It's Cow or Never Bear Behaving Badly


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It's Cow or Never

Comedy series starring Barney Harwood and Nev the bear. Mr Prank buys a cow to give him the freshest milk for his ice cream, but it eats everything in its path.


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Transcript


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Little Neville, there we are...

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Ah!

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Right. This is called the blind taste test, you see.

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Well, you don't see, cos you've got the blindfolds on. Right.

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Now we'll see who makes the best ice cream.

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Go-go-ices - boo!

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Or me - yay!

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-Right. Got it, Mr Barney, sir?

-Yeah.

-Good.

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-Young Neville?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Good.

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Ah...!

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What are you doing, bear?!

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Nev, I think we're doing the taste testing. Not Mr Prank.

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OK. Let me have 'em... Oh, erm... Can't see.

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Oh, give me that spoon, here!

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Now then, this is ice cream number one.

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A-a-ah...

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Mmm... Nice.

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-Tasty.

-Yes, good.

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And this here is ice cream number two...

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-Mmm...

-Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh...

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Oh, ice cream number two! Oh, that is the best by a mile.

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Too right, bro.

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-Are you sure?!

-Yeah.

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Well, erm... Oh, hang on a minute. Hang on.

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Try again.

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-Oh, yeah. Yep. Number two, definitely.

-Eh?

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-Mmm...

-Are you sure?

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Yum yum...

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Have another taste.

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Mmm... Oh, yeah. It's lovely. It's got that something extra. Eh, Nev?

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-Oui, oui.

-Something extra?

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"Made from the freshest dairy milk."

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Of course!

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That's it.

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So, all I have to do to beat Go-go-ices

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is to make mine with fresher milk!

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And I know just how to do it.

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COCKEREL CROWS

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SHE PUFFS AND PANTS

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MOO!

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TYRE HISSES

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Oh!

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I think I might walk into work.

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Work off that ice cream from yesterday.

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Later, Bouncer! And Doris says cheerio too.

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Bye, Doris. Keith. Bye, Nev.

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-Love you, Barney. Hugs, please.

-Oh, go on then.

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-Mwah!

-Love you too, mate, big softy!

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See you later.

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Aw. How come you never up and give me smoochies like that, Doris?

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It's always me dishing out the lovey-dovey stuff.

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-Never mind.

-Man, it ain't right, Nev. It ain't fair.

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Sorry, doll, but until you decide to give me one first,

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it's no more smoochies for you.

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Oh, come on. Come on.

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-Hi, Mr Prank.

-Oh, hello, Mr Barney, sir.

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Are you waiting for someone?

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Yeah, the post. Bloomin' late again.

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Fumin', I am!

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-OK. Well, have a good fume.

-Yeah, I will.

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Oh, come on!

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Oh, there you are! SHE PUFFS AND PANTS

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Come on!

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Oooh...

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MOO!

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Haha-ha!

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Now who's got the freshest milk, Go-go-ices!

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At-choo!

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Bloomin' animal allergies. Right, let's get you into the flat, cow.

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MOO!

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hello, Caretaker Prank speaking.

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'Plank!'

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Hello, Miss Barbara, sir... Ma'am! Hello.

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'I want a word with you, Plank.

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'I'm on my way home. See you in your flat in ten minutes.'

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All right, bye.

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This ain't good. She practically owns these flats.

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If she finds out I'm running an ice-cream business, she'll go barmy!

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Let alone, keeping a cow.

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MOO!

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What?

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Right, bear. How would you like to earn a ton of ice cream?

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Yum yum! Too right, bro.

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All I want you to do is one teensy-weensy tiny little favour.

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Hmm...

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NEV SNIFFS

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Hmm...

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-Cow.

-Oh, very good, bear! Her name's Mildred.

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At-choo!

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Now, all you gotta do is hide her in here for a bit, all right?

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Plank! Are you there?

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Oh, I've gotta go, bear!

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Hmm...

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Cow. Moo!

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MOO!

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NEV SCREAMS

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Calm down, Nevvy!

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She's probably hungry. Cows like a nice bowl of crispies!

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And a game of table tennis.

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MOO!

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O-o-oh...

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I'm telling you, Miss Barbara, sir...erm, ma'am.

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We do not have mice in the cellar.

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-Then what do you call these?

-Erm...

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-Mittens!

-Oh. So you even have names for your filthy vermin.

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Disgraceful!

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SMASH!

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Ten-zero?!

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This cow's rubbish.

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Yum yum!

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Ah, probably ain't hungry.

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HE GASPS

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Streuth!

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That's my big bumper bonza book of Australian folk songs!

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CRUNCH!

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COW BURPS

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BOTH GASP

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Streuth! That's Barney's torch!

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COW BURPS

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What's Mildred going for now?!

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CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

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Streuth! That's three pounds of raw sprouts!

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-Problemo!

-Too right, buddy!

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We'd better get behind Mildred with a bucket!

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RUMBLE!

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Oh, sweet mother of Kylie!

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Quick!

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MOO!

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Poo!

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Quick, Nevvy, to me!

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SQUELCH! SQUELCH!

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-Oh! Nevvy...

-What?

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I think we'll need a bigger bucket.

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Caretaker, caretaker.

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Couldn't-care-less-taker!

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I've got you these. They ought to sort out the problem.

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SNAP! Argh...!

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-Stupid man! I'm going upstairs for a nap.

-Yeah.

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Ooh...

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SHE SNIFFS

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-What's that smell?

-Smell? What smell?

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Smells like...blocked drains.

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Oh, no, no. That's not blocked drains. That's, erm...

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That's me!

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It IS the drains, Plank, and it's coming from in there!

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Don't you worry. I'll deal with it. I am the caretaker after all.

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HE LAUGHS

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PRANK: Where are you, bear?!

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Oh, wackadoo, it's Angry Pants!

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-Now listen up, bear...

-What?

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You've got to hide Mildred.

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BANGING AT DOOR

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Open the door, Plank!

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And quick!

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Plank! I'm warning you!

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CRASH!

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-Miss Barbara, sir...ma'am.

-Who the devil is this?

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Oh, this? This is Mildred, my new, erm...girlfriend.

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Girlfriend, eh?

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Yes.

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MOO!

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Not much of a looker, is she?

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Mind, with a layabout like you, Plank, that's the best you'll get.

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What about this blocked drain?

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SHE SNIFFS

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Ooh. Uncle Rupert would not be impressed by this smell!

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CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

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What do you think you're doing?!

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Erm...

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Now you're a thief as well as a lazy good-for-nothing!

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-I didn't take anything.

-A bottle of Superfizz tonic water,

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a roll of sticky tape and a handkerchief missing!

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Hand them over, Plank!

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-Oh, it was...

-Enough!

-Enough, yes.

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You have ten minutes to return these items or else!

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-OK. All right...

-Ten minutes, Plank!

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Oh, and fix this door!

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No, no, Miss Barbara, you don't...

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SQUELCH!

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You don't understand, Miss Barbara! I didn't actually...

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Streuth! That was close!

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Whoa! Who's the Sheila?

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Cow.

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Oh, yeah!

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Angry Pants' cow, that's right!

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And you hit her, whoo-hoo!

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That's one tub of ice cream for the lads, aha! Wackadoo, Nevvy!

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Yeah!

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Hey, what... What are you...?

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Get off her! Nev, it's Mildred! She's eating my...

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Doris!

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No-o-o!

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Coming, Doris!

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Open wide, Mildre-e-ed!

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NEV GASPS

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MILDRED BURPS

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Crazy Keith?

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Crazy Keith?

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'This is new.'

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RUMBLING

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Keith?

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Doris? Doris? Can you hear me, doll?

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Oh, didge-me-doo-da.

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This stomach is dark!

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Oh! Bonza!

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Crazy Keith? Crazy Keith?

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'Crazy Keith?'

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Crazy Keith?

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Oh! It's OK, Nevvy. Keithy-boy is cool and on the case.

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Doris? Oh, she ain't here.

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She's gone!

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Oh! The only bunny I ever loved has been digested!

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KEITH CRIES

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Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

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Hello... Cow's have four stomachs, haven't they?

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Maybe she's in one of the others!

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Ooh... Nev? I think I've found the way into stomach number two!

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MOO!

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Nev! I've found her! Oh!

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Zippidy-yeah!

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She's stuck.

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OK. Here's the plan. Nevvy, you go find some rope,

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get the cow to eat the end.

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I'll tie it to me and Doris and you and Barney pull us out!

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OK, crazy Keith. No problemo!

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Doris, be brave, my sweet! Be brave!

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Oh, look! It's me big bumper bonza book of Australian folk songs!

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What say we sing to keep our spirits up, eh?

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# Waltzing Matilda Watch Neighbours, and that

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# Tie me kangaroo down And put corks on me hat

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# Jeep in the outback And wallaby stew

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# But I can't get a tune out this didgeridoo

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# And it's no, nay, never!

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# Right up your... #

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Mildred?!

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You can sing?!

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And in Australian!

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Oh, my lord! It's Angry Pants!

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Yeah... I can sing cos I'm Mildred the singing cow!

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PRANK: This is fantastic!

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We'll stuff all that fresh dairy milk nonsense.

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A singing cow will make me richer than ice cream!

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Eh? Hang on a minute!

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PRANK: I can finally jack in this crumby caretakers job!

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Come, Mildred. Let's go.

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KEITH: Whoa!

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Crazy Keith!

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MOO!

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Cow?

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Gone!

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NEV SCREAMS

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What do you mean you're knitting?

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-I've got enough scarves and gloves, thank you!

-Quitting! I'm quitting!

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Enough. Get someone else to fix your drains and your mitten infestation!

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Do you do cardigans?

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This is my resignation.

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I'm going into show biz. Mildred here is gonna make me a star.

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Erm... Mildred?

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Mildred? Where are you?

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Mildred? Where are you, Mildred?

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Mildred?!

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MOO!

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Mildred!

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SNAP! SNAP!

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SNAP!

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A-a-a-argh...

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Argh! CRASH!

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Haha... Argh!

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Caught in the act!

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Trying to steal my Mildred, eh?

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If there's one thing I won't stand for in this block,

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it's cattle rustlin'.

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NEV BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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-Can't catch me!

-Come here, bear!

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Nah-nah nan-nah-nah!

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Sound's like Nevvy's got problems.

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There's gotta be another way out.

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Hang on a minute.

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Superfizz tonic water?

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Hang on, now, Doris.

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I'll have you out of here in a MOO!

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All mine!

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This is my one chance at fame.

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And fortune!

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-BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Can't catch me!

-Oooh!

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Bear, it's COW or never!

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RUMBLING Eh?

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Oh!

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D'you hear me? Now, what ever happens, just hold on tight!

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-BELCH!

-Do-oris!

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No-o-o!

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Ahh!

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GLASS SMASHES

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Nev?

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Nev, what happened to the...door?

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SNORING

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Hello, Barney.

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Cow.

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Oh, sorry!

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-Burglar? You thought I was a burglar?

-Um...

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Yeah, exactly, and so, um, I threw an ornament at you.

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Shaped like a koala with a torch on its head?

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Christmas present from Mum - what you gonna do, eh?

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I feel really bad, so if there's anything I can do to make up for it?

0:16:470:16:52

No, no, no. It's fine. MILDRED MOOS

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Actually...you've got a lot of show biz contacts, haven't you?

0:16:550:17:00

Um...yeah.

0:17:000:17:02

Great. Can you get me the number of the biggest agent in Hollywood?

0:17:020:17:08

I've gotta go back upstairs, Nevvy, back into the cow!

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I've gotta rescue my Doris.

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And this time, Keithy-boy is going prepared!

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No, no, no! Angwy Pants.

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I know Angry Pants might see me,

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but it's a chance I have to take to rescue Doris.

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She needs me now!

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Into the cow!

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So long, Nevvy. Wish me luck, fella.

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Fwightened.

0:17:440:17:46

-KEITH PANTS

-I'm comin' up for ya, doll.

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..Yeah, yeah, that's right -

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a singing cow... looking for a big Hollywood agent.

0:17:540:17:57

That's you, yeah.

0:17:570:18:00

..Audition? What, now?

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..Oh, no, no, no, no. Of course you can, yeah.

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Go on, Mildred, do your stuff.

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MOO!

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Don't worry, she's just a little bit nervous.

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Take your time.

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-MOO!

-Barney! Barney!

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Crazy Keith!

0:18:190:18:21

-TARZAN-LIKE CRY

-Crazy Keith!

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Ahhhh!

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What are you doing? Mr Prank'll see you.

0:18:270:18:30

I'm going back into the cow.

0:18:300:18:33

No! That's too crazy, Crazy Keith. I won't let you.

0:18:330:18:37

Shhh!

0:18:370:18:39

..Yep, yep. Honestly - Australian folk songs.

0:18:390:18:44

-..Crazy!

-Yeah, I know about that.

0:18:440:18:46

Maybe she's not in the mood just yet.

0:18:460:18:49

Hang on a minute! I've got a great idea.

0:18:490:18:53

# Uhh uh-uh oh... # Sing up, Mildred!

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MOO!

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..Oh, no, no.

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Just hang on one more minute, please.

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DIALLING TONE

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No! Oh! Trust me to get a bloomin' prima donna cow!

0:19:050:19:12

Mildred, you could have been the biggest singing cow since...

0:19:120:19:18

Um...

0:19:180:19:20

..since, er...

0:19:200:19:22

Anyway, you've ruined my life. That's it!

0:19:220:19:25

Could my life get any worse?

0:19:250:19:27

Look, I've packed your bags.

0:19:270:19:30

Get out of this building now.

0:19:300:19:32

Apparently, it could. I forgot I handed in my resignation.

0:19:320:19:37

Oh!

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Miss Barbara, sir...er, ma'am, wait a minute. About the letter...

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So, I managed to get me job back, and the way I see it,

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I must've imagined the whole cow-singing thing.

0:19:490:19:53

-Stress, most likely.

-I think you're right, Mr Prank.

0:19:530:19:57

Get rid of Angry Pants so I can rescue Doris.

0:19:580:20:01

At least I've still got the cow, and with milk as fresh as Mildred's,

0:20:030:20:08

I'll have the best ice cream in town!

0:20:080:20:11

Ooh, talking of milk... Do you mind?

0:20:110:20:14

It's about time she was milked, I think.

0:20:140:20:17

Ah, right... Bowl for the milk.

0:20:170:20:19

Right. Um...

0:20:190:20:21

Um... Where are the udders?

0:20:210:20:25

MOO!

0:20:250:20:26

-Er, Mr Prank.

-Yeah?

0:20:290:20:30

I don't think you'll be getting any milk out of Mildred today.

0:20:300:20:35

-Or ever.

-Oh! Why not?

0:20:350:20:37

I think Mildred might be a Malcolm.

0:20:390:20:42

Oh. Excuse me, I've just got to, er...

0:20:440:20:49

DOOR SLAMS

0:20:530:20:55

Aaaaargh!

0:20:550:20:57

Right, now's our chance. Now we...

0:21:000:21:03

MOO!

0:21:030:21:04

SQUELCH!

0:21:040:21:05

PARPING

0:21:050:21:07

POP!

0:21:100:21:11

WHISTLING, THUNK!

0:21:110:21:12

Doris! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wa-hey!

0:21:120:21:16

Doris, you're home! Whoo-hoo!

0:21:160:21:19

Oh, I ain't never gonna not give you smoochies, not ever again!

0:21:190:21:23

Not never, never, never! Mwah, mwah!

0:21:230:21:26

Mwah, mwah...

0:21:260:21:28

Come on, guys. Give her a kiss.

0:21:280:21:30

Ya know you want to!

0:21:320:21:34

Er, that's OK, Keith. This is your moment.

0:21:340:21:37

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

0:21:370:21:39

Yucky.

0:21:390:21:41

-Oh, Barney!

-Well, do you think you could move over a bit, please?

0:21:410:21:46

-Snuggly ducky-duck-duck squished.

-Mr Cuddly-Wuddly's squished too.

0:21:460:21:51

Still, Mr Prank DID say it would just be till tomorrow.

0:21:510:21:55

SNORING

0:21:550:22:00

RUMBLING

0:22:000:22:04

-Get out the bed!

-Quick!

0:22:040:22:06

Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!

0:22:060:22:08

In a bid to save his secret ice-cream business, Mr Prank buys a cow called Mildred to give him the freshest milk possible to improve his recipes. But when it seems like Aunt Barbara is about to discover the animal and in turn his secret little business, Prank smuggles Mildred into Barney's flat and ropes Nev into cowsitting.

Unfortunately for Nev, Mildred has an enormous appetite and before long the cow gobbles everything in its path including Keith's beloved girlfriend Doris! Will Doris be rescued? Will Mr Prank get the sack? Who will save the day?