Being Hip in Germany All Over the Place

'Want to find out how hip Chris and I are? It doesn't get any cooler

'than this! So keep watching!'

I'm a better hipster than you. I'm a better hipster than him!

If you say so, Ed(!)

But we've got the coolest stuff in Europe in today's show!

Johny digs out his best frock.

Iain learns a new language.

I believe it's called purring.

Michelle gets ejected.

What? What?!

Sam and Mark get hysterically historical.

HE LAUGHS

Naomi hails a taxi.

And Hacker and Dodge have an identity crisis.

We are cats.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west All of us are on a quest

# Me and my mate all over the place

# It's true what you've heard Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do in Europe that is totally ace

# And it turns up

# All over the place. #

There are more than two and a half thousand houseboats

on Amsterdam's canals!

Aw. Aw.

-Ed, what you doing?

-Oh, er...something very important

-and work related? Quite boring, actually.

-Aw, are you watching

cute cat-based internet videos?

Aw, look! That's what a human should do.

Oh, Ed, I've just had a great idea -

we make our own cute cat-based internet video, yeah?

And we'll be famous!

And I mean...even more famous, if it's even possible.

That's a brilliant idea! Cos we're in Amsterdam. They've got the cat boat.

-It's a boat full of cats!

-Where is it?

It's right there!

# What's new, pussycat?... #

Well, I don't know if internet stardom beckons, boys,

but I can say this is the world's only floating animal sanctuary -

Amsterdam's cat boat.

Since 1966 they've been rescuing stray cats and keeping them

cosy until they can find them a new home.

Most cats hate water. That's because their coat isn't waterproof

like a dog and it gets heavy when soaked.

Ed and Iain, you have 28 seconds to find out as much as you can

about the cat boat.

Ed, you have Judith - she knows all about the cats here.

Iain, you have Yolanda who knows all about the history of the boat.

Three, twee, een - gaan!

-How many cats do you have on the cat boat?

-50.

-How old is the boat?

-46 years.

-Have you ever made cat videos and put them on the internet?

-Yes, we do.

Sometimes if they're bored do you take the cats on a little

-cruise round Amsterdam?

-No.

-Is this cat really cute?

-Yes.

They seem quite sinister, the cats.

-Have they ever tried to rise up and take over the boat?

-No.

Because we are the boss.

-How many litter trays have you got?

-Ten.

-Ten?

-Ten.

-Has anyone asked you that question before?

-No!

KLAXON BLARES

The winner is...

Ed!

Oh, brilliant!

-What have I won?

-You get to feed the cats.

-Awesome.

-What have I got to do?

You have to clean their kitty litter.

Eugh!

The cat boat re-homes over 300 cats every single year.

Grub's up, guys.

We're having a great time over here, Iain. How you getting on?

Urgh! So wet!

Urgh!

What you looking at, mate? Clean up after you.

'Hurry up, I need a wee!'

I wonder if Ed and Iain can help someone find their...

So, Dennis, I hear you're looking for a little kitty of your own.

-Actually, I'm looking for two.

-BOTH: Oh!

-I think we've got you the...

-BOTH: Purr-fect match.

-We know nothing about this cat, Dennis. What do you think?

-Um...

Interesting. OK, next cat.

CAT PURRS This one's making a funny noise.

I believe it's called purring.

-Do you mind if you have a cat that purrs, Dennis?

-No, not at all.

-Ah, Dennis, where have you been?

-Well, you two are useless,

so I found these two cats which are perfect for me.

You're more than welcome.

Another success story. Or you could say...

BOTH: A purr-fect match.

Do you know what, mate? I'm going to admit it - I'm a convert.

-Cats are much better than dogs. Can't believe I've said it.

-Yeah.

I think the big, big cheese should listen to us

millions of cat lovers on the internet.

Those CBBC dogs better watch out.

Look, Dodge, this must be the place.

This numpty agent is about to meet two dazzlingly talented

-celebrity dogs.

-Oh, yeah.

No more dogs! I've got dogs coming out of my ears, mate!

Which is quite painful, actually.

The big dosh now is in cats. I'm looking for cats.

Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats!

Or Kylie Minogue's phone number.

You haven't got either? Then we're done talking!

Eight million pet cats in the UK and all I get are dirty dogs,

mangy mutts and...

Oh! Two petite pooches.

Did you chase a cat down here?

No? Then clear off!

I'm looking for a moggy megastar.

We don't chase cats because, um...

-we are cats.

-We are?

-Yes, go with it.

-Oh, we are!

-Meow!

-Purr!

Oooh!

You don't look like cats.

We're an unusual-looking breed.

-But it means we don't get chased by dogs.

-Yeah, no dogs.

And you can talk, which is quite impressive for an animal

that can't chew. All right, cats.

How flexible are you?

-Well, we can't do Tuesdays.

-No.

I mean, how flexible are your spines? Any cat worth his paws

is going to be bending over backwards for this job.

-We are very bendy.

-Are we?

-Yeah, watch.

Oh-ho-ho! I can see my own bum!

Terrific! You're hired.

-Now, cough up.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you paid us?

-Bezoars.

-Don't be so disgusting.

No, bezoars are hairballs.

The part requires that you lick his fur

and then cough up the hair in a big sticky ball of gob.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-You sicken me!

-How unrefined!

-Can't believe it, eh?

-It's what cats do!

-Yuck!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

You're looking for two talking dogs for a Hollywood blockbuster?

And where am I supposed to find them at such short notice?

Argh! Timewasters!

Time for a fact -

the first wristwatch was invented in Switzerland in 1868.

I can't go on, Miss Boggins! We'll never find Middle-earth Man.

-You'll have to carry me.

-Stand up, Ed. Look, it says we're here.

"Hobbit Hole, Middle-Switzerland." I'm pretty sure this is the place.

But the ring! The ring!

Did you ring ahead? It's appointment only.

Yes. We'll just knock. Relax.

Welcome, travellers. Come in.

See? I told you this was the place.

Fair play. Oh, sorry about the smell. Haven't washed my feet for ages.

CLANG! Ow!

This is not a house for a tall person.

Bernd, what on Middle-earth is this place?

It's the unique museum of Middle-earth in the world.

What's the connection between JRR Tolkien, who wrote the books,

-and Switzerland?

-He was here in Switzerland in 1911

and he was here ten days

and he was very impressed and he wrote a little story for his sons.

From this story we have The Hobbit now. And then Lord Of The Rings.

Well, I fancy "hobbit" a look around.

This place is out of this world.

It's massive, with 14 rooms underground!

Bernd has re-created Bag End, the famous hobbit house

from The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings books.

He must have had an army of elves to help him build it!

I wonder what an epic property like this would be worth.

This charming Hobbit hole is a period property from 2008,

set amidst the scenery of the Swiss Alps.

14 well-proportioned rooms, all of which are situated underground,

which is fabulous if you don't like natural light and good ventilation,

and happen to be a massive Lord Of The Rings fan.

With the added advantage of a herb garden to the front,

and a major road at the rear of the property,

security is enhanced by a four-metre tall Balrog effigy

to ward off potential thieves and robbers.

With central heating provided by the open fire in the living quarters,

you can enjoy cosy winter dinner parties around a table,

reciting dwarf songs with your favourite hairy friends.

It's worth noting that people over 1.5 metres tall may develop

severe back problems due to low ceilings in reception rooms.

Bernd is a massive Lord Of The Rings fan.

He's built up the largest collection of Middle-earth memorabilia

in the world. It's got everything - statues of orcs and trolls,

priceless artwork and rare first-edition books.

Bernd even dresses the part for museum tours!

I wonder what it would take to become a Middle-earth super fan

like Bernd.

Hello, and welcome to the gameshow that Gandalf the Grey calls magical,

and mountain trolls everywhere call...

HE ROARS

Question one. We're in a hobbit hole.

Lighting's in my way.

Famous Hobbit Bilbo Baggins has a first and second cousin

once removed either way. But what is his name?

Is it A, Frodo Baggins?

B, Plastic Baggins?

C, Bin Baggins?

Or D, Dave?

Uh...I'll go for...Frodo.

Yeah, it was obvious, really, wasn't it?

Question two - it's the second question.

Bernd has lots of lovely hobbit things.

But what's his MOST PRECIOUS... possession?

Is it A, his precious museum?

B, his precious dragon statue?

C, his precioussss car?

Just a normal car.

Or D, his precioussss first edition signed copy of The hobbit?

I'll phone a hobbit. I'll phone Bernd.

-He's not a hobbit, but it's the best I can do.

-Be quick.

-Yeah, hi, Bernd? What is your most previous possession?

-It is...

Hold on, you just hung up him!

-Yeah, I got bored. What's your answer?

-Dragon statue.

Oh, it's incorrect!

No, the correct answer was actually A, his precious museum.

Question three. How long did it take to build this wonderful house?

Is it A, five days?

B, five months?

C, five years?

Or D, it depends it you're using the Hobbit calendar,

the Elven calendar or the calendar of Men?

-I think I'll ask the audience.

-Right you are.

He's got a mood on.

Oh, uh...

-I'll go with D.

-The answer is actually C - five years.

Which means, I'm afraid, you must be hurled into the fiery pit of Mordor.

-It's the second door on the left.

-What? What?!

That's a shame. Quite liked her.

In France they have vending machines for baguettes!

# On the French Riviera lies the city of Cannes

# If you like chic shops or are a film fan

# Or love lazing on the beach with the glitterati

# And your spending your evenings at celeb-filled parties

# Then this is the place you'd wanna hang out

# Though, financially, you need to have some clout

# It's not the cheapest place, if you know what I mean

# It's an A-list paradise, the place to be seen

# And dressed like this we're hard to miss

# But we have one question and it goes like this

-BOTH:

-# Can you cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You can in Cannes? I think I can cancan, oh, can

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes? I think I can

# This is the building that holds the film festival

# As setup rhymes go, Ed, that's really the best-ival

# It's hosted premieres since 1982

# Let's nip inside and get a sneak preview

# When all the movie stars descend on the town

# They famously put the red carpet down

# Wow, imagine that parade of top-notch actors

# Shame the building looks like a nuclear rector

# Never mind that

# Before we go there's just one thing we'd like to know

-BOTH:

-# Can you cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You can in Cannes? I think I can cancan, oh, can

# Can you cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes? I think I can

# This is known as the Allee de Star

# Like the Walk of Fame on Hollywood Boulevard

# Your handprint means you're immortalised

# Oh, I can't find my name

# You sound surprised

# Let's hang out on the beach, we'll catch some rays

# Walk la Croisette that curves round the bay

# Just people watching you'll see some sights

# Though we're the only ones here in man-sized tights

# I'm feeling self-conscious, how about you?

# If we're turning heads there's just one thing to do

-BOTH:

-# Can you cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You can in Cannes? I think I can cancan, oh, can

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes? You cancan in Cannes? I think I can

# This area of Cannes is called Le Suquet

# A small fishing village back in the day

# Its streets are steeped in history

# So all together now, one, two, three... #

BELL TOLLS

CRICKETS CHIRP

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Oh. Just us, then.

-BOTH:

-# Can you cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You can in Cannes? I think I can cancan, oh, can

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# You cancan in Cannes Cannes? You cancan in Cannes Cannes?

# This is the last time that you make me wear a dress

# You've had a great time and if only you'd confess

# I'll get my own back on you, just you wait and see

# There is no way that you can pull a prank on me

-# Can

-Can't

-Can

-Can't

-Can

-Can't

-Can

# Cannes! #

It's hard being a postman in Venice,

as people don't write street names on the address.

Uh, excuse me! Mr Gondolier!

I'd like a ride in your lovely gondola, please!

Hello?

Yeah, you, on the boat, with the big stick.

SHE WHISTLES

Ahem.

It's a good job you're here(!)

Yeah, all right. No-one likes a show-off.

And no-one likes a sulk, Ed.

Venice is unusual in that the city was built on water.

So it has canals instead of roads.

This means that Venetians can't use cars and buses to get about -

they have to use boats -

and the most famous Venetian boat is a gondola.

..which has high pointy bits at each end.

It's steered by a Gondolier who stands at the back

and uses just one mega long oar to paddle the Gondola from A to B.

This is Alessio, a gondolier with over 20 years' experience.

So, Alessio, can anybody be a gondolier?

Yeah, it's a tradition in families. By generation.

-Oh, right.

-Very difficult to drive a gondola.

-OK, so you just have to be in the right family?

-Yeah.

It's 95% of the gondolier is family.

-95%?

-Yes.

It's very difficult to drive a gondola.

-It sounds like it's easy.

-Gondola is 11 metres.

-Yeah, it's a big boat.

-It's many hours, many days of experience.

Oh, so it's not that easy, then?

Did you know that for 900 years all gondoliers were men,

and only the first female started in 2010?

Did you know that?

I don't think she did.

Are we the first people to come on your gondolier wearing life jackets?

You are the first people, yes.

-Not the last. We're trendsetters.

-Yes.

-In a few years everyone's going to be doing this.

-You are number one.

Safety first.

It's not that we don't trust you.

I don't trust him.

-Hello, tourists!

-Hello!

Did you know that in the 17th century there was 10,000

of these on Venice's canals?

-I suppose I should have a crack at this.

-And me.

HE LAUGHS

Like Spider-Man...

THEY LAUGH

# La, la, la-la-la. #

# La, la, la-la. #

We're going round in a circle. is that what you're trying to do?

Yes.

-How many points?

-Five.

-Five? that's not bad.

Right, Naomi, you're next.

Can you beat Petrie's pathetic 5 out of 10?

What you talking about, Ed? It's easy. There we go, look.

Brava.

-Easy-peasy.

-Brava.

So how many points?

-How many points?

-For me.

-Seven.

-Whoo!

-Oh, what?

Only you, not Spider-Man. Spider-Man five.

7 out of 10 - that makes Naomi the better gondolier.

Definitely something to shout about.

Did you know that's where the famous Venetian merchant and explorer

Marco Polo used to flog his stuff

when he came back from his adventures around the world?

Is it really?

Yeah. Well, maybe not that one. Might have been down there.

Yo, I'm back!

FANFARE

The following is based on the book The Travels Of Marco Polo

by Marco Polo, which is all about the wonders Marco Polo discovered

in China. BUT as we've only got Marco Polo's word for it,

no-one can be sure if it's true or not.

Of course it's true!

The voyages I've experienced, the wonders I've seen.

Never mind all that, Polo.

I'm the head honcho here in Venice, so where are all the jewels

-and gold coins you promised me?

-Pah! Who needs gold

when you've got...coal?

FANFARE

But I wanted shiny.

Are you kidding? This is the fuel of the future.

It unleashes a fearsome inferno.

Plus it lights up into pretty colours and that.

Not impressed? OK. How about this? Something more amazing.

Spectacles!

They give your eyes the vision of a hawk. Plus you can do this.

-Always gets a laugh.

-Oh, hilarious(!)

I'll tell you what I can't see - my jewels and my coins.

LOW NOTE

Funny you should say that,

-because I actually swapped all of those for these!

-Say what?

But the only goodies I wanted from China were the jewels and the coins,

-you fool.

-Oh, chill your boots! That's paper money.

It's far safer to be carrying around than precious jewels and coins.

That one's worth a fortune.

Was worth a fortune. Awkward!

WIND HOWLS

I guess I'll pop back in another 24 years.

HE YELLS

Germany is the biggest exporter of cheese in the world!

I love Berlin for this, Chris. It's full of loads of derelict warehouses

where you can have a good old party.

MUSIC: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

They've put a band in that one. Big crowd in there.

# ..love, love, I want your love... #

Now, where's the Hipster Cup?

I think it's...this way.

Actually, I think it might be this way.

No, follow me. I'm like a cool-magnet.

The Hipster Cup is a gathering of super trendy people,

known as hipsters.

They gather in Berlin each year to celebrate all things hipsterish,

and compete to see who's the hippest of the hip!

And guess who's competing this year?

Only All Over The Place's Trendy Twins, Ed and Chris!

THIS we need a photo of!

I've noticed this is a hipster thing, isn't it? Old technology.

Old technology used in these times...yeah, maybe.

# Oh, oh, shake it!

# Shake it like a... # Badly developed photo.

-Hasn't come out at all, has it?

-No.

-Oh, dear.

It'll take more than fake moustaches to blend in with the hipsters, guys.

Check out those shirts!

-What do you think of this one?

-You're having a giraffe, aren't you?

-Very good. Very good.

-Thank you.

-You should try this one.

-Why?

-It's brand-moo.

THEY CHUCKLE

Sorry.

OK, guys, show us your new hipster looks!

Oooh! Pretty sharp!

Nearly time for the Hipster Cup. But before the games begin,

the hipsters need their designer coffees!

-Oh, excuse me?

-Yes, how can I help you?

Can I have a skinny macchiato latte, please?

-OK. What can I bring for you?

-Could I get a...

An upside-down Columbian foam-free blend, please. Fair trade.

-Yeah, thank you.

-I'd like to change my order.

Can I get an un-unfair trade cat milk frappe, please?

-Oh, in a dirty cup.

-In a dirty cup.

Thinking of the environment.

-Oh, and can you make it taste like a winter's day?

-Like a winter's day?

I'll try my best.

Now that you've coffeed-up, it's time for the competition!

Best of three events. First up...

I'm just going to do some practice.

Ah! No, no, no!

-Not with mine.

-No?

-No.

Hipster Rule number one, Chris - always wear a belt.

This is what we need - a referee. Genuine referee.

How do we play this game?

You play this game with one jean. And the winners...

-Who pulls the furthest?

-First over the line.

-OK.

-The red line.

And then you are the winner of Skinny Jeans.

-So what do we need to start?

-Three persons.

Can you help me win a tug of war game?

-You want me to tug with you?

-Yeah!

-I'll join you.

-And your friend?

-Yeah.

-Do you want to join me in a tug of war?

-Sure.

-Yes!

Ah, yeah, sure, why not?

-Do you want to help me win a tug of war game against my mate?

-Yes.

-You going to join my team?

-Yes.

-Brilliant!

OK, guys, I think we need a good, firm anchor.

-You're the muscliest, you're going on the end of the jeans.

-I got it.

-OK, and... Yeah, you're quite a stringy specimen like me.

-I am.

I think we better go up the front. Good tactics. Good hipster tactics.

I have literally no idea how to win this game.

-But I'm hoping you guys do.

-Pull.

-Just pull?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

That'll do it. OK, good hustle. Let's do this! Yeah! Come on!

Never in the history of Hipsters has there been

this much anticipation for an event.

The crowd would be going wild right now...

if they weren't too cool, that is.

OK.

Hang on, hang on, two hands?

You're using two hands!

If you can fit two hands on go for it!

Get them over that red line.

WHISTLE Yes!

I've just won the most stupid, clever war I've ever taken part in.

Well done, Team Ed!

Two Hands Petrie over there!

Oh, come on, Chris. You've got to HAND it to him.

So Ed pulls ahead by winning the first round.

Back to the Hipster cafe for a bit, I think.

Have you heard this one before?

-INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was listening to that five minutes ago,

but I stopped listening to the track halfway through and it's now

so two minutes ago it's embarrassing.

Yeah, I get your vibe, man. I haven't listened to a whole song since 2007.

Honestly, guys, you're SO competitive!

Talking of which, don't we have a competition to get on with?

Event number two - it's...

What have I got to do for the Hipster Glasses Shot Put?

You need the horn-rimmed glasses.

Stand on the red line and throw as hard as you can.

-That's it?

-That simple.

WHISTLE

Good effort, Ed.

You've managed to get it most of the way down the field!

Is that all right? The crowd think that's OK.

WHISTLE

Mmmm, Chris, not bad, either.

Is it good enough? I don't think it is.

Oh, Chris.

I want to win just so he doesn't do his smug voice.

SMUGLY: Oh, Chris.

They've thrown their glasses, but how are they going to measure up?

And the winner of this competition is Ed.

Hooray! I am the best at throwing glasses away.

Do you mind throwing these away?

Yeah, chuck those glasses away, Ed.

They're SO out of fashion now.

Not like facial hair.

-Like your beard.

-Oh, thanks.

-Well, I DID like your beard.

SO two minutes ago now.

It's all about the half-beard now.

What?! How did you do that?

I'm a better hipster than you.

I'm a better hipster than him!

I am a better hipster than him!

-Are you doing this?

-We stopped doing that a week ago.

Never mind, Ed. I'll tell you what we ARE doing this week -

the Hipster Cup!

Time for event number three...

So how does this work?

You take Jute Bag, put both hands on it,

put the boots inside and then you may jump, jump, jump this way.

OK, so it's like a tiny-sack sack race?

Yeah, yeah. But difficult.

WHISTLE What, we start...? Oh! Ah!

It's so hard!

Come on, guys, it's not THAT difficult!

My pants are falling down!

THEY LAUGH

See what I mean about wearing a belt, Chris?

Go!

Why?!

Yay, well done, Ed. Not so well done, Chris.

Come on!

And the winner all over the place of the Hipster Cup is Ed.

Thank you.

Actually, I don't want this. Wining is so ten minutes ago.

You've been watching All Over The Place Europe!