Shakespeare Class Dismissed


Shakespeare

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This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

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a school like any other.

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A place where bright young minds are taught

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by some of the wisest, most respected members

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of the teaching profession.

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Our cameras filmed for a year to find out

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what life is really like for the students and their teachers

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at this most ordinary of schools.

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Welcome to Class Dismissed.

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BELL RINGS

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It's the annual Shakespeare Day at Dockbridge High -

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an event that's thoroughly embraced

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by drama teacher Sir Stanley Bleacher

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come what may.

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Hark! Hark!

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Hark!

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Verily I say thrice,

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it is the lark herald of the Bard's morn.

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'Shakespeare Day -'

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I love it!

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Of course, when you're an actor EVERY day is Shakespeare Day.

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You can't have too much of a good thing.

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I particularly like

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March.

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Friends, Romans, children.

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'Tis the Shakespeare masterclass

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where all your questions about Shakespeare

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will be answered.

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Sir, I have a question.

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Yes?

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-Harriet?

-Why are you wearing a skirt and tights?

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LAUGHTER

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Pupils often say to me,

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"Sir Stanley, what is acting?"

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HE SOBS QUIETLY

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THAT'S acting.

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And for Shakespeare, you do it

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dressed like this.

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We shall commence with a scene from the Scottish play.

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-Macbeth?

-Ah-da-da-da!

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Yes, that one. In the theatre, it's very bad luck

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-to say its name.

-What, Macbeth?

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-Ah!

-LAUGHTER

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Sir, you invite disaster.

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What about his other plays? Is it bad luck to say THEM?

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-Hamlet!

-Romeo And Juliet!

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-King Lear!

-Harry Potter!

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No, no, no, no, no, no.

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Only Macbeth.

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-Aah!

-LAUGHTER

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Sir, nothing's happening to you.

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So it isn't.

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Oh, my goodness!

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All of a sudden I feel free!

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LAUGHTER

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Macbeth.

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Macbeth.

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Ha! Macbeth!

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Oh!

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-HE SHOUTS IN THE DISTANCE:

-Macbeth!

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-ALL:

-Macbeth!

-Macbeth!

-Macbeth!

-Macbeth! Macbeth!

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Meanwhile, in another part of the school,

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something extraordinary is about to happen.

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Time to make another batch of my aftershave.

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Now, where's the ammonia?

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MUSIC: I'm Kissing You by Des'ree

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Who's there?

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Sorry, Mr Nasal, I didn't realise you were in here.

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I'm Miss Spray.

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She speaks!

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Miss Spray?

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The new lab technician.

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Miss Spray.

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Mr Nasal?

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Miss Spray!

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Mr Nasal!

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Do you er...come here often?

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SHE GIGGLES

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Yes. Before every lesson!

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-Perhaps I'll see you again then.

-Oh, perhaps.

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# I'm...

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# I'm kissing... #

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BELL RINGS

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Oh. I-I should be going.

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-Goodbye.

-Yeah, OK, I...

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Parting is such sweet sorrow.

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HE MOANS

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I think Mr Nasal and Miss Spray fancy each other.

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Love is blind.

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English teacher Mr Capp wants to be on the same level

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as his students.

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So today, they've all got to sit on top of their desks.

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OK, kids, here's the 411.

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Today is Shakespeare Day,

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and we is gonna be studying Shakespeare.

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Mr Capp?

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Nicknames only.

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OK. Um..

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The Capp-meister?

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Can I answer your question about something I read in Hamlet?

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, T-Dog.

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We don't learn about Hamlet by reading Hamlet,

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we learn about Hamlet by...

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..being Hamlet.

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So - what do we know about Hamlet?

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Well, he was a procrastinator who pretended he was mad

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in order to seek revenge for his murdered father,

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and he loved

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-BMX-ing.

-GROANING

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So, the best way for me to teach you about Hamlet

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is by popping a sweet wheelie over my desk.

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What's that got to do with it?

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The bike, yeah, represents Hamlet's father, yeah?

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I'm Hamlet. The desk represents all the obstacles in my way.

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And, as Shakespeare wrote,

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"Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,

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"and I will have my vengeance."

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That's Gladiator, sir.

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I don't think you should do this, Mr Capp...

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-..meister.

-Hey, chillax!

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To BMX or not to BMX? That is the question.

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And the answer is yes!

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-CRASH ALL:

-Ooh!

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Are you all right, sir?

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Banter!

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I told him not to do it.

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In the playground, the pupils are about to prank Mr Nasal.

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Dear Mr Nasal...

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Ever since we met in the prep room this morning...

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I can't stop thinking about you!

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If you fancy me too, give me a sign.

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Wear these yellow socks...

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All afternoon.

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All my love,

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Miss Spray.

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-Right, now do lots of love hearts...

-Yeah.

-..all over it.

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All of that next to Miss Spray.

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And so to Maths, where Mr Konnundrum is taking the class

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through another entirely hypothetical problem.

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So, if a man is suffering from particularly volatile diarrhoea...

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..and he needs to take his medication every four hours.

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If he takes his first dose at 7:30am...

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..what time should he take the second dose in order to avoid

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future volatile diarrhoea?

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-Yes, Tahj?

-11:30am, sir.

-Hmm.

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Oh.

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-It's 11:50.

-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

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Oh!

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-ALL:

-Urgh...

-LAUGHTER

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Quiet READING!

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-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

-Oh!

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-ALL:

-Urgh!

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Oh! Ooh!

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BELL RINGS

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As Mr Konnundrum narrowly avoids becoming a laughing stock,

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Mr Nasal is about to be hoodwinked.

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"Dear Mr Nasal, ever since..."

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HE READS

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"..yellow socks."

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HE GASPS

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Miss Spray!

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HE SIGHS

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In the spirit of Shakespeare Day, history teacher Mrs Beddows

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has turned her classroom into an Elizabethan tavern.

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Prithee, masters and mistresses,

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welcome to Ye Olde Historical Tavern.

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-This place stinks, Miss.

-Aye, my lady.

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The floor is made of cow dung.

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-ALL:

-Ew!

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Everything in this tavern is exactly as it would have been

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in Shakespeare's day.

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Even me! I'm wearing woollen knickers,

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and...I've got fleas!

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-ALL:

-Ew!

-Rank!

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In 1564

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was born the playwright we all adore.

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That rhymes, miss.

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Yes, Billy. Because in ye olde days

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that's how everyone spoke,

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and rhyming is an excellent way to learn.

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Now - who can tell me when Shakespeare died?

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1616?

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Rhyming, please, Gabriella.

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In 1616,

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William Shakespeare... left the scene.

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Excellent!

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Who can tell me who was on the throne at that time?

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When Shakespeare died the king was...

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A rat!

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A rat! The king was a rat? That doesn't even rhyme!

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-No, miss - I just saw a rat.

-Oh, good!

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I let five of them out in here this morning...

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THEY GASP

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-..and I haven't seen one since!

-SCREAMING

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Unaware of any foul play, Mr Nasal is preparing for the next time

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he sees Miss Spray.

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"Hello, Miss Spray..."

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Oh.

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"Miss Spray...

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"Hello!"

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HE SIGHS

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Ah...

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"Oh. Miss Spray!

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"Do you like my...yellow socks?"

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It's lunchtime, and despite the tempting offer of

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Mrs Tucker's Shakespearean offal pie,

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most people are going for mash.

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-Offal pie?

-Mash, please.

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Offal pie?

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Yes.

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Meanwhile, Tahj has hurt himself playing football,

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so he's off to see school nurse Mr Hart.

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Luckily, it's just a graze.

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All right, sir?

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Have you got a plaster for this?

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Sure thing, little buddy! Let's take a look at you.

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-HE GASPS

-Prep the ER!

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SIREN BLARES

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It's just a graze, sir.

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It's worse than I thought! Get me the crash team!

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I need five bags of O negative, stat!

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Sir, just a plaster's fine.

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-He's delusional!

-I just need a...

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We're losing him!

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Where's that crash team?!

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Looks like you're on your own, Hart.

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BELL RINGS

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It's the afternoon and in Food Technology,

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Miss Davis has decided it's high time that Year Eight

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learned to make bread.

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Right, class, your dough should have risen by now.

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SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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Take it out and...

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-SHE FARTS LOUDLY

-..pop it on the table!

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Mine's a belter!

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SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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Now, you need to get all the air out of it.

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SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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Really squeeze it out.

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SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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Give it a good pump!

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-SHE FARTS LOUDLY

-Come on, everyone!

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-SHE FARTS LOUDLY THREE TIMES

-Pump, pump, pump!

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Is this actually happening?

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Not like that, Emily. With gusto!

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You need to throw caution

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-to the wind!

-SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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-Let rip...

-SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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..and force the air out it.

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SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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-Yeah. It's actually happening.

-SHE FARTS LOUDLY

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As that lesson ends, no-one is too surprised

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when another begins,

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but the end of the day is in sight.

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In Textiles, Miss Dior Durant has her own distinctive style

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of encouraging students.

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Hello! Good time of day, blah, blah, blah.

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Question!

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What is name of place men take bins?

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A rubbish tip, miss?

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A tip! Ha-ha! Funny!

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That what you look like, Year Eight -

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a tip!

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You chew gums?

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You should chew gums, it's cool!

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Now, this is globally unacceptable.

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Anyone tell me what is wrong with uniform?

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Oh, er, the top button's undone, miss.

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-Her tie isn't straight, Miss.

-No, no, no, no, no!

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Move, move, move!

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It is so last season.

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Who even wears uniform any more?

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And no hat!

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You look like Taylor Swift riding dolphin from volcano!

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LAUGHTER

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Come on, come on, come on. You need serious, serious helps!

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Und...

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voila!

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Hat!

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I buy from man in forest.

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Donkey hat number one in fashion charts!

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Excellent modelling!

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-CHEERING

-Excellent!

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APPLAUSE

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Unaware that he is on a wild-goose chase,

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Mr Nasal is trying to woo Miss Spray.

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Miss Spray, Miss Spray!

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Do you like my outfit?

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Your outfit? Well, er, I...

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Remember? You commended my yellow socks

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and wished to see me in them all afternoon!

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I'm sorry, Mr Nasal, I don't know what you're talking about.

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I don't even like yellow.

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BELL RINGS

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See you tomorrow.

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Another successful Shakespeare Day has vanished into thin air,

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and Sir Stanley Bleacher is a bit sad it's over.

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Oh! Oh!

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Oh!

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Oh, you are men of stone!

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All's cheerless, dark and deadly!

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Others are quite pleased to say good riddance

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to Shakespeare Day, and send it packing.

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Honestly, it doesn't look that bad.

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It's not been a great day for Mr Weed...

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-Sir?

-..who's in a pickle.

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Sir, you can't see the way, give me your arm.

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I'll lead you, where do you want to go?

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Knowest the way to Dover?

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And Mr Hart has grave concerns for an old friend.

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No signs of life! He's dead as a doornail!

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Aah!

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Oh, well.

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All's well that ends well.

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