Episode 1 Celebrity Driving Academy

Driving Academy is back with a bump, and this time with added celebrity!

We've got three stars who are disasters in cars.

-So mean!

-Plus their kids, helping them to become better drivers

by joining them on a one-week crash course behind the wheel.

Over five days, our teams are going head-to-head

in five of the most outrageous driving challenges on the planet.

Who will overcome their bad habits

and impress the academy's super-strict chief examiner, Sandra?

And which team will be crowned the champions

of Celebrity Driving Academy?

-We've got a puncture!

-What?!

-What?!

Hello, I'm Joe Swash, and this is Celebrity Driving Academy!

We have just one week

to sort out our celebrities' dodgy driving habits

and bad road behaviour, because at the end of the week

they'll be facing the ultimate driving test,

the fiendishly difficult monster superskill challenge!

Ha-ha-ha!

So come on, dummy, let's get this show on the road!

Coming up on day one at Driving Academy,

giant footballs as our teams battle for points

in today's reversing superskills challenge.

But first, let's meet our calamitous celebs and their kids.

# I just came to say hello... #

Playing in blue, it's award-winning comedian

and West End star Brian Conley and his daughter Lucy.

You know, I feel quite confident.

I've driven for many, many, many, many, many years,

never had an accident, er...

I'm not the best reverser, though,

so that is obviously something I've got to focus on.

-We will try our best.

-Mmm, that's all you can do.

The Green Team - ex-EastEnders star and all-round funny lady Nina Wadia

and her daughter Tia.

I've never driven a car before,

and seeing my mum drive makes it look really exciting.

I am really nervous, I think all my bad habits

are going to be exposed, aren't they, Tia?

And finally, in orange, another former Albert Square resident,

Todd Carty and his son Tom.

I think me and my dad will work great as a team.

I've been driving for... maybe 30 odd years now,

and I don't know that I'm getting any better.

They're all here to win the Celebrity Driving Academy trophy,

awarded to the team scoring the most points

in the week's five superskills challenges.

And each day there's a special treat for the worst team,

the wash of shame, ha-ha-ha!

It's all to play for, but before the competition can get under way,

we'd better teach the kids to drive.

Our rookies aren't allowed on public roads,

but here at the academy, anything's possible.

They've never driven before,

so if they're going to help their parents become better drivers,

they need to learn all the skills and techniques

to be safe on the roads.

And elite driving instructor Vicky Lovell,

with over 25 years' experience, is one of the country's top tutors.

They key difference between teaching children and adults to drive

is adults only focus on passing the driving test

and children actually want to be good at driving.

Throughout the lesson, Vicky has a set of dual controls,

so our rookies are in safe hands - well, feet, actually!

Let's start with the basics.

-So we're going to let the clutch up.

-Yeah.

-Oh!

A little tiny bit at a time. Oh!

A bumpy start for Tia, but she's off.

And we're going to accelerate now.

Aah!

And brake gently to a stop, really gent...

-Oh!

-Sorry!

So your first driving lesson. # Da-da-da! #

-How was that?

-Weird, really weird!

Lucy's moving, nice one.

Let's try a corner.

So, quick steering to the right.

-That's left.

-Oops!

-There's a building there.

-Beep!

-There you go, you're driving.

-And...

-Now can I go really fast?

-Not yet, Tom!

Drive at a speed that you'll be able to control the car.

Making a car go forwards is hard enough,

but today's superskills competition is designed to test reversing,

so our rookies will need to quickly master the art

of making a car go backwards. No pressure, then!

To reverse safely, it's really important

that everybody knows about all the blind spots

and to reverse with lots and lots of control.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Oh, I put the brakes on for you there.

It looks like Lucy's got to work on her control.

Steer towards... Oh, dear.

Stop, stop, stop. We've gone very wrong, haven't we?

Not much better from Tia.

Now if you're ever wondering what a blind spot is,

it's anywhere behind the car that you can't see in your mirrors.

What can I hear? What can I hear?

-Oh!

-Like a white bollard in front of a solid concrete wall?

This is impossible.

-Oh, no, I've hit someone!

-Or a cone.

-Exactly!

-Oh.

-Oh-oh-oh!

-Brake!

Oh, I've really dented it.

There's still a lot to learn, and our rookies are running out of time.

Can they really get good enough

to compete in the superskills reversing challenge?

Before we let Brian, Nina and Todd loose on our superskills course,

there's one lady who wants to find out

if they've picked up any bad driving habits.

I'm Sandra Dodson,

Celebrity Driving Academy's chief driving examiner.

With over 20 years' experience as an examiner,

what Sandra doesn't know about driving techniques and road safety

simply isn't worth knowing.

She's designed a super-tricky test course

to find out whether their driving is up to scratch.

I'm looking for observation, control

and good planning and scanning.

I want hazard awareness, and I want to see knowledge,

understanding and a good attitude.

And they're off!

MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac

# Bow, ba-ba-bow, ba-ba-ba-ba, bow... #

This is weird.

And here comes Todd Carty.

He's moving down the straight there.

I think we might have found ourselves a little boy racer!

Oh, my goodness, he's almost chicaned that corner!

Turbo Todd's into the arena - first it's the barrel run.

These are a test of good steering control,

but he's racing through them!

Into the roundabout.. Oh, oh, watch out for the cyclist!

I'm not going to make it! Oh, just, innit? Just!

Good grief! Thanks goodness my crash-test dummy's out of the area!

Meanwhile, Nina has passed the roundabout

and is setting up to reverse the next bit of the course,

which is testing awareness and concentration.

-"Honk if you use your mirrors."

-Yeah!

-Great awareness!

Now what about concentration when being distracted by dummies?

Did I kill someone?!

-They're definitely putting her off.

-They are.

They're knocking her off her stride, them water bombs.

Oh!

You've completely blown it for me now!

How's Brian going to cope with the three-point turn?

He hates reversing!

Cor, it's a bit tight to do a three-point turn, here we go.

I'm a bit tight here.

It's going take a little bit more than I thought, this.

Come on, Bri! It's meant to be a three-point turn!

No, I ain't going to do that, I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to have to start again! Oh, God!

How am I going do a three-point turn in here?!

So his three-point turn is just out of control, frankly.

How's boy racer Todd Carty going to get on?

He's reached the speed humps, I can't look.

-Not at all, there he goes, look!

-Oh, my goodness!

Don't buy a second-hand car off this man.

Meanwhile, Nina pulls off a great three-point turn.

All she's just got to do is turn left and head for Sandra.

Whoo-hoo!

Hold up... Hold up, she's driving out of the course!

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball... #

Where she's going?!

Sorry! I need to zigzag back in.

Oops!

What a scatterbrain!

You won't get away with it!

Brian's onto the final test,

and it's more reversing, but this time into a parking space.

-Blimey, how tight is this?

-Go on, Bri!

Again, he could have done with looking behind him.

You know, behind you!

I would never do this, I'd get the wife to do it.

-Oh, I've hit it, I've hit it!

-He's hit a car.

-Sorry!

-He's made a total hash of that!

So rubbish reverser Brian, scatty Nina and boy racer Todd

definitely made an impression on our chief examiner.

I think I'll have to think about this, I need a lie down!

Still to come on today's Celebrity Driving Academy,

a tasty slice of the Pieway Code quiz,

Mr Crash lives up to his name, and who will take the wash of shame?

It's now time for the superskills,

and today's one is going to be particularly tricky.

Our teams are going to have to be on the ball,

quite literally on the ball,

because we're playing indoor football - with cars!

Come on, guys, that's it, in it goes!

Dummies, what are you doing?! This way, come on!

This is Penalty Boot-Out.

Our drivers have to reverse through a series of defender dummies

and score as many goals as possible using the boot of their car.

The adults get three minutes, then the rookies get five.

The team with the most goals wins, but beware -

our chief examiner Sandra is keeping a beady eye on everybody.

Her course is designed to teach them

to reverse confidently and accurately.

A text-book reverse is one that's controlled

but has good all-round observation.

But remember, she can disallow goals

if she spots any dangerous or downright dumb driving.

Right, first up we have Brian and Lucy with the Blue Team.

Come on, you Blues!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, this is tight, this one, isn't it? Oh, here we go.

This is rubbish reverser Brian's worst nightmare.

Well, I must say, Joe, yeah, he's quite sedately at the moment.

I think you can see Lucy's helping him a bit.

-Line up with the green.

-Yeah.

-Here he goes, look!

-He can't go forward.

-Oh, go on, Bri!

CHEERING

Yay! Goal!

Yay, first on the score sheet!

If you hit them, it's their fault.

You're not in line, you're not allowed to go forward.

Just do it, just do it, you've still got it.

-Oh!

-Oh, he's missed!

-Didn't do it, didn't do it.

-It's gone wide! Gutted!

He's halfway through, he really needs to pick the pace up.

Apparently, I'm being told we're halfway through,

-so I've got to make this one count.

-Wow, you're really good!

Well, it would be good if we score a goal.

At least someone's got faith in your reversing, Bri!

-Stay in line!

-He got a goal!

-Yeah!

-Back of the net, perfect ball control!

Two goals for the Blues, great reversing.

Just 30 seconds left, can Bri hold his nerve?

Oh, he's given it too much, has he done it?

Oh, he's overcooked it!

Ten seconds left.

I'm not going to do it, cos I'm not at the right angle.

He's sliced it! A crucial miss. The ball's not in but he almost is.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I just thought, "Well, if the ball's not going to go in,

"let's put something in the net,"

so I just put my car in the back of the net.

-I think you did really well.

-Oh, thank you very much.

That's half-time for the Blues.

We got two! Let's go!

It's a game of two halves, so Lucy's up next in the driving seat.

All right, let's see how Lucy handles the course.

And she's off, five minutes to go.

The rookies can weave any route through the players,

and this is a great start.

-Oh!

-What skill! Gosh, I'm impressed!

Keep going straight, straight, straight, straight.

Oh, she's knocked it wide, just like her dad.

Oh, what a shame!

Well done, though. Well done, good driving!

Oh, that was really unlucky. Come on, Lucy.

And just go back, just go back now and keep going back.

You scored a goal! Brake, brake, brake.

You scored a goal, well done.

Yay, in off the post! That's three goals for the Blues,

and Lucy's really showing her dad how to reverse.

You're doing well, you might even score another one.

# Scored a goa-oal Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh! #

There's less than a minute to go, can she make it four for the Blues?

My way, my way, go hard my way, keep it straight and...

now your way, your way, your way...

Oh!

Oh! There goes our centre back!

There'll be a red card for that.

Well, I've heard of giving a dummy but not running one over!

Oh, she's gone back for the same player!

She's hit it again! And time's up.

That dummy thinks it's all over - well, it is now!

Well done!

-Come on.

-Uh...

-So talk to us, come on, Bri.

-All right, mate.

-How did you find that, Luce?

-At least I got one!

You did, you could have got a couple,

but your reversing was lovely, Sandra said -

it was smooth, controlled, she was really pleased with you.

Three goals, we're very, very happy.

Exactly, it's all to play for. Well done, Blue Team.

Right, next up we have Nina and Tia,

but, first, has anyone seen Sandra? I've lost her.

I bet Sandra's in her office.

Yep, there she is,

under the watchful eye of legendary safe driver, James May.

You know these cameras take amazing photographs. Oh, yes.

I could have been a model.

Wait!

Oh, it's Mr C, the Driving Academy's chief crash test dummy.

He has accidents so you don't have to.

Proceed.

Mr C, what disaster have you been involved with this time?

There's Mr C on his bike.

There's a parked car.

Oh! What did Mr C do wrong?

Unbelievable. And you weren't even wearing a helmet.

I mean really - what would James May say?

I bet James May would have some great advice.

Tell him, James.

Don't be a dummy when cycling past parked cars,

if the road is clear, leave some space for the big shiny metal things.

-Because?

-Because there might be some careless doughnut

who hasn't seen you.

Good advice, James May.

Remember that in future, Mr C. Now get out, get out.

Don't be a dummy like Mr C and stay safe for Sandra.

SHE GRUMBLES

Next to play, it's the Greens.

-WHISTLING

-Right, here we go, teams.

And scatty Nina's off.

The Greens have got three to beat,

but can Nina concentrate for long enough?

OK, Tia, what do I do, what do I do?

-Right.

-Right.

-No, left. Left!

You're freaking me out!

Blimey, keep it together, girls!

Oh, no, I've reversed too soon, haven't I?

This is the hardest part of the course, getting in.

She really needs to focus here.

-Here we go, she's going to go for it.

-Line it up.

-Whack it, mama!

-CHEERING

She shoots, she scores!

Well done, Nina!

Not so scatty when it really matters.

Oh, no, this is where I completely lose it.

THEY SCREAM

THEY LAUGH

Crikey, it's more like the Scream Team than the Green Team.

Very impressed.

-OK, you've got your goal coming up.

-Oh, no, what do I do now, Tia?

She's got to keep her nerve here.

Wait, wait, wait, I can do this, one sec, one sec.

Let me just get the angle right.

Do it!

Get it in.

-Yes? Yes.

-Is it in?

-No.

-The dummy said no.

-No, it's not in.

She's hit the post.

No goal and less than a minute left.

Nina's got it all to do now.

What are you doing?!

-I've got to get another goal.

-Easy!

Goodness me.

I tell you, Nina is in it to win it.

She's looking all the time.

CHEERING

Great shot!

Nina's finally got her head in the game.

I'm going the wrong way, am I?

Oh, I spoke too soon.

Where's she going?

There's just five seconds to go. Nina's totally lost it!

TIME UP WHISTLE

It's half-time for Team Scream.

Tia's in the driving seat.

The Greens have two goals.

She needs another two to beat the Blues' three.

Come on, Tia!

To the left, the left. Left, that's it, that's it.

Now straighten out, straighten out. A little bit to the right.

It's all about teamwork. Even Nina's concentrating.

And bang. Go for it!

Amazing finishing!

Can she get another?

Good. Good driving. Take your time.

She's using her mirrors well, Sandra.

She's really, really using her mirror well.

Straighten out to the right.

I am, I am.

OK, whack it. Go for it, Tia. Whack it!

And she's whacked it.

Goal!

The Screaming Greens are in the lead with four.

This is amazing! But is there more?

To the right, to the right, to the right.

TIA SCREAMS

So wait, if Tia gets this that means she has scored

more than any other individual so far.

Keep going. Reverse, reverse and whack it in!

Go on, go on.

CHEERING

To the left, Tia, to the left.

Incredible!

That's five for the Scream Team. They've reached fever pitch.

All the way left. No, sweetheart. That's it, all the way left.

-You're saying left.

-Sorry, my fault.

-Oh, great.

Left, left, left, left. You're doing good.

Go now, left, left, left.

Feel the ball, go to the ball.

This is unbelievable! Is she going to score again?

There's seconds to go. I can hardly watch!

-Come on, Tia. Come on, Tia.

-Yeah!

CHEERING

TIME UP WHISTLE

A super six for the Greens!

I'm so proud of you!

Really, really, that was amazing. Four goals! That's incredible!

Right, Tia, tell me how that was. Was that good?

Um, yeah.

I can tell you, so far, you've got more goals than anyone -

adults or children. Well done.

It's also put you into the lead.

Congratulations to the Green Team, so next up we have Todd and Tom.

But first, I think we've enough time

for a cheeky little slice of the Pie Way Code.

This little book tells you everything you need to know

about thinking safely and driving safely on the roads.

Now our teams have been furiously swatting up,

so let's find out how much they really know.

So let's play the Pie Way Code.

This is the Pie Way Code, a quiz all about the highway code,

but get an answer wrong and you guessed it, you get pied.

Can I have a cloth, please?

Ready, folks? You can play along at home.

Can our celebrities draw the correct sign for...?

Slippery road.

I think I've got it!

Nina is drawing a box.

Brian's might be a car.

Don't copy.

Who knows what Todd's drawing?

Have you guessed at home?

And we've got one of those.

OK, time's up.

That is my slippery road.

And the correct answer

looks like this.

NINA CHEERS Yes, yes, yes!

Nina's got it right.

Yes!

Well done, Bri.

Oh, dear... You know what this means?

Mm, nice.

Well done, Nina and Brian.

Todd, you better get swotting up.

Next up, it's the Orange Team.

Turbo Todd kicks off.

They need seven goals to beat current leaders, the Greens,

but four will save them from the Wash of Shame.

Is there something wrong with the car?

Why's he going so slow?

Have a go, son, have a go!

CHEERING

Yes! Great finish. The Oranges are on the score sheet with one.

Is that the dummy?

Turbo Todd's looking like a changed man out there.

I tell you what, he's taking this really seriously.

-Look at his face.

-What do you reckon? Give it a go?

He's dead on line.

Oh, and he's smashed it!

CHEERING

And that's two for Todd.

He needs one more to level with the Blues' three.

I'm so impressed. His observation's out of the back all the time.

Very, very safe.

What do you reckon, Tom?

The boy racer's winning over Sandra.

But can he get his hat-trick?

Brilliant strike for the Orange Team!

-Goal number three.

-It's a hat-trick for Todd.

It's a cracker!

There's 40 seconds left, is there time for one more?

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on, come on.

You've got to go. Come on, you can do it, one more.

Oh, what's this?

Boy racer Todd is back. He's all over the place!

Ten seconds!

Missed it.

Oh, he fluffed it. It's gone well wide.

And he's out of time!

WHISTLING

ALL: The referee's a dummy! The referee's a dummy!

Tom's in the driving seat.

He needs at least one goal to avoid Team Orange being gunged today.

Go on, Tom!

I wonder if Todd's telling him what to do? I bet he is.

Slow down, slow it right down. Straighten it up.

Is he going to connect? He's going to miss it.

You missed it.

-Unlucky.

-This is so hard.

Right, let's go down the other end now. Through the middle now.

Oh, he almost hit a dummy!

He did just hit a dummy.

You might get it in with him.

TOM LAUGHS

And Todd's encouraging him to keep driving.

CHEERING

The ball's in the net, but so is the dummy.

That's four goals, but what will Sandra make

of the Oranges' dangerous driving?

Keep it straight like that.

He's going for it!

That's more like it. Five goals for Todd and Tom.

Keep it on, Vicky.

Well done, Tom.

-Thomas, nice and easy.

-Great contact!

Whoa, what a shot!

So Tom equals the Blues' six.

Amazing! But does he have enough left in the tank to make it seven?

Right hand down. Right hand down.

Right hand down. Sharp. Perfect. Vicky?

You've got 30 seconds.

Is he going to do it?

Bomb it, bomb it, bomb it.

Fantastic goal. Well done.

Unbelievable.

I don't think even Wayne Rooney would've got that.

A spectacular finish, and what a way to end the Penalty Boot-Out.

TIME UP WHISTLE

Well done, mate. Champion.

I felt that he really helped me.

Without him, I definitely wouldn't have scored.

-Thanks to my dad.

-Thanks, pal.

Well done.

Tell us, how was that for you?

It was good.

You had a bit of an issue with one of our dummies.

I'm not sure whether that goal's going to count.

So we'll have to wait till later, till Sandra makes up her mind.

Teams, you've had a fantastic day at the academy,

you have all done brilliantly,

but, you know, I'm not the boss,

this is the lady that calls all the shots.

Sandra, take it away.

We have the results.

In first place with a total of seven goals...

That's a good score, that.

It's a good score. It's Todd and Tom.

CHEERING

Well done, fellas.

If you'd like to make your way to the number one position.

Todd, well driven.

But there's still a little bit of boy racer about you, you know.

Tom, you did actually convert one of my crash test dummies

into a star striker.

So, unfortunately, I do have to take that goal away.

Therefore, in joint first place

with a total of six goals is Tia and Nina.

Congratulations!

Nina, very well driven.

Overall again a very competent drive.

Tia, fantastic!

What a drive on your first challenge, as well.

I'm absolutely amazed, superb.

Do you know you have the highest individual goal score

in Driving Academy?

Get in there. Well done, Tia.

Good work.

-However, that leaves...

-Yes!

You're going to get it, Bri.

Yeah, but at least we are not third, we are second.

-In third place...

-No, second.

..with three goals, it's Brian and Lucy.

Bring it on.

Unlucky. Blame your dad.

-No.

-I got two, I got two.

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.

Who'd have thought you would have got stage fright?

We need to work on that confidence factor while he's here.

-Yeah, we do.

-Lucy, not bad for the first day.

So that means joint top of our day one leaderboard,

it's Team Green and Team Orange

on three points each

with the Blues in third place, with a miserable one point.

Next time on Celebrity Driving Academy,

the kids learn more tricky techniques

to get them ready for the Super Skills competition.

It's all about braking. It's going to be a barrel of laughs.

Brian and Lucy are about to take today's Wash of Shame.

Who's it going to be next time?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Bring it on.

Oh, come on, Bri.

What you got a pink shower hat on for?

Come on, be a man. Come on, dangerous Bri, get it off.

-Bring it on.

-Are you ready?

Three, two, one, yes!

THEY SCREAM