Squirrels Arthur

# Every day you walk down the street Everybody that you meet

# Has an original point of view

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

# What a wonderful kind of day We can learn to work and play

# And get along with each other

# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

# Listen to the rhythm of the street Open your eyes! Open your ears!

# Get together, make things better By working together

# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart

# Believe in yourself For that's the place to start

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

-What a wonderful kind of day

# We can learn to work and play And get along with each other

# What a wonderful kind of day, hey! What a wonderful kind of day, HEY! #

Hey, DW!

-Hey!

-Whoa!

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Wake up, Arthur! It's time to start the show!

Oh! You ever think about how little difference there is

between things that are scary and things that aren't scary?

Like this pumpkin, not scary.

Whoa! Scary.

Not scary again.

MOM, ARTHUR'S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD!

-VERY scary... Huh?

-DISTANT BUZZING

-ALIEN GROWLS

-Scary!

Ah!

Not scary.

But there's no question that what you're about to see in this show

is really, really,

REALLY scary.

MOM, ARTHUR'S BEING MEAN TO ALIENS!

Even scarier than DW.

Oh, you are gonna love this movie!

I saw it when I was your age and it's still the scariest I've ever seen.

Mom, squirrels are not scary.

But they attack and take over cities and...

It gave me nightmares for months!

Uh-huh.

Ooh! I'd like a people steak, please.

With or without acorns?

Shh! It's starting. THEY GIGGLE

I-I'm sorry, I can't watch this again. Good night, boys.

Oh, look, honey, what an adorable little squirrel!

COUPLE: Oh, no. Nooooo!

COUPLE SCREAM

BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY

ANNOUNCER: Now stay tuned for the wackiest Loser High!

-Were you scared?

-Not at all.

-Squirrels!

-Yeah.

-BUSTER LAUGHS HOLLOWLY

ARTHUR MIMICS SQUIRREL

Don't!

Arthur?

-The, uh, darkness was hurting my eyes.

-Oh.

Yeah, it happens to people with glasses sometimes.

-You wouldn't know about it.

-Oh.

Sorry. Want me to turn it off?

No, that's OK.

-Good morning, boys. So, was that movie scary or what?

-No!

Mom, it was silly.

Squirrels taking over the world!

BUSTER & ARTHUR: Ha!

BUSTER WHISTLES

SQUIRRELS SQUEAK IN TREES

Aaargh!

BICYCLE BELL RINGS Hey, Arthur! Wanna play in the park?

Nah, I, um...really gotta get home.

Whatever!

Why are the curtains closed? It's the middle of the day.

Oh, Mom, please! The, um...light glares on the TV!

That's enough TV for today.

Why aren't you outside playing, it's such a nice day?

Yeah, it is, but, um... Oh, you know what?

I didn't finish my homework!

Hey, Arthur, you're home. Want to play a little catch?

I'd love to, Dad, but I have lots and lots of homework to do.

-So, did any of you see that Squirrels movie on TV?

-Um...not really.

How 'bout you guys? Did you see it?

-No.

-Yes. I mean, no.

-Yes.

-Well, did it scare you?

No, it was so silly! Squirrels taking over the world!

BUSTER MIMICS SQUIRREL, OTHERS LAUGH

Yeah, that does sound kinda silly. So you really weren't scared, huh?

Nah! Did you see it?

Yes.

KIDS SCREAM!

BELL RINGS

Hey, who wants to play baseball in the park?

-I have a lot of homework.

-Me, too.

OK, see ya.

I know, it's your TV time.

Can I just watch to the end of this song?

-I finished all my homework.

-Can't you go play outside?

SQUIRRELS SING

# When that nut falls off the tree We shout "Hip-hurrah!" #

-SQUIRRELS LAUGH

-Look how silly they are!

Let's just watch this.

Who could be scared when you see 'em acting like this?

"Timmy the Friendliest Squirrel in the World"

"Slippy Squirrel and the Acorn Mobile"

"Silly Squirrel School"

Arthur, do you want all these?

I have to, Mom. It's, um... for a homework assignment.

"Silly squirrels Count To Ten"

You all have the same assignment.

We cleared out of every kiddie show to do with squirrels today!

SQUIRRELS SQUEAK GIBBERISH

Bye!

OK, squirrels, I'm not scared of you anymore.

Ah, it's great out here!

-How could I possibly have been...?

-SQUIRREL SQUEAKS

Ahh!

I am so thrilled about these reports!

All of you have gone beyond the homework call of duty.

I'm not quite sure what's gotten into all of you, but keep it up!

Well, with one exception.

So, I've decided to give a fun lecture today.

Did anyone catch a movie called The Squirrels this weekend?

What's The Squirrels?

It's about squirrels taking over the world... I heard.

It's too bad more didn't see it because it's very well done.

It scared me when I first saw it.

Seeing it last weekend made me interested in squirrels again.

Does anyone know what squirrels eat?

-ALL: People!

-Um...acorns.

-Acorns!

They certainly do not eat people! That was just a movie.

The only meat they touch is the odd insect or bird egg,

if they're very hungry. Mostly, they eat nuts and seeds.

Any questions?

Oh, this is wonderful!

Wow! What a great class today! Who wants to go play in the park?

I do! WIND WHISTLES

-I have homework.

-Really gotta do some homework.

-Bye!

WHAT IS GOING ON!?

TELEPHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Hey, Buster, it's me.'

-Listen, let's face it, we're both scared of going outside, right?

-No!

Yes.

OK, I have an idea about how we can stop being afraid.

We need to be friends with one

and when we see how nice it is, we won't be afraid.

Uh-huh.

So, go lure one with these nuts.

-It's your yard.

-You're the guest.

-But you, um...wear glasses!

BOTH: Hi, squirrel.

-Hi again.

-Hi again.

-We did it! We're not scared!

-SQUIRRELS SQUEAK

-Ahh!

-Squirrel attack!

Shoo! Shoo! Out of the house! Back to the trees!

Phew!

SQUIRREL SQUEAKS

I'm glad you boys are all right. Squirrels will bite if provoked.

I hope the Animal Rehabilitation Centre can help the little guy.

I can't believe we were scared of something so helpless.

I'm sorry he got hurt.

Poor little things. You wouldn't believe the phone calls we get

whenever that darn Squirrels movie airs on TV.

Once you see an injured squirrel, it's a different story.

Do you think we could take the squirrel to school?

This squirrel got hurt trying to run away from me and Buster.

He'll be OK. Eventually, he'll be returned to the wild.

What a marvellous opportunity to study the Sciurus carolinensis,

otherwise known as the common grey squirrel.

You may come up for a closer look.

Alan, you first. Please share your observations with the class.

HE GULPS

Squeaky vocal tone, tiny paws, bushy tail.

The overall appearance is almost cute.

It's not that scary up close.

"The Squirrels"

Hmm, I wonder if this is any good.

To think we were all so freaked out by squirrels!

I know, I feel so silly!

Hey, you know The Birds is on TV tonight. Anybody gonna watch?

Look, there's Binky!

Hey, Binky! Come play in the park with us!

Uh, no, that's OK.

I have, um...homework to do.

AHHH!

We all love the story of Cinderella.

And then you can weed the garden,

clean carpets and wash the windows!

But would we love it as much

if the wicked stepmother had been a kind person?

Never mind, I'll finish this up

Here, you better go change for the ball!

Oh, thank you, kind stepmother!

And what if Jack didn't have to run from the giant?

Fee, fi, fo, fum!

-I like to share with everyone!

-Gee, thanks!

And imagine Little Red Riding Hood without the big, bad wolf.

Oh, Grandma, what strong arms you have.

The better to hug you with, my dear! How was your trip through the woods?

It was perfectly boring.

Yuck!

Hey, you! Narrator!

If there's no big, bad wolf, what's the point?

I finished 13 in A Series Of Horrendously Horrible Happenings.

Me, too.

Don't you love the ending,

the Bronte children dangling over the Alarming Alps?

-But I wanna know what happens next.

-How much longer until 14 is out?

Ten more weeks. The Horrendously Horrible books are popular.

I remember how I liked the first - The Calamitous Commencement -

When Duke Vladimir first kidnaps the Bronte orphans during his magic act.

And now, before your very eyes,

-I shall make them disappear!

-AUDIENCE GASPS

One...two...

-three!

-AUDIENCE GASPS

The stage manager has informed me that it is time for the next act.

Since the show must go on,

I will be unable to make the children reappear tonight.

Thank you and good night!

And what about book number 10, The Awful Aquarium?

They find a happy home with Uncle Mac, the ichthyologist,

but then Duke Vladimir ruins everything.

Hand over your fortune,

or I will feed your sister to the sharks!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

I wish I could write a book series someday.

Why don't you write to Mr Glitchet

and tell him his writing inspires you? There's an address on the book.

"Due to the dangerous nature of his research,

"Mr Glitchet is often on the run

"but you may write to him in care of his trusted chauffeur, Max Wheeler,

"at this address."

I wonder if he'd write back...

Are you kidding? Why bother to give an address at all?

"Dear Mr Glitchet, I really like your Horrendously Horrible books.

"I know that you must get lots of letters

"and it's hard to answer them."

"My other favourites are Mary Shelley and Agatha Christie

"but since they're both dead, I can't expect an answer.

"I'm writing because I hope to become a professional writer someday.

"I would appreciate any advice you have for me.

"Sincerely, Fern Walters."

Mr Glitchet, it's one of those dire emergencies.

Thank you, Max.

You don't expect an answer, do you? You've checked every day for weeks.

"PG, in care of Max Wheeler."

-It's blank!

-I told you he wouldn't write back.

Why would Mr Glitchet bother to send a blank piece of paper?

-Well...

-A blank piece of paper means only one thing!

He used invisible ink, like Victor Bronte in The Malevolent Mailbox.

-Are you sure?

-Only one way to find out. My Detecto-Spy lamp.

Lights off, please.

"Dear Fern, Extenuating circumstances force me to be brief.

"If you want to write, I recommend three things.

"Number one - read."

That one's easy!

"Number two, which is far more dreadful - write!

"And perhaps more importantly, rewrite!

"Finally, number three -

"look for opportunities to publish what you write.

"This can be especially dangerous,

"which is why I recommend you never use your real name.

"Best of luck, Persimmony Glitchet."

I need more opportunities to publish!

Why not submit to the Lakewood Elementary Reader?

-They're taking submissions for the next issue.

-Great idea!

I've got my pen name - Agatha Shelley!

Are you going to write an Essie Beauchamp story,

like for Junior Detective Digest?

That was published under my real name.

This time I'm writing under the name of Agatha Shelley.

This story will be something no-one will recognize as mine.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

I'm published!

"Happy Happenings by Agatha Shelley."

So, have you read Happy Happenings by Agatha Shelley?

Was that the boring one?

Happy Happenings sounds interesting.

I read it. A shallow take on a shallow life.

-Is that Happy Happenings?

-Yeah. I liked the happy ending

but the happy beginning and middle didn't work for me.

-Did you read Happy Happenings?

-No.

-Don't bother.

-You'll hate it.

-Why?

There's no mystery. Nothing scary happens.

Not all stories have to be scary or mysterious.

Yes, but this one is WAY too happy.

The main character is Felicity Bonchance.

"One day Felicity Bonchance was planting peonies

-"when she happened upon buried treasure."

-Oh, goody!

Now I can buy candy and ice cream for everyone in the whole world!

But it gets worse,

she actually passed out candy and ice cream

to everyone in the whole world. Bleagh!

-So what's wrong with that?

-It's so boring.

And nothing bad happens to her.

It was written by Agatha Shelley. I don't think she goes to school.

Maybe Agatha Shelley isn't her name. Maybe it's a pen name.

I wouldn't put my real name on this story, either.

"Dear Mr Glitchet, I wrote a story and got it published.

"Thank goodness I didn't use my real name

"because everybody hated my story.

"Should I give up?

"What should I do?

"Yours truly, Fern.

"PS: Is Persimmony Glitchet your real name?"

"Dear Fern, as to my real name -

"I cannot disclose that information.

Indeed, sir.

"When people criticise, it helps me to imagine

"horrid things happening to them."

This story is sooo boring.

Aaaaauuuugh!

"After that, I take a walk,

"and ask myself if there is any truth to their criticism.

"Remember dreadful tip number two - write, and rewrite.

"Of course, you can also just quit, and I, for one, would not blame you.

"Only you can decide.

"Best of luck, Persimmony Glitchet."

Time for a rewrite!

"You might think that nothing bad can happen to Felicity Bonchance,

"but you would be wrong."

FELICITY WAILS

"A Terrible Twist". I've got a second chance!

"Just when Felicity thought the treasure was hers..."

Aaaargh!

-What are you reading?

-A Terrible Twist by Agatha Shelley.

-Oh, THAT horrible writer.

-She got better.

Felicity Bonchance is like someone you'd write about.

You said she was too happy.

This time she's smart and funny and brave.

So you liked the letter in invisible ink?

Yeah, and when she disguised herself as a gypsy...

-Smuggling coins in her tambourine!

-I thought you hadn't read it.

I, um, just heard about it.

Book 14, The Dreary Delicatessen, is finally here!

I can't wait to meet Persimmony Glitchet.

I wouldn't count on it. I heard he never shows for these.

Mr Glitchet? My name is...

I'm his chauffeur. Mr Glitchet regrets that he can't be here today.

I told you!

I much prefer an Agatha Christie

to one of those Horrendously Horrible books.

Actually, Persimmony Glitchet is one of my favourites.

I hear he's extremely secretive.

-He writes letters in invisible ink.

-How do you know?

He wrote to me twice with advice.

-I wanted to thank him in person.

-Ready to go?

May I see your copy of Number 14?

Um...sure.

What was that?

"Dear Fern, When you become a famous writer,

"I promise not to reveal your true identity.

"Best of luck, PG. A Fellow Writer."

It must be him!