Intruder! Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year to find out what life

is really like for the students and their teachers

at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

It's Friday and before the day has even begun,

site manager Dave has encountered something unpleasant.

Dave to Kev. Come in, Kev, over.

'Hello, this is Kevin, over.'

We have a code nine, Kev, I repeat, a code nine.

Oh, code nine.

You've lost your underpants again?

No, not that. That's code ten.

Code nine is...

-'dog poo.'

-Dog poo!

-Dog poo.

-Dog poo!

Dog poo.

'Dog poo!'

I have a nose for sniffing out trouble

and by trouble I mean bad smells.

A bad smell is never good news in a school.

It could be a blocked drain,

a crusty pair of trainers,

Kev eating too much chilli con carne again.

SOMEONE FARTS

Sorry, Dave.

But in this case,

someone has been treading dog poo through my corridors.

But don't worry, I will find the culprit, and when I do...

KEVIN FARTS AGAIN

Kevin, what have I said about chilli in the office?

You know what it does to your digestion.

-Give that here.

-But it's just so beefy and delicious.

-KEVIN FARTS

-Oh.

-Sorry, Dave.

French teacher Miss Franks is fluent in several languages.

Unfortunately, none of them is French.

Today, we're learning tenses.

How to say what we did in the past, present and future en Frenchy.

Who wants to go first?

La semaine derniere, je suis allee au cinema.

What kind of mumbo jumbo was that meant to be?

-It's French, Miss.

-I'll be the judge of that, Tahj.

It is, Miss. It means, "Last week I went to the cinema."

Well, the only bit I understood was cinema.

Let's look at the word "voo-ya-loor".

According to this book, it means "I want" en Frenchy.

Who wants to try and write it in different tenses?

Ah, Tahj, honestly, man, ten out of ten for trying.

Go on, then.

Done, Miss.

Looks French to me.

So, say if this was right, which we have no way of knowing,

how might we finish the sentence?

That's right.

-IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT:

-Avec un sandwich au jambon et fromage.

Tahj, translate.

I want a ham and cheese sandwich.

I wanted a ham and cheese sandwich.

And I will want a ham and cheese sandwich.

Seriously, Tahj, that's the most sensible thing you've said all term.

-THE CLASS LAUGHS

-And I know how you feel.

Speaking French makes me feel hungry, too.

Campaign!

Maybe I should stick with Spanish.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

While site manager Dave scours the school for the source of the dog poo

footprint, Year 9 are in food technology.

Chefs, it's time for the invention test.

Choose your ingredients wisely.

For today's challenge, I've asked someone for a bit of help,

so please welcome teaching assistant Miss VO.

Miss VO entered the classroom gracefully,

like a responsibly-sourced wild Alaskan salmon.

And so without further ado, get cooking.

Pepper and tomato pasta?

Great idea.

Emily, Tahj, tell us about your menu.

Taj and Emily's dish is Spanish frittata.

Using potatoes, eggs,

sun-dried tomatoes and home-made masala paste.

Whoa, that sounds lovely. Well done, Emily and Tahj.

I look forward to giving it a taste.

Sir, that's not actually what we're making.

Ignoring some sound advice, the team has a change of heart.

At the last minute,

Tahj and Emily decide to make their own version of an Italian bread,

with a rich chickpea and olive oil puree

and a black olive tapenade.

Ho-ho! I don't know what's gone on here, but that is ambitious.

You two are seriously trying to impress.

But we don't even know what a tapenade is.

Tahj doesn't even know what a tapenade is.

Suddenly, in the closing seconds, the team change tack again.

Instead, deciding to make a celeriac roulade with caramelised onions...

-Ha-ha-ha!

-..and fresh rosemary from Tahj's garden.

Miss, can you stop?

Followed by a steamed pudding of sponge, jam

and a luxurious double cream,

which should teach them not to talk back to their teachers.

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, mate, mate, mate, mate, I tell you what,

sponge - yes, jam - yes,

double cream - honk honk.

You two had better stick with that one, or I'll be very,

very disappointed.

Tahj and Emily have learned a very valuable lesson.

Meanwhile, Dave has had a breakthrough.

Gotcha.

Dave to Kev. I think I have the stinky-footed culprit cornered.

Well done, Dave.

Let me know when you find him.

Kevin!

Dave?

Kevin.

Dave.

I've found him.

Oh, well done, Dave.

Where is he, or she?

It's you.

Oh. Yes.

I thought that smell were following me around.

-Sorry, Dave.

-Take them off and clean them up.

David, a word.

Yes, your Grace, how may I be of service?

It has come to my attention that someone is sleeping overnight

-in the gym cupboard.

-Intruder.

Quite. I want you to catch the felon and stop it immediately.

-Yes, sir, madam.

-And do something about that ghastly smell.

It's children, I expect.

Come on, Kev, stop messing about. We've got no time for that.

-We've got a code two.

-You've lost your underpants?

No, intruder alert.

Righto.

With Dave and Kev off on another mission,

9B are helping Mr Conundrum to solve a problem in maths.

So, if a man gets a postcard from his mother to say that she's coming

to stay in three weeks' time, but he ignores that postcard,

then he receives three phone calls a day,

seven days a week for three weeks.

But he ignores all of those, too, because he was out.

Yes, that's right.

I'll just say I was out.

How many postcards and phone calls has the man had?

-Yes, Tahj?

-64, sir.

That many, right.

Oh, and for an extra mark, when is the man's mother coming to stay?

-Today, sir.

-Today.

-Today?!

-Kenneth?

-Mother?

-I've arrived for my visit.

Come home with me immediately.

But-but I'm teaching, mother.

Now, Kenneth.

-Quiet reading.

-Now!

-THE CLASS LAUGH

Oh, that's embarrassing, I'm sorry.

Come on now, you know I like to get home in time to watch

Think Tank.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

It's lunch and science soulmates Mr Nasal and Miss Spray are enjoying

a breaktime cuppa.

Sugar, Miss Spray?

No, thank you, Mr Nasal.

I'm sweet enough already.

Oh, you certainly are, Miss Spray.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We mustn't, Miss Spray.

Someone might see.

We don't want the children finding out we're a couple.

Let them see.

I want the world to know we're in love.

Miss Spray, what's come over you?

Go on, Mr Nasal,

just a little kiss.

Oh, go on, then, Miss Spray.

I can never say no to you.

Sir, Mr Potter sent me to...

Molly! What are you doing in here at breaktime?

Miss Spray is covered in snot, sir.

Is she?

Oh, yeah. So she is.

That's disgusting, Miss Spray, disgusting.

Look at the state of you.

You really are something else, you know that?

You are rank.

There, I think that's thrown her off the scent.

Now, where were we?

That was very rude, Mr Nasal.

Very rude indeed.

If anyone needs me,

I'm spending my break in the science prep room.

Alone!

Oh.

What was all that about?

I can't believe they think no-one knows.

No-one knows.

-ALL:

-Everyone knows.

Everyone knows, man.

As lunchtime ends, Dave finds proof of the intruder.

There's definitely been someone sleeping here.

Dave to Kev,

I've found some evidence.

What have you found?

Apple crumble.

Out in the freezing cold, someone else has found a hiding place.

Bush craft, the craft of hiding in a bush.

Now, let's get our hands dirty

before we all get heatstroke from this roasting sun.

Eyes on me, class.

I've hit the jackpot.

A stick insect, nature's choc ice.

That's a stick, sir.

Good one, Tractor, but I ain't falling for that one,

you great galah.

-Very wooden.

-Like a stick.

It does not taste good.

Like a stick.

Oh, and this little blighter's a toughie.

Because you're eating a stick.

THE STICK CRACKS AND HE MOANS

I am starting to suspect that this is actually just a stick.

HE SPITS IT OUT

I think I've lost a few teeth already.

But if Kylie and the cricket have taught us one thing,

it's that an Australian never gives up.

Even when it's roasting hot.

I can now feel the stick starting to affect my insides.

And it will be only a few minutes before I pass out.

Sir, do you want us to run inside and get some help?

Good idea. And flag down a flying doctor.

Or get a local kangaroo to take me to safety.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

As head of arts, not including actual art,

Mr Christopher is extremely busy.

Oi!

Luckily, there is another highly skilled music teacher to help

with the workload and there's also Miss Glock.

SHE SINGS NONSENSE

OK, Tahj, let's get this show on the road.

-What have you got there?

-My flute.

-Jazz flute?

-I don't think so.

Oh, it's a crying shame, Tahj.

It's like I said to Biebs, I'm good at music,

but I'm not a miracle worker.

OK? Let's see what you've got.

PHONE RINGS

Barlow.

This drives him crazy, but honest to Elton,

it's the only way of dealing with him.

What do you mean you heard that?

Was that Gary Barlow, Miss?

Yes. He's an absolute nightmare, I'm telling you.

HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN

-SHE SIGHS

-I'll get it.

Hello. It's someone calling about your PPI.

It's Barlow again, he's so tricksy.

No, Barlow, no.

Are you sure you know all these celebrities, Miss?

No, Tahj, they know me, isn't it?

Now, play.

-HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN

-Ignore that.

Nice.

It's the end of the day,

but Dave and Kev have decided to stay overnight

to catch the intruder.

OWL HOOTS

-Dave?

-What?

-Will you read me a story?

No, Kevin. We've got to keep our eyes peeled

-in case the intruder shows his face.

-Dave.

What?

I don't think they're coming, Dave, and I'm sleepy.

Go to sleep, then, I'll keep watch.

Thanks, Dave. Oh!

Could you pass me my eye mask, please?

-Where is it?

-It's in that pile of stuff.

Oh, can I have my blankie and my teddy, as well, please?

Kevin, is all this stuff yours?

Yes. I've had Mr Snuggles since I were five years old.

But if you're the one who's been sleeping here,

then you're the mystery intruder.

Am I? Oh.

Fancy that.

Kevin...

-Why?

-Well, there's a terrible smell in my flat.

I can't sleep there, it stinks.

Kevin, have you been wearing your dog poo shoes in your flat?

Oh, yes, oh, I see.

Well, I'm glad that's sorted, Dave.

Well, night-night, Dave. Let me know when the intruder comes.

# We built this city

# We built this city on rock and roll

# We built this city

# We built this city on rock and roll... #