The Election/Francine Goes to War Arthur

# Every day when you're walking down the street

# Everybody that you meet

# Has an original point of view

# And I say hey! Hey! What a wonderful kind of day

# If we could learn to work and play And get along with each other

# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

# Listen to the rhythm of the street

# Open your eyes, open your ears

# Get together and make things better by working together

# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart

# Oh, believe in yourself For that's the place to start

# And I say... Hey! Hey! What a wonderful kind of day

# If we could learn to work and play And get along with each other... Hey!

# What a wonderful kind of day! Hey! What a wonderful kind of day! Hey! #

'Hey! DW!'

Hey! Whoa!

I will, to the best of my ability, protect and defend the constitution.

Congratulations to you, President Mary Alice Crosswire.

Thank you. As your President, ask not what I can do for you.

Rather, what you can do for me. Hey, Muffy! It's me!

Our future is bright together if we don't forget the past.

Muffy, remember me? It's Arthur.

You know me. Lakewood Elementary.

Your friend Arthur.

Hey, Binky. Can you believe Muffy's President?

Why is she pretending she doesn't remember me? Take him away!

What? Is this some kind of joke?

Look, an order's an order. The President said to take you away.

Muffy, we were in Mr Ratburn's class. Remember our class election?

Don't EVER mention that election!

She really takes things way too seriously.

To conclude our Government in Action unit,

we'll hold a mock presidential election. Anyone can run.

We will look at campaigning, pinpointing important issues,

debating and voting.

Can't you see me as President? It's a lot of responsibility.

Francine, can you handle campaigning and listening to "the people"?

You'd be good behind the scenes.

You'd be a perfect campaign manager. You think so? Absolutely.

The whole thing is lame. I think it's interesting. You run, Arthur.

You'd be a great President. Really?

Everyone likes you. You could win. You're joking, right?

Class, we have our first candidate.

I know you've been waiting, so it's official. I'm running for President.

I nominate Arthur. But... Arthur?

Come on.

Come on. I'll help you. Oh... OK. CHEERING

You have to write a speech, Arthur.

Like, "Fourscore and six years ago, I decided to be President. Vote me!"

I don't think so. Get organised.

Political campaigns are staffed by professionals.

Relax. All you need are a few jokes.

How exciting! Our first strategy meeting.

Are you writing, Francine? I need slogans.

Something better than "Muffy for President." Think catchy.

We have to pinpoint hot button issues.

Hot button issues? OK.

And make an appointment for a power hairdo. Something presidential.

The campaign should not be about personalities, but about issues.

Think about what's important. For example, Thomas Jefferson

made the Louisiana Purchase.

I've made the Louisiana Purchase. I want more.

I'll buy Paris. Fabulous clothes.

After that, Italy. They have expensive and beautiful shoes.

Teddy Roosevelt's plan to keep world peace

was, "Speak softly, and carry a big stick."

All you have to do is

(speak softly)

and carry a BIG stick. It's easy.

And who can forget our 33rd President, Herbert Hoover,

who promised "a chicken in every pot"?

As your president, I ask you

why did the chicken cross the stove-top? To hop into this pot! STONY SILENCE

Yeesh! Tough crowd.

Francine, coming to the Sugar Bowl?

Sure. Francine, no talking to the enemy. We have a photo session.

I can't believe Muffy was so mean.

She needs to lighten up. She's excited.

OK, what did one eye say to the other?

"Don't look now, but between us something smells!"

You're not funny. Why would anyone vote for you?

I'm not listening to you, DW. HUMMING

If you were President, what would you change?

I don't know yet. Leave me alone.

You're in trouble. What about your campaign colours? I can't hear you.

Yellow and blue? No, too boring.

Got it! Pink and white.

Relax. It's just a class election.

There won't be posters, or anything.

Good morning. Have a button. Please, vote for me.

Arthur, how's your campaign going? I'm looking forward to the debate -

in front of everyone. Yeah, sure, a debate. Buster, have a button.

You look fabulous today.

Muffy has kicked off with style.

Nice posters and buttons. I'm sure Arthur has some big plans.

Don't worry. I have three new jokes.

Forget it. We need some real campaign plans.

Hi, how are you? Vote for me.

Vote Muffy for free muffins!

Every morning. Muffy and muffins.

Look at my great campaign buttons,

then at Arthur's inferior leaflets.

It's about quality. Vote for Arthur,

he'll bring his dog to school. Do we want pooper-scoopers here?

It's your choice - Arthur or Muffy.

Hey, that's not fair. You think politics are fair? You're so naive.

Good morning, Mr Ratburn.

A free muffin from Muffy? Don't mind if I do.

Do you think she's right? I don't know. Maybe she's onto something.

Before we begin the debate, I just want to compliment our candidates

on running such clean, tasty campaigns.

And now, on to the debate.

Candidates, expound upon the key issues.

If you elect me President,

I think the important issues are cleaner school grounds,

a fun-raiser to buy more books.

A FUN-raiser. Geddit?

A little joke there. ONLY BUSTER LAUGHS

Another issue is more really good school assemblies and field trips.

WHEN you elect me President,

the school will get better lighting in the girls' bathroom - so drab -

and a new playground. I mean, why can't we have rides?

We deserve gourmet food in the cafeteria.

How will you implement your plans?

We would work together. We would all pitch in as one, and co-operate.

It can be fun, and productive.

No-one will have to lift a finger.

My father can pay for it all. He owns Crosswire Motors.

They make the best deals on wheels. Run to Crosswire Motors,

at the corner of... Time's up.

You both pinpointed important school issues. Class, you must consider

our exciting candidates' positions as you prepare for tomorrow's vote.

BINKY SNORES

Exciting candidates? My dirty socks are more exciting than those two.

- Why do you say that? - Because they are.

If I were running for President I'd say, "If elected, no homework.

KIDS AGREE "You can eat snacks in class whenever you want to.

"You can be absent once a week, no questions asked."

Snacks in class? Perhaps you should consider mounting a campaign, Binky.

Me? KIDS AGREE

Remember, voting is tomorrow. Muffy and Arthur, please stay for a moment.

I'll add Binky to the ballot. What? He's loud and unfit to be President.

We can't encourage his preposterous ideas. I'm opposed to him running.

I'm sure Arthur agrees. Well, it's a free country and anyone can run.

Free country?

I won't let some big buffoon bully his way into this election.

It's not fair if Binky gets to run. Binky has as much right as you do.

That's what democracy's all about. Binky is in. This is YOUR fault.

If you had any backbone, you'd...

Vote for me. Free muffins every day.

Vote Muffy. Eat muffins.

Class, the democratic process

has proven itself to be wonderful, exciting and full of surprises.

The winner is...Binky Barnes!

Yes! Binky "The Body" Barnes is your new President!

No more homework. Snacks in class all the time.

What an impassioned acceptance.

Class dismissed. Binky, remember,

it's a mock election. But I'm in charge?

Let's review the meaning of "mock".

Binky deserved to win. His ideas were good.

No-one took this election seriously.

What do I have to do to win? Loyal subjects,

luncheon recess for a week! I was best.

I spent the most money. It's not fair.

I'm mad at you for letting Binky run. I won't forget this, ever!

Muffy takes things too seriously.

I hope she never loses a real election. No wrestling on TV

in each classroom all day! Aw!

If you say that again, you're gonna get it!

It's not a good idea to get Francine mad.

You take that back! I'm a nice person!

What about the time you were mean to Fern?

That mouse? What's she gonna do? Be quiet at me(?) I'm so scared(!)

Or when you started bossing everyone around during the play.

If you don't do it right, you won't be in my play at all!

We bet you you couldn't be nice for a week.

You practically lost. Not fair! You put my worst moments together.

I could make you look bad that way.

Oh, yeah? Try. OK.

How about that time you cheated at that no-guessing game?

Oh, my shoe is untied.

Or, hey, what about when you stole DW's snowball?

No, it was just her imagination.

I didn't steal the snowball. DW lost it.

Besides, everybody knows... I'm just as nice as you... ARGUING

Watch it! You're all over my homework.

Quit it! You're dead meat! You are so in trouble! Dad!

KNOCKING What was that?

I think we might be...haunted.

Aaaaaagh!

There's no such thing as ghosts.

It's our new neighbour, Mrs Pariso. Banging on the wall! She scared us.

She probably wanted you to be quiet. You girls can get pretty loud.

BANG-BANG, RAT-A-TAT, BOOM-BOOM

Excuse me...

Excuse me! Sorry, but you're going to have to stop making that noise.

It's not noise. It's music. I always play up here.

We've got this new tenant.

Mrs Paro-something.

She phoned and said, "If that racket doesn't cease,

"I will call the police." Her? Tell her to go suck an egg.

I don't think I could do that.

Oh, all right. That Mrs Parrot-face is gonna get it.

..All clear.

DEEP VOICE: Mrs Pariso? This is Ed, er...

Butkin. Ed Butkin. I just wanted to know if your refrigerator was on.

Hello? Hello?

That's not what you say. Give me that.

Mrs Pariso? My friend Francine...

I mean, my friend Ed meant to ask you if your refrigerator was running.

Hello? Hello?

She hung up on me. Muffy, you gave me away.

Don't worry. She's an old lady. She won't even remember.

What have I told you about prank calls?

Not to do it unless it was necessary.

Francine!

OK, OK. I know I shouldn't have. But she started it.

She complained about my drums and banged on my wall. Francine Frensky,

I don't care what she did. She is elderly. Treat her with respect.

But... No buts. You are grounded for two days.

Great(!)

That is so unfair.

How did she know it was you, anyway? Guess! You've got to do something.

You'll be arrested for watching TV.

Get her to move.

How? When our condo had termites, about three people moved out.

I could give you some termites.

They take years to get established. But you can tell where pests are.

Great idea.

Leave the whole thing to me.

OK, how's this?

"The 'bilding' is about to fall down

"due to rats in the basement chewing the 'ciment'."

E.

"Cement" is spelt with an E. Oh.

"They are becoming a menace.

"So if you know what's good for you, you'll move away as soon as you can."

Perfect. Thanks. Spill some coffee on it and it'll look totally real.

KNOCK

What are you doing? Don't ask. You can thank me tomorrow.

You've got a letter on your plate, Francine.

This means war! What did you say?

Nothing.

Are you sure this'll work? Totally. She won't be able

to withstand the terror. Ready?

MUFFLED: Mrs Pariso! Mrs Pariso!

I have come here to haunt you!

SPOOKY WAILING AND JANGLING

You must leave here before it's too late.

Leave here before it's too late. WAILING

Wooooooo!

This is stupid. Wait.

I hear something. I think the spirits are answering.

NEIGHBOURS ALL GRUMBLE Uh-oh.

Made it. When the coast is clear, put this spider on her doormat. Yuk!

I hate spiders. It never fails.

Omigosh! Spider, spider, spider!

How did that get up there?

Nah!

Three people complained about the noise.

It wasn't noise. Sound effects.

Your mother and I have been trying to decide what to do about you.

We've found a solution. I know.

Grounded, and I have to take out the garbage.

Not quite. Mrs Pariso has invited you for tea.

You have gratefully accepted.

What?! No way! What am I gonna do?

I'd rather eat dog food. Wow! Even I don't wanna eat dog food.

I bet she's got mice. You'd better get a rabies shot.

If I'm not in school on Monday, remember how much you liked me.

Should one of us go with her?

Uh-uh. No.

Here goes nothing.

You must be Francine.

You must be Mrs Pariso. I knew I'd like you. Come on in.

Somehow, I didn't picture you in a dress. My mom made me wear it.

Have a seat. What can I get you?

I thought we were supposed to have tea. No, I hate tea. Want a soda?

Sure. Orange? It's my favourite.

How about chocolate chip cookies?

Good. Very good.

Is this you?

In the pictures? You betcha. All these trophies.

I got to the semis at Wimbledon twice and won a couple of doubles.

But my real sport was riding.

Are you kidding me? I love horses. I majorly love horses.

Somehow I knew we'd get along.

Have a seat. Have a cookie.

She's a total athlete.

She plays tennis and rides horses. She went to the Olympics once.

Sounds just like you. She is just like me. It's like we were sisters.

She said she was mean because she's lonely. I'll help her meet people.

Get to know someone before you decide if you like them.

Dad, do you always have to be right?

Yes. Yes, I think I do.

Mrs McGrady, you play bingo, right?

You betcha. I know this old lady... this lady who needs friends.

Could she come play with you?

Sure. The more, the merrier. 7 o'clock.

Great! Thanks.

This is my dad, Oliver. Nice to meet you in person.

I'll introduce you to your neighbours. That's my job, Dad.

You answer the door.

She is good. Francine, grab a horse. I've got a few tricks to show you.

Can I? ..I'll be right there.

This is Arthur, Muffy, Buster, and that's Brain.

You look nice, for a witch. She's not a witch, you doof-brain!

I never told you about the time I met a warlock

when I was training in Romania.

He told me that if I ever wanted to cast a spell...

It was a lucky day when I met you.

You said it, Mrs P.

LAUGHTER FROM NEXT DOOR

Oh, no!

That is the third time this week.

She's just having fun.

I can't do my homework. You created a monster.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Subtitles by John Macdonald, Subtext for BBC Subtitling - 2001

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