Don't Ask Muffy Arthur

# Every day when you're walkin' down the street, everybody that you meet

# Has an original point of view

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

# What a wonderful kind of day if you learn to work and play

# And get along with each other

# Gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

# Listen to the rhythm of the street Open up your eyes, open up your ears

# And make things better by working together

# It's a simple message

# And it comes from the heart

# Believe in yourself for that's the place to start

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

-What a wonderful kind of day

-# We can learn to work and play, get along with each other!

-Hey!

# What a wonderful kind of day! Hey! What a wonderful kind of day! HEY! #

-Hey, DW!

-HEY!

"Accept gifts from an unlikely source."

I never get real a fortune! "You'll get an A on your geography test."

I'll take it. I save them all.

"You'll go on a long trip someday." It's true! I did go on a long trip!

But the one I got was just advice.

They're the best! Do you know what some people do to get good advice?

-They climb high mountains in Tibet.

-WIND HOWLS

Oh, wise teacher, what is the meaning of life?

SPEAKS TIBETAN

Oh, no, I've forgot my Tibetan-English dictionary!

'Some people buy tons of books.'

-I'm looking for a book on how to become a comedian.

-Sure.

Would you like "Comedy For Dopes", "Comedy For Imbeciles"

or "Comedy For Complete Dodos"?

'Some people go to psychiatrists for advice.'

I dreamed I was chasing a jelly doughnut.

-I tried to grab it, but it kept rolling away.

-Uh-hm.

-How does that make you feel?

-Hungry.

I never thought of it like that. OK, I'll keep mine.

I already put it in here. How about this one?

-"You've give things away too easily."

-HE GASPS

Here - the latest issue of The Frensky Star!

I thought you'd stopped writing gossip.

-I did. I only publish REAL news now.

-"Sugar Bowl replaces Arnie."

-Tell them about the new column.

-Oh, yeah.

Muffy, who's paying for the copying, has an advice column.

It's called Ask Muffy.

-I'll tell you how to solve your problems. I'm listening!

-Darn!

Why do you have branches in your locker?

Because... Because I like trees. You got a problem with that?!

ALL: No!

-ARTHUR LAUGHS

-"My butler's birthday is coming up, and I have no idea what to get him.

"What's an appropriate gift?" Signed anonymous.

-What does she answer?

-"You can't go wrong with expensive chocolates."

-That's true!

-What a dumb question! Who's "anonymous", anyway?

-Is he that geek with red hair?

-It could be anyone.

-People call themselves that if they don't wanna be found out.

-Really?!

So, someone could ask for advice and no-one would know it's them?

That's right. Not only do I listen, I'm also discreet.

-Now, which one of you wants to be my assistant?

-Why do you need one?

-ONE person wrote in with a problem. You!

-That was to encourage people.

Once the column gets popular, I'll need lots of help. Who will it be?

I'll just have to find someone else to help me eat these chocolates.

-I never recommend something without trying it.

-Wait up!

I type 10 words a minute, and can start right away!

Still no questions! Why aren't people writing in?

You should come up with a topic - some common problem every kid has.

What if I came up with a topic? A common problem every kid has!

-That's what I just said.

-Got it! "What to do about split ends."

-They can ruin a perm.

-COMPUTER: 'You have mail.'

"Dear Muffy, I have a ballet recital coming up

"and I play this oak tree that turns into a pigeon.

"I want my friends to see it,

"but they don't know I do ballet and I'm afraid they'll laugh.

"What should I do?" - signed A-nini-mouse.

Yey! A question! This is just the beginning!

I'll be as big as Hoprah, the queen of talk shows!

APPLAUSE

Do you want to redecorate your bedroom?! Let's get real here!

I...I do!

- I can't hear you! - I do! I do!

-CHEERING

-There! Doesn't that feel better?

Thank you, Dr Bill.

It's so good to get down to important stuff

like the power of redecorating!

CHEERING

Before we go, let's remember our wish lists.

I wish for great ratings, more free designer clothes

and for you all to keep having problems so I can solve them!

Tune in tomorrow when everyone gets a free make-over!

AUDIENCE: Muffy, Muffy, Muffy!

-Hey, aren't you going to answer that email?

-Oh, yeah.

You wanna give me the cupcake or wear it?

You have till three to decide. One...two...

So did you read today's Star? I solved your ballet problem!

Ballet problem? What are you talking about?

Scram!

-How did you know it was me?

-I recognised your email address.

-So what did you think of my advice?

-It stank!

-I can't move to Baltimore!

-Baltimore has great ballet. It's very trendy.

-People say it's the next Seattle.

-I'm not moving.

I'll invite one friend to the show, and then invite more the next time.

-Who told you to do that?!

-Someone better at giving advice than you!

When they write "anonymous",

you should keep their identity a secret.

We've got competition!

That's OK! Crosswires are bred to compete!

Well, Baxters are bred to eat!

When do we get more chocolates? Huh?! Wait up!

I've a question. Even though I'm a championship badminton player,

I'm not sure if you pronounce the N.

Is it "badminton" or "badmitton"?

People use both. Use the version you're comfortable with. OK! Thanks!

-Why do we have to sit here? Can't we join the crowd?

-Are you crazy?

Those kids could think I'VE come for advice!

Oh, I still can't see him!

Ow! I think I sat on a can!

You didn't say anything about spying from dangerous bushes.

They're leaving! Come on!

-Where is he?!

-Hey, a guitar case!

Maybe there's an advice-giving guitar inside.

-Step away from the case!

-YOU?! You're the good advice giver?!

Someone asked me a question. I told them what I thought.

These kids started coming here. It's kind of a drag.

This is where I come to practise my skate tricks. Umph!

SHE SIGHS I used to be able to do that one.

Molly, can I ask you a question?

Why not? Everyone else does.

What do I do? I told my friend I'd help her, but now I don't want to.

-That'll stump her!

-The direct route is the best.

-Just tell her how you feel.

-OK. I quit!

OK, they want Molly, they'll get Molly!

Excuse me, I'm looking for the kind music

a grimy, skateboarding fourth-grader would listen to.

JARRING ROCK MUSIC

Ohhh! Ohhh!

Owwww!

ROCK MUSIC

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-"Sugar Bowl awning gets cleaned." Is that news?

-It was a slow week.

Look out! I'm coming through!

Tell me your problems. I'm listening.

DOORBELL

-How much do you want?

-Muffy?! Is that you?

I'm serious. How's 50% of the talk show's profit?

Just tell me your secret to giving good advice!

Do you have a chair? I think I'm going to fall down.

Come in. You look terrible.

Why are you so into this advice thing?

-So I can be rich and successful like Hoprah.

-You're already rich!

-You can't be successful at something you're lame at.

-Lame?!

-You're calling me, Mary Alice Crosswire, lame?

-Yeah, cos you don't listen.

The Crosswires are successful at anything...

-What did you say?!

-The secret to giving good advice is listening.

-Haven't you read Hoprah's book?

-No.

You should. Before you pursue a career as a talk show host.

OK. You really do give good advice. Thanks, Molly.

Hey, I'm not giving you MY copy! Buy your own, moneybags!

I might not be so good at listening,

but I can spot a fashion faux pas from a mile away!

Those bangs - they're very dreary.

Show off your cheekbones, girl!

TINKLING, ETHEREAL MUSIC

AUDIENCE: Wonderful! WHISTLING AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by TFL Ltd BBC Broadcast - 2003