Episode 5 All Over the Place

Are you ready for another

adrenaline-fuelled American adventure?

Ed and Michelle

are away with the fairies.

Johny gets sweet and corny.

Sherlock Holmes Naomi

fails to solve a mystery.

That's well difficult.

And Iain falls behind!

IAIN LAUGHS

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates All over the place!

# It's true what you've heard Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was all over the States

-# But it turns up

-All over the place! #

First up is the lightning capital of the United States. It's Florida.

I am looking forward to our

fantastic Florida adventure at Coral Castle.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah... Coral Castle's not under the sea, though, Naomi.

Isn't it made of coral?

Mmm... Well, yeah, no. Kind of.

It's a mystery.

-Is it a castle, though?

-It's a mystery.

-Well, how do we get there?

-I'm a bit mystified.

This is Coral Castle in Homestead, Florida

and, yes, it is made from real coral.

It was built by a real man called Ed who worked only at night.

Ed Leedskalnin was born in Latvia.

He and his family were stonemasons.

He started it 90 years ago

and it took 28 years to complete,

but he never did get around to adding that roof.

Ed and Naomi, you have 28 seconds to find out as much

as you can about Coral Castle.

Ed, you have Zulay, a guide who knows all about the castle.

Naomi, you have Ken, a guide who knows all about building.

Three, two, one, go!

-When was it built?

-It was built in 1923.

-Why did he build it?

-Because he lost his love

and he wanted to make a tribute to her.

-Did he have supernatural powers?

-No.

-Who helped him?

-No-one.

-Could he fly?

-No, he couldn't fly.

-How do you think he built it?

-Because he had all the scientific knowledge,

he read a lot, and he actually knew about pulleys.

-Is this good building material?

-Absolutely.

-How heavy is that piece of stone over there?

-This one right here?

-Yes.

I don't know.

-How do you get in and out of the Coral Castle?

-KLAXON

Do you know what, Ken? Thanks very much. Let's hope we nailed that one.

I was just about to ask a useful question

that I wanted to know the answer to, but I ran out of time.

It's no longer a mystery -

the person who found out the most facts is...

Naomi!

Me and Ken, just ask us anything you need to know about the castle.

It comes as no surprise, I was completely rubbish.

-But I still don't know how he made it.

-Ah, well.

That's the mystery, isn't it, Naomi? The mystery of Coral Castle.

Many have tried to unravel the mystery, many have failed.

Edward Sherlock Petrie as Sherlock Holmes

and Naomi Sherlock Wilkinson as Sherlock Holmes Two.

It's a complicated tale full of complications.

So, what does our initial inspection of the site tell us,

Naomi Sherlock Holmes Wilkinson?

That our man, Ed, was a bit of a mystery, Ed Sherlock Holmes Petrie.

-Well, if anyone can solve this mystery, it'll be me!

-And me!

It's a mystery how these tools were used to build Coral Castle.

Let me have a look. I'm sure, with my superlative powers

of deduction and superior sense of intuition, I can solve this problem.

No. That's well difficult.

Not as difficult as coming up with the idea to build it

in the first place.

# Oh, Latvia, you're the place for me

# And this song tells you what this accent's meant to be. #

-You seem very happy today, darling.

-Well, life is good, my sweet 16.

With my stonemasonry skills taught to me by my grandfather,

I have a bright career ahead of me.

And tomorrow, I marry the girl of my dreams. My beautiful Agnes.

Life is "briniskigs".

That's Latvian for "wonderful" - we looked it up.

Perhaps there is more to life than stonemasonry.

I mean, it's 1912, there is a whole world out there.

What do you wish for, Agnes? I give you anything.

Well, look here, they have just built world's largest ship,

the Titanic.

They can cross Atlantic Ocean in the height of luxury in just

-a matter of days.

-CREAKING AND THUMPING

Just imagine a wonderful ship like that.

Oh, apparently it sunk. What a horrible, tragic vessel.

SHE GASPS

Look here, a woman has just flown across the English Channel.

Oh, the romance of flight.

This Harriet Quimby is dancing around the sky in beautiful,

beautiful biplane.

Oh, apparently she died in plane crash.

I do not trust those machines.

Well, maybe if you want to see the world,

we could move somewhere new. America, maybe. Start a new life.

-Really?

-If you wish for it, of course. I make a NEW plan.

You mean, we can travel, see the sights,

-the Great Lakes, New York City, Statue of Liberty?

-No, no, no.

I was thinking I could buy a plot of land in Florida

and spend the next 30 years working single-handedly through

the night to build you a castle made from coral -

using the techniques of the ancient Egyptians

and of course my own special, supernatural powers.

Actually, I don't think I want to marry you any more. See ya!

If it's the accent, I can try harder!

-Ed, Ed, save some for...me.

-Oh, I really needed that.

-I was really thirsty.

-Yeah, I can tell.

Oh, now I need something else, if you know what I mean.

Oh, it's a good job that we're here, isn't it? At the Toilet Seat Museum.

Yes. I'm so relieved.

No boring old paper or canvas for Barney, no siree.

It's toilet seats that he likes to use to show off HIS artwork.

-And, no, I'm not pulling your chain.

-Hi, Barney.

-Hello, Barney.

-Hey!

-Come in and join me.

-How you doing?

-I'm doing fine, thank you.

So, how many film crews have you had coming to see you

since you started your toilet museum?

I guess that I've had at least 50 film crews that have come here.

50 film crews!

I've got 70 foreign countries that have come in here

and signed my guestbook.

Barney, you know more about TV than us!

Barney rescues brand-new toilet seats that have been slightly

soiled - I mean scratched -

and turns them into unique works of toilet seat art.

All hung here in his Toilet Seat Museum!

Which is also his garage.

Barney, would you be able to design a toilet seat for us?

I'd be glad to, if I had something to put on it.

While Barney decides what his exclusive All Over The Place

artwork will be, he asks Ed and Johny

to leave THEIR mark on the toilet seat.

No, not that type of mark.

I think this was made with a bit of inspiration

from the Renaissance period.

I can definitely see France, definitely Michelangelo.

What do you think?

I think it's a toilet seat, mate.

The average person goes to the toilet six to eight times a day

and spends three whole years of their life sitting on the loo,

which is why I've got a TV and a games console in there.

You see that cowboy hat up there?

-Yeah.

-That's from the legend of El U-Bend. He went to the toilet,

-he didn't come out of hours.

-Really?

And everyone was wondering where he was.

When they kicked the door down, there was nothing there except his hat.

-Really?

-No, just made it up.

Actually, I wonder how cowboys DID go to the toilet.

What do you have there, son?

Well, while you was minding camp, I bought me

some pretty darn nice things from that there travelling salesman.

Whoo-ee! Woo-hoo!

-What's it for?

-Go on, have a guess.

It's a comfy, camping pillow

with space for a toothbrush.

-If only I had a toothbrush.

-No, it ain't for that, dummy.

It's when you go to the privy - you know, the toilet.

You mean, I don't need to wipe my behind on a dry corncob, no more?

-Nuh-uh.

-Dang.

-Feel how soft that is.

-Well, I guess I could give it a go.

-Go on, cowboy. Warm it up for me.

-Why, thanks, partner.

Hang on, you never let me go to the toilet before you, on account of my

movement smelling worse than the dead mule's backside in the midday sun.

Uh-huh. Well, that there travelling salesman sold me something

for the smell as well.

Woo-ee!

Dang, this toilet paper's too soft for me.

-Could you pass me that old corncob?

-Sure thang.

Just when you thought you'd heard enough toilet humour,

let's play A Number One Or A Number Two.

Those cowboys sure did have some strange toilet habits.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-I wonder if they blamed the horses in them there days.

Buddy, it's your lucky day. This is what's going to happen -

you're going for a big grand prize,

and that prize is to go to the restroom

or what you guys in the United Britain call the toilet.

OK, your first question.

Which celebrity has Barney dedicated a toilet seat to

in his collection? Is that number one, Michael Jackson,

or is it number two, Justin Bieber? Nice boy, I know him personally.

-I'm going to go for a number two.

-That answer was incorrect, boy.

You ain't going to the toilet just yet.

It's time for your second question. You want to go to the toilet, right?

I can tell you want to go to the toilet.

You're going to have to get this question right.

OK, which of these toilet seats has Barney's grandson's toys

attached to it? Is it number one or number two?

Yeah, I'm going to go for number one.

That is the correct answer. Well done, son.

-Well, I've just got to go...

-Not so fast, boy.

It's time for your third and final question.

Which toilet seat best represents Toilet Seat Man's

favourite holiday destination?

Is it number one, Hawaii in the old US of A?

Or are you going to go for number two,

Bognor Regis in the United Kingdom?

Oh, I'm going to go with number two.

You got it wrong, boy. It's number one.

We ain't going to let you go home empty-handed, oh, no.

You get to win some diapers,

or for our UK audience watching at home,

we talking about some nappies.

Oh, bog off!

Join us next time.

Barney, this is so good. Thank you.

We're honoured to be part of your museum.

Well, I'm so glad that you wanted to be a part of it.

-Come back and see me again.

-Will do.

-We definitely will.

Now, Ed, it is time to go. Is there anything that you need to do?

-It's a long journey we've got ahead of us.

-Nope.

-Are you sure you don't need to go to the bathroom?

-Absolutely sure.

Yeah, are you sure? Because we're not going to stop along the way.

Johny, I will not be going to the toilet for this entire journey.

Trust me.

ED BREAKS WIND

So, why have we been made to dress like this?

It seems that here in Ann Arbor, Michigan, there is

something that you're not going to find anywhere else.

Two presenters walking down the road dressed as fairies?

Apart from that, Ed. I've heard that there's loads of tiny,

little doors hidden around the city.

Doors that fairies might use.

No, can't see any fairy doors.

Oh, there is THAT thing, though. I guess it's some sort of car?

Oh, for crying out loud.

They parked on the sidewalk again, they're going to get towed away.

-Excuse me?

-Yes.

-Hi, is this anything to do with the fairy doors?

As a matter of fact, it is. That's a fairy car

and the fairies must be home.

-Right, I don't see any door there.

-Oh, no.

-The door here is on the inside. Would you like to see it?

-Yeah.

All right, come on.

-Am I still asleep?

-No.

-Is this a dream?

No! Aren't you listening to me?

Oh, and your wings are wonky.

So, I take it you're responsible for these doors, then?

No, I'm not responsible at all.

-So, who's responsible for them, then?

-The fairies.

-The fairies built these doors?

-Urban fairies.

-Right, course they did.

How long did they take to build?

Well, some just appear overnight and then others,

over a course of time.

Do you want to race me to find them?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, come on. Get with the programme, Tinkerbell Petrie.

Well, that's the ones people know about.

I wonder what happens when someone loses a tooth?

Do they all come fluttering out for it?

Come on, Michelle, you can find another.

Look, here's one. This is amazing. It's like a tiny little shop.

Everything is so diddy.

It's got, like, little tables and chairs, little cakes.

It's so detailed. You know what?

I really wish I was a fairy now,

There's no way I'm going to be able to get in there.

Oh, here's one. Oh, wow.

Look at that, that's brilliant.

That's like a direct copy of the real door.

Jonathan - I mean the fairies - have done a really good job of this one.

Oh, there's an interior door as well.

And it opens! That's brilliant.

You can get arrested for this sort of thing -

staring into people's houses.

I should leave before they set the fairy police on me.

Oh, don't be silly, Ed.

We all know fairies don't exist.

Tell you what, I've had it up to here with being a tooth fairy.

Look at the size of this lad's tooth. Nearly did me back in.

Oh, I don't know why we bother any more, mate. I really don't.

Apparently, humans don't believe in us any more.

-Look.

-How dare they?

What about all the famous fairies, like Tinkerbell,

the Sugar Plum Fairy, them ones on top of Christmas trees.

-They think it's all made up.

-Made up?

I saw Tinkerbell down the shops earlier, nothing made up about her.

What about Fairy Liquid? They'll be saying THAT don't exist next.

-No, they use it to do the washing-up.

-What?

Do they know how hard that stuff is to produce?

Well, if that's their attitude,

I'm not fetching their teeth from under pillows no more.

Well, what're you going to do instead?

I'll be a different sort of fairy. A fairy godmother.

Ha! You can't be a fairy godmother. You don't know how to use a wand.

Yeah, I do. It's easy. Got one in here somewhere.

-Here we are. Right. Make your wish.

-All right, then.

I wish I was human.

Ow!

Oh, I'm boiling.

-What you done now?

-I've turned you into a human.

-Really?

I feel funny.

-Are you sure I'm a human?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely a human.

-Because I feel a lot like a hot dog with wings.

-No, no, no.

-Definitely not a hot dog.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What you doing?

-I'm giving you a bath.

Oh, well, that's just great.

'Can you believe it? We come all the way to Chicago and it's raining.

'Hey, Ed, look! Someone with a bigger head than you!

'Cel, Cel, you know I have to look my best for my adoring public.

'That's you, dear viewer.

'It's a work of art, slap bang in the middle of Chicago.

'It was designed by a man called Jaume Plensa

'and it's called Crown Fountain.

'Looks like the biggest smartphone in the world.

-'Ah, the TWO biggest smartphones in the world.

-Wow!

-'Is this the only time it's good to be two-faced?

-Oh!'

CEL LAUGHS

'Each tower is made up of 148 video screens and they're 15 metres tall -

'which is eight times taller than you.

'Hang on, that's a different face.

-'And that's changed too.

-Yup, the face changes every few minutes

'and there are 1,000 different faces, all local people.

'You know, all this water is making me need the loo! Oh!

'Where would YOU want your giant face to appear?'

I would like my giant face to appear on the sun,

because my grandma says, "I'm always shining."

And I'd be pulling a face with my tongue sticking out

and my eyes like big bubbles.

I'd like my giant face to appear on a hotel, because they'd have

to walk into my mouth and then come out from my nose.

SHE LAUGHS

And they'd all be covered in slimy snot.

SHE LAUGHS

# If strange wooden creatures are something you're craving

# Then Mount Horeb is for you

# Because, thanks to close links with things Scandinavian

# Your hand-carved dreams will come true

# For lining the streets in this Wisconsin town

# Are strange ugly wooden souls

# They draw tourists in from miles around

# Cos these are the Mount Horeb trolls

-#

-Trolls

-Trolls

-Trolls

-Trolls

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Oh, haven't you heard?

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# It's the troll capital of the world

# But when did they first appear?

# Why on earth are they here?

# Years ago a shop owner thought it would be funny

# To put trolls outside his shop

# He though it would entice people

# In to spend money

# And sure enough they began to stop

# But when a bypass took traffic away

# Locals worried business would fail

# So more and more trolls have appeared since that day

# And now Horeb's on the tourist trail

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# All along the main street

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Different trolls you can meet

# Each carved from wood by hand

# And Michael Feeney's your man... #

-He's made Tub Troll.

-Tricycle Troll.

Chicken Thief Troll.

One called The Accordion Player.

-Helga.

-And Tootsie, the Tooth Fairy Troll.

And most importantly, The Mayor.

# They're shabby, unattractive and ugly too

# Ooh, shall I do the joke about how one looks like you? #

No, it's a cheap gag, we're better than that.

-But it really does.

-Leave it.

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# From Norse legends of old

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# Tro-o-o-o-oll

# There's 15 or so here all told

# And despite what he said... #

There is one that looks exactly like Ed.

-What?

-Nothing.

-What you doing?

-I'm just trying to read an American classic.

-Which one?

Fantastic Four? Batman? Spider-Man? That's a good one.

No, Iain, has no-one told you?

We're here at Victorville to celebrate one of the greatest

characters in American literature.

Oh, I thought we were in Smallville, celebrating Superman.

No, we're here at the Huck Finn Fest. He's the main character in this book.

So, when you said main character, I thought you meant

like Wolverine or something - "I got claws!

-"I got claws."

-All I wanted was some peace and quiet to read my book.

Oh, what a tizzy he gets himself in sometimes!

Welcome to the Huckleberry Finn Festival.

It's been celebrating the fictional character,

Huck Finn, for over 36 years.

Huck was as famous as Harry Potter in his day.

But obviously without the flying car, the cloak of invisibility,

the scar down his forehead, the glasses or Voldemort.

There are loads of events today,

including the Liars Competition, horseshoe throwing and this,

the ever-popular "who can climb the highest up a greasy pole?" event.

-Come on!

-The trick seems to be to hug the poll.

No-one's got further than that so far.

-All right, your turn.

-Go, Ed!

-OK, here we go.

-And he's making his way up the pole.

-Go, Ed!

-Oh, it's not as easy as he thought it was.

-This is really difficult.

-Every time I take one step up, I go one step down.

-You got it!

IAIN LAUGHS

Oh, that was not a comfortable landing. IAIN LAUGHS

Oh, Ed, let's look at that again. Ow!

I'm glad I've recorded this - I'm going to watch this all day.

My tactics will be, "not fall like an idiot, like Ed did."

Iain's going to have to work pretty hard...

to be even worse than me at this.

Oh, dear.

-Aaargh!

-Oh, no, that's lame.

That's so lame.

ED LAUGHS

Argh!

I got about that far.

Pathetic and appalling.

It's not as easy as it looks, people at home...

-Yeah.

-..and voice-over man.

Yeah, well, that's what you say,

but this guy's just taken his nappy off and look how high HE'S going.

Oh!

-Oh, he did it!

-Someone got to the top, it is possible!

So Lyle showed these two how it's really done.

Ed marginally won that event

and Iain has quite literally slipped behind.

Hey! Don't get too smug, mate. Cos what are my two strengths?

Talking in a Scottish accent

and presenting television in a mediocre fashion?

No, horseshoes and throwing.

And it's the horseshoe-throwing competition next.

The rules are simple. You have two throws.

Both throws are measured and added together, and the person with

the shortest combined distance from the peg is the winner.

Don't embarrass yourself in front of all these people, now.

THEY GROAN

Aw, come on. It bounced. It's landed there and ended up miles away.

Rules are rules, Iain.

The distance is measured from where the horseshoe ends up,

-not where it first hits the ground.

-That's not good at all.

-18 foot 7 inches.

-That's taller than me.

We're European. We're metric - that means nothing to me.

Well, 18 feet and 7 inches

is 5½ metres -

or the length of two large horses.

So that's what Ed's got to beat.

What?!

I can make up for it now. Here we go.

IAIN LAUGHS

He didn't even throw it anywhere near far enough.

It's not much worse than yours, is it? Oh, that is quite bad, actually.

-What are we looking at, Kevin?

-We're looking at 12 foot 8.

12 foot 8.

That's nearly four metres,

which is about a horse-and-a-half.

-He never beat me!

-12 foot 8, 18'

-7". Look, he's the judge, Iain!

-You're the winner.

-I'm not standing for this.

-He's the winner.

I'm the winner!

Don't get too cocky, Ed.

Iain could still snatch the trophy from you in the final event.

Which is the big one, it's the Liars Contest.

Nine people are taking part in the Liars Contest today,

and the rules are simple.

The person who can tell the tallest tale

and gets the biggest round of applause is the winner.

Hello there. Hello. You see this here on my leg, you see that?

That's my birthmark.

Now, I was watching the Highland Games in Scotland,

in a place called Inverness, and the Royal Family were there.

And they were wearing kilts,

which is like a skirt. And I noticed that all the Royal Family

had the same birthmark as me on their leg.

And I suddenly realised that I was a member of the British Royal Family.

That was the only explanation. So I rang up Buckingham Palace...

As soon as he crosses the water, the girls can't get him.

And he gets halfway over the bridge, one of the girls reaches out,

grabs the tail of his horse and pulls the tail off.

He gets such a fright, he does a massive accident

all in his trousers.

And that's why we all wear kilts. Thank you very much. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

-Ed and the Queen!

-Boo.

-God bless America! God bless America!

-Boo!

-Iain and the kilt.

-Yeah!

That's a huge American roar for Iain's Scottish fib.

But has he done enough to win a prize in the overall competition?

First prize goes to...

Donna!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Second prize goes to...

Daryl!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Third prize goes to...

-Come on!

-..Iain!

-Amazing!

Iain has come third in the whole competition.

It's official, Iain is one of the world's best liars.

This is... It's quite heavy, this rosette, isn't it?

I expect you'll be wanting a trophy now, will you?

-Let's find out who won.

-We know who won.

Would you like to announce the winner?

-Who could it be?

-Well, gee, I couldn't imagine,

but it seems Iain has pulled it off.

Yeah. Huck Finn Fest trophy.

Congratulations! Hands across the sea, and all that.

-Thank you very much. Any final words, Ed?

-Oh, yeah.

-God bless America.

-God bless it.

You've been watching All Over The Place USA.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd