Gargoyles, Elephants and Woolsacks All Over the Place

Fancy a trip around the UK? Stay tuned as Ed and Johny get the sack.

Come on.

-Barney goes on a big Greek adventure.

-I am Perseus.

Naomi strikes a pose.

Ceall blows his own trumpet and Iain goes clubbing.

# All over the place, all over the place

# North, South, East, West, on a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates all over the place

# Just do what you've heard everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true

# All over the place, all over the place

# Bet you didn't know your stuff was in the UK

# But it turns up all over the place. #

At one with nature,

it's lovely to have an amble through the countryside, Ed.

-Yeah, two men out in the wild the way it should be.

-Oh, aye.

-Do you fancy a game of hide and seek?

-Do I ever? You count.

One, two,

three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine...

99, 100. Coming, ready or not!

Ed, you'll never find me.

-Are you behind a really big stone?

-Ed, did you peek? You cheater.

How could you have known that?

Which means it's very, very, very old.

Which is about the same height as a double-decker bus.

Ed and Johny, you have 50 seconds each

to find out as much as you can about Avebury stone circle.

Johny, Dr Nic knows all about old stuff.

Ed, Dr Ros knows all about Avebury.

Whoever finds out the most facts in 50 seconds is the winner.

Three, two, one, go.

I've got loads of questions to ask you about Avebury.

Why is there a road going through the middle?

There's always been a road.

-How long have the stones been here?

-About 5,000 years.

-Why is there poo everywhere?

-We keep sheep here.

-How did they get here?

-Brought by people.

Why are so many stones missing?

Because people built buildings out of them.

-Why did they do that?

-I don't know.

-Why did people bring them here?

-It's a religious site.

Why does Stonehenge think it's so much better than this place?

-I don't know because it obviously isn't.

-Yeah, exactly, Stonehenge.

-What type of stones are they?

-A type of sandstone.

-Who would win in a fight between Avebury and Stonehenge?

-Avebury.

-Why?

-Because we're bigger.

-Is it bigger?

-Much bigger.

About 14 times bigger.

What do you have to study to study stones?

The people that made them.

HOOTER

Put it there. That was quite good.

And the person who found out the most facts is...

-..Ed.

-Yeah!

-I don't believe it.

-Johny, you've just trodden in something nasty.

-Oh!

Even better. Hurray.

Double victory.

Before coming here I never understood interesting stone circles,

but coming here, they're absolutely massive.

How did they get them here all those years ago?

I bought a guidebook to find out. There are 20 pages in it

and at the end it says that nobody knows who built it or why.

-Oh.

-That was a waste of five quid.

And to think they did all of this without machinery.

They're just showing off. How many of these are there?

Thousands of years ago in the outer circle there were 98 standing up.

-How many are there now?

-27.

-Did people nick them or something?

What could you possibly want with a rock?

Hundreds of years ago the villagers would light fires underneath,

heat them up and throw cold water at them so they crack,

smash them up and make houses out of them.

I've been wanting to build an extension.

Oi, get your hands off that.

I tell you what, I wouldn't have fancied shifting all these rocks.

They must have had some right motivation.

I think it must have had some sort of deep spiritual

or religious significance to the people who built it.

There you go, mate, all done. One garden rockery.

-What's that?

-What's wrong?

-What's wrong?

It's a million times too big, mate.

Oh, I thought the plans were a bit unusual.

Me and the lads just thought you was some kind of eccentric millionaire.

Millionaire? This is the Stone Age, money hasn't been invented yet.

You could have a million cats.

This isn't what I wanted.

You must have got the measurements wrong. I want 20 cats for this.

You're not getting a dead cat for this fiasco, mate.

What's the problem? I've done loads of rockeries like this.

I've done the Stanton Drew circle in Somerset,

I've done the Ring o' Brodgar in Orkney.

I done a Stonehenge for your neighbour, down the road.

I called that one...Stonehenge. He loved it.

Did he, though?

Well, when I say loved it, what I actually mean is got really angry

and threatened to tell the police.

I pointed out that the police hadn't been invented yet.

So, that got him off my back for a while.

So, er, what happened in the end?

Well, we came to an arrangement that, since I'd wasted his time

and destroyed his garden,

he could bash me over the head with a large club.

-Really?

-Hmm.

I can't wait to see the cheetah, the lion, oh, the alligator.

-Dodos, stegosaurus.

-Dodo?

Barney, all the dodos, they've been extinct for years, durr.

-Not in this garden, they haven't.

-Really?

-No.

Did you say garden? I thought this was a safari park.

We're at Mount Stewart, mate.

-It's like a magical garden with a massive collection of statues.

-Oh.

-I should read these things properly.

-Yeah. Who's the dodo now?

Why are there so many statues in the garden?

These gardens were designed by a woman called Edith, Lady Londonderry

and she wanted the gardens to say something about her,

the things that she liked and her family and her friends.

So, she had all these statues made to represent all those things.

She was interested in animals cos there's a lot.

Are they all animals?

Some of them are real animals,

but even these real animals, actually, represent people.

I was thinking that warthog looks a bit like Barney, doesn't it?

Oi, enough of that.

If Barney looks like the warthog,

then, Ed, you're a double for this statue.

Separated at birth.

There's a lot of detail in the statues. Look at that cheetah.

Look at the paws on it, look how sharp claws are. They look deadly.

-I'm Ed Backshall.

-And I'm Barney Backshall.

And I'm on a quest for the deadly six and a sixth.

BOTH: This could be deadly.

Ah! Look at the size of that bill.

It's one thing to admire this animal from afar...

..but up close, it's even more impressive.

I'm braver than any man who's ever lived

because this creature has a deadly, venomous spur

which can cause agonising pain in humans and kill a dog stone dead.

-Ed Backshall, where are you?

-Rrrarr.

Ah! Oh. That was deadly. My heart, oh.

It's such a privilege to be the only person here to see this.

His ears are pricked up and his nose is in the air.

That's because he knows that I, Barney Backshall, am here.

Perhaps you should wear some deodorant. Your armpits are deadly.

Wow, look at this still and mythical creature.

-It's like a fish out of water.

-I've never seen anything like it before.

Durr. Ed Backshall, it's a mermaid.

A mermaid statue, to be precise, and that is why she's so still.

I just thought she was mesmerised by my rippling biceps.

-These can be deadly.

-I think you'll find that mine are deadlier. Yeah.

I think you'll find mine are deadlier still.

It's such a quirky place, this.

It certainly puts my garden gnome to shame.

Look, we've even got Circe

and the sailors from The Odyssey in Greek mythology.

It looks more like a pig.

That's because Circe turned all of the sailors into pigs.

In Greek mythology, they turned a lot of people into things.

-Yeah, like Medusa with the snakes for hair.

-Yeah.

She turned everyone who looked at her into stone.

Maybe that's what happened to these poor animals and creatures.

All Over The Place presents...

No, I said suitably big shield, not stupidly big shield. I've got to go.

Rrrrarr.

Starring...

I am Perseus

and this is my purse, really handy for small change

and my hanky.

-Rraarrr.

-Ah!

And Ed as Medusa.

Who has snakes instead of hair.

They're not real snakes. Look.

-Mmm.

-Can I have a red one?

-No.

But beware, all who gaze into Medusa's eyes are turned into stone.

Yeah, it does make relationships quite hard.

But I do save a fortune on garden ornaments.

It's no wonder you got turned to stone, that shield's pathetic.

Roar.

But in the end, every hero must face his destiny.

-Look into my eyes.

-No.

-Look into my eyes.

-No.

Oh, go on, we'll be here all day. Oh, what? That's cheating!

Aaaah.

Oh, what a pain in the neck.

'Well, well, well, what have we here?'

'This is the Maharajah's Well.'

'The Maharajah, an Indian prince,

'donated the well to the villagers nearly 150 years ago.'

'Why did he do that?'

'He heard about people having to walk miles and miles for water.'

-'Oh, wow, he's a well nice man.'

-'Cherry?'

-'Oh, go on then.'

'The Maharajah donated a cherry orchard too.

'So that the sale of the cherries

'would pay for the upkeep of the well.'

'That elephant's pretty bling.'

'The elephant is like the village pet. Oh, I think I might well up.'

If I had an elephant as a pet, you'd never have to buy, like,

a new vacuum cleaner again.

Because all you needed to do was, like, on top of all the dirt put,

like, peanuts and then it would go round sucking all your dirt up.

Some person might write, like,

a magazine saying that elephants were out of fashion.

So, all, like, fashionable people would get their elephants,

chuck them in the bin and then buy, like, a monkey or something.

Elephants are so last year.

Yeah, definitely.

# Uh-huh, uh-uh, yeah

# Here in Bridgnorth

# There's High and Low Town

# And there's a novel way Of getting up and down

# I'm up here

# And he's down there

# And there ain't no way

# I'm going up them stairs

# So

# If we want to get together

# And we don't want it to take for ever

# Cos the climb's a little stiff

# There's a train that goes right up the side of the cliff

# I just hop on at the top

# And enjoy the 110-foot drop

# And pretty soon we'll meet each other

# Riding on the funicular-ula-ula

# Railway-ay

# On the funicular-ula-ula-ula

# Railway-ay-ay-ay. #

Yeah. I thought we were meeting at the bottom!

What? I can't hear you.

-It's OK, I'll come down.

-What? I can't hear you.

It's OK, I'll come up.

# It was built

# In 1892

# Cos 200 steps just wouldn't do

# And the climb

# From start to finish

# Well, it only takes

# A couple of minutes

# So

# If we want to get together

# We just got to show a bit of endeavour

# Luckily, that's not a concern

# As the ticket that I bought is a return

# From Low back up to High Town

# Look, one carriage goes up The other down

# Cos they counterbalance each other

# Riding on the funicular-ula-ula

# Railway-ay

# On the funicular-ula-ula-ula

# Railway-ay-ay-ay

# As far as inland funicular railways go

# There is no other in England as steep or as old

# Though, actually, when I come to think about it

# I'd have difficulty naming another Truth be told

# If we want to get together

# And I'm beginning to think that we may never

# Cos this is no longer funny

# And I've ended up spending all my pocket money

# On tickets going up and down

# Between Bridgnorth's High and Low Town

# Will we ever meet each other?

# Riding on the funicular-ula-ula

# Railway-ay

# On the funicular-ula-ula

# Railway-ay-ay-ay-ay. #

Oh, look at that nose.

Eurgh. And the size of those ears, that's grotesque.

I've had a lot of compliments about my nose and my ears, actually.

If we're going to insult each other, what about your hair?

Oi. I was actually talking about those grotesques, look.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, they are horrible.

Grotesque means ugly

and grotesque statues are found on the side of buildings.

So, these ones at Oxford University's Bodleian Library

are not only hideously ugly, but are also probably hideously clever.

Unlike these two dafties.

A gargoyle is slightly different

as it acts like a drainpipe,

spitting out the rainwater.

How rude.

There's a lot of these gargoyles in Oxford,

when you start looking for them, isn't there?

No, those ones are grotesques.

All these years, I've called them gargoyles.

-Getting it all muddled up?

-Oh.

-Oh.

All my gargoyle chat at parties and stuff.

There's some ugly faces up there. There's some ugly animals as well.

The uglier, the better. It was supposed to ward off evil spirits

and protect any treasures inside the buildings.

If you were a gargoyle, how would you scare off evil spirits?

Like this.

-I'm not scared.

-That's terrible, isn't it?

-I'm not scared.

-What about you?

-How about? Rrarr, rrarr.

It works, it works!

Rrarrr!

Those two, over there, look quite cheeky, don't they?

Yeah, they look like they're up to some right mischief.

Keep your opinions to yourself, love!

Yeah, it's a very serious job we do up here!

We protect this building from evil spirits.

He does it by pulling scary faces.

And he does it by spitting out rainwater from the gutter

in the back of his head.

It's all very technical. What I do is, I open my mouth and...

-well, that's it, really.

-Ooh, gargoyle, you're grotesque.

-Thank you very much. Now sling your hook.

-No!

-All right, Gary, spit rainwater on him.

-I can't.

-Why not?

It's not raining.

THUNDER

It is now.

Don't spit it out all at once. Store it up.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

Now!

Ha! Ha-ha. That'll learn ya.

Bring a brolly next time, Einstein. Ha-ha.

-All right, Gary, you can stop now.

-Hmmmmm.

Oh, look at you. Look at what you've become.

You're a drainpipe, you've got no dignity.

Oh, that's better.

Oi, don't you dare. Shoo. Shoo.

Oh, that's good.

I was starting to look a bit of an idiot myself.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

I did not see that coming.

-These ones, over here, look newer.

-Yeah, these ones are cool.

These ones are winners of a competition.

As the original ones

were really badly weather damaged.

Before the children's grotesques were carved out of stone,

they had to make them into clay models first.

That's right. Ed and Naomi,

your challenge is to make clay model grotesques of each other.

-But hang on, we haven't got any clay.

-Oh, look, Ed.

Voiceover man's set it up, ready for us.

Ah, how convenient.

You have 24 seconds to make the most grotesque grotesque.

Three, two, one, go.

Get a good look at your face.

I'm going to make this as true to life as possible.

I'm going to make this really, really ugly.

I could just stop now, it's so good.

Yes. Eurgh, I never thought I'd have my fingers up your nose.

Pointed face.

Stop.

Here to judge who's is best is Erika from the Bodleian Library.

Well, I think the most grotesque grotesque has to be this one

because of the teeth.

-Yay. Oh, the teeth, the teeth won it.

-So realistic.

-I was worried it was too realistic.

-Charmed, I'm sure.

Knew I should have given this one a bigger nose.

The weather might not be great,

but I'm looking forward to this Tetbury Race.

It's actually called the Tetbury Woolsack Race.

-That's a strange name for a town.

-It's because, in the race,

you've got to run with a bag of wool on your back.

A bag of... That's so easy.

My granny knits me woolly jumpers all the time.

Thanks, Gran, they're lovely and fluffy and remind me of home.

-I mean, how heavy can a sack of wool be?

-This heavy.

Oh, come on.

THUD

I said it was heavy.

Well, they are heavy.

The woolsacks for the men's races are actually 27 kilograms.

That's the same as 27 litres of milk.

The race has been officially run here in Gloucestershire

for over 30 years.

There are adult, junior and team races,

up or down Gumstool Hill,

a very steep road in the centre of Tetbury.

-To you, then, Ed.

-To me.

-To you, then.

-To me, Johny.

-You've not got your side properly.

-Oh. Ah.

-You all right, guys?

-Yeah. Is your name Lee?

-That's right.

Nice to meet you, guys.

We understood you've got some tips about how to lift this

and run up a hill.

It's mind over matter. Everyone's heard of that. Yeah?

Yeah. I've got the mind, I'm just not sure I've got the matter.

You say you're going to give us advice,

but, surely, it's just about brute strength.

-Possibly, yeah, you're getting there, yeah.

-Oh, dear.

There's three simple, safe rules you must follow with this.

Grasping the woolsack, one leg in front of the other, squat down,

one big loop, as you stand up, throw it onto your shoulders.

Squat, loop, on the shoulders.

Well done with the invisible, weightless sacks.

Make sure you have one leg in front of the other.

When you're lifting up, your back is very straight,

holding the sack.

Feet looking good. Straight backs, lovely.

You're really getting the hang of this,

carrying invisible, weightless sacks.

Normally, when you're running, you'd run upright.

With this sack, for safety, you hold on tight and you run low.

Keep low, hold tight. Perfect.

I think we're going to have to move on

from invisible, weightless sacks.

-It's hard enough doing it with just the air.

-Come on, guys, keep trying.

-Come on, guys, well done. Keep trying.

-I can't do it.

-Come on, Ed.

-So, at this point...?

-Just get it, one big loop, Johny,

on your shoulders.

Come on. That's it, guys. Be careful, be careful, guys.

Work hard. Fantastic. Fantastic, well done.

It's harder than it looks, OK? It's heavy, this.

Well done. Excellent, guys. Excellent. Fantastic, guys.

Keep going. That's brilliant.

I can't do it any longer. Ah.

Good, I managed about three metres, there.

-I bet they make cushions, though.

-Oh, yeah.

Don't get too comfy there, boys, because you'll be seeing Lee later,

when you two race to win the All Over The Place Woolsack challenge.

It's thought that Woolsack Racing could be around 400 years old

and that it started with young men racing with their heavy sacks

to try and impress the local ladies.

I wonder how Ed and Johny will get on with that.

You know what, there's two of us carrying this at the moment.

-And it's not even up the steepest bit.

-I know.

-Hello, ladies.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello. You're a lady, aren't you?

-I am.

-Are you impressed with that?

-It's a biggin.

Wow, big, strong boys.

Eh? You see. Maybe it does impress the ladies, after all.

Would you be impressed if we ran up this hill with this on our back?

-Yeah.

-She would.

-Yeah.

All this time, all that I had to do was carry a sack of wool up a hill.

If only I'd known! That's where I've been going wrong all these years.

Oh, yes, babe magnets.

Oh, bless. Look at them.

Confident and ready to go.

Throwing some shapes and busting some lovely moves, there.

All very nice, chaps. But, remember, you've not even seen a race yet.

KLAXON

TANNOY: Blue and yellow in the lead. Oh, my goodness.

There is no way that I'd still be running at that point.

Look how fast they set off!

That is incredible.

-Oh, we're doomed, we're doomed.

-This could be embarrassing.

Watch and learn, chaps.

Take some tips from how the other racers do it.

Yey! Well done.

-Even the kids look good at this, don't they?

-I know, I know.

To be fair, they are like big pillows, the ones they're running.

Yeah, that is true. Ours are sort of king-size pillows.

If I were to use one of those, you think anyone would notice?

Maybe not. Maybe you should.

Maybe they'll just think I'm a really big man.

15 yards ago. Oh, my God, he's fallen down.

-Did you see him fall over?

-Yeah, course.

He completely stacked.

Not only have you got to worry about the weight and the hill,

but also about slipping over and... This could be...

I don't want to do this.

Never mind, guys. The only way is up.

Actually, for the individual race you're running in,

that's true in every way.

We found out that our race starts at the bottom of the hill.

We thought we might have a slightly easier ride going down,

but, no, we're going up.

Going downhill would've been an uphill struggle enough.

We're doing an uphill uphill struggle.

-Rex is the pantomime horse.

-They're announcing us now.

Johny and Ed are the other two runners.

They're our competitors.

Listen, as long as... We've got to beat the horse.

Yes, Johny, it's you and Ed against a pantomime horse

and sack race specialist, Lee.

-We've got to warm up.

-Lee's just doing this. Here we go.

He's doing that now. Let's do... He's doing this.

Yeah, but he's not doing it like that, Ed.

Do we look like we know what we're doing?

No. But it's too late to back out now.

And they're off!

And Lee goes straight into the lead, no surprise there.

Johny seems to be starting well.

Oh, Ed's a little slow off the blocks.

But it looks like he might overtake the pantomime horse.

Oh, no he isn't. Oh, yes he is.

Lee's miles ahead,

but Johny is still in front of Ed in the race that really matters.

I hope you're enjoying this, ladies, cos I'm not.

Oh, I'm sure they are, Ed. But can you catch Johny?

The race is on.

Come on!

Ed is catching.

He sees a gap on the inside of Johny and, oh, yes, he's going for it!

Johny fights back and it's too close to call,

going into the home straight.

But, oh, yes! Ed has pulled in front

and Ed wins by a whisker.

-Ah.

-A relaxed-looking Lee finished the race in 59 seconds.

But before the judges confirm Ed and Johny's times,

let's have a look at that winning moment again.

And there's nothing Johny could do to stop Ed from winning.

-But well done to you both.

-I thought I had you. You caught me up.

-I thought you had me.

-You caught me up and then, my legs just gave way.

I was going to start walking, I thought I'd left you in the dust.

And then, I see little Petrie-legs coming up behind me.

-Now, Johny, you did one minute 14 seconds.

-OK.

-And Ed cracked it with one minute 13 seconds.

-One second in it.

-Oh, man.

-What a wonderful result. Congratulations.

-Here's the Woolsack Trophy.

-Thank you. Thank you.

You know what, it was so close, shall we call it a draw?

You know what, Ed, you're patronising me by, you know,

you clearly won and you're saying that it was a draw,

-but I'll take it, yes, thank you. Yes, we both won.

-Yeah.

I'm going to go off and impress some ladies.

-Hello, ladies, here I am.

-We're here, we're here.

You've been watching All Over The Place!

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