Gladiator Battle in Croatia All Over the Place

'If you want to see Naomi and I battle it out as the

'toughest Roman gladiators in history, keep watching. Roar!'

I'm out of breath already.

'Ed the Gladiator? Sounds a bit bonkers.

'A bit like this bunch.

'Michelle's in the middle of a mountain.

-'Iain gets a smelly surprise.'

-PRRRP!

-'Hacker and Dodge prepare to party.'

-Could not be more ready.

-'Johny thinks he's in...'

-Mexico!

-'Naomi prepares for battle.'

-I've got an itch on my shin.

'And Chris is a mermaid?!'

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do in Europe that is totally ace

-# And it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

First today, we're off to Spain, Barcelona, which has the

largest football stadium in Europe,

the Nou Camp. It seats over 99,000 people!

Visca Barca, Visca Barca... Ed, get into it, mate!

Are you not excited about bringing some souvenirs

back for your family from sunny Spain?

Yeah, but I wouldn't get too excited about the whole football

-thing today.

-Whoa, so you mean we're not going to the Nou Camp? Yeah?

-Home of FC Barcelona?

-I'm afraid not, Iain.

There was a mistake in the script.

Look, am I going to get to meet my favourite Barcelona player, Messi?

Ah - well, don't worry, you can meet him. Kind of. Come on.

Ed and Iain aren't visiting the Nou Camp - this place is

more like the POO camp. These are called caganer models,

and, on the face of it, they look like fun figurines

made and painted near Barcelona.

But this Catalan workshop has a smelly secret, because "caganer"

-translates as "poopers".

-PRRRP!

Someone will have to get to the bottom of this.

Sergi, what kind of business are you running here?

There's loads of people out there doing their...business.

What's going on?

-TRANSLATION:

-This is a caganer. It's typical here in Catalonia.

We put it in the nativity scene at Christmas.

You heard right...

It's not just toilet humour!

In the past, peasants used to do the toilet in the fields,

and that led to a good harvest in the country.

This has been passed on to the nativity scene where,

for a whole month, parents and children play at hiding the caganer.

How many models do you have in the workshop?

We make 350 figurines.

We make more every year because the children and adults ask us for more.

Everything from cartoon characters, politicians, football players...

You've got footballers? So I can find Messi round here?

Yes, there's one in the shop. If you like, we can go and get it.

I don't think Messi wears a kilt, Iain.

Nope, that's not him either.

Ah, there he is!

We've done it. We've found Messi. And true to his word, "awfie messy".

Well, how about I make you a "stinky Stirling"?

-And I'll make you a "pooping Petrie".

-Deal.

-I present our surprise. This is a new caganers. This is Ed...

-Yes.

And you paint it, Iain. And this is Iain, and you paint it, Ed.

Perfect. I've got my pooping Petrie.

I've got my stinky Stirling. You read our minds.

-Thank you, let's get painting.

-Exactly what we wanted.

-I'm painting Iain Stirling's backside.

-Hurry up, boys,

it'll be Christmas by the time you finish.

Here, Ed. I'm just painting your bottom as well.

Oh, no, wait, that's your face.

Oh, Iain. I love the magic of television.

Everyone's going to think we painted these ourselves.

Yeah. People that watch telly are so stupid.

You're not fooling anyone, you poo. Sorry, "two".

Never met them in my life before. We are missing one vital ingredient, Ed.

Oh, yes. Otherwise it's just a statue

of Iain Stirling pulling a moony.

And with a bit of help from the professionals,

a pooping Petrie and a stinky Stirling, ready for the nativity.

I wonder what other weird traditional gifts

people give at Christmas.

You boys ready?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Yes.

-Can't wait, ready to go.

Could not be more ready.

Ready for what?

The Big, Big Cheese's big, big Christmas party.

-Have you got her a present?

-Oh, yes. 100%, yes. Very much so.

Actually, thinking about it, no.

Well, don't worry, don't worry.

I happen to have a stash of intriguing Cricklemas pressies

-from around the world.

-You do? Where?

In that box, marked,

"Intriguing Cricklemas pressies from around the world."

Oh, that's what that is?

Behold!

Dodge - this is a shoe.

Ah! I'll have you know that filling a shoe with sweeties

-is a festive tradition in Germa-ni-ni-ni-ny.

-Oh, right.

-Oh, that's quite appropriate then. Yeah.

-Thanks.

But I didn't have any sweeties

-so I just filled it with lav-lav.

-Eugh!

Fear not, party animals and party human.

I have found the perfect gift.

If memory serves me correctly, straw goats are often used

as traditional Chrimbo decorations in that Sweden.

Right. And you've found a decorative straw goat in a bin?

No. But I did find some drain hair and a coat hanger.

And with a bit of artistic flair I have manufactured this.

Hair goat!

What's wrong? Don't you like the Scandi look?

No, I don't. Look, you can't take these to the party,

you'll just have to share my present.

-Oh, yeah? What is it?

-It's a signed photo of yours truly.

It's going to be worth a fortune one day.

Hey, Dodge, between us we could make that more valuable.

-We could, couldn't we?

-Ah. Good idea, actually.

Although, technically your autographs won't be

-worth as much as mine.

-No, we're not signing it, no.

There's a far easier way to increase its value.

Right. Right, well er... you can stay here, then.

-I guess I'll just have to talk to Sue Barker on my own.

-Sue Barker?

Sue Barker's going? Ed! Wait up, Ed! We were only joking. Ed...!

Ed! What about hair goat? Baa!

In Switzerland, it's illegal to keep just one guinea pig

as it would be lonely.

-Oh, hello Michelle, I didn't realise it was you.

-Oh, hi, Ed.

-Are you on your way to work?

-Yes, yes.

-I always catch the 7:42 to London King's Cross.

-Yeah, me too.

It's just a different train today, though. Something seems a bit odd.

I had noticed that everyone's speaking Swiss German.

Yeah, and we do seem to be going uphill quite a bit.

I hate to say it, Michelle. I think we might be on the wrong train.

I know what's happened. This is the 7:44 service to Jungfraujoch,

-also known as the top of Europe in the Swiss Alps.

-Oh, right.

Oh, so we've accidentally got on a train

going to the top of a mountain in Switzerland.

Silly us.

MAN CALLS OUT:

Huh?

Those two are way off track!

That's because when they get to the top

they'll be 3,454 metres above sea level,

in Europe's highest railway station, known as Jungfraujoch,

the top of Europe. And it looks nothing like London's King's Cross!

The alpine views are stunning. Well, the first bit is.

That's because the last climb is a 7.2km tunnel

right through the middle of the Eiger mountain.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Ed and Michelle, you have 36 seconds

to find out as much as you can

about the Jungfrau railway.

Ed, you've got Rick, who knows all about

the trains and the station.

Michelle, you have Ruedi, who knows all about the mountains.

So, as they say in Switzerland - drei, zwei, ein, gehen!

Why is there a station at the top of a mountain?

Because...they wanted to build it so people could look out

at the mountains.

-How high are we right now?

-1,355 metres.

You're from New Zealand, did you get on the wrong train as well?

Yeah, I got on the wrong plane AND the wrong train.

You certainly did, didn't you?

Why is there an observatory up there?

-To look the stars.

-Look at the stars.

-Yeah.

-What's the longest tunnel on the way up?

-The longest tunnel is 7.2km.

-Are we actually in the clouds now?

-Yes.

-How long is the track going all the way to the top?

-9.4km.

-Wow, this guy's good!

-I think.

-Oh - IS he good?

KLAXON Oh...! High-five it.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-And the winner is...

Ed.

Oh, yes. I'm top of the world! What do I win, voiceover man?

You win two snowsuits to keep you warm at the top of Europe.

If you're lucky I might give YOU one of them.

I think we deserve to be rewarded more for our efforts.

Very well, here's your reward. Never wear that T-shirt again.

-Now, get outside and see the amazing views.

-Oooh...

-Yes.

And what a view. The observation deck

stands at an eye-popping 3,571 metres high.

That's almost 12 Eiffel Towers on top of each other.

The view is so spectacular,

that you can see

up to four countries from the summit. It really is

the top of Europe. Oh, Ed and Michelle are in for a treat!

-Here we go.

-Excited!

-Can't wait to see this.

Hello, Europe!

What? I don't... Can't see anything.

Erm...

I thought it'd be a little more impressive than this.

Are we in the right place?

-What...?

-All I can see is that bird.

BIRD CAWS

I know. Maybe it's better from the other side.

Nope.

-Well...that way's Italy.

-That's Austria.

-That's Germany.

-That's France.

-And we're standing in Switzerland.

You'll have to take our word for it, really.

Ed and Michelle are standing about here,

and if it was a clear day this is what they would see!

There's not only an observatory and a train station

at the top - there's a plateau covered

in snow all year, and a frozen ice cave deep within the mountain.

Hello, fellow ice lovers. I am Princess Michelsa.

And I'm glad to welcome you to the Ice Palace.

A frozen world which I created,

using all my own special magical powers.

Erm...that's not technically true - is it, Princess Michelsa?

Because I read here that in 1934, two guides actually began

carving the hall in the glacier using an ice axe and a saw.

That's simply myths and legends, Mr Petrie.

Come with me, and you will truly believe my magical ice-making powers.

Just witness the craftsmanship of what I've created

using my magical powers.

Bears, birds - all manner of frozen beauties.

Again, my understanding, Princess Michelsa,

is that these ice sculptures are painstakingly carved

by local craftsmen in Interlaken at the foot of the mountain

-and then transported to the Ice Palace.

-Not yet convinced, I sense.

What I show you next is going to open your eyes.

Aren't you cold dressed like that? We're in the middle of a glacier.

Cast your eyes over this ice-cool bar.

I can keep the temperatures icy cold with my magical powers.

How else would you explain why it's so cold all the time?

Well, it's my understanding that the bar's kept at a constant

minus three degrees by the cooling system,

built into the mountain 20 metres below the viewing platform.

-Oh, just forget it. No refreshing drink for you, then.

-Sorry, sorry.

I meant - Princess Michelsa, thank you for your lovely

-informative tour around your Ice Palace.

-You're welcome.

Are you sure you're not cold dressed like that?

I have no feeling in my feet.

Denmark's Hans Christian Andersen wrote The Snow Queen,

which the film Frozen is based on.

# I'm Hans Christian Andersen

# Famous children's author

# When it comes to fairy tales

# There really is no other

# Famous son of Denmark, lived in Copenhagen

# In fact in three houses upon this very street, Nyhavn

# Tried to be an actor, but stories were my thing

# Oh, I do love a fairy tale with a happy ending

# Talking of great stories, this statue is on show

# Oh, it's The Little Mermaid

# Yeah, that's one of mine, you know

# The Little Mermaid, the youngest daughter

# They are merpeople, they live under water

# Allowed to the surface, saves a man's life

# To be immortal, she must be his wife

# Drinks a special potion, loses her tongue

# Is this a children's story? Sounds a bit wrong

# I think you'd better cut a long story short

# She has to kill the prince, in two minds she's caught

-# She'll get another chance to be immortal

-That's fine

# The only trouble is it's in 300 years' time

# Not quite a happy ending

# That's the way it goes

# I'm like that, it's just the way I roll

# Hans Christian Andersen, famous children's author

# When it comes to fairy tales there really is no other

# Could we try another tale?

# I'll give it a whirl

# How about the story of The Little Match Girl?

# Poor little girl selling matches in the street

# It's winter, cold, no shoes on her feet

# Between two houses, shelters and hides

# Lights a match, imagines she's inside

# Look, it's Christmas and Granny's there too

-# Lights more matches

-# Too good to be true?

# When the match goes out, lights a bundle instead

# Turns out it's a vision and she's actually dead

# Hang on, Hans, that's a bit gory

# Surprised that's a popular bedtime story

# Happy endings are overrated

# I prefer to leave my readers deflated

# Hans Christian Andersen

# Here's one place you should see

# My final resting place here at Assistens cemetery

# Try to keep it cheerful, tell a tale to get us chuckling

# How about my most famous?

# Yes, The Ugly Duckling

# Once there was an ugly little duck,

# Tattered and torn, down on his luck

# No-one liked him, he had to leave home

# And he spent all the winter cold and alone

# Standing by the river, bad thoughts in his head

# Don't tell me, he winds up dead

# Wishes he could be a beautiful swan

# Sees his reflection - he is one

# A happy ending, what a surprise

# I've got to admit, I thought he'd die

# Well, he will eventually, why pretend?

# Whoever you are, it gets us all in the end. #

And this is my grave.

OK...

# Hans Christian Andersen, famous children's author

# When it comes to fairy tales there really is no other

# And poems, plays and travel books

# All written by him

# But look out for his endings

# They can be a bit grim. #

In some regions of France, people give each other five kisses

on the cheek to say hello.

KISSING

Ed, how much further is it up this hill? My legs are killing me.

Oh, stop complaining.

I will complain - you said this exotic garden was easy to get to.

Stupid steps.

He's a bit prickly.

Did you know the plural of the word "cactus" is "cacti"?

And the spikes on a cactus are actually leaves rolled up

-really tightly.

-Ed, why do you know so much about cactuses?

-Cacti.

Because I used to have a friend who was a cactus, called Oucho.

-Wonder what he's doing now.

-Oi!

Anyway - come on. Let's find this collector.

Wooh - there's that T-shirt again!

This is the exotic cactus garden of Eze.

It's on top of a hill 249 metres above the Mediterranean sea.

There's over 1,000 different cacti,

and it's literally growing every day.

So you've got loads of cacti here. What's your favourite one?

Maybe that one. It's the Head Of Old Man cactus.

You have grey hair at the top,

and its flower is very sticky to attract bats.

What's the point in attracting bats?

Because bats pollinate the cactus during the night.

How come cacti are able to survive with so little water?

Because they have big roots, and they keep water inside their stems.

OK. You've got one minute to show us round as many cacti as possible.

-Yeah?

-Let's start with the largest.

-Yes.

-Let go.

This is the biggest, Head Of Old Man cactus.

These cacti can grow up to 15 metres tall.

That's the same height as eight Justin Biebers!

This is the smallest cactus, Mila cactus.

Mila is an anagram of Lima, the capital of Peru

and the place where these cacti were originally discovered.

So cute... Oww!

Show us the deadliest.

This is the deadliest cactus, Opuntia tunicata.

Oh, it does look pretty mean.

This scary-looking variety of cacti

is used by some people as fences and garden hedges.

That was exhausting.

Cacti aren't just found here.

They're also found in very dry places like North and South America.

There's thought to be over 2,000 different types

in the world, with Mexico having more varieties than anywhere else.

But let's not make a song and dance about it!

Instead, let's play...

I'm going to show you three different

-types of cactus-se-se-ses.

-Cacti.

No - bow tie. All you have to do is tell me

what country they're from, through the medium of dance.

For instance - if you thought they were from Ireland,

you'd do an Irish jig.

You dance all three correctly,

you'll be crowned Dance Your Cactus Right champion. Do you understand?

-Well, I did have one...

-Great.

Let's play Dance Your Cactus Right.

First up is the Rhipsalis, which unbelievably is a cactus.

I think it looks more like a herb.

But where does Johny think it's from?

Show me through the medium of dance.

Mexico!

Oh, no, I'm afraid that's incorrect,

it's actually from Madagascar. It's also known as the Mistletoe cactus,

but I won't be asking for a kiss because I don't like moustaches.

Let's move on.

Oh, hello, what's this?

It's only a Cereus peruvianus. The clue's in the name.

Johny, where's it from? Dance for me.

Mexico!

No, it's from Peru - obviously.

It's also known as the Giant Hedge cactus,

and it can grow up to ten metres tall.

Let's move on.

Owww! What a nice

Cleistocactus strausii.

But where's it from?

Johny, show us what you think through the medium of dance.

-Mexico?

-Correct!

-CHEERING

..Is what I'd like to say, but the answer is actually incorrect.

It's from Bolivia and Argentina.

It can be found 1,200 metres above sea level.

Doesn't like hot temperatures, but it can withstand a frost.

Well, Johny - with a big fat zero you are our loser.

Join us next time for Dance Your Cactus Right.

Do more dancing.

Did you know Croatia has over 1,000 islands?

BOOMING VOICE: Strength and glory, Petrius Flatulus.

Who are you calling Flatulus?

I shall have my victory in this episode, or the next.

I think what you should have is a throat pastille.

Oh, Ed - it's the gladiator-themed main event.

That's why we're here among these amazing ancient Roman ruins.

Hang on a minute, we're in Croatia - not Italy where the Romans are from.

But this was an important part of the Roman Empire,

and each year they hold a fantastic Roman festival...

BOOMING VOICE: ..and this year, we shall take part as heroic gladiators.

-Oh, lovely. I mean...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Yes, we will.

What are you two like?

It takes more than a husky voice to make a Roman gladiator.

This is the Pula Superiorum festival...

Over three days, 15,000 visitors will flock to the town of Pula,

which has some of the best Roman buildings still around today!

Check out those 2,000-year-old columns!

And check out this amphitheatre!

This is where the gladiator games take place!

-BOOMING VOICE:

-An epic battle between pairs of heroic gladiators and...

..you two.

Right. Before you do any gladiator training, you guys have got to

get togged up, with armour, helmets, shields and...wooden swords?

I have come from the fair isle of Britannia,

to strike you down with my mighty...

-wooden..sword.

-Ooh...! I've got an itch on my shin.

I've seen scarier two-year-olds!

Meet Morlus, a proper gladiator. He's going to teach you special

combat training and tactics and, and, and...everything.

-You are a Murmillo.

-I'm a Murmillo?

You have to think like a fish hidden by a rock.

You stay closed, and you sting to catch your prey.

So Ed is a Murmillo. He has to act...

Sounds brave.

So he's a Murmillo, what does that make me?

You are a Thraex. That's a light gladiator, and you may think you

as a frog that jumps all over trying to get to the back of your opponent.

And Naomi is a Thraex.

She has to leap like a frog!

Oh... Gives me a headache.

So I've got to reach round there?

-That's OK.

-Oww! Get off.

By the way, goes without saying,

don't do this at home without an adult around.

It would be a really, really stupid thing to do.

You know how they used to release tigers into the arena?

-Someone's let out the cat!

-ROAR!

-BOOMING VOICE:

-The gladiator contest has begun.

Let's watch these trained professionals put on a show.

Ed and Naomi, I hope you're taking notes.

They don't look a particularly bloodthirsty crowd so far.

No, they're suddenly going to turn when we enter the arena.

This guy in purple is pretending to be the Roman emperor, Caesar.

The audience help Caesar decide the fate of the gladiator

who has lost the battle.

If Caesar and the audience have enjoyed the battle,

then they say "Missum".

CROWD: Missum!

And do this hand signal.

This means the losing gladiator gets to live.

And if Caesar and the audience say "Iugula"...

CROWD: Iugula!

..and do this hand signal,

then it means the losing gladiator must die.

Well, pretend to die - it's just make-believe.

Right, Morlus, show these two how it's really done.

This is our trainer. Our trainer's about to fight.

This guy with the net, I remember seeing him in history books.

"Why did you give me a net? Can I have a sword?"

By the way, no-one really gets hurt, they're all brilliant actors.

-He's got a metal sword as well.

-Don't like it.

-Ooh, he just threw his net at him.

-Yeah, it's no good.

It's no good, that thing.

Ah...!

-That was our trainer.

-Our trainer just lost. Annihilated.

Caesar's going to decide his fate.

Missum, missum...

CROWD: Missum!

-Yes!

-Missum, yes.

-Whoo-hoo!

-He lives.

-He lives.

-Our trainer lives.

-He might have to go to hospital, but he lives.

Oh, and the winning gladiator gets a tree - I mean, a palm leaf

as a prize from Caesar.

That'll look lovely in a nice big vase.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Now it's time for the biggest

and probably the most appalling gladiator battle ever seen.

The two unlikely and hapless gladiators go head to head!

Petrius Flatulus versus Naomius Wilkinsinius.

Eurgh - no, I just hit myself in the head!

NAOMI LAUGHS

Look at me, I'm putting on a show!

I have come all the way from Londinum to destroy this worm!

-Oh, this helmet's really heavy.

-I've got an itchy head.

I'm out of breath already. Right...

You're going down, Wilkinson!

There's Naomi, leaping like a gladiator-inspired springy frog.

Ha-ha! You'll never get past my rock.

And there's Ed channelling his inner fish -

doing his best, hiding behind a rock.

Come on, crowd!

Roar!

Oh, Petrius Flatulus is running away!

The audience don't like their gladiators to run away -

this might go against you, Ed.

Fight!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Stop laughing, you two, this is serious stuff!

It's really tiring work, this.

SHE LAUGHS

You can stop the battle. The winner is...

-..Naomi!

-CHEERING

This is heavy! Oh, this is very heavy.

I can't walk in these.

Yay! Well done, Naomi -

time to claim your prize tree from Caesar.

How are you going to fit THAT in your suitcase?

Thank you, Caesar. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Now, Caesar must decide the fate of Petrius Flatulus.

BOOING

Oh, no. Ed is getting lots of boos from the audience,

this doesn't look good.

He's quite a nice bloke, really.

Yes! Yes, I'm still alive. Thank you.

Thank you, big, big cheese man. Thank you. Oh, I'm still alive.

Now all we need is the Roman emperor to make it official.

And the winner of the All Over The Place gladiator award is...

-..me!

-Bravo.

-I was on bad forum. Ha-ha - bad FORUM.

-Very good.

You've been watching All Over The Place Europe!