Dog Collars, Horseshoes and Racing Waiters All Over the Place

Get set for a rip-roaring rampage around the UK.

Ed and Naomi have the best seat in the house,

Johny goes to the dogs,

Andy has a scout around,

Rani hunts for some shoes,

and Barney is thirsty for success.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates all over the place

# It's true what you've heard Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

# But it turns up all over the place. #

This is beautiful, Ed. Where are we?

This is Leeds Castle, Johny.

Leeds? Yorkshire? I'm at home.

Ho-ho! How's about that, then?

Yeah, very nice.

Hold on a minute. It doesn't look like Yorkshire.

HE SNIFFS

It doesn't smell like Yorkshire.

Now for the ultimate test.

It doesn't taste like Yorkshire.

That's cos we're not in Yorkshire.

Leeds Castle is in Kent, about 200 miles from Yorkshire.

Oh.

Leeds Castle is almost 900 years old

and has been called the loveliest castle in the world.

It's been added to and given make-overs by many kings and queens.

In the 13th century, Edward I built some of the castle's defences,

though obviously not personally.

Henry VIII turned it into a royal palace in 1512

for his first wife, Catherine of Aragon

and it was bought by a wealthy American in the 1920s

and spruced right up,

before being used as a military hospital during World War II.

I wonder what Nick Knowles would have done with the place.

I'm Nick Knowles. The year's 1278 and this is Castle Makeover Challenge.

I'm here at Leeds Castle with its current owner, King Edward I.

So, Teddy, I gather you want to make a few changes.

Yes, well, the castle recently became a royal castle,

so I wanted to add some defensive structures -

a barbican, a drawbridge, a portcullis.

Great. Well, I think you're going to love what we've done with it.

OK, Tedster, you can take a look now.

What we've done is, we've brought in a few soft furnishings

to give the place a more relaxed feel.

What do you think?

GET OUT!

-ECHO:

-Get out! Get out...!

234 years later, Nick's back with a new challenge.

HE PLAYS A FANFARE

I'm Nick Knowles. The year's 1512 and this is Castle Makeover Challenge.

I'm here in Leeds Castle with the current owner, Henry VIII.

Now, mate, I gather you're looking to make some changes.

Yes, well, I just recently married Catherine of Aragon

so I need to make some changes fit for a Tudor queen.

Great. Well, I think you're going to love what we've done.

HE PLAYS ANOTHER FANFARE

OK, big guy, you can take a look now.

So what we've done is, we've brought in a few soft...

GET OUT!

ECHO: Get out! Get out...!

400 years later and Nick's at it again.

I'm Nick Knowles, here at Leeds Castle,

which has been requisitioned by the Royal Air Force.

They've turned it into a hospital for injured airmen.

It's World War II and this is Castle Makeover Challenge.

AIR RAID SIREN

Right, stop that noise! I'm the Air Chief Marshall.

We all know where this is going to go.

-But I brought in a few soft...

-GET OUT!

And, you lot - ATTEN-SHUN!

They give a more relaxed...

GET OUT!

-ECHO:

-Get out! Get out...!

There's lots to see here, Johny. There's an aviary with birds in it.

It's not a Yorkshire, Ed.

OK, well, there's a picnic area,

although only food and drink bought on the premises

-may be consumed here.

-Still not Yorkshire, lad.

All right, well, there's a dog collar museum.

What?!

I never noticed that before.

The museum has over 100 dog collars in its collection,

which covers 500 years of doggie decoration.

That's not to be sniffed at.

What a weird subject for a museum.

It's so bizarre. Look at these ones.

Small head!

THEY LAUGH

Wow! Talk about doggie bling. That's incredible.

I'd wear one of those around MY neck.

Yeah, I think it'd look pretty good.

You know, these are about 300 years old.

That's amazing! Look at them.

Yeah, I know. They come from Germany and Austria.

-Must've had some fashionable dogs back then.

-Tell me about it!

Can you imagine them walking down the catwalk?

Actually, can you get a dog down a catwalk?

Und here is ze latest fashion all ze way from Germany.

It is a leather collar encrusted with diamante,

a must-have for the designer accessory pooches of Bavaria,

as modelled by Herr Boy und his dog, Herr Ball.

Look at that one - there's a padlock on that. Pretty hardcore!

Yeah, dogs were a lot more security-conscious back then.

They used to sell these in the 1850s in London markets.

For those preferring more of a Cockerney look,

here's what's all the rage in the East End of London,

a tasteful brass range with a padlock accessory,

fashionable and practical,

as modelled by Barry Boy and his dog, Cheeky Chappie.

Ha! Look, they've even got collars for punk dogs. Rock on!

Yeah, or Goths. Goth dogs would like these as well.

-I'll tell you what these are actually for.

-Go on.

Did you know that dogs were sometimes attacked by wild wolves?

-Really? So this is like doggie battle armour?

-Basically, yeah.

And here we see an example from the protection collection.

This really is the must-have look of the season with the added value

of defending the delicate neck area, so popular with the wild animals.

These are beautifully modelled by Frazer Sharp and his dog, Spike.

You know what, Ed? It might not be Yorkshire,

but I've got to admit I've had a great time here. It's brilliant.

Oh, cool! I'm glad you liked it.

You see, there are some places in the UK just as nice as Yorkshire.

Don't talk so daft, lad!

Ah! I love getting out into the fresh air.

I've got blisters, my blisters have got blisters.

Oh, come on. You love camping, really.

Oh, yeah, I love camping(!)

What's the point when you've got a perfectly good house at home?

Oh, good. You can stop your rambling. We're here.

Ed is never going to stop rambling, or moaning,

and I can't understand it because this is gorgeous.

Ed and Naomi, you have 47 seconds to find out as much as you can

about Chiltern Open Air Museum.

Naomi, you've got Sue, who's the director at the museum.

Ed, you've got Heather, who's a volunteer.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.

Three, two, one, go!

-Right, Sue, let's go.

-Hi.

-What is the oldest building here?

Well, the oldest building is the Iron Age House because it's re-erected.

They're old. Why not build new stuff?

They're far too precious.

Why have the buildings been restored here?

It's important to save them.

They've been knocked down elsewhere so we built them here to show people.

There's scaffolding over there.

Are you building new buildings and lying to people?

-We're rebuilding an old one.

-Oh, good. Well done, you!

Is it very chilly in Chiltern often?

Oh, very chilly in the wintertime.

-It says you're a volunteer.

-I am.

-Don't you get paid to work here?

-No.

-Amazing! Can I be a volunteer?

-Yes.

Great! I'm quite busy, so probably won't.

Which building was the most expensive to renovate?

The one at the entrance called the Astleham Manor Cottage.

It cost about £100,000.

Why are so many buildings made from wood? They'll burn down.

HOOTER BUZZES

I don't think I did very well.

And the person that found out the most facts is...

Ed!

Ohhh!

Really?! Really?!

Gutted.

Oh, wow, I can't believe I did that!

Oh, he's never going to let me live this down.

I thought I was absolutely appalling. Ha ha!

33 is the magic number...

Right, let's find out more about this place.

They reckon this used to be stables

but at some point it became a house and a shoe shop.

Oh, wow!

You wouldn't need the gym with stuff this heavy.

-I wouldn't touch that as it might be...

-Owww!

It's all right. It's not turned on!

Where's the flush for this thing?

Oh, no, they didn't have flushes.

You've just got to put soil on it after you've been.

Urgh! And where's the toilet paper?

Oh, I seem to have some in here,

some nice pieces of non-scratchy newspap...

Ed, you're not actually using this as a toilet, are you?

Er, no. Ha!

Don't be stupid!

Actually, why have I got the door open?

HE FARTS AND GROANS

Yeah, I want to find out about this. It looks like a giant teepee.

It's a bit like our tent, isn't?

I think you'll find it's actually a reconstructed Iron Age roundhouse

from around 2500BC, to be precise.

-Thank you very much, Professor(!)

-You're welcome.

It does make you wonder, though, doesn't it?

-What was life like for the poor people who had to live in that?

-Hmm.

Hey there. I'm Ed Petrie. I'm going to show you around my crib.

This is my state-of-the-art security system.

It's to keep my dogs and oxen in, and wild rampaging bears out.

It doesn't work all the time.

Last week, my brother was eaten by a bear.

That's the back door but I think

you're going to find it much more impressive round the front.

Take your muddy shoes off and find yourself a corner!

I'm joking. It's a roundhouse.

There are no corners and the floor's made of cobbles and mud anyway

so leave your shoes on.

Now, this is where the magic happ...

ED COUGHS VIOLENTLY

Sorry about that. It's the price I pay

for my top-of-the-range heating and lighting system.

Gets smoky in here cos there's no hole in the ceiling but still,

it keeps out the vermin. Ooh, talking of vermin.

You need to clean this floor better. It's filthy.

Well, what do you expect?

It's made of cobbles and mud.

Yeah, I know. I was joking.

Anyway, I'm just going to hit the fridge

because this place is stocked to the max, with wild garlic.

HE EXHALES

Don't worry about my breath, you won't smell it.

No, but I do. It stinks.

It's covered in Iron Age daub or straw and cow poo,

as it's also known.

Cow poo?!

Yeah, so wild garlic is the least of your worries.

Are you having a laugh?

I'm not living in a house that's made of poo. This is ridiculous.

Oh, no, hang on! Don't go out there. My brother was eaten by a...

GROWLING

SHE SCREAMS

..bear.

I did try and tell her.

You saw.

'Do you know who this is, Andy?'

'No idea.'

'This is Lord Baden Powell. He invented the Scouts.'

'He invented them?'

'Yeah, well, he started it all.'

'Why is he here in Poole harbour, then?'

'Because over there is Brownsea Island which is where

'the first ever Scout camp was held.'

'Hm, nice view.'

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag...

'There's now over 28 million Scouts in the whole world.'

'That's a whole lot of badges.'

'How many badges have you got, Andy?'

'I've got loads.'

'I reckon I've got more than you.'

'Let's have a look, then.'

'Best dancer badge? That doesn't sound right.'

'Well, it is. Believe me. Check this out.'

'Hold on. Cake eating badge?'

'Fake laughing badge?'

'Bad loser badge?'

'Best TV presenter badge? Oi, mate, these are all made up.'

'No. They're not. Anyway, what have you got?'

-'Camping in dangerous places badge.'

-'I'm pretty tough, me.'

The most dangerous place to camp would be the moon

because if it was a half moon, you'd have nowhere to put your tent

and then you'd probably slide off.

If you set up your tent and you forgot your peg

and you went inside, the tent would just float away.

You wouldn't be able to build a campfire

because it would just float away.

If you wanted to cook, you'd maybe have a packet of sausages

and go "doooo" by the sun.

You wouldn't be able to eat anything

as it would just go, "Clink, clink," off the helmet.

I tell you, this run of bad luck I'm having is getting ridiculous.

I mean...

SQUELCHING

Oh, not again!

I've been having bad luck all week and it just keeps getting wor...

Arrrgh!

Ohhh! I'm a liability!

I know, honey, but that's why I've brought you here

to Oakham Castle, to change your luck.

How's a castle going to change my luck?

This place is full of things that are recognised as lucky symbols.

But, before we go in, let's get that lollipop out of your hair.

-RIIIP!

-AAAARGH!

-Oh, this is amazing!

-Yeah.

It's like a luck factory, where luck comes from, the home of luck!

This is why we're here. Ed, Jeremy. Jeremy, Ed.

-Jeremy looks after the collection.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You must be the luckiest man in the world!

Let's hope your luck rubs off on me.

It'd probably be better if I stood next to horseshoes.

They're even luckier. Begone, bad luck!

Sorry.

All these horseshoes have some sort of nobility or aristocracy

attached to them.

That's why some have crowns on them?

Why don't you have a go at finding all the different ones?

-Hm.

-Detective work.

OK, even though you two are normally clueless,

let's play the great horseshoe detective challenge.

Rani, you're up first.

Find the oldest.

OK, how hard can that be? Some actually have dates on them. 1890...

OK, Ed, your turn.

Find the most recent.

Most recent? Most recent.

Er, it's probably got neon lights on it and things like that,

fairy lights.

1804, no, no. '67...

1470!

1470, from Edward IV. Yes, I am right!

Find the red one.

A red one? A red trim - will that do you?

2003, that's pretty new, isn't?

I think I've spotted it. Is it a diddy one?

Oh, no, hang on. 2005.

That one. 2005, I reckon.

That's pretty good.

Find a wooden one.

Wooden one, wooden one, erm...

A diddy one in the corner.

Yes?

They're all made of metal! None of these are wood.

I would class it as slightly maroon, not just quite red.

Oh, I give up. I give up! I don't know. I don't know!

Me, Jeremy, I'm the winner? I'm so pleased.

It's just amazing, the magnifier, I'm just so happy I won.

I won and luck had nothing to do with it.

Ooooh!

Ooh, I know. Huffy!

..which is made of wood,

and Ed couldn't find it.

Hang on, I know why I didn't win that game.

Cos you're rubbish?

No! Not because I'm rubbish.

It's because these horseshoes are hung the wrong way round.

Ed's right. Horseshoes are supposed to be hung the other way round,

so they can carry luck.

But no-one knows why these ones are hung this way.

The mystery continues!

This isn't lucky. This isn't lucky at all. I'm getting out of here.

CLANG!

Now that was lucky. That could have hit me.

So many horseshoes but what shoes would a horse choose,

if a horse was to lose its shoes and could choose shoes?

Oh, wow, look at all these shoes! This is brilliant!

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah, I want the coolest, most exciting pair of shoes ever.

Well, I've got these flip-flops. You stick this bit between your toes.

Only I haven't got toes. I've got a hoof.

Yeah, you need less of a flip-flop, more of a clip-clop.

ED SNORTS

OK, I've got these lovely slippers.

Why would I want to slip anywhere?

Might as well get a pair of fally-overs or trippity-uppers.

How about these moon boots?

When was the last time you saw a horse on the moon?

How many horses have you seen in a shoe shop?

Right, that's it. I'm off down the blacksmith's.

Right, yeah, where they take big metal plates like these

and take a big hammer and nail them into your little hooves.

Hey, they're your feet.

Actually, those flip-flops could work, if I glued them on.

And people say, "Why the long face?"

Have you got them in size eight?

Oi!

# I'm Sir Lionel Lyde, a wealthy man

# If I want to buy something, I can

# And back in the 1770s

# Bought a title and a manor house, near Welwyn, see?

# Liked the house, but for a lark

# Built a Georgian mansion in a nearby park

# A tasteful pad, sure you'll agree

# And I thought to myself, "That'll do for meeeeee!"

# A nice big house in the countryside

# Built by me, Sir Lionel Lyde

# Just one problem when I stepped inside

# A beautiful view had been denied

# When I looked out across that lawn

# My heart came over all forlorn

# Slap bang in the middle of my lovely view

# The church of Ayot St Lawrence What's a man to do?

# Obvious answer was knock it down

# Quickly while no-one's around

# It seemed the sensible option to me

# But the Bishop of Lincoln didn't agreeeeeee

# Where's my church in the countryside?

# You can't do this, Sir Lionel Lyde

# Demolition I can't abide

# To build us another You are obliged

# So I thought to myself, "Right, Bish, we'll see"

# How this church looked Yeah, it's up to me

# So after I had a little think for a while

# I built it in the neoclassical style

# Cos I've got to look at it all day long

# I made it nice How can that be wrong?

# It looks like a temple All flamboyant

# But only when you look at it from the fronnnnt

# A big new church in the countryside

# Looks really good Well, it does from this side

# Round the back I think you'll find

# For the locals, it's a little less refined... #

What? I'm them as well?

Ugh...

# Where Sir Lionel's view ends This old redbrick does begin

# And so we don't disturb his view This is where we go in... #

I'm Lionel again, yeah?

And his wife?! Oh, come on!

# A big new church in the countryside

# For Lionel and his not-so-darling bride

# To gaze upon till the day they die

# They were buried in tombs on opposite sides

# That's the story of Sir Lionel Lyde

# And this unusual church

# In the countryyyyyy...

# ..side. #

Ugh!

I'm so hungry, Barney.

Mate, I'm starving. Did you hear that thunder before?

-Yeah.

-Wasn't thunder. My belly.

-Really?

-Yeah.

No surprise. Half an hour and nobody's taken our order.

I know. Where have all the waiters gone?

They're probably here...

They must be exhausted!

The course is flat, which is lucky

as the competitors have to carry a drink on a tray.

The winner of the race

is the waiter who spills

the least drink from their cup,

so fastest is not always best.

I'm a waiter today. Why are you dressed like one?

I'm taking part in the waiter race.

I'm doing the waiter race.

Though, fortunately for them, dribbling is allowed.

It's been a while since I was a waiter.

Let's go and see if I can pick up a few suggestions.

Roxy has won this race two years in a row,

mainly cos she's on an emu. I suppose that helps,

but speed isn't always necessarily the way to this race, is it?

No, if you run too fast, you'll spill too much liquid

and that's how you lose, really.

Hello, you lot, can I take your order?

Oh, you've already got food.

Just practicing.

I was thinking I could drink the juice and run with it.

-Think that would work?

-No.

You need good hand skills.

I've got great hands.

Feel those. Soft as a baby's bum.

Have you got any idea how I'm going to win this race?

-Cheat.

-That's my kind of language.

-BOTH:

-OK, let's start training.

To help the boys prepare for the waiters' race,

we've set up an obstacle course.

Look out for the hazards...

an angry chef,

a can of potential trip,

and wobbly jelly.

I hope Barney doesn't get hit by the big hand that pointing at his tray.

He's picking up the jelly and putting it on the tray,

It's literally on the tray, not on the plate.

What are you doing?

Oh, the angry chef! Watch out!

He's ducking, bobbing, weaving, diving, round the tree.

He's missed the chef and is on the home straight.

Oh, it's the can of trip. He's over it. Remarkable!

But he's dropped his plate.

He's now heading for the finish line Look at Ed, he's looking worried.

Who can blame him with that angry chef?

What's going on here?

Barney's cheating, holding Ed back,

but Ed's off and he's got the jelly and it stays on the tray.

Nice technique, Ed.

But what's going to happen with the angry chef?

Oh, he's really terrified but he's round him and he's round the tree.

Oh, great technique, holding on to the tree.

What technique's he going to use on the can? Oh, a big run-up at it.

He's hit the can of trip.

He's tripped! Oh, no, he's tripped!

He's blown it. Ed has blown the whole thing.

The jelly's on the floor. It's all over.

You're going down, Petrie.

No. You're going down.

-IMITATES JOHN ANDERSON:

-Contenders, are you ready?

It's time to race waiters.

I'm a bit worried I might fall over.

Yeah, a couple of people have fallen over before.

-Have they?

-Yeah.

-Serious injuries?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

And they're off to an equally flying start.

Oh, ho-ho! That is one fizzy, fizzy drink!

You've got to get all the liquid back, haven't you?

How are you...

Hang on, what's Barney up to?

Oh, I think he's going to put the drink in his stomach

and he won't spill it, but it's meant to stay in your glass, Barney!

Hang on, if whoever's got the most liquid wins,

I'm going to get as much in here as I can.

That's right, Ed.

You should remind your fellow TV presenter of the rules.

I think all that gas in your stomach will give you jet propulsion.

Ed's taking it slow and steady.

But Barney, he's just slurping.

Oh, I can't believe this.

I've got all of mine. It's in here, though.

Everyone else in the race has finished,

except for careful Ed, who's not spilled a single drop.

Well, that was an interesting race.

Quick start, cheeky monkey,

steady Eddie, but will Barney's thirst to win backfire on him?

He's been disqualified.

Been disqualified?

Yes, Barney, disqualified!

You're meant to race with your drink in the cup.

Nice try, though. Cheat!

That's never happened on the show before. That's a first.

I've never been disqualified in my life.

What, for anything, ever?

It was worth it, though. I was really thirsty.

With Barney - cheat - out of the game, let's see how Ed's got on.

Oh, congratulations!

Second place, Ed, not bad at all.

Barney - cheat - will be fizzing,

just like his drink.

Well, Dave, I think we know the answer to this

but it's music to my ears. Who won?

I think the winner of this competition would be you, Ed.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Well done.

-Do I get to keep the tips?

-Oh, yes, indeed.

-Lovely.

-What did you get?

-Wind.

Oh.

Since I beat Barney Harwood, he has to wait on me hand and foot.

Garcon!

Garcon, where is my jelly, cream and biscuits?

Coming, sir.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so...

Oh, I really am a TRIFLE sorry, sir.

Sorry.

You've been watching All Over The Place!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd