Teddies, Penguins and Shooting Peas All Over the Place

Sit back and enjoy the UK's weirdest road trip,

as Ed and Iain go pea shooting...

-Don't put me off, this is the world championship.

-Sorry.

-..Andy gets a bear hug...

-I'm feeling the love.

..Barney goes Gaga...

and Naomi shuts Ed's cakehole.

# All over the place All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

I wonder where Ed is.

-Argh!

-Oh!

-Ed, what are you doing?!

-I thought you said

there's something magical about this station.

Ed, you're in a MUGGLE.

It's not wizard magic, it's just magic,

because it's the world's smallest public railway.

-And here's our train, Ed.

-We're not there yet.

We have to walk to it first. It's over there.

-Now, it's right here in front of us.

-No, it's over... Ow!

It's a normal train, it's just a third of the size, scaled down.

The carriages are so small...

A bit of a squeeze!

Ho, ho!

Who came up with the idea for this? This is absolutely barmy.

-I think it was a couple of millionaires.

-Eccentric millionaires?

Yeah. Too much money, didn't know what to do with it,

and thought, "I know, I'll make a nice mini railway."

I wonder how two millionaire racing drivers from the 1920s

dreamt up that idea.

-By Jove, we really are uncommonly rich.

-We certainly are.

About as rich as two very rich, super-posh racing car drivers,

if you ask me.

We are two very rich, super-posh racing car drivers!

THEY GUFFAW

But here's a question for you,

what are we going to do with our spare money?

Hmm, that is a toughie.

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

TRAIN WHISTLES

-Jeepers, Louis! The answer was in front of us the whole time!

-Tea!

-No! This is what were going to spend our spare cash on.

-Magazines!

-No.

We are going to build a brand-new, spanking miniature public railway.

Well, tickle my tummy with a toothbrush and poke me in the eye,

you've done it again, you clever old thing!

Thanks, Louis. By designing and constructing a railway

a third the size of a normal railway,

ours will be just a little bit...

-Faster?

-No.

-Cheaper?

-No.

-Faster?

-No, smaller!

-Oh.

One third to be precise.

Of course, there are other miniature railways,

so we should make ours 14 miles long.

So it'll be by far the biggest smallest railway in the country.

Hang on, old chap. Are we building the biggest or the smallest?

Why, the biggest smallest, of course!

It's time to play the biggest smallest game show in the UK,

Millionaires On A Train.

The rules are terribly, terribly simple.

We've hidden objects that might have been used

by millionaire from the 1920s on two railway station platforms.

All you have to do is find them and the winner gets to drive the train.

Go!

-What am I looking for?

-Hurry along before the train leaves.

-Where's the props? Have you seen 'em?

-Oh, that's it!

I reckon it's this! Ah-ha!

They're all mine! They're mine, they're all mine!

-They're all mine.

-No fair!

All right, seeing as you lost that one,

-you should look after all the luggage.

-Right.

There you go.

-Ah, that's better.

-I don't like this game!

Go!

Right, I'm going to hold you back.

THEY LAUGH

Sorry! Looking for something to do with a 1920s millionaire.

-Right. Where is it?

-There's nothing here!

-There must be.

-Oh! Cakes and stuff!

-Jelly! Oh, no!

Oh, no, this is going to be really hard to carry!

Guess who's going to be driving the train? Toot-toot!

Shh!

TRAIN WHISTLES

MUSIC: "Bohemian Like You" by The Dandy Warhols

I'm driving the train!

TRAIN TOOTS

Whoa!

-Poop-poop!

-TRAIN TOOTS

Oh, Ed, I am excited about this fishing trip.

-Have you got your sister's jacket on today?

-No, I'm being economical.

-Oh.

Rutland is England's smallest county.

When I heard that, I thought I might not fit into it,

with all my big stuff. I'm quite tall. So I got a small jacket.

-Got myself a small little hat.

-Nice.

-Scaled down the old fishing rod.

-OK.

-And this is our lunch.

It's small, but it's not THAT small, Ed.

Ed, are you all right, mate?

I'm starting to regret putting the small pants on.

This is Rutland Reservoir.

It's in England's smallest county, how ironic!

Normanton church is all that remains of three villages

which used to be here.

But don't worry, all the people were moved out before it was flooded.

Ed and Rani, you have 36 seconds to find out as much as you can

about Rutland's reservoir.

Ed, you have Angela.

Rani, you have Andy.

Three, two, one... Go!

-Hello. I have loads of questions about the chapel.

-OK.

-Why is it sticking out in the water?

-When the reservoir was built,

the church was saved, so it's still here.

-When was Rutland reservoir built?

-1973.

-Is it still used as a chapel?

-It is, for weddings.

-I could get married there?

-You can.

I'm not planning to, but it's great to know.

-How much water does it hold?

-When it's full, 124 billion litres.

-Does the vicar have a boat?

-No, he doesn't.

-How deep is it?

-35 metres deep.

-What is it made of?

-Sandstone.

What about the circumference?

25 miles around, taking in the peninsula.

There's another church there, is it in the water?

-No, it's not.

-BUZZER

And the winner is...

Ed!

-Oh!

-Yes!

Oh, yes! Thank you. Thank you, church.

-What?

-I'm going to throw you into that reservoir in a second.

So, Rani, do you know why it looks so weird?

Not you, John, you live around here.

I don't think it looks weird. It's a perfectly formed...

-It's not perfectly formed. The scale is all wrong.

-Is it?

Yeah, look. It's big at the top and then there's nothing at the bottom.

It's completely out of scale.

-So why is that the case?

-Well, it's because they filled half of it with

rubble and concrete, because half of that is underground and underwater.

-Is this true, John?

-That's the truth.

-It's true. It's true.

-I thought I might see a few chimney pots out here.

-No, no.

They actually demolished the buildings.

Just as well all the villagers got re-housed

before the valley got flooded.

No-one would be daft enough to think they had to live underwater.

-Or would they?

-Hiya, Bob.

-Hello. Got any bargains?

-No, not really.

-You've been busy, what have you got?

-Armbands.

I didn't know you couldn't swim.

They're not for me, they're for my cousin, Archie.

-He's a terrible swimmer.

-Right.

So, um, what's that for?

Ah, that isn't apparatus for breathing underwater.

What you do is you put it on your head and then you got...

I know that. It's a snorkel, but why have you bought it?

It's not for me, it's for my auntie, Sandra. She loves to snorkel.

Whereas I, on the other hand, will be wearing these.

Why?

Well, I'm not going to be wearing high heels, am I?

So you're going on a family holiday then?

Oh, no, this is for when they come to visit me.

In the village.

-After the flood.

-You can't live here after the flood.

-Why? Do you think the vicar will mind?

-The vicar won't be here.

-Then they'll never know.

-No, that's not what I mean.

I mean this entire area is going to be the largest man-made lake

in the entire country.

It's going to be covered in 3,100 acres of water. No-one will be here!

Well, in that case, I'll be the sole inhabitant...

of the new Atlantis f the East Midlands!

Whilst the people of the future enjoy delightful bike rides

along the shore of Rutland water, I will be watching,

forever watching from my underwater village of wonder.

-Where are you going to live?

-I've already thought of that.

I've ordered a submarine.

It's only £129.99 and includes postage and packing

and you get a free remote control, as well.

-It's a toy submarine.

-Eh?

-It's 1 to 32 scale.

-Eh?

It's only two foot long!

Hmm. You're right,

it might be a bit cramped. I'll order one for the wife, as well.

Ed, welcome to Great Britain's smallest house, here in Conwy.

Wow!

# All the small things... #

It's just over three metres tall and 1.8 meters wide.

# I'll take one lift... #

Who would fit in a house like this?

Well, the last person to fit here was a fisherman called Robert Jones.

He must be small fry.

In fact, he was a whopper - even taller than you, Ed.

# Watching, waiting... #

I'm guessing this isn't your typical one up, one down.

Upstairs, let's see, a dressing table, a bed, that's it.

Well, downstairs, there's a fireplace and a seat.

Do you know what, Ed? You have to go outside to go the toilet.

No wonder the fishermen moved out.

Looks a bit of a squeeze.

-Maybe someone put the house in the wash and it shrunk.

-Yikes.

What if that happened to all buildings? Like the post office?

-Or the baker's?

-Or the cinema?

Imagine if your school started shrinking!

If my school started shrinking, it would be quite good.

All the books would get tiny, you couldn't read,

so you wouldn't have school.

If we were in the canteen and the food shrank,

I'd stuff it all in my mouth and try and run away.

If we were in school and it shrank

and we were sitting on a chair, it would break

and the teacher would tell us off and would be very angry.

Did you just break that chair?

It's not my fault, the school's shrinking!

We'd try to lift the roof up, but in the end we'd have to run out

and leave our teacher there to get squashed.

What's wrong, Ed? You look a bit sad.

-I've lost something important to me.

-What's that?

The most important thing in my life. I'm losing sleep over it.

Come on, talk to Uncle Andy, what have you lost?

ED MUMBLES Sorry, I can't hear you.

-It's my little...

-Come on, speak up, what is it?

It's my little Teddy Eddie!

Your teddy bear?

He has a name, you know!

All right. Come with me, let's sort this out.

-I reckon you'll find it in here, though.

-Yeah, maybe. Quiet, Andy.

Don't wake that bear up, could be dangerous.

So, Jackie, you love teddy bears so much

-that you actually opened your own museum with your collection.

-I did.

And this beautiful bear is our prized possession.

He is very, very old. He dates to about 1906.

-He's over 100 years old.

-That's an old bear.

-He's older than my gran!

-But isn't he cute?

Yeah, very nice. But you do have life-size teddy bears here,

-don't you?

-We do.

-We have lots of life-size teddy bears.

-Oh!

-Don't do that!

-You scared me.

-I scared

-me!

-That's Uncle.

-Hello, Uncle.

-He plays the piano.

-Nice.

-He seems friendly enough.

-He's friendly. And quite cuddly.

But not as cuddly as these guys.

-Is it all right to touch them?

-Absolutely.

-Get a look at that.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Feeling the love!

-That one's is even cuddlier.

-I'll pick that one up.

-Grab that one.

-They've got much bigger arms.

-I'm getting sentimental.

These are modern teddy bears?

-HE SCREAMS

-Help, Jackie! Help!

This one's wild, you didn't tell me.

I guess all these bears have their own little personalities, don't they?

Absolutely. And so many of them have been loved.

-Some look a bit startled. Like this one up here.

-Yes.

That's cos some haven't got any clothes on.

# Ready, ready, Ready Teddy I'm ready, ready, Ready Teddy

# I'm ready, Ready Teddy To rock 'n' roll. #

Would you look at the size of this! A proper Beefeater!

It's the biggest one here.

-And this is the smallest one.

-Look at that guy.

-Bit of a difference.

-Yeah. Do you think they get on?

He looks a bit grumpy, I'm not sure they do.

I wonder who's winning the staring competition.

A stare-off or a bear-off? Shall we have a bear-off?

-Let's have a bear-off.

-All right.

Hang on, guys, these bears don't actually ever move.

This could go on for some time.

-This could go on for some time.

-I said that!

Don't you think it's weird these bears live in the same house

and they've never met?

Hang on a minute, I feel a game show coming on!

Hello and welcome to I Bear-ly Know You,

the show that reunites long-lost family and friends

with someone who really couldn't give a stuff.

Now, we've just surprised Patricia in her home.

Isn't that right, Patricia?

You have to speak up, I can BEAR-ly hear you.

Still quite shocked.

We're going to reunite you with a bear you haven't seen for 15 years.

By the wonders of satellite link-up, we're going to Leslie.

Hello, Leslie.

Actually, it's Andy. OK, hi, guys. I'm with Bearnice.

Bearnice, how do you feel about seeing Patricia

for the first time in 15 years?

As you can see, someone's a bit choked up,

so do you want to give a brother a hug? A bear hug? Come here.

Back to you in the studio.

Remember your cousin who you haven't seen for 15 years?

Well, you're going to see her now. Back to you, Leslie.

My name is Andy!

OK, hi. As you can see, I'm in the kitchen with the girls.

This one is Bear Ninny.

Bear Ninny, how do you feel about seeing your cousin?

Seems the girls are a bit quiet, they are a bit shy.

Let's hope there hasn't been a falling out,

cos things could get a bit GRIZZLY.

Back to the studio.

Oh, that's why he's called Winnie the Pooh.

I just thought it was because he... Oh, we're back.

Now, are you ready for surprise guest number three?

All right, have it your way. Back to you, Leslie.

The name is ANDY!

Hi, Sarah. The last time you saw Patricia, you were BEAR-ly walking.

Anything to say?

No. Didn't think so. Back to the studio.

You wouldn't catch me hibernating all winter,

some of us have work to do. Oh, we're back.

Well, Patricia, I can now reveal that we are sending you

on a teddy bear's picnic to celebrate your reunion.

That was I Bear-ly Know You, and that's exactly how it remains.

Good night!

-Andy, look at what I found!

-What?

You found your teddy, that's brilliant!

-He must have climbed into my rucksack.

-Yeah.

Not that I care anyway, I was only joking. It's only a teddy bear.

Yeah, OK, whatever you say.

HE MOUTHS

# And so we find ourselves At Torquay's Coastal Zoo

# Where there is a really fantastic thing we can do

# They're going to let us be zookeepers for the day

-# And meet the penguins

-You're joking, Ed, no way!

# Oh, I can't believe Here at the Living Coasts

# We're going to see the penguins right up close

# So this is Penguin Beach What do you think of that?

# It's been designed just like their natural habitat

# And all the penguins that live here are free to roam

# They've even got a penguin crossing of their own!

# Oh, I'm so excited Man, this is unreal

# We're going to give the penguins all their meal

# They're so sweet, they're so cute

# Oh, I just love their little penguin face

# Pointy beak and beady eyes

# Like they're wearing a suit

# Oh, how I love their little penguin ways

# They've got wings but they can't fly

# The Macaroni penguins standout from the rest

# They're slightly larger with a golden yellow crest

# They live in water Bet you can't swim faster!

# And I thought macaroni was a type of pasta!

# Gosh, these little ones have got a lot to say

# They make a noise just like a donkey's bray... #

HE BRAYS

# I could scream, I could shout

# Cos I just love their little penguin face

# You can watch them underwater

# Look, they waddle about

# Oh, how I love their little penguin ways

# The African ones are much shorter

# Although there are only two different species here

# There are 17 that all live in the Southern Hemisphere

# New Zealand, South America Antarctica mainly

-# And the Galapagos Islands

-Ooh, don't forget Torquay!

# They're so cute, they're so sweet

# Oh, I just love their little penguin face

# Come on, Barney, let's go home

# Tiny wings and webbed feet

# Oh, how I love their little penguin ways

# Wish I had one of my own. #

You've got a nerve, showing your face around here, boy.

This town ain't big enough for the both of us.

-Draw!

-No! Iain, don't shoot, it's me, I come in PEAS.

Mate, what are you dressed as?

I came here for the shootout, what have you come for? Sunday lunch?

It's the pea shooting championship, so I thought I'd get in the mood.

Get in the FOOD more like!

Who better than a four-times world champion to introduce

Ed and Iain to the secrets of successful pea shooting.

-George, I hear you can help us.

-Well, we'll try.

-I think we need help. We've got our pea shooters.

-Good.

-We've got our peas.

-Yeah.

-How do we load them up?

Right. Well, first of all, you've got to get the right peas.

What you want to do is make sure that you've got a nice round one

and that it's going to fit into the tube.

Mine got stuck. It's too big!

-You didn't pick the right pea.

-I picked the wrong pea.

Rule number one.

So it's important to pick good peas.

How do you aim this thing?

Well, that was...

Basically, what you want to do is find a point on the target

and try and repeat it.

Rule number two.

-This is really tricky.

-It isn't as easy as it looks.

ED PUFFS

Rule number three.

-George.

-Emergency!

-Practice abandoned!

I have a rogue pea trapped in my shooter.

-It's a disaster!

-There's no way of getting out of this.

-You're going to have to pull out.

-Oh, he's got a...

-Here you go.

-Oh.

Embarrassing.

So, to shoot, you put the shooter in your mouth,

a pea on your tongue, aim and blow as hard as you can.

Hitting the board is, not surprisingly,

how you score points.

You get five points if you hit the centre,

three points for the middle and one point for the outer ring.

HE BLOWS AND SPLUTTERS

THEY ALL LAUGH

-So what was rule number one?

-Don't pick a big pea.

-Can I have the stick back?

-Yep.

-Thanks very much.

Iain seems to have a very pea-culiar style.

Maybe you need some more pea-ractice?

-Ed, it's the young talent you have to be wary of these days.

-Oh!

So, Ed and Iain, it's time for some serious preparation,

or indeed pea-paration.

-No, I'm bored of this now.

-Oh, are you now, Ed?

-Well, Iain is really putting the work in.

-Oh, a good five.

Ed seems to be much more relaxed about the whole thing.

-I've got to get a round pea.

-Iain's in the zone...

It's too big.

..while Ed's on the swings.

Two peas in a pod, these boys are not.

So let's see who's pea-match training pays off.

-Don't put me off.

-Is that annoying?

-This is the World Championship.

-Sorry.

-Stand over there.

Iain's up first. It's a three, good start.

Don't miss it, mate.

-Oh! But Ed storms into the lead with a five!

-That was a three!

It was a five.

-Hee hee!

-Oh, I'm livid, mate!

Accept it, Iain, you are getting beaten, 5 to 3.

Oh, comeback, though! Five-pointer there.

Iain does his ha-pea dance.

And Ed... Oh! That's a tragic zero.

I can't even... I can even hold that straight I'm so nervous.

Iain now leads, eight to five. Pea three.

-That's a one.

-Just got it in. Just got it in there.

It still counts, though. And Ed... Oh! Repeats his zero again.

Too high! What's gone wrong?

Good question, Ed. You're now being beaten nine to five.

Pea four.

-One.

-Three. Three, mate.

-Nice try, Iain, but that's a one.

One.

Ed gets three!

-Back in the game.

-He needed that.

You're down ten points to eight and it's all down to the last pea.

And...

Oh, a five! It's all over!

One, two, three, four, five.

He's won! There is no way I can beat him.

I've actually won and he's still got a pea left.

-Thanks, adoring fans, cheers.

-Is there any point in me doing is?

-Yeah, do it, humour them. Go on, Ed.

-Come on, Ed. Try and end on a high.

-HE BLOWS

-Typical.

HE BLOWS Throw the peashooter at it.

-HE BLOWS

-Oh, that one doesn't work either.

This is going well, isn't it?

-HE BLOWS

-What is going on?

That's the third one! This is just piling on the humiliation!

Well, that was worth the wait, wasn't it?

Iain wins, 15 points to Ed's eight.

Iain, you may have beaten Ed, but will either score

get you through to the last 16 in the com-pea-tition?

There you go. This is the reigning world champion. He's got 23.

Pretty good.

And the results are in. Seems like someone has a bit of good news.

Picture it, I'm in the final 16 of the World Pea Shooting Championship.

You are too good at this. I want to go home.

-Mate, you can sit and watch me.

-We've had our fun.

-This is on BBC Sport!

Well, I hope your competition is a good sport.

You are up against world champion Ian, also known as Gandalf.

-Best of luck.

-May the best Ian win.

-Yes. May the best Iain win indeed.

Three!

I got three, he got five. We can catch up. We can catch up.

Three again.

Ah, he has got 100% so far.

-What happened to the three?

-I'm not happy with this.

I think if he gets a five here, it's game over.

-Oh! That was right in the middle!

-Look at that!

Oh! Oh!

I think that's it, I think I'm out.

No fives.

What's the final score? Did I win?

-You got 13.

-Right.

-And Ian got 23.

-Oh.

Well done, Ian, mate. Congratulations.

The best Ian did win.

Give it up for Ian, a.k.a. Gandalf, everyone!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Oh, well. Still in the top 16 in the world at pea shooting. Good night.

Ed, you scored eight.

-But, Iain, you scored 15, so you are the winner.

-Yes! Booyah!

All Over The Place pea shooting champion!

You've been watching All Over The Place!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd