Big Dog Little Pants Bear Behaving Badly

Honestly, for a dog that lives

in a handbag I think he looks pretty well.

Nonsense, Barney. Anyone can see that Chops is ill.

Poor little chopsy-wopsy.

Are you too sicky-wicky to come shopping with Mumsy-wumsy?

Now I feel sick.

You'll have to look after him while I'm out.

That's no problem. Eh, mate?

You wanted to see me, Miss Barbara, sir...mam.

It's Chops. He's ill.

Oh, oh, oh...

Setting off me allergies.

Lack of regular exercise, that's the problem.

HE SNEEZES

Very astute, Miss Barbara, mam.

Oh, I've got some caretaker-related fitness videos

if that's any use.

Mopsercise Workout, that's a good one.

Sweep Your Way To A Six Pack, that would sort your tum right out.

Exercise for Chops, you idiot. Not me.

-Oh.

-When he's feeling better,

I want him to have some grass to run around on in the back yard.

We haven't got any grass in the back yard.

Exactly! That's why I've got these.

That's grass seed.

And I've got something else in here.

An old friend gave me this.

If you want your grass to grow quickly,

a teeny sprinkling is all you need.

-Are you sure he's ill?

-HE SNEEZES

I mean, he seems quite happy to see me.

I rest my case, Plank.

Come along, Chops. Back you go into your bag.

There's a good doggy.

Oh. Hello, Mr Prank.

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr Barney, sir.

The tap out back's playing up. I had a little accident.

I wonder if I can use your kitchen tap

and run the hose through the window.

Erm...yeah.

Sure, come in.

Very kind. Thank you, sir.

SQUELCHING MOBILE RINGS

Hello.

Chopstick, fetch.

Ow!

Why you little...

Sorry, fellows. Something's come up. I've got to go to work.

Can I leave you in charge of Chops?

Eh? No, no, no. I don't think that's such a good idea, Mr Barney, sir.

-No problemo.

-Nice one.

I'll give Aunt Barbara a call, let her know Chops is in safe hands.

See you later.

Erm, Bear...

SQUELCHING

-Mr...

-Oh!

I'm warning you, Bear.

You so much as touch this tap

-and you are little, blue toast.

-Huh!

No, that's fine.

-G'day, Nevvy.

-Crazy Keith.

Doris is hogging the tub.

Candles, bath oil job.

Could be weeks. Mind if I have my bath here?

-Oh, erm...

-Argh!

Didger me doodah! Only Prank.

Keith, hide.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Bear!!

No, no, no, no!

Not me...

I warned you, Bear.

Argh!

Ah! Oh!

In my best angry voice, I warned you, Bear.

No more.

Bye-bye, Bear.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Can't catch me.

Bear!

Bear!

Oh...

Come here, Bear.

Oh, hello, Miss Melanie.

Oh, Miss Barbara sees this mess, I'm going to lose me job, ain't I?

-Plus some limbs.

-Yes.

Don't worry, Miss Melanie.

There ain't no mess that can't be sorted out

with the old caretaker's friend here.

That'll be a combine harvester, right, or cows,

lots of cows.

Mundo problemo.

HE GASPS

Oh, this is all your fault, Bear.

Spilling that special grass-growing stuff.

No, no, no.

We better hope Auntie doesn't come back early from shopping.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello.

-AUNT BARBARA: Plank, it's me. I'm coming back early.

-But Miss Barbara...

-'Why Barney would leave Chops

'with an idiot like you is beyond me.

'He better be all right or it's the chop for the pair of you.'

Oh, Chops! I forgot about him.

We better find him, Bear.

Aye-aye, captain.

I reckon my dad's lawnmower could sort this grass out.

-I can get it for you if you want.

-Would you?

£5 finder's fee.

-Here.

-Plus £5 super tax.

Plus I've just won a beauty contest, collect £10.

Clear off.

-BARKING

-Chopstick, come out.

-Chop, chop.

-You've found the dog.

Great!

-Look, Chopstick.

-Woof, woof.

Oops.

-Woof.

-Bear...

Keep looking, Bear.

That stupid little mutt can't hide for ever.

And especially not from Andrew Prank,

the 33rd Putney Boy Scouts' top animal tracker.

-See this nose, Bear...

-Big, yeah, yeah.

-These ears...

-Big.

Finely-tuned instruments they are.

Do you know, if there's an animal within half a mile of here

they can detect them.

Do you know what they used to call me in the Scouts?

Big Nose.

No, no, they didn't call me Big Nose.

They used to call me...

-Big Ears.

-No!

They used to call me Radar.

Radar Prank. Do you know why they used to call me that?

-They called me that...

-Woof.

-Shhh.

Did you hear that?

-What?

-It's over there.

I'm telling you, Bear. These instruments never lie.

They never lie.

Ooh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Hmm, teapot.

Oh, yeah. Must have just missed him.

Look! Bear, I told you he was here.

Look, animal dropping.

BEAR SNIFFS

Ow! What are you doing, Bear?

Doggy choc. Yum, yum.

Eh? Yeah, well...

Even David Attenborough's made that mistake. Shhh!

Got you now, Chops.

Snuggly-ducky-duck-duck.

I love you, Snuggly-ducky-duck-duck.

Mwah!

Hang on. What's this?

It's that special growing powder.

-Sparkly.

-Yeah, but look.

Before it was half-full and now it's nearly empty.

-It's like...

-GROWLING, THUMPING

..something's been eating it. Argh! It's Chops!

Giant Chopstick. Run!

SHOUTING

-THUMPING

-We're trapped.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Good doggy.

Nice doggy.

Settle down.

Give me a paw.

-Argh!

-Ouch.

-BARKING

Please, please don't eat me.

I always dreamed I'd go out changing a light bulb,

a proper caretaker's end.

Not like this.

Argh!

-Frightened.

-Bad dog.

Bad dog. Take that.

And that, and there's another squirt for you.

-Bad dog.

-Love you, Crazy Keith.

Best leave this stuff out here, Nevvy.

Don't want Chops growing any more.

Ain't a pooper scooper big enough!

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Ah, relax, buddy. Know what I always say

when I meet animals who've grown to a giant size?

Hmm... ARGH!

After, "Argh..."

I say, "Keithy, boy. Now, where did you put your trusty packet of..."

Super Super Shrink Shrink Powder!

Yeah! The number of times I've saved the world with this stuff, mate!

Look around you - it's like the giant hamster invasion of 2006...

never even happened, right?!

Hmm... There ain't much left though.

Still, should be enough powder to shrink Chopsy back to normal.

Easy-peasy!

Erm... Maybe not so easy-peasy, mate.

If only we had some bait.

Hmm...

-Oh!

-Ah!

BOTH: Angry Pants!

Ooh...my head.

What's going on? Where am I?

Oh...right, gotcha.

Well, on the bright side, no giant dogs.

DOG GROWLS, FEET POUND

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, think, man! Think!

What did they teach you at caretaking school

about being menaced by giant monster pets?

Oh, yeah. That's right - nothing! Argh! Argh!

DOG SLOBBERS

Oh, eugh!

HE SNEEZES

Easy with the Super Super Shrink Shrink Powder, Nevvy!

We've got enough for two shots at hitting Chops

and no more.

OK, Keith.

COUGHING, SPLUTTERING

Streuth, what a racket!

You'd think he'd never had his whole head covered in giant dog saliva.

Anyway...

Voila!

Outcome A, absolutely cannot fail!

Ha-ha-ha!

Do your stuff!

Aye-aye, captain!

Ah...

What was that?

Anyone know the Australian for "oops"?

Bear! I knew you'd have something to do with this!

No, no, no, no!

DOG SNARLS

Oh... Argh!

Righty-oh.

That'll be outcome B, then.

Argh! What's happening to me?

I'm going to get you for this, Bear!

So... Bit of telly and some ice cream, then, eh?

Hmm...

Yeah, all right.

Let's go and rescue him.

Mr Angry Pants?

Mr Angry Pants?

MR ANGRY PANTS?!

Would you shut up, Bear?

You want that monster to find me?

There's still no sign of him, Nevvy.

Shhh!

(Angry Pants.)

What's that?

Someone else there?

Erm, no, no, no.

Just me.

We ought to sneak Tiny Pants out of the flat so Chopzilla can't get him.

Yeah, yeah.

Gently does it.

'Ere, what's happening?!

Where are you taking me, Bear?

Tiny Pants, shhh!

What are all these hairs in here?

Oh, no, no, no. They're dog hairs!

My allergies!

At-choo!

DOG SNARLS

DOG BARKS

-Argh!

-Argh!

Wackadoo! That was close.

DOG BARKS

BOTH: Argh!

Wagh!

Oh... Oh...

-Phew! Scary.

-Think he was scary?

You should have seen the giant hamsters of 2006.

Has Chops gone?

Can I come out now?

HE SNEEZES

-Hey, guys. I'm back.

-Barney.

Sorry to have left you with Chops like that, Nev. Is he OK?

Mmm...

SNEEZING

Sounds like he's getting worse. Those sneezes sound almost human.

Yeah, about that...

Barbara! Crazy Keith, hide!

Where is he? Where's my Chopsy?

SNEEZING

-If anything's happened...

-Don't worry.

Chops is fine, although he has got a bit of the sniffles.

Sniffle? Oh, the poor darling.

Let me have a look at you.

I wish I hadn't lost my glasses though.

Can't see you very well.

THEY SIGH

You have a look.

It's just the sniffles. I'm sure he's...

Erm, oh. Aunt Barbara, do you know what I really want?

I would like some Chopsy-wopsy time for myself.

Yeah, so why don't you go and do some more shopping?

OK, Chopsy-wopsy, time to go inside.

You had your chance. Now give me back my Chops.

SNEEZING

-FEET POUNDING

-(What is going on?)

What is...?

I suppose I'll have to sort this mess out, somehow?

Whatever happens, just keep acting like a dog.

Bye, Chopsy-wopsy, going to miss you.

There you go, Barbara.

Come along, Chops. Let's go and see if that idiot Plank

has started on your grass yet.

Oh, honestly!

He never tidies up, that one. Caretaker, caretaker,

couldn't-care-less-taker.

So, a bit of telly and some ice cream, then?

Eh?

PRANK SNEEZES

Oh, poor Chops.

You're not yourself at all today, are you?

Erm... Oh...

Woof! Woof!

Here, have a doggy choc. They always cheer you up.

Erm... Eugh...

What? Unbelievable. Two hours with that idiot Plank

and you're off your doggy chocs.

Wait till I get my hands on him.

Oh...

Mmm... Mmm...

Woof! Woof!

Oh, woofy, woof!

Oh, that's better. Wish I could find my glasses though.

Then I could see you properly.

I've had an idea.

I think I know how we can shrink giant Chops.

-Nev, stay here, keep an eye on Aunt Barbara.

-OK.

Keith, we need to make something.

-Could you get 300 packets of doggy chocs?

-Eh?

What are we going to make?

This is one giant doggy choc.

And there goes the last of my Super Super Shrink Shrink Powder.

Cool. How do I look?

Scarier than a giant hamster.

Ha. Listen...

-IMPERSONATES WOMAN:

-Poor Chopsy-wopsy.

Too sicky-wicky to come shopping with Mumsy-wumsy.

KEITH LAUGHS

Now, let's go shrink some dog,

before my powder shrinks the choccy instead.

Here you go, my ickle Choppy.

Have another.

Ah... Oh...

Oh, no...

Woof! Woof!

Yum, yum.

Oh...

You know, I may even have some tripe-flavoured ones here.

Ooh...

Good gravy, my glasses!

That's where I put them.

Now I can see you again properly.

ARGH!

What was that?

Oh. Now where are my glasses?

THUD!

Ow!

Hurry, Tiny Pants. Hide!

Chopsy! Here, boy!

Barbara! Glasses!

Argh!

Uh-oh. Better be quick, Barnster.

Here, Chopsy-wopsy! Here, boy!

THUDDING

DOG SNARLS

Doggy want a treat?

Mmm, yeah, yeah!

Not you, mate!

Wait for it. Wait for it. And...

go!

CRUNCHING

SLOBBERING

Good doggy.

Here, Chops!

DOG BARKS

-Aw, hurray!

-Yippee!

Chuck us the bag, Nev.

Now, where are my blooming glasses?

Oh, there they are!

Now I can have a proper look at my ickle-wickle diddums! Yes.

Oh, you do look better. Much better.

Maybe you don't need this grass after all.

Come on, let's go inside, eh?

Now you can say it, Nevvy.

Easy-peasy.

So, where do you think old Angry Pants is hiding?

Wackadoo!

Hey, Nev. I found my dad's lawnmower. It's...

Seriously, that guy's two wine gums short of a packet.

LOUD MOWING

There we are, sir. All mowed.

Are you sure you don't want me to weed your sofa?

-No, thanks, Mr Prank.

-Oh, well. Suit yourself.

Oh, and so there's no more giant animal shenanigans,

I brushed myself clean of all that special growing powder.

Put the little bits down the sink.

NEV GASPS

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Well, I'll bid you good night, sir.

BOOMING: Yeah, but guess which crazy koala was down there at the time?

KEITH LAUGHS

Argh!