copernicus.

KLAXON

Out of time.

-And the winner is Ed!

-Oh, yes.

I've definitely proved I'm worth my salt.

-All right, don't rub salt in the wound.

-Shall we have a look around?

Yes.

Ed, we need to get Snow White on the phone, the dwarves have gone rogue.

They're working in a salt mine in Poland.

No, these aren't Snow White's dwarves.

They are good salt spirits. That guy is pushing a barrel.

That one is chopping wood so that the shaft doesn't fall down.

-What about him? He's just stood there grinning.

-He's welcoming people.

-That's a proper job, is it?

-Says the TV presenter.

Would you stop licking the walls? It's not normal.

What a lovely boat ride.

It wasn't lovely for seven soldiers who took this ride 100 years ago.

The boat capsized and the salt water was so buoyant that they

couldn't swim out and they all suffocated and died.

Great, and now I'm terrified, thanks for that.

Relax, Chris, it's only a gentle boat ride.

On the other lake, because there are two down here,

a Polish sailor actually windsurfed from one side to the other. How?

-With a massive wind machine, of course.

-Salt is amazing, isn't it?

-So many uses.

-I know.

I can't think of anyone who couldn't appreciate salt.

Morning, and salt-utations, my good man.

Here we are, spending our day in the salt mine.

I'm afraid, sir, you are going to

have to answer a few questions before I can let you in.

No problemo,

you wouldn't want to let somebody through in allegiance to pepper.

Indeed, sir. Mind you, they have been sniffing around for years

trying to get the secret to our success.

There's nothing unsavoury about me, I'm salt through and through.

Question one, what is the only known edible rock?

Well, it's not pepper, which grows beautifully on a vine. It's salt.

Correct.

In the Middle Ages, what was used to preserve meat and became

so valuable that they referred to it as white gold?

Well, there's white pepper, along with green pepper and black pepper,

all from the same plant.

-It's...salt.

-Correct.

And finally, up until the 20th century, what was used as currency

in a place known as Abyssinia, which is now called Ethiopia?

I don't know, do I? You know what it should have been? Pepper!

Because pepper is the world's most popular spice.

No, it's definitely salt.

Wait a salt-mining second. You're a pepper spy! I'm going to report you.

-Don't make me grind this.

-Not the pepper, sir.

It contains an incredibly powerful alkaloid called pepperine

which can seriously irritate the nerve endings within my mucous membrane.

-It'll irritate my nose, basically...

-That's right, it's sneezing time.

..if it weren't for the fact that the air here is free of viruses,

bacteria and pollutants.

There's a microclimate which helps aid the suffering

of those with breathing difficulties and allergies.

-Don't tell me. It's because of all the...salt.

-Yes.

It's the salt, it's one of its properties.

Well, I'll be back, you haven't seen the last of me.

Actually, can I have that back,

-my wife will be terribly angry.

-Of course.

-Psst, Barney.

-Not now, madam, I'm busy.

-Barney, it's me.

-Ed Petrie off the telly.

-Where did you find such a brilliant disguise?

-At the Nonseum over there.

-It's full of useless inventions like this.

-Let's go.

Hang on, I've got my high heels stuck.

Luckily, I've got my high-heel stopper right here.

That might be the least of your problems.

We can't cross the road. Look how busy the traffic is.

Luckily, I've got this.

That is genius. Off we go. Thank you.

The whole point of the museum is to have useless inventions.

At the moment, we're sitting at a sheep counting machine.

It helps you to fall asleep.

I'm not sure it would help me fall asleep, it's quite noisy.

But it seems to have worked on Barney here. Barney!

What? Who are you?

-Hey! All right, Ed?

-The gift that keeps on giving.

-Can we have a look around?

-Sure.

Anyone can display a useless invention here as long as it

meets the strict criteria.

It must be useless and fun.

Why does this place exist?

Because my dad and a couple of his friends had this great idea

to build lots of inventions that nobody needs.

They also did a lot of crazy events around the village.

Think about it, Mum serves soup, you don't like it. "Mum, I don't want this any more."

You actually need one of these if you come

round my house for dinner, because I'm a terrible cook.

With so many pointless inventions under one roof,

surely someone could find a use for them.

Useless, rubbish and stupid,

immature, ineffective and impractical.

No, it's not Barney Harwood's school report, it's a

brand-new quiz that I've invented called Useless Points.

The catch is that you have to try and win as few points as possible.

Doesn't that sound like the show that's already on TV?

You know, Pointless.

This is my mate Dicky Osmond

and he's going to be helping me with the questions.

Right, Barney, you've got five seconds to come up with

the most useless function for these items.

The more unlikely your answer, the fewer points you get.

Oh, so I'm trying to get it wrong.

I'll think of the first thing that comes into my head.

I think it's a mechanical nose picker.

Oh, dear, right first time. It is a mechanical nose picker.

Anyway, how many points did you get?

Oh, dear, 100 points. That's not very good, is it, Dicky?

You've got 3.5 seconds to tell me

what you think these miniature hanging sacks are for.

They are sleeping bags for bats.

Ohhh, yes, I'm afraid they are sleeping bags for bats.

Imagine trying to put a bat in one of those.

Let's find out how many points you've got.

-How many points has he got, Dicky?

-ED MUMBLES IN HIGH PITCH

-A million?!

-Wow, that's good, innit?

No.

Finally, it's the sudden death puzzle round.

ED YELPS ANXIOUSLY

It's OK, Dicky, calm down.

You and I go head-to-head to decide the winner by playing this

puzzle for beginners.

Heads, I go first.

-No, wait...

-Shhh.

-..you didn't even...toss a coin.

-What do you think, Dicky?

-ED MUMBLES IN HIGH PITCH

OK, it's unconventional, but I'll go with it.

Oh, I've done it. What a shame. How many points does he get?

ED SQUEAKS

Three million? Ooh, dear.

Well, you don't win anything because there's no prizes on this show.

-ED SQUEAKS

-What's that?

You feel sorry for him, Dicky?

I don't. Goodbye.

# You want thrills

# You want to play

# Then you're in the right place today

# Welcome to Slovakia

# The aqua park Tatralandia. #

# Water park in the Liptov region

# Open for business in all four seasons

# 14 pools and 26 slides

# Punters come from far and wide

# Surely in winter it has to close

# That time of the year you'd need to wear more clothes

# Truth is the attraction here's eternal

# The water they use for the slides is thermal

# Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow

# It's warm, but how, but how, but how?

# Well, listen up, I'll tell you now

# Got no chills

# No chills today

# Using thermal springs is the way

# Rises up beneath our feet

# At a temperature of 60 degrees

# This is the boomerang raft

-# Fancy a go?

-Do I look that daft?

# Incredibly steep with a cool U-ramp

# It's not for me I don't like to get damp

# What about this, the trio ride?

# A covered tube like being inside

# Ride the water on a big inflatable

# Not for me, mate, I'll see you later-ble

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

# Jump on, jump on, jump on, jump on

# Suppose I have got my trunks on

# Here we go! #

Aaaah!

THEY LAUGH

# In our trunks

# In our...trunks

# Freefall is the king of rides

# Officially Slovakia's steepest slide

# Experience the gravity-free state

# You know what, I'm all right, mate

# To go on this you need real conviction

# Oh, look, sadly there's a height restriction

# You're easily taller than 1 metre 40

# Get off your knees and stop being naughty

# Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man

# Not sure I can, I can, I can

-# Do I have to?

-That was the plan

# We can't run, we can't hide

# Time to take on this giant water slide

# Feeling brave

# Good luck, my friend

# Tell you what, I'll see you at the other end. #

Huh?

HE SCREAMS

Special Branch, reporting to duty.

I've got a heads-up on a new sport,

heads and shoulders above the rest, over.

Wye aye, Ed, it looks proper mint.

It appears to be a plank-balancing sport of some description.

I advise to approach with caution and engage, over.

I cannae wait to have a go!

LOUD SPLASH

Vic, that's the wrong way!

Get out on the river! Leave those people alone! It's the plank thing!

Oh, dear, I think Vic has got the wrong end of the stick.

This is wood head or woodkopf. It was invented here in Prague in 1992.

For now, the current world champion is this man, Antonin.

Surely he must know what on Earth's going on.

Antonin, why are you balancing a plank of wood on your head?

Because I'm playing woodkopf.

So how do you actually play it?

You have a plank of wood on your head

and you are trying to knock off the opponent's wood from his head

using only the plank.

You cannot touch his wood by the hand or any other part of your body.

It sounds quite tricky, actually.

Rules of woodkopf with the AOTP guys.

Regulation planks are measured at 200cm x 16cm x 2cm.

Right on, Vic!

Two competitors must go head-to-head in this game.

The referee shouts "Ready" and begins by shouting "Wood!"

Remember, no physical contact is allowed in this sport

or it is an early bath for the big guy.

When the wood falls on the ground, the victor wins one point.

If Eddie's big feet are outside the line, he's out.

-Go, Vic! Well done, Team AOTP!

-CHEERING

With the rules sorted, they reckon woodkopf could be an Olympic sport

by the year 2224, over 200 years away.

They even have a national anthem,

so please be upstanding for the national anthem of woodkopf!

THEY SING IN CZECH

From head-slapping to head-to-head,

it's Ed versus Vic in the battle of the boards,

the showdown of the shelves,

the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

I'm taking you to the sawmill!

-Wood!

-Don't try this at home. Only a plank would do that.

-Don't get under me! I know your game.

-I'm going to get you!

Oh, oh! Aaaah!

Oh, and Vic gets the early head start. 1-0.

Wood.

-I'm getting under your plank, Ed!

-Don't get under my plank!

-Aah!

-Aah!

-Would you believe it? Ed keeps the head, 1-1!

-Wood.

-Wood.

Vic goes low, lands a blow...

and takes the win! SHE HUMS

Three words I didn't want to hear being said to you,

-"You're the winner."

-Get in!

-And the winner is Victoria.

-Yay! Thanks, Antonin!

And the loser is Ed.

Oh, I see, it's got a ribbon on it so I can keep it on my head

cos I'm so rubbish.

Well, I don't care if I'm a loser.

I'm still backing woodkopf for the Olympics in 200 years' time.

I think it's a great sport.

I think running and jumping is going to be a thing of the past

cos this is mint!

Wotcha, duckies.

Welcome back to more live coverage of the 2224 Olympic qualifiers.

I'm Sue Barker-Woof.

And I'm Clare Bulldog-ring. Grrr.

Coming up, we've got the triple pump.

PFFRT, PFFRT, PFFFRRT!

That's not an Olympic event yet but someone who knows all about it

is British medal hopeful Boris Bagshaw.

You all right, Boris?

No, I'm not!

I've been trying to qualify for the Olympic Games for 200 years

and this is my last attempt.

-So why have you dressed up as a creepy old clown?

-Good question.

Oh, you cheeky young rascal.

I'm dressed like this so that I can try out some new sports.

Haven't they already got enough events this year?

Well, always room for one more, eh?

I mean, in the Athens Games of 1896 there was only 43 events,

but in the London Olympics 2012 there were 304,

so now it's 2224,

I reckon one of my new sports will definitely get me in.

I've got a horrible feeling he's going to show us

-what he's come up with.

-Yeah.

Synchronised underwater badminton!

WATER HISSES

-Nah, rubbish!

-Boring!

-Get off.

-Domino wrestling!

THEY GASP

-Aaaaargh!

-LOUD THUD

Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there, me old cocker. We are not impressed.

-Those sports are all daft.

-Daft.

-You want to hear daft?

-Yes.

-Yes.

In the Athens Games in 1896, they had rope climbing

and a swimming race just for Greek sailors.

And in Paris in 1900, they had a tug-of-war!

All right, all right, keep your goggles on, sunshine.

But can I just check,

your silly sports have all got an international federation?

And been recognised by the International Olympic Committee?

Um...

-No.

-Ha.

BUT who could turn down the Swiss-invented game

of cowpat golf?

-BOTH:

-Cowpat golf?!

Fore!

LOUD SPLAT

-Ooh, it's right on your head!

-Oh, no. Oh, will you stop it?

I've just had my hair done.

-This is the worst Games ever.

-Oh, it stinks.

It's still warm.

Hello, I'm Edward Attenborough-Petrie

and this is the white stork,

a stately bird with an orange bill and lanky legs.

Majestic-looking creatures.

LOUD SQUELCH

Unless they've just pooed down said legs.

Eurgh. Here in Velika Polona, people are stork raving mad.

They love these birds so much that they've invented

a completely bonkers event in their honour called the Storksy.

All the competitors have to do is flap their way

along this 100-metre zip line to reach a nest at the other side.

Storks are launched on their way by two helpers

and the winner is the bird on the wire that's travelled the furthest.

If you think that sounds easy, then think again,

because only a few people have ever managed

to get all the way to the end.

LAUGHING: Looks like Lauren's hanging out with these storks

to try and get a head start.

And people think being a TV presenter is a glamorous job.

Right, what tips did you get off those other storks?

Didn't really. I couldn't understand what they were saying.

Is that cos storks communicate by rattling their beaks?

No, it was because they were speaking Slovenian.

Oh, that could be another good reason.

Getting tips, though, sounds like a good idea. Time to fly.

And there's one high-flyer who's got the lowdown on this event.

It's Damijan, the town's mayor.

Ed, what are you doing up there?

Uh...

I was trying to get some sneaky practice in and it went a bit wrong.

-You're going to have to do the interview from up there, then.

-Ugh.

So why is this event held here?

We promote the protection of the storks

and also to promote the storks' habitat in Slovenia.

-So this is where the storks come, is it?

-Yes.

Why do you put people on a zip wire?

This is the symbol for flying storks from Slovenia to Africa.

Right, and how long is this one?

-Around 100 metres.

-Excellent. Let's go, then.

Uh, guys? I think you've forgotten something. I... Oh.

LAUGHING: It looks like Ed is not going to be doing

too much travelling. Well, the real word is migrating.

This is when white storks fly from Africa to Europe every spring

so they can feed on insects and breed.

Believe it or not, this journey is a round trip of up to 20,000km.

That's like flying halfway round the world.

All Ed and Lauren have to do is fly 100 metres,

but something tells me even that might be tricky.

Time for some training.

First up - frog feeding.

The rules - pick up foam frogs and drop them in the bucket.

Yes! Team Frogs!

Go, go, go!

-Oh, my spike's faulty.

-This is so slow!

There you go, little chicks.

Quicker! Really slow.

Why is he running like that? That's not going to help, is it?

Do you think this is going to catch on as a spectator sport, Lauren?

No, they look absolutely bored.

You need to be quicker! Quick!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Five people in the crowd are applauding. They're all asleep.

Mm, not so much of a warm-up as a cool-down.

-That was so...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-That was so slow.

-Aah!

Lauren's warm-up could end in disaster

if she can't control her beak.

Go, go, go!

I'm so much better than Ed already.

Yes, I've got it. That was a quick one.

ED LAUGHS

Stop laughing!

Yes!

SHE GROANS

Well, Lauren seems to be faster on her feet at the frog feeding.

But, she still hasn't got control of that bill.

How many people have you hit with your bill so far, Lauren?

I'm going to say approximately 20 people

have felt the wrath of my bill.

Ed and Lauren have migrated to the stork launchpad

in preparation for the main event.

This is the VIS section. Very important storks.

Keep it down at the front!

And the champ is first up.

You guys should pay attention and see the master in flight.

What that guy does not know about zip-lining

and dressing up as a stork ain't worth knowing.

So this is the highly sophisticated launchpad, a chair.

Very reassuring.

Remember there are two team-mates down below with a rope

ready to launch them along the zip line.

The nearest stork to the nest wins.

Whoa! Bon voyage!

Wow! He's swift! He's not a swift, he's a stork.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

He made it all the way to the end, look!

That's amazing! How did he do that?!

He has got skills.

Big-time stork skills.

All the way to the end means 100 metres.

Most of the teams have travelled between 50 and 80 metres.

Now, for the moment of truth.

Lauren's up first.

I'm actually quite nervous.

It's high! It's high!

Yeah, you are quite high up there.

SHE SCREAMS

Don't laugh! This doesn't look very good, it's loose!

Don't worry, Lauren, it's been stork flight-tested.

-Should it be...? Should it be that loose?

-Yes.

Now fly like a stork!

Stop laughing!

She's off to a good start.

A nice straight launch.

She's using the breaststroke.

But it's thrown her off course.

Where's she going?!

Oh, no!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, that is close. That is very close.

This is the worst!

CROWD CHEERS

Actually, Lauren, it's a very respectable 60 metres!

Next up, Ed. He's taller and heavier than Lauren.

Will that count against him?

Ed, how are you feeling?

-A bit weird.

-You look weird.

I was going to flap but I think I'm going to put my hand down my side.

Whaaaa!

And he's off! He's already clocking up some serious air miles.

Keep going, Ed! Come on, come on!

Ed's ditched the breaststroke in favour of the doggy paddle.

CROWD CHEERS

Oh! Didn't make it to the nest!

Has Lauren's serious flapping around

on the wire given her the edge?

Or has Ed's straight-as-a-toothpick flight style pushed him in front?

It's time to find out who's stork and who's dork.

Mr Mayor, we really want to find out who's the winner.

-Lauren, you have been really good.

-Yeah?

-Around 60 metres.

-Yeah?

-But unfortunately Ed was better. 80 metres.

-Yeah!

-Congratulations.

-That is so unfair.

I BEAK you! I BEAK you!

-You can't say "I beak you".

-I can!

It's a stork pun, deal with it.

You've been watching All Over The Place Europe!