King of the Swingers Bear Behaving Badly

RAIN SMATTERS

THUNDER CRACKS

Thundery!

Groovy!

Can't scare me!

-Barney-Barney! Thundery.

-Yeah, it is thundery.

I'm soaked! It's raining cats and dogs out there.

NEV WHIMPERS

Oh, mate... I didn't mean real cats and dogs.

-As in it's raining really hard.

-Frightened.

Nev, come out. I've got a present for you.

Here I am. Now, please!

Here you go. What do you think to that?

Er...

-You know, it'll keep you busy while I'm at work.

-Hmm.

And I saw Postie on the street. He was trying to deliver this.

A package with an Australian stamp on it to the Karate Koala.

-Crazy Keith!

-Must be.

Here you are, Keith! Got a delivery for you.

-LOUD CRASH

-Wackadoo! Thanks, Barnster.

Right, then. I'll get myself dried off.

I tell you what, while I do, why don't you have a go at that?

Hmm...

Confused. Hmm.

Ha-hah! Well, look what we have here, Doris.

It's a parcel from the homeland.

-CRAZY KEITH GASPS

-Wow!

Didgemidoo-dah! It's a box of Rockhampton Reds!

My favourite fleas!

I know, I know!

NEV SQUEALS

-CLANGING

-Oops!

FLEAS SING POPPY TUNE

Ha-hah! Kangaroos didn't even jump till these beauties showed up.

METALLIC CLANGING

Doris has been bonked on the head. Strewth!

NEV HUMS

-Hi, Nev. I like your tent.

-Groovy!

-But that's not what your present is for though, mate.

-Oh!

-They're golf clubs. For golf. It's a game.

-Golf!

-Yeah. I tell you what, Mr Prank plays golf.

-Hmm.

He showed me his trophies once.

-He could give you a lesson while I'm out.

-No, no, no, no!

-Come on, be a sport.

-No way, Jose!

-Give him a chance to show off.

-Angry pants!

He's not that bad. Golf might be your shared hobby.

You might even end up friends. NEV GROANS

Oh yes... Yes. This is my favourite trophy.

Winner of the District Under 13s.

I was the only competitor, but still, not a bad achievement.

Sleepy.

And this is a signed photo of me and golfing legend Tiger Forest.

It's not his signature, it's mine.

-But you know, all the same really, isn't it?

-Sleepy bear.

Are you listening, bear?

Right, we'll begin with putting. Now, there's your ball,

and there's your club, the putter.

I'll go first, show you how it's done.

OK, Mr Angry Pants.

Now, stand back there.

I don't want you setting off my allergies. All right?

Right... First of all, we take a practice stroke.

NEV YELPS

Then we address the ball.

Hello, ducky!

With feet at shoulders' width apart and eye on the ball,

we take the stroke, very carefully.

Ah yes... I haven't lost my touch, you know.

Right! Your try, bear!

Three, two, one!

CRASHING

Uh-oh... Sorry, Mr Angry Pants.

Ow! Didgemidoo-dah!

Enough! What is going on up there?

CRAZY KEITH MUTTERS

Ah! So Nev fancies himself as a golf pro, does he?

And so does old Angry Pants. Yeah.

I'll commentate, shall I, Dor?

Right, we'll try again. Address the ball, bear.

-DOOR SLAMS

-There you are, Plank.

-Barbara!

Hello, Ms Barbara, sir...ma'am.

Clear the leaves out of my guttering.

They're turning into slime!

-Yes, of course, Ms Barbara.

-What's going on here?

I'm teaching young Neville to play a bit of golf.

-So you're working as hard as usual, Plank.

-It's Prank!

Caretaker, caretaker, couldn't-care-less-taker!

And his little doggy goody-goof!

I'm afraid not, no.

Now, then... Address the ball, Neville.

Woof, woof!

And now, carefully swing.

-NEV LAUGHS

-Woof, woof, woof!

Neville, little Nevvy doggy... He's a champ!

GROWLING

Now, now, Chops. Don't be such a jealous doggy.

-Who's a clever little Nevvy poochie?

-Woof, woof, woof, woof!

It strikes me, Plank,

-that dear little Nevvy doggy should be giving you the lessons.

-Woof!

Now, don't forget my guttering!

PRANK GRUNTS

Right, bear...

PRANK SNEEZES

We've got a score to settle.

-There's only room for one golfer in this block, and that's me.

-Uh-oh.

I challenge you to a tournament. Nine holes at the local golf course.

Beginner's luck won't last all day.

PRANK LAUGHS SINISTERLY

WESTERN STYLE MUSIC

NEV SIGHS

I've been thinking, bear. Every competition needs a prize.

How about if you win,

you get to spend an hour on your own in the ice cream van.

Tiptoperoo!

I'm liking the sound of that!

But if I win, or should I say when I win,

I get to tie you to a broom handle and use your little blue bum

-to wipe out the slime from the guttering.

-No, no, no, no!

-Good! It's a deal.

-No way, Jose!

It's still raining outside! Still, that shouldn't stop us.

That's what golf's all about, isn't it?

Too right, bro!

Oh...

I'll just get my brolly. It's raining cats and dogs out there.

-Frightened!

-Frightened? Of a bit of rain?

Well, if you won't go outside, then I'll declare myself the winner.

Hooray!

-Cool your boots, Angry Pants.

-Ah, Smellamie!

I decide the winner around here - and the loser.

If the weather's too bad to play outdoor golf,

then you're going to have to play crazy indoor golf instead.

Oh yeah...

So, three holes in total.

-If you bag two, you win the whole tournament.

-Easy peasy!

-Hole number one is called Tunnel of Dreams.

-Groovy!

You play the ball through this tunnel, past the beanbag bunker,

over this ramp and out into the doll's house in the hallway.

-First to the house wins the hole.

-Right.

Mr Prank, as you're the oldest by about a thousand years,

-you can go first.

-Yes, right. Club, please, Bandit.

Lovely.

BANDIT MIAOWS

-FEEDBACK

-One, two, one, two...

So, Doris...

Tense moments as the old man steps up to take his first shot.

FLEAS BOO

And, I must say, what a humungous backside.

DRUM ROLL

PRANK LAUGHS

See? That's how it's done, bear.

PRANK GRUNTS

Oh, tough luck, Angry Pants. It must be stuck.

No, no, no. He's coming, he's coming!

Come on, little ball. Come out!

Ow!

-Will you look at that?

-FLEAS GIGGLE

That's one in the eye for the oldster.

Oh! And Nevvy's up next.

FLEAS: Nevvy, Nevvy, Nevvy...

DRUM ROLL

NEV SIGHS

CHEERING

Good shot, Nevster!

-Uh-oh...

-Ha-ha-hah.

Bunkered.

FLEAS: Oh no...

Ah... Hard luck, Nevvy. Into the beanbag bunker.

And that's one sticky pickle. Surely Angry Pants to take the first hole.

DRUM ROLL

Ah-choo!

Oh no... I sneezed because of the bear!

Oh... That doesn't count!

CLANGING

-CRAZY KEITH GASPS

-Oh, didgemidoo-dah!

Not again! I'm sorry, love.

Let's get you out of the firing line, shall we?

It says in the rules

that if the ball is lost, the player starts again.

That's not fair. It was my allergy to that grubby furball that did it.

NEV GROWLS Keep your hair on, Angry Pants.

It's not like you have much to spare. BANDIT LAUGHS

DRUM ROLL

Oh, yes! And that's how it's done, bear.

-Nev's go.

-I'll go and stand in the hallway then,

give you some room.

I'll just take that out of there.

Hmm...

CHEERING

CRAZY KEITH GASPS

I don't believe it! Nevvy's ball safely over the ramp

and heading for the doll's house.

PRANK LAUGHS MENACINGLY

Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Oh... Hard luck, bear, hard luck.

You'll never get it out from there.

Looks like your blue bum is heading for that guttering.

Now, stand back there.

Right...

Ha-ha-hah! One hole to me, then.

-CRAZY KEITH GASPS

-Why, that cheating mongrel!

No, I'm sorry, Doris. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a cheat!

Right. I'm going to go upstairs

and give Angry Pants a taste of his own medicine.

Come on, fellas!

So Nev has to win the remaining two holes to win the whole tournament.

This is hole number two, Toilet Trouble.

Go through the windmill up the ramp to the top.

There are three paths to chose from, each leading somewhere different.

The winner is the one to get their ball to the basket

in the fewest shots.

Now, watch the master. Hole in one! Right...

Put the ball down there like that. Right.

FLEAS: Let's get him. Oh, stinky feet!

Bite, bite!

-Ow!

-CRASHING

-I've been bit!

-Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

It's still biting my foot! What's going on? Where's my ball?

-Bandit, don't just stand there!

-BANDIT MIAOWS

-Nev's go!

-Ow...

CHEERING

BANDIT MIAOWS

-It's in the basket! Nev wins the hole.

-Tiptoperoo!

I'll get you, bear.

OK, the last hole is called Run Block.

Whoever wins it, wins the medal. Both know what you're doing?

The ball starts here and it goes into the hallway,

down the steps and into the plant pot.

I'll wait there to give the winner the medal.

-And that winner will be me.

-NEV BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Good luck.

-Right, me first.

Hello, ducky. Good lucky. Mwah, mwah, mwah!

OK, fellas. Time to start a bushfire in those angry pants.

-FLEAS: Aye aye, captain. Let's go!

-Let me have a look at this.

You heard him, friends. Bite, bite!

Ow!

Bite, bite!

-Ow!

-CRAZY KEITH LAUGHS

Miaow!

Oh, strewth!

Keithy boy has been rumbled. Abandon ship, abandon ship!

-BANDIT MIAOWS

-Hello... What have we here, then?

"Rockhampton Reds, the fleas with bite." Ow!

-You're behind this, aren't you, bear?

-No, no, no, no!

Well, if I'm going to have fleas, so are you.

NEV SCREECHES

Right. Well, now it's itchy for both of us, bear.

Let's see who's best.

-Bite!

-Ouch!

-Oh... Ouch!

Right...

-Oh yes!

-Bite!

-Ouch!

Ha-hah! Wackadoo! Right back at you, Angry Pants.

What?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

That makes no sense!

My turn. Now, please!

I've got my eye on you, bear.

Three, two, one...

NEV HUMS

Hmm...

CHEERING

-FLEA: Bite!

-Ow!

WINDOW SMASHES

-Uh-oh...

-Oh dear.

Seems like you've lost your ball, bear.

NEV GROANS

Stuff the rules, that makes me the winner!

Now, where did I put that broom handle?

I'm going to tie you to it now.

NEV SCREECHES

It's gutter clearing time for you, bear!

NEV WHIMPERS

No!

Finally!

-Nev wins!

-No! No, I'm the greatest. Me!

NEV LAUGHS

Stone the crows, Doris! Here's a turn-up! Ice cream all round.

-Congratulations, Nev!

-I win, I win! Tiptoperoo!

BANDIT WHINES

SCRATCHING

Itchy.

So, bear,

I suppose you'll be wanting the keys to the ice cream van.

-Too right, we do.

-Hungry.

Just remember,

it was luck and cheating that won you the first prize.

I'm the best golfer around here.

-Has anybody seen my handbag?

-Yes, Ms Barbara, sir...ma'am.

Yeah, it's here on the sofa, look. Here.

Oh, there it is.

Good gravy, Chops hasn't had his lunch. Have you, Chops?

-Ouch! The nasty thing bit me.

-He must be hungry, Ms Barbara.

Not Chops, you fool. A flea! Somebody's given Chops fleas.

-Was it you, Nevvy doggy?

-Huh?

-Was it?

-Um... Ow!

Just as I thought. Come along, a good scrubbing is what you need.

-No!

-Then I'm going to do Chops.

-No, no, no, no!

Wackadoo!

Then you won't be needing these, will you, bear?

By the time you've been scrubbed clean,

your hour in the ice cream van will be up!

Guttering, Plank! And I don't care if it's raining.

Caretaker, caretaker, couldn't-care-less-taker.

PRANK MUTTERS

I've brought my spoon and everything!

There you go.

FLEA: Bite!

Ouch! Ow!

Is that a flea? FLEAS GIGGLE

Strewth! Sorry, Barnster.

Those will be Kiki boys. Come on, fellas. Back in the box.

-The last one home's a drongo!

-FLEA: He's a drongo!

That's the stuff.

Say, Barnster. Chuck us a spoonful of ice cream.

OK.

Oh, no... Not again! Are you OK, Doris?

It's not your day, is it, love?

I'm sorry, honey.