Copa Latin America Barney's Latin America

Hola, mis amigos!

Bienvenidos a Barney's America Latina!

Ariba, ariba!

It's showtime!

Let me introduce you to a carnival of creatures.

From fabulous and freaky frogs,

to hollering howler monkeys, to manic, meat-eating plants.

Magnifico!

They're all connected to each other in this wonderful world of wildlife,

by funny, fabulous and fantastic facts.

'Get on with it!'

Oh, sorry!

Tres, dos, uno! Es la hora de Barney's Latin America.

Ahh, this is more like it.

Bit of a break, eh?

Yeah.

Good weather, good company, good times.

Oh, hey!

Right! Take your ball back!

Ow!

There's a note attached to it.

"Dear Barney and Gemma, we, the animals of Latin America,

"feel that our football team has been ignored for far too long."

BOTH: Football team?

"All we ever here is "flamingo" this,

"killer whale" that. Can they beat two defenders and score a goal? No.

"But we can. So we've been polishing up our football skills."

BOTH: Football skills?

"And now we demand that our story be told."

BOTH: "Demand?" Ooooh!

You're invited to take a grandstand seat to witness

some of the finest footwork, striking skills and awesome agility

that the animals of Latin America have to offer.

From the speedy sailfish

to the cunning caiman to the hovering hummingbird,

prepare to be amazed by what you're about to see.

Yes, it's the Latin American football dream team.

And every team line-up needs keen commentators.

So, what are we waiting for?

I've always wanted to do this!

Let's go over to the commentary box!

Well, hello, and welcome to Football Show Latino.

I'm Barney Harwood, and this is my co-commentator, Brian Hunt.

Now, the Latin American all-stars are manager-less at the moment,

after sacking their long term manager, Alpaca,

for being, well, a bit woolly.

Yes, Barney,

but let's not dwell on that.

The stadium is full.

The crowd are about to pop with excitement.

Let's meet the team.

So, in the show today,

let's run through the team sheet

and take a look at who's earned

a place in the final 11.

Some players are still undecided,

due to the delay in appointing a new manager. Let the show commence,

we can watch the team sheet unfold as final selections are made.

Allow us to present to you

the all-star Latin American football team.

First it's the goalkeeper, the trickiest,

most specialist position on the pitch.

There are two players in the running for this key position.

-Two?

-Yes, two.

Actually, there's only one goalkeeper in football, not two.

Exactly, so let's see who is in contention

and what they could bring to the team.

First up, with a safe pair of hands,

is Guyana's spider monkey, Monkinho.

It's true, he does have phenomenal grip. His agility around the trees,

and therefore the goal, can't be questioned.

-However...

-However, he's not the only agile Amazonian.

The other player fighting for this spot

is the pygmy marmoset Pygmito!

I'm really fast between the sticks. Look at me! Go, go! Whee! Whee!

This cheeky little customer hails from Peru and has immense agility.

But most of all...

He's tiny!

He'd be rubbish in goal, look.

BOOS

I might be small, but I'm the number one round here!

Barney, can we please get back on track?

Look, I've just found the team sheet

and the old manager has clearly placed the spider monkey in goal.

But do we really want someone on the team whose idea of a half-time treat

-is a mouthful of mud pie?

-That is not mud, Barney,

that is the latest healthy diet currently being adopted

by all the continent's greatest goalkeepers.

What?

To stave off infection and improve digestion,

the spider monkey eats cool clumps of clay.

So, there you have it.

Agile, great grip and a healthy diet.

But what about the pygmy marmoset?

-He feeds on...

-Leaves? Berries?

-Bogeys.

-Bogeys?

Only joking, it's gummy tree sap, actually.

A lot of keepers chew gum, Barney,

but you need more than stickiness to stop a penalty.

Anyway, the spider monkey had already been selected by the old manager.

Fair play.

The green goalie jersey

goes to the spider monkey.

Let's just hope he doesn't have

clay feet as well as clay breath.

That's the goalkeeper sorted.

The spine of the team is looking strong already.

I'm just getting some new information

that the Latin American All-stars are on the verge

of appointing a new manager!

There's more news on that as we receive it, Barney.

More news on that as we receive it, Barney, indeed, Brian.

Um, yes. OK, right,

let's move on to the defence line-up, shall we?

First up, we have

a great player on the wing,

it's the fringe-lipped bat

from Panama,

Batistuta.

No time for fringe players,

this is all about the first team, 110%, all the way.

What's going on here? Is it floodlight failure?

-I don't understand.

-No, Barney,

the fringe-lipped bat is just showing us his natural pitch sense.

Thanks to his powers of echolocation, he can even play in pitch black.

I'm not sure how pleased the new manager will be

that his player has been caught out the night before a big game.

Oh, I'm just receiving confirmation

that we can go over for a press conference right now

to meet the new boss.

Yeah, I'm Venus Cardelus,

I'm delighted to be taking over as the new boss.

Such a fantastic team of players.

So how do you react to the all night partying of the bat?

I heard about that, I'll have a word with the boy about it.

Not too happy. Not too happy.

Well, that was interesting, but let's get back to the fringe-lipped bat,

who is currently showing off his ability to pick off the opposition.

That was a cracking press conference. Brian, you were saying?

The fringe-lipped bat has the incredible ability

of telling whether or not a frog is poisonous or not.

By listening to the frog's call with those sensitive ears,

he can tell a frog that's good to eat from one that isn't.

Excellent, so we've got a defender that can eat frogs.

That'll come in really useful.

So, the fringe-lipped bat is the ideal link man

to take the ball from the spider monkey,

as they are both careful about what they eat.

Good diet leads to good fitness,

I always said that.

Who's next on our defence line-up?

Our next defender is also the team captain.

He's menacing...

..cunning...and a real predator.

Just the kind to lead by example, it's the caiman,

Caimandrinho.

Let's take a look at some of his recent performances, shall we?

He leaps into the air with vigour,

crashing down on to the fish in the water below to stun them.

What a stunning player!

On me head!

Referee!

Just look at how good he is in the air!

But they're only playing against tiddly little fish, he's enormous!

That's hardly a real test.

This is just his warm up.

He'll happily take on amphibians, water birds,

and even wild pig, catching his target prey with one swift bite.

That ability to go with the flow

makes the caiman a deadly force in the centre of defence.

And he links nicely to the fringe-lipped bat,

as they're both great players in the air.

They haven't been wasting their time in the rainforest, have they?

-This is beginning to look like a solid outfit.

-Indeed.

Now let's see who's the third member of our defence line.

It's the brown pelican, Browpeldo.

I know for a fact that the new manager is a big fan

of the swift, attacking defender.

But wouldn't this brown pelican be the perfect wing back?

Wing back? Get it? Yes, she's got wings, well done.

But why else is the pelican in our team line-up?

For starters, Mexico's brown pelican

doesn't mind playing in wet weather,

she's the most sea-faring of all pelicans.

Her real skill is accuracy to the target.

She's the only pelican to use plunge-diving to catch her prey.

Hang on, you said "diving." Isn't that cheating?

Plunge-diving, a great technique

for getting quickly to a fast-moving target, like fish.

Or a ball.

Of course, she can spot a fish over 20 metres away,

and hit the water at 70 kilometres per hour.

Wow, that's high-impact stuff.

She must have a big BILL for all her physio!

Ha-ha, very good.

Actually, air sacks under her skin cushion the impact of the water.

A great athlete and a great sweeper, what a player.

Here, let me help you.

Oi, that's my fish! Give it back!

Hmm, looks like concentration might be an issue, though.

Not really. You see, that bill pouch

is nearly three times as big as her stomach,

and can hold three gallons of water and fish.

That's like 77 bowls of porridge,

so it can afford to lose the odd fish or two.

Yes, but what's really great about this player

is her commitment to the future.

As you can see, she's been working with the youth team.

A guiding hand, is that what you're about to tell me?

Oh! She's just stepped on one of the apprentices!

Oh, nice, now she just poops on him.

Fully justified. Our brown pelican

will poop on its chicks to keep them cool.

I think it's an excellent new training technique.

Well, it's certainly different.

So, the brown pelican connects to the caiman because...

They both look good in shorts?

They both hit the right target every time.

Making the brown pelican the ideal defender

to take the ball from the caiman.

So, the bat, the caiman and the pelican are shaping up nicely

as one great defensive unit.

I think their new manager, Cardelus, really knows his stuff.

I'm a bit suspicious about this new manager,

there's something about him I just don't get.

Don't be so silly, Brian.

He's a football man, through and through.

And rather good looking, don't you think?

Not especially, I don't really like moustaches.

Then you're in the wrong game, Brian.

If you can't wear a moustache proudly in football, where can you?

Let's move on to that tricky right back position, Barney.

Here we have, fresh in from Galapagos United,

a sleek, seamless player.

The sea lion, Sealmino.

In tandem with the brown pelican,

I can't think of a better pair on the defence line.

Yes, but Sealmino seems to be

mopping up more of the sun than the opposition.

He's still suffering with a hamstring injury,

so has to undergo vigorous physio with the lava lizard.

We'll have no more sliding tackles from you!

At 250 kilograms, he's got a lot of weight to pull around.

Wow! That's like four Gemmas, after a slice of chocolate cake

and six raspberry ripple ice-creams!

Hardly a sportsman's physique.

But a powerful presence to block those passes.

Hey, ugly, get off my beach!

It's my beach!

Step outside.

Hang on, what's Sealmino doing here?

He's throwing his weight around a bit, isn't he?

He's just defending his territory.

The male sea lion loses his territory, on average, every 27 days,

to some young upstart.

A good tournament player, maybe, but not much good for a full season.

And too prone to injury, one for the subs bench, I think.

Not so fast. Take a look at

Sealmino's streamlined, seamless play.

He's sure to be an asset on the pitch.

Is that a Mexican wave?

Very funny! His bad temper might make him a risky choice for the team,

but his confidence in the water puts him on the front line of defence

for those rainforest fixtures.

Hello, Mum!

Surf's up, dude! Woo!

So he's very talented in the water, just like the brown pelican.

Great stuff.

So, that's the final defender in position.

Magic.

Let's take a look at how this defence unit shape up together.

Yes, it's time for the pre-match zonal analysis sector...thingy.

I was thinking more of a reminder of what we've seen so far, Brian.

Oh, yes.

First up, and at his agile best

between the sticks

was the goalkeeping spider monkey, Monkinho!

This stopper had the edge and the reach over his pygmy primate cousin.

Picking up the ball from his

goalkeeper is Batistuta,

the fringe-lipped bat.

A smart diet regime makes Batistuta the ideal link man

for his clay-eating team-mate.

Holding the line and leading by fierce example,

is the caiman captain, Caimandrinho.

Just like Batistuta, his great skill in the air

is sure to get the team leaping for glory.

Next up is Browpeldo, the brown pelican.

Her precision to the target

makes her the perfect partner for the caiman.

Over on the right of defence

is the sea lion, Sealmino.

Together with the brown pelican,

their skills in the water are sure to carry the team

through the wet weather games.

So that's five on the list and six to go.

I think we've got a pretty solid defence there, Barney.

But they'll need to get the ball up the field, won't they?

Absolutely, so let's move on to take a look at the midfield players.

What would you say characterises a Latin American midfielder, Brian?

Speed? Skill? Agility?

We're currently waiting on the new manager to decide who to choose

for that first midfield position.

Going head to head for a place on the team are two Cuban internationals -

Saoulle the sailfish, and Delphino, the spinner dolphin.

Woo-hoo!

Let's look at what they're made of.

Wow, just look at how quickly this team of spinners move,

they'll have no trouble getting to the ball.

Woo-hoo!

Showboating, showboating, plain and simple.

We can't have that.

No, Barney, it may actually be a clever way of communicating.

This lot are real team players.

OK, maybe with a touch of ego thrown in.

Back of the net!

The jury's still out for me.

Let's have a look at the sailfish, no doubts about this fella.

Well, he's pretty sleek.

He'll certainly add a bit of style to the team.

Just look at that slender...beak?

Nose?

It's actually his upper jaw,

it juts out to form a long spear,

which he will sometimes use to stun or skewer his prey.

I hope the opposition stays out of his way!

And what a beautiful fin.

I'm not Finnish, I'm from Cuba!

The characteristic sail helps Saoulle to round up the ball,

setting him apart from other midfielders.

That's a funny looking ball.

It's a ball of fish,

and that sail helps him keep them together,

making them easier to catch.

Just look at the way he brings his team-mates into play here.

Look, they're doing that ball thing again. Come on, lads, game on.

Quick, make a circle! Round and round and round.

Shouldn't we make a different shape? Like a triangle or something?

But it looks like Delphino has some great skills on the ball, too.

Volley, go on, volley it.

That's not a ball, it's a lump of seaweed!

On me head!

If you can have a ball made of fish, you can have a ball made of seaweed.

Just look at the way he handles the ball there.

You're not allowed to handle the ball, this is football!

-Flipper-ball!

-Hand-ball, flipper-ball,

what we've got here is a clear case of hand-balls,

so I'm afraid it's a red card for this lot.

Did I happen to mention the sailfish is the fastest fish in the sea?

It can travel at around 110 kilometres an hour.

OK, news just in,

we're being told that the new manager has chosen

Saoulle the sailfish for the right side of the midfield

to work in tandem with the sea lion.

Spot on.

With the ball passing between this streamlined duo,

we're bound to see some seamless play.

Their collective speed will provide

some great overlaps

as the game gets into its flow.

Let's hope the pitch is waterlogged,

to help the performance of these two marine marvels.

Who's next on the team sheet for midfield?

Next up is a player with great speed, style and flair.

Three great ingredients for an attacking midfielder.

Let me guess - Humandrino?

Swordbilldo. Billeko!

Lionel, actually.

Lionel comes from a large family of footballing hummingbirds,

and they all have super speed and manoeuvrability in their genes.

But you can't wear jeans to play football! Whatever next?

Hummingbirds may be small, but they are magic.

They can flap their wings up to 80 times per second

and can fly up, down, left, right and even backwards.

That's like the Robinho swizzle-dip

and Tevez curl twirl rolled into one!

And they can fly at up to 85 kilometres per hour.

That's 400 body lengths per second.

Uh, OK, is that all?

Well, Lionel is a sword-billed hummingbird,

so he has a beak that is four times the length of his body.

As well as being super quick to the ball,

he can get himself into some seriously sweet scoring positions.

That is impressive.

With the joint speed and manoeuvrability

of Saoulle the sailfish,

these sword billed wanderers make a great midfield pair.

So, that's two of our four midfielders sorted.

I have to say, there's a lot of flair in this team,

but they're going to need some fancy footwork to keep hold of the ball.

Next in the line-up, in the centre of midfield

is the wire-tailed manakin, Mankie.

This pretty-boy is a great pitch communicator

and definitely one for the ladies.

Mankie, nice.

Take a look at this training ground footage.

Just look at the all-round beauty,

elegance and grace of this Ecuadorian international.

That proves nothing, he's just dancing around like Drogba.

Or Peter Crouch.

This stylish player uses his tail to signal to his team-mates,

so they can then play the ball exactly where he wants it.

Fabulous team player!

It's a Latin American Footballer Of The Year Award for this fella.

Oh, er, yeah. I'd just like to thank my hairstylist.

Oh, I see! He shakes his tail-feather like no-one else,

making him a real heartthrob with the WAGs.

Oh, yes! These display matches may be the only chance he gets

to build up his female fan base.

OK, so the manakin takes the centre of attention in midfield

with his groovy moves.

Paired with the hummingbird,

there's no shortage of graceful, stylish manoeuvres here.

That's three of our four midfielders sorted, Barney.

Well, whilst you try and digest that, Brian,

I'm going to head to the dressing room and smooth things over.

Er, right. Um, yes.

Let's find out who's going to be the final midfield player...

Oh, hang on. It seems we can go over to the tunnel

for another pre-match chat with Bobvado Cardelus.

So, Bob, how do you react to accusations that your team is

lightweight, showboating, preening and lacking any real toughness?

Well, you wouldn't be saying that if I put you in the room

-with our team captain, the caiman, now, would you?

-Er, no.

No, you'd probably be saying, "Ee! Agh! Help!"

Ha ha!

But now, I have taken the criticism on board and I'd like to announce

a shock change in midfield.

Hey, wait a minute. I can play in that position.

No, you're off the team, mate.

I want a bit of aggression and control at the same time,

so I'm going to put in the coati.

Well, that is a surprise.

Carlo the coati is noted for his varied diet and scavenging tactics.

As you can see from his past performances,

he's a real team player.

Hang on, he's just milling around, isn't he? Avoiding the action!

I'm beginning to wonder if the manager has made a mistake.

It may look like that, but that's because he's very sociable,

roaming around in groups in search of good pickings.

He has a real team ethic as well as being a supreme scavenger.

No prey is too dirty, or too ugly.

This one will always get stuck in when the other midfielders won't.

Hm! Needs some brown sauce.

He also has a little trick up his tail

that might surprise the opposition.

He holds it up in the air to keep the team together

and moves it around to signal to the others.

It also gives him great balance,

so he won't get knocked off his feet by his opponents.

So he can coordinate a whole team with just his tail?

Yep. He also has reversible ankle bones

-which enable him to climb down trees head first.

-Fancy footwork indeed!

So Carlo the coati is a perfect team-mate for Mankie the manakin.

Because they both prefer a cream tea to a slice of orange at half-time?

No! Using their tails!

They both have great communication skills,

which help to keep the team on the ball at all times.

The coati joins the sailfish, hummingbird and manakin

to complete the midfield.

Attack! Attack! Atta-a-a-ack!

-Calm down!

-This is what Latin American football's all about.

From the Uruguay World Cup in 1930 to Mexico '86,

nothing says Latin American football more than attack.

It's not about moustaches any more then?

It's all about the whiskers, baby.

And this cat has plenty of them.

Pretty!

And deadly. This is Marcello the margay.

As sleek and nimble a goal-mouth predator as you are likely to find.

Great technique there.

Just look at how he stalks around the penalty box in

the same way as he protects the boundaries of his territory.

Boom! On target! Back of the net.

Not only is this Brazilian predator deadly in the box,

-he also has fantastic footwork.

-He's running away.

Behave! He's tracking back. Just look at those feet.

He can almost invert them completely to keep a firm grip on the surface

as he nimbly gets back to help the midfield.

Hang on! It's just a butterfly.

A great striker just makes it look easy.

-Haven't you noticed it's dark?

-Oh, yeah!

The margay is nocturnal. He prefers to play at night,

liking nothing more than the midweek floodlit atmosphere of a cup tie.

But Latin America is being played here at 3pm.

That won't be a problem.

A mangay's dappled coat provides him with excellent camouflage.

So he'll still be able to shake free his opponents

and travel around the pitch undetected.

-Even in broad daylight.

-Blink and you'll miss him.

Precisely. So there we have our first striker, Marcello the margay.

There should be a nice bit of link play between the coati and margay.

Two nimble players with fancy footwork

will ensure an efficient attack.

OK, so who's the other striker partnering the margay?

Well, this looks to be a controversial decision,

but it's the territorial maned wolf, Madaldo.

A maned wolf? That's madness!

A dog playing alongside a cat? It'll never work!

Look at the poise of Madaldo! Look at the legs!

He can move when he wants to, use his height when he needs to,

strike like a real penalty-box predator.

That's a very non-league effort. Look at the opposition - a mouse!

Not top-flight, world-class performance.

Even I'D look good against them.

On the contrary, the maned wolf is the largest canine in Latin America,

an expert at playing on grass, a real lone hunter.

And...he communicates by scent-marking with wee.

Oh! Well, he's good at marking and protective of his territory.

I can't see him liking the idea of joining a cat on the field

but I guess he's a professional, so there we have it.

-Cat and dog!

-Margay and maned wolf.

Two great predatory attackers who are experts in protecting territory.

The final additions to our line-up.

OK, so time to take a look at the full team sheet.

First up was Monkinho, the goalkeeping spider monkey.

Super agile and as solid in goal as dried mud.

The ideal man to bring the ball into the back four

is Batistuta, the fringe-lipped bat.

Good diet leads to good sense for both these players.

The caiman captain, Caimandrinho has a taste for victory

and is the perfect predator to head this all-star team.

He and the fringe-lipped bat are both excellent in the air

and are sure to have the team leaping for glory.

Next up is Browpeldo, the brown pelican.

Accuracy to the target makes him ideal to play beside the caiman.

Next is the sea lion, Sealmino.

A powerful player who might pack a punch, but with the brown pelican,

they're sure to win any wet-weather fixtures.

Next in line is sleek and powerful Saoulle the sailfish,

The fastest fish in football.

We'll see some streamlined, seamless play between him and the sea lion.

With a similar physique is Lionel, the sword-billed hummingbird.

Equally quick and nippy, their joint speed and manoeuvrability

will leave the opposition standing.

-In the middle of the park is...

-The swings?

-No, it's Mankie the manakin.

Another stylish and graceful player to partner the hummingbird.

Shaking that tail-feather, he has great moves to communicate,

whilst making him a huge hit with the WAGS.

Collecting the ball from the manakin is Carlo the coati,

and equally good communicator.

Elective teamwork brings out the best in this player.

And playing the ball forward to attack, the coati links up with

Marcello the margay.

similarly fleet with flexible feet, it's a sure-footed combination.

This team is elevated from the lower leagues

by another territorial pouncing predator - Madaldo the maned wolf.

What better time to prove he's top dog?

So there we have it, the final team line-up which should set them

well on their way to winning the Copa Latin American Championship.

Gemma Hunt. Football Show Latino.

Whilst we wait for the players to take to the pitch,

how do you react to suggestions that the cat and dog

simply won't play together up front?

I think it's a lot of rubbish, Jeff.

I've seen a dog and cat play before. They've a lot of history, sure,

but when it comes to football, they get on that pitch and score goals

and that's what football's all about. Once you score,

you win the game and people's hearts, Jeff.

Right. Thank you. I think.

-Is that the match ball?

-It is.

I designed it myself... Oh, no! The ball!

Well, it looks like the new manager has let the match

slip through his fingers even before the opposition has arrived.

Come here, you stupid ball.

Come here!

Gem, don't just stand there. Help me catch the armadillo.

-I mean ball.

-Er, where's the moustache?

Barney! It IS you, I knew it! What are you doing?!

Sorry, Gem, but I didn't want to stay in and read and be relaxing.

The animals are so good at football, I wanted a bit of the action.

-Well, you have now.

-He's there! Help me!

Well, I suppose I'd better help him. Tune in next time

for some extreme knitting from Nicaragua.

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