Enter Mr Angry Pants Left Bear Behaving Badly

Jam.

Hello, Nev.

Socks.

What a long day I've had!

Jam.

Ali Baba, 40 thieves, you know, great show.

Just one problem.

I said there's one problem.

Oh! Angry Pants!

HE SCREAMS

No, it's not Andy Prank.

One of the actors was hit by a flying sweetie,

-thrown from the stalls.

-Ouch!

-Exactly. He's had to go home and we're an actor short.

-Hmmm.

What am I gonna do? It'll be a disaster.

You can't have Ali Baba and the 39 thieves.

I've got to find a replacement for the next show. Tomorrow.

-There must be somebody out there who can act.

-Hmmm. Ah!

# De-de-de-de de-de-de-de de-de-de-de de-de-de-de... #

Princess Fatima, it's me!

Right.

-# De-de-de-de de-de-de-de.... #

-Nev, let's talk. Listen.

Erm, Princess Fatima's not in this show.

Oh!

I know. Sorry.

I tell you what you can do.

You can help me decide who CAN be in it.

Somebody who's got even more star quality than you.

Ah! Beetroot!

Yeah! Hey! Beatrice! Nice one!

# De-de-de-de de-de-de-de de-de-de-de de-de-de-de... #

Oh, hang on though,

what happens if Beatrice gets stage fright?

That'd be bad for her AND the pantomime, wouldn't it?

It's OK, I can hold an audition and Beatrice can try out first.

-Huh! Confused.

-An audition? It's when you get lots of people together

who act out the same part, and you give the job to the best actor.

Would you like to appear in our panto?

Pantomime auditions...

..at 2pm...

..in Barney's flat.

Huh!

There. That sounds OK, doesn't it?

Huh! Groovy!

In the morning I'll get some copies made, give them to postie,

she can deliver one to everyone, including Beatrice...

What exactly are you doing?

Huh!

Jam!

Socks!

Oh!

"The world's largest jam and sock tower was built in Blackpool

"and stands over 15 metres high!"

Oh! Wackadoo!

This book of amazing records has some...amazing records in it!

15 metres, me and Nev'll beat that no worries.

Our jam and sock tower will start down here,

and then go up through the hallway, up, up and away! Whoa!

BUZZER

Oh! More socks!

HE PANTS

HE SNIFFS

Oh! This must be one of Angry Pant's socks.

They always pong the most!

Nice jam!

Nev? Can you send down some more socks, please?

Socks!

-OK?

-OK, Nevvie!

Now tomorrow, first thing,

I'll start building the tower down here,

-while you make a start up there. Got that?

-Yeah, yeah, tip-top-eroo!

Night, Nevvie!

Night, night, Keith.

COCKEREL CROWS

Make sure everyone gets a leaflet, Barney said.

Oh! It's a pity Beatrice isn't in.

Oh! Mr Prank. His copy of Caretaker's Weekly.

Oh! He'll love that!

He's so good at his work.

And...his leaflet for the pantomime auditions at 2pm.

Oh! He'll make such a wonderful actor!

Oh! Come here.

Oh!

It's called a letter box.

Feel free to use it.

Oh! I love it when he's moody!

Can you believe it?

After all those leaflets no-one has turned up to the audition.

Not one person.

Well, except you, of course.

Princess Fatima!

# De-de-de-de de-de-de-de de-de-de-de de! #

Nev? Why is there a smelly, jammy sock on the floor?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah! At last!

The leaflets have paid off.

Turnipy or not turnipy, that is the questione.

Whether 'tis knobblier in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows...

I'm sorry about the odd socks, Mr Barney, sir.

I've been losing my usual socks from my sock drawer all week.

Highly suspicious.

GROWLS

Anyway, when do I begin in the pantomime, Mr Barney, sir?

I'm free this evening.

It doesn't work like that, Mr Prank.

-Please.

-Thank you.

This is an audition, so we'll be seeing other people.

I'm sure they'll be here shortly. Let's talk about your audition.

You're playing Ali Baba's 40th thief, OK?

Your lines are,

Who cuts my hair? Why, it's Ali of course.

Ali BARBER, you see, it's funny, it's a joke, OK? Easy?

Easy...peasy!

Who cuts the hair...

No, no.

Who cuts the hair?

Why not cut some hair?

Is you hair being cut, sir?

This is your hair.

Boring.

Is this your... Is this MY hair?

Is this Ali's hair?

Why, it's Ali, of course.

Yes, that's right.

Why, it's Barry, of course.

(It's the 100th time, he's still not it right.)

OK, Mr Prank, shall we... Shall we try this again?

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes.

Is it my hair...her...her choo!

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Mr Barney, sir. The bear...

Allergies...

So, do I, er, do I get the part?

No way, Jose!

Mate, I've got no choice.

OK, Mr Prank...

..you've got the part.

Thank you, sir, thank you.

You will not regret this.

Don't forget to learn your lines.

You must be word perfect.

Perfect word.

Uncle? Are you ready yet?

Coming!

CAT MEOWS

I'm dressed as Ali Baba's 40th thief.

-Wow!

-Thank you.

-Can we go now?

-Certainly not. CAT SCREECHES

I have to rehearse for my big role tonight. Stick that in the CD player.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mi-mi-ah-aaah.

-CD: Greetings, fellow thespians.

-Greetings, Sir Oliver.

'Let us begin with the actor's most important tool - the lungs.'

Yes...situated here.

CAT MEOWS

'Let's start by opening our mouths and breathing in - slowly,

-'and deeply.'

-Ooh.

-'Slowly and deeply.'

-Aaaa-aaah-tishoo-oo!

CRASH!

'Vocal chords...vocal vocal chords...vocal chords...'

I think you broke it, uncle.

That blue bear set off my allergies. Let's not worry about that now.

Now, my first line is...

My first line... What is my first line? Um...

Who...

Ah, yes, who...

-Cuts my hair...

-Ah, yes, of course. Who cuts my hair? Why it's...

This is boring, Bandit. Wake me up when he gets it right.

COUGHING Mr Barber cuts my hair.

Who cuts the...

-Lawn!

-Ah, lawn. Why, of course, it's...

-Sean.

-Sean.

-The Prawn.

-The Prawn.

Quack-quack, quack-quack!

Quack-quack, quack-quack!

-NEV GIGGLES

-Quack-quack?! What's that?

There's no quacks in the script.

-Bear...

-Oops.

Run!

-Aa-aa-ah!

-You blue...blue...furball!

Ha-ha-ha! You beauty!

What do you think of that, Squealers?

-SQUEAKING

-Yeah, up she goes.

This jam and sock tower is built on very strong foundations.

Up! Up! Up!

Woo-hoo!

SQUEAKING

Up and away! Heh-heh.

Strewth, it looks like the leaning jam and sock tower of Pisa up here.

Huh, better find more socks and build it up a bit.

Where are you, bear?!

Oh... HE PANTS

He sure is a fast runner.

He needs to be. I'll deal with him later, no time now.

I've only got an hour left before my big role.

Is it tea time already?

No, not that sort of roll. My pantomime role.

According to Sir Oliver,

you have to get IN to the part.

Pretend it really exists.

Why don't you pretend to be a thief.

I'll pretend to listen whilst I go get ice cream.

Perfect, yes!

On you go... HE GRIMACES

Old Angry Pants will have some socks I can borrow.

Blimey! What is he wearing?!

Because I am the sneakiest thief...

..they have ever met!

I'm going to pinch everything they own,

for none of those fools know that this is a brilliant disguise.

-HE CHORTLES

-Oh, wackadoo!

I am a master burglar at work.

I need to tell Nev that Angry Pants is a real thief! Wackadoo!

Well, Bouncer Boy, what did you think of that?

Oh, ah...brilliant.

Let's hope my public agree.

Shall I get us some more ice cream?

Ooh, I might try and sell some ice cream at the interval.

Wobbly.

# Do-da-roo-doo-da-roo-da-roo... #

Nevvie!

AA-AA-AA-AA-AA-AA-AARGH!

Can't scare me.

It's Angry Pants. He's really a thief.

I heard him planning a B-I-I-I-G robbery.

We need to phone the police.

NEV GASPS AND PANTS

Phone 999, Nevvie!

Hello. It's me.

Quick, run, Angry Pants!

-Hello, is that the police?

-SQUEAKS FROM PHONE

He's trying to say there's a thief on the loose. Name of Prank,

Mr Andy Prank... Spell it?

That's it - 200 chocolate ice cream tubs ready to sell.

And still ten minutes left for rehearsal, heh-heh.

-Maybe you should get back into character, Uncle.

-Good thinking.

I'm on the trail of the suspect, Sarge.

I've got his description - short, bandy-legged male with bad skin,

thinning hair, tiny piggy eyes that are too close together

and a disguise that makes him look dead shifty.

..Stealing the girl will make me the richest thief in the kingdom.

I'll call you back, Sarge.

Right, Prank, we know you're in there!

What did you say?

I said, come out with your hands up.

Well, no actually, I didn't say that but I am saying it now.

Em...who, more importantly, where are you?

I am here!

I'm PC Morse. You are under arrest. Put your hands up.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

Cool, a real policeman!

SILENCE!

-There's no mistake. We're acting on a tip off.

-Oh, yes.

You think I'm a thief, don't you?

Well, I am... I can explain. Actually, I'm an actor.

I'm in a pantomime at the moment.

Ooh, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.

If I don't get ready soon, there'll be no 40th thief for Ali Baba.

Well, it does seem possible there may have been some mistake.

-Oh, yes, there was, yeah.

-Well,

I'll let you go this time, Mr Pants,

eh, Prank, but I'll have my eye on you from now on.

Try to stay out of any more trouble.

-Can I take me hands down now?

-YES!

Oh...

-I wonder who told on you, Unc?

-CAT MEOWS

I've got quite a good idea...

SMASH!

-NEV SCREAMS

-Can't scare me! Aa-aa-aah!

NEV WAILS

QUICK!

HE CROAKS

I think you've lost your voice, Uncle.

"Find me a cure, fast."

"You'll try anything."

OK...

Tee hee, I just called by to wish you luck in the panto today.

I hear you got the part.

-I'm afraid there'll be no panto for Uncle... He's lost his voice.

-Oh!

Oh, no, Mr P!

Oh, I used to be a nurse.

What you need is a throat gargle.

GARGLING NOISES

Mr Prank?

Oh, OK... Ready to go?

Go, go.

Yes. Yes, indeed, Mr Barney, sir.

Now, is the winter of our discontent,

made glorious summer

by this son of York.

Oooh! Mr Prank!

So, remember your lines?

HE COUGHS

Who cuts your hair? Ali of course.

Ali Who? Ali BARBER!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Fantastic. Just fantastic.

-Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Mr Barney, sir, would you mind if I used the bathroom before we go?

Just in case I get caught short.

Uh-oh.

Oops.

-OK, sure.

-Thank you, sir.

-Eh...

-Grrrrrrr!

CRASH!

SHOUTING

-HE GASPS

-Oooh!

-Uh-oh.

-Wozzat?

Are you OK, Mr Prank?

Mr Prank, who's that? What a stupid name.

Oh, no, he's got amnesia.

What? No, he can't have. That's when you forget stuff, isn't it?

What have I forgot? Who me? I haven't forgotten anything.

No, no, Mr Prank, you're in a panto.

-Remember? You've got lines.

-What panto?

All right?

Lovely...

-Never mind.

-That's the panto ruined.

Where will I find a thief for Ali Baba at this time?

Is everything OK? I heard a terrible crash.

-Beetroot!

-Beatrice, everything's fine. Hunky dory in fact.

Tell me, have you ever acted before?

EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS

# Doo-doo-doo, da-da-doo... # Here I am.

Oh! Oh, look, a beautiful princess.

Visiting the sick. How charming.

Confused.

Oh, and you bought me some flowers. What a lovely, kind gesture.

Are they daff...daff...?

Aaa-aaa...

Oh, no.

..aa-choo-oooo!

Aa-aa-aa-aa-ah!

I'll get you, bear!

Yeah, the panto was a huge hit, mate. Beatrice?

She was brilliant. No stage fright at all. The audience loved her.

Zippy-de-da!

-She's thinking of taking up acting.

-No, no, she's not.

Oh, yes, she is.

No, no, she's not.

'Night, mate.

Night-night, Barney. Love you.

I love you too.

GROANING

Who...who cuts your hair?

Why...it's the barber.

-MUTTERING

-Ouch.

I know, poor old Mr Prank. I hope he feels better soon.

Me too.

He'll not win any acting awards.

Who...does...my hair?

Ali Barber...

MUTTERING CONTINUES

It's behind you!