Intruder! Class Dismissed


Intruder!

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This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

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a school like any other.

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A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

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most respected members of the teaching profession.

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Our cameras returned for another year to find out what life

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is really like for the students and their teachers

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at this most ordinary of schools.

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Welcome to Class Dismissed.

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It's Friday and before the day has even begun,

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site manager Dave has encountered something unpleasant.

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Dave to Kev. Come in, Kev, over.

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'Hello, this is Kevin, over.'

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We have a code nine, Kev, I repeat, a code nine.

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Oh, code nine.

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You've lost your underpants again?

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No, not that. That's code ten.

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Code nine is...

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-'dog poo.'

-Dog poo!

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-Dog poo.

-Dog poo!

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Dog poo.

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'Dog poo!'

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I have a nose for sniffing out trouble

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and by trouble I mean bad smells.

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A bad smell is never good news in a school.

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It could be a blocked drain,

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a crusty pair of trainers,

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Kev eating too much chilli con carne again.

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SOMEONE FARTS

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Sorry, Dave.

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But in this case,

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someone has been treading dog poo through my corridors.

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But don't worry, I will find the culprit, and when I do...

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KEVIN FARTS AGAIN

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Kevin, what have I said about chilli in the office?

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You know what it does to your digestion.

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-Give that here.

-But it's just so beefy and delicious.

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-KEVIN FARTS

-Oh.

-Sorry, Dave.

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French teacher Miss Franks is fluent in several languages.

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Unfortunately, none of them is French.

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Today, we're learning tenses.

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How to say what we did in the past, present and future en Frenchy.

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Who wants to go first?

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La semaine derniere, je suis allee au cinema.

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What kind of mumbo jumbo was that meant to be?

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-It's French, Miss.

-I'll be the judge of that, Tahj.

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It is, Miss. It means, "Last week I went to the cinema."

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Well, the only bit I understood was cinema.

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Let's look at the word "voo-ya-loor".

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According to this book, it means "I want" en Frenchy.

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Who wants to try and write it in different tenses?

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Ah, Tahj, honestly, man, ten out of ten for trying.

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Go on, then.

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Done, Miss.

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Looks French to me.

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So, say if this was right, which we have no way of knowing,

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how might we finish the sentence?

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That's right.

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-IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT:

-Avec un sandwich au jambon et fromage.

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Tahj, translate.

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I want a ham and cheese sandwich.

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I wanted a ham and cheese sandwich.

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And I will want a ham and cheese sandwich.

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Seriously, Tahj, that's the most sensible thing you've said all term.

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-THE CLASS LAUGHS

-And I know how you feel.

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Speaking French makes me feel hungry, too.

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Campaign!

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Maybe I should stick with Spanish.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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While site manager Dave scours the school for the source of the dog poo

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footprint, Year 9 are in food technology.

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Chefs, it's time for the invention test.

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Choose your ingredients wisely.

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For today's challenge, I've asked someone for a bit of help,

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so please welcome teaching assistant Miss VO.

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Miss VO entered the classroom gracefully,

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like a responsibly-sourced wild Alaskan salmon.

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And so without further ado, get cooking.

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Pepper and tomato pasta?

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Great idea.

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Emily, Tahj, tell us about your menu.

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Taj and Emily's dish is Spanish frittata.

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Using potatoes, eggs,

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sun-dried tomatoes and home-made masala paste.

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Whoa, that sounds lovely. Well done, Emily and Tahj.

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I look forward to giving it a taste.

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Sir, that's not actually what we're making.

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Ignoring some sound advice, the team has a change of heart.

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At the last minute,

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Tahj and Emily decide to make their own version of an Italian bread,

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with a rich chickpea and olive oil puree

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and a black olive tapenade.

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Ho-ho! I don't know what's gone on here, but that is ambitious.

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You two are seriously trying to impress.

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But we don't even know what a tapenade is.

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Tahj doesn't even know what a tapenade is.

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Suddenly, in the closing seconds, the team change tack again.

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Instead, deciding to make a celeriac roulade with caramelised onions...

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-Ha-ha-ha!

-..and fresh rosemary from Tahj's garden.

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Miss, can you stop?

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Followed by a steamed pudding of sponge, jam

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and a luxurious double cream,

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which should teach them not to talk back to their teachers.

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Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, mate, mate, mate, mate, I tell you what,

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sponge - yes, jam - yes,

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double cream - honk honk.

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You two had better stick with that one, or I'll be very,

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very disappointed.

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Tahj and Emily have learned a very valuable lesson.

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Meanwhile, Dave has had a breakthrough.

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Gotcha.

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Dave to Kev. I think I have the stinky-footed culprit cornered.

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Well done, Dave.

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Let me know when you find him.

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Kevin!

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Dave?

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Kevin.

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Dave.

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I've found him.

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Oh, well done, Dave.

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Where is he, or she?

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It's you.

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Oh. Yes.

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I thought that smell were following me around.

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-Sorry, Dave.

-Take them off and clean them up.

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David, a word.

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Yes, your Grace, how may I be of service?

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It has come to my attention that someone is sleeping overnight

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-in the gym cupboard.

-Intruder.

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Quite. I want you to catch the felon and stop it immediately.

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-Yes, sir, madam.

-And do something about that ghastly smell.

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It's children, I expect.

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Come on, Kev, stop messing about. We've got no time for that.

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-We've got a code two.

-You've lost your underpants?

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No, intruder alert.

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Righto.

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With Dave and Kev off on another mission,

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9B are helping Mr Conundrum to solve a problem in maths.

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So, if a man gets a postcard from his mother to say that she's coming

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to stay in three weeks' time, but he ignores that postcard,

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then he receives three phone calls a day,

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seven days a week for three weeks.

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But he ignores all of those, too, because he was out.

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Yes, that's right.

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I'll just say I was out.

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How many postcards and phone calls has the man had?

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-Yes, Tahj?

-64, sir.

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That many, right.

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Oh, and for an extra mark, when is the man's mother coming to stay?

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-Today, sir.

-Today.

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-Today?!

-Kenneth?

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-Mother?

-I've arrived for my visit.

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Come home with me immediately.

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But-but I'm teaching, mother.

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Now, Kenneth.

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-Quiet reading.

-Now!

-THE CLASS LAUGH

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Oh, that's embarrassing, I'm sorry.

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Come on now, you know I like to get home in time to watch

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Think Tank.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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It's lunch and science soulmates Mr Nasal and Miss Spray are enjoying

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a breaktime cuppa.

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Sugar, Miss Spray?

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No, thank you, Mr Nasal.

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I'm sweet enough already.

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Oh, you certainly are, Miss Spray.

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Oh, no, no, no, no. We mustn't, Miss Spray.

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Someone might see.

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We don't want the children finding out we're a couple.

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Let them see.

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I want the world to know we're in love.

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Miss Spray, what's come over you?

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Go on, Mr Nasal,

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just a little kiss.

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Oh, go on, then, Miss Spray.

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I can never say no to you.

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Sir, Mr Potter sent me to...

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Molly! What are you doing in here at breaktime?

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Miss Spray is covered in snot, sir.

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Is she?

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Oh, yeah. So she is.

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That's disgusting, Miss Spray, disgusting.

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Look at the state of you.

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You really are something else, you know that?

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You are rank.

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There, I think that's thrown her off the scent.

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Now, where were we?

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That was very rude, Mr Nasal.

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Very rude indeed.

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If anyone needs me,

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I'm spending my break in the science prep room.

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Alone!

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Oh.

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What was all that about?

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I can't believe they think no-one knows.

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No-one knows.

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-ALL:

-Everyone knows.

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Everyone knows, man.

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As lunchtime ends, Dave finds proof of the intruder.

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There's definitely been someone sleeping here.

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Dave to Kev,

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I've found some evidence.

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What have you found?

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Apple crumble.

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Out in the freezing cold, someone else has found a hiding place.

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Bush craft, the craft of hiding in a bush.

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Now, let's get our hands dirty

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before we all get heatstroke from this roasting sun.

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Eyes on me, class.

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I've hit the jackpot.

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A stick insect, nature's choc ice.

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That's a stick, sir.

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Good one, Tractor, but I ain't falling for that one,

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you great galah.

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-Very wooden.

-Like a stick.

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It does not taste good.

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Like a stick.

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Oh, and this little blighter's a toughie.

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Because you're eating a stick.

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THE STICK CRACKS AND HE MOANS

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I am starting to suspect that this is actually just a stick.

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HE SPITS IT OUT

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I think I've lost a few teeth already.

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But if Kylie and the cricket have taught us one thing,

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it's that an Australian never gives up.

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Even when it's roasting hot.

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I can now feel the stick starting to affect my insides.

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And it will be only a few minutes before I pass out.

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Sir, do you want us to run inside and get some help?

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Good idea. And flag down a flying doctor.

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Or get a local kangaroo to take me to safety.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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As head of arts, not including actual art,

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Mr Christopher is extremely busy.

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Oi!

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Luckily, there is another highly skilled music teacher to help

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with the workload and there's also Miss Glock.

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SHE SINGS NONSENSE

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OK, Tahj, let's get this show on the road.

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-What have you got there?

-My flute.

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-Jazz flute?

-I don't think so.

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Oh, it's a crying shame, Tahj.

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It's like I said to Biebs, I'm good at music,

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but I'm not a miracle worker.

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OK? Let's see what you've got.

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PHONE RINGS

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Barlow.

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This drives him crazy, but honest to Elton,

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it's the only way of dealing with him.

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What do you mean you heard that?

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Was that Gary Barlow, Miss?

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Yes. He's an absolute nightmare, I'm telling you.

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HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN

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-SHE SIGHS

-I'll get it.

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Hello. It's someone calling about your PPI.

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It's Barlow again, he's so tricksy.

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No, Barlow, no.

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Are you sure you know all these celebrities, Miss?

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No, Tahj, they know me, isn't it?

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Now, play.

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-HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN

-Ignore that.

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Nice.

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It's the end of the day,

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but Dave and Kev have decided to stay overnight

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to catch the intruder.

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OWL HOOTS

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-Dave?

-What?

-Will you read me a story?

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No, Kevin. We've got to keep our eyes peeled

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-in case the intruder shows his face.

-Dave.

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What?

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I don't think they're coming, Dave, and I'm sleepy.

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Go to sleep, then, I'll keep watch.

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Thanks, Dave. Oh!

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Could you pass me my eye mask, please?

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-Where is it?

-It's in that pile of stuff.

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Oh, can I have my blankie and my teddy, as well, please?

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Kevin, is all this stuff yours?

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Yes. I've had Mr Snuggles since I were five years old.

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But if you're the one who's been sleeping here,

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then you're the mystery intruder.

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Am I? Oh.

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Fancy that.

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Kevin...

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-Why?

-Well, there's a terrible smell in my flat.

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I can't sleep there, it stinks.

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Kevin, have you been wearing your dog poo shoes in your flat?

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Oh, yes, oh, I see.

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Well, I'm glad that's sorted, Dave.

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Well, night-night, Dave. Let me know when the intruder comes.

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# We built this city

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# We built this city on rock and roll

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# We built this city

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# We built this city on rock and roll... #

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