Bin Man Nev Bear Behaving Badly

Nev.

Nev!

MUMBLES

Hello, mate. Can you come and help me set the table, please?

-OK.

-HE HUMS

One, two, three.

-We have a breakfast guest. Remember who's birthday it is?

-Beetroot!

Oh, Beatrice...

I've invited her for porridge and jam.

Jam! Jam!

She'll be here in ten minutes. Try not to make a mess. OK?

No problemo!

Thanks for that(!)

Zippedy-yeah!

-This porridge smells funny. I think I've burnt it.

-More jam.

More jam?

Mate, I've used nine jars already.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Beetroot!

-I don't think she's gonna want to eat this.

-Why?

What do you mean, why? Oh, never mind.

Hey, Beatrice, happy birthday!

..Thanks.

Oh, do come in.

Happy beetroot!

Thanks, Nev.

My birthday breakfast?

Yeah, that's right. Voila!

Ta-da!

Oh... Thank you.

Yum-yum.

Oh.

I think I am going to go and wash my hands first.

You know where the bathroom is.

It's the room with the bath in it.

It's the room with the bath in it, Nev. Hey, it's going well.

Yeah-yeah.

Oh!

Many happy returns of the day, Beatrice.

Hello, Keith.

Oh, yeah, never ask a woman her age. What is it? 30?

40?

-OK, so how's the birthday breakfast, then?

-It's very nice.

-I'll bet.

I'll leave you in peace. Will you hit the flush, please?

-FLUSHES

-Lemony Crush, oh!

Wakadoo!

BURPS

Thanks for breakfast. I think I'll be off now, guys.

-You've hardly eaten anything!

-I'm not really that hungry.

-Hungry.

-Please help yourself, Nev.

-Don't leave so soon, Beatrice.

'Course she is leaving, you lummock. What a mess! You live like animals.

-No way, Jose!

-BURPS AGAIN

We can tidy all that up. I'll tell you what, Beatrice, how is this?

Why don't you come round for lunch in a nice clean and tidy flat?

-That sounds lovely. Thank you, Barney.

-OK, see you later.

-Keith's right. We must get the place sorted by lunch time.

-Outta here.

-Are you with me, Nev?

-Yeah-yeah.

Keith, are you with...? Keith?

Typical. Let's get started. I'll do the bathroom. You do in here. OK?

Aye-aye, Captain!

SNIFFS

Agh!

Oh, that stinks!

MUSIC PLAYS

Three, two, one.

HE HUMS

Oh-h-h-h-h!

Who left that bin bag there?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

That bear!

Run!

OH!

I'll get you for that, bear!

Can't scare me.

Oh!

You can't hid in there for ever, bear.

And when you come back out here,

I'm going to use your pelt as a placemat.

Can't scare me.

Hello, what's going on? ..Oh, hello, Mr Prank.

Hell, Mr Barney, sir. I was just cleaning your letterbox.

Us caretakers know how dusty they get, sir.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Not at all, Mr Barney. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, phewie...

-There - some more rubbish for you to take out.

-No, no, no!

Yes. I've thrown those disgusting towels away.

-It's no wonder Beatrice was scared off.

-Oh...

I'll get you, bear.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oh. Can't scare me.

When I get my hands on you, bear,

I am going to use your ears as egg cosies.

HE HUMS

Oi, bear! SCREAMS

OH!

When I get my hands on that bear,

I'm going to use his fur as a...

I don't know - as something or other.

HE HUMS

AGH!

HE SCREAMS

Uncle!

Uncle, Uncle, I want some ice cream, some chocolate-chip ice cream.

-Uncle!

-What? What?

I'm sorry, Uncle. I want some ice cream.

Yeah, well...

Oh...

You can have as much ice cream as you like, my prince,

if you do me...do me a favour.

MEOW

What kind of favour?

It's a blue bear removal favour.

YOWLS

Oh, stop it!

-Barney!

-What? I've almost got the bathroom in a state fit for a lady.

Beatrice will be here in an hour. Have you thrown the bin bags away?

Em...

-Good on you, mate. I know you won't let me down.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear!

What are you waiting for? Take out the rubbish.

Don't be a fool. It's a jungle in that corridor. You've no chance.

Don't let Barney down. Take out the rubbish.

Don't do it!

He should do it. No, he shouldn't!

THEY BICKER AND ARGUE

Hey, where's he gone?

Don't ask me. I'm a duck.

Looking good, Keithy boy.

Excuse me!

-Hello, did it suddenly get smaller in here?

-Excuse me.

Oh, sorry, mate.

Look, you can't go filling my home with rubbish. That's my job.

-Sorry.

-I don't mind.

It's the squealers - they like their personal space.

-Don't you, guys?

-SQUEAKING

-Why not put the bag down the chute or out to the bin?

-I'm frightened.

What of? Oh, let me guess. The creepy caretaker in the corridor.

-He threatening you again?

-Too right.

-You need another plan to get rid of the rubbish.

-Yeah-yeah.

Let's find somewhere else to put it.

Shouldn't be too difficult. I'll help you. Come on.

To me. Oh, mind me foot!

Right, listen up, men!

I am a busy man and I don't have time to hang around in corridors

waiting for blue bears.

No, Uncle.

So I want you to wait in the corridor and intercept the target.

YOWLS

Now, listen. In order to dispose of the rubbish,

the bear will have to visit either the bins here...

or the rubbish chute here.

To block his way, you station yourself in the corridor here.

Clear?

MEOW

Oh, up the stairs and round the corner.

-Got it.

-Good man.

-And, Uncle.

-Yes?

What do we do when we get the bear?

Can I keep him, please, Uncle?

No! You give him to me, my good man.

And we introduce a new range of ice cream -

stinky blue bear flavour.

Yeah!

Oh...

-There you go, mate, spotless.

-Tip-top-aroo! Thanks, Crazy Keith.

No worries, Nevy. Catch you later.

Spotless and super clean.

Wow, you've done a great job in here.

-Hey, and just in time.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Beetroot!

Hey!

Happy birthday.

-Again.

-Thank you.

Come in.

GROWLING

Oh, it looks lovely!

Very tidy.

-All thanks to Nev.

-Sparkly.

And I did the bathroom.

Do you want to use it?

-I am all right, thanks. Hello.

-Hello.

-Are you sure you don't want to wash your hands?

-No.

I washed them at my flat.

-Brush your teeth? Shave your legs?

-What's this?

Uh-oh!

Well, that's not supposed to be there.

Er, perhaps I'll sit on the sofa instead.

SQUELCH

Yeugh!

What's the matter?

There's something under this cushion.

Yuk!

Yucky.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how that stuff got behind there.

-This flat's normally clean and tidy.

-Too right.

Why don't you step into the bathroom?

-No.

-Wash your hands?

-No, I'll wipe it with some kitchen roll. Where is it?

-Wait, I'll get that.

-No, no, no!

Allow me.

Oh!

Problemo!

I'm SO sorry.

-Is your dress ruined?

-It's OK. It's fine. I can wash it. I can wash it.

-Wait, Beatrice!

-Oh!

-MEOW

-Is it the bear?

-MEOW

Beatrice, I am really sorry about the mess. I'll clear it up.

Why don't you come round later for a birthday tea.

The flat will be clean.

Well, what's for tea?

Beans.

OK, I'll see you later, Barney.

Oh, great.

See you later.

MEOW, HISS

Nev, why didn't you take the rubbish out?

Frightened.

Of what?

-Out there.

-Listen to me.

Beatrice has agreed to come for tea. It's our last chance.

Can you please just take the rubbish and stick it down the chute?

OK, Barney.

Thank you very much.

-Love you, Barney.

-Love you too.

SIGHS

Rubbish chute.

HE HUMS

-Hello, Nev.

-Bouncer Boy.

-HISS

-SCREAMS

-Help!

Ouch!

Frightened.

I'm going to get some beans for tea.

-Hello, Bouncer Boy. How are you?

-Very well, Barney.

I'll get the rubbish, then.

Nev!

I want the place spotless by the time I get back.

Bouncer Boy, come here.

Have you managed to capture the bear yet?

Not exactly, Uncle.

We had him...

but he got away.

Well, time for a change of tactics.

We need to coax him out of his lair.

Make him think he is safe.

And then strike!

Where shall we hide?

Well, not in here.

Follow me.

MEOW

Not that closely!

We'll let the bear bring the rubbish all the way out here to the bins

and then we'll grab him.

-Should we hide behind the bins?

-No, he might see us.

Get inside.

-Are you sure?

-Of course. When have my plans ever failed?

Exactly! Never. I'll give you a leg up.

Come on.

YOWLING Swing that leg up.

Now, you stay in there quietly. When he gets close, grab him.

-Will do.

-Right.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I love a plan. I love a plan.

MEWS

Nev, got the beans.

Oh.

Hello.

Nev, I thought I asked you to clear the bin bags away.

I know, I know.

So why haven't you done?

Frightened.

We spoke about this earlier. There's nothing to be scared of out there.

Look, follow me. I'll show you.

Hello.

Hello!

See, there's nobody here. You're completely safe.

OK, Barney.

-Now please throw the rubbish away before Beatrice gets here.

-Aye-aye.

Thank you.

MEOW

GROWLS

NEV HUMS

Locked.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

I know. I know.

HUMS

He's on his way, is he, Bandit? We won't let him escape this time.

Nev, Beatrice is coming!

Oh-h-h-h...

Just a minute!

-What are we going to do with all this mess?

-Problemo!

We can pretend to be out.

No, that is not going to work. Listen...

We can put it under the floorboards!

No room in my place, Barney!

-I'd throw it all out in the bins.

-We can't get out that way.

-Go that way.

-Throw it out the window.

-What?

-The bins are outside. Throw it right in.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-It's got to be worth a try.

Ah! ..Oh.

Ugh!

Yuk!

Uncle!

Nice work, Barney.

-See ya.

-Tip-top-aroo.

-Right, let's welcome in our guest.

-Yeah-yeah.

# We hope you like your birthday tea It's from Nev and me, Barney

# Happy birthday, Beatrice Won't you please give me a kiss? #

GASPS

OK, so...so what I did was

I couldn't find anything to rhyme with Beatrice. You don't have to...

MWA-A!

-Zippedy-yeah!

-MWA-A! Thank you for a lovely birthday, boys.

You're very welcome. Are you going to come again next year?

Love you, Beetroot, Barney.

-Love you too, mate.

-FARTS

Excuse me.

No more beans for you.